[sunshinegirl]

hi can I have a new topic in the healing section called

"letting go of the heritage of abuse"

thanks

[sunshinegirl]

god today is awful for me I just feel all over the place but I digress before I have even begun to begin about letting go...

Anyways the things that I want to let go and recently i have become alot more famaliar with this, is about letting go the idea of an ideal family... I kinda didn't realise that I expected my family to be a certain way and they weren't they were a bag of arseholes instead.. well I felt hurt and dejected. I recently made contact with a family member and well it wasn't what I expected and i haven't heard from her since after the emails I sent... and in the emails that sent her I figured that my idea of family was not my expereince of family and my expectations were not met. I remember so often feeling so cheated and wronged when things would not happened like I wanted them too. I remember that I went home on and invitation and my mother had nowhere to put me she had a huge house with several bedrooms and also when I went to my grandmothers house my aunty found no spare room for me. This was the last time that I saw them and I couldn't help but feel so rejected and let down that people wouldn't let me stay with them. I cried from how much it hurt me. I was very angry too, my aunty made every excuse of why I couldn't stay at my grandmothers in her spare room, because her husband was in it, and she was in her friends house next door, I thought that all the other kids wouldve bunk in the lounge at grandmothers house but she was all weird about it... I asked my grandmother is I could sleep on her floor in her room and when my aunty got wind of that she kicked her husband out of the spare room so that I could in it and she put him in a hotel, why he couldn't stay with her in her room is beyond me. the thing is the pain that it caused me to be rejected by these people - not wanted once again. Thats how I always felt with these people not wanted. I so desperately wanted to belong somewhere and I never felt part of a family and I really wanted to feel that I did belong somewhere. Oh the pain of this for me was very prominent for my life. Even after I had "left " the family I still had that yearning to belong somewhere... today I was thinking that I feel like I do belong here in this time.. oh I feel like crying now... I am going to go and do some crying for now.

[sunshinegirl]

well I didn't cry as much as it felt like I would. I just want to keep on emailing this woman my aunt but she just replied once and it had nothing really about anything in it except that it was a nice surprise and now that she doesn't answer me I feel rejected all over again.

I am really angry that no one in my family relates to me. I hate them all for this - which I know they can't really help... but I feel so alienated from them and when this happens I feel a great despair....

I had a friend forget to cancel an appointment with me so I was expecting a call from her to go out but when it didn't happen I just feel so dejected and I hate this feeling.. I just wanted to go into bed and die.

And its kinda the same with the aunt thing I mean I just keep on thinking if only, if only... maybe I can write another email and she'll like me... or maybe i can write her and tell her that I feel like she doesn't like me and so manipulate her into writing me another email thats full of lies to consol me in my torment of being wanted ....I am angry.. i mean in her email she says that she loves me but thats all shit...because she hasn't even had the decency to email me back.. but then i think well why is it so important to me that she email back what does that mean to me...
If she does email that makes me feel better which is what I want I want to get rid of this nagging pain that I am not wanted and she is not interested in me and I feel like she thinks that I have done something offensive and so shes punishing me now....
If she doesn't email me that means to me that she really hates me for what I have written and that makes me feel more dejected than ever...

there is the possiblity that she hasn't emailed me becuase she has her own shit to deal with and thats probably the case but its the lack of communication that I hate..
I really hated the lack of communication with my partner.. he would just look at me stunned.. fuck I hated that so much

what does that mean to me when someone doesn't answer me?

what does that mean to me... thats what I seem to be reacting strongly too... I have to think about this one for a while....

It almost feels like I don't exist...

[sunshinegirl]

Whats that part where you say I didn't have to work so strong - do you mean that I wasn't strong enough - as a child - to be able to express the resentment and anger...?



Or do you mean that the anger and resentment is slowly bubbling to the surface and being recognised and validated..

or.. what does that mean? :"..you work through that anger and resentment that you didnt have to face so strong."


I have had a life full of negativity towards others and myself.. how can you see that and I guess how come I cannot?

Yes it was hidden inside me it was safer there.. I wasn't able to express it... All that silencing was too much for me.

I just think that I remember my mother getting so angry at me for expressing myself loudly and proudly and clearly and then I think I remember her grabbing me by the neck and squeezing so hard that I lost consciousness. but its almost like a horror story I can't believe it really... But now that I write it I can believe it really... And moments before this event happened I was so stunned and frightened and hurt that she could attack me and hurt me and when I thought that I remembered the emotion associated with it the other day on the bus my mouth was open wide in horror at her trying to kill me [ because that is what it felt like.. it felt like she was trying to kill me.. I feel that my life was really threatened...]
and she also wanted me to shut the fuck up you silly little bitch is what she said I think... But I knew where this thing happened. I knew the place: at the bottom of the stairs, against a cupboard that shook and then I lost consciousness ( or feigned it like fight, flight or freeze: pretending death like mice do with cats when caught) and was dragged up the stairs by the back of the my clothing and the bumps of the stairs caught on my back and caused me incredible pain.. I wonder if thats why my rib cage hurts so much recently.. I wonder if they were broken - compound fractures they hurt but they heal in time... I would have been terrified and maybe the high anxiety from the trauma kept the pain away. I wonder if that would explain comments I have heard from people trying to take ultrasounds and coming up against my ribcage and saying that they cannot see through it its too thick...??? Hmmmmm

I remember showing off to people at how strong I was and resistant to feeling pain.. I played a game that caused me to burn myself for several minutes with a lighter through a piece of paper and I could stand the pain as I have a hugely high pain threshold and I stopped when they lost interest...I would have kept on going... maybe thats why I am in so much pain the moment all the pain from the past has caught up with me and is expressed in physical aches and terrible pains in my back, legs, neck, headaches... it must of started a while ago round about the time I think when I wanted to change.. that makes sense to me..

[sunshinegirl]

shit that makes so much sense to me... for alot of times I have been trying to kill myself... I did it literally when I was in that house with some pills but they were only pain relief pills and had a slight sedative effect and that was it.And well I was only 8 and so have naive thoughts about killing myself and how to do it... It really put me off the idea of suicide that attempt because I have never thought that it would work from that time onwards..... I really wanted to die though at that time and now that attack of my mothers make so much sense to me
And then all the silencing that I put myself through I was really recreating what she had done to me.. all that anger that I vented at others was just a recreation of the hatred and anger that she had vented at me.. oh my god... no wonder I want to let it go.. its not my anger or hatred... Its not my fear...Oh shit shes full of a lot of anger, rage and hatred... I remember reading something the other day that stuck with me that Rage is Repression... that makes so much sense to me...

shit.. it really does.. because i confronted mum much later when, like 20 or 30yrs after this event and told her I tried to kill myself and felt like dying.. I was expecting to get a solace or comfort but she got really rageful and screamed at me WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING THROUGH AT THE TIME !

The reality is is that this is the way she deals with most of the things where I am being honest about my feelings - she screams and yells at me. its pretty silencing behaviour.. you know I am projecting all this onto my aunt as well when it really is nothing to do with her... I mean I don't like how she treated me but this is not part of that pain that I have with my mother... but my aunt would readily step in to fill that place.. gee wonder what that's all about... taking a step forward to be abused, or to help where nothing is going to help... her trying to help me probably helped her ignore her own pain... man its so easy to see how abuse can be perpetuated in family dynamics..

I mean what was she - my mum - going through that she thought that the best thing to do was to strangle me? But the other thing is that rage= repression idea. i mean her getting rageful stops her having to deal with the pain she is stuffing down... thats the key.. she couldn't handle what I was telling her that she needed to shut me up.. I wonder what is was that I was telling her.. I wonder if I was telling her that I had had sexual intercourse with a man and she couldn't face that and wanted to silence me because she couldn't face her own abuse... fuck why did I write that??????? what the hell is that all about
oh dear... what a misery! god I really feel lucky to be able to realise all this stuff.

[sunshinegirl]

im glad your working the steps in the manual wsb ..I like that you bring that perspective to your comments.. I am completely lax with the manual having wanted to figure it out for myself... so here I am wading my through it all not getting it.. till I get it...

.thank you that you are doing the manual

[Emms]

Believe me, I'e been through all those feelings you, wsb, and sg have described, still do at times. I just want to run away and hide sometimes, but I know I can't do that. Life is a real bitch, that's true enough, but at least no one will freak out at reading how we feel here, cos most of us will have felt this way at some point and in some way.

[sunshinegirl]

true about people freaking out... I remember when I wanted to tell everyone but sadly found out that most people don't wanna know and then other people that have been abused that I thought that I could talk to tended to get concerned about triggers so I feel that I had to silence myself again... but here its different and I just let it all hang out.. its the only way I believe that I am going to figure it out is by trying to be as honest as possible.

But wsb what did you mean when you said

"...as you work through that anger and resentment that you didnt have to face so strong"

I just want to understand what this means.. is the wording wrong like is it meant to be facing it is too strong a feeling or is it that the anger isn't so strong to face anymore? curious. please.

[sunshinegirl]

yes makes sense. thanks. I was thinking that it was something that was new to me and I wanted to make sure what it was.

[sunshinegirl]

ok so I am pleased with myself. This morning I had a raging urge to get in contact with my ex and so I wrote an email and edited it to my liking.. saying what i was trying to say.. things from the I, not YOU kinda dimensions and not getting attacking and it was sad I just started crying because I said that I missed his companionshit oops I mean companionship and then i didn't send it Phew I am so pleased I didn't I can see that I just needed to cry and feel grief and sadness... God I really don't know how to grieve the past.... its so difficult for me.. I really dont know how to let go....well here I am learning quite well thank you very much. so I am quite pleased with myself for this moment. Bring more of these moments into my life please! I wanna let it all go!

[sunshinegirl]

Its almost like a trick that of the mind... I want to contact him but really I just want to connect with myself its not about him at ALLL!

I am glad that I didn't contact him cause then I would have been off on a tangent with his shit again and ignoring my own emotions that are trying so hard to get through to me.. I feel like that david bowie song.. ground control to major tom... thats like the inner me trying to get the message to the me on the outside... sheesssh!

[sunshinegirl]

I have realised that I am trying to grieve my past hopes for a family upbringing or whatever it is... but because I am so used to turning off that grieving process by addictive behaviours.. one which is getting involved with peeps that treat me crap...I keep on going back to turning the grief off instead of being grief stricken... I just understood this process for myself on another level today... Its like I really want to grieve now!... but my habits are very ingrained... I find it kinda funny a bit that I want to feel the grief but I have to wait for the rest of me to catch up... haa haa haa haa..lol. I mean I am talking about it... and wanting it to happen but the emotions are out of sync... god its been like this all my life..no wonder I have been so confused at how I feel... its all muddled. oh dear.. I feel sad.. damn but not sad enough to have a really good cry! damn. I want to cry... and cry and cry.. next weekend I have an opportunity so let the tears flow....!

[sunshinegirl]

Well actually its my child.. she came to me in a dream the other night and I dismissed it. as usual. but then sometime i thought that perhaps something was wrong with me and yes it was my child that was sad and I couldn't understand how or why but now i can see. such a complex process this inner child work. I never thought intergration would be like this... its like playing catch up. Its fun cause I am really relating to children and want to do child things.. adult things are the biggest bore for me. But I have noticed that I can only do child things once I have made the adult safe and well cared for. Then the child comes to the party and the healing begins.

[sunshinegirl]

god i don't know where to start i dont have the language to describe.... I just had what I thought was a friendship and now the meeting I made with my friend and she seemed very keen was suddenly not there. I cant stand for it. And now I am left wondering what happened... but there was no reply the several times I tried to make contact.. it was a week ago now and I had put all this effort into my meetings with her - they were for her study and now I am feeling put out by the meeting not going through and still no contact. I was thinking that I don't want to be involved in the project of helping her anymore.... I do have all these other things on and I was going out of my way... but I am left with this nagging feeling about it.. and I had this awful dream this afternoon that someone grabbed my arm and was trying to get me to do something that I did not want to do. I can't make sense of it but I feel hurt about not being contacted and now I have these things that I want to return but don't know how if I cannot get in contact...I hate this feeling..

[sunshinegirl]

I am also feeling really annoyed at this other friend that I have that I started to work with recently... she bitches about other workmates and I feel stressed listening to it... i just feel like I have do or say something about it... I can't understand why it upsets me so much... i feel very stressed out when she talks about things that other people have said and that she doesn't agree with or like... now i have begun to get stressed when she talks about climbing hills as we go for walks together... I just feel like saying shut up! if you don't like hills don't walk up them!... I don't understand myself for getting upset about these things...I mean i feel that I should be able to say these things and that she should also be able to say these things.. but when i hear them my emotions react in a way that seems inconsistent to my beliefs... I don't understand it... I just want to keep to myself and away from her...but I feel like I am avoiding something in myself...I have been tired lately and a bit tetchy and feeling like I want to stay away from people..im gonna listen to that.