[Talulah]

I'm thrilled I found this site today. I'd appreciate it if somebody would approve me to make posts.

I've was sexually abused by my step-father and emotionally abused by my mother. I've continued to be involved in their lives, but have continually had a seething resentment growing for both of them over the last few years. I've come to the conclusion that I can't be involved in their lives at all right now and am moving away. This has now cost me my relationships with my siblings as I don't want to involve them in it anymore. It seems everybody but me was willing to sweep it under the carpet. I haven't ever felt so alone.

I have friends, but I can't talk to any of them about this. There are a few that know, but it's heavy and most of them can't quite get over the initial shock of my mother staying with him. My boyfriend knows a little, and he encourages me to talk to him about it, but I don't think he has the emotional depth to deal with it, which begs the question, why am I with him. I suppose I can chalk that up to my habit of getting involved with men who I can keep at a certain distance.

I'm just confused and lost.

[Emms]

Welcome to the site, talula, I'm glad you found it.

It's not unusual for others in the family to want to brush these things under the carpet, but if you're family are making you unhappy, then you need to cut yourself off from them at least for a time. It's very hard to talk to ppl about your abuse unless you know they've been through it too. Well we are have here so feel free to talk to us. You could probably benefit from some counselling too.

[Talulah]

Thank you both for your encouragement. It's nice to have a place where I can talk about everything without fear of judgment.

[DianaJoy]

You should be good to go, Talulah - if you have any trouble replying or posting new threads, please let me know.

[arachne24]

I don't know my abuser and I still can't see his face in my only memory. I was around 4 or 5 years old and I was wearing a skirt. We were in the backyard, alone, when he picked me up and twirled me around and around in circles, only as he was doing this, he had his penis inside me.

The confusion comes from the mix of shame, guilt, and absence of pain. As a 4 year old, I knew it was wrong for a man to do this, yet the sensation of being twirled around and around was pleasurable so I associated pleasure with this violation, but I shouldn't. See the confusion?

Like others, growing up, I tried to dismiss the memory as a made-up dream and forget it happened. I can only guess that the man was a distant cousin and I don't know who he is today. I suspect my male cousins now and don't trust them.

After the incident, I sought arousal by rubbing against objects and having sex with my toy bear under the covers, and I knew it was wrong because I was hiding it. It stopped when I moved to a new school in second grade.

This is where I'm even more confused: I'm 30 now and I still think about sex constantly, however, I still have those guilty associations with sex, that sex is wrong, shameful, and perverted so sometimes my subconscious would associate my deviances with my brother, where I'm engaging in sexual acts with him. It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me that my thoughts are so wrong that it's akin to incest. I want to stop these perverse thoughts of incest, but I don't know how. The first this happened about 6 years ago, it scared me and made me wonder what kind of person was I to have such perverse thoughts. These thoughts only come when I'm feeling especially guilty about either having sex or thinking about it.

I am afraid that my thoughts of sex will only become more perverse as I imagine more scenarios of especially wrong situations.

What do I do?

[arachne24]

I don't know my abuser and I still can't see his face in my only memory. I was around 4 or 5 years old and I was wearing a skirt. We were in the backyard, alone, when he picked me up and twirled me around and around in circles, only as he was doing this, he had his penis inside me.

The confusion comes from the mix of shame, guilt, and absence of pain. As a 4 year old, I knew it was wrong for a man to do this, yet the sensation of being twirled around and around was pleasurable so I associated pleasure with this violation, but I shouldn't. See the confusion?

Like others, growing up, I tried to dismiss the memory as a made-up dream and forget it happened. I can only guess that the man was a distant cousin and I don't know who he is today. I suspect my male cousins now and don't trust them.

After the incident, I sought arousal by rubbing against objects and having sex with my toy bear under the covers, and I knew it was wrong because I was hiding it. It stopped when I moved to a new school in second grade.

This is where I'm even more confused: I'm 30 now and I still think about sex constantly, however, I still have those guilty associations with sex, that sex is wrong, shameful, and perverted so sometimes my subconscious would associate my deviances with my brother, where I'm engaging in sexual acts with him. It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me that my thoughts are so wrong that it's akin to incest. I want to stop these perverse thoughts of incest, but I don't know how. The first this happened about 6 years ago, it scared me and made me wonder what kind of person was I to have such perverse thoughts. These thoughts only come when I'm feeling especially guilty about either having sex or thinking about it.

I am afraid that my thoughts of sex will only become more perverse as I imagine more scenarios of especially wrong situations.

What do I do?

[zeigha]

May I share here. I have a few things that might be nice to share with people that have had similar experiences.

[DianaJoy]

zeigha, you're welcome to respond to any of the threads on the forum, or to create your own :) Let me know if you need any help using the site!

[masettisucks]

healing from years of emotional and verbal abuse. new here. would like to connect with others.
not allowed to create a thread?

[DianaJoy]

masettisucks, I've just updated your profile - you can create your own threads now :) Let me know if I can help!

[masettisucks]

will get to it as soon as i can

[blossom]

I am trying to think of positive things, but life seems like it has been really hard. I have had recurring mental illness for nearly twenty years after a childhood which I think caused it. I am desperate to go back to my twenties and be fit again, but know what I know now, so that I can live a better life.

I am thinking that the only thing which might make a significant difference to my life is if i won the lottery but thats a totally remote possibility - but it allows me to think of what I would really like to do. On my wish list is having several needed operations which would dramatically improve the quality of my life, having a home with a spare bedroom so that my son could visit me or stay with me when he chose to, being able to afford to study part-time at a good university and do voluntary hours too to try things that I would really like to do without worrying about future earnings, helping my friend who's had an abusive upbringing too, being able to pay for therapy for us and for my son if the need arises for extra support. I would also like to go to a detox centre to wean myself totally off the psychiatric drug I've been on for many years.

I hate the fact that abuse and neglect robs you of so much. It steals years off your life. It takes away relationships, self-esteem, joy, hope, happiness.

I mourn my adulthood and the time I could have spent bonding with and caring for my son and instead was caught up in mental illness. I mourn all the times I was alone in my room when I could have been engaged in activities as a child. I mourn that my stepfather traumatised me so much that I lost my mind and became muddled in my memory. I mourn lost work and educational opportunities due to my inability to cope and make good decisions because of being so ensnared by the past. I mourn the fact that so much of my life has passed and that I am now diabetic and very overweight due to medication prescribed for an illness triggered by abuse.

I mourn that noone loved me enough to nurture me and help me to be secure and develop when I was a child and adult.

[bl33]

Hi, I just found your site and would like to participate. I have recently re-entered stage 2 -- I didn't think that was possible -- unless of course I was wrong about having moved beyond it the first time, heh. I would like posting access. Thank you

[DianaJoy]

I find I cycle back through the steps and stages :) It's all part of the process, I think.

I've just checked your account BL33, you're good to post or replay anywhere! Welcome to the forum!

[bl33]

thanks :)