[pinkiecycle]

ain't no way to tell my story briefly :}

suffice to say my first bone was broken by my mother in the hospital right after my birth, (got one of those every couple of years)... forced to be her safety life for multi suicide attempts, .... beaten awake... etc yada yada... right thru to my request for a restraining order (AGAIN!) 2 years ago when at her age of 75 yrs old she came after me with a sledgehammer...

I am a survivor of child abuse, cancer and drug addiction with decades of counseling & 12 step recovery... but the core issue for me is living with this year after year after year...

so now I've survived it, the courts have finally protected me and I have found I am not alone in dealing with this....

sure could use some help in learning to thrive!

thanks for listening

[Diosces]

Like the previous poster, I am a surviving victim of child abuse, both Mother and Father. Alcoholic/drug addicts..myself becoming an alcoholic.

I'm in AA for recovery and in therapy for dealing with the numerous forms of abuse by my parents.

I pray that I am a good parent and never carryover the abuse to my twin girls.

[Blue]

Hey, this is my third post today. :-x I guess I've proved that I'm not a spam bot! :-p

May I please post here as well. I am working on these steps too...*sighs*

[ladybug1972]

[color=blue][/color][i]
Hello, I am new to the site. Glad that I found it. Hope to find hope and healing here. Also interested in starting face-to-face group in my area.[/i]

[mooncourage]

Hello,
I'm 38 years old.
I've been trying to cope with being molested by my brother for years now, but deep down I knew there was something else.

Last week, I had a terrible nightmare about my father trying to touch me. When I awoke, I told myself that it was just a nightmare and tried to forget about it. I can't! Everyday since that nightmare, I'm haunted by fragments of memories. Not complete memories.

Most of my life, I've felt physically uncomfortable around my father. I wear baggy clothes and hide my body behind tables and walls when I have to make some kind of conversation. I know that these events are the reason why I've never been comfortable with sex and why I've never been able to sustain any kind of long term, intimate relationship.

It would help me to be able to share with others and figure out how to start the healing process.

TY, Sue

[davidb]

I am no professional,

At this time I think you should take it easy on your father. A dream is much different than an actual memory.

What your brother did is very real.

My understanding (which is limited), is that female inherently look to fathers as protective figures. Perhaps your nightmares/feelings towards your father result from lack of protection.

Unless you have real memories I presume your dad to be innocent.

As far as an active interaction I have not found this or any other website to be very (what I am looking for-interactive)

I very highly recommend, however, looking at the ASCA (24) step program. You need to come to terms with the issues involving your brother (the fruggin prack).

I have more to say so respond if you are interested. On this discussion board I have tried to reach out but have not got much back.

Presume dad is innocent till you have a real memory.

David B.

[littledebbiesad]

I am 41. I am finally coming to grips that I am a mess and the mechanisms I built to make it are tearing me apart.

My father was a V Vet. Brain Tumor. VA did surgery & sent him home.

He came home different than he left. From the time I was very young I remember being physically abused by my father. I was punched in the face, head, and more. I was kicked. Up stairs, downstairs into walls and more. I stood up to him when he went after my mother and brothers beginning at age 5. My mother left and came back time after time. I am the eldest. I am the only one that made it out somewhat okay.

I had bruises on my spine until I was 19. Serious back spasms. I had uncontrollable nose bleeds when I was young and had my nose cavities packed with gauze. I ended up in the hospital numerous times.

The doctors and teachers tried to intervene but only delayed the next beating. When I was around 7 my father pushed my mother through Hollywood glass doors. He went to do more harm. I dialed 911. Police came, said it was a family matter and did not intervene. They left.

My father picked me up by the neck and began chocking me in his room holding me up off the floor. He locked the door. My mother got his service revolver and shot the door handle off. The last thing I remember is my mother saying put that baby down and me falling. Not long after he dug graves for us in the backyard. My mother left for the last time. He came and took us one day while we waited in line for school. I don't remember much of that day. I often placed myself in between my father and mother or little brothers and often was hit or kicked instead of them.

FBI and other agents came at one point because a gas station and a nurse among others burned down or disappeared.

I lived in fear each day of my life. We had a special gate for escape built in my aunt's fence in Westminster. But it didn't end there. My mother began beating me and saying things to me. Something I would wake up with her hitting me. My job was to watch my brothers from when I was very young, clean the house and feed them. While we were still with my father he would take off.Many nights my mother left me to care for my baby brothers while she went to look for him and bring him home. My father would give us his pills. One day he gave my second brother his pills and my brother saw things and had his stomach pumped. Another time mine was. When we finally left my mother moved to Tenn for 1 year when someone broke into our house. Then while we were in Tenn someone poisoned our dog and we moved back to CA again to my aunt's house.

He ran down the street naked. He dripped poop all over the house at times.

While we were at my Aunt's house living still I was around 10 my cousin who was a few years older than me took my brothers somewhere. I went to find them. My cousin was raping my youngest brother who was 5 and my second brother 7 was holding him down. I said I was going to tell. He threatened to rape me. When my aunt and mother came home I told. They beat me and locked me in a room with the washer and dryer for weeks. My cousin and brother started coming in and touching me. (I finally remembered this around a year ago).

I waited and one day when the door was unlocked I called the police.

They took me and took pictures.

I got put in a Garden Grove Shelter and they let my mom come and get me. She sent me to Illinois to be with an aunt. I was treated badly there too and became to want to die.

I was 11. I was sent back to CA and it continued. One day my mother was hitting me in front of a friend. My friend told me it wasn't okay. She said to come to her house if it happened again. I ran away to her house.

They took me to a shelter in Los Alamitos. In a few days my mom, aunt and uncle came and took me by force. Again locked me up.

I ran again, and again. Finally the state placed me in foster care. It was short term. I was sent to a group home- bad stuff, I ran away. Another place and finally Albert Sitton home. I was there a while.

I prayed a lot. I should mention that there was religious mania with my father as well after the surgery. I had religion shoved down my throat.

I prayed for a true church and a husband that would love me forever. I was 11.

The admin of the place came one day and said I was a good kid. What did I want? I said I wanted to go as far away from my parents as possible. They asked which direction.

I chose a place in central CA of two that were offered to me. I met my husband that first weekend (we didn't know that until 5 years later) and am in the same church now and feel my prayer was answered.

But the first home wasn't good, I ran away. A teacher took me in.

Then my social worker stepped in and said I was a good kid.

She and her husband moved me in with them.

I grew up there. I had my first panic attack there. They said they wanted a daughter but never accepted me for that.

So I started having relationship issues that were very noticeable when I was in my early thirties.

No one can quite put their finger on it- I just have some sort of tone that makes them think I am arrogant- or I come on too strongly even when I do not think I do. I have no happiness, never really have. I have 3 children and have had a hard life. My relationship is still intact 25 years later but it has been hard. I got cancer 6 years ago Thy CA, and now celiac disease.

This thing about me is costing me jobs and friends. I have an underlying sense of anger and doom. I feel sad. I need to fix myself. I don't know how to adjust my tone. Emotionally when my defenses are reached I am about a 3 or 4 year old level. I am very black and white in every thing I do. Help me. Does anyone else out there have such a background? Both my brothers have fried their brains on drugs to escape. I do not do drugs, do not drink, and am fairly strait laced. I seem to also practice self sabotage. Other than my husband and children I am alone in this world. I hide much of this from them. No one ever really helped when it was really needed, and I have never known love from a family for me. I have always put the other foot forward and kept moving. Bad things seem to find me. I have no sense of humor and when I try people find me offensive most of the time. I want to fix myself. I need to as much as I can. I need peace and harmony.

[davidb]

I am an artist, my history not so bad.

But maybe try to let you emotions out creatively?

Get a large sketch pad of paper (like big size from art supply place, 24 inch minimum) and pencils and differnt sizes of pens and just let your arms flail about. Do not judge the beauty of your work, just let yourself express yourself on the pages (use a lot of paper) And keep it to your self, hide your pictures until you are sure. Take classes at community colleges to get basic drawing techniques?

The "devil will find work for idle hands to do", stay positive and keep your hands busy.

I can ramble on about creative expression, just do it.

[littledebbiesad]

Thanks David. I will think about this. I have at times had artistic outlets. My problem in a nutshell is I do not project what I intend to to others. If I could fix this- my tone- my method I would win half of my battle.

Beyond that when pushed to anger or frustration sometimes I respond as a child. I also view things in a black and white way, very rigid. A dear friend recently told me I am like a freight train.

I have so much information I know I vomit emotionally on people also sometimes when I talk to them. It overwhelms them. I collect data and experiences it seems and I am also a perfectionist. I go overboard.

[davidb]

Debbie? With artwork think only of yourself, do not care what others think.

Black and white, perfectionism? My perfectionistic (am I making new words?) I think come from trying to be overly correct due to bad actions against me when I was totally innocent. I was 3-5 years old and it was a neighbor. And to this day I fear unresonable repercussions for my actions. All actions. I think too much.

[Althea]

may I post here?

[Pippy]

littlesaddebbie, I am so sorry to hear about the awful abuse that you have suffered and my heart goes out to you. I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a neighbor, emotional abuse at the hands of my mother and father. I have been reading the posts and the thing that is most obvious to me is that there is a deep sense of despair and sadness here. I have recently been having flashbacks, intense anger, and thoughts of retaliation. However, I do not want the abuse to own me, I want to be me again and I feel that we can all do that if we find the right frame of mind. Arrogance, self-sabotage, self-hate are all things that we share collectively, and we certainly have a right to feel these things. The problem is that they are all negative feelings that we then turn in on ourselves and that just makes things worse. I have been reading about regaining self-esteem, working on gaining some as over the years I have been lacking in this. I suggest that we use this site as a place to encourage and support each other. Let's give each other ideas on how to achieve a level of normalcy in our behaviors and thoughts. As I mentioned before a good place to start is acquiring self-esteem. Start telling yourself on a daily basis, I am a good person, I deserve to be happy, I want to be happy. I no longer want the abuse to own me and destroy my life. A good way to start is to recognize your behaviors, be very aware of how you react to certain things. If they are bad reactions ask yourself why. Why do I react the way I do to this? Recognize the behavior and then make a concerted effort to overcome it, if you can do this you are regaining some control over your thoughts and actions. I have started to do this on a daily basis and it is slowly working for me. Thanks.

[Althea]

Okay, so this is the last area where I will request permission to share. I'm not impatient, just very weary. I suppose that I am on a different time zone than the moderators, although I suppose that I could just look up locations on their profiles to be sure. I have several memories that I have always carried with me, and am two years into therapy.

[mooncourage]

Thank you Pippy for giving me some constructive ideas on how to deal with my behaviour. Last night, I pulled out "Courage To Change" which is a well known book in Al-Anon.

Each time I open that little book, I feel like whatever I've just read is exactly what I was meant to read. This morning, I meditated before leaving for work to really ground myself and centre my energy. Lately, I've been so filled with rage that I'm lashing out at people who don't deserve to be on the wrong end of my anger. I too have felt like retaliating somehow, or seeking some kind of revenge.

When I read the passage from "Courage To Change", it talked about forgiving myself, taking care of myself, loving myself. I won't allow the perverse actions and the sick people who abused me to control my life any longer. The best revenge is living well!

[davidb]

althea, you are posting here. do not give up.