[wyngate]

Hello,
I’m very new to this, please bear with me. This is going to be very long. The reason I’m here is because I’ve noticed a very alarming trend in my behavior; and I realize that it is rooted in abuse I haven’t dealt with effectively.
I’m a 24 year old female living with my mother and stepfather. I was abused by my late biological father from the time I was 8 to the time I was 12. My mother was working full time and going to school at the time, as well as dealing with several chronic illnesses, some of which I shared with her. She herself is a survivor of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and was the first to realize I was abused. I was not aware that my father was also engaging in sexual acts with girl at the time. The same girl also approached me in a sexual manner and encouraged me to engage in sexual acts.
He tended to make sexually charged comments, jokes, and engage in innuendo as a matter of course, so I had learned to become used to it. Oddly, they were not sexual to me, they were part of his personality. The first instance I can remember clearly is in the bath. He would sometimes bathe me or wouldn’t lock the door when he was bathing so that we could use the bathroom. I remember him sitting in the tub with me, kissing me and fondling me. His manners, the sound of his voice and the way he approached me was different than what I was familiar with. He told me not to tell mom. Later on, he would progress to fondling and oral sex, and encouraged me to touch him. My mother continued to try to bring in an extra income, and there were periods when she and I would be out of the house. I felt safer, happier and more comfortable around my mother, and felt guilty each time one of these events occurred. I felt, even then, that it would break mom’s heart if she found out, that she would blame me because I displayed signs of sexual curiosity and interest. When my parents separated, I lived with my mother, and saw him only for brief periods every six to three months. During one event, he warned me to be careful, “or else I wouldn’t be a virgin anymore”.
When I was ten I felt distinctly uncomfortable with the abuse. I realized by then that it was not a normal way of showing affection, that I didn’t really want his affection or interest, and that I was participating in something that was wrong. The guilt worsened, of course, but I didn’t know how to stop it. In a way, I felt like I was responsible for the abuse because I had not stopped it. The cycle fed on itself. Later during that time period, I caught him with the aforementioned girl, having sex on my parents’ bed. She was fourteen.
I recall feeling dizzy. I ran into the kitchen, and she followed me. The image still remains with me today. They tried to explain to me that they ‘loved’ each other, and the girl claimed she would be replacing my mother. I was physically ill, and I felt somehow responsible for this. My father would tell me that the girl had not been a virgin since she was twelve. There are gaps in the memory of that period of my life, but it seems as though the molestation stopped.
The separation would last until I was in my teens. Visits lessened, and I began to live entirely with my mother. There were times when she would press me, ask me if I had ever been inappropriately touched by him, if he had said or done anything to me that was wrong. I would insist I was fine. I couldn’t tell her without feeling I would need to explain that during certain instances I had sexual feelings, arousal, or felt I had to participate in order to win approval. This would inevitably make her abandon me, I felt, so I remained silent.
During his visits around the time I was twelve, my father would come into my room and wake me up to go to school. He was by now acutely aware of my puberty, made jokes, comments, touched me in moments when he felt my mother wouldn’t notice. Then, he began to resume old habits: fondling, now both my genitals and my breasts, and tried to engage in oral sex. I would pretend to be asleep until he went away, or I would start suddenly and he would stop.
I started recording what happened in a journal. It was just a sentence or two, but I made myself put it down in writing. The day it ended, I confronted him about it. I asked him what he was doing, to which he responded “I’m waking you up.” I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was something like “being touched isn’t my idea of waking up”. He tried to apologize, said he thought I liked it and said he “didn’t know what to do with me” because I was “growing up”. I told him I didn’t and to leave me alone. After that, he left. Again, I have memory gaps here.
My mother found out one day when she reached out to put an arm around me and I drew back-reflexively. She broke down, I didn’t have to say anything. She sat me down and wanted me to explain everything, what he did in detail. They divorced after that. Several years later she would remarry. My stepfather has been very understanding, but it has been hard for all of us. I lived in a country where molestation and rape was considered to be at least in part a woman’s fault. When family friends were made aware of the situation, their first question to me was whether or not I had been penetrated. When it was clear that I had not been, they told me that my father was mentally unstable and to forget what had happened. The idea that I would be emotionally disturbed was brushed aside, and I built up a huge resentment and rage against said individuals, which spilled over into men and women who I felt displayed similar behaviors.
I have not had healthy relationships with men in particular and people in general. Though I have never had full fledged sex, I have used sex acts as a way of eschewing romantic involvement, especially through the internet. I do not trust men in general, and do not socialize beyond what is expected in professional and academic life, with the exception of immediate family. I am now dealing with someone who sexually harassed me at work. This person is following me, and has threatened me. The event has triggered stress dreams, anxiety, and a fuller understanding of the events mentioned above. The result is that I’m becoming extremely detached from others. I don’t dislike people, but I’m beginning to reach a level of numbness and apathy I haven’t felt in a long time, and I know where this can lead. I’m very concerned. I don’t have money for therapy, so I’ve come here.

I know this is long. Thank you to anyone who has attempted to read it.

[Niceguy]

Another effect of my fucked up childhood is thinking it's normal to not establish a family or not establish a career
Internally I've always felt if was "normal" to be practically living on the street and to be alone, normal to make shit wages, and break your back for peanuts.
Stands to reason because I was not treated as a member of a family system by my mother or father and wanted, but instead an unwanted encumberance to whom the minumum amount of time and the minumum amount of resources was invested.

So when others were going to college and thinking about what they were going to do with their lives, and asking themseves "who will I marry" or even "will I marry".. and "who am I" I was in my fantasy still trying to get my childhood needs met.

Shit .....I am angry about all this

[NativeHeart]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and have never posted on a forum before.
My heart breaks for the amount of suffering all of you have had to deal with, but I am awed by the strength and courage with which you have faced these horrors. I hope one day to be able to face my past with such courage. I have been married for 30 years and my husband still does not know what I sufferd as a child and things that happened as a young adult. The ban on talking was deeply branded on my soul. All these years I acepted what I went through was what I deserved. I was only here as a release for my mothers anger and disapointment. I was not a person but a Nothing. I have always believed everything the mom said and still do. Yet I tried to commit suicide the first time when I was 8 years old. I have been confused and scared my whole life. I am now in therapy(rather late in life) and hope(?) to learn and understand who I am. Your post have given me much needed encouragement. Thank you and my best wishes for you all.

NativeHeart
"Walk in Beauty"

[Niceguy]

Hi

I know what it is like to consider yourself "Nothing"

I used to wake up every morning and say

"God forgive me for what I am"

Yes keep up the Therapy it should be helpful for you

Niceguy

[davidb]

Nice Guy,

you hit things well regarding family plans, it is hard to have a serious relationship when (for me something went very wrong at age 4-5), things are a bit messed up.

[Niceguy]

Thanks David
Sorry that had to happen to you
The more you talk about it the better off you'll be

NG

[NativeHeart]

Hi, Thank you for your reply. I hope with all my Heart that therapy works,Bc I just can't handle the memories alone anymore. The flashbacks have become over whelming. I am a wife, mother, daughter and sister and yet everyone feels like a stranger right now. I am so proud of my Family, though I never felt that I deserved them. I can not seem to stop believing what Iwas told over and over---{" you are Not human! you were put here for Me!! I needed something to take away My Pain and you are what I got! You can't feel anything bc you're not real! "}--- I have to stop now. Thank you for your nice reply and advise.

NativeHeart

[mykai]

I have been reading through all the forums and thinking about posting my own story, but it's so long.

Words can't describe how sad I feel that so many bright, intelligent and talented people have been so horribly wronged and hurt in their most innocent time-childhood. It shouldn't be so commonplace! I know you all agree when I say that I don't look at children as an object of desire or a punching bag.

I'm not perfect, no one is. I have my moments of anger when I want to scream until my voice disappears. But I have never hurt my children.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all-you are all brave as hell, and you can do it-you can get through this.

[NativeHeart]

Hi Barbi,
Thank you for your words of encouragement, they are needed so badly right now. I never knew there was a place like this where people really care. It's been a very lonely life holding all the pain inside. I'm glad ,you too, have found the support you needed. My thougts are with you!

Hi MyKai,
All our stories are long, that's what makes dealing with everything so difficult. It never seems to have been a one time event. Though one event can be just as debilitating. I think you have come to the right place to share your story. Everone here seems to understand and care. I'm still to afraid to actually write my story down, so I have alot of respect for your courage! Best wishes!


NativeHeart

[Del]

I just registered today and must say I am a bit lost. I have read a great deal of the material and many of the posts as well. For me I have dealt with my abuse for most of my life starting with my stays in wonderful children's group homes as a teenager. I am in my forties now and have been very proud of the fact I had dealt with my childhood abuse fairly well and had moved on to this wonderful life I have now.

Then I couple of months ago I lost my last job and went into a tail spin. I have lost 10 jobs in as many years and was really struggling with why this was happeneing to me. All of my relationships were falling apart (with the exception of my wife), losing jobs, losing emotional control for no reason, etc.

So I started looking at what the hell was wrong with me. Until I started reading the information from the ASCA and a couple of books on the subject I had no clue what was wrong with me. Now it seems I am showing every symptom listed in this material. I was reading and it looked like the information was written about me. So now I think I am even more confused. I really thought I had all of this taken care of years ago. Now I look at it and all I see is that same scared, confused little boy I saw 30 years ago.

Sorry if it appears I am just rambling. I do that sometimes when i write.

Thanks for listening.

[Alex79]

I've avoided finding places like this for years. Coming here makes it too real.

Let me back track a little - my parents separated by the time I was 3 months old. My dad gained custody of me and my brother, frankly because my mother didn't want it. We saw her when we were growing up, and we actually looked like a great family all around, with the exception of my mother refusing to live close enough so that we could stay with either parent and still attend the same schools.

Both of my parents remarried by the time I was 4, and I've always known my family as two - my mother and step father and my dad and step mother. then there was my brother. It's been a running thing in my family that my brother has forever been my protector. he protected me from a scorpion when I was a toddler and crawling towards it. He protected me from the bully that pushed me down at the bowling alley. He protected me when my step mom would get upset with me because I did something wrong.

He also molested me when I was 8 years old until I was about 11 or 12.

When I was about 16, I remember going to a party at his house at college. Me and a couple of my friends got completely wasted. My dad knew this was going on, but becuase I was with my brother, he was fine with it. He knew my brother wouldn't let anything happen to us. I remember me and my best friend laying there passed out. Even when I've been at my drunkest, I've always been a light sleeper - I woke up when a hand started reaching between me and my friend. I honestly can't remember if it was a dream or if it was alcohol induced, but I remember my brother once again touching me. He was going after my friend, but when I started moving to protect her, he just moved on to me. She never woke up.

He never raped me, of that I'm almost grateful. And I've confronted him about it since. About 7 years ago, I was going through a very bad break up with my ex. I don't know why, but it started to come back to me in waves what had happened. I'd thought for years that it was just really bad dreams and that my mind, like everyone else's, played horrifying tricks on you. I mentioned something to my best friend at the time - who was also my brother's wife - that I'd been molested as a child. I told her to swear not to say anything to my brother about it. That night I got a terrified call from my brother who said that we needed to talk. He came over to my apartment and we talked and he asked for my forgiveness. he also asked me to never say anything to anyone. he thought that it was just kids messing around and that I was OK with it. Him being my brother and I've always looked up to him, I forgave him and that was the last it was spoken about.

Many things have happened since then - I've gotten married, I have a 4 year old son, and my brother now has a son and two daughters. I told my husband early on what happened, and he has always been very supportive of me. But, after the birth of my son, things just shut off inside of me. I rarely show affection to my husband. In 6 years of marriage, we've only had a sexually relationship for about 2 of those years. We went for literally 2 years without sex at one point. And we came very close to divorce, but luckily we worked passed our issues. Sex still sacres the crap out of me. Any sort of affection shown towards me I feel like it's put on and not real. He tells me I'm beautiful and I laugh. I truly don't believe him.

No one in my family knows what happened. My mother and I don't speak anymore - she is undiagnosed, but I truly believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's the eternal victim. I got a tattoo when I was 18 and she cried for a day because I'd ruined my body. It was a tiny little thing on my hip and you'd have thought I'd cut off my arm. I've been manipulated by most everyone in my family at some point in time - yet I still love them all very much. I don't hate my brother, but I resent him and his success. I've struggled my entire life for everything that I have, and it's always been handed to him on a silver platter.

So, there's my story. I have to say my therapist would be very proud of me for writing it out. I've only seen one other person post here that was abused by a sibling. I have to say that it scares me to know there aren't more people out there like me. I feel like a freak of nature.

There aren't any meetings in my area, so I'll be working with my therapist with the manual. I'm reading through it now ans trying not to just scan it so I can SAY I've read it. Iknow I need to read it and take it to heart. I just wish I could be normal for once in my life.

[Rapier]

My first time finding a "group" with similar experience like me :) I feel good for this. Also I feel like I need to talk to get some "poison" still stuck inside of me.........My parents have been fighting each other for as long as I remember, and they did not care who they hurt as long as they win the war. In teenager years, dad started staring hungrily at my body like wolfish which creeped me out and then exposed himself a few times in front of me. As a grown adult, I was still used at times to win their war. Dad was horrible to me until he realized I might not provide for his old age someday, god knows what he will be like if I had been a bad student and poor worker! I had made resolutions to leave home, but after a year of working out there living alone I was tired, stressed and scared. I went home again to have some financial security, not that I didn't have it outside, but the world scared me. I promised myself it would be a short stay as the longer I stuck with them the weaker I become and have less ability to pull myself out again, well here time is almost up, dad threw another ugly temper again, and I realize it's just false hope to believe they have changed. Mom is controlling as ever, being desperate for me to give her extra money doesn't help her at all, and I need out.

I am 24 going onto 25 and I am on a long, difficult journey to heal, since I can't afford a good counselor, had to try find healing methods that work for me. I still wish someday I'd get a good counselor, but for now I am just so thankful internet have materials I need to read. Thanks for this nice organization.......

Right now I am feeling chaos, I know you can't help much there, but I do am screaming out and trying to grasp some help. I used to be worse thinking of suicide a lot, but now I have made it through that. Figure I can go on. I'd just very much wish to know there are peoples listening and a wise word of compassion etc.

[Rapier]

Dun worry Alex I am sure you are not a freak.
I totally understand how it was like, I had hidden my family secrets for quite some years well, basically the years in which my dad made home hell and my school was picking on me for behaving differently........I dressed badly, messy hair, had no idea how to communicate with peoples.......

I read a lot and books truly helped me. I see history and peoples who have gone through stuff like this in the past, I also see greater wisdom beyond our every day sight. And by the way I think Chickensoup for the soul books are rather nice, they are full of love and helps light up a heart.

[AnyDayNow]

I am 36 years old & I am so relieved to have found this place. This is my first time telling anyone my story. I had an appt. with a counselor(a year ago), but jammed out at the last minute because I was still too afraid of how overwhelming my feelings may be when I finally open up, and I also wasn't sure I would be taken seriously because it was my adoptive mother who molested me. As I grew up & got older I'd met many people who had been abused, but nobody by their mother, so I never felt like I could open up too. I have felt so isolated & so different because of this. My adoptive mother was very mentally ill & also an incest survivor ( abused by her father). The abuse started when I was 3 and ended when I was 5. When I was very young I was either very afraid of her or I felt bad for her because she was always unhappy. She flew into rages all the time and always said she hated us, especially my father & I. She had strange rules that we had to follow, dictated by her troubled mind. She never mothered us- it was just abuse & neglect. She gushed over babies, but told anyone within earshot that "once they're around 6 I want nothing to do with them!" She used to put me down constantly . I was very different from my adoptive family, and different in my mother's eye's was bad. She always referred to me as her adopted child. My father knew she was sick, but didn't protect us. He chose to take work out of town to avoid her fits of rage & verbal abuse.My parents split up when I was 9. I lived with my mother & brother til I was 12, then lived with my dad & brother. I never discussed the abuse with my dad; I didn't think I could. My brother has had bouts of severe depression & has been suicidal. He refuses to discuss the past. I moved away from my family & havent spoken to any of them in years. I couldn't begin to heal otherwise. But if I say or do ANYTHING remotely like her I am horrified. I don't want to sound like her, have any of the same mannerisms, anything. I am tormented by flashbacks of my abuse, and feel like the abuse has tainted me. I hate how memories get into my head when I'm trying to be intimate with my boyfriend, a functional man I'm in a healthy relationship with. It makes me furious & totally disgusted. I'd give anything to not remember any of it. Hopefully I can start moving beyond all this.

[Tallystarr]

My story seems mild compared to the other stories I've read in this forum. Regardless of this comparison, I have to acknowledge how the emotional abuse I suffered throughout my childhood has left scars and has poisoned my life. On the positive side, I'm a 46-year-old social worker and psychology student, I'm married to a wonderful, supportive man, and I have 2 amazing grown children.

My father was a hard, angry man. He was BIG...6'4", 275 lbs., with a booming voice, even when he wasn't angry. (As soon as I saw Darth Vader in the Star Wars movie, I knew he was my father.) He used to yell at us kids every day about everything-- watching TV, playing in our rooms, grades... he used to tell us we were lazy, selfish, thoughtless, and he called me irresponsible, ugly, stupid. This occured on a regular basis. To make matters worse, I got the same feedback from the other kids at school-- I was the eternal victim of bullies.

I remember one evening, my father had friends over for dinner. They were all sitting around talking, and I was hanging around them. My father turned to me and asked, "Do you know what you are?" He was smiling, so I smiled a little and said, "What?" He laughed, "A goldbrick!" And all his friends laughed, too. I didn't know what that word meant (I think I was about 6 or 7), but it didn't feel like a nice word. "A person who avoids assigned duties or work; a shirker." What a thing to call your little girl. At least if he had called me a "gold-digger," I would have felt some sort of purpose to my life. I think this is why I've always had a hunger to know what words really mean-- so that when someone insults me, I won't sit there laughing like a fool thinking it's something good.

When I was 16, I used to spend most of my time in my room, listening to music, writing in my journals, daydreaming about a better life. I avoided spending time in the line of Dad's verbal fire. Out of sight, out of mind. My father asked me one day why I spend all my time alone, and suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I screamed at him, "I'm not crazy!" By this time, I had just learned how to avoid being berated by him on a daily basis.

How has this poisoned my life? I was a virgin until I was 18, and I quickly became very promiscuous. When I was 18, I got pregnant. I was thrilled at the idea of becoming a mother...my boyfriend & my father didn't want to have anything to do with it. So they told me to get an abortion, and I did. When I was 19, I got pregnant again (by the same young man), married & had my son. This is the man who cheated on me twice (that I know of) and gave me gonorrhea while I was pregnant with my son. But I believed marriage was forever. At age 21, I got pregnant again, and my then-husband told me to get another abortion, so I did. 3 weeks later, he was killed in a car accident.

I've been married 5 times now. I've had more sexual experiences than I can count, most of which have been one-night stands. To say that I may have intimacy issues is an understatement. My choices in men have been questionable. Most of them have been emotionally unavailable, and sometimes even emotionally abusive. My current husband is the one exception to that pattern, and I'm grateful for him every day. With him I am able to be open and honest about my feelings of insecurity, and he is supportive and patient as I work through them. Every day, I worry that my "other self" will take over, and will somehow destroy the loving relationship I've finally found. I frequently wonder how my poisoned past has affected my children, and I worry that I've done or not done something that will cause them to reject me. I'm pretty sure I chose my career(s) based on my innate need to help other people who feel broken like me. This is why I want to finish the work of dealing with these demons...so that I don't project them onto others and try to fix what I feel is broken in me.

I've been working on my recovery since I was in my 20's, and even had a brief correspondence with my father at that time. I saved our letters, and I can see a little more of what the real story was like. I came by my tendencies to depression and suicidal ideation honestly...it runs in my family. I guess where I'm at now is clearing away any of the remaining 'junk' that might block my path to self-actualization and reaching my goal of contributing something significant to the world. Thanks for listening.