[md]

I am really feeling how much I hurt as a kid to be SEVERELY physically, sexually, and emotionally abused. It hurt all the time, every day and I had to deny it. I had to keep functioning. So again and again in my present life, it comes up that I feel like everything sucks and nothing is going to get better and I need a mommy.

I needed a mommy and I didn't get one. It hurt really really badly to be abused over and over and over again. And I am perfectly normal and fine. I have always been who I am, but I was horribly abused. I came out hurt, but not harmed. I do not harm others and I therefore I experience the pain.

This morning I remembered being raped by my dad while my mom was still hugging me. I would sleep in my parents' bed a lot and my dad would rape in the morning before I was "awake." Clearly I had to wake up when I was being raped, but I pretended that i was just sleeping. It was a nightmare - I felt defeated. My mom was undisturbed by my father's sadism, and thus she was sadistically hurting me. I then had to fear for my physical safety. My dad was an alcoholic and he was rage at my brother and I. I was always afraid he would beat me to death. He did beat me severely as a kid. Then when I got older, he would say, "oh I just spanked you a little when you were young. all parents did that, but then it became the law to not hit your kids." I HATED HIM! He acted like he was following the law!!! That evil bastard!

I have so much more to say, as I'm feeling so angry and sad, but it feels like there's too much to say and there's nothing to say. My childhood happened. Everything that happened happened, and it's over and now I feel all this pain. It sucks. And I live the life I have despite the fact that my childhood was so horrible, but it was still horrible. I have so much pain to grieve and let go of.

I am feeling really frustrated and angry. any supportive feedback would be much appreciated.

[CJ]

I did not experience sexual abuse however I was abused phsically and emotionally and my Mom would not stand up for me either. Not because she was afraid. She was an emotional abuser also. I was terrified of the sound the belt makes when it's snapped, I still become terrified when my Dad raises his voice I guess because I feel there is a beating coming my way. He too thinks it was all just the way kids had to be punished. I remember looking at him when I was really little and just totally falling in love with him, I thought he was so handsome and neat, then all of the sudden my memories change to terror. The kind that starts in your heart and flows out all the way into you fingertips. Almost numbing. I was made to feel that I deserved these beatings and that I was stupid and worthless. I am always pissed off. Now that I see how it is really supposed to be since I have my own family...I cannot fathom what they were thinking. Were they just that ignorant? Anyway the best way I have found to cope is to treat others with kindness...you know "Random acts of kindness" it really helps. It makes me feel proud and good and special that I maybe have made someone elses day a little better for them. When things are really bad(some days are worse than others) is to go outside and remember to take delight in the wonders that God provides us each day. Seriously even a blade of grass, how beautifully shaped, and the color. The clouds in the sky. I just literally take ONE MOMENT at a time because I know there is nothing in,on or around me at that moment to hurt me and try to make myself happy in the beauty I see all around me. And to feel the peace for that moment because soon it is gone again. Just try to keep going back to that place in your mind when things become dark. I have a torn up little plaque that I got years ago, this one little plaque has pulled me through some really bad ones. It says...."I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life....God gave me life that I might enjoy all things". You may struggle with "why did God let this happen to me" I don't even begin to know how to answer that. What I do know is that my child is growing up to be a wonderful person partly because of some of the things I had to go through. The only reasons I know how to really treat a child and what they need to grow are because the way I was mistreated and the only person who made me feel special my Great Aunt. I saw how she treated me and all the other children. Each one of us was made to feel like we were the most precious, special, funny,smart children on earth. She is now 88, a few months ago I finally told her that she was a big part of why my son is such a good kid. She had no idea, and she patted my hand just like she did back then and said "well you ARE special"
I try very hard to take delight in these special moments....and alot of these special moments I have to create myself. Unfortunatley I will never be Daddy's girl, or will never make my Mom proud of me but I know it is thier fault and not mine. It is however my loss, that can't be changed so I try not to dwell on it. Sometimes it comes out anyway so those sometimes I might choose to go ahead and have a bad day or two and cry and cry all day. Other times I try to create those special moments I spoke about earlier. My gardening helps a great deal too. You can go out and coax the little tiny LIVE, tender,fragile, buds from seed to big beatiful plants that give you pleasure to either look at or help stock your pantry. My opinion only.....when children are abused something over time is chemically altered in the brain which causes you to be sad or confused or even lash out at the ones you love. I have found some of the B vitamins to be very helpful. God Bless to you MD. I hope some of these things will help. CJ

[mischie0702]

Like you MD I dealt with my child abuse by simply pushing it out of my mind every time a memory started to come back to me. I can remember in middle school and high school physically cringing when the thoughts would come into my head and as soon as they were there I dismissed them. No one in my family knew that my sister had sexually, mentally and emotionally abused me while growing and I was so young when it was happening that I accepted it and just kept living.

It wasn't until I got older and particularly in college that I started to feel as though I could not escape what it had done to me for all those years. I can remember in high school worrying that I was gay because of the things that had been done to me. There were so many emotions and thoughts that had built up all those years that when I finally started to face the memories I did not, and most of the time, do not know where to start.

I have met with therapists before and obviously think that is a big asset but I can also say to actually read about other people's stories and to know that you feel the same emotions really means a lot to me. My sister and I at this time have a "close" relationship. We have never spoken about the past and she has even talked about what a GOOD sister she was. I say nothing (at the moment) because I want my family to be happy and there was a time when we were very dysfunctional. I would rather keep the peace but inside I feel so hurt, so ashamed, so ANGRY at times and so confused about how to make it all better. Sometimes I feel like a total cry baby because that is my instant reaction to anything that is remotely sad or frustrating in my life. Yet crying was the only thing that would make her stop when I was that little girl, it was the only thing that would make her come back into my room and hug me rather than tell me how disgusting and pathetic I was. All I know is how to cry but not how to appreciate the other things about myself and feel secure that other people see those things as well.

I can honestly say as CJ did that giving to others does help and it is one thing that always makes me feel good. It makes me happy to do something special for another person no matter how small or big the gesture is....I think it's almost a way of fulfilling your needs from the inside out. When other people take the time to do something for me I don't always think they understand just how wonderful it makes me feel because for so long I felt worthless when it came to other people. By showing other people kindess though it brings you fulfillment too and that's so important. I can also say that surrounding yourself with good people is also very helpful. The friends I have in my life are wonderful people and even though I don't always feel like I can go and talk to them about my abuse as a child I always feel from them that I am valued for who I am and when there are days that are extra tough I remind myself of that and it does help.

Thank you for sharing what you did, it is comforting to know that I'm not alone in my thoughts, emotions and experiences.

[Amal]

mischie I did the same thing here I kept pushing the fact that I was abused till I was in college -now- and about a year ago I just couldn't handle it anymore and I told my sister in law.. coz she was for the first time the closeset person I ever had.. the person who abused me he was just a guy somewhere it is more like a diner but I used to go there everyday.. for a while of my life.. however my parents weren't very good I mean they did beat me up I hated my dad more than mom I never had a good moments. you see I was born as the last child of a family of 9 memebrs and I am Saudi not that it is normal to have 9 kids in Saudi Arabia but I don't know what my parents were thinking however there no one I can complain to that my parents beat me up not that I was able to.. my mom's family has a history in maniac my sisters believe her issue with it started when I was born so basicly I was the black sheep for my mom when she get angry with someone she let it out on me.. I am terrified of men and I mean it I hate it but I can't stand a man getting mad at me I think it is because I was afraid of dad you see my mom is kind weak no matter how much she beat me up she was still a woman but my father just slapping me would hurts like hell... I didn't remember much about my parents abusing me as a little child but I remembered my mom slapping me as a teenager and beating the crab on me for getting lost in the mall when I was about ten, she treated me as I was nothing. and my dad too and I remeber that he use to yell at me or just tell someone that he will yell at me it would be enough for me to start crying my heart out of horror, however my sister told me once that when I was so little everytime my mom gets mad she beats me up she does now let all her anger on me when she get mad at someone else but by just yelling and I know how to deal with it I mean i just ignore her but sometimes I would just have a break out and I would answer back or just cry in my bed room. my sisters loves me but all of my mom and dad's problems beside having a family torn a part, no one knew a thing about me... however one of my sisters loved me. I mean she treated me as something matter, I couldn't tell her what happened although I've told my othere sister I didn't tell her a thing about my parents abusing me and how it does afficted me though.. she was just talking to her son who got her really mad so she slapped him and that freaked me out. she earlier was talking to me about my abuse so I said I just don't want anyone to hate me so Idont really want to tell anyone about it anymore so she called idiot for that she did it out of "I love you so I don't want you to be dumb" but that is exactly what my dad does now and I don't like it. it makes me feel really bad about myself..
my feelings about my parents are confused and that is what really drive me nuts - oh my god my dad just poped up in my room and talked to me it was really creepy that I was just talking about him- the thing is I don't hate my dad he is just like my mom he has his nerve problems which make him get really mad at little kids making noise. well, he still calls me dumb and idiot but still deep down he is not a bad person. however I can't deny the damage he caused it on me...


I'm having a break out, it was really good to talk about it to someone who wont judge me or just you know call me an idiot for having all this crazy feelings..

[pierre]

I think it's very common for abusers to minimize their sins. Sometimes the minimization borders on the absurd. Their audacity there is as intense as that which drove them to hurt children in the first place. The egotism (or narcisism) takes a different form that's all. We are dealing with people whose egos run over the truth as well as children.

[WildChild]

First of all, let me express support to all of you posting to the board and also out there just reading & hurting...in additional to childhood emotional abuse and abandonment issues I also have bipolar disorder. I have dealt with an in-person bipolar support group for many years that has helped me a tremendous amount in generally coping with life.

It takes a lot of strength to put yourself out there on the line for the first time and share, to let yourself "be naked" in front of strangers in a support group or forum, whether in person or online. But once you do, you can never go back because you will be overwhelmed by the positive karma, good wishes, and good ol' common sense suggestions you will get from others who share your dilemmas. It is definitely worth the risk.

One thing really hits me really hard reading these posts, and I recognize it from my own life---that tremendous unresolved anger toward those that hurt you that spews out, often onto those you love the most. I am really having a problem right now because when I consider what my parents did and put it in context of the culture and times they lived in, I am trying to accept that their worldview is really 19th century, not anything having to do with modern life.

As one example, my bipolar surfaced early and by my teens (the 1970s) I was being referred to psychiatrists but my parents, among other things, refused to seek treatment. This has caused me many personal problems due to untreated symptoms until I was diagnosed bipolar after a failed suicide attempt in my 30s. I didn't even know THEY KNEW that something was wrong when I was a kid, until recently when my Mom let it slip. The ways they punished me for "misbehaving" (really bipolar outbursts) complicates my recovery to this day.

So, I'm FURIOUS. I want someone to PAY. But my parents are in my life, live close by, and I have a daughter who, with some intervention and definite boundaries, has a reasonably good relationship with them. But I can't talk about this with them -- would Queen Victoria be able to discuss flying in 747? And so my anger simmers...and BOILS OVER when I don't want it to onto my husband and kid.

I am on meds for the bipolar and in therapy as well. I just acknowledged the abuse issues about three months ago, so I am not very far along in the process yet. Does the anger ever go away, or at least get to where you can control it?

Peace to all.

[davidb]

I would say deep breething exercises for quick relief. Mid relief is to go sit by yourself, on some grass near a lake or ocean.

[calliegirl]

I'm a 25 yr old female who was sexually abused by my grandfather. My grandmother had also subjected me to verbal abuse, but this was far easier to get over because she was so ill and I understand that she was just taking that out on me. I thought I worked through my issues and once my grandfather died several years ago I thought I would feel better. The more time passes the more I am confused by the fact that I don't know exactly how far the abuse went. I only remember several vivid occassions with him. Only one was after I became a teen. I think without being able to remember, even though I have forgiven him I won't ever have real closure. I know he abused my mother, but she has only talked about this breifly when she has been drunk. Even if I knew the extent of that abuse, I don't think I would feel any better. I understand that a great deal of my inability to relate as a normal person. The hypervigilence and overreacting to small problems has come from this but I don't really know where to go from here.

[tasha04]

I was sexually molested by my father as a child. I never said anything, I just pushed it to the back of my mind. When I became an adult, my emotional self-reliance crumpled. I developed bouts of depression throughtout the course of my life, suicidal thoughts, cutting, hospitalizations and therapy. I found out from my husband that my mother did not believe me when I finally told her what happened. No big deal, I always had to rely on my own emotional well being as a child for she was too busy living a double life having an affair with a family friend she eventually married. She also gave into my drug addict sister's demands just to shut her up at my expense. I always understood my mother was weak, but did not realize so until she drew me into her verbally abusive relationship with my stepfather. I spent years not saying anything about his bullying abusive ways toward my mother. That is until he started in on my adult children with his threats and vulgarities. I told my mother point blank he is no longer welcome in my home. Unfortunely she relies on him to drive her long distances and she was not happy with the alternate ways to visit with each other. She acted miserable preying on my compassionate nature with a guilt trip. Needless to say I am back to putting up with his nauseating presence in order to see her. Even though most of his abusive behavior is longer present, I no longer have any use for him and my relationship with my mother has suffered irrepairable damage. I now have nothing but hidden thoughts of anger towards her. There is so much more to this story, but the bottom line is I have more feelings of contempt towards my mother than my father who did the molesting. Why do I not feel the other way around? Do I despise her because she thinks I am lying or do I blame her for what happened. She always appears to be the central focus when the abuses have come my way. I want to finally heal and put this whole sordid mess to rest, but do I have to wait until she dies to get any emotional peace?

[joseph]

no message

[lil_dreamer13]

all the time, i am so confused about my past. i constantly belive that i remember things, but at the same time i am never sure of my memories. every time i would bring something up, my father would deny it... call me a liar. i can never say for sure what happened and what didn't, maybe those memories will return. yet i am not sure if i want them to or not. is it better to know for sure what happened to you, and accept the past, or is it better to remain as i am now, in uncertainty?

what i do know is all the emotional scars i have left behind. i always feel that i am never completely all myself. i'm always so afraid, mainly of men. friends' fathers, male professors, and just men in public areas frighten me. i always feel as though they are staring at me, just waiting to exploit my body.

but i am always afraid to speak. i can talk about anything at all, anything that doesn't truly matter. i continually lock myself away emotionally from other people, because how can i talk about things like this? will anyone know how to treat me, be with me, if i say "i was molested by my father." my family knows, my family that i am living with now, but i was so young we just don't discuss it. i don't really want to talk about anything with them either.

i can hide myself, but i always feel like i'm so fake. i present this perfect outer covering, but on the inside i am cracking apart. and there are so many other problems in the world. i feel as though i should just "suck it up" and say, well my life is really great now, so i shouldn't complain. i feel like i don't matter, and that if other people knew these things about me they wouldn't love me in the same way.

i feel as though i can't trust others, because who knows what they are capable of doing. but at the same time, i feel as though i can't trust myself, and then where does that leave me?

[patriciaanne]

I'm trying to remember, one memory never left me but I really want to know when it started. I believe he started when I was 8 or 9. I was raised in an alcoholic family, my father, so it was very chaotic and fearful. Being the 5th out of 7 children, I was an easy needy target to be used, desperate for attention. I stopped my brother's sexual abuse when I was about 12 by simply not showing up where he told me to. That simple, how ironic. I tried to tell in my early 20s but my mother did not want it disclosed and said, but we "cannot tell Daddy". This drove my secrets deeper. So it's been along time since I have addressed this. I've been in therapy the last 5 months, made many attempts before. Still have trust issues but working hard to get through them. Having a lot of anxiety around the flashbacks and memories. Had close to a panic attack driving as a passenger on Sunday. This is very new to me. If anyone has any advice please pass it on.

[researchgirl]

Thank you everyone who opened their hearts and shared on this website. It seems to me that the way I have gotten over a lot of my abuse issues is to talk about it. I try not to dwell, but just get it out. I can't believe how many people have been through similar experiences. It is unbelievable to me. When we are little, we don't have anyone to protect us. I just can't understand how grown-ups can be mean to little kids. I would rather kill myself than hurt a child. That has been the hardest part for me to get over. How could my dad not love me? How could he use me and than discard me? I really don't know. We are all worthy of love. None of us are too far gone to come back from the abuse. The abuse was not our fault. The gross feelings we have about ourselves we shouldn't have to feel. The abuser should be ashamed. Not us. We didn't do anything wrong. But that is what the abuser wants us to feel, so we won't mention it. The other sad fact is that once a child is abused by one person, they become an even easier target. That's what happened to me. It was as if I just had a stamp on my forehead that said: Won't tell and Needy. Each time we are abused a piece of ourselves is taken away, but we can get ourselves back together. I am glad this website is here to help us all do that. Take care all.

[patriciaanne]

Very true researchgirl that once you are abused you become a target. I too felt that something must be stamped on me to notify other abusers that I am needy and won't tell. The few times I tried to tell no one wanted to hear. The ability to talk about this now and not feel alone is priceless and I thank you for sharing.

[GildedGirl]

...and always was denied. So I've never told the entire story to anyone. I tell only as much as I think will be heard without derision, rage and denial.

I tried at different times to the best of my ability to get help, therapy, or group. But so ashamed, and so completely denied--I never told the truth-not the counselors, groups, sponsors.... And, one thing my upbringing taught me was how to convincingly lie about the most obvious things!

Validating myself has made all the difference. A couple years ago, I realized and accepted that I did not love my mother. It didn't come as a grief stricken revelation or epiphany. More a very internal and quiet, "oh. wow. guess what." After a couple days, I actually told my husband. He felt pretty relieved too.

Since then, a struggle in me ceased. I had spent so much of my life protecting and supporting and cushioning her, I had spent my life trying to figure out the "right" way to love her. Suddenly, I didn't, and it was okay with me not to. There are plenty of reasons why she wore me out, but what mattered was realizing and validating for myself that I didn't.

This openned the door for me, and I'm now gradually able to validate to myself all the details of the other things that happened. A particular series of incidents will get in my head and won't get out, and instead of "forgetting," I will let it run it's course and see what my memory brings.

I'm so tired of forgetting everything. I had a great memory, once. I remember commiting to memory the idea that I would never forget one minute of my childhood (it was in a pretty vengeful moment as I recall). I'm sure I still do have a memory that works.... I just need to validate it rather than abandon or deny it.

I just decided about 2 weeks ago, that i won't seek validation anymore from the people involve. My sister asked me why i hadn't told her something, and so I summarized that this was how I was abused, and noted that although she also was perhaps abused, she colluded collaborated, participated and colluded with the abuse of me. Her response was needless to say, more denial and blame of me for it (my very PC sister actually told me it was because I was the pretty one!!!!). My brother tells me he thinks I had the worst of it. He comes the closest to verifying the circumstances from in the family.

So, just as I decided as a child I was the only one who could protect me, even if I did a crappy job at it. Just as I decided in high school, I was the only one I could rely on financially. So I've finally decided there is really nothing emotionally that my family brings to my life that is any good at all. I no longer care if my family validates or denies. I'm on the verge of cutting off all contact.