safe and lonely

Doreen B · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 14 Location: omaha,ne

It seems the only way that I can keep myself safe and not repeat my bad past relationships, is to stay by myself. I really don't like the loneliness this presents. [/b]

kacollins · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 12

Doreen, perhaps this is a temporary place in your life. Perhaps you can spend more time with friends and people you trust. After some healing a companion may come who you can be with again. These are all hopeful possibilities that you can think about.

Try having coffee or visiting the kids library with a friend, or taking a walk with a friend at least once a week, maybe 2 times.

I isolated myself for many years, but have made friends (with people in my recovery 12 step program) and really enjoy our simple times together. Shopping for cheap lip gloss or playing outside in the sun with water balloons. Simple things that can bring so much happiness.

So, you will not be alone. And pray. Ask God to show you good, helpful companions..when you are ready for a "good" relationship.

KC

Doreen B · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 14 Location: omaha,ne

I am not talking about be alone as without a partner. I'm refering to the fact that I do not have any close personal friendships with anyone. I don't make friends easily. I have always been somewhat of a loner. I don't believe in asking a god for help, afterall where was he when i was begging for it to stop? I find it hard to trust in anything.

zhane · Joined: 09 Jul 2008 Posts: 4

I feel the same way as you do. I myself feel like I'm not worth anything. I don't have any friends at all not even any1 to talk 2.

Doreen B · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 14 Location: omaha,ne

So how do you get through life with no one to confide in? I'm really having a difficult time. I'm hoping by being here that I will gather enough courage to get all of this out so that i might be able to learn to enjoy my life than to always be sad.

zhane · Joined: 09 Jul 2008 Posts: 4

That's also what I'm trying 2 do. I only recently found this site myself.

Doreen B · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 14 Location: omaha,ne

Well, I hope to find what we are all looking for friendship and a place to vent where we won't be judged for our past. Good luck to all. I plane on sticking around for awhile.

kacollins · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 12

I hope I did not cause pain in my response, Doreen. I am sorry if I did. We all deserve apologies. Not pity, but just some love, concern, care, shared heartache for the pain. And hope. We need hope.

I have to confess, my birth mom came to visit me on my birthday and gave me pictures of my real grandpa and grandma (who died before I met them) and half brother and sister. Well, they are practically strangers to me. It made me very sad and want so bad to find my dad whom I have never met. I drank too much wine and cried hard that night. My teen-age daughter was unsympathetic and called me a drunk. She doesn't understand my pain. And I should not drink so much..or even at all when I am in that frame of mind. Obviously. And in front of her, I was an unfit mother. The truth hurts. Facing the pain is no fun, but a necessary step.

Finding friends is..can be difficult. I don't have all the answers, and my faith waivers every day. But I do believe in God and I have been angry at him many times..But then, he plants a little word in my head and heart that he is there and not to be afraid and to go on. I believe his Son Jesus paid the price for all the pain. And, this comforts me. Nothing else really can.

I pray that you will realize the gifts you have to offer others. To reach out and share. It is scary. You might be rejected. I have. But you might help someone by being the first to reach out. Perhaps they are just as afraid as you. And they want friends too.

It is interesting that my birth name was Shelly Doreen Temple. Then my name was changed when I was adopted.

Doreen, I am glad you are not giving up. Bless you.

Doreen B · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 14 Location: omaha,ne

Thanks for your kind words and the apologies. I am glad that I found this site and others that are having the same difficulties as me. I have been reading this book called Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume it is a very good book that helps to understand the aftereffects of abuse. Along with the ASCA manuel I have been on a journey of self discovery. Some of it being good and some not. If you haven't read it yet I would recommend it. I'm glad that you are here and that I am not alone.

Jilly B · Guest

I hear you! I think as a result of my childhood abuse and chemical biology, I am both Bi Polar (chemical) and Borderline Personality (abuse)...makes for a lovely person to be with!! I am 35 now, and am just starting to feel I may be able to start having my first "adult" relationship. Problem is, the first person I actually fell in love with, and we planned a future together, when I was 27, I can't get over. Looking back I can't understand how he lasted almost 2 years with me and my moods and demands. And we only left each other because I move to LA and he was in Boston. SO, thinking he is the one STILL doesn't help. I've had other relationships twice, but screwed up. I either picked other messed up ppl, or tried someone normal and drove them away. Not being a huge fan of sex, it's not easy either...luckily, getting older, men are less horny now! lol.....anyway, I am right there with you sister. I feel like the only way not to be toxic to others is to stay by myself. And if I should happen to meet someone new, TRUST and MOTIVE is a huge problem. Doesn't help being a musician either.
Does any of this make sense to you? Hope so, hope it made you feel like ur not alone....
jilly b

Jilly B · Guest

Doreen,
I am sorry I didn't read all the threads b4 I replied. I too, find it hard, esp. as i get older to find true friends. By now, all the ppl my age are married with children..which is a life I never wanted, as I can't deal with routine..but I used to be the life of the party, tons of friends, many of them very good ones, but as the biggest memory of all came back, and I kept having falshbacks, and all that, I started retreating, and now I have only 3 friends in the world that I would call close, like they would do anything for me and truly understand me. But unfortunately, because I have moved around so much, they are all over the country. I have no one where I am now, and it's comforting but also so lonely. comforting to know I dont' have to constantly cancel plan, lonely because I have no plans to cance. CATCH 22.... and I was an oddball too...a punk rocker in a small school of jocks...

Doreen B · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 14 Location: omaha,ne

Jilly b, I understand. It is really hard trying to find someone you can trust and won't turn there back on you. I had also several bad relationships through the years, ( I'm 54) so I have lived with this all my life and now that I am alone I feel safe but very depressed by not having anyone to confide in. I am hoping that this site will help.

rage1967 · Joined: 20 Jan 2009 Posts: 49

I have mostly been alone in my lief and when I did have friends I was always taken advantage of.
How do I handle it? I no longer feel embarrassment about this. I know everything I do is already a known quantity to psychologists and others who study trauma victims. So I feel ok about the things I do that aren't "normal" because to me it is the proof that I am not lieing and it is the evidence I need to accuse my abusers and get some justice.

Tha lonliness? I talk to people on the phone a lot. I have one friend a sort of adopted sister but honestly I don't trust her and I don't know how to build trust with her. (dam now I have to tell her) We are able to discuss very personal and meaningful things but then she says or does something mean or petty for her own entertainment and I withdraw. I suspect this might be "normal" on her part, but maybe not as she is one of "us" victims too.
A lot of victims suppress by victimizing others to give themselves a feeling of power. I fear that is why I am not fully trusting of her.
That's my situation. WooHoo Look at me I'm different just like everyone else:-}
Being able to make fun of oneself helps a lot.

Doreen B · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 14 Location: omaha,ne

Jilly B Sorry for not replying for awhile. I started therapy & was getting really depressed. Also was DX with PTSD. Sometimes really stupid things trigger me. I have started in a group also that seems to help some, at least I'm with others and not alone in this. I have a really big issue with not trusting people. I was always in bad relationships through the years. The friends that I thought I had weren't really friends at all. I'm slowly trying to trust some of the people in group. I guess that's a good sign.

rage1967, I know how you feel the so called friends that I had used me also. I just try to get along with people and maybe someone will come along that i can truely trust.

Aquamarine · Joined: 24 Jan 2009 Posts: 8

Trust has to be earnt and as children we are supposed to learn to trust and how to build relationships with others and communicate with them but how can we trust others if our trust has been betrayed in such a horrible way and by people who were supposed to care for us and protect us from harm. I find it hard to make friends though not because i don't want to but because i don't have the confidence to speak up in social situations and find it hard to 'hug' friends it just feels awkward. I always feel i don't have much to contribute and when i do speak its usually quietly and people then ignore or don't hear what i say so i retreat into myself further. I also give too much and get walked all over. I know why i do this and am aware when it is happening but feel helpless in knowing how to deal with such situations. I'm hoping that i can break free of the effects of the abuse so i can one day be 'normal' and have friends and 'a life'.