[DianaJoy]

I'm not at all sure if this is the best forum for this - feel free to suggest other places for it :)

For that matter, if you want a new thread here or anywhere else, post the request and I'll split off that post to start the new thread :)

Some history - I don't have any recollection of sexual abuse, just physical and emotional. My parents were abusive and neglectful in different ways. I've had lots of therapy, and done some work through the Survivor to Thriver Manual. Generally, I'm happy, very comfortable with my body, and learning to have a really good romantic relationship. My boyfriend and I have had a lovely relationship for almost 10 months now. For years and years I've generally worn little or nothing at home.

Starting a week or so ago, I started to feel uncomfortable with being touched at all sexually. It wasn't that I lost interest in sex, not at all. But, even thinking about possibly being touched sexually made me feel violated. My boyfriend was entirely supportive, and has touched me like he would a child since then, and usually at my initiation.

Since then, I'm increasingly uncomfortable with my own nudity. In my own home, alone, I haven't worn less than undearwear and bra, and usually more, even to sleep. I haven't worn PJs at home in over a decade! Now, I can't sleep with less than underwear, a brea, a shirt, and some kind of pants. I'm scrambling here, because I don't have much in the way of pajamas! I haven't needed them.

Since this has started, I keep unwillingly imagining being sexually molested, either by a stranger or by a family member. Recently I stayed in a hotel with my brother and 7 year old nephew, so we could go to an attaction more than day-trip distance from us, and shared a bed with my nephew. He was asleep by the time I came to bed. I laid down on my side, as I normally do, nearly fully dressed. I couldn't get the idea out of my head of him purposely rubbing against me inappropriately. He's 7!! And he was fast asleep. It didn't really have anything to do with him at all. But I couldn't get to sleep until I rolled onto my other side, so I face him - so I felt I could protect myself from this mythical potential attack.

I don't know why I feel so vulnerable, so subject to attack. But there it is. So, I'm wearing however much clothing I need to feel comfortable, and staying with the feeling. It's there for a reason, even if I don't know what that reason is. Perhaps there's some change going on in my psyche that needs time to work out? I'm hoping I'll emerge, butterfly-like, from all of these garments :) And I'd really, really like to have sex again. But, I'll keep on keeping on, and see what happens.

[littleb]

I've gone thro that too!!!!! thts so weird that you'd say that, as soon as I read it, it was like a lightbulb came on, was like reading about myself for a min. i guess i do a lot of things without thinking about it.

Yes, I do that too, or have done it, I switch back n forth for some reason. Sometimes, I actually feel really good about my body, completely comfortable, and other times I don't even want to see myself in anything even remotely revealing, let alone naked or close to it. Another thing, and this really makes me worry because I'm aware of it, but sometimes i look at my face and I see someone pretty, and other times I look at my face and I look hideous...I dont wear makeup or anything like that, so its not a matter of "i dont have my face on" just just facial features alone. Theres nothing diff from one day to the next, but sometimes I see myself as (never pretty but) decent, average, maybe a little pretty even (on a really good day), and other times looking in the mirror is VERY hard for me to do, just seeing my face disgusts me. I know it has to do with my moods, but it does worry me that I actually "see" a difference in my face. Maybe its normal tho, n i just dun know cuz I don't talk about it.

And not to toot here, but I'm really not that bad, I shouldn't feel bad, esp as bad as I do, everyone else thinks I'm pretty...its just me, i think I see myself diff than other ppl see me, literally. Deep down, I've always felt ugly, and when i have bad days, its like my mind really takes over on that concept.

I think its the same way with the body. Sometimes I'll even admire myself, which generally makes me feel REALLY bad, & conceded, but I do it cuz I know Ive got a self image problem, and otherwise I would pick myself apart. I try to stand in front of the mirror and pick out my good features, as if to compliment myself, sometimes. Like I said, sometimes I can't even stand to see my face in the mirror....let alone my body, so I really do flip back n forth on it. Sometimes I dont even want to wear my cloths, cloths that fit me that is, and I'll wear my fiancee's shorts and a big baggy t-shirt.

As for your recent imagined sexual attacks, I've always had that. I hope it does go away, I would like to be able to feel relaxed around ppl, but I've always felt uneasy, like whoever I was around was going to do something innappropriate to me. I can't even hug ppl, or get a massage or a pedicure, not a pat on the shoulder, nothing where anyone is touching me. I just cant do it. Its an automatic trigger for me.

What has, and still does worry me, ALOT (and I hate talking about this, even on here where no one knows me) is I've created a fantasy about that, almost to get around it. When I'm having those thots, when my mans touching me and I can't help but feel like im being attacked, i just go along with it, and (SHAMEFULLY, trust me, nothing makes me feel more disgusted with myself) I like it. I don't know if its my mind reconciling what happened to me to be normal. Its almost like, I want my man to do it, even tho he doesnt know he's doing it. Its normal sex to him, but to me, its not, but even tho its not..... i still like it. Isn't that sick? I dont know why I do it, why I go along, or how the hell when i feel like that, I turn around and get off on it.........i dont kno....makes me feel really bad about myself tho. Like what kind of sick person would actually like that, esp since having been through it, being forced to do things or being touched. I really dont get it. But...I dont know what to do about it either. Its not like I want that, no one does, so how do I still get off on it?

I've NEVER told my man about it, maybe I should, but I just imagine it'd make him feel bad. I don't want him to think I'm comparing him to my abuser, because Im not, I just can't stop those feelings sometimes. Idk.....lots to chew on tho huh?

Weird, i guess i shouldn't have felt like I'm the only person that does that, just have a hard time thinking anyone else could feel that way. Not that im the only one, i guess it just never occured to me.

[DianaJoy]

I don't know the why of it, but it's pretty common for victims of sexual abuse to come to be aroused by non-consensual kind of stuff. Perhaps as a way to integrate a traumatic sexual experience?

[littleb]

just makes me feel worse you kno? It makes it feel like, maybe i somehow wanted it, which isn't true, and i know beyond a doubt its not true, i didn't like him before he started doing things, certainly hated him for it more afterwards. but...still...there it is in the back of my head. makes me feel guilty when i never wanted, or even knew anything about it in the first place. It has to be some thing your mind does to help you cope...(right??), i can't imagine it being any other way. Makes me feel so disgusted with myself tho, lot of self loathing around that issue. I don't want to think about it, but i do, no matter how hard i try to concentrate on my babe it comes back....., but i don't stop it you kno? I just let him keep going, well like i said i don't talk to him about that either so... idk...talking bout it makes me feel gross.

I hate that, what you "know" and what you "feel" being to totally seperate things. Making what you know into how you feel is hard.

I get real mixed up as far as sexuality goes. Sometimes its all i can think about, and other times I could go (for what feels like) forever without it...it does seem to coincide a lot with when i am and am not comfortable with myself. The days im wearing my man's cloths, are not lucky days for babes.

I used to dress in all boy cloths. When the sexual abuse was at its worst, that was all i would wear, baggy guy cloths. I tried to hard to make myself unappealing. A lot of kids poked fun for it, cuz i wasn't exactly an early bloomer, dressed like a guy, was obviously poor.

oh well, dont know what to do about that, any of it. I try not to think about it, like i said, maybe if i just keep trying?? It doesnt happen all the time anyways, just sometimes, still...idk. am going to chew on it a bit more

[Emms]

I think I tried to desexualize (is that a word?) myself. I used to wear boys clothes and also, when I did become feminine, I stuffed myself with so much food that I became a fat blob, not a sexual being at all. Then I began to believe that a girl was nothing if a man didn't fancy her, I put it about, as we say over here, I became a slag. I didn't enjoy sex though, just thought it was something you HAD to do all the time. After I married I got that I didn't want it at all, still don't but give in and fake it from time to time, for his sake. But let's face it, after the things that have happened to us, we're not going to be 'normal' when it comes to our sex lives, are we? Whatever that might be.

[littleb]

i went from wearing guy cloths, to wearing kinda feminine but very dark-gothic-evil looking cloths, back to guy cloths, tried girls cloths, wasn't comfortable, so back to guy cloths, now i have to look like a girl for work but i dress like im 90 yrs old, or more...just as absolutlely baggy and unappealing as possible. couple of nice shirts but otherwise...blah.

I try to make myself look bad, dont wear makeup, always wear my hair up, never have "heels". i just dont feel comfortable with myself or letting others see me where i "could" look appealing, its like somewhere in my mind, everyone's out to get me.

As for sex, i have no idea, i have it, its generally good, and when its not...i just get over it. sometimes i really dont like having sex, it makes me feel dirty, other times its GREAT, just depends. I make myself feel bad with the things that go on in my head when i have sex, but i guess its "normal" for ppl like us to do it. I guess. (im hopin, cuz i dont have the energy to feel bad right now if not LOL)

Yes, i think ur right, we're not going to be "normal" when it comes to our sex life

[Emms]

I was looking through my wardrobe the other day and looking at my clothes, mostly jeans and trousers and baggy tops or sports tops. Don't often wear make up, no heels or handbags and my hair is short and straight now but I did have the old 'big hair' back in the 80s, we all did. Looking at old pictures and at my clothes now, I've only recently started to wear colourful things, and that's only a few tops or sweaters or a coloured scarf. I've never been girlie, it's not me, not the glamourous type. But as long as I'm presentable, I guess that's what matters. I wouldn't win and competitions for being fashionable but I'm comfortable with what I wear now, that's the main thing, comfortable. I've got a few summer tops that are colourful and that's far more adventurous that I used to be. Perhaps that shows some improvement, not sure.

[BareJerr813]

I am not sure i relate.. understand it

Do you wear "extra" clothes a a safety factor.. to protect you?

is it self worth, you don;t like how you appear to others being nude/undressed?

I am now and most always been a nudist.. being nude is actually comfortable.. kind of relaxing even. When I was younger it was fashionable to be nude in most every foster home I lived in. to me being nude isn;t sexual.. it is being comfortable.

maybe because I am a male.. ? I don;t mind or have a problem being nude/undressed

any Insights?

[DianaJoy]

In general, some folks are more comfortable in clothes, and some folks are more comfortable naked. It's kind of like temperature preference - some folks prefer a warmer room, some a cooler room.

Nudity as a matter of course in a foster home seems... odd to me, but I don't know much about foster homes.

I'm usually comfortable without clothes, so it worried me when I suddenly and severely lost that comfort. When I discovered was that, for, the discomfort came from uncovering fundamental issues with setting and maintaining personal boundaries. I was realizing how much I felt I couldn't/shouldn't protect myself emotionally, and experienced it in my body.

I do that a whole lot - experience emotional issues physically.

Over time I really worked on changing the unhealthy thought patterns. Heck - I'm still working on setting boundaries, and reminding myself that I'm allowed to set boundaries. Growing up, I was taught that I had to met everyone else's needs - if someone else wanted something from me, I was obliged to give it. Slowly, I'm changing that belief. /I/ decide what I do for whom. /I/ come first. I get to say "No".

[BareJerr813]

DJ wrote ; Nudity as a matter of course in a foster home seems... odd to me, but I don't know much about foster homes.


I am not sure about the "mechanics" of how children are assigned to foster homes. now-a-days they are assigned relative to their special need. I know a couple that does it as a "home" business. they only take abused or children in crisis (children that were taken away from parents due to state taking away the child). From talking with them there are all kind of special needs foster homes.. physically and mentally handicapped ect.

Now 50+ yrs ago, in a different state and time, child abuse wasn;t really an issue.. never heard of anyone being taken away from a parent for child abuse, physical abuse.. spanking wasn;t bad.. actually it was what someone did when a child was bad. Now in my case and others, the magnitude of the punishment is the issue. basicly back then, a child in foster care, had to be feed, a place to sleep, and basic education. that is it.

Now feeding.. as long as you weren;t starving you were feed properly.... a place to sleep, could be on the bare floor with a blanket.... basic education was a mininum of 6th grade education.. Home schooling was usually the what you got. Till i got transfered to another foster home, I never had a formal education.. not that it was bad.. but I had no social interaction with other children (outside the family unit) till i was in Junior High school.

Going back 50 yrs and trying to find out about foster homes.. is almost impossible.. as far as protocols and dogma on how it was suppose to be run/operated. If you have some resource, I would appeciate letting me know.. I have found very little about the afore-mentioned topic.

[BareJerr813]

DJ wrote ; Nudity as a matter of course in a foster home seems... odd to me, but I don't know much about foster homes.


I am not sure about the "mechanics" of how children are assigned to foster homes. now-a-days they are assigned relative to their special need. I know a couple that does it as a "home" business. they only take abused or children in crisis (children that were taken away from parents due to state taking away the child). From talking with them there are all kind of special needs foster homes.. physically and mentally handicapped ect.

Now 50+ yrs ago, in a different state and time, child abuse wasn;t really an issue.. never heard of anyone being taken away from a parent for child abuse, physical abuse.. spanking wasn;t bad.. actually it was what someone did when a child was bad. Now in my case and others, the magnitude of the punishment is the issue. basicly back then, a child in foster care, had to be feed, a place to sleep, and basic education. that is it.

Now feeding.. as long as you weren;t starving you were feed properly.... a place to sleep, could be on the bare floor with a blanket.... basic education was a mininum of 6th grade education.. Home schooling was usually the what you got. Till i got transfered to another foster home, I never had a formal education.. not that it was bad.. but I had no social interaction with other children (outside the family unit) till i was in Junior High school.

Going back 50 yrs and trying to find out about foster homes.. is almost impossible.. as far as protocols and dogma on how it was suppose to be run/operated. If you have some resource, I would appeciate letting me know.. I have found very little about the afore-mentioned topic.

[DianaJoy]

I really don't know much about foster care now, let alone historically. I'm interested, but not at all sure how to even start doing the research. The information has to be out there, I'm just not sure where.

[brokenbabydoll]

I remember being about 6 years old and living with my mom. When I had lived with her before about 4 or 5 years old. I was molested alot. Anyway I had chicken pox and she hid my panties. I remember being desperate to try and find them. I was soo freaked out about not having them. My brother felt so sorry for me. He finally got in a fight with my mom and made her give them back to me. Even now at 32 I will not sleep naked.

[DianaJoy]

BrokenBabyDoll, good for you for sleeping how you feel most comfortable. Comfort can be a scare commodity for us survivors - it's good to get it where we can, especially when it's something relatively easy to do.

[tringa]

Well, unfortunately I am a foster care expert. I was in 18 foster homes in 12 years (1965-1977). They were havens for slave labor and sexual abuse. And, this was in California. I was in fights alot and ran away several times. I was in foster care because my parents abandoned all 8 of us and there was no one to take us in. We were all in different counties and I have never understood why we were all separated. I have been able to locate all of my siblings the last few years and we are all very much alike. I was not prepared for how the reunions would affect me. I don't do feelings well, anger and fear. I cannot be around any of them. Memories I didn't know I had keep surfacing. I am scared and cannot focus. I am the only one of us without a drug/alcohol/criminal problem. right now, being a drug addict almost sounds appealing. This is why I am here. 52 years old and my past won't go away.