[dare2dream]

I struggle with my outward appearance. I suffer from severe chronic pain which means I often can't sleep, so I get really tired. Getting up for an 8am class is tough. Jeans, tshirt, chucks and no makeup.

I know when I get depressed I will skip showers, not wear makeup, wear pjs for two or three days in a row. Disgusting I know. So, I will make it a point to do those things, even on my days off.

It sounds stupid, but making my self put on makeup, do my hair, put on clothes I like - I actually do feel better. But I admit, since I've been working on "Myself", for some odd reason, I get uncomfortable when DH mentions my appearance. Most wives would LIKE to hear their husband thinks they are sexy, pretty, etc. For some reason, I will get irritated, blow it off, whatever, I just get really uncomfortable. At times I want scream at him - BUT I'M SMART TOO!!!!

I LIKE looking and feeling pretty (well, at least acceptable) - but I'm uncomfortable with my husband looking at me or commenting on it. Weird.

Maybe because I'm so focused on being "smart", "good grades" etc. I know it is because of that crappy recording in my head - HER voice telling me I am not smart - the usual litany of soul crushing insults. And then when I did seek approval from the other half - being pretty was enough, cause I was a girl. Being pretty, dressing like a slut - that got me attention and I thought approval - but it usually just led to self-abuse and more abuse from creepy guys.

There is a middle ground. So, I wear mostly pants - my work has a bit of a "uniform" - black pants, white shirt and black jacket. It's good. I am learning to dress professionally. Otherwise I usually wear jeans, tshirts and chucks (converse shoes).

[Emms]

Ppl tell me I still wear the kind of clothes I wore before I lost weight, baggy tops and jeans or trousers. Guess they're right. I've only got my ears pierced, twice in each, and one small tattoo on my shoulder that's years old. I do wear a bit of make up now and again and put streaks in my hair, but haven't done the make up for a while, that's cos I'm down I think. I'm not very girlie, not into pinks and heels, but I do like jewellery. I don't always change my clothes so often if I'm depressed so perhaps that's a common symptom. Could do with losing a few more pounds but decided I'm not going to starve just to stay slim. I have to watch what I eat to stay as I am which is still heavier than I should be.

Littleb, I could talk about music forever too so I'll keep it short. Thin Lizzie was a 60s Irish rock/blues band, not unlike Fleetwood Mac. Gary Moore was part of the band for a while then he went on his own with the Midnight Blues Band. Great stuff. And you said you didn't know who you are, well, I know what you are, you're a lovely person.

[littleb]

Awww Emms u made me blush, LOL thank you!

I try not to worry about it much anymore, as far as what i wear, i dont have girlfriends to pick at me for it, not since we stopped talking to our last "friends" (when was that may/june?) and i dont really care, i like being comfortable, and im like u, not comfortable n pinks n heels. Just not girlie, and im ok with that, but a lot of other ppl aren't. lol again...not that i care

dare2dream - ive always taken compliments badly, from my man and everyone else, i always feel like ppl r just trying to be nice if they tell me something looks good or if i look good, or if they think im smart. The biggest thing i have a problem with, is ppl say i look really nice with my hair down, and i hate wearing my hair down, and i dont think i look better one way or another (but i view myself diff than other ppl see me, i'll now admit)

I've been looking at myself lately and am starting to admit to myself a lot more about myself than i ever would have entertained before, infact i would have down right denied it before. Like that ive been fighting an eating disorder, anorexia, my whole life. I was always told i was too fat, and before i was even a teen i started starving myself. Was never hospitalized for it, but i damned well know better, eating 1 sandwhich A day is not enough, not for a growing girl, and not for a grown girl. And can you imagine I felt bad for eating that sandwich!?!?!! Thats not healthy. I do eat a tad more now, i force it down, esp in this past month, but still...i know i still worry about it too much, and have no problem skipping meals thinking "i dont need it"...its food, EVERYONE NEEDS IT!!!! Still, I'll look in the pantry listening to my stomach growl and eat nothing..

for instance I get up at 3am, am at work by 4am, no breakfast, no lunch, i dont eat anything until I get home, generally after 1pm...and i most generally wait until dinner which could be anywhere from 5pm -10:30pm, depending on what we're having n with whom. Sometimes i skipped eating a day entirely. And i didn't ever, wouldn't ever admit that it was as problem.

Doesnt help that im apparently a glutton for pain, so in its own way i kind of like being hungry, am used to it, and for some reason i have this idea that it "keeps me focused/helps me concentrate" (maybe cuz when i do eat i get sleepy?)... dont know where it came from but the thots there. It ALSO doesnt help that i know i'll get more smashed if i dont eat, so i wait all day to eat thn come hom n start drinking and dont eat...

Here's a thot, maybe if i ate more i'd sleep more than 4-5 hrs a night? maybe?

I've come to a lot of realizations this month, about how hard i am on myself, how i see myself physically compared to how everyone else sees me, about my suicidal tendancies (i wouldnt consider myself "suicidal", but when i get down i get the whole "shouldnt have ever been born, everyone better with out me" crap that pops into my head, can't help it unless i admit that its there) about my addictions and abusive/codependant behaviours... a lot of stuff that ive said before but am really finally admitting to *myself* and accepting as truth this month...has been a hard one to get through, but i do feel better "knowing" lol as messed up as that is. How do you prevent yourself from doing something when you don't admit you do it, ya kno?

Lol its like i got on here (6-7-8?) months ago thinking i was going to snap my fingers, realize my wrong doings and blamo be done. LOL!!!!! I haven't even started to change yet, just started to admit that i need to (which i am okay with now, i dont need to change overnight and can't expect myself to)

Thanks, for being my sounding board, as always. You guys are great!

[dare2dream]

We are our own worst critics aren't we?

I keep reminding myself that I need to be kind to myself. I am overweight - I started to gain when they put me on pain meds and anti-depressants for chronic pain condition. And it is nearly impossible for me to lose much of it. So, screw it. I am not starving myself or abusing myself anymore. I got enough of that when I was younger and I CAN stop this type.

I try to eat healthy (lots of salads, more chicken - little red meat), I walk miles each week. I figure I will probably be chubby from here on out - but I can walk for 8 hours in the city looking at art museums and last longer than most 20 somethings I know. I don't drink or smoke - too easy to develop an addiction. And besides, alcohol is a depressant - one of the LAST things I need in my life right now (or ever). My drug of choice is caffiene - I drink too much soda and tea (no coffee). I don't eat sweets or candy, but I loooove ice cream.

I think part of the emotional abuse was attacking our self image (be it intelligence, looks, skills) and those "recordings" keep playing in our head. I know for me, the scared, doubting, fearful voice is that of my mother yelling in my head that I would never amount to anything, that I can't do it. I need to stop when that record starts playing and remember all the things I HAVE done and CAN do. It isn't always easy - but I need to do it.

I know about the whole "wish I'd never been born" thing. EVERYONE can contribute to making this world a better place - everyone. NO ONE ASKS to be here, and I'm sure at some point nearly everyone has uttered that phrase - even if they didn't really mean it. But, for me, if I was never here - then my children would never have been here and I KNOW the world is better for them being in it. I believe in the Butterfly effect for good karma - even it was something as small as making someone smile at customer service.

[Emms]

It's true, we all put ourselves down, we're hard on ourselves cos the ppl who brought us up were hard on us in many ways. I wasn't just overweight, I was obese, but I managed to lose 98lbs. I did put around 25 of them back on though after stopping smoking a couple of years ago, but I also refuse to starve now and make myself miserable. Okay, I'm not the weight I should be but I'm in my mid to late 50s so can't expect to be. I've done the 'wish I'd never been born' thing so many times and even believed that my 2 children are lesbian and gay so that my genes can't be carried on. That's probably rubbish, their sexual orientation is just as it is cos that's the way it is, if you know what I mean, but we all have strange thoughts at times. I've given up trying to be 'normal' now, I'm overweight because I eat too much and don't like exercise and don't drink that much cos it's never really appealed that much. Food is my problem, I just have to control it as best I can but I'm not starving to keep to the weight I was just to make the doctors happy. If I can stay as I am now, that'll have to be good enough, it's a lot lighter than I was.

[kestrel]

I am very self critical and very hard on myself. I am trying to ease up a bit and feel better about myself. I am also trying to spend a bit more time on my appearance and self grooming which has always been very low on my list of priorities. I shower every morning and always clean but rarely wear make up, don't spend time doing my hair - however it dries in the morning is how it stays and I don't follow fashion. I buy clothes when I need to and when they fall to pieces I buy more!!! It is not the money but a quite voice saying that i am not worth spending money on myself. i am trying to change this and take bit more time for me and a little less time for everyone else!!!!

[roxie60]

I've only read a few posts so far but I can tell from what has been shared we have much in common. I just printed the survivor manual and trying to get thru it. I'm hoping to learn how to stop surviving and start living before my life is over. Life has always been a battle, relationships a source of fear.

Hope I can contribute after some time

therapist gave me this site. hoping it helps me learn to get thru this mess that is my life, tireedof the self imposed isolation, being walked on

[kestrel]

Welcome. This site has helped me loads and is still helping - getting to the end although still loads of work to do. good luck

[Harmony]

I have been living in an abusive situation for my whole life, from a very early age, both my parents (especially my mother) have been using me to fufil their own selfish needs that were never fufilled from a young age in their lives.
At a very young age of mine, I do remember my dad regularly saying "Your a little mother." It not only made me feel dirty, but scared, confused, and worried what might happen to me, as if I were somehow taking on my mother's role as his wife. She often treated me as if I were some kind of secondary concubine in a Japanese hierarchy.
I think she never felt as though she was very substantial in his life, and she often looked at me strangely, almost as if out of jealosy and rage, possibly how she felt towards him.
My father would sometimes stay up with me a night, instead of my mother, who I needed at that time, to learn how a woman acts and behaves, and how to deal with female emotions and feelings when they came about.
He would let me watch T.V. all night, and kept it on, I think to drown out my cries and requests for my mother.
Often, when I was old enough for room of my own, and big enough to walk, I would go to their room at night and ask for my mother for reasons that were just again, a female need to see her mother. He would stand in the doorway, and tell me she "was busy" or "she doesn't WANT to come to the door, as if this were a proper response!
I remember feeling abnormal, rejected, and damaged in some way. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong, and more importantly, what I was SUPPOSED to be doing at that time of the night.
I don't think I got regular baths, and certainly didn't have a daily play, eating, or relaxing time. I don't even think I still much know how to relax. Sometimes I will try to open up a fictional book, and even if it is interesting, I have a sort of short, in my brain [SOME KIND OF REPRESSED MEMORY, POSSIBLY NOT BEING ALLOWED FOOD WHEN I WAS HUNGREY VERY YOUNG AGE, OR HEARING MY PARENTS YELLING], anyhow, I just know something significant happened, and it is my brain's way of protecting me since I still live in their home.
I am getting to the point where I feel strong enough to move out by myself, and before I do so, I'd like to have plenty of time to remember the pain, so I can let it go, and move past it.
Anyone have any helpful tips/advice for UNLOCKING repressed memories?

[Emms]

I think therapy can help but sometimes the repressed memories just seemt to appear when they want, as if they only come to us when we are able to cope with them.

Life is hard. It's a long road to recovery and takes a long time to be able to trust ppl, so many have let me down that I know how tempting it can be to spend life in total isolation. But we're not meant to be totally alone, we need othrs at times and there's others on here so you're never totally alone if you post here. I think that the memories will return if it's possible, if your mind is strong enough and ready. Of course, there are things that we never remember and now I wonder if that really matters. What we have to do is to be at peace with ourselves and until we've remembered enough, if perhaps not everything, then we can feel some kind of peace.

[Harmony]

Thanks, Emmes. I believe you can achieve anything you want enough.

[kestrel]

Ems, I completely agree with you about learning to trust and also for me not being a 'doormat'. I had to learn to say 'no' and still I am not good at it. I worry too much about what other people think and do things that I really don't want to do. this is still an on-going process of trial and error but it can be an uphill battle.

[Emms]

Kestrel, I also have problems saying no to ppl. I've been used and abused by so many ppl, it's only now that I've actually started to really stand up to ppl and even that upsets me cos it makes so called 'friends' not want to know me. But if they want a doormat, they are not friends, never were. Better off without them.

[Harmony]

kestrel--I do not know you that well, however, I am sure that you have reason to say that ppl have treated you as a "doormat," just know this, no one can treat you as a doormat if you do not allow them to.
Also, why do you feel people view you as a doormat? Is there something you have done for them that you do not feel you should have? Why is that??
Emmes--I totally agree with you about the not needing all the memories at once, why put ourselves through all that? As far as the other part goes, if ppl treat you as a door mat, your absolutely right, you don't need them anymore. Possibly that is their way of saying they have nothing left to say, and just don't want to tell you directly.
Just today, I called my aunt and left her a nice messege. I asked her if she would call me today because I just wanted to talk. I also said I had some important news that I would really love to discuss with her.
Instead of calling back, or just leaving it alone, she sent me a text. The text was very condescending, and said she had such a busy work day, and she didn't have time to talk. Yet she was sending the text. Then she said she'd be happy to pay for a class for me. It wasn't the offer, or what she said, it was HOW it was said, as if she was throwing me a bone. I didn't WANT anything from her, $ or gifts, just to talk to my Aunt about something important to me. It happened to be an interview coming up, but I didn't mention it in the messege in case she didn't return my call. Anyway, I texted her back saying how I didn't need the class at this time, but I did really want to talk with her about something else more pressing. She texted back and said that if it can't wait, I can send her a text.
I was insulted that she wouldn't merely return my phone call when it is something important, and that everytime I try to talk to her lately, she wants me to perform some kind of begging act, just to get her attention. I'm starting to get sick of making myself into an idiot just to have a conversation with her. I ended up just texting back "Forget it." I meant it. I'm done begging her to be my aunt and a friend. I don't want charity.

Harmony

[sissy]

Hello everyone. I'm new here. I was the victim of sexual abuse by a family member as a child. It has been 30 years now, and it has only recently occurred to me that the reason I have very few close friends and never get involved seriously with men goes back to this.

I have never repressed my memories, but for many years just thought I was "over" it. A little while back, however, I realized that I broadcast a "stay away" vibe. And I broadcast it VERY loud and clear.

I would like to have a "normal" life someday. With a family of my own. I'm approaching 40 and know that the longer I let this go, the less likely that is to happen.

Unfortunately, I don't live in an area that has any groups. I'm hoping that this will work in the meantime. I'm also currently looking for a psychiatrist to help me.

Like most of you, I've spent my entire life feeling alone and "different". I am hoping that my habit of feeling worthless and sabotaging myself will be broken and I will feel "real" some day.