[Time to Heal]

It's a hard question to answer boatguy. I know why my Mom never asked me cuz she was the one who put me in the situation, but I often wonder why my Dad never asked why I was going there so often or even my Sister. She would sit on the couch and act like nothing. She never asked how come when I came home it looked like I was crying. She never asked once...neither did my Dad.

[Emms]

Boatguy, I don't know why anyone would constantly take a young guy to an older woman's house and leave him there, unless that older woman had some control over them. It amazes me.

I guess I understand why my mother didn't stop the sexual abuse that was happening to me, it was what she had grown up with herself and she was a psycho anyway, but why did my dad let so much go on? He may not have known about the sexual stuff, it never happened when he was there but I think he just denied it all to himself. He knew my mother was a liar, a manipulator, a thief and that she would set me up saying I'd done the things she'd done herself. But he chose to believe every word she said and the only thing close to an answer I once got from him was that I had no idea what a life she'd had. Then why didn't he take her away from it then? She refused to leave the parents who were just as screwy as she was and he was afraid of having no woman. I don't think it's anything to do with us, it's them. They are so weak they are terrified of being alone, doesn't matter about anyone else being hurt. They 'need' their partner and make sure they keep them, whatever the cost to others. They don't realize that there are worse things than being on your own. My fatehr gave up his whole family for many years because when my grandmother was alive, who we lived with, she wouldn't allow his family to even be spoken about in the house and I certainly wasn't allowed near them. It was all isolation and secrecy and if Dad was alive today, I'd argue all this out with him, but could never win. He'd always take that bitch's side.

[littleb]

Ppl see what they want to see boatguy, my mom didn't want to see that her boyfriend was a pedo, and ALL the signs were there....but she didn't want to believe it, still doesnt, and so she never asked, never suspected, never thot twice. To this day the worst of it, in her mind, was done to her. Its wrong, but seems to be that way.

I never confronted her, probably wont ever confront her about it. Its not going to do much good now, just make her feel even more like a failure...so, whats the point? She already feels bad about dad, and about me just being around pedo because of all the other strange shit that went on, add to the mix that he molested me it would just make her feel worse. I've thot about it over n over, if it would make me feel better i think it would be one thing, but i dont think it would. It'd make my mom feel bad, and rightfully so, but that wouldn't make ME feel better, i'd feel worse for her feeling bad about it, because i know she didn't know. Then she's got that disease, she's already so stressed out.... i'd be the one pushing her over the edge, and i dont want that on my conscious either. I've even tried to play out the covo in my head, how it would go, what she would say, but regardless of what was said the end result would be, she would know, feel terrible, think on it for the rest of her already limited days, and that would be all it accomplished. She wouldn't be able to tell me why she didn't see it sooner, why she couldn't protect me, she doesnt know, ya know? She never suspected it, even tho, she REALLY should have. She didn't plan it, she was just SO dependant upon him, that she couldn't see it, she didn't want to.

I mean who wants to look at their significant other, friend, family member and think "he's/she's molesting my child", likewise, maybe ur parents thot "he's doing work for her" or some other similar "common" train of thot. Ppl don't expect their children to be taken advantage of in that way, maybe they should, i know i def will be on the (constant) look out when i have kids (which makes me worry bout being a helicopter parent but id rather be overprotective than not protective enough i guess...) but not everyone grows up that way. "normal" ppl dont know what its like, don't know the signs of what its like, unless they take a specific interest in it, unless they educate themselves and look for it....chances are they wont find it, even if its happening right in front of them.

My mom, really should have seen it, but was so codependant, and on top of that he took her weaknesses/insecurities, about herself and amplified them, made her believe that SHE was the bad one and lucky she was with HIM, even tho the duche bag never lifted 1 finger to help, and ONLY took away from everyone he knew. My mom had no shortage of ppl telling her "that was a bad dude" and she still didn't listen, still didn't suspect because of what had happened to her, (and the fact that he knew it and could play his cards off that).

Check it, he used to "joke", with her, about wanting to be with me and her at the same time. "Joking" about it. Joking about wanting to be with her, me, and my grandma even..."but oh its just funny, just a joke"...and when ppl would suggest (and there were plenty of ppl that suggested) that I was in danger of him sexually molesting me, he made a joke out of it. HE made it seem like it was all "just talk", that "these ppl dont like me so their spreading rumors". PPL thot that my mom "gave me up to him", and would say that TO HER and STILL....nothing, she was so under his bullshit spell that she didnt even QUESTION it, didn't even ask me. It was an impossiblity to her.

I think about all that and it makes me mad, it makes me want to tell her, confront her about it but at the same time that I'm angry, i still know it wasn't her fault. The guy was such a manipulative little prick, he knew she had a disease that would make her a vegetable (in time), and that because of that she felt bad about herself, like she didn't deserve to be with somebody, that she was over weight, just out of an abusive relationship, feeling down already because she couldn't sustain a job and a home for her children, and because of the disease, she couldn't fully take care of her children, even tho she worked her ASS off trying, (gave herself a damned heartattack even)...he knew that no one believed she was "sick" that she was just "depressed", not even her family believed her, and he took all that, and turned it around on her, and manipulated her with it. He saw he flaws, or her percieved flaws, and amplified them. She believed no one else would want to be with her, that she would be alone her whole life, that she would screw up her whole life, that the problems her children would have would all be her fault and that we would all blame her and that we'd all hate her...and he even went as far to say that what happened to my aunt (who was murdered about 3 years ago by her husband, he shot her, my 3 yr old nephew and then himself) would be what happened to me. He said that's how my babes and i would end up, like me aunt and her husband.......he used some serious scare tactics.

Anyways...this turned out to be a long one so i'll wrap it up here...

[littleb]

I think thats a reason i may never confront her about it too...because he told her that we would "turn against her" and that we would "blame her for our problems" and "hate her"... and that everyone would listen to us and hate her too, and it was such a load of crap, and i wont be the one fufilling his sick statements....it just confirms what he said. And one ioda of truth that comes out of what he said, she'll apply to all of what he said, and believe "maybe he is right" and doubt herself and her own ability more. I WILL NOT satisfy him, or ANYTHING he said, in that way

I have to hand it to her, atleast she did, eventually, say "being alone isn't as bad as being with you, get the fuck out", and i give my momma serious props for that, because a lot of the time it doesnt work out that way. Its unfortunate but true......i am glad she atleast listened to my brother when he said "dude's not right"

[boatguy]

I wonder just how many people don't leave a relationship because they don't want to be alone.

[littleb]

A lot im sure, unfortunately.

I have no issues what so ever, about being alone, if thats what i needed to do. Having someone, is always nice, always nice to feel wanted/loved/cared for, but someone hurts my baby, it would be over (my ass might be in jail too afterwards but...)

and i guess, if any good were to come from all this, that knowing that i could be on my own, be alright by myself, is the good of it. I love my man dearly, and i would hurt if we had to split it up, but i could do it if i had to, and i would be ok. I know i can make it.

Sometimes living on my own sounds VERY appealing anyways, and that makes me feel bad. My babes isn't a bad person at all, i love him to death, dont want to be without him per se, just sometimes i wish i could go be a hermit somewhere for a little while, get away from it all, not see anybody. I would take him into this imaginary hermit world too, but he's too much of a social butterfly for that lol. He LIKES being around ppl, can u imagine...lol

i love him for that too tho, i think is part of the reason we're so good together, he's outgoing n im not. He takes me places n meets ppl i would have NEVER seen or met otherwise.

[Emms]

I like being alone sometimes, I think I'd go mad if I had ppl around me all day but I don't actually want to live on my own. It's like I need someone there to do the things I can't do, to make sure things are ok when they get too much for me to cope with. I wonder if that comes from not having been nurtured properly as a child. Most of me has grown up but part of me is still afraid of total isolation, of not being able to cope. I feel a bit like that at the moment. But when it comes to actually being physically on my own, I don't mind that. It's like I need someone to turn to when things come crashing down. Thing is, I'd rather live alone and have no one at all than have an abusive partner now, if anyone starts that around me, they go. That's what happened with the recent friendship I had, she was driving me crazy so it was better to have no freinds at all than have her using me and abusing me emotionally, belittling me and bossing me around. Enough is enough and I'm better off without her.

[littleb]

Yea, im willing to admit it now, im a control freak, i want to do everything n not talk about any of it, not share any responsibility or work, even if i feel like im losing control, that im not coping, that i can't complete the task at hand on my own, i dont relinquish control to anyone else, because i feel i can't trust anyone else.

I feel like i can and should do everything. I want to do everything, because i dont trust anyone else to do it and do it "right". I know its a problem, and it makes my man feel bad, so I've been trying to hold myself back and let him do more. Have more trust n faith n him (and its REALLY hard...but i am doing it)

Hell i wouldnt even let him clean without comming behind him n doing it again....can you imagine how frustrating n degrading that made him feel? I can't even trust him to clean??? Or cook? (god forbid he step a foot in the kitchen, im right on his heels, and i know its got to be frustrating..) He's never done the bills, i do all the finances, i say what we can n can not do or buy...??? Its "our life" and "I" run it, thats not fair, ya kno? To him or me.

The only exception seems to be when it comes to "treating ourselves", I dont know and dont care what we do when we've been "good", im not used to rewarding myself, or being rewarded, so i let him do all that, no problem. when it comes to everything else....that my department (and "everything else" shouldn't be)

So the thot of being alone n having all the control n not worrying about who i make feel bad is appealing...very appealing, but i know being with my babes is much better than being on my own, because he provides me with something i can't provide myself. Love and emotional support. I'd rather be with him, n deal with having to learn to let other ppl do things for me, to not hold myself to these unreachable, impossible standards, no matter how hard it is, than be by myself, knowing good n well i pretty much hate myself (am working on that, just being honest)

I feel like it all has to be perfect, and if its not, it will be my fault, so i work n work n work to make everything perfect, but if it doesn't go or turn out the way i want, i beat the hell out of myself for it. Thats not fair to me or anyone else, cuz i expect everyone to have the same standards, n when they dont meet them i seem them a bit more negatively than i did before (and how is that fair to anyone? no wonder i have no friends...)

Its a good thing i dont live on my own, even tho it "seems" easier sometimes, i need learn that its ok to let others do things, and its NEVER going to be perfect, no matter how hard i or anyone else tries. I need to learn to not fuel that self loathing fire when things dont go the way i planned. Nothing is perfect, esp not me, i shouldn't expect myself or anyone else to be so.

[boatguy]

I really like being alone, during hard times in my marriage, I would prefer it. But even without the emotions, like at work, I much prefer to be on my own, at home too. Unless you count my dogs.

[Emms]

Yes, dogs are good mates. Gor a cat and she comes and goes as she pleases, but my dog is always there for me even though he doesn't know it.

[boatguy]

I think our cat is going to have kittens, that or she got really fat, one or the other. I wish that I could be as comfortable around people as I am with dogs. But dogs have no hidden agenda, you get what you see. Nice

[Emms]

And they are loyal too. So are horses, I also quite like them. To be honest, I like most things that have four legs and a tail. It's the human race who cause all the trouble on this earth, cause all the wars and everything bad. Sure, animals fight, they fight for survival, for supremacy in the pack, for territory (but usually only if they think someone else is stealing their own) and the males fight over the females, well, nothing wring with that (hee hee). But they don't go out to make war in the wild and the only animals other than us who kill for pleasure are the one's we have domesticated. Says a lot about us, doesn't it?

[littleb]

Oh how i feel ya there boatguy...if ppl were as loyal and understandable and loving as dogs are i wouldn't have a problem at all being around ppl.

Ive not had a good past couple of days, again, seems to be a never ending theme here. Small house fire thursday night, no one hurt nothing damaged, but kept me up all night and the ac was what started it so we sat all night with no ac (and it in the high 90's low 100's at night here) sat the rest of friday till about 1pm with no ac (i dont even want to talk about how hot it was then). House smelled, had to hide 2 of the 4 dogs cuz my landlord came over and 2 of the dogs are our new roommates (who we also had to hide cus he didn't know about them either). Found out Fri that my grandma on my dad's side has cancer again. She's 92 and had breast cancer 2 already, she says she's not going to get treatment, just going to "let the good lord take her when its her time" or so my mom says. She gave me her number, told me to call her, and her number sat on my kitchen counter all weekend long. I was too afraid. What am i supposed to say? "Hey granny haven't talked to you since i was 17, heard you were dying, whats up?" I feel so pathetic, not talking to her in the first place, but i dont talk to anyone, none of my family. I dont know what to say, it still all feels like a big secret, my life is a big secret, and im afraid everyone will know im keeping something hidden. Afraid everyone will think worse of me for the things that happened, and that they can "see it", like i have some "fucked" aura or something...and that kept me from talking to my DYING grandmother....what the hell's wrong with me?

I feel like shit for not calling her. I don't know that she'll make it thro this week to next weekend (when my mins are free..and jeezuz knos i can't afford to go over on them this week) Then again I did everything to avoid calling her this weekend tho...what will make the next one diff????

I sat alone last night with my (4) dogs n cried about it, i dont know what to do, or what to say, or how i should be. Lol and my dogs still love me...amazing huh?

I want to post back to all the threads i missed, but prolly wont have time today, maybe not for a while. i've got to do something about the debt that eating us alive right now...we're on our last credit card, and the bills are continuing to stack, i don't know what else we're gonna do.

Makes a person want to just lose it...my boss's wife told me "if you didn't have bad luck you wouldn't have any at all"....which feels so true it hurts. I mean at this point im either cursed or about to win the lottery right??? (gotta play 2 win...and i dont...so there's that one out the window)

I feel like im always struggling, and im not even 22 yet and im fuckin TIRED. I dont want to struggle any more, i just want things to get better and they dont. And i keep telling myself it will, that it can't always rain, and im always wrong, there's always something. Always something i can't fix, or couldn't prevent, always something to make me helpless. Im tired of "rolling with the punches" im getting my ass whooped. A little one-two is one thing, but my ass is getting pumelled every time i turn around.

Guess it could always be worse, i keep saying that too (please....not an open invitiation to the universe to actually "get worse"...just saying...) could have not seen the smoke rolling out the vents on thursday night, coulda been asleep....coulda been hurt or had serious damage...or worse. Lol coulda been in a car accident on the way into work this morning too but....piano fall on my head from 30 stories like in cartoons...

Trying not to wallow in it all, but its mighty hard, and my not calling my grandma makes me feel so much worse, really about myself more than anything else, but i really dont know what to say. Ur son's a bastard? My life sucks? Im broke as hell and working my ass off for shit? I mean at this point i have nothing good to say about whats "going on in my life" right now... so i call her n bum her out when she's dying? tell her all my petty bullsh*t while she's dying? What do i say? I mean if i call, do i tell her i already know (then its like, "now that ur dying i'll talk to you")

I wish i could have talked to my family, wish i didnt have this (these) problems, wish i could have REAL relationships with ppl. I dont have friends, i barely have family, and the ones i do have i can't talk to...i've got my man. Thats pretty much it.

i dont know. Sooooooooo tired. Tired of thinking about it tired of worrying about it, REALLY tired of trying to "fix it" to no avail...

Am wallowing in it again, bad gir. I've wanted to pull my hair out all weekend tho, n didn't.

I was pissed tho, i told my man, and he said "well its a part of life, look how many ppl in my family died from cancer"....like it makes the fact that my grandma's dying is better? No "im sorry", no nothing....just "well it happens". I know she's 92, its no surprise to me that she's going, but that doesnt make it "ok"...my mom's dying too "being part of life" doesnt make it better....just makes it known.

Ok am going to stop now, for my own sake more than anything. incase im not on for a while (I'll be back i promise!) lots of love to you all, n hope ur all doing well.

[Emms]

You've had a rotten weekend, littleb. I get those feelings too, about having this 'fucked' aura about me. I feel like my life is cursed sometimes and that nothing I do is ever going to go right.

I had a friend who died years ago and you know, I didn't go see her when she was ill (she lived a way away from me) and didn't even go to her funeral. Don't know why, perhaps I couldn't have dealt with it. I think she would understand though and your grandmother probably would too, so don't beat yourself up over it.

I know what you mean about feeling tired, I feel a bit like that at the moment. It's a feeling like 'if only someone could come along and take this shit away from me and make it all ok.' No one ever will though. But I've been in this down state before and survived it, so have you. You've been to hell and back in your short life so you can get through this. It'll pass, like a bad headache that pills won't cure, it does go away but it takes time and sometimes a but of hard work. Easy for me to say though, it's not so easy when you feel so tired.

I feel for you, I've got virtually no friends too, and NO family now at all. But you've got us on here, you reach out to us and someone will be here for you, I promise. Wish we could wave a magic wand and make it ok for each and everyone of us, but sadly, we can't. Wish I could help more. Hang on in there, it HAS to get better cos you've alredy reached rock bottom.

[kestrel]

Hi littleb. Wow very tough week for you. I know what you mean about having no friends. A couple of the suggestions are to talk to friends growing up about how they saw you - what friends - i did not have any. i was not allowed and was scared how dad would react anyway. this is something on my list of things that i want to sort out. i want more friends outside the family. I know I can do this - eventually.