[shafroggy]

I really don't know where to begin here but can honestly say that ,now that I have three little girls of my own, the distrust of men and the emotional pain has grown worse. I believe my trigger was last year when my dad got out of prison and contacted my brother, sister, and mother. Then this year my littlest began school for the first time. So,now I lie awake for at least an hour everynight and the memories and horrible thoughts pour out no matter how hard I try to forget. After I get to sleep I am usually fine but some nights I drem about the abuse happening again and have even had nightmares about it happening to my girls. I have so many questions and emotions about everything that has gone on. They run through my mind most of the day and the memories pop in my head at the most inappropriate times. I hate feeling this way. Today is a bad day where I feel like a dark cloud is hanging over me even with the light from my children and husband. Life must go on though.

[Harmony]

My suggestion to you is to not allow the thoughts of bad memories to pour through your mind at the worst times of the day.
Just tell yourself, now is not the time, and I will put this into a box and remember later.
Then, when you get the time, force yourself to have a "healing" period, hour, or day, when you set up a safe place to vent (like this blog), and also an alternative (like a funny movie or friend to be with), and when ready, just go crazey with the online blogging and sharing.
It helps to put those types of ruminations into a "box" so that they don't take over.
Give yourself some space, share, vent, and allow yourself to forgive your past. Only then can you move past and let go.
Letting go in a safe way allows you to take back your control.

Love,

Harmony

[shafroggy]

Thanks for the advice. I have been trying to put these things out of my head and move on. I thought I was doing a great job until here recently. I'll just keep trying.

[Harmony]

shafroggy,
Everyone has periods of time when all of a sudden a bad memory that hasn't been dealt with pops into their minds. Sometimes you can get closure through someone else appologizing for what someone who's truely sick did to you, or that affected you in some way.
Usually, the offending person did the cruel act out of some form of desparation, and probably are incapable of applogizing, possibly because they are worse off than you think. Just leave it at that...
As far as things going bad lately, or whatever you said about recently, maybe try to do something you know is a release or comfort to you, something you know you can accomplish, and have had good results with in the past.
For example, I know I have money in my Food Stamps account, and I can verify that on the phone if I have any questions, day or night. If I can convince one of my parents to lend me the car at a decent hour of daylight, I KNOW that I have the ability to get food from a grocery store, and eat something I enjoy and that is healthy. That makes me feel good.
It also forces me to get my mind off the past, and things I have no control over, and do something a little bit challenging, but I CAN definitely see through from start to finish, and ACCOMPLISH. Then I can feel proud of myself.
Also, to help you get past your memories, I made up a journal that I just started using. It has three bullets to each date I write. 1)Feelings/Emotions 2)Memories 3)Coping mechanisms.
Ex.:
1.)Being trapped, scared, overwhelmed
2.)Being locked in my room (age 4or5),hungrey, not knowing why, being told to stay there, because I was being punished.
3.)Noticing/Awareness of my surroundings, looking for something safe or reassuring, chewing gum, candy, or drinking juice, water, milk, or tea (my favorites),talking with someone friendly and safe, being in a safe public place, changing locations, even moving into another room, using the restroom

Hope this helps.

Harmony

[Emms]

I still have feeliongs of being trapped even now, not just memories, other things too. I dreamed about my mother last night. I still do at times. It wasn't a scary dream, they're long gone, but I was trying to have a shower and she was with me. I tried to take off my clothes so I could get under the shower water but every time I removed an item of clothing, there was more beneath it. It seemed like it went on for hours, taking off one layer of clothes only to find that there was more underneath and I wanted that shower so much. My mother wasn't being bad to me, she was smiling and watching and encouraging, the way she was when others were around. But I was getting so frustrated that I couldn't remove all my clothes and get into the shower.

I'm not sure how to interpret that dream but I think it has something to do with still feeling trapped and it all goes back to her as she was the one who first trapped me and hurt me. I wanted the shower but couldn 't have one, something was stopping me doing what I wanted, it was the clothes but I think they were kind of symbolic. She was there cos she was always the one who stopped me doing what I wanted, she was my biggest abuser. Even though she didn't sexually abuse me, she knew it was going on and lied about it and lied about me to cover it up cos that suited her. So I think it was about the frustration of feeling trapped. It never goes away and have to say I didn't feel bad when I woke up, I was just so relieved it was only a dream.

[Harmony]

Emmes, I must say, I think your dream IS quite substantial. I'm not a professional or anything, but here goes my interpretation...
I would say you are correct in saying that your mother's being there was a huge role in the dream. I don't know exactly what type of abuse you went through, sexual or whatever, but I don't think that DETAIL is important to your dream. I would say the clothes represent your mother's role in the abuse, the COVERING up, hiding, and making excuses for your abuser. Exactly what a mother ISN'T supposed to do or "encourage". I think the cruel part is that your mother APPEARED encouraging of you taking off your clothes, when in fact, she was doing just the opposite by appearing that way on the outsiders, when in fact, she was almost supporting the abuser by covering up the incident or LIEING about it to everyone else, something which was a huge MISUSE of her authority, and trusted role as your mother. She didn't help you to take off the clothes, which a mother reasonably and logically would've done for a child who couldn't get them off herself, and relied on her at a young age. The shower might have been symbolic too. Something to do with not being allowed to feel "clean" or like a good girl.
I just want to say, I am so sorry for your pain as a child and daughter, and I can relate very strongly to a lot of your feelings and pain. You didn't deserve the pain. You deserve better and to be nurtured, loved, and cherished.

Love,

Harmony:)

[Emms]

Harmony, you talk a lot of sense. My mother was my main abuser, she was a liar and a manipulator and lied to cover up the other abuse I was getting, the sexual kind from my grandfather and later from one of her lovers. She both physically and emotionally abused me, yet appeared to be totally overprotective with me and bought me loads of clothes and toys when she could. She also over fed me and would make me drink salt water so's I'd be sick and she could tell ppl I was ill. There was a lot of emotional abuse too and when I was 17 she slept with my boyfriend and he actually moved in with us. All with my father's knowledge too. He was just too weak and obsessed with her. So there's a lot I can can relate too about you too, it's as if we all have something in common on this forum. We all know the pain of some kind of abuse and how hard it is to get away from it.

My story is one hell of a long one. I wrote a lot of it down on the thread called One Survivors Story on the Telling our Story board if you want to have a look some time. But I've come to realize my mother was a victim too, her parents were totally crazy and I was lucky to eventually get away from them. Trouble is, I've carried the legacy they left me with all my life. Things are better than they used to be but there'll never be a complete cure. Still, we do the best we can.

[shafroggy]

Thanks for the advice Harmony. I was just having a bad day. I woke up that morning after another dream and was unable to shake it off and continue my day normally. I don't have too many of those days. Your advice will help the next time the memories come or the dreams.

[Harmony]

Shafroggy,
Glad to be of help:)
Thanks for the reply.

Harmony

[Stephen1968]

Hi every one I need some help from some of yal that have been going through this crap fo a while.I recently started dealing with my past.I'm 41 on the out side but feel 10 inside.I need to know how to deal and how to open up with my wife about things.So she can understand.Please e-mail me with some answers.I find it very difficult to navigate this web site to get my answers.I posted this about a week and a half ago and didnt even get 1 email to help me.Some one please please help.

[acb1971]

I was having severe anxiety and panic attacks.
My employer has an employee assistance program. Lots of places do. It was a half hour phone call, and a referral to a psycholgist (paid for by the EAP)
My Dr.s orders?
1. Journal- write things down. I personally have a blog.
2. Breathing exercises
3. Daily physical exercise (swimming is incredible) to try and get rid of the stress hormone, cortisol. Going for a walk, bike ride etc.
4. Yoga (a soft form like Hatha, or nidra, or Anahata- there are good ones online for free is $ an issue)
5. Daily exposure to sunshine.
6. Connect with others. Talk about it, or not. just don't withdraw.
These can be combined. Swimming is meditation, and breathing exercises, and exercise. Going to a yoga class fulfills the breathing and connecting.
I have to see the psychologist once a week, and have to see a psychiatrist, but I have been following orders to a T and, things are on the upswing.

[littlebird]

Doreen B,
I'm new here and just read your post...was drawn to it by your question. Where [i]is the help? I've found myself feeling this way a lot, ever since I realized I was in real trouble with my life and started looking for help. As I read your words: "I have no friends as i don't trust anyone" I was crying; that's me in a nutshell. I surround myself with my animals and though I love them deeply and am grateful for their company I ache and ache to be able to feel close to another human being. It feels as though my "trusting bone" has been shattered irreversibly, and I shall die--as I have lived--utterly alone. The secrets and the walls of shame keep me isolated even when I’m in the presence of those who love me.

It's true that most of the time if you try to talk to someone about what happened they won't know how to relate and will disappoint you or worse, say something that can cut to the bone through sheer ignorance of what it is like to be someone who has gone through what we have. They may be well-meaning but they have no idea what they’re talking about!! It's almost like being a vet. People may know that you went through a war but the only other people who will really be able to validate your feelings and experiences are other vets. We're like the invisible veterans from invisible wars. Wars that played out on the landscapes of our childhoods, that made casualties of us when we were supposed to be growing and learning how to love ourselves and relate to others. Instead we became child soldiers—because we had to survive. Other survivors understand this, most therapists understand this, and true friends of survivors work to try and understand this.

I too don’t feel like I can go on much longer…but I’ve been feeling this way for a pretty long time now, so I guess it might just be a feeling. My unresolved issues have made a complete wreck of my life and now that I’m 31 I’ve managed to destroy my career, my finances, my health and my relationships. I have done an amazing amount of self sabotaging in a short 10 years. Sometimes I’m pretty sure that any day now I’ll be dropping dead from a heart attack; I know it seems silly, but I don’t know how my body is managing to keep going anymore. And where is the help? I don’t have health insurance, so I just started seeing someone at the county services here in town. It’s free because I’m unemployed, can’t work because of my health. I haven’t been truthful with her about my past. Tomorrow I’m going to come clean and tell her that yes, there’s a history of abuse there and yes, I want to do something about it because I am so miserable, and I know that suicide is not an option but I think about it all the time and it’s so bad that I cry for hours daily, cry so hard that I sweat. And it’s gotten to the point where the things that I’m afraid of far outweigh the things that I’m not. This is ridiculous there are so many things I can’t do that I’m stuck in my tiny apartment—a shut in at 31.

Doreen B you should be able to see a therapist through your county for a sliding fee scale. Sometimes it’s only 5-10 dollars a visit. It’s helpful if you let them know just how bad you’re feeling. If they can see you’re in trouble, and that you have no money, they should find a way to help you. Look in your phone book under the county services you should see a number for mental health but if not just pick a department, tell them you’re looking for the mental health services, and they should be able to redirect you. Having a therapist to meet with regularly can be so helpful—even if it just gives you a safe place to talk about stuff. Usually, therapists will have information on adult survivor support groups you can join, books you can read, and connections to other professionals who might be helpful. It’s a good starting place. And I hope both you, and I, can find a support group in our respective towns…I’ve been wanting to join one for years. I’m not a religious person either and definitely don’t feel safe in churches (some of the abuse happened there), but would like to someday meet face to face with others who have been through this; to hear their stories of disaster and triumph, and to see with my own eyes that I am not alone. This forum can be a place like that (without the face-to-face) if we make it so. Let this space comfort you as much as it can. Check out isurvive as well.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are in the company of many fellow wounded souls, people suffering through the worst kind of emotional traumas imaginable. Suffering AND getting up again for one more day of suffering—all sharing the same hope—that eventually, if we continue to put one foot in front of the other in the darkness, we will reach that tiny light on the other side. They may not be with you physically right now, but they’re here on this same planet where we have all experienced so much pain. And many have great insight, advice, and encouraging words. Just reading your post and writing my reply brought me from a place of tears to a place of calm. Thank you, and feel free to message me if you want to talk.

[jvinok70]

We are not alone. It may feel like we are alone, but there are so many of us (survivors), we are not alone.

I remember when suicide was a constant thought in my mind. Right now I am not there because things are going alright.... but all it takes is just one thing to go wrong.

I've read a lot of posts and know all about the dark places, fears, self mutilation, self-sabotage, and lonliness.

I have been to some group counselling, but have never felt comfortable in the setting. Does anyone REALLY want to listen??? It always seems people are so caught up in themselves, that they don't really listen to you after 5 minutes. Maybe it's just me. I am always the one listening and never the one heard.
I have been to psychiatrists and psychologists and been told I was Bi-polar with borderline personality disorder.... not looking for a diagnosis, looking for a cure. I know that depression drugs do not work and counselling (for me) hasn't helped at all, it's not worth the money.
So, I drink myself to oblivion when I have a bad day instead of being on the drugs that don't even allow me to feel content.
I don't want to be a zombie, and I don't want to be maniac with what feels like Satan living inside of me...... I want to be happy, I want to be a good person..... I want to be the me that was taken away so long ago.

I am trying to focus on the positives in my life, because I have so many.... from a house to a good job. It's hard to do, but I work on it. I really think that only I have the power to beat this. Of course, help from people that actually "get" how I feel is always welcomed.... I think the power to live only comes from within.

[Emms]

I think a few really do want to listen, but not that many. There's too much diagnosis going on cos you're right, we look for help and cures, not a diagnosis. In hte end you're also right that the only person who can really help us is ourselves. It's so hard but, with a little help from others, the person who has to do most of the work when it comes to healing, is YOU! No one can wave a magic wand, nothing can take away that past, but we can learn to live with it and be at peace with the present. And I 'get' how you feel, very much so.

[jvinok70]

[b]A letter to the one that loves me:[/b]

Hardworking, Happy, Intelligent, Outgoing, and Capable.

This is what you signed up for.

Comedic, Strong, Independent, Talented, and Nurturing.

This is what you signed up for.

There are many good things about me that you saw, things that I am…. Parts that make up ME.

You love these parts of me.


Depressed, Shallow, Tormented, Uneasy, and Rigid.

This is not what you signed up for.

Angry, Self-Loathing, Afraid, Conniving, and Secretive.

This is not what you signed up for.

There are many awful things about me that you did not see until making a commitment to me, things that I am…. Parts that make up ME.

Can you love THESE parts of me?

I may not have black outs and loose time…. But I am still, definitely, more than one person.

Sometimes likeable, sometimes not so much.

Looking more into me and what I ask of people that love me…. I realize that you fell for me under false pretenses.

I did not let you know how broken I was.

I’m sorry for that, I can only hope that the good outweighs the bad…. and that you can stay with me through the darkness as I fight so hard to find the light.