[littleb]

i am trying to figure out that same thing boatguy....i kno i have them, i know their bad (the crusty tear trail from my face to my pillow says that much for sure) but i can't remember them. I've been trying to, even keeping something to write with on my night stand, but its like the instant i wake up everything is gone. i forget it all immediately.

I haven't slept walked in days now...or atleast i dont think so, so thats nice.

But, lately, i keep having these instances of memories that come back to me too, just at random, and sometimes their good n somtimes they're bad, but i also have a hard time hanging onto the memories. Its like its comes back to me, but the moment i get even slighlty distracted i lose it again. Like yesteday i had a very vivid memory of my grandma, and i wrote it down just cuz it was SO VIVID, and it was actually one that made me feel good. anyways it was about my grandpa sneaking chocolate behind my grandma's back. I remember he wasn't supposed to have it, something to do with his health, blood pressure or something, but she could and my grandma looooves chocolate so she'd rub it in, poke fun at him, that she could have it n he couldn't but anyways.... the memory was just of her kissing him when he came home from work, and she said "you've been eating chocolate, i can taste it!" and he said "nuuuh uuuuh" giving her his big I'm-innocent look, n she said "you had peanut m&m's you little sneak! I can taste it!" and she laughed as she was scolding him. He said "oooh ...ur good!" and laughed back And the whole time she had her arms locked around his neck, and they were both smiling

I cant explain it the way it felt, it was just different.

The memory, came while i was deleting viruses off this guys computer...totally unrelated to anything i was dealing with, WAY out of the blue...i jotted it down anyways, but.... i dunno it was weird. Just how it came back to me the way it did, i dunno, it was weird. I've had a few bad memories come back like that too lately, but i can't hold on to them for long either...weird huh?

[Emms]

Our minds are strange things, littleb. Don't think anyone will ever work out why these things come back to us when they do and why we dream what we dream. I don't think even the cleaverest ppl know what dreams really are.

[jamerson_37@msn.com]

I get dreams like that too, where my mom is still kind of like controlling me even though were not really in close contact at all. She always like to argue with me about something, or dosent get something so simple about me that everyone eles seems to get no problem. So I get those controlling dreams too and wake up and is relieved too its just a dream.

[boatguy]

I'll sometimes wake up, and its like I see the dream draining away, like sand down an hourglass, but retain none of it, just the vision of it leaving. But don't know if they were good or bad. But I don't remember ever being much of a dreamer, even as a kid. Seeing things in my minds eye, thats a diferent story, and just imagination I think.

[Emms]

Perhaps we're all different in the way we dream. I know what you mean about the memory of your dream drifting away and not being able to retrieve it, that also happens to me at times but it doesn't bother me. I also wonder if ppl who can use their imagination well when they're awake don't need to dream so much, who knows? I can do the whole fantasy thing, imagining things and seeing them with my minds eye, but I can control that and there's only certain times when you can do it, you have to be alone to start with. Sleep dreams are different, we can't control those. Still, it's amazing how focussed we can become on our own thoughts. There's times when I've been so absorbed in my thoughts/dreams/fantasies that someone in the room has to shout at me before I hear them. We all do that though, from time to time. I've seen others do it loads of times so I know it's not uncommon. I've had to wave in my husband's face at times and shout 'Er ..... Hello'.

[littleb]

That happens to me A LOT, and if i try really hard i can remember a piece of the dream, but not all of it.

Like this morning, I woke up n i KNEW i had a weird dream but the only part i could remember was that I had a monkey key chain, and that the monkey turned into a real monkey and the key chain part turned into a leash, and all the sudden I had a pet monkey, and it was my pet, like I had rasied it from birth or something.....was weird. And I know thats not what the dream was about....but its the only part i can remember of it.

I used to have terrible dreams, I almost hated going to bed as a kid cuz of some of the things i'd dream about, and i used to have BAD reoccuring dreams, i'd get over one n then start another, n every night... sucks. Lol im sure its best i dont remember them now

I do the whole fantasizing thing too, and it doesnt bother me, except sometimes I do it without daydreaming/fantasizing/thinking...its like someone pulls a blanket over my mind and there's just nothing. And I can still function, but when i snap out of it, Ive found I've lost time, I dont know what i did or if i did anything. I end up losing things cuz i put them places when im in that state n i dont remember putting them there or ever touching them and that part bothers me a bit. Its like im in a trance or something, just physically here n nothing else. Is that normal, anyone else do that?

[Emms]

I can't say I get that but it sounds like a kind of displacement identity thing, like drifting into another world when you can't cope with this one. Don't know enough about it to really comment but apparently, I've heard that if you've had some kind of trauma it's quite common and not at all abnormal. I've heard and read that sometimes we can go off somewhere else in our heads when we're badly traumatised but it's not meantal illness so doesn't mean we're crazy. Doesn't sound like you have a major problem with it but try and google Disassociative Identity Disorder.

The only time I tend to lose time is when I have one of my minor epileptic seizures. I know when I've had one but don't remember what happened during the seizure. I've been told I always do the same things, say the same things and behave in the same way for a few moments, then come back to normal. But that's something different and it picks up on an EEG, the other stuff doesn't but your readings are different when you're awake to when you're sleeping and they chagen again when you dream in your sleep but not when you daydream. All strange.

[littleb]

you kno i looked that up before some time ago n completely forgot bout it. I think i even posted about it now that i think about it. It does sound a lot like that, I remember now thats why I wanted to go seek professional help, to see if i could get some kind of diagnosis on whether it was or was not (or to what extent) n was debating on how to tell my man that n then i got pregnant....lol then ya.... forgot all about it.

Hmmm, well, atleast its not so scary sounding this time around. The first time i read up on it i cried...lol was pretty upsest over thinking I "might" have it, but it dont seem so bad now, i read a article from WebMD about, and u know, it certainly doesnt sounds "good" but it doesnt sound that bad either ... im not crazy or nothing even *if* i do have it, its just a disorder (treatable, but life long apparently) not an illness.


Crappiest part now is that brings back up the whole "how do i tell my man that??" issue....oh well, i am talking to him a bit easier now than i was then, a lot easier now actually (in comparison anyways), just gotta find a way to make it not so scary sounding to him, then figure out how to get a diagnosis/treatment...

hmmm...could be worse tho, certainly could be worse. am not going to stress on it right now (is a good friday) :-) but ya...thanks for point me back in that direction, cant believe i forgot bout all that!

[Emms]

I think it's the words that scare ppl and the fact that the articles about these disorders always come under the headings of meantal health and areas like that. I had never heard of this disorder til I went to the meeting of our local sexual abuse forum, where I was asked to go onto their committee but recently resigned cos I had too much other stuff going on. But it was there where I met a lady who has this disorder, much worse than it seems you do, and she's really ok and getting on with her life.

Sometimes I think that it's better not to use all the words that ppl don't understand. Just to say that you feel the need to see a doc about these strange feelings you have and gradually tell your man, bit by bit as time goes on and make sure he's familliar with the words and what they actually mean, you don't sound like some looney toon to him then. It scared me too when I read about certain things and the way they go on about personality dosorders and things, yet once you get into it that's not so scary or hard to understand and certainly doesn't mean your're crazy. What we all are here is DAMAGED, that's all. And teh damage can be repaired, we've already repaired a lot of it so we just go on and on. You're young yet, littleb, you've a long way to go but you'll get there.

[littleb]

You always make me feel so reassured, ur like the mom i always wanted emms! Lol...did i mention how much i missed u when u were away?? ;-)

Yea, damaged isn't that bad, well..its not good, but it could always be worse. nothing that we can't fix huh? I think im just happy that I'm realizing this stuff now, instead of later on when its too late...keep thinking about my dad, n how far gone he's been and how alone he is now because of it...i dont want to be like that, n i think knowing what i know now, i wont be. (god i hope not)

I def think I'll do what you said, not use those big scary you-sound-crazy words....just a simple "im not feel well, some strange feelings, gonna see a dr about it" thats WAY less intimidating than "i think my childhood traumatized me n now i think i may have dissasociative identity disorder".

Still, I know its gonna take me a min to work up the courage to say that much. It is hard for me to actually talk about this, typing it isn't so bad, but actually saying it is a lot harder for me....lol if i could only speak the way i type (I'd never stop talking with the way i write these posts lol)

Well.... thats a good bit for me to chew on. I g2g for now, but will try to be on later...thank u for being there for me, as always :-)

[Emms]

Don't know if you realize it, littleb, but you help me too when you say things like that. You make me feel I'm not so worthless at times. Believe me, I'm far from over it, never will be but I'm a hell of a lot better than I was and I'm old now lol. Seems strange that I was a married woman with half grown up kids of my own before I even started dealing with all this. But remember that it's not me who does it for you, I just make the right noises sometimes, it's YOU who'll get yourself healed in the end, like all of us. You won't end up like your dad, I'd like to bet on it.

[littleb]

thanks emms, it means a lot. I'm glad i help you too. :-)

Prolly my only post today, prolly, I've got a lot to do. Was in a car accident this weekend...fun stuff...my car not that bad but the other car is totaled n it was my fault, so am going to have to pay for it. I know the guy that I hit too, to make matters worse, he is also out of a job with 4 kids and injured....so I feel twice as bad, cuz i know the guy n know he didn't need this right now either. Conscious has been eating me up over it all weekend, keep having dreams of cars (or involving cars) being destroyed.

Oh well huh? Just got to get up n get on with it. Am sure I'll figure it out somehow... just feel soooooooooooo STUPID cuz the car was PARKED!!! I hit a parked car! A parked car of someone I knew who's also in just as bad a spot as I am.......LUCKY...

Lol on a good note tho, no one was hurt, n both cars are still driveable, so, we'll both be able to make it to n from work until i can get my insurance stuff all worked out...there's another good note, atleast I have insurance cuz otherwise I'd be paying a LOT more than my 500 dollar deductible... A LOT! so.... thats good.

Ahhh, so, that's my soap opera drama for the weekend, otherwise i behaved myself pretty well...got trashed after I hit that car, but it was by request of the guy who's car I hit, n him, our room mates, my hubby n I all got trashed together...so I don't feel that bad about it. Social drinking...a bit extreme but still social Lol. Otherwise, stayed sober, yelled at the football game saturday and sunday...both my teams lost (awwww isn't THAT just the saddest thing you ever heard? lol) made some of the BEST baked chicken I've ever had... am pretty proud of that. but then made some of the WORST rice pilaf I've ever had too LOL so....it was edible but not enjoyable by any means. Otherwise, am healthy, n trying to stay n good spirits cuz...its not going to do me any good to feel bad about what all happened. Remarkably, am in a good mood today.

Maybe will be on later to post more, hopefully it will be along the lines of "I've got it all taken care of, YAY!" lol...but we'll see. ttys

[Emms]

Yeah, it never seems so bad when you get trashed with someone else. It was my hubby's fault when our car was smashed and we were the ones who came off worse cos we had to get a new one, the insurnance said it would cost more to put it right than to get it fixed. It's always the same though, we could do without these things happening.

[DonnaC]

[size=18][/size] boy do I relate to night terrors...the thing with mine is they continued through out my life of now 64 yrs...I find that they are related to memories that I chose not to remember till now...Come to find out it is related to PTSD of which I have had my whole life and did not know....I have been in Thearphy for 20 yrs now and am begining to get in touch with the memories that were directly related to my childhood...I am integrateing these memories and owning them..although itm has been painful my higher power is helping me through the memories the same as he did through my childhood..DonnaC

[DonnaC]

Hi my name is DonnaC I am 64 yrs. old. I am disabled with a form of MD called ( Charcote Marie Tooth ) Deaise...it is in the genes...out of six of us kids there are four who have so far shown signs of it...I am in a wheelchair and live alone.I have a lot of physical problems,,but none compare to the emotional pain I carry from childhood...

through most of my childhood I did not remember much of my life....there were big blank spots....I was the youngest in the family and unlike most ( baby of the family)... i took care of eeryone...I always said I was born old....My mother was an alcoholic/ addic...she stayed in bed almost all the time and never ate food...handfulls of barbituits and washed them down with sweet wine ( smell was horrible)....I took care of her...

There was three boys and three girls....my two sisters got married very young one 14 and one 15...there was lotsa garbage going on in a chicken coope that was called our play house..from the time I was too young too remember I was being (raped) by older bro...he was very voilent and seemed very happy to hurt me....

My dad was also a drinker but not like mom...he worked and supported the family as best he could.... but he was a man to be feared...he would go into rages...and I being the baby was His lil girl....it was always up to me to controle Him....even though I was afarid of him I had to know what He was going to do before He knew...It was always my fault if He went off the deep end and beat someone or scream ...or through furniture or something....I always knew just what to do to keep him from hurting someone... ( or so I thought).. He was all I had...

All for now more later....DonnaC