[Time to Heal]

Mother's Day??? Hmmmm? I really don't like this "holiday". I hate that on days like this I have to pretend to be a caring daughter. My Mom expects her gift and her dinner and all that other crap if she don't get it its a living hell.

You know how hard it is to find a Halmark card that says "happy mother's day Mom thanks for fuc***g up my life"? Gee I think I posted something just like this last year didn't I? I guess somethings never change. Sorry for the repeat post. LOL! It's just this time of year makes me feel like crap!

I'm just so irritated with her. Everyone thinks she's the perfect helpful Mother who I treat like shit! If they only knew it was the other way around.
I was so close to telling my sister today about all the stuff our mom did to me but for some reason I just couldn't do it. Why am I afraid that I'm gonna make my sister hate her? For all she's done I shouldn't care at all.

Why is life so confusing?? Gesh!

[Emms]

I know so what you mean, time to heal. It irritates the hell out of me too. We have mothers day over here on the third Sunday in every March, and I feel just like you. Sometimes I get really depressed for a while thinking about it. I don't begrudge others having a mother they loved and who loved them, but I do feel a bit jealous from time to time and the other day, while walking my dog, I began sharing the walk with a group of others and we were going through the usual chit chat. One lady mentioned she liked my boots, I told her I bought them 3 years ago and that my mother had a pair too that she never wore. A man asked my why she never wore them and I said that she didn't leave the house for 20 years, the time between my dad's death and her own. Then another man jokingly said 'well, you mean you never took you mother out? Naughty girl'. I felt really angry but I didn't show it. I laughed too but I did make it clear that we'd tried to get her to go out but she refused and if anything was arranged for her to go out, she would always pretend she was ill so she didn't have to go. Then the same man said his mother-in-law was like that too, they could never get her to leave the house.

After that we simply drifted onto another subject but you know, I really wanted to shout out that 'WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I HAVE TAKEN THAT BITCH OUT ANYWAY!' Of course, I can't do that, but I so want to tell ppl at times like that. Even my daughter didn't understand why I wasn't upset when the old bat died. I was finally free of her and still to this day I hope she's rotting in hell somewhere. That's the damage she did to me I guess. I can't forgive her, there was way too much. Others remember a kind old lady, though they do know she was a liar and that she spent all my dad's money on rubbish and on the neighbors. Some also know she was obsessed with sex and had many men during her marriage. But no one else remembers her beating me, her laughing at me, spitting in my face, telling me I was useless, ugly, that no one would ever love me and that it didn't matter how hard I tried, I would never beat her. No one else saw her admiring herself in the mirror, setting me up and pretending I'd done something such as killing hte pet dog because she didn't want it anymore, all the things she blamed me for, all the lies she told about me. The way she cleaned me up after that rape and even then refused to acccept that it wasn't my fault. She physically attacked me many times and as I grew older she would purposely wind me up to get me mad so I'd lose it and then she could make marks on herself or smash things and say I'd done them. When I was small I remember her making me drink salt water and take laxatives to make me ill so she'd get the attention as SHE was always the one to make me better again. I also remember the beating she gave me and the names she called me when I tried to tell her my granddad was abusing me sexually. I could go on and on but she even lied about me when I was a married woman and I'm only learning now just how many nasty things she said about me, yet those she said these things to still seem to think it was funny. Sorry, but I don't see the funny side of it.

Sorry about the rant, I needed that. Ahh, I feel better now lol.

[Seaside]

why do our families blame us for it? why are we the black sheep? the ones who messed up and broke the family? why am I such a failure for not dealing with the abuse perfectly?

[DianaJoy]

In a lot of our families, someone felt better if they could blame us. Victim blaming lets the perpetrator pretend to be right and righteous.

No one deals with abuse perfectly, because there is no "perfect" response to abuse. We're all working on our recovery as best we can with the resources we have. The point is the work, not some unatainable concept of "perfect". And posting here is part of the work :)

[Emms]

That's so true, many abusive ppl will try to turn things around so the victim get the blame, it's probably beause the abuser couldn't face what she/he had done so they kind of turn it around so they look like the victim. As for other members of the family, most ppl don't want to believe that the person they love has abused their children or anyone's children, for that matter. So they go alone with the charade and blame the child. Sadly, that seems to be a part of human nature. Also, many abuser are so manilupative and have so much control over the ppl in their lives that they can get them to believe anything. Abusers choose their partners carefully, they often choose someone they know they can control and who will believe anything they tell them.

[Glider39]

Emms, that is so true. That is what happened to me. In fact, my younger sister came to me and told me that my mom's boyfriend molested her. She confided in me about this the very next day after the abuse happened. I immediately called the police to file a report. I was 14/15years old and my sister was 12. Our mother, was mad with me for calling the police on her boyfriend. I was very supportive of my sister, even making arrangements to get her into counseling. After the abuse, my sister was very suicidal, depressed and withdrawn. Of course, my mom's boyfriend denied the abuse and my mother stuck with him. At the court date, my mom showed up to support her boyfriend, leaving my sister to prove that she was telling the truth. He ended up pleading guilty to the abuse in order to be given a lesser charge. After the court date, my sister was admitted to a behavioral health institute because she had attempted to kill herself.

My mother's lack of support/loyalty drastically changed my sister's life. Even when my abuse was later revealed to her, she denied it ever even happening. She insisted i was lying about it. But i always wondered why families make the victims feel like they are the ones that did something wrong. When in fact, they failed us.

[Seaside]

I just don't understand how we are the ones who were wrong. I do remember distinctly thinking that when I was eight, that it was my fault, that I must be a bad person. But I was eight. And I don't think that anymore. I was just told recently by a family member to 'get over it' and that she was sick of my playing the 'poor me' card. Which in itself is funny cuz she knew nothing about it until six or so years ago and I've never mentioned it since- because I don't want it to define me. But she was never abused so who is she to tell me what to think or feel about the matter?

[Emms]

We never were the ones doing anything wrong, but tell someone something for long enough and we begin to believe it. It took me a long time to realize things were not my fault. I have to take responsibility for some of the things I've done in my adult life, some of the things I've messed up, but although they were my doing and I must take some responsibility for them, the reason I behaved that way wasn't my fault either. Took me years to accept that.

[sunshinegirl]

It seems to me quite pwerful that having an outward appearance of happy families can cause do much damage in the process of keeping up appearances. I think that the system of abuse where I came from was maintained by this need to appear like a family that was really shining. I don't know how though because my grandmahad two children that were illegitimate after she was widowed. I mean in the 60's that was definitely not a sign of a good family. But there is a certain reputation and appearance that goes into shaping each family members behaviour in order to maintain a perceived sense of normality for the individual and the familiy unit. God I just read what I wrote it sounds so rubbishy.

I just want to write something about my feelings towards this topic. But I have got angry at them, imagined the the amount of fear that was driving each family member and how that worked in the family dynamic and how that shaped my abuse history. I have already made that understandable and rationalised it for myself.
My mother was a young 19 when I born and she told me that she couldn't care for me properly, working and caring for me meant that she couldnt care for me so she gave me to my grandmother for care. And that was more diaster because i was left alone with other children when my grandmother worked. My grandfather had died when my mother was young and I had no father around either so all the women worked to provide for the children. My nana and mother worked. My religious aunty was young 15 or 16, her brother was 16 or17 and my other aunty was 9. well being left alone with my uncle and younger aunty was a bad idea. I was tortured by other children and my aunty, I was tied to a bed and raped by my uncle. It was a childhood game that had gone wrong. alot of other things happened along the way of my childhood and life that would make a sailor swoon, but as a preschooler, the rape, torture, tied up thing was something that severely affected me. I have suffered thats for sure. I have been taking an inventory of how I suffered, reality checking between what is a respectful way to be treated as an adult, teenager and child and how I have been treated. I have also been looking at ways to correct my behaviour because things I do I have no other conception of being another way. I mean instead of feeling angry I would just yell and scream and become very agitated panting like an enraged bull even.

Alot of happy families syndrome contributed to shaping my behaviour. Well for starters I know that my religious aunty found meafter the rape and torture games (oh what fun!) and untied me cleaned me up and told me that I had been a dirty girl while she cleaned my genital area. I know that she told my grandmother and that my mother must of known what happened and they feel guiltly as fuck but did nothing about it. I see photos of myself and I looked constantly scared and unhappy. I used to hate how people would say if you frown like that the wind will change and it will stay that way. I would think fuck off.
And they didn't say anything to anyone. I know that they know because when I started to recall, I confronted them and they confirmed what happened before they shut down and denied it.
My grandmother said that she was sorry that I felt unsafe, but she could never go near the topic properly, she played the old lady card. She is the biggest queen of denial. I screamed abuse at her called her a funcking old bag and why did she do nothing etc. I was so upset when she had said, after I told her about the memories and asked her what happened, oh they were childrens games, no harm done. I tried to maintain a relationship with her after my outburst too. I did a mass apology for the yelling, I mean I don't like yelling at people but it jsut kinda slipped out in that moment. But I couldn't talk to her anymore. I told her that I didn't know why I was ringing her but my religious aunty had said to but I told her that I was really sorry but I just couldn't talk to her, I just didn't know what to say to her. I was too hurt. I still am. Lately, the other aunty has laid on the guilt trip about old lady dying soon and give her a ring, but I know that ringing her does me no good and I just am not interested in doing it. I have nothing to say to her. Its all been said. You know so I felt so guilty for being like this but I just have to be honest with them and true to myself. and the truth is that there is nothing to be said. I feel like its a rat trap awaiting me if I contact her. A guilt trap more like it and I don't need to feel guilty for what has happened to me, nor pity, nor that false talking rubbish about rubbish that I will have to role play through. so much of that how are you, good, good, did you do this, oh thats nice dear, thats nice dear. I mean if I can avoid meaningless conversations like this that are all for some sort of bullshit appearance then fuck that.. So I say goodbye to you nana.

When i revealed my abuse information to my religious aunty said that she did not accept what I was saying, and I tried to maintain a relationship with her because she and I were very close, but I just couldn't live this lie with her. It was like trying to ignore a huge purple elephant that was standing on both our toes. She said that she could talk to me if I didn't talk about children being hurt. Well that proved too much. You know when I look at her life I wonder how much of that experience with me influenced her. She is so into children and keeping them safe and protecting them. The ones that are the most needy, ill and starving and living in poverty are the most attractive to her. She had never had children of her own, not sure why, and she had just got married and adopted a couple of children from a thrid world situation. My parting words to her were to listen to her children and if they say something that she didn't want to hear to listen even more closely because it is the most important thing for the child to be listened to and heard. I was referring more to myself as a child and how she didn't stop cleaning me and telling me off after the rape for being dirty and I was screaming at her in pain to stop cleaning my genitals but she didn't stop she just didn't stop she got more vigorous it was like I being raped all over again. I didn't really trust her after that. I was like a wary animal around her and she would really go out of her way to do the right thing for me, but she would never listen to what was right for me. So she would continue doing what she decided what was right and not listen to me at all. I have had some odd adventures with her thats for sure. So even though my parting comment was for my childs benefit, it fit the task of benefiting her children too. I hope she heard. I think that when she did things that were not in my best interests and I would tell her that they were not, that she didn't hear, and continued like a bulldozer running amok all over me even at my protests. I think that was abuse of some kind. I mean she would be very threatening to me if I didn't behave in a certain way.

Well thats only half the family gone. but is has only been 2010 that I have come to terms with letting my mother go too. That was alot harder than the others, but each time she got angry at me, when I was feeling hurt and vunerable, I finally new that it was time and that I was doing the right thing with her. Its funny now because if I separate myself from my current partner, whose behaviour is mirroring my mothers, then I will have no more abuse in mylife and I will be able to choose who I let into my life. This idea is pretty new and amazing and hopeful to me. Im pretty sure that I have no one abusive in my life if I separate from the boyfriend?? Ill have to take an inventory to make sure. God I can't imagine what that will be like and how that will affect me. I hope my back pains go away and that I am less stressed.

[Hummingbird]

sunshinegirl, I am happy for you to hear that you've made so much progress separating from your abusers. Your story was very sad and touching, it just made me feel like you were so alienated from this family that should've been coming together to protect you, not coming together to harm you.

I think it's so crazy for so many families out there with a history of abuse to play the "happy family" game where they try to look so perfect on the outside when there's really nothing but perfect chaos on the inside. I think abusers try to isolate their victims so they don't look bad, and then we, the victims, absorb all of their shame that they had for themselves.

[sunshinegirl]

oh thanks h bird. thats a poignant point you make.

I like how you say that family come together to protect but in my case didn't. Thats a nice analogy to know that family is about protecting thought.

[eyches]

hi, im new here, i can relate wholly to many of the issues ive read here so far. the ones about pushing people away, the question of happy families, is it real, no one outside the "family" believing whats going on.
i have one friend who admits to childhood abuse and neither of us are even half way satisfied with "life." neither of us married and have kids. I cant imagine how anyone would be able to have kids with this sort of anxiety going on. IT completely disabled my fertility. neither of us have been able to solve the conundrums involved with the effects on life of childhood abuse. we;'e both 58 and 61 yrs old and are trying to get used to the idea of ending life wit h these feelings and assumptions still going on.

I was wondering lately, if there was research saying just how involved anxiety habituation has to do with continuing the trauma. I feel that i am becoming somewhat demented, not in a bad way that i would take it out on anyone, but in the way that i cam unable to completely change my thinking /feeling patterns. there are things that vaguely go thru my mind, the recurring thoughts, that i dont even know are there. yet i can "feel" them affecting me.
ok thats enough for now! thx

[sunshinegirl]

i don't know what is anxiety habituation is.. but I know that ptsd is an anxiety disorder. I am sure that abuse brings about strong feelings, overwhelming feelings for myself anyways....

I know that to resolve the puzzles and journey of abuse is something personal and for me it is hardwork.. I am sure there is anxiety habituation studies...

I don't know even what being demented is... but I relate to the recurring intrusive bloody thoughts.. I get really angry and overwhelmed with feelings alot too... its like I learnt that children get to develop emotional management strategies at certain ages but I know that at certain life stages there were too many other abuses prominent in my life at the time to be able to live life as a child and develop certain strategies that would help me to become more confident, or develop emotional regulations, ways of healthy safe social skills and all sorts of stuff with people, but instead I got to develop all these instinctual survival techniques because I was living in a f**king living hell. Only lately, I have been unpacking the past and found tht I might not be capable of changing my behaviour anymore and that saddens me and makes me feel angry and all the rest, lonely, sad angry, frustrated, afraid the gamut of emotions...

So I can kinda relate to idea tht things might not be resolved and I have to go to my grave accepting that or accepting that I can't accept that... But somehow I think that is what healing is about... and taking the healing journey is about changing, about opening the wounds, taking a risk, taking a chance on myself and making a change for myself and my life.. but then I get to a platform and I can see where I have been, and see where I could go and see that it is not over and more and more chasms seem to be opened up and need work here and there, and it seems to overwhelming ... its like a birth really and I have started and cannot stop till the baby is born, whenever that may be, but the thing is is that I have found in order to heal I know that I need this huge amount of faith (and I am not religious when I use this term and yet it is in a religious sense that I mean this term) to know change is possible and that I can do it.. but it all gets a bit too much sometimes and all I seem to develop is this deeper and deeper sense of caring and patience for myself and frailities...and thats better than nothing so if I can, at the end of my life, have developed a bit more of that then thats good enough for me. oh my I seem to have gone off the topic a bit...anyways take care...

[eyches]

anxiety habituation is when we hvae a long term habit of reacting with anxiety to any situation.
OTOH< what is normal? all i know is that im tired of being anxious. same token, there area plenty of reasons to be so.
im not on the self blame track anymore, grateful for that. that doesn't make any sense. I didn't decide to be whatever ways that child and spouse abuse made me. yet im surrounded by a conservative fundamentalist society that wants me to feel the blame, and guilt, and shame. I dont accept that.
i totaly hear you when you describe the learning to live instinctual survival techniques. i call it amygdala reactions cause thats the primitive part of the brain.
when I get into the flight/fright/freeze reaction patterns also part of the instinctual survival stuff, its' hard for me to settle down the adrenalin. upset of the adrenalin/cortisol reactions upset everything else. I in the u.s. live in a society which glorifies adrenalin producing activity and that's is not good fo r me. avoiding it is hard. Or, its the illusion'/fantasy producing stuff like war glory, romance that lasts forever, etc etc. I dont get along with that either. i dont find any of thos e exciting or life promoting at all. in fact, i dont consider most of life to be life enhancing at all. its hard for me to find others who agree.
there is far more mental illness "out there" than people know . its important that victims speak truth to power always and dont' self blame.

[sunshinegirl]

oh right thanks for explaining that... I understand now.

I don't understand the OTOH though some sort of text speak thats beyond me....whoopsy missed the boat on that one.

I have a fear response to certain things I find those responses annoying, the ones that seem to be redundant they've lost their use for me it seems. I am so pleased I feel that if you are not into self blame anymore then thats something I can work through too. God it sucks. Nothing I do makes any sense for me I gotta admit.

thanks