[Emms]

If someone loves you, they love the whole of you, they might not like the other parts of you, but that doesn't mean they don't love you, warts and all.

[jvinok70]

I so hope that is true. It is nice to feel loved. Even if I still can manage it myself. It seems unfair to the one that loves you.

I have sabotaged almost every relationship I've had. It's been 7 years in this current one and I am trying not to fail again.

I've never been able to be with another man since childhood. I am with a woman, and she tries to understand. It doesn't work, but at least she is trying, I have to give her credit for that.

[rachelair]

I am new today to the forum and wanted to say hi.
I had another of my nightmares last night about the past and could not face a day at work so I called in sick. I think today has been a turning point for me because I want to take steps to heal. I am completely scared at the idea but sitting here and hearing other peoples stories and knowing that I am not alone has been a real comfort.
I have been so angry about the whole thing lately, but I wonder if it is wrong that the person I am most angry with is my mother because she did not listen and did not protect me and not angriest with the child molester, a family friend. My father is an alcoholic and she was dealing with him and the abusive marriage. We were physically and verbally abused by our father and I feel sad that I didn't have the kind of upbringing that some of my friends and my partner had.
I suffer from depression and panic attacks and it is affecting my relationship with my partner and my children. I have been to scared to tell my partner about my childhood for fears of judgment.
I would like to talk to my mother about how her not listening to me has made me so angry but I know that she was dealing with so much herself.
Anyway I am going to do the steps and see where they lead, I am thankful that there is somewhere like this to post my thoughts.

[Emms]

Hello and welcome to the site. Hope it can be of some help to you.

Sorry I'm not posting much lately, been on a bit of a downer so don't think I'll be much help to anyone at the moment. Guess we all feel like this at times.

[stepper]

I am having problems with denial and I could use some help.
I am new to remembering abuse and working through the manual. Maybe I should rephrase, I am new to accepting that my memories may be valid. I have had body memories for as long as I can remember and felt intuitively that I might have been abused however it was my sister who was abused and had a lot of emotional abuse from my father, so somehow I never felt like I was part of it. I was my father's favorite, his daddy's girl.

I think that has has made it very hard to accept that I was also abused. No concrete memories which I hate. My first indication was that in therapy, for other issues, when we would get to any really deep work, I would dissociate and in this state I would say really bizarre stuff like " I'm trying to be quiet, I'm not allowed to talk, I'm just waiting" and it would be for the terror I was feeling and the body memories to subside. None of these words seemed to be coming out of me. At that point in therapy I was normally pretty guarded with the therapist so you can image how shocked I was to be saying these things that I didn't even know I was feeling. I actually quit the therapist thinking she was putting the thoughts in my head, but from that point on these thoughts would reoccur and I started having very disturbing sexual dreams and flashbacks. I ended up seeking new therapy.

Anyway, I am in therapy now again and we are going at a much gentler pace which I find infuriating but my therapist felt that with the other therapist things were going too fast for my comfort level. Also now that we are talking about sexual issues the dissociation has gotten more pronounced to the point of I feel I may pass out.

Through very slow work, I have accepted the abuse although I have no clear cognitive memory. I do have strong indicators: My sister was molested, my best friend from childhood admits she was molested by my father, my father fondled my daughter and other neighborhood children when they were around 5 or 6 years old and when I was a young adult, my father made several sexual passes and sexual comments to me that I do remember. I wrote a list of things I definitely remember and also all the things that are unsure. The definite column was about 4x longer than the unsure and yet still I have difficulty with denial.

I am in another 12 step program for families of alcoholics. I have looked but there are no Survivor meetings in my area, so I am here. I am working on step two and struggling with this denial. How can I move forward if I can't get past one and two??? Why do I keep denying what is directly in front of me when truly I want to move forward and through all this stuff. It is infuriating. I think I struggle more with denial that with the abuse it's self. or at least it feels that way.

I am wondering if there are sponsors in this program? Is there any daily readings? I need some help. I really need to feel like I have someone who has been there before me and can help me keep my feet grounded during this journey of recovery.

I sponsor people in the other program and now first hand of the rewards of doing personal work. I am ready I just can't seem to do this alone.

Anyone?

[stepper]

By the way, sorry for posting in someone else's thread. I just can't figure out the posting rights here and I really feel quite desperate to be heard so I just thought I would try here.

[innocent]

Welcome Stepper.

You can post wherever you want.

[Guest]

There is a lot of pain in this room. Hoping we can all work together to help each other out. I've tried for years on my own and thought the past was over and gone with, but then Mr. post-traumatic stress pops into my life and all the feelings come back and then some. I'm about ready to lose everything because I can't get a handle on things. Any help or suggestions, support groups in my area..just having a few friends on here would be wonderful. Thanks

Angie

[innocent]

Hi Angie, Welcome to the site. I hope it will help you.
I had the relief of suffering after I had found this website.
Sharing our thoughts, feelings definitely helps.
I have disclosed myself to my sister. I appreciated her support.
However Ppl who suffered abuse, could understand the pain, shame and anger.

I believe being in a support group definitely helps.
Good Luck.

[Emms]

Welcome Angie. You've got plenty of friends here and we'll all help you as much as we can. We're spread all over the place, I'm from England and still I post here and find it helps a lot. It's amazing actually, any country, any culture, you'll always find child abusers and their victims. I'm just so pleased I found you all.

[Healing my Heart]

This message is for Stepper...I saw your post today. I am new to this site and saw what you wrote. We have a many commonalities. Your post was from a long time ago, I was hoping to get an update from you. Thanks for sharing your story. I am hoping to hear more from you.

[Hummingbird]

Does anyone know about any kind of retreat or workshop that is available in the US for survivors of abuse? I've been skimming the internet but it's so hard to find anything. Any help or information is welcome!

[dancingbear]

It is very difficult to heal myself and also have family going through the same thing that I am going through and trying to be supportive. any suggestions. I have no friends right now because of trust issues.

[dancingbear]

I am looking over the manual. I have to print it out and read it through. I also go to councelling but they have me in a group with just the type of people who I have no interest in being around. I was in a group and with x alcoholics. I do not want to be around people who have abused others. I am not a doctor and do not want to be one right now. I know things exist but I do not want to be exposed to more violence it is nuts. Just because I know there are strippers does not mean I have to go into a place like that. I think that the councelling has been violent to me. That is why the hotline said to join this forum. I cannot tolerate negativity that is not supportive and nurturing. I feel used. The system does sometimes victimize the victim. It has been 15 years and I have become devistated and exausted. The treatment I recieved was bullying and abusive. More than the origional abuse itself. It is not that I would be mean to anyone that is a stripper or an alcoholic, I just dont want to be around it.