[milfrie]

About 8 or 9 years ago, my sister-in-law confided in me that she was a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of her grand-father when she was about 6 and then again at 15. It was a groping-kissing sort of thing according to her. I urged her to tell her mother who called her siblings and as it turns out, her oldest sister was abused for years until she stood up and told him not anymore (she was about 10, I think).

I don't believe my sister-in-law ever got the support she needed. The family didn't cut off relations with him b/c he was old and going senile, dying shortly after. The grandmother told her it was a "misunderstanding". This family is a very "sweep it under the carpet, never let your upsets show" kind of family.

I am now expecting my first child and my mother-in-law (who I have gotten into arguments about this with b/c I feel no one took a strong enough stand against him) wants to give us a toybox/desk that was built by the grandfather. I don't want it around. I posed this to my husband and although he is in full disgust of his grandfather's actions, insists that he and his sister had very fond memories of this thing. I agree that we should ask her if it was ok to her, but I know she will deny it will bother her just to make everyone feel ok. I feel that some of her isolation from the family stems from this lack of support. I can't get it off my mind b/c to me, he is a monster and anything he created cannot be looked at without his overall effect on other people. My husband should be able to keep it, but I just can't stand the thought our kid playing with it and I won't lie. Someday, if asked, I will say who made it and my feelings about it and I feel that I would have to tell my sister-in-law that it wasn't my decision to keep it. I don't want her to think that I am in any way OK with his memory and I think my inability to forgive things like this is the reason I was the first person she told.

My feeling is that we should make the sacrifice and NOT keep this thing and decide [b]without[/b] asking her b/c she shouldn't be put in a situation to have to deny it to us or our kid. I think part of this reluctance to let go of all things about him is a form of denial of the person he was. Am I wrong? What is the appropriate course?

Thanks for any insights.

[DianaJoy]

I'm glad your sister in law has a strong supporter :)

Like with so many things, there isn't a simple right answer. I wish there was.

It's absolutely your prerogative to avoid having a memento of an abuser in your home. You're allowed to have limits about these things. I can also understand your husband wanting to have something he associates with happy memories. It's a tough thing to decide.

In similar circumstances, I don't think I'd ask the sister in law about it. It's your home, so it's really you and your husband's decision.

Oh, here's a thought - is there some way to re-paint it or re-decorate it, to kind of make it more yours than the grandfather's? Perhaps that might be a way to compromise?

Good luck, whatever you decide!

[TryingtoHelp]

I think repainting it or redecorating it is a great idea. My other thought is: the toy box cannot hurt your children. I understand your feelings, but please try to remember that. Before you worry about your sister-in-law, I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious talk about it. You need to understand his feelings, and he truly needs to understand yours.