[teddybeargirl]

My husband of 16 years, shortly after we were married, remembered bits and pieces of sexual abuse at the hands of a friend's mom and her boyfriend during sleep-overs at the friend's house. He was about six years old. Several years after that, while speaking with another friend about that friend's abuse, he suddenly started remembering tons more. He's barely mentioned any of it to me; just that it happened and not much more.

What I need input on is this: I've recently found him online reading what can only be described as child porn. Children abusing other children. Adults abusing children. Bondage and S&M stuff. Then there's the site where his avatar is a sex slave. I don't understand this at all. I was never abused, but I'd think the LAST thing you'd want to do is to re-live it. When I asked him about it, he got HUGELY defensive and told me that a therapist would have him "working through" his memories in a similar way so he's saving himself the trouble of seeing a therapist.

I don't get it. Is it at all normal to obsess and immerse oneself like this? Now every time I walk into the room and he's on the computer, he closes out what he's looking at. If I try to ask him about it, he gets furious. I don't know what to do. He won't let me help him, he's actively hiding things from me, and lying about what he's doing.

What can I do to get him to see that I'm not the enemy?

[sunshinegirl]

Child pornography is not a therapy to work through ones child abuse. Child pornography hurts children. Child pornography is child abuse. Child abuse hurts and severely damages children, these effects last with them as adults.

I feel like I have to apologise for being blunt and repititive - but Child pornography is sexual abuse. I don't think healing from sexual abuse comes about by hurting children. In fact the opposite, in order to heal one has to nurture ones damaged inner child.

I think that you would benefit more from seeing a therapist, I think that this would put you in a better position to help your husband. My ten cents worth. If you read the threads from survivors you may see what damage child abuse does and if you read through the manual that will give you an understanding of the treatment that an adult survivor of child abuse has to go through in order to heal. I think that you will find there is no section, that is titled Child porn: how to use to work through your sexual abuse issues.

On the other hand, I bet this discovery has put you in a precarious situation - I think that knowledge, increasing your knowledge on the subject of recovery or treatments from sexual abuse may help this situation you are in and provide some insight into the nature of sexual abuse - so that you can determine what it is that your husband is in fact doing....I mean what is he doing? He is being secretive about something, he is looking at sex sites, child pornography, child abuse, what does that have to do with treatment - nothing as far as I know and understand.

I think that as long as you don't understand why he is doing what he is doing and as long as you don't agree with what he is doing you will continue to be the enemy. In this case scenario I would happily be your husbands enemy cause ain't no way am I ever gonna accept or tolerate child porn!

[teddybeargirl]

Sunshinegirl,

I probably didn't adequately express what I've discovered about his online activities. He's READING online STORIES that depict children having sex with other children in a very Master/Slave type scenario, NOT WATCHING child porn. (sorry for the caps - just wanted to make sure it was understandable this time.) And I've seen him in Second Life portrayed as an adult male slave in an adult female-run society, once obviously having sex with another avatar, and once apparently about to. And he lied about what I saw; I may be naive, but I'm not stupid.

His rationale behind the Second Life role playing is that he can be in control of the situation and somehow impose control on his memories/abusers. After giving that explanation, he's closed down and not wanting to talk about any other activities.

[sunshinegirl]

Oh... I do have a tendency to run off the gun lately and misunderstand stuff. In fact I think I did it with another thread too. Completely misunderstood what someone had said and got all worked up. Apologies. But back to the issue - I'm not sure what I think about avatars and using them for role playing... But I am still not sure about the role they play in healing and treatment for sexual abuse.

I do think child porn visual or literary stuff is child abuse though - and well I have educated you on my opinion on that !!!!No need to state more! lol.

However, you know what I recognise in his plight as you're descirbed it - the need to control memories and painful memories at that. I usually self abuse, in the past with drugs to numb it out but I also control it with self abusive tendencies, or sabotaging tendencies - that I do understand. But you know I wouldn't be able to say what he is doing is healthy, healing or not.
I do know that some healing activities that I partake in I do not share with my partner because when I have he doesn't seem to understand. And sometimes I know that it is beyond his understanding or even level of tolerance towards violence and hurting and abuse so I don't share. But if he asked I would share with him. I also don't share with him because he just doesn't get it, I could explain to him about it 100 times but its just a million miles away from his experience and understanding of life.

As for role playing - I do a therapeutic treatment that involves roleplaying but its in real life with real people. And I would never do anything that I didn't want to. My role playing does not involve anything sexual and I would be surprised if it did too. Its quite powerful being present with other people as I role play and I think if I did it on the computer that it would be just like playing a game and would become kinda addictive - I am addicted to time management games and I like them because I can numb out anything I don't want to feel and its kinda soothing. Its like an escape for me. I am imagining that that is what it is like for your partner. That second life is just a game where he can role play the vunerable child being overpowered by someone stronger. Who am I to say that this is not healing or is healing....?

Thing is - is that we were not in control when we were abused. There is no control, no logic, no reason to why it happened. I mean this is a harsh reality to face and I would rather play computer games too, than face the desolation and loneliness of the abused.

Just some thoughts on the matter... Interesting and clever really that he is trying to work it out through an avatar..... I mean its kinda ironic really cause I feel like I am an avatar being manipulated by the effects of my abusive upbringing.... Wish I could unplug and get back to the real world sometimes... Oh where is the real world?

[bluegreenmae]

teddybeargirl:
your situation sounds like it has been difficult and perhaps bewildering for you.

Some people who have been abused as children can have a learned physical arousal response to abuse scenarios which can be extremely hard to accept or cope with. I have not heard of anyone actively seeking out such scenarios in literature etc, as there is often also a lot of associated shame, but then my insight on that is probably very limited.

The question I would ask is, if he finds scenarios of child abuse arousing, and is actively seeking that arousal in online literature, is he currently or is he likely to seek these scenarios in child film pornography (which IS child abuse and illegal, and should be reported on any discovery for the safety of the children involved) or in actual contact?

This may be an extremely distressing issue for you, so please be courageous.

The next question is, do you and your husband have children? If so, is he ever secretive with you around his time with them? I hope you won't be offended by me asking this, it is out of genuine concern, and my belief is that those of us who are concerned with preventing child abuse will answer any question or go to any length to prevent it. If somebody questioned me around my safety with children I would admire them for doing something difficult to protect a child, even if I found it hard. If you do have children, or are around the children of others, asking your husband if he ever has difficulty controlling his wish to "relive" or however he sees it, may be hard but should be seen by him as a valid concern. My partner has children, and if he were to find me reading pornographic material about children (which I don't, to be clear) I would expect him to be concerned about and prioritise the safety of his children, no matter how hard it was for me to feel dangerous or shameful. What would you do?

In terms of moral compass, I would be wondering who writes these stories and for what purpose? Are they written by child abusers? Likely. Are they used in child abuse? Also likely.

I am not interested in demonising people, but keeping the knowledge at all times that adults remain adults with adult power, no matter if we were abused as children, and are responsible for our actions.
The best of courage to you in what you need to face, and well done for seeking help. If it is confusing or difficult, or anyway for yourself, I suggest seeking professional support from an agency, which you can do anonymously online if you need to.