New start in life - excited and terrified!!!

DianaJoy · Site Admin Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 481

new topic by request :)

kestrel · Joined: 17 Apr 2009 Posts: 124

I have always done what was expected of me for everyone else. I am about to embark on something purely for me and for my own development and pleasure which will hopefully lead to a new career.
When I lived in the UK I worked on the phones as a counsellor for Childline. It was unpaid and was the best job that I ever had. From this I always wanted to become a counsellor for both abused children and adult survivors. This has been on the back burner for 15 years!!!!
Although I enjoy what I do now it is not a passion - it pays the mortgage. I have therefore enrolled in the Open University to do a degree in Psychology and Social Studies with a counselling option. It is going to take 5 years, lots of work and a fortune in money.
Part of me is thrilled that this is starting to happen for me and part of me is terrified that I will fail/not achieve what I want to. All the old insecurities are flooding back. I know that I can do this in my heart but that nagging voice sometimes gets a bit loud.
Please wish me luck - you are all invited to the Graduation!! LOL

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

BEST OF LUCK KESTREL!!!!!

I live in the US so it might be a stretch, me actually being there for graduation lol (although Id do anything to take a internation trip...) but you have all my support! Good job for having the strength and courage to know what you want to do, to have a passion for something and to pursue it, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! :-D

kestrel · Joined: 17 Apr 2009 Posts: 124

Thanks littleb. On the good days I think Yeah I can do it. On the bad days I think I am mad but overall I agree that I can do it and at the end of the day all I have to lose if money and I can't take that with me!!!!

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

Thats right, and there's no point doing something you don't enjoy, as I am quickly learning at my job. I have techn-centric career, I play with equipment and software, and have a fairly satisfying, yet very stressful job. Although I like my field, I love tinkering with the new toys, my job has left a lot to be desired, I work long hours for very little compensation, and the money is enty level when i'm technically now in an executive position. I do a lot for this company. I like the ppl there, its a small company, and they like me, they're almost dependant on me, but i'm working on breaking them free, so they can run independantly with part time tech support, rather than a full time admin (me).

I'm now looking at doing a part-time professing gig (which I hope will develop full time) at the university I graduated from. I have an interview tomorrow, I have to do an hour lecture, and I'll be lecturing the same professors that taught me how to do this stuff in the first place, so I'm a bit nervous. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm not bad at public speaking either, good voice projection, and when I have a topic I can talk on topic fairly well, its personal conversations I have issues with. Anyways I'm excited to be back in an academic setting, they play with all the latest and greatest stuff generally, and its nice to be around fellow peers, I'm a one (wo)man department right now, and talking tech isn't something a lot ppl understand or want to understand, so I feel lonely at work. PPl call me when stuffs not working, they dont want to know whats going on just want me to fix it, so I fix it, and go back to which ever project I was working on. I can't even make the corny tech jokes I used to hate hearing at school...no one gets what the hell I'm talking about...so its not really that funny :-( lol except its irony

anyways got off topic, I know you can do it kestrel, if I can make it through college, a high school drop out who did as many drugs as she could possibly get her hands on, you can do it. Its hard, any schooling requires discipline, and sometimes you might not be able to tackle everything, but you do the best you can and you'll do fine. It can be hard to get back into school again, but is like riding a bike, studying isnt that hard, just got to get into the swing of it again. It will be well worth it in the end. I believe in you!

kestrel · Joined: 17 Apr 2009 Posts: 124

no problem to go off topic, littleb. good luck today. let us know how it goes.

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

didn't take it, :-( I posted a book about why I didnt take it somewhere else here, so I won't repeat, pretty sure ur in that thread too so I'm sure u'll c it....but anyways it was my decision not to take it and I'm stickin with it lol

kestrel · Joined: 17 Apr 2009 Posts: 124

Yes it was your decision and I have read your other thread. I don't mind long hours that really would have been an awful lot.

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

yes, and since that whole sleep dep in college, Im afraid to push myself that far again. It was a wake up call, I was momentairly crazy, I remember a little of it, some of the disorientation, but not a lot. It showed me just how easily I can break myself, and that i am infact breakable. I still have a hard time swallowing that pill so to speak, I think sometimes I feel like theres nothing anyone can do to me. Youthful stupidity maybe, i should kno better by now. So yea, I'm thinkin now that I debated amoungst myself this morning, that I did make the right choice. Glad I went with my gut this time.

Harmony · Joined: 06 Dec 2009 Posts: 24

Hey guys, I am new here and a little anxious to begin recovering.
I want to begin by saying this is a big step for me to be on this page at all.
I have had trouble talking about my past abuse even with counselors in a safe setting, and just want to say that this site has been a godsend for me.
Anyway, my problem relates to the very real here and now...
I am 30 and living at home with recently PHYSICALLY abusive parent, and before anyone advises, have no where else to go (homeless shelter a worse option), so just so you are aware. That being said, I have a beautiful baby, just about 2 years of age, who is the light of my life. Her father is not currently involved with me, but communicates and coordinates her care with my parents. In case your wondering, custody was taken away from me, and awarded to him, when (LONG STORY SHORT), I was hospitalized.
The hospitalization was spun by my parents, in attempt to cover up what my father actually did to me, into some sort of story about "his daughter's mental illness...." it burns me up, but that's not important....
After he attacked me, back in Jan. 31, 2009, I called the Police, and started to report what happened. Another long story short, there was nothing they could do with out physical evidence, and I ended up going to the hospital by means of a miscommunication, thinking this was the best thing to do at the time, possibly wrongly.
After that, I was subsequently arrested at a later date, by court order, issued somehow by a judge that my parent's somehow convinced that I was "a danger"...lies, lies, and more lies...i guess the entire court system was corrupted somehow...
I am also trying to regain some kind of trust in the legal system.
These days, when I do see my daughter, on the weekends, through "supervised" visitation, (which by the way is absolutely riduculous...) I am completely and totally scared and have overwhelming woes about the events that have transpired in the last two years, and sometimes am so scared just by the memories, that I pick up my daughter and walk out of the same room as my parent(s), for no apparent reason.
I am concerned that because of my strong fear and panicky symptoms, she might begin to develop an unhealthy sense of fear and panic. No child should feel this way this often.
My question to my fellow bloggers is do you all think i should inform my ex of all of the details of what happened that day, and request that he take action to prohibit my parents from seeing my child at all, or is that problem simply mine, and too drastic?
Thanks.
Harmony

tbutterfly · Joined: 24 Apr 2010 Posts: 10 Location: Odessa,Tx

I think you should tell your ex and try to get him to understand. If he does not understand then above all means do what you can to get any kind of help that you can, so you will not be too stressed out by your situation. My God help you and bless you.

tbutterfly · Joined: 24 Apr 2010 Posts: 10 Location: Odessa,Tx

kestrel stick in there and you will be fine. I am also trying to make a start for myself. Sometimes when I have my bad days, I find it hard to concentrate on my college assignments but then I try to fight my thoughts and finish my assignments. When my days are good I feel good and know that I can do anything. Right now I am struggling because sometimes I let my abusive past get to me and hold me back at times. I also, let the fear of my adoptive get to me as well. She is so protective of me and still sees me as the little girl who was abused and maltreated by her drug addicted aunt and uncle. Now I am concentrating on graduating and obtaining my bachelors degree in psychology so I can become a counselor. I want to help counsel the survivors and abused viticims. As I am getting closer to my goal, I sometimes cry because I have came so far from being that abused little girl that people in my town would talk about but did know that it was actually me. I do not cry with sadness but I cry with joy which is something that I always never do. Right now I am still struggling becasue I'm 25 and I have not started my life yet. I'm scared and happy at the same time. One because I am reaching a goal I have set for my life. Two, I'm barely getting started to going into the working world. After I graduate with my bachelors degree, I plan to get my master's degree so I can become a license counselor. The only way I look at it is "[/b]I Am Going To Succeed Over My Past, My Past Is Not Going To Succeed Me". I just want to tell you good luck and stick with it even though it get's a little rough. Good luck and Best Wishes

Raingirl · Joined: 24 Dec 2009 Posts: 65

Ooh Kestrel - how's it been going with the psychology course? Funnily enough I am about to look for courses in this myself as it is also something I've been wanting to do for ages...and I'm told that luckily as I'm now on jobseekers...I don't have to pay a fortune. Reckon they should be free for survivors!!!

Anyway, I just came on here to say that I have realised that my mum's fears (well they came out as sarcastic remarks but I think deep down she's scared) of me reporting her to the police weren't as ridiculous as I first thought. The law has changed as they now understand these things take a LONG time to come to terms with. I could convict...I could get compensation for it all.

For now, I have decided that I do not want to report/convict them etc, because I do not NEED revenge. I am a better person than them now and whilst I can totally understand others doing this, each situation is unique. I really feel that they are just mentally ill and have continued the cycle of abuse. Like abused children that lash out - maybe they just don't know any better?! Narcissism and co-dependence really seem likely! Oh...and I'm not saying that this is an excuse. I must have shown elements of these in my life...the difference is that I sought to change.

I have however just been to the hospital and the doctors to ask for my medical records. Even though I'm on jobseekers I think I will have to pay for copies...but I will get them eventually. My reasoning is this: I am not sure which parts of my life were truth/lies!!!

My family are in agreement that I have made it up and whilst I know this is not correct, I do not want any of their issues to affect me trying to help others. I work with children and want to do whatever I can to help adult SCAs, and I am now aware of how it seems sensible to protect yourself AHEAD of potential problems. So I think I'm going to be creating a kind of history pack about myself and how this has impacted on me. I don't yet know exactly how I will use it or whether it will simply be a way of closing this chapter of my life. I think it will help erase any residual fears, by giving me something more concrete - I won't EVER be able to doubt myself if I have diaries, witness accounts, medical records etc!!!

Maybe I will be able to pass on a copy to my abusers one day...or maybe others in my family? Maybe it will simply help create a bigger picture of how this stuff happens and help others to look for more signs of abuse so we can stop it earlier? Maybe I'll publish it in a book someday? Who knows?! I just know how empowered I felt admitting calmly, confidently and happily why I wanted my records. I am doing something...

I just wondered what everyone else felt about this and whether you have done anything similar....?!

xo

Raingirl · Joined: 24 Dec 2009 Posts: 65

Also, does anyone know how to get social services records as I think they may have been contacted once when I was very young...but I'm not sure?

My other mission is to find anyone at ALL on my dad's side of the family, but I am having difficulty. There is even a website JUST for my old surname, but nobody I'm looking for has responded. My grandparents are dead already, so I'll never know them either...but there might be an uncle and cousins. Their birthdates & full names are on this website.
Any tips on how I might find them?

exrayaim · Joined: 03 Mar 2011 Posts: 4

Ok, so I realized about 20 years ago that I was sexually abused as a child when somebody mentioned the abusers name. I told my mother at that point, but got not support or sympathy. I decided to continue on with my life...I wasn't suicidal or anything...I was getting along ok with my life..having fun. ending up with some really shitty relationships that have continued up until about a year ago. Now I am trying to follow the steps in the manual and am ready to start healing. where do I begin? I am debating whether or not to confront my abuser...he was a boyfriend of my mother's 34 years ago. I don't even know if he is still alive or not, but am being told by my friend to let it alone and not stir things up again. I feel that is exactly what I need to do to move on and get closure. This man was definately not a good person and I don't know what he has become in his life if he in fact is still alive so I don't know if I would be putting myself into danger or not. I need to know for a fact that he is not in control of my life anymore. Any advice? I am doing this all on my own right now and it is very scary to think about. I haven't discussed this with my counselor yet so don't know what she will think. Is there another way that I can get closure without actually confronting this man?