[ariamoon]

I am a 45 yo female who is a survivor of childhood sexual and emotional abuse who is married to a man who was physically abused as a child. I have never had trouble remembering what happened to me, but dealing with it and how it made me feel is a totally different thing. I have embarked on a journey of self improvement over the last 10 years, and beaten the drug abuse, and quit smoking. I am now in the process of trying to lose the weight that I always have struggled with and these memories keep popping up unbidden. I thought that I had dealt with that, but I have never received any professional counseling of any sort. I have always just figured I had dealt with it already, that was in the past, etc.....

I am hypervigilant and overly sensitive and try to deal with that by detaching. I have always felt that I am several different people bound up in one and explained that by saying, "Well, that's a Gemini for you." I have always been a chameleon and just become whoever it is I need to be at the time. Now, I want to know who I am underneath all of the roles that I have put on over time.

Anyway, I found this website and will begin reading the manual and see where things go from there. Any support will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[WildChild]

I am too am in a similar struggle. No major revelations at the moment, just kinda trudging along, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Peace.

[newlife]

Hello, I'm Shal. I am new here and would like to share. I am not quite sure what I am supposed to do, I guess I am a little confused to about where and when to share.

[newlife]

Hello, I am 26 and married. I knew since I was a teenager that I was physically and psychologically abused, but I only had an intuition that I was sexually abused. When I was about 23 I began to have more memories and body sensations (if that makes sense) that I was sexually abused. I decided I no longer wanted to have my father in my life, but he is very manipulative. He used my little sister against me so I would start talking to him again. After she grew up and left home, she came to me one day and confessed that my father had molested her, and gave me details. Her memories matched mine, and we had never spoken of sexual abuse before that time.

Now I am trying to deal with the reality that I was abused, but I am having a hard time with it. My husband is trying to understand why I act certain ways and why there are certain things I cannot do (especially intimate things). We always end up fighting because he feels insecure about my actions and he somehow thinks that I am okay with living this way. It is very hard to keep up the illusion that I am okay, and that nothing is wrong... and lately my illusions have failed me.

That is all I can say right now. I know I am not alone, but sometimes I feel like I am walking in the dark by myself.

[Caroline27]

Hello,

New to this forum but glad I found it. I would like to begin some more healing through here. I have lots to talk about.

Thanks

[TheLittleFire]

I am a 21 year old female. It is very hard for me to sit down and tell people about my abuse. They think I'm crazy, and I think it myself sometimes too. I suffered from a different kind of abuse. I was psychologically abused, and very rarely physically abused. Instead, I watched my brothers be beaten. I suffered from neglect, but that was great. My best times were when my family was away. Another problem I face with telling people, is that I don't have once instance. I have 17 1/2 years of abuse. I have horrible nightmares, and people don't understand. When people say little things to me, I might start balling like a little kid. It's because at that moment it reminds me of an event that happened. I cannot tell a story, but I could write a book, just out of order.

[TheLittleFire]

...My boyfriend told me today that he understands, that some people are just more sensitive to things. That made me so angry. Here are some short snippits.

When I was five, my father grabbed me by the neck, picked my up, and threw me against the wall. I thought I was going to die. When I told me mother, he said I was nothing but a lying b----.

My mother's tactic was control... So instead of hurting me, she would hurt my pride, and everything (or everyone) I cared about.

She cut the heads off my four cat's (Ember, Enya, Ash, Coal.) I loved my cats. I wasn't allowed outside. It's all I had.

[davidb]

Had my first realizations around the turn to year 2000. My "support group" (family and friends) said just get on with life. I still have family but no friends. Things came back a few weeks ago due to stressfull situations.

It was a neighborhood family that baby sat me at least once when I was between 3-4 years old. And it was very bad. Alcohol, my hand in a vice, and a "police officer". I have many, many more memories. (I recorded (4) 90 minute tapes of my "ramblings" which I have had a hard time finding - but I remember pretty much everything I said, just more organized now).

Maybe 8 years ago at a wedding I met parents of kid on my street when I was growing up and asked how he was doing. Not very well.

Trigger????














Way back(4-5 years old?) me and my friend were in his garage and we made "Cheerio" o's with our mouths and took each other in once and quick. But we had both done the same things.


Directly, death of an animal was involved and a mad dog inches from my face. I was shown bones Iwas told came from another child.

I need to speak out and this is what is on my head:

The whole family was involved in my abuse and I remained "freinds" with the kids although they were domineering over my childhood.

it was cool to ride our bikes past a house a few streets away and shout "Mario,Mario,Mario(?)" and sometimes people would chase after us but we were long gone. Later in life (about 14 years old) made best friends with a guy that live aroung the corner and found out "Mario?" had been missing for a long time, my new best freind had been a good best freind. (maybe I am wrong-but I think so).

And then there is this:

My oldest sister used to baby sit for a family down the street. She got a job at Carls Jr. and the family needed a baby sitter to take her place.


Well "Nancy"(the daughter from the family) took her place. I was playing outside when she left her house across the street. About 15 minutes later her dad left his house (rare to see him, he was my main abuser) (I was about 10 years old now). He left his house with a big plate covered with aluminum foil and somehow I said to him where are you going and he said to give Nancy some dinner.

I remember my sister baby sitting and never needing help, being on her own. I did not see him come back home. I got called in for the night.

She was babysitting, he was there for quite a while (over an hour).

Three days later the husband shot his child(ren), wife, then himself.

This happened in 1977 in the city of Orange, CA. The husband was a city of Orange police officer.

When I had my first "flashbacks" in 2000 I went to the City of Orange Police Department was and told the case was closed regarding the murder suicide.

The man and his wife (she was very much involved in my molestation) moved from our "peaceful" neighborhood to the Las Vegas area.

I have "come across" both his children and they are bug eyed and messed up when they see me.

[davidb]

I try to think of myself but have a lot of memories of other things. I pray I can make it to a meeting on monday in S.D. CA.

[mission]

Hello,

I am a new member and was severly abused by my birth mother. I recieved 2cd degree burt as a baby. I am now 48. I was physical,
mentally, and emotionally abused by her. Presently as an adult have been
mentally and emotionally abused by people who don't seem to understand
me. That is why I am alone most of the time. But God kept my mind and
soul.

[davidb]

Where are you going now?

[mission]

I am not sure of your question. But, I would love to reach out to young
people who are walking in my shoes. It does become hurting when I see
family members who don't know how to accept me and who are jeously and
who tell me I need to forget everything. But, I have scars on my outer body
as well as the inside. Extensive burn marks where people can look at you
and say "uh, what happen to you, what have you been into?" But to answer
your question again, I need to distant myself from some negative people.

Relocate if possible.

[sunrisesunset]

We came across this site on the internet and it seems like a good place to start. The posting thing has brought about some concerns but here we are.

I hope this works. I look forward to being a part of a this, it all seems so positive and that is what we need right now.

Me

[sunrisesunset]

I started having flashbacks a few years ago....and now they are happening quite regularly. I have read that flashbacks are a good sign. A sign that the body is healing and that it is ready to remember things that have been buried for whatever reason.

How do you guys deal with the flashbacks? Some of mine are so real that it is scary. And to top that they come in bits and pieces and sometimes complete. Explain that someone ..please

Me

[davidb]

If you are having flashbacks that is a good first step, but I hope you are in a stable environment with loving friends or family. As things first came out for me I realized... (this was about 7 years ago and I was suicidal). I tried to leave it behind and get on with my life but stressfull situations recently brought things back (flashbacks etc..) but my emotions were more minor. I realize my social life is messed up, but I guess I just have to accept that is me. I am a lone wolf (that is what I tell myself)

My only exterior scars are my own stupid accidental making.