[Emms]

Welcome to all the new ppl, hope the site helps you. It's the first step to sharing things with those who really will understand.

[Darkstar]

Thank you for the kind replies. I am one of those people who never talked about personal problems with anyone. My wife talked me into seeing someone a few weeks ago. I told him why i have this anger. I have not discussed anything in detail, just told him that i was sexually abused as a young child. He told me i should let the past go. Which is all I want to do.
My wife said that's not a good way to handle things and she is in process of finding me new therapist. She feels I need to get this taken care of now. It's really hard for me to even think about this. Even when I talk with my wife I just get sleepy and cover my face and want to hide which I don't even realize until she points it out. I fade out when I think about it. Become numb . Anyway, things in my life are good. But i cant be happy. This was almost 30 years ago. I'm scared the more I dwell on it and think about it the sadder I'll get. But, that's what I have to do right? Talk about it so I can let it go.. Is that right? Growing up my family never talked about stuff and didn't believe in therapists or psychologists. I feel kind of lost. Thanks..
Ds

[Emms]

I don't agree with the way the therapist handled what you said. Yes, you have to leave all that in the past eventually but you can't do it overnight and yes, you have to talk about it and often relive some it before you can let it go. You have to teach yourself how to direct your anger, how to control it, all that. It doesn't happen overnight, it's a long and hard journey but we can make it. You CAN do it, talk to us as much as you can, and to your wife and try to explain to her how you feel. Personally I think you probably need a therapist who specializes in adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

It will always make you feel angry at times, but you can learn to be a peace with yourself. Of course you feel tired and want to hide when you talk about it, that's the child still there needing to be rescued. We have to learn to do that and we can. The steps in the manual are very good even if you do have to go over the same ones time and time again before you start to feel any benefit. Always remember that you were not to blame, any shame is not yours, don't carry that, the shame is on the person who did this to you, it's not your shame so you need carry no guilt at all, that's one of the first things I had to learn to let go of.

[Darkstar]

Thanks Emms and wsb for the replies. Yeah he pretty much said I should leave it in the past and get on with it which pissed my wife off so we canceled the next session and she got some name from the therapist she sees. I did tell him though that I felt better after telling my wife and it depresses me thinking about it and I'm happy not thinking about it. It was only like my 4th or 5th session with the guy. She comes with me sometimes. She did that day. I had to take a whole Xanax bar to be able to tell him too. I was kind of happy he said that because I really just do not want to dwell on it. I always knew it was there but wouldn't think about it. But I feel like my anger needs to be addressed because I do not want my wife to have to deal with that. It isn't fair. So as uncomfortable this all is for me I want to deal with it so I can put it behind me. Now I am starting to see where these issues i have come from. Such as my obsessive compulsive need to clean. My past of extreme drug abuse. I have been clean except for cannabis and occasional Xanax for over 10 years. My anger and rage. Why I will never go swimming. Why all motivation was forever obliterated. Why I feel uncomfortable with any contact with guys. Why i would never pee or change in front of other guys.. I know this has impacted my life.. I want to be free of it now. Thanks for listening.
Ds

[Darkstar]

I was wondering what the Survivor to Thriver manual is and where to find it?I am having some trouble navigating this site. Also, i feel a little better having talked a little about me and my problems and want to thank you. I sure have an easier time here. You are all very brave. Thanks.

[Darkstar]

Thank you very much. I'm seeing a new therapist this week. I am kind of nervous. Since I have been thinking about all this I have been having bad dreams and while it feels good to have talked about this having it in my head is kind of bumming me out..
Ds

[Darkstar]

Thanks wsb.. I really want to be rid of this anger. It's been eating at me so long. I have had the same 3 dreams since I was a child. All bad scary dreams not really about what happened although I am sure they have something to do with it. Lately they have been worse and different. Im lucky to have the best most supportive wife ever. I just feel a little weird going through all this. I feel like as a guy I have been conditioned to not talk about feelings and dwell on past but ... I know that's stupid I just deep down I don't know , it's hard for me. I have lost good friends and ruined plenty of relationships in the past due to my anger.. I take it out on family.. I take it out now on my wife.. I feel like I can't control myself. I get in this rage.. All of a sudden I snap at little things. But otherwise I'm a really nice guy. I know that's not me. It's scary how something bad from so long ago can change the course of a whole life. I really am determined not to be this way anymore. My wife is sure my anger is related to what happened to me when I was a kid.. Sometimes I wonder though if maybe I'm just a natural asshole.. Wherever it comes from I know I want this anger out of our lives and I

want to talk about what happened and get it out and just be free of it and
not be alone anymore and be happy. I just dont know what im supposed to do. I suppose thats what the therapist will tell me. I got through all my real bad times with drugs and things could be so good now If I could just be over this.. Thanks for hearin me.
Ds

[Darkstar]

I don't know why I just can't talk about the details. And I remember so many details. I remember everything from what kind of soda was on the table to the way the room smelled. Yet I can't talk about them can't even write about them. Honestly, when I think about what happened to me I feel like a kid again. I feel small and helpless. My abuser was a good trusted family friend. I remember so so much but his face remains a blur to me like the boogeyman. I feel small and helpless alot still because I can't deal with what happened. Then I think about all of the horrible things that are way worse that happen to other people all the time and feel like a weak little baby for letting this affect me so much. But it has affected me. In a lot of ways.

[potiron7]

Hello-
I am just finding this site as I am finally coming to terms with admitting that I was emotionally abused as a child by my mother, and continue to be as an adult. I'm not sure where to start-maybe when my therapist flat out said so and I was forced to sweep away all the layers of denial?
This is all basically coming to a head as a 4 year "honeymoon" of a relatively calm and uneventful relationship with my mother has ended. Assumptions made by my therapist-who is extremely excellent and wise at her thought-seem to suggest that my mother has Borderline Personality disorder. I am the oldest and have a younger brother who holds the status of "The Prodigal Son Who Treats Everyone Like Crap and Still Comes OUt Smelling Like Roses." My mother has basically been resentful of my existence since he was born. She comes from an abusive household, and she views herself as completely normal. She is, compared to her childhood home. She is not, in the reasons that my brother has had to do absolutely nothing to get everything. He has manipulated and lied and instigated situations to get me into trouble and even caused trouble himself. The result of all of this has been ME paying the price.
Nothing I've done has ever been good enough. I am too fat, too ugly, I look through my glasses funny, I look too pale (I AM A REDHEAD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD), I walk funny, I smile funny, I laugh weird, I sneeze weird. Everything is wrong.
Growing up, I had to work multiple jobs to pay for everything I had, including my musical instruments. I went to school for music, but couldn't afford the resources to move forward enough to get a real performing job, so I've resorted to other means of work. When I was actually college searching, my mother said that I wouldn't be good at anything, so I could probably just be a teacher so someone would hire me. Of course in the same breath, she stated that my brother (who is a schizophrenic agoraphobe who refused to leave his room) would be able to do well at anything in college. I went, had to pay for myself. He went, he got everything paid for.
If I ever had a boyfriend, it was a problem. I was "too happy" or "nicer" which-in my opinion-never seemed like a problem. I could go on for days. Mostly, I remember falling asleep every night to her telling my father that I was a fat and ugly bitch who did nothing but get in the way of my brother.
Once, I made the bold move to call her out on her treatment towards me. She hung up on me and refused to talk to me for 11 months. IN that period, she refused to acknowledge any of my accomplishments, birthday, holidays with me, etc. She also lied to our family and said that I hung up on her, making me look like the a-hole.
There was a falling out with my brother about 5 years ago, and my parents have not been able to speak to him or his family. During this time, I was elected the golden child, and actually had a somewhat normal relationship with her.
About a year ago, they all began fixing things, which is when my downgrade began. This summer, my folks drove 15 hours to see them all, and have been back several times since. There has been a lot more tension between us, as it seems everything I do is wrong again. Apparently I can't even brush my hair correctly. Who knew?
About 6 months ago, I decided to sell my business and move back to go to school. After that, I plan to move about 6 hours away from where I grew up to continue a life with my loving and extremely patient boyfriend. In a recent conversation with my mother, she told me that if I couldn't sell off all of my inventory, she could "just dump it" when I got back. See, she is a housewife. Apparently housewives know more about small music businesses and how to sell special inventory faster than I can. She thinks that my promotions are not good enough and that a Word Document with tear off slips is much better than I can do.
I told her that I was upset that she had no faith in my ability to complete a task in 6 months. Just from this, she decided it was ok to tell me I was ignorant, and that I call her stupid (which I never have), and that she would no longer be my mother since her help was not needed. All she ever does is summon the stupid Drama Llama into the picture to make her look like a victim, or depending on the situation, a martyr. She seems to conveniently leave out the part where after telling me what a worthless piece of crap I am, she gives me the silent treatment and passive aggressively communicates through the third person to continue berating me.
The worst part for me is the impending holidays we have. I have both plane tickets bought and planned to spend extra time with the family since I have been seeing my boyfriend a lot more. This means, in 2 weeks, I get to go home and spend 5 days in a home where she'll be telling the dog that I am rude, fat, pale, don't have enough freckles, don't have my part on the right side of my hair, talk funny, walk funny, eat funny, sleep funny, ugly, stupid, etc... During all of this, my dad will be acting as Switzerland while vegging out on the couch with the TV.

The only time I've ever gotten hugs from her was after she verbally pounded me so bad I was crying. She'd drive me to that point and then try to swoop in and make me feel better and forget that she was the one who made me feel that way. There are so many times I've thought about ending it all, just because I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore.

I get up in the morning and I can't even look in the mirror because all I see is pure ugliness. I get dressed and go to work. I find absolutely no pleasure in getting ready for the day. I feel guilty eating my meals, like I continue to punish my body because it needs sustinence. I'm afraid to look people in the eye because I am afraid they will see exactly what I see when I look in the mirror.

I know this is really long, I apologize. This was also a mess. I feel like I haven't even been able to keep things in order or clear enough, or give strong enough examples-it all seems like a blur of unspecifics. All I know is that everything I do is wrong and my presence on this planet is unwelcome. Every single day, I try to be a better person to try and reverse that spell that just won't go away.

Thanks for listening.

[Emms]

Welcome to the forum and please don't apologise for writing long posts, I usually write loads too so it doesn't matter, that's what we are all here for, to listen to each other and try to help and support.

You've had a horrible time and I can relate to having a mother with some kind of personality disorder, mine was basically psycho in my opinion.

Anyway, I'd like to bet that you are not ugly and that what you see in the mirror is what you're feeling, not what really is there. It's a long and hard journey to recovery from the kind of life and betrayals you've had but you can do it. We all can, but it's by no means easy. We're all here for you.

[AbusedGirl]

Hi,
I'm new here and have been trying to overcome my childhood traumas all of my life. I will be 54 in December. I am on numerous drugs for depression, anxiety and PTSD. I see a psychiatrist, a CSW and other people. One of my problems which I don't feel is addressed is blocked memories. That is, anyone who knows me well knows that I can't remember much of my past. I have been told that this is because I have blocked out things I don't want to remember. How do I retrieve these things? This is one of my first steps to recovery.
Thanks

[healer112]

Hi I am new here. I have known that I have had an abusive childhood for a while, been in therapy too for a some years and now am mostly on my own.
It had seemed to me that I have healed a lot and 'forgiven' my biological family. However, a recent meeting with someone I dated for a short while brought back the need to validate myself and wake up.
I found this forum through reading self help books and now am glad to be here. I really appreciate this space and am very grateful for everyone that is helping us recover our awareness, see the truth and recover our integrity.

I am now dealing with having to interact with parents every week that I dread talking to. They are emotionally incestous and act completely in an emotionally dependent manner and deny anything that had happened in my childhood. My father has been sexually abusive. I was not raped or molested as such. However, he has touched me inappropriately when I was growing up, and tried to get 'cozy' with me when I was a teenager. This is just the beginning. My memories seem to be just underneath the surface of my awareness. However, there has been a lot of emotional repression and internalization such that I seem o have found comfort in blaming myself for everything that happened to me and developed many beliefs that suggest martyrdom, disrespect to self and being submissive as 'love'.
I have been abused by every member of my biological family, being the youngest and the family scapegoat. Emotional scars remain even showing up as physical symptoms. I could not have sex and am closer to recover on that level because my body associates touch with abuse. I have been working on my condition called 'vaginismus' for about 5 years now. Needless to say, I haven't had kids and am not married. Romantic relationships are like an addiction where I get in and out of them and have never had a decent sexual experience. Most of my friendships and relationships have ended due to insane jealousy on my part, which is what began me on this journey. I am not writing these things to dwell on my past. However, I realized that I have been too afraid to handle the immensity of what I went through as a child and that I need to honour my inner children, validate them and acknowledge what I called as 'the horror' growing up. If I don't validate myself who will?
However, I felt reassurance in reaching out and being in a supportive community. I am no longer in therapy and am in a living situation that is financially not very conducive for therapy. Also, I am a bit wary around therapists right now as I feel that even others can invalidate me by error. Nobody else but me (and the higher spirits)can actually get my experience and resolve it . However, it is very helpful to have support from others.
I am still probably touching the tip of the iceberg. However, I can start off with being disowned by my mother emotionally as a little kid since I was born as a girl and it was not acceptable in India back then to be a girl child, especially the third girl child that I was, my two elder sisters bullied me day in and out and beat me,yelled at me until they left home, closer to when I was 17 years or so. My dad and grandmother (dad's mothers) who seemed to sympathize a little left home when I was 8 years old. They were my parents. MY grandmother never seemed to have forgiven me for being a girl child too. However, she took care of me. My dad pretended that I was a boy and at other times took advantage of the complete power he had over me, him being teh one affectionate parent I had. I have some faint memories of sexual abuse from him before I learnt to speak and some vivid and clear memories of him playing games around my genital parts with making me touch myself. I don't remember if he touched me too and it is difficult right now to go there at all.
My father and grandmother left home when I was about 8 years old. My father left because he had a job elsewhere. My grandmother left because my father left. Since then on, I was open prey to the hatred of my mother and sisters. My sisters were young but they caught on early that mommy did not like me. And that was it. Sometimes families scapegoat one child, ruthlessly. It has been a cruel childhood. I tried to run away at about 13 years or so. Somehow, I did not. I have been suicidal since age 7, begining with some attempts to consume old medicine at home. Later in life, as a teenager, I tried suicide several times unsuccessfully and I am thankful for that. I did not validate my feelings although I became mentally aware and over-analytical. My last suicide attempt at age 23 brought me into therapy when I attempted suicide being unable to deal with jealousy over a friend at work. It was not even romantic, but I have had insane jealousies that have reduced greatly since. On another side, I have been a superachiever, with many talents developed, always straight As, have a PhD now in a field I choose as a kid, performed dance and traveled the world. I have followed my heart and gone beyond many limitations that my original Indian society imposed upon women. All within 30 years of age. I am genuinely very proud of myself as a thriver. Yet there are many vulnerable aspects of me and many fears, shame and self hatred that I am working on. I think this is enough for a first post.
I thank you again for this space and I hope to grow and be able to help others some way down the road on this path.
Thanks again.
Peace, serenity and strength

[healer112]

Hi
wsb
Thanks a ton for your prompt and warm response. It meant a lot to me when I read it...
I was wondering about how it may be possible (if it is) to make my posts here only available to members rather than to anyone not on the forum. I guess one can read the messages here without having to sign in...

[DianaJoy]

Healer112, I'll look into way to restrict who can see posts. I'll have to do some research, but I think I can find some way to do that. I'll post once I know one way or the other!

[healer112]

that sounds great
thank you