[healer112]

sexual abuse from family
I am still barely sketching this and wanted to share it and let it out of my system and bring it to my awareness. When I was just beginning to develop, I had to go on a religious trip with my father and bathe in a village pond. Unfortunately, for some reason I don't remember, I did not have a petticoat or something and was very embarrassed about my newly budding breasts among the rest of the people. It turns out that for this highly misogynistic pilgrimage in south India only men and women below 10 years and above 5 0 years ( non reproductive ages) are allowed. So I was about 10 years old and developing and surrounded by men. It was very embarrassing. One young boy who was with us started to make fun of me and tease me at which point my father noticed what was happening. He seemed to comfort me. However, when he saw what was the issue of the fuss, he actually touched my n...d t...s with his fingers and seemed lost in that for a bit before telling me that it is alright. I was mad at him and helpless. I felt ashamed and violated among this crappy so called spiritual group of people. I know that my father used that moment that probably came as an unexpected to him, to allow his carnal desired to go unchecked. How dare he actually fondle me when I turned to him for protection and I was his daughter?
This was an early incident. However, there is a whole pandora's box in there.
My father has been a sexual predator with me, energetically and through his many actions and attempts. It had affected my self image so much that I pretended to be a boy for a large period of my life and am still working on it. Pretended to be a boy so I won't feel like I am engaging in his energy in anyways or 'causing' his inappropriate and vile behaviours. He and my mother actually perceive children as their property for their self gratification. When I came back from the trip and told my mother about what had happened (I am not sure about how clearly I mentioned my fathers behaviour as it was difficult, but I think I told her that he touched me and checked), she just ignored that part. She did not protect me from my fathers advances. I am quite sure she was aware of a lot. Her reactions would most often be about me not being responsible for my fathers behaviours. As though it was my fault. I had to cover up and dress 'appropriately' which is part of the Indian culture I grew up in where it is always a woman's fault if a man makes inappropriate sexual gestures.
So much trash has been internalized that I developed vaginismus and after 5-6 years of work, I am finally close to being able to having sex at all. I still don't feel comfortable being touched casually by anyone.
The worst thing is the belief that I must surrender all self respect and discernment in favour of 'love', approval and emotional support. No wonder I have attracted crappy men and jerks in my life. Where parents are the predators. This is certainly hell.

[healer112]

there has been continuous sexual vibes from my father, even until recently. When I go home. It reduced a little when I started staring back at him when he ogles at me. Tries to get into the room when I am changing my clothes. Stares at my breast a lot. My mother seems to pick it up subtly and looks ready to judge ME for it. In the culture I grew up, women are blamed for any sexual abuse that happens to them. No wonder there was so much paranoia about covering up, keeping my legs together and all that crap.
But my mother never supported me or gave me a safe space to talk about it. The one time I told her about my cousin molesting me, her face froze and she asked me if it was real and what he actually did. He was to live with us for the next 2 years and he already did this on the first night. I told her so she would not let him stay with us. Instead she wanted me to deny what had happened. She actually said that her sister, my cousin's mother had helped her a lot in life and she cannot turn away the boy, and if something really happened...and what actually happened...I could not tell her much more and left it at that. I stayed away from that creep and always wary of him. Like an intruder in the house. Turned out he actually seduced my sisters, both of them pretty dumb and got one of them pregnant/aborted. i am not very sure about the details. Also he stole money from our house and brought seedy friends. I kept away from them all. Finally, my mother woke up and told him to leave,after 2 years of torture living with that brute.
And now, with my father, she was not there to protect me.
I have moved out now and living in another country. I have cut all contacts with my sisters and other family members and only video talk with my parents. I am posting here because I am SO tired of the secrecy and keeping it all in. Now my sisters have invited them to come over to this country and it is a difficult situation for me. I don't want them in my house, my new life, my new space and my safe space. I don't want my filthy father to intrude int my safe space that I created for myself now. Nor do I want to see my sisters. It will be weird to not see my parents when they come here. Also if I video chat with them when they are at my sisters place, there will be contact with them. I am in the process of healing and don;t want much contact with those people.
Posting this here. Because I don't want to handle everything by processing it inside. Wanted to let it out and release it, in this safe space.
I do wish this space were private and only for members as there is sensitive stuff that I am sharing....also I don't want identification through any innocuous details...
thanks all the same
peace and much healing to all

[hesione]

Hi,

I'm very new to all of this and English is not my first language, so please bare with me if my post seems disorganized...

I suffered from depression for more than a year because of a bad romance relationship with a manipulator who makes me feel extremely powerless/head over heels, also I had a history of unable to walk away from an abusive relationship. That's how I start to recognize that I myself might have issues that need to be solved.

My parents (mostly my mom, my dad was rarely home) physically abused me from I was 3 or 4 until 15 (because I finally started to take things away from her hand and she realized she was unable to beat me any way she wants) on a regular basis, about 3 times/week (on the contrary, my younger sister rarely got beaten). It's an endless power struggle, they tried to defeat/hurt me to make sure they have the power over me. I always noticed their weakness and know exactly what to say to make them angry, when my mom got mad she'd grab anything on hand to beat me, leather belt, broom, iron hanger(this is the most horrible one because the bruise won't fade away in weeks) anything you can think of. My dad once slap me so hard that I flew out to the floor when I was 4 because I told him I didn't want to go to school. They'd push me to a big spider because they know I'm afraid of it. Locked me out of our apartment when I only had the underwear on even after I reached my puberty.

My test scores are always top of the class, but I'm a problem maker, always read extracurricular materials in class; always late for school; never handed in homework on time or at all; arguing with the teachers; confront with authorities and regulations......

I feel sad, hurt and alone, but the only way I can express is through my
anger and confrontation and I'm always afraid to tell my parents what I want or really need, even it's just a pair of socks.

These memories is a long nightmare that I was reluctant to mention and recall for more than 15 years. I'm 33 now but still under the shadow, even having a more smooth relationship with my parents...

When starting to read articles about adult survivors of child abuse, recovery manual as someone who has been physical abused, Laura Bryannan's Dancing in the Shadows - chapter 1 Survivor "Checklist" caught my attention. This article is about sexual abuse, which never comes to my mind it'd has anything to do with me, but the red flag is there... the loss of memories... my parents send me to lived with my grandparents (my dad's side) for a few years before kindergarden, I tends to have a strong visual memory, I remember how the furniture look like, he windows, the decoration, but there are almost NO memories about how my grandfather's room was like, considering my grandfather and I were extremely close at that time, it seems very strange. But I do know that for my entire life, I'm always unwilling to step a foot into that room even just a second for no particular reason, but never put further thoughts about it.

the room is always very scary to me, I start to ask myself why and, did I ever be in that room?? Then... suddenly, the memory that I was terrified, running out from that room hit me. the only thing I remember is that the room was so dark and it was bright daylight outside. and I feel SO RELIEF to be able to run away. I also remembered, after that, every time my grandfather tried to carry me into that room, I'd struggle so hard that I don't even care I might fall, or my foot was like gluing on to the floor in front of that room... I know he didn't rape me, still have no clue about what happened, but I sense myself are feeling afraid to find out...

strange things start to make sense, such as I started to touch myself sexually very early but I remembered clearly that there's no pleasure involved. I enjoyed being captured/tied-up game very much when I was a kid. The man I got involved with are sexually abusive(emotional as well), but I find that EXTREMELY attractive.

I didn't know why, but now I start to feel SCARED all the time. I feel scared to move, scared to stand up and go to the bathroom... the sound of the heater scared me. no matter how I tell myself that I'm not a kid anymore, I can protect myself now. but the feeling of afraid stays still............


this is my story
thanks for listening and being here.

hesi

[healer112]

Hesi
it is brave of you to post and share here...fear is something we face as we begin to fae and release the past...however, I hope it helps to know that the real dangers are long long gone...and it will take time for our subconscious/child part to grasp that...be gentle with yourself...and congratulations on stepping into the light of your own awareness....
much luck on your journey...

[dancingbear]

hello, I think that I de registered myself but then reregistered and would like a new thread called albia if possible. I know that there is one there but I could not access it. Could you possibly set up a new one? It says I need special access and I think I did the registration wrong but can log in now. The thread could be named Albia if possible, thank you

[this is my name]

This is going to be kind of long. I apologize ahead of time.

I grew up in an abusive home. I actually don't really want to call it an abusive home, but I don't know what else to call it. Every time I've thought of it as one, I was told- "other people have it worse, you just need to suck it up".

My family situation... was always difficult. There's no real way to describe it.

My family has always been abusive. My mother and father both had unhappy childhoods. They also had a rather questionable marriage. Anxiety and depression run in my family. On my father's side of the family is also autism. My uncle and my older brother both have it.

My mother is a first generation immigrant. My father... to be honest, I don't know what's wrong with him. He's not a bad person, but... I... I just don't know. He always seemed pretty childish. He also got drunk a lot.

Now, he wasn't an abusive drunk... but I think he was depressed and had really low self-esteem so drinking was his way of dealing with things. He loved me in his own weird way and he and I did get along fairly well for the time our family lived together.

He and my mother always had fights. Well, he didn't actually fight. More like my mother was unhappy with something and would explode at him. Sometimes she would take out this abuse on me as well. On top of that, my brother was autistic. I guess... I was stressed out a lot at home, though I never really thought about it much. My brother and I would get into violent fights all the time. My brother actually sent me to the hospital once (I was hit really hard in the head with a high-heel shoe and started bleeding).

I was always scared of my mom. Our whole family was. Whenever she came home my brother and I would hide from her because we were terrified. When it was just me, him, and my dad at home things weren't too bad. This always changed when my mom was home. I can't think of a time when I wasn't at least somewhat intimidated/frightened of her. To this day, hearing a garage door open or close makes me jumpy.

When I was 13, I came home one day from church with my brother and I saw my dad leaving the house with a suitcase. He packed a lot of his stuff and had a friend waiting for him outside. My brother tried to stop him, but he left. I wanted to stop him, but at the same time I felt I had no right to. I knew how my dad felt. I couldn't blame him for leaving. A few days before it, I remember my mother asked my dad to help her make business cards. My... mother is very difficult when it comes to requests. She's often really vague and doesn't know what she wants. However, as soon as you make something she becomes perfectionist and will correct every little thing until she's satisfied.

They got into a huge fight over it and he decided to sleep downstairs in the extra bedroom. She came into the room really late at night and exploded at him. The next day I saw him laying in his car really deep in thought. I... kind of already knew he was going to leave. I was just hoping he would take me with him. Both me and my brother were hoping this.

My brother actually tried to go with him. My dad abandoned him at a police station. I also understand why, but I couldn't forgive him for it.

The divorce was messy and violent. My mother, predictably, tried to use us as a means to get him back. She threatened us several times to try to get his address from us, but neither of us knew. She said if we cared about the family at all that we'd tell her and beg him to come back. I hated it. Very quickly I decided I had enough and that I didn't want anything to have to do with it.

I remember my school required me to see a counselor. But I really wondered if it was for the right reasons. The woman, while I think her heart was in the right place, really wasn't very helpful. I had a generic group therapy session, but nothing really got done. I realized later that she couldn't get anything done. No one could.

My mother has always been abusive. Not just physically, but also emotionally and psychologically. She'll do anything to maintain control. I think... it's because she feels that her own life is out of control and thus has to abuse something else for stability. Since my dad left, that foundation was me.

Don't get me wrong, she was abusive before my dad left. I don't remember too much, but I do remember being asked by my kindergarten teacher if I was being abused and lying about it. However, I think it only got worse after he did. When I was younger I showed an interest in learning piano. I quickly grew to hate piano. I wanted to learn how to play because it seemed like it was fun. However, she wanted me to play so she would have something to brag about and also for her own personal amusement. If I didn't practice for the amount of time she wanted me to, she'd verbally abuse me. She'd tell me that I'm selfish and worthless, but the excuse she always went to was money. She wasted so much money and worked so long- How dare I waste that money?

I felt bad and I was scared, so I kept practicing even though I hated it. I was happy to finally quit once I graduated high school. Anytime I did something, it always had to be for her. If I did something for myself, it didn't matter.

Growing up, I was really jealous of other girls and their relationships with their mothers. At graduations and events, I felt like I was the only one who's parent wasn't there. I wasn't mad since I knew my mom was working, but I felt really lonely. I wanted her to be there to support me.

The only thing she cared about was other people's daughters and how much better they were at everything than me. She'd talk about it all the time. Nothing I could do would make me better. Nothing I could do would earn me her recognition. I felt... awful.

My mother never provided any kind of emotional support. If I failed, I failed alone and would earn her wrath. If I did well, then that just meant that she wouldn't get mad at me. She was never interested in my hobbies or who I liked. She could barely remember the names of my friends and what I did in my spare time had no interest for her. If I took an interest that was outside of what she wanted she would become angry or even violent.

When I was in middle school, I chose to take an elective wheel over band or choir. I think... I felt a little self-conscious when it came to music for various reasons. One of the classes involved Woodshop. I liked it. I didn't normally get to learn about something like that, so I took interest.

She found my Woodshop textbook and we exploded into an argument. I remember she threw it at me... I think at my head. She missed and it hit the wall.

Throwing things at me was pretty common. I remember a lot of things she threw at me. One time she threw a camera so hard that it broke when it hit the door and left a dent. There was also a time she broke a clipboard on my back. More than one occasion where she'd use a stick or a rolled up newspaper to hit me. More than one time where she ransacked my room and threw a lot of different things at me.

She was also not only abusive towards me. I always felt uncomfortable talking about my social life with her. I still do. She always made fun of and talks bad about my friends. She still does. She'll make fun of them or call them "average" or "weird" and tell me that I could do better. She still does this. I feel really uncomfortable talking about my social life with her.

High school was not much better. She'd explode over small things. My grades were an issue. I did well in the classroom, but I had a homework issue. She was also extremely paranoid.

When I was 16, I told her I would be back late. I was going to a high school dance party with my boyfriend. I got back really late... like at 11pm. She flipped out at me. We got into an argument and she cornered me in the kitchen and hit me with a broom handle. I used my arms to defend myself and ended up with a bruise that covered half my arm.

I went to school the next day and laughed it off. I really did not realize how people would see it. Naturally, I was sent to the counselor's office. That... that was really bad and I regretted it. I remember police involvement. Feeling really betrayed and alone. I was blamed by my entire family for the situation. My father wanted to see me and I went with him to dinner, he dropped me off at the police station to testify.

I think I was blamed by my teachers as well. I remember one of my teachers said something along the lines of- "if you do better in school then that kind of thing won't happen".

Sorry... this is actually too long and there's actually more to this story. I'll leave it at this for now. It's also hard to type out all of this too. I'll read it over again later and figure out how to condense it. Maybe I should write a book.

[nicenaive]

requesting a space for my story..thank you.

[Stoicman86]

I am interested in posting.

[mmkr]

Can I post a topic on here? I would like some support on what I am going through.

[me]

Hi, I'm new here. Don't really now what I'm doing here, just looking for some support from other lost souls I guess. I was sexually abused by my brother from 9 years old until about 13 (when I started my period). We are both adopted from different families and he seemed to think this made it all ok. I have told mum and dad who really don't seem to care that much and after a life time of trouble / prison etc. he is now the golden boy. For some reason in the past couple of months (I am 38 turning 39) the memories are so much more vivid than before. I can smell and taste him ! I don't know how to make it go away.

[bean0220]

As I flood my eyes with all these emotional tears I'm so lost..Flash backs..Night mares..Torture..Sexual,Physical and mental abuse, How do I begin I can't even talk..I just feel sick all over..

[servicedogsrawesome]

A four year old girl fighting off a 25 yr old selfish, vindictive, angry, self centered,incredibly sexual, drunk man who believes women's  body's are simply for sex, childbearing, and serving a husband. Who is celebrating and partying with his friends the arrival of his firstborn son. 

She cries at him and cries "stop!" He  prys her legs apart. She doesn't know what is happening but she knows it is bad and it burns. she screams but no one hears her. And suddenly she knows a sensation that she has never felt and she is terrified. Her immature genitals are slick and hot and suddenly her mind is gone and her spirit is no longer there. 

[alfacharlieecho]

I am just tired. This is a whine, I guess. After moving across country and cutting all contact for years she lured me back through her contact with my grown child and convincing her to move back here. I, adoring my grandchildren, of course followed.

Nothing has changed. she is still the same manipulative ***** that she always was and is playing her sick games again with her favorite kick toy.

She has worked up to wanting unsupervised overnight visits with my grandchildren. When I resisted, after being confronted, she gave me a special birthday present. It was just a block on facebook, which I rarely even read but it hurt. Stupid, dumb thing, but it hurt.

She's playing my daughter and I against one another. My daughter no longer believes me and told me I was being childish when I begged her not to let the kids go there alone, to please please please just always be there with them. I thought that was a reasonable request considering the history. This is not a control issue, it is a protection issue for little children. No she doesn't have all the gory details but she knows enough not to leave the grandkids with her. My mother dangles money and presents and houses and cars in front of her until she follows like she's in a trance. I can't compete with that.

There is a long horrific story behind all this, as I know we all have. I just don't understand WHY I fall for it every stinking time. She starts of with being so sweet and honoring boundries and then moves to the games and breaking down the boundries. Playing people agaist each other that I thought were unbreakable.

How does one person carry so much power. I don't try to give it to her, but somehow I always do.

Had to take a short LOA from work because I am breaking apart over being so scared for the kids. I'm a mess and don't have the team of mental health providers behind me that I had across the country. Am trying ot get help but it is a slow go in this part of the country. They don't know what a 14 step program is for PTSD people. They "don't treat that". Well maybe they could help with the anxiety, the severe depression, all that goes along with being sexually, physically and mentally abused for so long. Yes, I am angry and just striking out at the system that failed me here before, when I was young.

Ok, so, I'm tired. I want to give up, not suicide, just not have to worry about my grandchildren being molested or abused. To have her stop working me and my daughter against each other. I can't give up. They are worth it.

The options seem to be

A. Call the district attorney that knows the whole story and seeing if he will sit down with my daughter and better explain to her what happened and what a mess I was from it. (Have a call in)

B. Call the therapists that helped me when it came out. (Going in Friday)

C. Call CPS. Out of the question. Foster care? I can't be the cause of that and I can't let her hurt them. Because of mine and my husband's health I don't think they would send them to us and I don't want them taken away from my daughter, I just want her to wake up and protect them.

One more whine. The final straw was my daughter not believing me. One of the biggest holds they have is if anyone will believe us. I thought my child would. Maybe she believes me but would rather I just shut up and sit down and let things be "normal".

From: a fellow survivor in crisis, yet again. Thank you for listening. To everyone that hurts this way, I am so sorry. Child abuse has to be stopped. Children deserve protection. Otherwise we carry it and carry it and carry it.

[CAgirlinTX]

I was sexually abused by my older brother from the age of 5 to 11. It occured nearly everyday and even though I opened up to my parents when I was 7, they were too wrapped up in the drug abuse to protect me. They continued to let it happen. They would lock themselves in their room for hours at a time and that was when the abuse happened. My brother did perverse things to me, made me do things to him, and even made my other brother do things to me as well. I have a lot of anger towards my family and others that were around me after I came out about it again when I was 12. To start off, I told my mother when I was about 14 when we were driving. She lashed out and started calling me a liar and all sorts of other names. When we got home, she asked my brother if it was true. He told her it was and didn't deny it at all. Immediately, I was put into counciling. The next day while I was at school (now a freshman in high school) I had CPS show up and they started questioning me about the abuse. They had police officers there and I was eventually taken from the school by police car to the local children's shelter. I was completely embarassed. I was told that because they could not get ahold of my brother, I had to be removed from my home. While I was in the shelter, I was so scared. I didn't know who anyone was, I couldn't go to school, and the worst part, I couldn't talk to or call anyone. I truely felt like I had done something wrong and I was being punished. My dad (who had now been off drugs for a few years) fought hard to get me out of the shelter and I was allowed to go live with him. I continued to go to counciling for years after, but I never truely felt any closer. I never felt any sort of remorse from my brother. My family swept it all under the rug and I dont feel like my family ever recognized the pain I went through. I have never felt like he has been held accountable for what he did to me. Now at 24, Im ready to heal from this. Im convinced that I will never forget and I will live with it for the rest of my life, but I want to feel some sort of closure within myself.

[mommyandwife]

Hi,

I have some terrible memories, I can't suppress them any longer and I really need to talk about them. Sometimes it's as if the memories happened yesterday; maybe everything is stronger now because I have a child myself, and I can't fathom how as a parent anyone could ever harm or hurt their child. I think the best gift I can give my son is to not be constantly riddled with these horrible memories....I might never forget them; but I really want to quit feeling so terrible.