[pennylane]

I'm sure that others can relate to this-but it's so hard for me to still acknowledge that I was abused. I catch myself trying to talk myself out of it almost-I was older when I was abused, and I just caught myself thinking "well I was older, maybe it's not such a big deal. I should've been able to deal with it". (I was around ten/eleven when the abuse really began if you are wondering).
I recently cut off contact with my abuser-my father. I felt that being in that relationship was more harmful to me that it was good and that I wasn't handling it well. I needed time to do just this-try to heal myself.
It's crazy how we are treated when we are children greatly influences our patterns and behavior. The "survivor to thriver" manual has been a godsend-it points out likely patterns that people who experienced abuse likely do, or traits they have, and reading that is like a light bulb of "oh, okay, I DID get abused".
I think one of the hardest things for me is that my father constantly denied it. He still does to this day-he says things like "I've never been physical in my life" or he excuses away the times that he was horrible because he claims that he is "sick" when in reality I've come to see that he's a pain-killer seeking/abusing man. He was a nurse, so he knows was to say to get what pain killers he wants-"constant lower back pain".
It's hard for me to acknowledge that the relationship is gone forever now. I used to cut off contact with him for periods of time when we would get in fights and because I am away at school I could do so-but it is only now that I am acknowledging the things that are lost-the father daughter dance at the wedding, having my children (well, someday children, I don't have any yet) not having a normal grandmother/grandfather and having to explain that Mommy's dad was a bad man.
I am so grateful to everyone here, and a thanks to anyone that responds. I'm just venting/getting things off my chest. Feels good to post it here-makes me feel like I'm not just keeping it inside. Progress I guess?
Thanks guys!

[pennylane]

Also-any advice on how to know when you are ready to move from stage 1 to stage 2? Do you just know? Does it not matter? What have others found or think about it?
I've gone through the steps but I think that it has to get much worse before it gets better, you know? I think I'm trying to be in a rush and get through everything, so just looking for guidance.

[pd]

You came to visit me, so I thought I would return the favor. I do not know all the answers and someone can correct if I misunderstood it, but I think you can go at your own pace, whether fast or slow. With that being said, it is important that each stage is met. It seems like you can re-experience it again if it wasn't fully met. Not that things are regulated so strictly that you have to go in perfect order. It is not wrong to reuse a step if it will help.

It sounds like you are farther than me, that's wonderful.

You must have read that survivors often minimize the abuse. Anytime abuse or trauma radically changes you and the way you view life, you have serious consequences to a severe abuse. Accepting it is one of the steps that helps, but it is one I struggle with, too. Keep working on it, and I wish you all success, peace, and healing. I hope this helps!

[21littlesteps]

Hi Pennylane

It has taken me in the neighborhood of forty years to acknowledge that I was abused and that just happened last week. I am having a similar question to yours. I have read steps one and two and have started writing as suggested in step 3. I don't think I have accomplished either of the objectives of the first two steps but I needed to feel like I was doing something positve. I am meditating, I find new age music helps greatly with clearing my mind. I also have determined without doubt that I was abused. Although I can remember only one episode and I know there were more, I just don't remember them. I feel like I am going too fast through the steps. Any advice for us out there?

[jshire]

I got stuck at step 4 and couldn't finish. I skimmed through a few other steps and put the manual aside for a few months. Now looking through it again, I still haven't completely done step 4, but I've done a few other steps without realizing it, like acknowledging that none of what happened was my fault. That I had no control. Not hurting myself, being aware of my problem areas and inner child or controlling my anger. I still have a problem with Step 11 and 12 but somehow am okay with 13. So I haven't gotten to the mourning or being able to confront anyone yet but I think ultimately all these things will happen just maybe not in the listed order. Sometimes you just have to step away and come back later. Sometimes it turns out you've done some steps without thinking too hard about it. Sometimes you have to re-visit a step. There are no rules, only how you feel and if you think you're really healing. That's been my experience with it so far.

[21littlesteps]

In step 3 self help section the manual mentions on line meetings but I see no other referneces or information about them. Does anyone have information about this?

Thanks

[Jack Turner]

Hi Penny,
I agree with Jshire and 21, I've gone through a number of steps, and some I just breeze through, others I get a stomach ache just reading and can't look at them again for a while. Like you, my abuse started (as far as I can remember) when I was 12, right after my parents divorced. That was back in the early 70s, but I only just outed my mother (abuser) to her sister and other family on New Year's eve. Since then I've been trying to work through all this. It seems more difficult to deal with now than before.

Now that it's out in the open, I can't stand being around her, to the degree that I moved about 200 miles. Since January 1 I've been trying to "get over it", i.e. recover my sense of self and identity and move on with my life, but it's getting more difficult, not less. Honestly, I don't think I understand. I've put my whole life on hold trying to straighten this mess out. Some days I'm okay and seem to be clearing out the cobwebs and dust from all the dark little corners in my past, other days I just sit and hold on, trying not to be overcome with fear or despair or whatever those emotions are which trying to derail my existence.

I often come here to read but hardly ever post, even though I know that I feel better after posting something, it's still really hard to know what to say. I seem to second-guess myself a lot. I also wonder, what exactly is "healed"? It's not like it's going to be swept under the rug and forgotten about. If that were true, I was "healed" before I outed my mom. Maybe it's when I can face what happened, talk about it and think about it without being overcome with emotion/fear? That would be nice.

Anyway, sorry if I just hi-jacked your space to get my own stuff out there, but I felt a bit of kinship in the age-at-time-of-abuse and with 21 because of my current age (it's taken me 30+ years to open up about this).

Best of luck to you all.
Be safe.
JT

[21littlesteps]

I don't know when you or I will be healed, but right now I would be happy if I could stop sabotaging relationships. I also found a therapist to work with. I go for my second appointment Thursday. Hopefully she can lead me in the right direction. I felt much more hopeful that I could curtail my destructive behaviors after meeting with her. If you don't have a therpist I recommend getting one.

Regards

21

[LouisaMayAlcott]

These steps? Are they helping? I'm already so wiped out, but if there are people out there progressing, I want to push through and keep going.

Step 1 -- Remembering. This is where I am and it sucks so much! I feel like I was much better off pretending I was just a normal woman with normal feelings who slept through the night. But I am not.

The anxiety medication I was on dropped me last Spring. It just stopped working. The doctor suggested upping the dosage. My body couldn't tolerate it. The typical stuff -- massive weight gain, drenching sweats. I weaned off. It was a hellish Fall getting off that drug. And now that the medication is completely out of my system, I am having flashbacks and horrible nightmares, waking memories and a lot of emotional pain. It is almost like the medication was a scab and now that scab has been ripped off and I am weeping blood. Seems so dramatic. But that is how I feel today.

I can't even pretend I'm okay anymore. My body and my heart won't let me. It is like they have gone on strike -- work through this -- we can't carry it anymore. Does that sound nuts? I've been experimenting with a natural path -- acupuncture, herbs and supplements, meditation, yoga, hikes, talk therapy. Therapist and Psychiatrist both say that if I can cope with the natural path that I am trying that it is best to try to work through the PTSD -- to remember and release. Gave me Valium for the really tough days. Honestly though? There are days when I want that scab back. That bandaid. Whatever that chemical was that made all these demons tiny and inconsequential. Right now, I'm drowning.

Intellectually -- I understand it all. I understand now that the things that went on in my childhood were not normal and did not happen in all homes. Emotionally? No. I don't get it. I don't understand the cruelty. Cannot fathom a person who is so evil, so selfish that they would torture a child. That is what I cannot get past.

The memories are truly terrible. I can't sleep.

I also hate seeing the world as I am seeing it now. A place to be wary of. A place to fear. I do not want to live like this. I also do not want to go back to pretending, if I am very honest with myself. As hard as this all is, I want it out of my body. I want to exist in the world without a drug to help me cope. I want to sleep through the night without a nightmare. I want to move on.

Today... I don't know how to do that. I guess that is why I came here. To talk to someone who gets it. The two closest people in my life sympathize, are horrified, but cannot relate. And that makes me feel like some pathetic creature who needs to be pitied. I don't want that. I want... release. And I really, really, really want a full night's sleep.

And... thanks to those who read this. Does anyone else get tired of their own voice? Of their own thoughts going round and round and round? Especially when those thoughts make you cry? And then -- well -- my nose gets red and people think I'm sick or they stare and wonder at the woman who had been crying before life called and she could not ignore it and she had to go out in public. Blergh.

[pd]

LouisaMayAlcott, I am sorry that your road is so hard. I understand being afraid. I understand frustration. I understand knowing in the head with the heart not getting it. Medication issues, just another blockage and hurdle as you try to make your journey to thrive, not, just survive. You are not alone. Sending you support and care. The journey is hard, of course, you are wiped out. Learn to to take small steps, learn to shelve it at times, by soothing and taking care of yourself. By the way, Louisa May Alcott is one of my favorite authors. Cool name.

[LouisaMayAlcott]

Thank you, pd. Reading that I am not alone -- while I hate the idea of anyone suffering -- does make me feel better.

I do love Louisa May Alcott's books! I still read Little Women once a year. One of the few nice memories from my childhood is a tree house. I hid there often with a stack of books from the library. I had this bucket and made my own pulley rope system so that I could get more than one book up there at a time. Reading was a wonderful escape from my mother's madness and my father's cowardice.

Once, as a punishment, my mother grounded me from going to the library for a month. Things had been pretty good. She hadn't had any episodes in awhile and I had stopped treading lightly. One very early morning she dragged me from my bed by my hair. She liked to wake me up that way when she had an important lecture to perform. She sat me in a kitchen chair. She went on and on about how she had conceived me out of wedlock and wanted to have me aborted but she was afraid of the fire of Hell. That I was her punishment for being weak in her body. That I had ruined her dreams of becoming a famous singer. How she was now trapped in a life that she did not want and that it was my fault. That I owed her. Obedience. Love. My life. If I started to fall asleep, she would yank my hair to wake me up. Sometimes she yanked so hard that she pulled my hair out. This went on until the light of morning, until my little brothers began to wake up. They were very quiet when they saw us there. They did their best to become invisible. The Beast had once again awoken and they were frightened. I was ten.

I went to school. I was so tired. I fell asleep in class and when the teacher woke me up, I burst into tears. I felt so exhausted and scared and confused. I didn't know yet what 'out of wedlock' meant, I just knew I was not wanted and I was not loved. I couldn't tell them why I had fallen asleep in class. The school called my mother. She was embarrassed by their questions as to why I was so tired. She was also furious. Another lecture accompanied by my father's leather belt. And the grounding.

The minute I was free to read something other than religious text, I treated myself to The Hobbit and The Lord of the Ring Trilogy. Before I had been intimidated by their size -- but no longer. I devoured them. We recently had a marathon movie weekend with our child and we watched the trilogy. This weekend we will watch The Hobbit. How strange and yet wonderful it was to have this memory triggered by these movies, to take a moment to myself and cry. To have a new, good memory replace the old one. All of us cuddled together on the couch on a rainy day watching an epic story of bravery and true friendship.

And now, writing it here, I feel the last of it's significance draining from me. Now I can I really let it go. Wow. What a load off!

I'm new here. Is this what the forum is for? To share these things? To work through them this way? It's so cathartic. But is it appropriate? This is one of the more mild incidents. There are far darker memories. Is sharing okay?

[LouisaMayAlcott]

Thank you as well, pd -- for sending care and support. I want to send care and support back to you should you ever need it...

[LouisaMayAlcott]

And what I just did... purging that story, did I hijack this space? If so, I'm so sorry pennylane! Please forgive me?

[21littlesteps]

There are different schools on remembering. My therapist is of the school that you don't have to dredge up all the old memories unless not remembering is holding you back. I don't remember much. 1 event actually (that I am about to post about, please read and comment) although I know there were more. I can't stress enough to find a therapist that you are comfortable with. I am well educated but I would not know how to proceed even with this site to help. blessings and healing to you and to you too, penny lane

21

[pennylane]

Hello all! I took a bit of break from this forum, and the booklet, because it was just overwhelming...I can pretend for a pretty long time that I'm okay and I had a lot of school/work happening. But, as I realize that I'm checking behind the shower curtain because somehow the child in me is afraid that my dad is there to attack me (though he lives far away and I lock my door religiously) and that I can't sleep without the lights on or alone...I realized that perhaps it's time I come back. Time to do some more "work" on myself.
As for everyone that has posted here thank you so much for doing so! Louise May Alcott, thanks for sharing your story-this isn't my space at all, this is all of ours. We're all on the same journey, different paths, but the same goal is in mind for most of us.
I hope everybody can find peace in their own time.
Oh-I don't remember who posted this but about the remembering things...I find that if I don't acknowledge that they happened, and write about them (writing is my release for all of this, really, a way of making it) then I push it into the back of my mind and continue to pretend that it didn't happen. Even just starting to incorporate the idea that I am "survivor" and someone that was abused into my self-identity has been huge.
Again, thanks all. I'll be visiting/posting more, so I hope to see you all here!
Much love.
-PennyLane