safe and lonely

dinowoman · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 4

my parents forbade me to talk about what goes on at home at school .

and i was smaller and the blunt of most jokes and pranks. i was not allowed to hit back or be suspended i was treatened with death.

The i'll kill you if you hurt your mother or disrupt this family at kindergarden age.

but i was shown cruelly all kind of cruel ways to deal with bullies by my father

and told the horiffic stories of what kids will do to you if you show your weaknesses....father ex mititary.....marine division

i feel alone often and ask god to please give me a hug then laugh at myself.. then ask him to send me someone to who can some times i can and do. lol sometimes i hug myself like the kids who were abandoned in the forien aid infomercials the self hug sometimes helps but actually talking helps most
love-godbless dino

cagreene · Joined: 25 Mar 2009 Posts: 3

Hi, i am also new to this forum today and I struggles with many of the same things that have been discussed - relationships are very difficult and the few friends that I have i tend to be the one who gives more support rather than receive it. Even when I am having a really difficult time, I have tried to confide in friends about my feelings and somehow the conversation shifts to them talking about their struggles. I have a hard time asking for what I need, knowing what I need, or believing that I desrerve support. I seem to have gotton through life somewhat better until the last 6 years. It has never been easy, but i feel like I am more often stuck in feeling like my child self and not as able to distance from those feelings and access the adult self who can be more nurturing and compassionate to myself. Can anyone relate to this. I am in my late 30's and have tried to build a life for myself, but I am not managing things effectively.

dinowoman · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 4

i have a hard time taking care of me first. i often allow other people to dictate what i am surpose to do they often leave out the get some rest when you need it part. if you have a bath tub showering, the soaking is the first step. then shower again to get the soak off. kind of re-energizing helps. then praying to god for guidance . knowing the things my parent taught me were not all wrong but most of them were helps a little. think of the ideal life then down scale it to fit reality. actively tell yourself you are not going to panic- but you do any way i panic while i am tring to calm myself down stick to a memory of a voice that has calming memories attacthed to it . remember to drink fruit juices they give your body a kick start on digesting the foods you need. and remember water helps. i have to go through the books and info that i have read. and read them several times first time in my scared echo of tring to read . then in my i have read this before confident me. then in the third time i read it in the you need to do this there is help tone in my head. my i am helping someone else to calm down tone. that i learned from hearing others speak with what sounds like confidence. to remember to drink water it doesn't always help. but i do know that the key to healing the mind is going to have to start with healing the symptoms my body is trying to tell me while i am wrapped up in getting past the bad try comfort beverages as they go through the system easier like cool water. not hot not too cold. my body responds better to them and what juices don't produce to much acid to come back up when i get upset? i am trying to focus on these. trying to follow the usda guide lines when eating if i could only do it. just stop and focus on me maybe i could get better phsyically and mentally cause maybe gods-everything in moderation plan would then work. and my feet wouldn't hurt so badly when i accidentally put on 2 extra pounds cause i would be less inclined to put on the 2 extra pounds the difference between a slight cnstant pain and a sever constant pain and i could be less crabby toward others while i am trying to be mindful of theirs so they don't hurt mine.

dinowoman · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 4

i often think faster than i can speak or type. i have a limited time span on the internet as i share this computer with 5 other household members. my stepdaughter is now behind me waiting to get on i haven't finished my allowed 1 hour session because my body shut down when i layed down for a few to stop the world from spinning- i had allowed myself to dehydrate by ignoring what my body was trying to tell me with the elevated drying of salava in my mouth. i should have gotten something to drink before i went to the computer. so i am going to do so now. all i was trying to say is i am trying to pay attention to what my body is telling me. so i can help me to be a good person and gain friends and respect and find my true self the one hiding in this body the only body i have so i am responsible for taking care of it. i must be responsible for nurturing it as if were my child. i have no family or friends to do it for me. I grew up in a self centered family. and i am trying to teach my kids to help each other when i am married to a virtually unresponsive spouse. i try to ask what is bothering but he won't speak on it. due to how he was raised. his mother is living in our home and dictating how we should live in our home. she moved from her out of state home 6 years ago and proceeded to dictate how we should live it sort of works because i am to weak to stand up for myself. Emotionally i panic. and try to avoid her physical wrath as she is much larger than i am.

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

thats a question for Google, one that can be answered by reading the google TOS. I dont even wanna know why you want to know that. Please, go to open agenda and post this question to DianaJoy, she may be able to help you. This thread however is not an appropriate place to have such (pardon me if this sounds rude) petty discussions.

Dinowoman - you are right, you need to listen to your body and YOU are the only one that's going to take care of yourself, this is something I often forget. I hope your family life is calmer, or that you've found the strength to stand up to your m-n-l and resolve some of those feelings. I hope that you are doing well.

DianaJoy · Site Admin Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 479

It was a spam post - trying to drive traffic to an ad site. I've deleted it.

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

lol thanks DianaJoy :-)

beverly · Joined: 04 Aug 2009 Posts: 1

It's so hard because when the source of all love and comfort are your parents and they betray and violate you as a child (and an aging adult) to ever believe that someone could ever love you. That is a feat when abused children don't know what love it or mistake any further abuse for love.
I have been hurt so much because of this deep rooted self-defeating way I live my life. I am afraid to get close to anyone. And what I am, what has been bread in me is abuse, my negative energy seems to be a magnet for people that want to humiliate me.

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

Welcome to the forum!

It can change, and your being here is the first step to doing just that. Recognizing your "bad habits" or "bad tendancies", you ability to drift towards abusive people, how you interact with ppl in general. there are a lot of us here that have those exact same feelings, you are not alone.

Just keep posting beverly, it does get better, I swear.

dare2dream · Joined: 09 Aug 2009 Posts: 12 Location: West Virginia

I totally understand the No Friends issue.

It is like I survived this thing, but it made me so different I can't relate to others. Their drama seems so petty - I've fought for physical survival, mental survival. I have chronic pain because my body is that of a "retired boxer" - falling apart because it was never meant to take that kind of punishment for 20 years. I've lost a huge chunk of my hearing, I have horrible arthritis, back injuries, even long term concussion related brain damage. Some of my visible physical scars are from my childhood and they will never go away. I went gray at 21! from the stress!

Well meaning people ask about them. Or a doctor asks about previous injuries. It means I have to give some kind of answer. I used to make up stories about them. I denied. Some lies were told so often, I even started to believe them. Some secrets so buried, I couldn't even share them with the people I was the most intimate or closest to. No one wants to hear my "war stories". So, you learn to keep a distance. It makes you seem cold, so you use humor - but if you are always the clown, no one takes you seriously and your the "good time" friend. These aren't people who will stick by you in a crisis - after all, you are just their entertainment.

I try so hard to be self-sufficient, to not need anyone for anything. My worst nightmares are coming up with references on job applications, or worse having to hear people tell me I need to "network". I actually get anxious and stressed if I have to be around people too long (even family). I seem to NEED time by myself. I hate using the phone, I'd rather text or email you.

Even if I can get over feeling inadequate, or worthless - I can't seem to get past the feeling different. So, I have made a point to LOOK different, and be "eccentric" if I want to. (Its another suit of armor, I know). I spent my childhood and young adult life trying to appear "normal", to do "normal things" - but was miserable. I was living a lie. So, I am trying to just be me. I don't go into detail, but at times when someone asks about my mother or family - I just say we aren't close, if they ask why, I just tell them "I didn't have a happy childhood" and drop the conversation. If someone asks if I'm okay - I don't go into detail, I say "I'm sorry, was I frowning? I'm in a bit of pain today, but I didn't realize it showed." and move on to another subject. I have to acknowledge the question, but I don't have to go into detail, or give up anything I am not comfortable with. This seems to be working. I don't have a "BFF", but I am slowly coming out of my shell.

I focus on the present (school, work, recent events). I don't talk about my past. I don't talk about things that make me uncomfortable. I try to avoid being negative. Doesn't always work. I think I try hard to focus on today and tomorrow - what CAN I DO, what will make me HAPPY - seeing a movie with my grown children, making art (that helps A LOT). I am spending less time alone and more time with others, even if it is mostly group situations. Having adult ADHD and being hard of hearing makes it difficult in social situations, but I joke about it - more people understand ADHD so, they tend to be forgiving if I get hyper or loud. If they can't handle that, then I just move on.

I am a good person. And I am worthy of friends and "family". Not everyone is going to "like" me, that is okay. Even if only 6 people on this planet think I'm cool and will chat with me - then I'm fine with that. I try to remember that I survived 20 years of Hell, so, I am strong, brave and resilient. I am my own hero. Going to college was something denied me, my parents tried to stomp anything creative out of me - so going for an art degree (and an honor student, top of my field of study) has gone such a long way to improving my self-esteem and is making it easier to make friends. I am willing to try new things - because I know there are worse things than failure. The worst anyone can do now is say "no" - eh, how scary is a "no"?!? I lived in fear for 18 years after I left home, I don't want to spend another day in fear. So, I put on my big girl panties and without taking stupid risks, I do try new things.

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

Yup, I definetly understand how you feel there!!! i have no friends either, and it seems the only time i've ever had "friends" was times others have wanted to (in some way) take advantage of me....seem to attract those types of ppl. Even my very first friends, were girls that wanted me around because i made them feel better about themselves. I wasn't an early bloomer, and due to the sexual abuse, i kept myself WELL covered, so girls wanted me around cuz they felt prettier cuz i didn't look so great. Sounds bad but its the truth, i was always the ugly girl. was poor to boot, rags for cloths, so that didn't help....dont think that even if i had money it would have helped, still dressed in the baggiest cloths i could find.

As for the battle scars... i have those too, but only 2 can be seen when I'm dressed, so not a whole lot of questions, but i understand the uneasiness there is when someone asks. I never did find a good answer, id pretend i didn't hear the question and change the subject. or walk away, call me rude, i dont really give a damn lol kinda a side affect of not having friends.

I started college while my abuser was still at home, he told me i shouldn't go for a technical degree because women aren't good at math n logic (basically, he worded it in a more manipulative fashion "maybe business or marketing would be better suited for you, theres a lot of math, yada yada" but what he meant is "thats not girls work"...the evil sexist racist bastard)

ANyways, told me i shouldn't work on computers for a living....I was 17 at the time, and HATED him, so I did it anyways. I did it just to spite him, even tho i did genuinley have an interest in computer forensics and security. It felt good to rub it in his face, it felt even better to know I'm REALLY good at what i do. Not to toot my horn....but i am good lol.

I think my interest was spurred because he was a online predator, and anything i can do to stop those sick f***s from ruining someone else's life, i will do. And i feel good doing it.

Ofcourse, when i graduated i didn't end up doing what i wanted to do, am working for a company now and take care of their network (phone n computer), but hope one day i'll get a job more related to preventing crime on the web. Preventing child related crimes in particular.

Reading what you said about doing everything trying to be "normal" and being miserable...reminds me of me, a lot. I do strive for some sort of normalacy, like its the ultimate goal, but i DO feel very different, well...guess after years of abuse anyone feels "different", but ... u know what i mean? I feel like im reaching for something that will always be out of reach, and im not comfortable pretending, but its what everyone expects me to do, so i do it, even tho .... i dont like it. After reading ur post....maybe i shouldn't? Maybe i should do and be what im most comfortable being... which would work all until i had to go to work... the one place everyone has to be "normal"...

dare2dream · Joined: 09 Aug 2009 Posts: 12 Location: West Virginia

Yeah, I decided to stop being "normal" - after all what exactly is "NORMAL" anyway. I don't drink or do drugs, I have only one tattoo (from like 20 years ago), and I don't engage in risky behavior (no bungee jumping). LOL

But I LIKE punk rock music (Green Day), I'm fascinated by tattoo art, and I stopped trying to drop the last 10 lbs (okay, more like 15). I love the color red (hmmm, red is an aggressive color), black and I think skulls are fun to wear anyway I can. I don't want to be 21 again, but not going to go wine tastings and wear polyester because its what 40+ yr old women are "supposed" to do. I listen to the music I like, even if my friend describes it as "music to slit your wrists by".... and if I wanna where tiny black skull earrings, I'll wear them. If I look more like Abby from NCIS than Martha Stewart - so WHAT! I'm happy! I like dark humor, Dr. Who, Being Human, and find Failblog hilarious! I wear Happy Bunny jammies to bed.

I went to school because it was something I was good at in high school (and earlier). My art teachers were my favorites, they gave me encouragement, and the room and materials were a sanctuary for me. It was an escape. I was offered the chance to go to a good art school, but my mother made it impossible. I joined the military "because the circus wasn't hiring" and did it to run away from home. I was forced to take business classes in high school (my mother pushed for vocational school since I obviously wasn't "college material") and ended up getting secretarial jobs. I hated that work. I was miserable. And always had that nagging "what if" - "I coulda been a contender" crap running in my head followed by her voice telling me I couldn't.

It was part of healing my inner child - she gets to play with color pencils, and paints and loves it! lol. Also, I get a huge reward from getting good grades, there's a lot of self-validation when I exhibit work and even better when I sell one. My children finally have a role model in me. Also, it puts me that much closer to being in control or at least feeling like I am in control of my life. Better employment opportunities, a field I enjoy, goals, financial freedom (oh, yeah, student loans...lol), but I am doing what I WANT to do. For the first time in my life, my future is about choices, dreams and hope. I'm not following someone else's lead, I'm not ducking, or trying to be invisible. (My favorite color used to be brown, really, I'm not joking - WHO lists BROWN as their favorite color?!?) Trying to shut that crazy voice in my head - trying to break those old records that keep replaying in my head (stupid, lazy, useless, etc.)

I have even been thinking of becoming an art teacher. Yeah, I'm crazy. I'll be paying student loans when I start collecting social security. I won't make a million dollars, no stock portfolio, no IRA. I will probably pass from this world without reaching any of the markers my mother thinks mean success. But I will be happy. I WILL be happy? I AM HAPPY!

Okay, so it just feels good to go neaner neaner to my mom, when I can tell her I exhibited two pieces over the weekend and sold one! When I see that I'm going to get a degree with at LEAST Cum Laude and my teachers almost didn't let me get my high school diploma! "Revenge" like this is sweet!

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

Hehe revenge is sweet!

I went to school because i had the ability to go for free...and it got me the hell out of my house. Like i said, i was 17 at the time and my sexual abuser still lived with us...it was more just a way to keep me safe rather than ever being something i wanted to do. Again, i choose computer science cuz he said i "couldnt" lol and i am good at it...but do i like it??? No, not really. It was really more of my mom's job, but i am good at it, it makes good money...so i don't really want to complain ya kno? I did it, it was my first finished accomplishment ever, and i wasn't the highest scoring student, but for the first time i was "known" for good reasons. I worked at the school and attended school for 3 years before i graduated, by that time i was pretty much the go-to girl for homework help and undesireable job tasks...for the first time EVER I knew i was going to be missed when i was gone...and i am, my dean has called me several times trying to get me to come back lol. That makes me feel good.

As for the future, because i am good at what i do, i want to integrate it into something more meaniful to me...but i don't know what. I always liked the thot of catching online predators...being that my sexual abuser was one, it seems like it would be the only way to achieve justice...but then do i or would i like what i was doing???...idk, i like the idea tho, saving maybe someone from being like me. But it doesnt really satisfy "what do i really want to do?"...and i guess ive never known the answer to that question, i always assumed life would be good so long as i wasn't around all these f****ed up ppl.

And i do drink and take drugs and put myself in dangerous situations...so i've obviously got to battle all that...along with all the other crap life tends to like to shove my way. Im sure i'll make it, one day, just wish this whole process could be quick-like....and its not, and my wanting it to be so is keeping me from moving forward. I still just want it to all be over and forgotten and that not even close to the point of being here. Oh well, atleast im working on it right?

I think becoming an art teacher sounds like a lot of fun!! I used to draw/paint when i was younger, was actually pretty good, but they're all very dark and depressing and abstract, still good, just not something i think i could make a career out of...maybe i shouldn't care wether or not i could make a career of it. Still, totally get what ur saying bout letting your inner child play, color, it was very theraputic for me, an outlet for all of my anger. Music was the same way, and i was obsessed with it, learned to play the keyboard and the guitar, not great at either but good at both. Good enough to express myself using both, and thats good enough for me lol, don't need to be perfect.

you're a inspiration! Keep going, show them whos in control!

Emms · Joined: 14 Apr 2009 Posts: 1556 Location: West Midlands UK

Friends? What are friends, eh? I'm weird too and also quite like Greenday, Coldplay and other bands like that. Urban bands I think they call them over here in England now. I still behave like a 15 year old at times and I'm in my late 50s. I'm a music fan, always have been but a lot of my tastes go back to the old blusey guitar stuff from the 60s and 70s. Pink Floyd, Thin Lizzie, Gary Moore, Fleetwood Mac, if you've heard of them in the US, I'm not sure. I like gothic stuff too, not so much skulls but silver Celtic jewellery and that, wrought iron candlesticks, all that stuff. My house is filled with candles in winter.
I also liked art, writing and poetry too at school, but I was never very achedemic. Was way too fat in those days to be good at sport either. I also have had epilepsy since I was 7 years old so I didn't get good grades and never got a good job. But like you say, dare2dream, at least I'm not invisible anymore. Yeah, what's normal? It's what I wanted to be but I now know it just doesn't exist. And I get where you're coming from about the revenge, really do. I think that's why I so want to get this book of my life published, but no one wants to know.

littleb is right, you're an inspiration. I hope you reach all your goals.

littleb · Joined: 20 Mar 2009 Posts: 817

oh yea HUGE pink floyd fan here, HUGE!!!! and Fleetwood Mac, but i guess both of those were pretty big everywhere, never heard of thin lizzie or gary moore...but am only 21 too so, is a bit out of my time, and know a lot more songs from that period than i know the actual names of the artists. (i still totally rock the 60's n 70's bands like The doors and zepplin and lynard skynard and guns n roses) Was a punk fan too tho, like dead kennedys n drop kick murphy n such, greenday, was REALLY into metal for a while

am splitting away from music, cuz I'll talk about it all day

i was good academically speaking, school was the one place i felt safe in, and the only place i really ever got encouragement. I stopped trying to please my parents and started trying to please my teachers, and felt the same validation from a "good job" from them as i did had my mom or dad said it. My mom was VERY smart, and expected us to have all A's in all subjects...so...there was that too. If i got a C in something i was "bad". It never was that way for my younger brothers, my older brother it was expected too, but not my two younger brothers. Never did know why. im seeing now, my little brothers are allowed to do more and are more trusted than i ever was...and i didn't ever have a reason to be suspected until well after the point of suspicion, it wasn't until i had accepted the fact that my parents, my mom, thot i was going to do wrong, lie, no matter what i did or said, that i started acting out, and actually fufilling what i percieved "everyone expected me to be already", some "out of control teen".

But i look normal, i guess, one belly button piercing, other wise no tatoos no crazy hair...i still dress like im living with chester the molester, baggy, unappealing, unrevealing clothing, but its what IM comfortable in so to hell with anyone that doesn't like it. Never felt "right" in a skirt n heels.

Im confused on who i am, am STILL lacking a sense of self....i just "go with it" regardless of what "it" is...i dont know if im cynical or funny or quiet or depressing or all of the above or none of the above?? you wouldn't think you could be so confused about your own self...but there it is, i am confuzzled. I can be outgoing on min and totally withdrawn the next and I dont know which me is the real me, if its the quiet me, or the loud me. (generally loud me comes out when im binge whatever-ing but can pop out if im feeling frisky too)

dont even know how i got to that topic...went from wht i where to who i am? Am confuzzling my self more i think.