[Slisee]

I dont know if this will help anyone but, something that helped me break my regular habits of pushing peopke away when they got too close was understanding the law of attraction, when I first heard it I thought it was the dumbest thing but once I started being more positive about shitty situations, things would turn out better than I expected. Im not saying understanding this solves every problem, but it is what started the turning point in my life! Its so incredibly hard not having anyone to talk to who truly understands you and wont judge you. Im a loner too, I live with a girl ive been friends with since 7th grade and she is my only real friend and still she judges. I just try to step back and look at the big picture in my own head cuz I feel like im the only one who can give myself the right advice. You are all beautiful beings!! Give yourselves some credit for everything youve been through!! You should be so proud of how strong every one of you are!

[healer112]

This is something I have been thinking about myself. I have been a loner big time and find it hard to open up to people or trust. I am very sensitive and shut people away who are not kind to me. I have also been at a receiving end of a lot of envy, having stepped out of a lot of the 'conventional' expectations from a girl/woman in my culture and creating/trying to creat a life of my won accord. The isolation necessary for that came from already growing up isolated. Now, it is something I find confusing. I do long for companionship, a warm friendship, chat once-in-a-while over a cup of coffee and not feel judged about who I am and how I am. In relationships, I have attracted jerks again and again, men that are insecure and try to belittle me to feel OK about themselves. Of throw a tantrum and punish me emotionally for not being a 'loving momma' to them. Most of the men I dated seem to have had harsh mothers like I did and project the harshness and criticism to me. I am tired of having to feel a need to be apologetic for being smart, successful and strong enough to be on this path to begin with. It seemed like a bargain for companionship was to let my self-respect be compromised in some way. An agreement the child in me probably had to make to survive among an abusive family growing up. I was wondering: is it that I am only attracting such people or also that a LOT of people in the world are unconscious dolers of insensitive behaviour? I barely know any man that is healthy emotionally and emotionally available.
On the other end, that question is not so helpful for me. I do have my side to clear. I have had Alston insane jealousies in my relationships and even friendships that has gotten so toxic and depressing that it has been frightening. More on that later. I am learning to embrace the loneliness on this path and feel that I may not really be as alone as I may feel like at times. There are many others on this path and that similarly. And there is support that may not always be obvious to me in the moment of pain.
Anyways, sending tons of wishes for grace, guidance, support and healing to all on this forum.

[Emms]

Ive always had the opposite problem. Although I don't trust that many ppl, I do like company and need ppl around me. I've longed for friendship so much that I've let ppl use me just to stay friends with them and there are still ppl now who have made it plain that they don't want me around them anymore yet it's taken me ages to stop calling them and trying to invite them out, when it's plain that they have used me all they need and no longer am I of any use to them, so they don't want me. Either that or I'm just not a likeable person, not sure which.

I was also brought up in isolation and hated it, I do like a bit of my own space but I do get very lonely. My husband works and that gives me space, which I like, but he's not one for mixing and going out so it's up to me to find my own interests. I do most of the time and do have one friend but only meet her occasionally. She has a lot of problems and a large family of her own to look after so she doesn't have that much time for me, but the occasional meetings we have just for a lunch somewhere are enjoyable and wish I could do it more. I tried to make friends when I was working, but never seem to fit in. The neighbours speak and say hello but all have their own friends and family and although I've tried, they don't seem to want me much either. So although I would love to have friendship, I feel very lonely at times. My children are grown up, both left home and don't live locally so we don't see that much of them, but I know they care in their own way. But I do know how isolated you can feel, in fact, although I can socialize and meet ppl quite well, I often look around a crowd in a room and feel very much left out, that I don't fit in and it's always me who seems to be the one who has to go to others to try to start a conversarion, ppl don't come to me, not the kind I want anyway. Perhaps I'm just too fussy, I don't know, but I do get lonely.

[Nynke]

I am new to this, but in my "alone-ness", I suddenly don't feel quite so alone anymore, because I realize that so many other people on this site feel the same way I do. I generally feel that I don't fit in or belong, and have difficulty trusting or letting anyone close. I feel alone no matter how many people are around me. That is really starting to hurt. When I cry, I cry alone in my bedroom. The minute someone else comes in, the emotions disappear, the minute that person leaves, the emotions are back. That makes it difficult to ask for emotional support. So maybe this site is a safe site for me to express my feelings and get the support I need, and that would be a step in the right direction. Already I feel like I've taken an important step, already I feel less alone. Just posting this makes me feel less alone. I am 55 and I am becoming painfully aware I will not live forever and the one thing I would like to learn before my time comes, is to be able to trust someone with my emotions, to let them close, and to not feel so alone. And to let go of the grief and pain that I feel inside, because I am tired of living with it. Life is short. I hope to be able to feel joy and to love/feel loved eventually. But it won't happen until I start taking the appropriate steps...so here I am!

[Sheryl]

Nynke, you can learn to trust again, not everyone out there is evil. actually just a few are, the majority are good people.
I am in a relationship ( the first one that was my decision to be in ) with a wonderful man. but a few years ago I would not have believed it possible. Sometimes you just have to take a chance, a leap if you will.
I am glad you have found this forum , Welcome, and i hope you find peace here.

[rwright]

The worst part of safe and lonely is that there are no boundaries. To be alone in my mind is the only safe option. At 37, having been married 20 some odd year and raised 5 kids, I now fully understand my abuse. It is reflected in every relationship ive ever had and my lack of commitment to it. It is only recently that I began to break down the reasons. After being abused I was never heard. I never had the opportunity to really tell anybody in my family the whole story. Each time I tried to tell mom, grandma and auntie about what happened to me, they shut me down. It always started with he hurt me and tears. The response was always what did you do now? What did I do now? Yes I was a fighter. Yes I defended myself like mike tyson on the elementary school playground. Who knows, maybe I could have been another Laila Ali. But that didnt' happen. What did, was I was raped at 8 years old by mothers boyfriends 14 year old son. The grandson of the neighborhood minister.

[Goosehnter]

I find it amazing that i can come here and read your stories and feel as though you are describing me.. i to, have struggled with a crushing sense of loneliness, have never had friends, don't know how to make friends, many many times i feel trapped in my own mind, as though the rest of the world is not real.. but i know that is the lonely neglected boy left to fend for himself...the loneliness has never gone away..

[pennylane]

I think it's natural to feel lonely. I actually have a lot of friends, decent family relationships (minus my abuser, who I have no contact (NC) with) but I still get this overwhelming sense of loneliness sometimes. Nobody else really understands what is going on inside my head beside people that have had the same experiences-that's why I thought of trying this out. That and the survivor manual that they have....time to face the music and deal with what happened. Lack of trust, embarrassment-it comes with the territory. I kind of calling it "talking myself down from my crazy tree". I have to really try to objectively look at my relationships because my initial instincts aren't so great when it comes to relationships. Maybe that's a little true for a lot of people here.

[Jack Turner]

Hi all. Thank you for your writing. I've been coming to this site for a couple months now, but usually can only read a little then get so stressed that I don't come back for days at a time. Even though I know that reading and journal writing are good for me, I get so nervous that I "forget" to do it. Yesterday I finally forced myself to start journaling the details of my abuse and how I think it's affected me through the years.

I was abused by my own mother after my parents got divorced. I don't know if it was purposeful or just manifested itself because of her own childhood abuse, but it happened. I had sex with my mother. Unfortunately, because I was a teenager at the time, I fully believed myself to be an adult capable of making rational decisions, so for the next 30 years I believed I was just a sick, perverted bastard. Obviously, looking back, that was not the case. I was an emotional train wreck and she manipulated me. My dad was gone, but had told me I was the man of the house now. She reinforced that. Mom made me her divorce counselor, her confidant, and eventually, her lover.

For the last 30 years, while all of this was still a secret, I went on with my life. I had anger issues which I attributed to genetics (my dad can get pretty angry/aggressive, especially while drinking). I have some very inappropriate desires/thoughts when it comes to sex/personal relationships. I thought that was just me, like I was born to it. I'm just a sick bastard, right? Why else would I have done what I did? Am I making any sense? I am so confused right now.

I had a point, somewhere. I think I lost it. Anyway, I did want to say this: I outed my mother to her sister/family on New Year's eve. That same night I ran. I'd been staying with her for a few months because I needed a place to crash/decompress before starting my life over. I didn't want to stay at her place, but I did. It was like walking on broken glass. Stress was everywhere. It finally got too much and I bolted, outing her at the same time. The relief was instantaneous. But the getting my life back in order part has dragged itself out. I found out that now that people know, at least in general, that she abused me, they're all very supportive. However, it's now harder than ever for me to actually talk about it or write about it or admit it. For some reason, it was easier when it was all just a dirty little secret. Now that it's not, I feel like I'm stuck. If I so much as look at my journal, my stomach knots up and I want to reach for a drink. I'm rambling, aren't I? Sorry.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who posts on this site. Even though I rarely visit, I'm trying to make it a daily habit, both reading these posts and writing in my journal. Today is another day. I can make a new choice. So can you.

Hanging in there...

[mbot]

i can relate to feeling like an outsider. i have a very hard time approaching people and making new friends. i try to go out to meetups and there is a comedy class i'm thinking about joining to become more open but im unsure. in my last relationship (somewhat co-dependent) i was with a guy who always wanted to be with me. still, i felt very lonely. the emotional disconnect has always been very present with me and relationships. thinking back to elementary school with friends i wouldn't open up. i couldn't open up with everything that was happening at home. this translated to middle school who i did meet a girl that i was friends with for over 12 years. still i never mentioned any abuse, to her or anyone. finally i high school my emotionally disconnect became rage. one unhealthy relationship after another. its hard to develop solid relationships without a sense of trust and insecurity that i feel everyday. starting a new relationship in which i'm trying to be open however he is unsure of my past and its hard because ive never shared it with anyone. i like him but this is a side of me that is just lonely and sad and pulls away unfortunately

[nomad]

It makes me feel both happy and sad to read this topic. Happy to know im not alone and maybe even normal in some way. Sad to know there are so many people whose lives have been negatively impacted by abuse.
Im about to turn 50 and this has affected me all my life. I was 29 the first time i realised that somebody could actually like me as a friend and since then Ive discovered that lots of people do. They want to be friends but I just cant do it really, I keep everyone at arms length and always have including my family. It has been a lonely life for me ... when people try to get close I run away. Now i find myself living alone in a new city, on an isolated property where nobody ever comes. I think it suits me as I can feel somewhat comfortable when i know i can be totally alone and in control of my environment but I truly wish it wasnt this way. Im depressed most of the time and wish I could have friendships and closeness. I think of it as my mission in life to somehow recover from the abuse i suffered from the age of 9 months to 14 years ... most of the time im frozen in place and I have to admit that lately its looking like this will be it for me ... Im losing hope.
Thanks to everyone who has posted here, it helps to know im not alone in being alone.

[jadedpain]

I am going to be 30 this month and I have had a hard time talking about my past. About the things that I felt and that I went through. I am the oldest of 4 kids and I was in "charge" My mom was strung out, or missing in action. I had two brothers and a sister. With no electricity and no food most the time I had to find ways to take care of them. Many nights not eating, myself. I love them. It was a hard burden and something that to this day can make me cry. My mom would get angry when she was coming down. I was the only one she ever hit, beat, emotionally abused. I never really thought she loved me that much. How could I be that bad? We were in and out of foster care. I was in seven. Not all great ones by the way. The physical abuse ended when I was 15. I was back with my mom and she raised a fist (shes 5'1 slim and I was 5'6 180lbs) I told her I had never hit her but that I would if she thought she could get away with hitting me again.

My mom and I have some type of relationship in my adult days but we don't connect. She swears she loves me and that she is sorry for the way things went. I told her i forgave her but I don't think I do. I don't know if I can. It hurts all the time. I am good at pretending but it creeps in occasionally. I really have a hard time moving forward with the weight of the pain. I would love to just move forward-unfortunatly it doesn't just go.