safe and lonely

muriah · Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 3

I received an email that reminded me that this resource is here. It mentioned that there are e-meetings... are there live meetings here somewhere, or are there just the boards of the forums? I tried reading guidelines etc...

Time to start working on this again since it is damaging my current relationships once more. There are no meetings here and I can't afford treatment. Hope to find a way to work on myself through this site.

The holidays make remembering painful and I'm struggling just to stay functional until they are over.

DianaJoy · Site Admin Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 479

the e-meeting I'm aware of is this board. I've been thinking about setting up a phone meeting, using one of the conference call services, but I don't have the time and energy to facilitate more often than once a month or so.

reddy2fly · Joined: 02 Jan 2010 Posts: 19 Location: Tampa, FL

Congrats to you littleb! I'm new came across the site yesterday so happy new year to everyone. I am in desperate need to talk to someone can't afford therapy so the internet will have to do. I know a lot about being being lonely. I'm 38 years old and never had a romantic relationship. I have no social life to afraid of people and being fat makes me especially vulnerable and sensitive to peoples opinions. I was abused by multiple people in and around my family. So needles to say I am carrying a lot of rage so much so I'm afraid I'm going to kill someone or kill myself. Work is the only place I interact with people and it is really is difficult for me to relate to people when they talk about relationships all I can do is nod my head because I have no idea what they are talking about I have never been in love so the things people do in realtionships are totally foreign to me. I know some people who become promiscuous because of sexual abuse but not me I retreated into this fantasy world. I know this sounds strange but I secretly envy the ones who became sex addicts because atleast they have some KIND of a life. All I do is sit in front of a tv or computer screen watching or reading about what everyone else is doing. Sometimes I try to pysch myself up to go out alone but I always chicken out. Why the hell would I go to some social function alone. I'm not good at talking to complete strangers so I would just sit in a corner somewhere staring at everyone else. I tried to reconnect with people I went to high school with but that didn't work they were all married with children and had experienced so much I couldn't relate and they outgrew me. I guess my solution is find others like myself to hang out with. The only support group for sex abuse survivors in my area only takes people who are currently in counseling since I don't have that I coudn't join the group. Any advice you guys could give me would be greatly appreciated.

tdobbs · Joined: 06 Jan 2010 Posts: 7

I have gone to The United Way and recieve free counseling for sexually abused women...They deal with a wide range of abuse and my counselor deals with Adult Survivors of Incest. I would look into your local United Way...the work with anyone for free...at least they do in my area. They also said that after I have been in treatment I could go to group. I told them about this program and they may look into starting a group meeting there with ASCA...
Your sister in healing,
Tami

reddy2fly · Joined: 02 Jan 2010 Posts: 19 Location: Tampa, FL

Thanks tdobbs.

Bones59 · Joined: 27 Mar 2010 Posts: 4 Location: NJ

I am very grateful to have found this site and to know that I am not alone in my struggle with childhood abuse.

I have isolated myself except for work, my kids and talking with trusted friends via the internet. My few close childhood friends live in other states and I do not have anyone local. Not having any friends locally is part choice from trust issues and part personality issues that I have from the abuse. I seem to push people away and need figure why. Unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to ask why, because hearing it would likely reinforce my lack of self-worth.

I would like to try and over come the issues, but facing and dealing with them causes extreme anxiety. Right now I feel very shut down emotionally and just going through the motions. However, every now and then I have an outburst of anger and later many regrets.

I cannot bring myself to see a therapist, because I don't trust that somehow someone will find out or see my records. This information could endanger custody of my youngest child and my career. My ex is vindictive and would gladly use this to try and get custody.

roxie60 · Joined: 17 Dec 2009 Posts: 5

For most of my life I have worked hard to keep my Pandora's box closed. Always felt it would be my undoing if ever opened it. I did not want to be overwhelmed, I wanted to be successful, overcome all that happened to me. Well I'm 50 and last year Pandora's box sprung open, just could not keep it shut anymore. And what I feared is happening, life falling apart. Have worked at my job for 17 years and now I find it hard to wake up each day and face the cruel and unusual punishment people dish out to me and others in the corp world. I am less than 5 years from minimum retirement and frustrated with myself for giving in. I am worn out from all the battles. Finally revealed one incident to one family member and another incident to another family member. I was told I was supported but their behavior has not matched their words. Feel so alone, probably most of my own doing. I really need to get back to this manual and really work through it but I have no energy to work, keep up a home, etc, I want to know that failure is not going to destroy me but I have no confidence in myself and no one who believes in me. I need encouragement but to afraid to tell any one to share. too afraid of being rejected, hurt some more. vicious circle.

DianaJoy · Site Admin Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 479

Roxie60, I think all of us go through feeling worse before feeling better. It's kind of like cleaning out a closet - you have to get everything out first, which makes a huge mess, before you can sort through it all.

HealMyPTSD, a blog I read, just had an article about it - *.con/2010/05/making-the-shift-feeling-worse-vs-better.html

Emms · Joined: 14 Apr 2009 Posts: 1556 Location: West Midlands UK

Roxie60, I think DianaJoy is right, it's like we have to feel worse to feel better but it DOES get better if we let it. I had a down day today and yesterday wasn't a good one, mainly due to talking with my daughter who will never understand. Sometimes I feel the whole world is against me, but I know that's not really true. The misery passes, as always, but it does hurt like hell while it's here.

roxie60 · Joined: 17 Dec 2009 Posts: 5

thanks for the replies. I usually pick myself up dust myself off and keep going I just find it harder each day to do this. I don't want to fall apart. I am so close to quiting a job that I have suffered through for years and being 5 years from retirement and healthcare I am frustrated w/ myself for even thinking about leaving but frustrated I have no confidence in myself to find someting I like doing. That is what we do, keep going.....

Eleni · Joined: 02 Jun 2010 Posts: 4

I can relate to not having close realtionships but in a different way. I go out and put on a smile, laugh at the right times, even lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on when called for. My friends/relationships think that I am "sweet." However, I NEVER get close enough to them to form any type of intimate bond. By intimate, I mean I am never vulnerable with them. I never open up and express my pain, hurt or anger. I am not just talking about abuse-I never open up about ANYTHING. So, everyione thinks that I have a lot of friends because I get invited to parties, or drinks after work etc. but, in reality, I am just as LONELY as if I did not have any friends.

I never truly took the time to think about it until I read your post. I am sure that this phenomenon has to do with trusting others. I never truly feel comfortable enough to share my inner feelings or emotions. Perahps this has to do with putting on the right face when I was younger. I was always very good at never letting anyone know that I was abused or, in the one case that they did know, that it ever bothered or affected me. I just always put on the positive, happy, upbeat smile and acted the way I was supposed to act. And I was rewarded with what appeared to be the perfect life-family, friends, boyfriends.

Of course, NONE of my friendships or relationships ever lasted very long or became very close. No one ever really got to know me., It was safer that way. Wow, that was a lot of exploring and I am feeling a bit overwhlemed. Think I will sign off on that note.

innocent · Joined: 04 Jan 2010 Posts: 127

I believe this site was the best thing that ever happened to me. This was the right place to start. Since I disclosed myself (nearly 6 months) , I have been trying to handle my anger and expressing my true feelings.
( I am really bad at that)
I always prefer to say "I am fine". Or else, I have to explain why I feel bad or unhappy.
Fine and good are the most common 2 words in my daily life.

I have been overwhelmed a lot.
My anger is hiding and waiting to show itself. In stressful situations, I can't handle it.
I had sabotaged my life in different ways, such as working hard (7 days a week), taking bad decisions and having or not having relationships (I have never had a serious one) .

4 months ago, I told what happened to my sister, It helped.

I had gave up smoking for 2,5 months, to my shame I started again.

When I go out with friends or with my family, I can't feel normal. I have been trying to seem normal. Well,that works for them but doesn't for me.
Then I found my self alone and kept isolated my self from outside world.

I hope everything get better for everyone.

rjwpraise · Joined: 03 Sep 2010 Posts: 2

I know what it feels like to be alone. My eldest son still lives with me or I would have lost my mind. I have no family after my daughters walked out of my life. I have no friends after I was deeply betrayed 3 years ago. I've been very withdrawn and I have isolated myself. I've been out of work since Sept. 08. I'm just now trying to get back into therapy and back into church again. I've had no luck in finding a job. It's hard to be alone with no support system. I hope that will change soon. I'm trying to trust again, though it will be done slowly for me.
I too was angry at God for many years, though I've healed much here. I know He loves me and I know what happened to me wasn't His fault. Man has free will. I would not have made it this far if He was not in my life.

innocent · Joined: 04 Jan 2010 Posts: 127

rjwpraise, Welcome to the site. I hope you find it useful.

We all have similar issues. I have isolated myself form outer world since my childhood. The ppl who had to protect me, had betrayed. Trust was an empty word for me. I can rely on my sister now. We weren't get on well since our childhood. After I have disclosed my self, our brother-sister relationship seems alright. At least I don't carry my dark secret alone.
On the other hand, there are really decent ppl in here.
Thanks to them. I believe the only thing I need to know, I am not alone.

plmartin68 · Joined: 17 Mar 2010 Posts: 3

I have the same problem. I was married 9 years and moved out 7 times before we finally got divorced. We have gotten back together times but in the end I can't stand being with people. Short term relationships work for me but long term I always can find fault with the other person. I am a truck driver now because It is the only job I can do on my own. Been on every med cocktail out there and not much works.