[Niceguy]

I loved my mother very much and I wanted to become good enough for her
Inspite of my sincere love for her she did not respond
My best was not good enough for her

Those are strong memories
It was so painful and I was a little boy that wanted only to be loved

It fucked me up and created trauma deep inside
And now as an adult the same feelings come up all the time

Deep lonliness . deep sadness deep empathy and concern for others

I am so enraged
The Chronic systematic abuse I fear has affected me for life

[besteffort]

Your words resonate with me. I also have a mother who could not (or would not) love me. I also feel deep...well, everything.

I tell myself that the silver lining is that I can still feel love for others. I can still create love with others.

Anyway, I don't know you, but I know that you deserve all the things your mother couldn't give you and that you can still get those things!

[Niceguy]

The problem is I get very attracted to women that remind me of my mother

Immature, superficial ,self centered

And that attraction is so strong

But the same women trigger me left and right because they act immature

So I am attracted to women that remind me of my mother and at the same time I am terrified of them because they remind me of my mother

I have been doing this all my life and it never ends well for two reasons
I am not aware of what is happening and or They are immature

[invisable]

Funny..my user ID is invisable so I know how you both feel because I was invisable and still feel as if I am. My mother, althought I was closer to her than my father, she was not a very loving person. I think she got that way because of my father who abused us all, mentally, physcially, and sexually. I think he would rape her, so she got cold. I hate who I am and feel like I cannot get through this. I am 55 alone ugh...the holidays make me feel worse. I wish I had a loving family to spend time with over the holidays.

[nausuu]

My mother was cold and mean during my childhood as well. I think the abuse she suffered from my father really made things worse. When he left her, she took all her anger out on me. I was 10. It's weird to me that she is a completely different person now. Almost like the mother I had 15 years ago is gone, replaced by the mother I should have had.

[maladapted]

My mother must have been physiologically exhausted when she had me. Already having 6 kids (and 2 more after me) the closet to me was just 16 months older and the sibling before that one just another year. So when I was brought how as infant there were 5 children under the age of 6 and two older ones. Needless to say my infancy was a worldwind of small children all around me and a mother who didn't bond with me.

After many years of working some things through I came to understand more about her and my father, their family dynamics and the powerful forces that caused them to make certain choices that deeply affected me.

Still, its hard to look back and see the things about her that were selfish, petty, and cold. She didn't like me....she didn't want me...and now I know this and can stop denying it or pretending such a thing couldn't be true.

It is true and I am facing that it is true. Some parents don't love or want their children...and they basically hand them over to other children to be raised. I know now based on many things my mother said late in life that her mother did things similarly....have large broods for the utility of it...imagine that....being brought into the world by a parent who sub-consciously sees you as a little worker...as soon as you're old enough to do chores.

The crazy thing is I still feel some love for her....and in spite of all her mistakes....I cared enough to get her into good hands in her senior years and out of the hands of sociopathic sibs who were allowing her to get hurt and injured in the home. She was neglected by them. Now she's in a nursing home...with dementia and doesn't even know her own name. Out of all those children not one wants her.

Its a very sad situtation....and they call this life!

mal

[thepunchingbag]

I can relate to everything previously posted. My mother married my stepfather to get her greencard and was miserable in a loveless marriage. She blamed me for everything and my life was torture. Now that I am older, our relationship is as good as can be expected with someone like her. She had an extremely difficult childhood, full of abuse. She parented the way she was parented. I understand and accept that today. What I can't accept is her refusal to admit that she was a horrible mother. She chooses to pretend that she did no wrong.

I remember when I was 10 I was sent to the Nurse's Office at school with a nose bleed. While I was there, the nurse gave me a little book on menstruation. It just so happened that I got my first period a few days after. I went to my mom and told her and she said I was lying. I showed her my underwear and she said nothing. My little brother was an infant at the time so I used his diapers to make pads. My mother came to me and said "Stop cutting up your brother's diapers and using them as pads." She looked at me with pure disgust. I asked her what else was I supposed to do if she wouldn't buy me pads?

When I asked her about it, 20 years later, she said I was lying, that it never happened. She knows the damage she did to me and my older brother, but refuses to take responsibility. I can forgive the past abuse. What I can't forgive is her judgement of me and what my life has become.

I realize that she is sick, and even knowing the damage she's done, she would do things the same way if she could do it over. She can't help herself. I'm now battling through my isolation and my addiction to alcohol, with the help of AA.

Ironically, I am her best friend (she's NOT mine). At times I want to rage at her. I want her to admit that she purposely went about the business of systematically destroying my self-esteem and my life with conviction and pleasure. I know that will never happen. But I will never forget that from she got me back at the age of 6 I was "The Bitch".......