[littleb]

thanks emms, that makes a lot of sense.

[kestrel]

When you are young your parents are the only people you have to look up to. I assumed that mine were perfect and knew everything!!! I thought that every house was the same. Part of healing was shattering that myth. They weren't perfect - actually they were destructive and harmful. It was very hard to change that with feeling that I should contunue to be the 'dutiful' daughter.
I was also very scared around children as I always felt that I would also harm them as though it was in the genes or something!!! I have got over that more now and enjoy playing with kids - I am a pokemon champion!!! LOL

[littleb]

Lol, yay pokemon! I'm not scared of kids per se, I play with my god children all the time, I LOVE kids, but I definetly get the "in the genes" feeling, wondering if because I was abused if in some way I'll abuse my children when I have them. Its one thing to watch kids, its another to have your own, you kno, and its intimidating because I wasn't raised "right", my mom was no example, neither was her mom, so idk who to look to for advice. I know what NOT to do, but as far as what I "should" do, how you "should" raise a child....I dont know.

I remember being 8, and crying, dad had already left, I was trying to get the house clean for mom, and she could get so angry sometimes over how dirty it got, how the boys would tear things up and it was like as I was cleaning my lil brothers were tearing it up behind me. So i went to my room and was crying and I remember wishing I had a normal family, with a normal dad and a normal mom, where I didn't have to do everything, where I could go outside and play and not worry about having to watch my brothers or cook for them or clean up after them. I couldn't wait to be 18, because then "Id go out on my own and make my own decisions, I'd have my own life" I knew back then that my family was different than everyone elses, mainly because of my dad, alienating us, mom couldn't have any friends, couldn't even look at anybody (esp not another man, that merited a beating), we lived in a VERY small town, and lived WAY out there in the middle of the woods. My dad's family isn't known for being the nicest of ppl, so everyone was against us anyways, we had "that last name". My grandpaw, my mom's dad, wasn't anything like my dad, calm quiet funny, I knew there was something wrong with my dad, I just thot we caused it. But anyways then when mom got sick, and I felt like "I had to" pick up the slack, I felt even more different than everyone else. My friends were listening to the hanson brothers and going to cheerleading camp, I was cleanin our trailer and chasing 2 little boys (my older brother didnt ever do much, played video games, so I didn't have to "watch him" really except to make sure he wasn't having a seizure)

I feel like my whole life I've been saying "I can't wait till I'm 18, then its my turn", and still I'm being bothered by this, my abusers are still winning in a sense that the choices I make now are based on things I know or that affected me, even if subconciously from child/teen hood. I'm still being prohibited by them, I'm still that little girl that can't wait to make her own decisions. I don't want that little girl to be MY little girl too, who cant wait to get away from me. I dont want to raise a child like me, or have them feel ANY of the ways that I felt. I want to give my children a different life, I want it just to see that its possible I think, a normal family, Im just afraid I'll screw it up, or that as soon as I have kids I'll become my mom, or my dad, or worse a combo of both, violent and indecisive.

I know what NOT to do, and I thnk if I'm determined enough I can figure most of it out, no parent is perfect, but I'll do my damnedest to protect and love and nuture my children in all the ways I wasn't. But, theres still that feeling that lingers there, that fear that I'll hurt my children somehow if I have them.

With you guys helpin me I think I'll be fine tho, I do, I just get scared.

[Migod]

I maybe lost in this discussion forum but I'm giving it a try. As a child I was sexually abused by my first cousin. This went on for about a year. The only way my parents found out is that I was passing a note to my friend in class when a nun got the note and read it and contacted my parents. I really don't remember what I wrote but it was about the abuse that was occurring. I was expelled from school and the other parents were made aware of what I had written. I was 9 years old and my cousin was about 16 or 17 years old. Holy hell broke out in my house. My Father wanted to kill him but my Mother called my grandparents so my Grandmother could talk some sense into him. My cousin was sent back to my grandparents house and I was left at home not really knowing what had happened or what was going to happen. There was lots of screaming and crying but no one was talking to me about anything. My Mother did get me back into school but everything changed. No one said anything about the incident and as my Mother got older she didn't even remember that it had happened. In 2007 I was beaten and raped by a man I had know for 10 years. I had to go to the hospital, where I was treated like a leper. I had to call my husband to come get me and of course, I had to change the whole story about the incident. Then I began to come apart. All the pain and agony of being sexually abused as a child came back with a vengence. I couldn't separate the child from the adult. I am currently in therapy and stumbled on this site in hopes that I would get some type of help for this unresolved issue. I really don't know who I am and what I am doing most of the time. My children are grown and gone so now I have to deal with myself, whomever that might be. I have never had a healthy relationship with anyone for a long period of time. I'm doing everything that I can to focus on me and begin to live a life. I hope that this is the place where I can get the help and guidance that I need to find myself.

[littleb]

YES! it is! and I dont know what I'd do without it :-)

This is my first time dealing with my abuse also, never been in therapy, can't afford right now, but prolly will go soon for some other issues, panic attacks n such, how to control my anxiety, and some other things that's been happening lately that I can't really explain..but is not good.

Im 21, was physically/emotionally abused and abandonded by my real dad, then sexually abused by my mom's bf later on (when I was 11 until I was 17-18)

I dont want to spend too much time on me, I've been here a couple of months (I think, started in March) and the difference is UNBELIEVABLE! I was in denial before, and can proudly say that, even if I'm not out of the woods yet (or close to it) I'm making progress, somthing I didnt know I could do or should do (because I wasnt aware fully of the problem b4, i knew it happend, but pushed it all away, was in denial...). This HAS helped me immensly, words can't describe where I was and where I feel I am now. ITs been so completely eye opening, and I have no regrets (long term...I still feel bad after posting but is part of dealing with it, it wasn't good when it happend, it wont feel any better when you post what happened, but afterwards...it makes a world of difference) and then reading others posts has been very theraputic for me too, to know I'm not alone in my feelings. Most all of us feel the same way, and we come from different cultures in different parts of the world. Its pretty amazing honestly.

You're not alone here, and we'd love to talk, but this is one of those things that's completely up to you, you talk (type...whateva) as you feel comfortable. I'm here everyday, and post alot because this is my *only* outlet, you may not tho having a therapist , this might just be something nice on the side, so post as much or as little as you feel you need too. We're always here and ready and willing to listen.

[Migod]

Thanks so much for giving me words of inspiration. I have a free therapist for rape counseling. I got her through the YWCA. They have other therapists, too. Maybe, you can look into that for yourself. Wow! you have really posted a lot. Hope to be just like you in the near future.
Blessings

[littleb]

really? Free therapy? I looked in my area, but was just googling "free therapy" in my area. Once I found this place and started comming here everyday I stopped looking lol. I will check out YWCA (lol i didnt know there was a ywca...knew about the YMCA..still dont know what that stands for, if anything..darned song gets stuck in my head tho...as it does in everyone's)

But I have said before and will say again, I'd much rather take the words of someone who's "been there, done that, felt the same way" and is either currently dealing with or had to at one point, than I would someone who just read about it in books...at the same time, it is good to have that outside opinion, sometimes our abused minds are not right (surprise surprise), so its good to have a generaly direction to work in, and you're therapist can do that for you, tell where you should start, correct you if you're wrong, if nothing else. Ofcourse never having formal therapy....who knows my opinion of therapy/therapists could be wrong they may be a whole lot better, and do a whole lot more good than I thnk.

Yup I'ma posting away everyday! multiple times lol! again anytime you want to talk we're here and more than ready to listen

[kestrel]

littleb - it is great to see you post that you feel that you are making progress. I am really glad that you are feeling a little better than when you first joined the forum. Chin up. We are with you.

[Emms]

It's great that we all feel comfortable about posting here and also great to read that some of us feel good. I guess we all have our ups and downs, good days and bad days, always will. I guess we're lucky here in the UK cos we do get free therapy. We've got the YWCA too but not sure if they do therapy.

[Migod]

I was going through some old pictures of the women in my family and remembered all the things that they had to endure to make their life bearable. I was never neglected in the physical sense by my parents, but after the incidents with my cousin I was treated differently. I can't really put my finger on it but I was treated as if I was damaged goods. No one said anything but the silence was loud and real to me. I never felt the same way again about anything. I'm now finding out that I never had a life like other children. I've never had a lasting relationship even though I've been married twice and have four grown children, that I love dearly, but no one has ever really listened to me. Sometimes I feel like my whole life has been one big joke until now. In my family there seem to be generational curses which have followed the women. They didn't say much so no one really knew them. They were clannish and didn't have real friends. They looked down on others with less education. They stayed in relationships, when they should have left. They were either mentally/physically abused by their spouses and said nothing. I know that I deserve better than that. It's a constant battle trying to find a life and trying to remain sane, but I know that I can do it. I owe it to myself and my children to stop this madness. You never really know how many problems that people have by just looking at them. I'm surprised that anyone is sane in this society and in these time. I'm fighting for a life, mine.

[Emms]

That sounds a bit like my family, only it seemed to be both the men and women who abused, well, some did. We were an isolated family, didn't mix, looked down on everyone. It all seemed to come from my maternal grandparents, they were absolute freaks. I know what you mean about being treated as damaged goods, ppl sometimes treat me that way now which is why I don't tell many what happened to me. I was also adopted and my so called 'family' always let me know that they felt I wasn't as good as they were, that I should have felt myself lucky that they took me in. There are a few 'friends' who I have told about the abuse in the past, but they seem to think that I should kind of think myself lucky that anyone bothers to even talk to me after what happened. It's like they feel I did something wrong, that it must have been my fault and now that I owe the world a lot for accepting me as a human being. I won't accept that though cos it WASN'T my fault and I'm just as good as anyone else. Well, that's how I see it now at least. We were all damaged in different ways by our abusers but that doesn't mean we're bad ppl and it also doesn't mean we don't deserve the same as others do.

[austxmel]

Hi Migod

I am diligently spending all of my time writing a book on that very topic. It is all about the continued damage that occurs to a victim of abuse in the aftermath when the abuse stops and the "support people" not only do the wrong things that actually cause a regression but they are so caught up in how icky the whole issue makes them feel that they don't give the desperately needed healing support to the survivor which is the main reason why we as survivors either live a life full of damageing behavior until we are around 30ish... or we continue the cycle of abuse. It is truly my hearts desire to make it my life's work to address this issue on a world wide scale. I am so glad to hear you say the thing about looking at how and not why.
It is often hard to see what the point of it all is and why we have to endure such anguish throughout our lives. I have seen people cast God out of their hearts due to an angry confusion as to why God would let such a terrible thing like abuse happen to innocent children.We went through a hell that nobody should go through and now, because my abuser damaged me, I have to work extra hard to fix myself? That sucks!It is an ugly, unfair truth that is difficult to accept and come to terms with. The fact is, as a victim of childhood sexual abuse, we have a choice. Either accept these truths and regain ownership of our actions and our feelings while moving forward towards a life of joy and fulfillment, or remain a slave to the past by allowing the damage to eat us alive, and allowing the abuser to continue to ruin our happiness and potential.

[Helen]

sammy, since this minister doesn't seem to realize (or doesn't want to realize) that what he did was wrong, it's a waste of time phoning him again. Most abusers don't want to face up to the horrible fact that they are abusers.

I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother, and she always told me that she 'loved' me. Abuse is not a form of love, it's a horrible crime in which the abuser uses the victim for their own agenda, whether that be a punchbag, somebody to rant and rave at, or as a sexual outlet like in your case. The abuser gets off on the power it gives them, and love doesn't even come into it.

As has already been said by the previous poster, you should find a different minister or speak to somebody non-religious... it's quite obvious that your abuser will not give you the answer you want. Part of me wishes that I could ask my late mother why she used to beat me and tell me I was worthless waste of space. Yet even if she was still alive and I could ask her, I doubt I'd get the answers I'm looking for.

Helen

[Emms]

You probably wouldn't, Helen. I had similar stuff with my mother and she would lie all the time, would only tell me or anyone what she wanted them to hear, there was HER truth, that wasn't the real truth, if you know what I mean. Abusers are sick, they do not know how to love, but my mother always insisted she loved me, she'd get very dramatic and say I was her world, that she loved me more than her own life so how DARE I insinuate that she didn't adore me. Basically, she was a sick bitch. My male sexual abusers were sick too and I don't believe there could have been anyone on this earth who would ever get them to admit what they did, I think they even deny these things to themselves.

[Helen]

Emms, I think you're right on the mark here. Sick people don't want to recognise that they are sick people. My mother had an irrational fear of psychiatrists and had the impression that mental health professionals were there to get as many people locked up in padded cells as possible.

She always said that she 'loved' me and wanted the best for me, but I just don't see it. I don't think she was capable of love. You don't hit people if you love them, and you certainly don't demean them and remind them of how worthless and useless they are either. Her actions were the total opposite of love, so I have to be honest with myself and conclude that for whatever reason she did not love me. Actually her actions said she actively hated me, why she hated me I will never know.

I think abusers of any kind have to delude themselves into believing that the abuse is an expression of love to protect themselves from understanding the harm they are inflicting on their victims. They're trapped in their own delusions and paranoia and so they lash out.

Mother used to say she could 'hear' what I was thinking and used to punish me by hitting me and then sending me to my room to be alone for the rest of the day if she deemed I had had a 'bad' thought. She told me she was psychic and that she'd know if I was thinking nasty things about her. I was always watching what I was thinking when she was around because I believed it. Now I look back I think that she was very mentally ill and that the voices were a symptom of her paranoid delusions.

At one point I wanted to try to forgive the abuse on the grounds that she was mentally ill... but I can't forgive yet because I still think she knew on some level what she was doing, even if she would'nt admit it to herself. She needed to be in therapy, but she wouldn't because she feared psychiatrists.

I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy as well, but then I keep reminding myself that what she did to me would effect anyone growing up and that my feelings are a normal response to a very abnormal upbringing. Still, sometimes I do wonder if she tipped me over the edge, I fear I am too damaged to recover fully. Does this make sense? I tried to 'get over it', because I feel like I'm just whining and complaining about problems that are in the past. It seems unbelievable to me that I can let it effect me so much even now because it makes me feel weak, like I've let her get to me and let her win in some way. Is that normal?

Helen