[littleb]

I SO FEEL YOU HELEN!!!!! "Am I crazy?".......dont have an answer for that one yet but, am working on it. I think its as you said tho, just a reaction to what happened to us.

[Emms]

Neither of you are crazy. But Helen, your mother was. You've just described my mother almost exactly, she was terrrified of doctors, esp psychiatrists. In fact, she was terrified of anything she saw as authority or anyone who might interfere in her life. She used to say that she was psychic too, and that she was a witch. She would also beat me sometimes or punish me in other manipulative ways cos she was sure she could hear what I was thinking. Yes, two women with serious mental health issues, mine was so clever no one ever knew about hers outside of the family. No wonder we have problems.

[Helen]

Emms, my mother was so good at hiding her abusive behavior that nobody outside the family knew. I think her mental illness was extreme, even though she could hide it well from other people. I mean she was very good at acting normal even though she wasn't normal. I had to look outside the home for reference points to normality, and that's why it took me so long to understand how abnormal it all was.

It was only because of the way I've been feeling, thinking and acting that caused me to question my own sanity. I do things that I don't really mean to and go out of control. I hate myself for it but I can't help it sometimes.

It's only the last few weeks that I've been serious in my mind about getting some of my issues sorted. I just want all the bullshit out of my head so I can at least get some form of peace. Right now I am not in a good place. It feels weird admitting to that by typing it, but it is the truth.

You're totally right, Emms, it is no wonder we have problems when we've experienced so much hurt. Nobody can go through the kind of experiences we did and remain undamaged. I'm ready now to start repairing that damage but I know it won't be easy and it won't be something I can do over the course of a couple of weeks. I did suffer a lifetime of abuse after all, so it might take a few years to get fully healed.

Do any of you get impatient and annoyed when other people tell you about their comparitively small problems?... like their car breaking down or similar. I tend to get annoyed at that because something inside of me wants to snap at them 'and that's a f**king problem? you don't know what a problem is, try my life for a week!'. I know that's overly aggressive, and I never voice it, but I do feel angry when people think it's the end of the world when they experience a minor problem. The stupid thing is, I know how irrational it is, and that's why I never say this to people out loud.

You know what else, it's all coming out of me in a flood on this forum. I know you all understand and that's why I can talk to you. Other people just wouldn't get it or would think I'd gone mad. I'm damaged, but I'm reasonably certain that I'm not a crazy person.

Helen

[Emms]

Oh yes! I know we shouldn't belittle other ppl's problems but I do it sometimes, I never tell them that though cos I don't want to hurt them. Sometimes I read these posts and belittle my own pain cos some of you have been through worse than I have, but the normal problems ppl moan about from day to day DO make me angry when I hear ppl moaning about them, I think 'what the hell do you know about problems?' but it's wrong so I try my best not to do it. It still happens though. I have an anger problem too, I think a lot of us do, we're very angry ppl cos of what happened to us. It's only this last few years that I've learned to control that anger and I still flip over things sometimes. A good example of that was walking down the road in a pair of new shoes that were hurting me. I shouldn't have ben weariong them, should have checked them out more before I bought them, but I got soooooo frustrated that I kicked them off and threw them in a waste bin. I walked home barefoot LOL. Those are the ways the anger and frustration come out now, years ago I could easily smash up my own kitchen or bedroom over soemthing really silly. Fortunately, I don't do that now. Although I've never said this to my kids, if I've heard them moaning about things I've wanted to say 'hey, you should have had my life, that would give you soemething to moan about'. I keep quiet though cos it's not other ppl's fault I was abused. Their problems are real enough to them, it's the way we've been treated that makes us feel the way we do.

[littleb]

I agree! I get MAD when ppl bitch about little day-to-day issues. i really worry about that, how I'm going to interact with my child's "problems" (future tense lol obviously) when my life's problems were so different. I never really dealt with "normal problems", i just went about not dealing with anything as I've always done, it seemingly works out in my advantage, as a solution happens eventually, whether its the one I wanted or not. But thats like cheating, im not dealing with anything, I'm just "rolling with the punches", so... idk.

I get angry and pop. Again back to the 2 ppl thing again, im a cool level headed person, or atleast thats how everyone else see's me, but I dont feel anything, but the other me or the other part of me, lol emo-me is DYING to set the world on fire. I want to take it out on everyone, and everything, for my world being so diff. BUT that's a VERY bad way to think, i know its not other ppls fault, but it still doesnt change that i resent the world for never putting a stop to it, even tho it wasnt their responsibility in the first place.

I get so confused sometimes too, and for me thats the worst part. Im so good at ignoring it all that I feel like I cant stop, its defacto for me to be in my other world, where "i'm here, but you cant touch me". Sucks sucks sucks....i WILL get over it tho, somehow i'll figure it out.

[Emms]

I felt just the way you did with my kids, littleb. But when they moaned and still moan today, I just do the same old 'mother bit' and make out I understand LOL. They'll never know how I really feel so they can't be hurt by it. Still, if they do start too much moaning and groaning about nothing these days, I do tell them to think of those less fortunate then they are.

[littleb]

lol what they dont know wont hurt them. My man starts in on it sometimes too, aw we never have money, never go out, we never have etc, and I tell him the same thing, basically, sometimes more a long the lines of "well we could be homeless!" but...i try not to take it that far, I get emotional about things that happened to me, then start a fight with him cuz I feel bad and he's closest. get too angry too quick anymore

I am so tired... time for me to whine about my normal problems LOL.

I do believe it is good to listen to and try to understand "normal ppl problems" tho, atleast for me, since I'm so good at pushing ANY and ALL problems away. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions at the time of feeling them, instead of pushing them all away and brooding on them for days (months...years..ehm) That still doesnt stop a little surge of resentment every time i hear someone whine like its the end of the world if their grocer didnt have their cheese (or whatever). Makes me mad ppl get so upset about stupid petty things, but to them its not petty i guess...so its all a matter of perspective. I know I need to change mine.

[Helen]

I can't help but feel angry when people go on about their everyday problems... problems I see as minor. But sometimes I do need to get a reality check, these people have not experienced the extreme problems we have, so from their point of view these minor things ARE problems. So in that way I know it is irrational for me to be angry at them, but yet I still feel angry.

My weakness here is refraining from snapping at people with a minor problem. I tend to be short with them and tell them the logical course of action. eg.. the car broke down.. my response: well get the bloody mechanic in and call the insurance company then, and get the bus to work. I don't mean to be short with people, it's just that things like that wind me up and then I end up being irritable. I do try to restrain myself though because they should not have to put up with my negativity, it's not their fault that I'm damaged and it's not their fault they have a minor problem.

I don't understand how people react so badly though to such minor problems. I don't think they'd cope if they had the kind of issues that we have had to deal with in our lives. But then I ask myself... are we really coping? I am, and then I am not, all depends how you look at things. I cope in the way that I can function, I don't cope so well because the abuse still effects the way I live my life, the way I think and the way I am. So I wonder, had I never been abused, would I be like the person whining about normal problems that I can't help but condemn on an emotional level? Chances are I would be exactly like them. Perhaps on some level I am jealous of them, for their minor issue to be their main worry, their main problem at that point in their life.

Helen

[Emms]

This is going to sound awful but I hear a few ppl crowing about how they've had to put up with this or that in their lives, how good they are cos they've just got on with it. Well, they can have my childhood if they want, I feel like saying that to them. I feel like saying, 'here, have this', then see if they cope even as well as I do.

Ah, that's better, got that one out LOL. Still, I do know that my life could have been worse, there are ppl on here who've had a worse time than me and when I look a things that go on in this world, I guess that as bad as my childhood and younger years were, there are worse and at least mine are OVER!

[Helen]

Well if their problems were as bad as ours, they wouldn't be able to 'just get on with it'. Everyone has their breaking point, and we were stretched beyond ours at an early age. What we've had to put up with dwarfs their petty problems (eg. a failed relationship). They are inconvenienced people, not abused people like we are. Emms they don't understand people like us because they can't even imagine the situation we have been in. We've looked evil in the eye and lived to tell the take. They've had normal problems.

Helen

[Migod]

I took time to go through the posts and I did find my previous posts. Now I know where I'm supposed to be. Will be posting again soon. Going through a lot of things right now, and really don't know where to start, but this is a good place.

[littleb]

i had a friend once tell me she wish she had my life because it sounded "exotic", she didnt know about the sexual abuse tho, it still got to me. I felt the same way emms like "jst take it then, I dont want it"

[Harmony]

Hello all,
I am just now finding this site after years of pain and resentment towards my parents, who caused me more pain and discomfort than I could handle, and have physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me in the past.
I am now negotiating this pain and numbness, and have decided to spill all. I too, was neglected as child, and often times have vague and distant memories of going to my mother for attention and love, while being ignored. I would often try to show her something I was doing, or wanted to try with all of my heart, opening up my faith and love to her, but being met with only distance and cold avoidance. I must have been very young when this started off.
My dad was very harsh, cruel, and cold. He would appear interested in my pursuits at first, and then all of a sudden would snap and become an ugly snarling child with very little love or care in his heart. It was as if his heart had suddenly and without regard for his and his family's health, become a stone, or an icicle.
After a while, after trying to share my interests and talents with my parents, and ever needing that crucial and HUMAN feedback and support, gratification, and NOT getting it, I GAVE UP stopped pursuing my interests, IN PURSUIT of changing them so that they would SEE ME.
Returning to the PRESENT, I now have tremendous trouble EXPRESSING MYSELF, concentrating on MY NEEDS, and focusing on MY GOALS....
Whenever I hear the banging on my door or hear my NAME called by one of MY PARENTS, I feel a sense of panic, anger, and NUMBNESS....
I have been consistantly told that I am am SICK, AND IT SEEMS THAT'S WHAT MY PARENTS WANT FOR THE ATTENTION THEY GET FROM HEALTH CARE PROVIDERS. My parents both work in the health care field.
When I was very little, I had trouble sleeping at night sometimes, I would often say I was hungrey, but they wouldn't allow me to eat anyway.
My dad stopped my mom from breastfeeding me when I was about 2 years old. I never stopped on my own, because my mom stopped allowing it before I was ready to wean. Ever since then I have had uncontrollable needs to talk to her, to no avail. She would always be sleeping or working and not allowed to talk to me at certain times by my dad.
My father would stay up at night with me when I was about 5, and younger, and play movies when I wasn't feeling well. He would sip tea, and watch me watch Disney movies, while I would sit in silence, wishing my mom was there, and thinking and feeling in tremendous pain, isolation, fear, guilt, shame and confusion, desperately needing warm food, comfort, and reassurance from a caring mother.
I would often ask him to wake my mother, but he would only say that she was busy, or something of the sort.
This is the point where I must stop for now, but I just want to say that I truely appreciate the opportunity to open up, be honest, and show my true colors so that I may heal, grow, learn, and move on to bigger and better things and live the life that I deserve. I have a lot that I will achieve, and this is only the beginning.
My supports so far have been my wonderful Aunt who lives in N.Y., and has an amazing heart and drive that I admire and aspire to be like, and my friends online and in a few small communities.
Thanks for reading, and please do comment on any of the content if you have ANY advice, comments, or other words of WISDOM.

[erthdancr]

I have only been coming here for about six weeks. The first three weeks were very active and I got lots of communication, but over the last two or three weeks it has been pretty deserted. i would like to suggest that if you feel an urgent need to tell your story and get feedback from others in your situation, try the isurvive forum. Lots of activity there and someone is sure to respond. There is a link on the ASCA page under forums and e meetings.
I will keep checking back here from time to time, I just really hate to see all of you new folks who, just like me are only now getting up the courage to tell your story and have no one respond. It is really painful to pour your heart out and not have any one respond. Please give the isurvive forum a shot. I don't think you will be disappointed.

Hang in there
Erthdancr

[Emms]

Welcome here Harmony. I don't think that ppl here are ignoring anyone, just that ppl come and go, just as in any walk of life. We come here and tell our story, we talk over things and compare stuff that happened and the way we feel about it. We're still here for othres, just that after a time, ppls lives change and sometimes they don't get the chance to come on here as often as they once did.

Often, we feel that we have said enough, that we have told our story so many times that others will be tired of it. But as time goes on, more and more new ppl will come here and it will pick up again.

Harmony, my parents liked me to be sick. Well, my mother and grandma did, it made them feel they were in control if I was ill. It also gave my mother the attention and respect she wanted if she could say she was giving up so much to look after her sick daughter who she adopted and 'saved' and who she was giving her life up for. In truth, she hated me and was jealous of me and my dad and if fact, of me and any man including my early boyfriends. So I know a bit how you feel there. They didn't like the health officials hanging around though, they were scared stiff of outsiders, scared someone might find out the truth and see what crazy bastards they really were. No one ever did, until it was too late.