[Emms]

I think we need to be direct to try to help each other.

I get nights like that too, I usually listen to music but can also come on here cos when I'm supposed to be sleeping, most of you are awake and posting cos of the time difference. It has it's advantages.

[littleb]

hehe ur so sweet detach, no you didn't offend me at all!! The comment did hurt, but it wasn't you that hurt me, the truth hurts! lol! Sad but true, but no i didn't and i wont ever get mad at you for pointing out things like that. Its actually VERY helpful, because its NOT the 1st thing that pops into my head because I HAVE BEEN programmed to feel certain ways about things by my abusers. I appreciate any pointers when it comes to "unprogramming" yourself and learning to see things how the REALLY are instead of how you were raised to see them. And your right, she didn't leave, not for my brothers or me, but by that same token...she has been abused her whole life and was being abused at that time too, she didn't know better, and because she was being abused, she couldn't protect or save us from any abuse. She couldn't protect herself.

Speaking of, my mom, n her abuse, n mine....i just got off the phone with her. I told her about what he did. I wasn't going to, but AS IT TURNS OUT...the reason my younger bro came to me n said he thot he was gay, was because someone he met out in Cali, sexually molested him. Mom told me this, and it immediately resovled the issue as to "wether or not i should tell her" cuz i wasn't just telling her for me, i was doing it for my little brother too. So.....i guess my bro not gay, just sexually abused also. Saying he was "gay" was how he was dealing with it because he had been forced by an older man to do things, sexually, that he didn't want to do. So, i came out with it, so i could tell her how to help him, how to be supportive of him (cuz at this point i know she can't do it on her own, without my help).....and she WAS VERY upset but not with me, she was immediately upset with herself. And she did say some things, that had the old me heard the reply, I would have taken it wrong. For instance, she said "but why didn't you tell me?", and the old me would been like FU mom, i shouldn't have had to tell you, you should have known. BUT THE NEW ME, stepped back, realized that it was a natural (and a partially expected i must say) reaction and that she only said it as a gut intstinct. ANYWAYS...i calmly told her what happened, that i didn't want her to feel bad for it cuz he was abusing/manipulating her too, so she couldn't see it. I said if anything she should commend herself for being able to get away from him at all, cuz some ppl dont. i went into detail about the hows n whens for her...told her how i came to admit to myself, n what ive done so far. And I had to tell her, cuz if i didn't she wouldn't have known how to help my little bro, and he will need help to heal from this, esp with the life we've all had. I did it for someone else again, but atleast i did it, and i feel better knowing that not only did i do it, but my doing it is going to help my little brother.

She tells me she was sexually abused as a child too, as it turns out, by her great uncle, and my grandparents covered it up cuz they thot it would hurt her more to "know". She was very young n repressed it, and when she was 30 and the uncle died she recieved a letter from him that basically said "sorry" and by that point she had already had 2 kids by my abusive/insane father, and was prego with a third (my younger bro who was just recently molested) and life went downhill from there.....the picture of how the cycle of abuse has been going on in my family became SOOOOOO apparent. How my whole family has suffered from the abuse, not just immediate but other distant relatives too. ITs so much clearer now than it was before.

It was good, prolly cost me 2x my phone bill but it was good to get it out n talked about.

She did say she suspected but thot "it wasn't possible" or that "I would have said something" so i explained to her why children DONT say anything when it happens, told her the threats he made to me n the lack of self worth i had because of it, tht prevented me from telling her.

It was pretty involved, but it was good, and bad, but its done. i do feel better.

[Emms]

I'm glad you talked to your mom, littleb. It doesn't surprise me that she was abused to, it messes us all up so much but in different ways. She obviously never dealt with it though, lots didn't of her age, which is probably about my age or even younger. It's a kind of new thing, dealing with it. At least we're doing that.

[detach]

WOW...I'm sooooo glad you told her, that's one of the things you definately needed to get off your chest!....I'm glad you feel better also!

[detach]

I need to post...

I'm pissed off right now, been thinking about "everything" tonight and tried doing some writing and discovered that WHEW... am I mad!!!!

I will say that at this moment I feel "HATE" for my mom, sister and dad and I wish they would all drop dead, so that I don't have to worry that they'll try contacting me ever again!

Maybe that's the real reason why I was "worried" today. It was like a fog hanging over my head....worried about EVERYTHING. Maybe I am worried "they" will try to contact me and rock my world again??? Maybe THAT is/was the problem, how can I find peace if they may call? I need to talk my husband into letting me change our number soon, I can't take this!

Right now there's NO sadness only pure seething hate for these low life son of a bitches! I know it will pass but god I think I'm mad at myself also for allowing them to abuse and use me for so long. What a waste...

[Emms]

You're not crazy, well, if you are then so am I cos I've felt like that so many times I can't count. And yes, it does pass. Just horrible while it's with you.

[detach]

Yes, it wore off......feeling okay now....

Now, I don't HATE anyone, but HATE what they did. Don't get me wrong I still don't want anything to do with any of them though.

A part of me is still consumed with all this and probably will be for some time to come. I also post on a NPD forum as well, since my therapist diagnosed my sis and dad "by proxy"... of being narcissists. And this NPD diagnosis was really hard to swallow because I had to "give up" the fantasy that they were "somewhat" normal.....NO, they are not!

NPD is so complicated and confusing. I've been reading up on it for 4 mos and still haven't learned all there is to know!

believe it or not I'm still having to really come to grips about it all. There is essentially no cure and no hope for narcissists (not for recovery at least) and I'm use to fixing everything and everyone, so I'm really battling myself about it all. It's so hard!

My mom's a whole other issue, that I've already discussed. But this NPD it's so hard to wrap my mind around the pathological nature of the disorder. And there really is no reason to communicate again w/ NPD types because of their destructive nature. So, tha's why I'm so firm at the momment about wanting to stay no contact with them. Another words it's not that I can't forgive...but why should I if they are capable of doing the same thing again with no insight into their illness.

It seems the burden is on me yet again to carry the weight of this and other things. Their probably at home resting, eating bon bons while I'm typing and fretting!

Ohhh, what to do?...I wish I could just put it all behind me and let them live their miserable lives without me. Some day!

[detach]

Well, it's 4:30 am and I can't stay asleep AGAIN. Anyways, I was thinking about the fact that I like to fix peoples problems and wondered "why do I do that" aside from them wanting me to fix their problems? And I think it's so I don't have to feel their: pain, anxiety, anger, ect...If I make it okay for them, then it's okay for me too. Like a defense mechanism or something. I know I've been conditioned to do it, but that doesn't excuse it now that I'm an adult. Has to do with having unhealthy boundries I thnk.

Another thing I was thinking about is that when someone abuses us...I think they figure we had it coming! They think we did something to "ask for it" I seriously doubt that they think they did anything wrong (except for sexual, I don't see how they can excuse that away). And I doubt they think very much about what they did at all?

So, think about it, if they aren't thinking about it, then they aren't sorry, they don't feel bad, they don't "think" anything regarding their behavior or what they did. They may even think THEY are the victim in the situation.

Like my sis not telling me my bro-in-law died for 2 days, then said for me not to come to the funeral. Well when she emailed 1 mos later it's was all about her and how I didn't call her for 2 weeks prior to his death......nothing about what she did to me, NOTHING (some of this is her NPD though).

It just sucks that I'm never going to hear the words "I'm sorry"...or "I love you and didn't mean to hurt you so badly" or "I was wrong!"...

Okay, gonna try to go lay back down!

[Emms]

Hope you managed to get some sleep, detach. I had a great nights sleep last night but sometimes I'm like you and can't sleep at all, awful.

I think other ppl abuse us now cos we let them. We almost expect them to do it so we don't stand up for ourselves and we don't put a stop to it quickly enough. I'e done it a few times and for the past couple of years I was letting someone treat me really badly and imagining this person was my friend. She wasn't, her whole family are a bunch of users but I kept letting her get away with it until I finally blew up and told her to leave me alone cos I was sick of her and I walked away. Haven't heard from her or any of her family since, but there are worse things than having no friends, I still have one friend who I don't see that often but she's about the only one who never uses me and recently, after around 11 years, I learned that she was sexually abused too. She rarely talks about it though, she doesn't like to and if she's not ready, I won't force her. But we do tend to attract abusive ppl, I think, but that's not our fault. We got so used to it when we were children and then we couldn't do anything about it, we can now. We've all done it, allowed ppl to abuse us as adults, you're not alone there. It was different when we were kids, we had no choice, we do now. It's hard but we can do it.

[detach]

Yeah, having to have a defense to not get abused in the future is draining, it's a mind set I guess but one I'm not use to, therefore I find myself sometimes analizing what others say to see if their trying to get one over on me....I feel like I have to, since I was so naive' to my dad and sis's BS, my mom's was obvious at least.

As far as friends go, I have a few but I don't fully trust anyone right now. It's a stage I'm going through. I give them the opportunity to know my thoughts and feeling but I wouldn't be suprised if they hurt me with the info, but I'm giving them a chance at least. I have no desire to make NEW friends right now though, I find that just too much at the moment and I don't need the added stress.

[littleb]

lol im in the no friend boat too....and honestly, since ive stopped talking to my old abusive friends, i feel better. Being without friends is still better than being with "abusive so-called-friends".

I've been getting DEEP sleep lately, and I've been dreaming A LOT, dont know what the deal is, its like someone finally let the reigns go in the dreaming department upstairs. Before, I would have dreams but they'd be muddled n i couldn't remember them when i woke up. NOW, im having vivid dreams, n for the most part, i can remember everything. My dreams are still weird, dont make sense, but i can atleast remember them now.

I dont know if i said this before or not, maybe just thot about it, but i did figure out one of my reoccuring dreams that I've had. The one where I'm being attacked by what would have been seemingly harmless children and become paralyzed. I was thinking bout it a couple weeks back, cuz i think i had another dream involving that same theme (but not the same reoccuring dream i had), and anyways it just occured to me that the children seemed harmless....just like my abuser. And I became paralyzed, unable to fight back, just as I had been unable to do anything about my abuser and about my abuse. It occured to me that my dream wasn't about me being attacked my a child, but about me being attacked, persistantly throughout my childhood, by "a seemingly harmless person" aka my abusers, and about my inability to "stop" any of it. It was about me being helpless to these unsuspected monsters. (and in all of my dreams with this theme, my reoccuring and a few similar themed dreams, the children attackers went from innocent children i knew to literally monsters/vampire children that took away my life.)

Seems obvious now that i figured it out. Seems like since i've figured it out ive been having more, clear, dreams. And by default..more sleep, yay!

I had a dream night before last that I was in this big city in the sky, n i was with my mom, & "him" & "his ppl". The city in the sky, was the same city i currently live in, but it wasn't, if that makes sense? It was the same exact city, just not physically on the earth so therefore not the same city. Anyways, I was walking with all of them to the stadium we have downtown here. When we got there the stadium turned into this coliseum, like for gladiators, n suddenly I WAS the gladiator, and i was fighting while "they" (my mom, "him", n "his ppl") watched me from the stands. I felt vicious, n angry, like a real killer, n it seemed to just be getting worse the more they watched me. Like the more entertainment they got from watching me fight the more violent and uncontrolled i became.

Then i woke up, n my man had said something to me, but i dont know what. I felt bad tho cuz i thot he was yelling at me or something so i got up funky, but he hadn't really said anything to me at all.

I have been doing more of that too lately, the sleep walking, and I've got a new one to add to the list - waking dreams. I hadn't experienced this to my knowledge until last week, but its when you're starting to wake up, n you feel like you awake, n your brain incorporates things that are real into things that aren't, so you're looking at the real world, but you're mind is injecting pieces of dreams into it. Then you wake up n you feel like you were already awake, (so its not clear that you've just "woken up") but you come to find that waking dream didn't really happen, or couldn't have happened, n then you realize it wasn't "real".

Its like sleep walking, but part of what you see is real and part isn't. Whereas with sleepwalking your in a total dream state n nothing you see is "real". (there...that makes more sense lol)

[Emms]

You're so right littleb, it's better to have no friends than ppl around who make you unhappy. I leanred that by getting rid of a couple of so called friends. I do have one person I suppose I can still call a friend. Don't see her that often and she's got her own issues too but she doesn't use and abuse me at all. I'll stick with her and just seeing her now and again. I do have what you could call aquaintances, ppl who say hello and might talk about this and that if we meet on the off chance, but that's all. There are worse things than having no friends or family.
I wish I could comment on the dreams but I don't get tham that often. Perhaps I'm strange or soemthing.

[littleb]

Nah, i doubt its cuz ur strange, i dont think dreams are supposed to be something that you really know about, understand, or have that many of anyways, im sure it comes and goes as your subconcious wants it to, however that is. It would be nice to have a better understanding of them but......lol theres worse things to worry about too, so i should shut it up n count my blessings so 2 speak.

i gues my angst really resurfaced again with my man telling me i elbowed him in the face UFC style the other night while i was asleep...so now am thinking what im doing in my sleep that im unaware of. He implied i had done it on purpose but i dont remember ANYTHING i swear and i told him so....I wouldn't ever elbow him in the face, which is why i think he brought it up like he did. He made a joke out of it, like "ha ha you got me, good one"....and i was confused cuz i didn't remember doing anything. AT ALL. Made me feel bad so guess im just worried now.

So far, my dreaming/sleep problems, minus the one time i hallucinated from lack of sleep, has affected no one but me. And thats fine, not complaining, im GOOD with that, but it seems that its not going to stay that way. So when i sleep walk or have a waking dream (new to me but similar to S.W) and i begin having dreams like that it makes me worry. i felt like the incredible hulk the other night, seriously, woke up wanting to tear things up... and that worries me.

Lol used to, all i had to worry about was getting enough sleep, now i gotta worry about what i do before, during and after i sleep, having troubles making the transistions. Oh well, am sure i'll get over it or it'll get better one!

[detach]

I was praying last night and asking god "WHY do we have to feel such pain", I mean we can acknowlegde the abuse and neglect, but why can't he just heal us after that?....

I don't want to seem corny, but here's what I came up with..... We have free will to hang on to our pain for as long as we want...period. That it's our job to not only acknowledge the pain , but release our feeling regarding the abuse and pain, only then can god step in and heal us completely.

I also got a reference to make sense of it....say there's a infected wound that needs to ooze, but there's a tight bandage on that wound that traps the infection in, it wouldn't matter if you had the best doctor in the world, because with those factors it wouldn't heal. BUT, if the wound was allowed to drain for as long as it needed to, then was covered loosely it would heal nicely....all the infection would be gone.... (I'm a nurse so that's probably why I got the wound reference...haha) Does the refernce make sense to you also?.. or is it just me?

Anyways, I really let go last night before this and felt massive pain, so that's what made me pray about it. I had been writing as if I were speaking to my sis and dad and wheww did I get alot out, but very painful!

[littleb]

i understand what ur saying. a sortof "it gets worse (oozing wound) before it gets better (healed wound)" kind of thing?

Personally...not real big on the god/religion-thing, just me, i tend to refuses religion in general, but i get it, what your saying, all the same.

My poor little brother, he went to go see my dad a couple weeks back n got baptised but he did it for the wrong reasons i think. It was my same brother that was just recently (why do i feel so bad saying it...IM NOT even saying it im just typing it..) molested. I get it, the whole washing clean of your sins, but he didn't sin...what happened wasn't his fault. I want to talk to him about it but i dont think he knows that i know, mom told me and i dont want to push him with it ya kno?

Ive been feeling guilty for talking to my mom too.... ive had this nagging guilt since i talked to her. She said she was glad i told her, i cant say that i feel the same.... i dont know maybe i expected more, that it would resolve more if i said something, but it actually just made me feel worse. And i wonder, is it because i didn't do it for me...again... i did it cuz i felt it was the only way my mom would take my advice serious about my brother....and i SERIOUSLY wanted her to listen to me on matters of sexual abuse as it involved my lil brother...so am i feeling bad cuz i did it for him n not for me? Shouldn't i feel good about that? I feel bad that i made her feel bad about herself too, even tho she kinda deserves to feel bad (how long did i feel bad? She never noticed it then ya kno, so why should i feel bad now?) but ..... it doesn't help, i still feel bad. 2 wrongs never made a right, ....but what the hell did i do wrong to feel so bad about?

I hate arguing with myself lol

damn its tiring always feeling bad ya kno? i feel bla-ucky, like ive been dipped in some kind of energy depleating goo....just blah.