[Emms]

What that man did to you WAS abuse, no doubt about that.

Take your time writing things down. It's hard when you've been lied to so much, I l was also lied to and lied about, all my life by my so called mother. There's no rush, just write what you can when you feel you can and share what you want with us and not what you don't feel you can share. There's no pressure to do it, do things in your own time.

[AH03]

Gloworm, I have been through the sexual abuse (my brother for three years when I was a kid) and on days I wish I couldn't remember what happened to me. But at the same time I can't imagine being in your shoes and not remembering. I have flashbacks, usually when being touched in a certain way, so I don't know how to give you advice in remembering what you went through. But from what I've read (I'm knew here), it seems that the people are here to help give you advice and encourage you in whatever way you need. It's what I've needed and it seems to be what you need. The fact that you are here, trying to get help from others with similar experiences shows your strength and your courage. Keep going. Open up your mind and try to do some research, whether online or at a local library, to find out how to start remembering what you went through. Good luck and remember we are here for you!

[sbgurl82]

Please just bare with me im new here i havent read alot of other peoples posts in this forum yet and i feel for those that are here and know how u feel im sure. I was reading threw the manual and doing the safety first section exercises and things started to surface for me somethings i never even either realized or just buried so deep that they didnt come up for air so to speak, Theres alot more to come but ive been doing some writing and this is what came out so far

Cried last night don’t want to remember just don’t want to remember. New found memories or just memories just buried so deep that they were forgotten. Been reading things other people post in my support group and there so similar to mine. I hate the memories I don’t want to remember I don’t want to feel it but have to to get better. What happens when I loose it I cant I wont loose it but I have to to get better. I know in my heart all that happened is wrong but the doubts it must be me im such an awful person. she hit me he touched me in so many ways I didn’t want paralyzed in fair could stop it couldn’t breath from the tears being held inside. Im doing nothing he said with a strange smile and giggle. ya right do u really believe u did nothing IM so angry I hate him. Things I just didn’t realize were abuse I guess I don’t even know. more detail to this later just cant handle the whole story now. Im scared of the feelings that will come up if I right till my hands cant write anymore But I was abused this I do know and it hurts inside and outside to this day. writing this even makes me want to cry now and its not even the surface of the things that happened.

I recently just started an online forum group where and a workbook on my abusive childhood. Ive been working pretty well with the first part until now when I started reading things about abuse of all types and started remembering things that I really didn’t or didn’t want too. Things that im not sure fit into my recovery but yet they happened and hurt me so they have too Right?? Simple childhood things that I thought happened to everyone might not have. Isnt it normal for a child under 4 to have a sip of there fathers beer when his drinking or being curious of the taste of it . Or to be in a car they are driving when they have been drinking. What kind of parents did I have?? I don’t know Im filled with anger and confusion now what the heck is this all about. Where does the picking my head with a comb to get the dandruff out fit inot my abuse That surely had to be as it did hurt and made me feel like I wasn’t clean enough to be loved or seen in public or wanted by anyone. So many questions and memories flooding my head What did I do that was so wrong that I couldn’t be good enough for anyone. I cant handle so many of life's normal things. Wash or bath everyday Why?? once a week was fine as a child in my house. Not going to the doctor without the government funding the gas the fighting and arguing to get it. Any parent with a sick child should do without for them and would. Was that abuse Too?? Having health problems such as mine how could he insert his hands where hands don’t belong while caring for me. Where hands don’t belong at all in any child for any reason. Being hit with a telephone just for asking for something like a drink or something to eat my basic needs. Learning because of this not to ask for things or need things. Abuse sucks and I havent even touched the bare surface of it all yet. How could I have forgotten the fondling of my breast by him. The denying he ever did anything and he was just trying to help is all bull shit I hate him.


Im sorry these are journal not in and real order as of yet or with much detail i guess that its a place to start im hurting right now its not fair. and when u turn around at the end of the day nobody understands how this all feels or what the body memories are even like and nightmares or terrors when ur not even really alseep but u are at the same time. I just felt like i needed to share both of theses and not even sure if its in the right places.

SBGURL

[Emms]

sbgurl, we do understand. Believe me, we've all been there but it does get better. The time will come when you can remember and talk about these things, it will, but it doen't happen overnight, it can take years but you can get there cos I can talk about my memories now. Sometimes I feel sad now when I go over things, sometimes I get angry and sometimes I just feel nothing. But the feelings I get I can cope with now, can even hide them at times and when I do really feel angry about my past, and it's usually thoughts about my mother that trigger it, I do get very angry but only show it when I'm safe and on my own. At other times I can kind of control it now, but that wasn't always the case. I've made a lot of mistakes and my life was a mess at one time, but it does get better, we can all heal.

[sbgurl82]

ITs not that i dont remember stuff or even that i cant talk about it. I dont like the feelings i feel that go with it tho. Ive gotton so bad as to not even feels safe when im fully dressed and alone I still need to be wrapped in a blanket as tight as it possibly can be to feel safe. I think its crazy but maybe its normal. I wasnt even sure any of the stuff that happend to me as a child was abuse till i got out of it and started to question people on what things were like for them growing up. Or finding myself saying stuff about my parents and peoples reactions would be like it was the most drastic thing that could have happened to someone. All i can say as if this point and i guess its a big step is I WAS ABUSE thats for sure. and for as long as i can remember even things that i didnt see as abusive im beginning to learn now were abusive.

[Emms]

Of course remembering these things will give you feelings you don't like, that really is 'normal' when you're healing from abuse. What I'm trying to say is that it does get better as time goes on.

As for not feeling safe, that can go on for a long time and wanting to be wrapped in a blanket does help sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with that. When we are very young, none of us relaized we were being abused, I didn't, not for a long time though I did cotton on quite early that my life wasn't the same as others and that my family were quite strange. But I was an adult before I really 'got it' that I was abused, sexually and physically and emotionally. The fear seems to have gone now for me but I still have the anger, the frustration of how unfair it all was and how ppl could have stopped a lot of it if they had only listened and believed me.

I don't beat myself up over it now though, it's over and can't happen again but the one little fear that never leaves me is the fear of not being believed, the fear of being blamed for things I haven't done. That's still an issue with me, it even gets me when I watch movies or TV programmes and the story is about someone being falsely accused of something. It makes me angry but I have to hide it. Still, sometimes I sit on my own and pretend I'm talking to my parents, even though they're both dead now. And in my secret thoughts I tell them both just what they did to me, what I think of them for it and tell them I hope they're burning in hell now, esp my mother. I guess the the things I say in my head don't make me a very nice person. I can't forgive them. They don't deserve my forgiveness to be honest, not in my opinion and it's amazing how much better I feel after I've had one of those imaginary conversations with them. I still actually love my dad, but not her, not the woman who made my life so miserable. The way I feel now to be honest is that she isn't even worth the trouble of me talking about her, that's how theraputic writing on this forum can be and if it can help me, it can help others to vent here too.

[sbgurl82]

thanks for making me feel as tho im not alone and alot of what i been thinking has been validated today which i guess its a good thing. Ive tried to write both my parents letters talking about how i feel and never sending them but ripping them up but would really need to be in a safe environment to do that and tho. Im safe from harm here and the people i live with now would never harm me. But on the other hand they have never been threw what i have and would and pretty much refuse to handle my breakdowns when the occur by ssaying its all in the past and i need to get over it. I feel liek im secretly dealing with this and not wanting them to find out i come to this site. why should it even matter to them but they will say its in the past leave it there. how can i leave a big part of me that was never dealt with and still hurts. Ive even thought about moving out and living on my own only having contact with the people that are good influences on my recovery and willing to help me when and with whatever it is that I NEED. I NEED or WANT is something that where im am now doesnt get understood alot. I even feel like somtimes if i lived on my own i would re create my childhood and live it the way i should have to being with. A child that was never a child jsut inst fair I hate it. I somehow always go back to infancy when im scared or at least toddler age and that seems to be the safest place for me. is that disassociation ?? I still struggle with being out of my body for anything that involves me being naked and when i do that its as if im across the room looking right at an experience that i once had somehow. thats all i can get out for now thanks for listening...

[sbgurl82]

hi wsb just a tab confused if u were talking to me or replying to the post above mine either way just wanted to make sure it got noticed

[Emms]

Wsb, it's amazing how being blamed and punished for stuff you didn't do for years (with me it lasted til my mother died in 2007) can damage us. I know personality disorders have been mentioned before and of course being abused can cause personality and behavioural problems, but they can improve, mine did with time. As for our abusers, they are the ones with the real personality disorders, not us. I'm sure my mother fitted the criteria for a sociapath, the one who has no conscience, she fits that description on many of the sites I've looked at and fits other disorders too. Thing is, if you read about the 'milder' kind of so called disorders like borderline personality disorder and those they used to call 'inadequate' (that was the label they gave me), then I'm afraid the description of ppl like that fits most of the so called 'normal' ppl I've ever met, at least at some time in their lives it fits them anyway. So I'm not sure about this whole 'personality disorder' thing. As long as someone's behaviour is acceptable to most, doesn't purposely offend or harm anyone, then I don't see that as a disorder, just that we're all different.

What was done to us was done by ppl who knew damn well they were doing wrong, hurting, abusing, molesting, damaging, lying, cheating or whatever, they just didn't care how they hurt ppl as long as they had control or got whatever they wanted and they knew exactly whaat they were doing. Now THAT'S a disorder, not just having an issue with something like blame or not trusting ppl, things like that. I used to self harm when I was younger and that's classed as a behavioural disorder, but is it? I see it as a symptom of hurt and damage cos it doesn't have to be a permanent thing, it's possible to change. Abusive ppl can't change, they never do, they are the ones with the disorders in my opinion, we've just got symptoms of the damage done to us and we can heal, they can't.

[sbgurl82]

You both touched on some really good points in both ur topics. Am I normal hell no will i ever be hell no. Whats been done to use changes or what of life forever it no doubt gets to be more managable but i never seem like i fit into main stream society and never felt as if i ever have. Trying to get threw an adult world when i never had the stepping stones to begin with. I find childhood games and play very comforting for me. Yet theres that little voice inside that keeps saying what will everyone think if they see u they will think ur nuts. i hate how there seems to be a label to anything that doesnt seem to fit in the world and be exactly like most of the world but theres never a label for those 90% that act and percieve the world and just fine...Sm i making sense im nto even sure its been a rather really stressful day for me.

[sbgurl82]

somehow it feels like ur the first person that really understood that. I mean i do have really good friends that encourage my play even act as a parent in my play and my world. thers just some that dont understand it and have no problem expressing there problems with it. IT just makes the hurt feelings even stronger and things hurt even more.

[sbgurl82]

this just being a short thanks for ur input wsb. Its great to know im not alone in my feels and my handling of them. My playtime is really the only time everything s huts off and im not scared. Also i think threw my friends which im able to play with is the time when im more open about what happened to me and able to talk about it as i dont seem to be able to as comfortably in my adult self so to speak i guess its a way of putting it. ITs my very few friends that im am able to be playful with that know the real me and are wiling to comfort those childhood feelings in a parent like way. It really brings me a sense of calm and peace. Somehow though i still feel like a freek for playing and being childlike i struggle with it being a part of me and not soemthign that i really control.

[saturnreturn]

I was already 30 years old when I found out my father could still hurt me. I thought I was free from that, since I had lived the past years in two different countries and had not had contact with him. But it happened that I sent lots of my books to my mother's house. He practically broke into the house, as they were already separated, took some of his stuff but also took away MY BOOKS. Now, he spent his whole life telling me that I would fail in life, because I only amassed "useless culture" (sorry, english is not my mother tongue and I don't know how I could translate it better). He always despised what I did, what I studied, never cared to ask or to know anything about it. Then he stole my books and refused to give them back to me at first. My mother had to threaten call the police. This was the last thing he did to me, and he has a long history of abuse. What kind o parent steals his own child? This episode, I think, was the one that awakened my hatred for my father.

[sunshinegirl]

" Somehow though i still feel like a freek for playing and being childlike i struggle with it being a part of me and not soemthign that i really control."

sbgurl:feelings can feel really freaking scary at times. And what you are doing being childlike is frightening because when you were a child it was frightening. These things that you are doing are hard and scary. The only comfort that I get when I have these feelings is still to hop into bed under the blankets its the only thing that seems to work for me.

Being with your child and comforting and nurturing ( the things that as an abused child you missed out on) your child will help you heal from your abuse. The key is nurturance also called re-parenting. Yes thats right you get to be your own parent. You can look after the tiny broken child inside you with all the love that it needs. This is the key to passing through the pain. God I wish I could remember this at times for my own healing... I still have to work at it. Remember your feelings are reallly important - listen to your body it will tell you whats up with you. Your feelings are really hard to accept at times too. It takes a bit of work - your doing great!

[Corky]

This is the first time I've ever posted on here. I just joined today, and wasn't really sure where to start, so I just dove in reading some, first. I was molested, (it's still a very difficult thing for me to admit), by my father and another male relative at different times when I was a child. I remembered some of them from the time they occurred, onward, but one incident was pushed way back into the corners of my mind. I guess my brain had blocked it out. The memory returned to me one day so suddenly that it shocked me. It was actually three different tastes converging that triggered it. I don't know if this helps you, but it may take something like that to make your memories resurface as well. Mine was a totally accidental discovery, and it came from things I generally had avoided, although I'd had them as a child. Is this making sense? I don't feel comfortable discussing what they were specifically, but maybe you could experiment with foods. Textures, and smells can trigger memories, as well.