[boatguy]

I feel for you littleb, hang in there my friend, hang in there.

[Raingirl]

I'm 30 and just found this site so apologies for the very long entry, but there is a kind of question at the end of it all!!! I have had counselling and CBT and the emotional and physical abuse I suffered as a child/teenager is a regular topic of discussion during these sessions. I have come to realise I have been depressed for most of my life and although I have finally begun to truly understand what being happy feels like in the last couple of years (thank god), I still have my weaker moments and am still finding it difficult to move on without validation or acknowledgement from my family. Both my parents abused me, although my mother normally apologised after her outbursts, and both parents suffered some sort of abuse in the past themselves. I recently took a second overdose, and when I brought up the topic afterwards with my mum she made me feel guilty again – she’d say, ‘Why do I always remember the bad things? What about the good times? It was all in the past and I shouldn’t keep bringing it up, it was just being smacked – not really abuse, she was smacked too…’ - Often I feel like I am going mad, because my two other sisters were treated differently, so I have no-one to back me up. It’s like it didn’t happen and I’m supposed to accept I am the way I am for no real reason. I know that I am responsible for my actions and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but surely this should apply to my parents too?! Why should I continue to be responsible, when they never had to own up to these huge mistakes?!

My biological father committed suicide when I was very young and within a year or two, a new potential father was on the scene. As far as I can remember, I found him intimidating and scary, but was desperate for a new dad to love and we initially got on well. On the whole both my parents provided everything I could have asked for - we went for regular walks, visits to museums, libraries, cinema, shops etc, we had loads of holidays abroad, hobbies and activities paid for, I was able to and still can rely on them if I am ever in financial difficulties, the list goes on... We were brought up to be well mannered, tough and educated very well. I love my parents and am proud of them for all these reasons and more.

However, my first memory of the new father in our lives was forcing us to eat our dinner (this was before he became ‘dad’) and the second was him trashing our playroom - I don't remember why, just that I was terrified and that he smashed our favourite toy horse and threw other things around the room. It continued like this – moments with generally loving parents interspersed with outbursts of violence. We were regularly smacked as punishment, occasionally with just a hand, but usually with slippers. On the couple of times my sister or my mum have almost acknowledged these events, they have admitted that I was a very well behaved child and that I got the worst of it all. I began to expect to be told off, whether I had done anything wrong or not, and expect to be hit or punished in some other way. As a kid I would get clouted round the head (and nearly fall to the ground) by my father for things as trivial as not understanding what a ‘holdall’ was, or as a teenager, for forgetting my house keys one time. Another time my father came home to find my mother in a state, on top of me on the kitchen floor, suffocating me. He promptly pulled me off, began shouting at my mum and then at me for starting it all. I remember that he then dragged me upstairs by my hair because I had bruises on my neck afterwards – conveniently they looked like a love-bite and at 15/16, I had to ignore people’s teasing at school and keep the truth silent, because despite everything I still loved them and didn’t want them to get into trouble. On holiday, my mum hit me and I was forced to wear a T-shirt in the swimming pool so people wouldn’t ask about the bruises. The last physical incident I recall was my mum hitting me with a gas canister on my legs, but I left home when I was 18, so the physical abuse obviously stopped then, as did my bed-wetting despite lots of different treatments by doctors before then. Although I don’t believe I was ever sexually abused, I often felt very uncomfortable (somewhat dirty) when made to give hugs and kisses to my dad and on one occasion I remember waking up and finding I was naked from the waist down. I still have no idea why, to this day, but for some reason it sticks in my memory and still makes me feel physically disgusted and cringe now.

As anyone reading this post will know, there is never really physical abuse without emotional as well, but this is always harder to explain. My father found it hard to disassociate with his work-mentality and came home continuing to be the ‘big scary boss’. I was constantly put down in an attempt to make me work harder and achieve more – e.g. compared to other more successful children at school. Even into adulthood it felt like a power trip – he made me remove his socks and shoes in front of my first boyfriend. To embarrass me jokingly or to assert his authority, I’m not sure, but I know I was scared what would happen if I didn’t follow his orders. I was told by my father that I was worthless, stupid, fat, big whoop my dad had died, but at least he had come along and saved me, no-one cared ….and he even wrote it all down in a letter to me when I was about 23, but I burnt it – never showing it to mum. We were brought up to be ‘tough little soldiers’ – no pain, no gain. Joking in our family was often at the expense of others – Dad would frequently take the mickey out of me whether I found it funny or not. Often when my sister was naughty he would laugh it off, commenting on her ingenuity…I only recall my mistakes being punished. Into adulthood I was taunted for my appearance – told I ‘always’ look like a mess, I’m fat etc. (I had put on weight and wore baggy clothes because I disliked myself and felt worthless!!!) Funnily enough both my parents were overweight when I was called this. I never told anyone (just a friend when I was 16) until counsellors allowed me to tell the truth. Into adulthood I would frequently ‘blank out’ sitting for hours not thinking or doing anything. I began to self harm as a young child – just scraping myself repeatedly with sharp objects or hitting myself. Later I took tablets. At times I would stop eating – I enjoyed the stomach pains and thinking that at least I might be more pleasant looking as a result. Eventually sometimes I actually craved to be beat up, I guess so I could feel something or so I could feel that the world was right – because I deserved nothing more.

I would love nothing more than to be able to draw a line and let all of this go and one day I will – I am constantly trying to reprogram my mind, better myself, find happiness, forgive past mistakes and move on…..but it’s a constant battle. I am who I am and unfortunately I have learned how to crave affection in any way possible, test people and push them away when I don’t feel they are supporting me, live by others’ opinions of me, defend myself at any opportunity because truthfully I don’t know what to believe or how to act half the time…and this behaviour and my depression affects every single relationship I now try to form. I have avoided having children (although I love them and work with them) because I did not want to continue the cycle. I’m not stupid – I understand that I am worth something, that I am loveable, beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful etc and that the only person I can truly rely on is myself and that I won’t find peace until I can accept this. But my inner child still guides my emotions when I am low - I am still aching for that unconditional love and support that your parents are supposed to give.

I would love validation – confronting both of them, but my dad had a stroke a while back. He still acts like the boss, but he doesn’t have the same strength. If I talked to him, I am not even sure if he would remember, and I know that talking to anyone in the family upsets mum. I have a half-sister who didn’t suffer any abuse at all and another (full sister!) who seems unscathed by it all and also has a foggy memory of it. I don’t want to cut off my nose to spite my face, and I would like to be the bigger person here and continue my relationship with my whole family. So…how do I get them to treat me like an adult now, with respect (despite any mental health issues I am working on) without having to bring up the past?

Thanks for listening – I hope my issues have helped at least one other person feel less alone.

[Emms]

This site makes a lot of us feel we're not alone. Welcome here and welcome to the other new ppl.

You're right, there is always emotional abuse with both physical and sexual abuse, it all goes together. Depression is a horrible thing, takes a lot of woprk to get out of it and I still slip back into it again, I'm down at the moment. But things do get better, I know they do cos they have for me in the past and a time comes when you look back and realize that so many ppl have problems too. We're not alone.

[kestrel]

When I started working I set ground rules with my parents of how I wanted to be treated. When my father was drinking I had nothing to do with him. This was for my protection and did not go down well with the family but I could not start to heal without setting these ground rules. It is not easy as my father never accepted right to the end that he had a probelm - he died of liver failure. It is the same with my mother but I was prepared for the fact that she may not accept the new me and I would have to limit access. It is very not easy as some families do prefer to pretend like it never happened and don't want the boat rocking.

[Emms]

I think many families do this. My children, esp my daughter, likes to do it and likes to pretend there were no problems with her grandparents, my parents, my mother especiially. She doens't like talking about it and doesn't like thinking about them as crazy ppl. I understand this and we rarely talk about them. But she's in her 30s now and as she's a police officer and has been for some years, she should be able to handle these kind of things. She still can't though, she wants it all to be perfect.

[GoldenLife2010]

Moving forward is a huge issue for me. I don't know how. It seems like the angry little child inside of me has taken control. How do I move forward?

[DianaJoy]

I wish there was an easy answer, GoldenLife2010. The ASCA steps have been very helpful for me.

I've also found a lot of help in doing inner-child work - specifically working on what the little-girl-in-my-heart needs. I found the book _Recovery of Your Inner Child_ really helpful. I borrowed it from the local library.

I also found I had to let myself feel the anger, walk right on into it, before I could let it go. Sometimes the only way out is through. Good luck!

[Raingirl]

Been a while since I first found this site and posted.... I just wanted to let everyone know that 2 weeks ago I CONFRONTED MY FAMILY!!!

The short of it is, if you're thinking of doing it, it's incredibly scary, but I have had the BEST 2 weeks of my entire life....despite attempts to get at me over my birthday period. I am soooooo glad I did it, and soooooo proud of myself, but am currently havin a bit of a cry about it - releasing old emotions and hurt...so just wanted some kind words from people.

I spent my whole life thinkin I was crazy....and now I realise that my mum, dad and both sisters have been using me as the family scape-goat. They are convinced that I am a lying manipulative bitch who is making it all up....because NONE of them seem to remember. (Even though they frequently contradict themselves on this point) The really sad thing is that my closest sister recently had a baby...and whilst I thought we might be able to continue the relationship....it seems she is too far 'in it' to be trusted. I am supposed to be an aunty for the first time......and the poor little baby boy has nothing to do with any of this. It's so cruel!

PLEASE, please just tell me it's all good and I did the right thing! I know it is, but the life-long paranoia is tryin to raise its head. Plus I've realised I'm actually a really caring, lovin person....so it hurts to think how much doing this could've hurt them!

Also, PLEASE, is there a good site about how abusers (and groups of people) can blank out memories, whilst the victim still remembers?!

Thanks in advance...it was partly thanks to this site that I have found strength & self-respect and changed my life for the better! M xo

[Raingirl]

Been a while since I first found this site and posted.... I just wanted to let everyone know that 2 weeks ago I CONFRONTED MY FAMILY!!!

The short of it is, if you're thinking of doing it, it's incredibly scary, but I have had the BEST 2 weeks of my entire life....despite attempts to get at me over my birthday period. I am soooooo glad I did it, and soooooo proud of myself, but am currently havin a bit of a cry about it - releasing old emotions and hurt...so just wanted some kind words from people.

I spent my whole life thinkin I was crazy....and now I realise that my mum, dad and both sisters have been using me as the family scape-goat. They are convinced that I am a lying manipulative bitch who is making it all up....because NONE of them seem to remember. (Even though they frequently contradict themselves on this point) The really sad thing is that my closest sister recently had a baby...and whilst I thought we might be able to continue the relationship....it seems she is too far 'in it' to be trusted. I am supposed to be an aunty for the first time......and the poor little baby boy has nothing to do with any of this. It's so cruel!

PLEASE, please just tell me it's all good and I did the right thing! I know it is, but the life-long paranoia is tryin to raise its head. Plus I've realised I'm actually a really caring, lovin person....so it hurts to think how much doing this could've hurt them!

Also, PLEASE, is there a good site about how abusers (and groups of people) can blank out memories, whilst the victim still remembers?!

Thanks in advance...it was partly thanks to this site that I have found strength & self-respect and changed my life for the better! M xo

[DianaJoy]

Good for you, WelchMaria!

It sounds like your family is up to their butts in denial. They may cringe from the truth, or from you for speaking the truth, just like a child cringes from having a scrape washed. Yes, it can hurt. But there has to be truth before there can be healing.

I strongly suspect that your family has repressed their memories, or they do remember and pretend they don't. My father is an expert at that second tactic.

[Raingirl]

Thanks DianaJoy! Lol!
And, yeah you're right. It's hard but I guess like us, you have to accept the truth within yourself, and until you do, nobody - no matter how good their advice - can help you.
I've just got to carry on being the person I've always wanted to be. My door remains open...and maybe one day they'll get curious and maybe we'll talk again...
Is there an actual site where I can read more about repressed memories...not just in the victim?!
Thanks for making me smile. :D

[Glider39]

Wow, welchmarie! You are to be commended about confronting your family. At this point, I could not even imagine that. I deal with very similiar circumstances (where I am the black sheep of the family). This troubles me so much, that I recently wrote my family a letter letting them know how I feel and why... I wrote it last week but I haven't mail it yet. lol. I got up enough courage to write the letter, but know I am having reservations. My family are also in denial about everything that happened to me when I was younger. Since I have been told that I lied about the whole thing, at times, I find my self wondering if it is all a lie! I keep asking myself, 'did I make this whole thing up'. But the evidence is there. The nightmares are too real and my heart is hurting.

[Raingirl]

Thank you Glider!
I actually sent letters and cards and mail and texts to my family a year before, just to say I wasn't livin in the past anymore and that I wanted to move forward. Funnily enough, each family member doesn't recall any of these things...so I guess I must be 'lying' again!!! Not sure what's going on with their postman - he loses a lot of stuff I send.

I found this in an article - might help:

'What we found,' he says, is that most people remember horrific experiences all too well. Victims of abuse are seldom incapable of remembering their trauma, in fact they're far less likely to forget traumatic than everyday events and if anything, would prefer to remember them less well,' he says.

Of course there are cases of people forgetting about unpleasant events. 'A common pattern is that something happens that you know was wrong. You don't mention it to your parents or friends because you don't want to worry them. Then you get on with your life and it seems to disappear from your memory.'


Even after 'the talk' I continued reading my diaries and had to ask a close friend to re-read it asking whether (as devil's advocate) they thought there was any possibility of me making it up. I KNOW what happened, because I was there, and I never forgot - hence the previous remarks from my family about remembering just the bad stuff. It is not a case of fake repressed memories, because although I didn't really talk to anyone about it, I have remembered them since they happened and gone over them in my mind regularly. And now, it's as though the only bad stuff that happened in the family, was down to ME! I mean, I left home when I was 18 and they don't even know who I am....so I VERY much doubt I am the sole cause of their unhappy lives. (I'm 32 now)

They have transferred events, changin people responsible for the hitting and I believe my mother has fed me a LOT of lies (or rather, mis-truths)
and blamed other people for her own mistakes. I think because they lashed out when their emotions were out of control, they felt guilty and therefore 'erased' it from their mind....or completely changed it.

The other option of course, is that they are doing this on purpose and using me as a scape-goat to soothe their own consciences. I do not know, but I really, really hope it is the former. It is completely surreal when you start to think about it though...how can I be so different? Why was I picked on particularly? My real dad killed himself when I was little...how could my mother of all people allow all this to happen....and now DENY it!?!?! It's like a movie or something!

People are complex. No-one can know you better than yourself. Once you are secure in yourself (away from them) you will find things much clearer. I was taught that I was wrong from the beginning...so I'm still feelin somewhere between 2 weeks and a year old....it will take time, and I haven't worked it all out yet - don't know if I will send them abuse information or try writing individual letters.....or even if it is worth it. They say that I could have been lying in my diaries and told stories to everyone else so much that I now believe them. Very, very, very sad situation.....but I know now I am naturally a good and very loving person. I have too much to give to be able to hide away - I am concentrating on being an amazing friend to people I feel deserve it now. I deserve to be happy......and so do YOU!

What else is life for?! :D

[Emms]

welchmaria, I think you did brilliantly facing your family like that. I think they remember all too well what happened to you but they choose to change the events in their heads. Ppl often do that in my experience, my family did and my father was really good at it. It's like we all remember what we want to remember at times. I never forgot most of the trauma I suffered as a child, just that I pushed one part of it right out of the way for many years, that was when I was actually raped by one of my mother's boyfriends. She knew about it then yet refused totally to accept it and blamed me for 'attacking myself down there' as she put it, making myself bleed. She cleaned me up and tried to make me believe I really had done it to myself, she acted like it was the truth and I just kind of gave up after that, but I always knew deep down. I never forgot the things she did to me though, physically and emotionally, or the sexual touching my granfather did to me, but even though my dad knew much of what was going on (though not sure he knew about the sexual stuff with me though he knew my mother had afffairs), he always took her side and pretended nothing bad was happening to me. It was only just a few months before his death 18 years ago that my dad did actually start to talk to me about the past and it became apparent that he did know things and wanted to start opening up a bit, but sadly he passed away before the talks really got going between us. As for my mother, there was no way I could confront her, she totally denied it then would lie about me to others to get me into trouble, I was still afraid of the things she would say even when she died, just over 3 years ago and I'm 58 years old now. So ppl like that choose to believe what they want to, we just have to realize that, there was nothing we could do about it, it was not our fault. I now know that my mother and a lot of her side of the family had some serious personality problems but she was very good at hiding them. Even her doctor didn't know how bad things were but he did say to me that he knew she was 'rather neurotic'. She was the kind of woman who, if I had contronted her, would have waited til she was alone, thrown herself down the stairs or something, then called a neighbor to ask for help and say I'd pushed her, that was how she was right til the day she died, she was never to be trusted.

I just want to say that although I can never forgive her, I do understand in a way why she behaved as she did. She was a very damaged woman brought up by badly damaged parents who all knew how to put themselves forward as the perfect family yet kept themselves isolated so no one ever knew the truth.

[Raingirl]

Wow Emms, sounds like you've had a hell of a time! And thank you for your support. Your last sentence just proves what a wise, caring and understanding person you are. Bravo! You're right, for people to create alternative stories or blank them out, they must have serious problems themselves. I know I didn't remember many of the things I said to people when I was severely depressed....and I used to go blank, like a robot switching off...as a way of escaping from the world.

I guess that's what makes it worse for us. We understand how fragile the human mind is, and how emotions can make us crazy. I personally think that I could help them come to terms with everything, if only they would begin to question what I've told them. I've had to clear my own head and reprogram it, learn how to grow up and take responsibility for my actions....and forgive. But it took a lot of dedication and research and experience - I jumped in the deep end and ended up working with children with severe emotional behavioural disorders (most had abusive/neglect in their families)

I am very proud of the fact that when I spoke to my family I remained calm, and even listened to them adapting my argument in a way that they might understand. (Proud of my boyfriend too, because he came with me and calmly played devil's advocate) I stayed true to myself. And I left the door ajar for them. Because no matter what I say, I do still love them. They are human...and I can't help it. (Plus my youngest sister has been dragged into it and doesn't deserve any of this either)
But I'm human too.....and the fact of the matter is, I choose NOT to hit people for any reason. I have to live my life, my way. And I hope that lots of others read this....and question their own beliefs. If you don't agree with or abuse other people, then you don't have to accept it from ANYONE!

If you are reading this and you are still doubting yourself or not sure whether to make a stand of any kind, let me tell you that a couple of years ago I was still self harming, pushing people away, depressed, had constant headaches, stomachaches, year round colds, I was hardly walking at one point due to back issues, I managed to develop panic attacks, severe tension headaches....oh and I didn't like myself at all.

Now....I LOVE BEING ME! I feel incredibly blessed, empowered, much much surer of who I am, I used to think I was indecisive and now revel in my openmindedness, I am blissfully happy and it does not matter what will happen to me.........because I have found inner peace! I scoff at colds and illnesses....my mind is sooooo much healthier, that my body is absolutely loving it and paying me back tenfold. I have also been able to help others, which is beginning to help me secure some amazing friendships...and eventually my own family. I'm now looking forward to having and fostering LOADS of kids one day. :)

This didn't all happen overnight of course.....but the path I chose, led me here and making a stand was like making a promise out loud to myself.
I wrote on my mirror before I went to see them:
You are strong
You are right
You can do it
I meditated on the way there and just breeeeathed.
I sent texts to best friends and told them what I was about to do - the responses helped too.
Then I told myself and my boyfriend that I had already done it, it was difficult, but I had already done it. So once I was there, I had no other choice....even when they weren't in or it was 'the wrong time' for them....I had to continue.
Honestly, it was pretty shit and upsetting, but NOTHING compared to how miserable I have been most of my life - took hours, not years.
And afterwards, a huge weight and guilt and anger was lifted.
I wrote over my mirror when I got back: I DID IT!!! :D

We doubt because we care. And if you're there thinking nobody loves you....well I do, and I don't even know you! Remember, it's never too late to have a happy childhood! We ALL deserve one. ;)