[sunshinegirl]

aww man. i am having this relationship with this guy and thinking that I cannot do not want to leave him because i like the company, crazily crave the company of him and yet a a loathe to put up with his angryness at me anymore. I feel like I have talked to him about it and enough is enough! Ive had enough of the angry-ness directed at me esp. when I am chatting about my vunerable feelings and he'll just get up and angry at me. Its crazy inducing stuff cos then he'll blame me about it. It reminds me of talking to my mother, shes the one yelling and screaming about me doing this and me doing that and its not coming from me its coming from her. Fuck he sucks. I am very dichotomised at present over the whole thing. anyways I was reading previous posts about people who stay with people because they dont want to be alone and was thinking yup.. thats me. I am overcome with a terrible fear of leaving him. I think its the idea of being without a comfort and all alone in the world - it definitely is a major disincentive to being alone or free of the bastard - I mean Ill have no one to cuddle me and comfort - all of which still happens amongst the shit. I mean would I could I go on without that.... and how would I go on without that???? thats the scary part for me.

[kestrel]

Wow Welchmaria - You have done incredibly and well and I am really glad that the confrontation went well for you.

[rider86]

Hi, i´m kinda in the same situation as littleb, i feel i should confront my abuser, because i fear he may do it to other people, but i don´t know if that would stop him, i think that´s one of the biggest issues i have to take care of...

[sunshinegirl]

yeah Ive never thought about this issue. I mean I am not sure it is him for sure, I cant remember the people involved with my abuse so thats a really big issue for me. I mean I wouldn't want to act on something that I wasn't completely sure of.
The other thing is, is that he lives in another country, I heard one of his daughters hit the streets when she was 12 and this is very unlike the family they like to portray. I mean they like to keep up appearances for the church. The rest of their children, her older siblings must have felt for her situation and I think one of the older girls was independant from the house.
But the thing is is that for her to have hit the streets, things must have been incredibly awful at her home and I have a feeling that she was abused by him and the family closed ranks and didn't support her.

I have a feeling that their are things that my mother, grandmother, and aunties know about him too - (hes my uncle), things that they are too afraid to say, afraid for what that means for them. I think they have their own issues about it, but of course its not talked about. That has to be a number one contribution to continuing abuse - the fact that it is not talked about.....
Another reason why I haven't done anything is because of his wife, I told her frankly that I needed to talk to her husband about something he did to me when I was younger. And she took the phone into a closet or small room, even when I could hear he was in the background and she hid from him, to tell me that I mustnt bring my problems into their house and that I could get treatment like she did from a hypnotist. I told her to tell me what happened and she said that she was yelling at people at church and got some treatment from a hypnotist for it and started exercising more....
I look back on this now and think humnmmmph..... I mean she must be really fucked up and really not connected to herself to not know that she is protecting a potential abuser.
So this was as far as I got and I just didn't have the energy to go forward with it. I just feel like I have gotta have enough energy for day to day living and that having to confront him was gonna drain me because of his wife and what she was saying. She just kept on saying that she needed to protect her family from me. I mean all I was doing was just talking. And then she got all manipulative and said that I was upseting my grandmother with all this talk too. Thats a funny one for me, cause whenever someone wants someone to shut up in our family, they say that it upsetting for Mum/ Nanny/ I know her as nannny. Its the most indirect passive agressive manipulating bullshit that I have ever heard.

So I haven't really thought about the extent of the abuse that this man has done, I mean I just haven't processed my own abuse experience enough to want to confront and to think about other victims of his abuse. I mean I just dont feel strong enough to go there.

[kestrel]

sunshinegirl - confrontation is a long way down the road to recovery - or it was for me. First I had to sort out in my own head what had happened, then sort out ways to deal with it and finally came the confrontation. It is a long slow process and throughout one of the main things I have learnt is to look after myself first. That is another hard one!!!!

[sunshinegirl]

yeah and thanks kestrel. i was just thinking about the topic and unpicking my thoughts a bit. But I definitely haven't put myself first and am learning that one - too true it takes a practice! I am glad you said what you did I mean i was feeling a bit guilty about all the other abuse he might do... but I am just not at that point to be able to stop him.... Maybe nature is taking its course anyways cause he is very physically ill and is on his last legs. I wasn't like all yeahah my abuser is gonna die. I actually felt sad for him cause of the suffering he may go through with his slow agonising death.

[sunshinegirl]

Yeah I hate suffering and pain I believe no one has a right to experience that... and yet we all do in one way or anothers... anyways... I am thinking honestly about healing and I just want healing things in my life.. whatever healing is !!! lol.. I have been trying to understand what healing is.. But for me I believe that it is through food that I need to heal too and the physical body... I mean for so long I have stuffed food down my throat to numb and since I have been living in a environment where I didnt want to be.. I have been just eating and sitting on the computer... It has got to the point where I have lost my physical fitness and put on a great deal of weight.. so for me I think that is where the healing will begin by being kind to the physical body... over the past few days I have realised how unfit I am and I have been remembering how I have been thinking ohhh thats enough exercise and there have been days when I have not left the house.. Like 4 days.. I didnt leave the house.. I have been in denial and its done me no good...

[Raingirl]

Right...I know this may seem completely preposterous to some people here, but I have to share where I am in this whole healing process.

I've been desperately trying to find information regarding the whole reporting and convicting process......which is extremely disheartening. So far, I've read that I'm too old for a civil proceeding, so it's down to criminal court...and now I've just found articles about the dangers of speaking out about abuse (libel) and....well....it's just ridiculously upsetting. God knows how anyone actually goes through with it - it is sounding near impossible at the moment.

I'm prepared for struggles though, and realise how easy it is to get carried away and want everything fixed quickly...so I will continue to research and get advice on everything before acting on it. Just reminds me how many different mind-blowingly painful stages there are for us ASCAs!!!

I am beginning to realise how these things are cycles and it takes someone to stand up and make a choice to stop it, so that the next generation doesn't have to suffer in the same way. I've been reading about narcissism and co-dependence...and thinking and talking lots about the effects of abuse,bullying etc.

The way I see it....the more informed we are, the more transparent things are, and therefore the easier it should be to become aware of abuse when it starts, or even perhaps before it does....

Also, I believe in leading by example...so for example, I would have liked others to have shown me compassion and understanding when I was depressed...and realising that my abusers are obviously very ill....wouldn't it be great if I could show them some compassion too?! Be the bigger person in it all...

Now, bear with me here - I am not saying that abuse isn't a crime. It IS! Abusing children, abusing anyone is wrong, and although (reading through the survivor to thriver stuff) abuse is a scale like most things, so we can all be a little abusive at times...I do believe that my abusers need to take responsibility for their crimes - they damaged a young child and it has taken me my life so far to come to terms with it.....and stop the self-harming/hating....well, the self-abuse....and I had to wake up from the sheer brainwashing of it all!

I am just wondering....what if I tried to forge the way for others? What if I could make a stand, convict the criminals....but also get everyone who hears of it, to think about cause and effect and how these things can get passed on? What if I did it, not for payment for myself, but either for others (e.g. setting up an ASCA shelter) or simply to say to the world, perhaps there is still hope? Perhaps...with a lot of time and help...they could acknowledge their serious mistakes...?

I can't seem to explain myself properly tonight - probably because I'm nervous as to how people will react. I don't have all the answers but I am trying to think about things... I just get so sick of people getting angry at each other all the time, instead of looking at our common issues (we're all human after all) and.................I don't know...

I think I'll leave it there for now. I don't know enough about the law, procedures, or even what really happened a lot of the time in my life, due to the lies I've been told...so this isn't a decision to be made lightly. What I do know is that I am desperate to be able to talk about it frankly and openly, with anyone else who wants to know about it...and I want to be able to help non-abused people understand too. I feel that despite everything I'm lucky and didn't suffer as much as some people...but of course I only confronted my abusers less than 3 months ago, so I need to give myself a LOT more time to mull these things over and allow all my emotions to settle.

Thanks for listening - please be gentle, but I would love to hear people's opinions about this.....if you can. :)

[sunshinegirl]

I dont think what you are saying is preposterous. I myself went through a stage of thinking about helping abusers heal and understand and I think that I could also get through my own healing and maybe that would heal me by doing that. I felt quite magnificient that I could think of others even though I myself was in so much pain and scared and alone.

But the reality for me anyways - is that the healing process is just all about me and not about anyone else but me. There is an old saying that says save one person you save the world and when I heard that I thought - thats all I can do really. I have had to come to terms with myself and my reality and my perceived place in the world and how I respond and react to the world abd the fact that I am the only person that I can save.
And I have thought about confrontation again and again but I did that right at the begining when I learnt about the abuse and I was very unsatisfied with that process and I certainly didn't get what I wanted from any of my abusers when I confronted them. I wanted those damn abusers to be nice to me and I thought I could kill them with kindness and that that would somehow make things better.

I couldn't figure out about the hesistation that counsellors or therapists had when I talked about confrontation - I couldn't and still don't understand their concerns - but they would say things along the lines of :...think of the effect that it will have on you if this happens, or this could happen and how would that effect you.. It felt like stalling to me - but I get where they are coming from because its all about protecting yourself. But I didn't take there advice and just went and did what I felt was right for me. I mean I considered their advice but it just didn't feel right to imagine what could happen and the effects on me without doing anything about it... I am glad that I did do it - but it wasn't a picnic thats for sure and it wasn't what I expected either. But I had to do it to know what their response was going to be. I had to see that response and it was a brick wall in most cases i.e. denial, couldn't remember, some even blamed me for imagining something that happened... In the end I got fed up with trying to talk and not being heard. And that situation started another healing adventure for me.

I hope that was gentle enough for you and that its relevant?

take care

[Raingirl]

Thank you - yes that was gentle, I really appreciate it.

I know that this is just who I am and not just a stage I'm going through. I don't need to do anything regarding them to heal myself as such, although I feel that it would certainly be some sort of closure! Perhaps not the nicest and it may well lead to other consequences.

I have already confronted them, as I said. They have had plenty of opportunities to admit to what happened or to at least look into it when I brought up the word 'abuse' as I would do if someone used that word at me, rather than completely ignoring it.

Think of this more as a side note. I know that you can only ever truly help yourself...and I don't hold false hopes that it would be a magic cure for all involved...but surely awareness is the key to others understanding?!

[Emms]

It doesn't sound preposterous to me either. I know what you're saying.

I also agree that we can only really help heal ourselves, we can take advice and support from others and that can be a big help, but in the end only WE can do it. It sounds like the laws in the USA are similar to those in the UK, unless you can prove someone abused you, it's almost imposssible to get someone even into court due to the liebel and slander laws, esp if it ws a long time ago and mine was 40 years ago and 2 of my abusers are dead. I wasn't even allowed to get the book I wrote published as I couldn't prove what happened, not even with names, places and certain situations changed so no one could be recognised.

Going back to helping the abusers, we do have to remember what some abusers cannot be helped and do not want to change. Many have also convinced themselves they did not abuse anyone. Sometimes we are dealing with seriosuly disturbed ppl, not mentally ill but with serious and dangerous personality problems.

[Raingirl]

Thank you for your comments.

I would normally take the time to read, recall and comment on other people's issues as well, but I hope you can understand if I don't on this occasion. (Although Emms...I really feel for you, the libel thing, although there to protect everyone, just seems cruel when all you want to do is be open about it all. If you would wish to send any of your work to me, in order to share, I would be willing to read it. Well done to you for even having written it all - that must have been tough and I hope it helped you! xo)

I thought I would state my situation, as I think I probably have a very good case. Both my abusers are alive (one has had a stroke) and I have reams of pages of diaries (only from age 16/17/18) which though mainly focussed on my friends, note several physical incidents...(though briefly because I didn't want to be negative about everything!)

During GCSEs I mentioned to a friend about being hit and people in my school saw one bruise on my neck. I don't know whether any of these people could corroborate this yet though as I haven't asked.
My friend at 18, who I went to see after being hit, confirmed that she recalled me coming over in tears. It was also recorded in my diary.
As a young child on holiday my aunt and uncle witnessed another physical incident. I believe she may have reported to social services - I am currently seeking records of this.

There is more to it than that...but I think those are the main parts which may be seen as relevant in a court of law.

Does anyone know if the diaries are valid as they were around my late teens? Any more advice about any of this?

[Hummingbird]

Hi Welchmaria, I really like your ideas of helping others, like setting up the ASCA shelter or something like that. You have so many kind and insightful things to say that it sounds like you would be good for that line of "work" or volunteering, or whatever you want to call it! :) I know that someone like myself would like to have a resource like that available. Especially something affordable for victims, who most of the time don't have the finances to go to a major recovery center. I'm sure with the right connections, you could find volunteers or people who would be willing to work in a shelter or something like that. Just the sheer volume of victims out there speaks to me, saying that a great number of them would be willing to offer services or be part of them somehow. Good luck with your ideas, you'll have to continue to share them with us on here.

[Raingirl]

Thank you Hummingbird! ;_D

The nice thing about searching for the good in others is recognising that which each person DOES bring to your life. (You made me smile!)

The other day my boyfriend and I saw a robin flying like a hummingbird, and so after reading your comment, just out of childish interest, I looked up the hummingbird totem.

I like to think that your username was well chosen! ;D
hllp*://www.*.con/h/totem.htm

xo

[sunshinegirl]

WelchMaria - thank you for your comments. I am interested by this one the most
"....but surely awareness is the key to others understanding?!"

This is a thought provoking comment for me because it strikes a chord with my growing awareness and understanding of my abuse and the effects that it has had on me.
I am not sure that you mean it that way though - but hey thanks!