[itstimetoheal1357]

I am 56 years old and this sexual abuse started when I was 5 by my mothers boyfriend. We were taken away from her when I was about 8. Lots of blank spots. However, a brother that was born to my mother and this pedophile has recently been found by my other brothers wife after not seeing him for 45 years. I never held it against him about his father. Actually, I took care of him, because my mother was always gone. She was an alcoholic. My life has been a catastrophic nightmare. I don't know what peace and happiness is. I have merely existed in this world. No one ever acknowledged what happened to me and still to this day, no one will.
I feel like everything is out of control and I don't know what to do with it. I feel like that little scared girl again and I don't like it. Please help me, I don't know what I might do.

[Emms]

I think most of us still feel like that scared little child over again, I do and I was born a year before you. Your're right, no one can know how you feel, not even us. No one knows how bad it has been for you.
There is peace, but it has to be in your head. We're always here to listen, tell us whatever you like. We're here for you. Welcome here and good luck.

[DianaJoy]

Scary as it is, I think we each have to feel the scared child we used to be before we can get past it. Working the steps, posting about how I'm doing, and seeing a good therapist all help - but I've found it's important to feel those feelings, scary as they are.

I don't know if it's a comfort, but you did get through the worst already. The abuse is in the past, and just the big scary emotional outfall of it to sort through now. I frequently remind myself that the abuse is over, that in the here and now I'm safe.

If the abuse isn't over, of course, seek help! There are certainly aid organizations in your area.

[littleb]

You are not alone. (and I agree with what Emms and DianaJoy but will add my 2 cents anyways)

I can't know exactly what youve been through or how it made you feel any more than you can know what ive been through and understand how its made me feel. We can all have an idea tho, and my idea is it was as horrible and as isolating and traumatizing for you as i felt it was for me, and it caused you to do things later in life that you shouldn't have and now regret. I know thats still not fully knowing, and the only one that will ever really fully know is you, but i think everyone here can relate to that.

You didnt deserve it, none of us did, and you didn't deserve to have felt so bad for so long because of it, but we can be better, in time. We can't erase those memories, but we can begin to understand how its made us feel about ourselves and others and we can change that and live happier, fuller lives.

ITS NEVER TOO LATE EITHER, dont think cuz you haven't got it all worked out yet that you can't ever work it out, there's always time, there's always new things to learn and understand about yourself and others and life in general. Its never too late to become a better happier person, nothing is impossible.

Theres' a lot of great ppl here who know what its like to have parents that could give a rats ass about em, and alot of us have been sexually/physically/emotionally abused and its wounded us each in its own way. And I believe Emms shared this with me months ago, so I'm stealing her words of wisdom here but just like any wound, if you properly clean it, take care of it, it will heal, and the scars will fade...its just takes time and support. And there is definetly support here.

I hope that being here and talking to others helps you as much as its helped me, and I've got a LONG ways to go, I've just started dealing with my own abuse, and I also have a lot of blank spots and learning just to deal with that is hard, but we can do it. Have faith in yourself if nothing else, we were strong enough to survive the actual abuse, and we are DEFINETLY strong enough to deal with the aftermath. It sucks....its hard and unfair and it makes you feel like crap for a while, but we can heal, and life can get better.

Welcome to the forum itstimetoheal1357

[reddy2fly]

Thanks for sharing your stories. I now understand I'm not crazy and what I'm experiencing is normal considering what I've been through. Whatever you do itstimetoheal don't give up on your recovery you are heading in the right direction.

[BreezinDixie]

I can relate to what you have to say about the scared bit. I went through so much child abuse, rapes etc. I moved in with my boyfriend at 15 became pregrant at 17 so married. The marriage only lasted six months after the baby was born. Spent my life working and raising children as a single mom. Thought I was having fun and enjoying life drinking most the time. While working and taking care of the children, two I had later in life but never wanted to marry again. My biggest issues came when they started dui's. Was sent to prison two of my children were placed in foster care at the ages of 13 & 8. The oldest went to his father. And that has been a heavy burden on me.
Have been in and out of therapy and jails. And still at the age of 50 going through no licenses again. I have been able to go through periods of 8 years without drinking but somehow it always slips back into my life. I have accomplished a lot but fell a lot too. I get into spiritual studies and meditations but I even seem to slip from that. I guess the big thing of it all is I get back into it.
I recently wrote a book on the internet. And it has really helped me out a lot. It took years to do it and sometimes had to walk away from it for months. But finally got it done. It helped me to remember the loving times in my life, moments I had forgotton. It is really funny how we can seem to remember the horrible things in life so much easier than the loving and magical moments. And also to see my habits I didn't see before. And although I still have many issues to get through I do also know I've come a long way. Please feel free to read my book. And if there's ever anything you would like to talk about just let me know. I really think it does the soul good to talk about these things with someone. Keeping them bottled up is no good for anyone. And always keep the faith!
Life's A Voyage, Enjoy The Journey!
hllp*://lifesavoyageenjoythejourney.*.con

[Emms]

Thanks for that. I know how it can do you good to tell your story, esp if someone actually believes it. You'll always have your ups and downs, we all do, it's not an easy journey, but as long we we get there in the end, then we've survived.

[JaMac]

I just signed up here a couple days ago and I'm going to start my healing journey here. I'm 34 and thought I was doing fine with 'dealing' with my past. But, recently, I've started to drink to excess, black out, and fight with my husband (married for 2+ years) and he says I actually take swings at him and yell about what 'he' did to me and an 8 year old girl. (I know the 'he' is my stepdad and the 8 year old is me)

I've got a great husband and he knows most of what I've been through. We've had our problems (most of them are after a night of drinking which, as a bartender and singer in a band, I do a couple nights a week) but he's wonderful and he truly loves me. The drinking was never a problem for me really until the last few months.

I was sexually & physically abused by my stepdad and abused by my mom till I was 8 and went to court to go live with my dad. My mom was her own lawyer and had to question me on the stand. I remember how awful it felt to tell her AGAIN in front of the court what had happened and listen to her tell me it 'couldn't' have happened.

When I was 10 my stepmother had a nervous breakdown and for the next 2 years told me in everyway possible, including the exact words, "you are not my daughter, never were and never will be". At 12 my dad told me I had to go to a foster home because she no longer wanted me to live with her and she wouldn't allow my family to have me because she didn't want to 'run into' me anywhere in town.

My Aunt & Uncle adopted me across the country so her requirements were met. They were and are wonderful and they actually believed me, at least I think they do. That's still not something that I know. I don't know if anyone I've told ever really believed me because my mom still says it was 'put in my head by my father so he could get custody'.

I have a half brother and half sister that still have a relationship with my ex-stepdad. They have kids now. Maybe that is what's working this out in me so much. I'm really at a point that I need help dealing. I want to be a better wife and friend. I want to be happier and have better relationships with people.

So this is where I start I guess...

[Emms]

Welcome to the site, JaMac. If it helps, we believe you. I know what it feels like not to be believed, it's a terrible feeling. You've suffered a lot of rejection in your life, it gets so that you end up feeling you have to be rejected so that's when we push others away, like with your husband perhaps, who sounds like a really nice guy.

anyway, good luck and hope the site is of some help to you.

[JaMac]

Thank you Emms!

I think you are right about the pushing people away. I told him in the beginning that I have a real knack for self-sabatoge. He's assured me that he is not going anywhere and wants to help in my healing.

The thing is, I don't know where this going to take me/us. I keep feeling it's gonna get worse before it gets better; and it's been pretty bad recently.

One day at a time, right!?

Thanks again!

[UUER75]

[color=darkblue][/color][b] I am really happy you posted this. Not because I want anyone to have that feeling but because I'm glad I'm not insane! I am not a sex abuse survivor, mine is physical and verbal but there are times I feel very little, like a little kid and I'll even sound like a little kid when I talk! It's a very disconterting feeling. I want to color and hold my teddy bear and I start crying. Here I am this 35 year old woman, who has her own apartment, pays her bills, is WRITING A BOOK, and there are times I feel like a 4 year old.

But I find that when I listen to my little girl and really hear what she is saying I'm able to help her more and it helps with the healing process. I'm angry that healing is such hard work and so painful, and I'm angry I have to have abuse to heal from, but I'm grateful that I am where I am unlike a lot of unlucky abused people who are still out of control or gone.

Hang in there. . .. there is no healing without feeling even with the feeling is agonizing. [/b]

[Emms]

You're right, there's no healing without feeling and you're certainlly not insane.

Abuse takes many forms, sometimes it's sexual, sometimes physical or emotional but whatever, it is still abuse. It's all about control, bullying, being the one in charge and many of us victims have sufffered more than one kind of abuse. Sexual abuse is just one type, abuse takes so many different forms but the outcome for the victims is so similar.

[roxie60]

Anyone go through the 'manual, did it help or make it worse? My counselor thinks I need to take a break from life and get some intensive caring (some program). I am skeptical of all counseling programs but I am lost, nearly 51 and still unable to have normal relationships. I am ready to quit a job of nearly 18 years (4 years from retirement, more self destruction in my near future). I have endure abuse in the workplace, help probs and I am just worn out from it all. I am nearly at th I don't care anymore, I'm tired of trying point. I have tried to be successful but it doesn't seem to matter or just isnt good enouhg, guess I'm down again tonight. My life will mean nothing after all I have endured. I have been looking for my purpose, to make a difference but too messed up, don't trust self or others. I am weary.

itstime to heal - I can relate, my mother's boyfriend abused me and then she married him and had a child. I have also tried to not hold it against her but it is hard,

[Emms]

Roxie, if you can't stop yourself from holding your mother's actions against her, then don't try. There's nothing to say you have to forgive her, she brought this man into your home. It may not have been her fault but she has to take some responsibility. You don't have to hate her, but sometimes we need to hold things against someone and even try to make them accept some responsibility.

I know what you mean about feeling tired and wanting to give it all up. I've been there and still go there at times. You can feel so tired, so sick of fighting for normality, got the things others seem to take for granted. I know about self sabotage too.

The manual IS very good, just take your own time with it and work at your own pace. Counselling doesn't always work, I've had some that did and some that was crap, basically. Anyway, good luck and hang on in there, you deserve a good life and a peaceful retirement but it's terrible if you're taking abuse at work. Is there someone in your workplace you can talk to about this?

[DianaJoy]

I've found the manual amazingly helpful, myself. Good luck, with whatever program you choose!

Does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program? That might be a way to get some help with the workplace issues, although not every employer offers it.