[DianaJoy]

Requested topic :)

[kestrel]

How come no one outside the family sees what is going on? I met up with some old friends in Spain last night who have known me since I was 5!!!! They also knew that Dad died from Liver disease due to alcohol abuse. So how come there were telling me about this fantastic guy that was kind and thoughtful!!!! I couldn't believe that they were talking about the same person.
Then they asked me if I was upset when my parent split up (I was 17). Are they kidding? I couldn't wait for him to move out of the house and leave us alone.
Wow didn't we do a great job of presenting the perfect family to the world?!!!!!
What makes it worse (and I am trying to make sense of this now) is that I am not sure whether to enlighten them a little bit or continue the myth.

[Emms]

I know where you're coming from, Kestrel. It was the same with us. People outside your own home only know what you choose to tell them, or show them. Some of our old neighbors thought we had teh perfect homelife and that I had everything I always wanted. The kind of psychos who brought ppl like us up are very good at hiding things.

There are ppl today who knew my mother and a few have decided now she's dead that she was a bit strange. But many still think she was lovely, cos that's what she wanted them to think, that's the way she could come across and ppl also believe what they want to believe. These kind of ppl, like our parents, are a bit like the characters in a TV soap. They become what their creators want them to be and the viewers swallow it all. You're way from being the only one to feel like this. I've put a few bits and pieces right about my mother, but not all of it. Being sexually abused isn't something we can brag about is it? I have let some know my mother was a bitch though, but very few know what my grandfather and one of mother's men friends did to me. Only one of her neighbors knows that and I'm not sure she really believes it. I was the bad guy, always. She made ppl believe that and most of them still believe it so I've given up with them.

[kestrel]

thanks ems for the reply. I kept hearing last night how great my Dad had been, thoughtful, kind, considerate and I just kept thinking - are we talking about the same person? It is unbelivable how good we are were about keeping up this front. Obviously we did a really good job of keeping up a front. I have decided that I am not going to completely shatter the myth but I am also not going to cover for my parents any more so I won't lie as I have done in the past. In my new life it is my well being that matters and covering for my parent's past deeds is not good for my well being. I have to admit that even just typing this feels really enpowering.

[Emms]

And that's what we all need, some empowerment. I don't shatter the illusion completely but there are a few things that I speak about. I usually just say that as nice as she was to other ppl, my mother gave me hell when I was growing up. I don't talk about the sexual abuse to ppl I don't really know that well but there are other things I CAN talk about. The one thing I do tell ppl now, whether they believe me or not I don't know, is that she was sleeping with my boyfriend when I was 16. A few ppl have said they're not surprised cos they wondered why he moved in there to live when I moved out.

What they do know is that she spent every penny my dad left her, sold her house and that certain neighbors bled her dry then disappeared when the money ran out. She died owning thousands that no one knew about, yet she had a decent amounbt coming in each month and Dad left her thousands. They know that's true cos I had the proof and had the story in a magazine, she didn't get away with that one. There's proof where most of the money went and proof that I didn't get any.

[littleb]

Maaaaan i just wrote this big long post, and hit backspace while out of text box, and deleted the whooole thing. damn

Well am not re-writing it, too long, n too hard, but i def know what you mean. I only had 2 ppl that knew me back then that i talk to now. They both said they never suspected that i was being molested, they DID say they thot it was really weird that i was never allowed to have them over, that they always wondered why there was so many ppl at my house, and that they "didn't like the vibe" they got from my mom's boyfriend the one time they did see him (he came to one of my choir concerts once...wasn't that just a reaaal niiiice gesture? What a picture perfect family huh? Introduced himself as my step dad to my choir director and I about puked AND cried at the same time)

They said they suspected something wasn't right, but never thot i was being sexually abused. I broke that picture apart real quick, other than my man, and my brothers, those two girls are the only ones ive really talked to about this. Still not REAL in depth with anyone, but they know. they were actually the first ppl i told n it does feel empowering to have someone else know...its not what it seemed

[Emms]

I only know one person really who knew my family, and she knew us when I was grown up. Some of our oher neighbors have said they thought my mom was strange, but nice, most seemed to like her but she didn't mix much and we moved to that area when I was 14. I don't know anyone who knew us when the abuse was going on but if I did meet anyone now from way back then, I'm sure they'd know something was strange about the family. Thing is, I remember the adults in our area when I was small thinking how lucky and spoilt I was. It was a poor area and I was an only child with a father whose job paid fairly well for unskilled work. Ppl thought I had everything I always wanted, they knew I had an isolated childhood but they thought I wasn't allowed to play out and take other kids home cos my adoptive parents were scared of something happening to me, that they were overprotective. They didn't have a clue. They hda no idea that my mother was hiding the sexual abuse and was often beating me for trying to tell her about it, that she was lying and setting me up, stealing from my dad and blaming me for it and also that she would humiliate me and belittle me constantly. When I was really small there were times when, for some reason she wanted me to be ill so she would make me drink salt water to make me vommit so I didn't have to go to school and she could tell ppl I was a sickly child. The only thing I think my later neighbors, the ones where we moved to when I was 14 know is that she had a drink problem and that she slept with my old boyfriend. And that's only cos I told them about it. Whether they believe it or not is up to them.

[kestrel]

I suppose that some people outside the family just don't want to see what is going on. However, I am no longer willing to lie about what went on during my childhood!!!!

[Emms]

Me neither. I don't generally tell ppl about the sexual abuse but I do say that my mother and other members of that family gave me hell while I was growning up and later too. I don't play the happy families game anymore.

[joangel]

The same thing happened to me! everyone who knew me back then thinks we had a great family, what a big fat lie.
we were just really good at hiding the aftermath, both physical and emotional. Everyone thought my dad was great, but he was a terror and I am thankful everyday that he is dead.
I am just now learning not to continue the lie, but it is so hard. I still feel responsible for keeping the truth quiet and letting them believe what they want.
It isn't fair that we have been the victims and now we have to coconspire to keep it quiet. I want to scream it from the rooftops, I SURVIVED!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT"
I need to stop caring about the feelings of those who denied it and the feelings of those who didn't see it at the time. No one cared about our feelings when we were walking through hell. It is time to find my voice.

[Emms]

Joangel, I still struggle with that one. There was a time when I wanted to shout it all out from the rooftops. Trouble is, the news that you had an abusive family doesn't always get a positive response from others. For some reason, outsiders would rather someone around them who had a lovely happy family than someone who had an abusive one and they still sometimes choose to blame and disbelieve the victim instead of the abuser. But if it comes up and Im asked about the past, I might not tell everything straight away but I don't lie about it now. I tell ppl that I had a rotten time.

[kestrel]

I agree ems. I don't lie but I don't always say the truth but sometimes I do keep quiet. Everyone remembers Dad as this generous man and he could be but they didn't see the temper and the alcohol abuse. I was talking to Spanish friends that bought a TV when they were on holiday in the UK over 20 years ago. We then brought it down in the summer. However we got stopped at customs and had to pay duty. The friends remember that and they paid the fine. The bit they don't know and I did not tell them was that Dad waas furious as it delayed us over an hour and he was in a foul mood all day. I remember hiding in the back of the car hardly daring to breathe just in case I made him even madder.

[Emms]

Ppl look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about some of the things my mother did. They even laugh sometimes and I suppose sometimes it does sound funny and they just don't realize how scary it can be for a child to see her parents behaving in certain ways.
I remember once, when I was a teenager, I went shopping with my mom and dad and my boyfriend at the time who my mother was sleeping with, but I hadn't found that out yet. We were in this shop and my mother picked up a dress and draped it over her arm while she was looking at some different ones. It was quite a classy shop and in those days (this was the 60s) the shop assistants used to come over to you and ask you if you wanted any help, they tend to let you get on with it now. Anyway, this really nice lady assistant came up to my mom, who had been walking around for a while with this dress, and asked her if she wanted to try it on. I had a feeling my mom would get mad about that and act all offended, and I was right, she made a huge scene. She stamped her foot like a child, cried out 'NO' and threw the dress at the woman and made out to my dad and my boyfriend that the assistant had accused her of trying to steal the dress. She walked out of the shop in tears and dad had to comfort her and do everything to keep her happy for the rest of the day, I knew she'd say the woman didn't trust her and thought she was going to steal that dress. I cringed, I knew what she would do as soon as that assistant spoke to her and she was only trying to help. I also kept out of her way for a while so that I didn't make her worse and it amazes me when I look back how we all pandered to her every whish and whim just to keep the peace.
I told someone who knew my mother that story and she thought it was funny. I don't usually tell ppl about the sexual molesting from my granddad though, that's only for a very privillaged few to know. As for the man who raped me when I was 13, I think even fewer know about that and one who I told asked me if I was willing. Apparently, if I had been it would have made it ok for a man in his late 20s to have sex with a 13 year old. Well, I wasn't but I gave up fighting in the end cos he seemed to get off on that and it was actually making him enjoy it more. Later I learned that it's not unusual for rapists to get off on the 'fight' for it. That wasn't why I gave up then though, I just knew I couldn't fight him off in the end.

[truth]

Wow, I didn't realize there were so many "perfect" families out there. I honestly thought it was just mine that was "perfect". My sister and I talk about it sometimes, about how sometimes we don't feel right about coming off as so perfect. It's a freaking charade. Everyone in my church community thinks that my siblings and I are such good kids because we're all modest and polite and nice. whatever. my uncle molested me, my mom cheated on my dad and used me to do it, and she lied to us multiple times. oh yeah, we're still all together, but we're anywhere but perfect. sometimes i don't know if i really love my mom because of how she's treated me. anyway. I can go into detail but i really just wanted to vent about it.

[Emms]

You vent all you like, truth. Welcome to the site. I read your story about your childhood abuse and yes, there are a lot of us out there who feel the same way and who also appeared to many to be the 'perfect' family.