[Shorty]

Hello all,

I just registered here and I tried to start a new topic to introduce myself and my story but it was kinda confusing so here goes.

I'm Shorty, I'll be 21 years old in may. and I am a young adult survivor of psychological abuse.

I wanted to get onto a forum because it's become increasingly harder for me to relate to other people in my life.

No matter how much I talk to my friends I don't feel like they can understand.

The intricacies of the abuse I experienced as a child is hard for me to describe.

I'm pretty sure it's safe to say at this point that my mother is and was mentally ill.

She started yelling at me and my two sisters when I was five. that's not to say anything was peaceful before that. I just don't remember much about growing up.

Something would upset her and she would start yelling and she wouldn't stop for several hours. sometimes all night. she would hit pots and pans on the walls and stairs and say "You want to go to sleep you little b@#$hes?"

Soon I started to think the yelling was a direct result of my actions. I was six. spill my milk at dinner. she would yell. ask when dad was coming home. she would yell at me.

so I was quiet. I didn't ask for things. If I broke something I would hide.

but it kept getting worse. My father was a long haul trucker and would hide from her at work. he never came home. only once every two months or so. so we were there with her all the time.

Sometimes she wouldn't let us eat. she said we were "fasting". she would neglect me. once she got mad at my sister and started yelling. she left me in a cold bathtub for 4 hours. I didn't get out on my own because I was afraid.

When she would yell she would say really really sick stuff. Like that we loved our dad more than her and we all "sucked his @#$% because we were little sl@ts"

My father was never sexually abusive to me. She just said that.

It made me afraid though.

I lived for so long being afraid of setting her off that I actually started to think it was my fault. that I was somehow responsible. I never went to high school because she didn't want me to. I was afraid that she would hate me if I did.

When I was 8 we moved to a suburb. my father was spending more time at home. My parents would go through periods of "Dating". they usually didn't talk except to fight but sometimes they would go out and get drunk and have really loud sex. I slept in the bedroom next to theirs.

But sometimes they would come home and have sex. they would show up at 4 am (they just left us there by ourselves all night) and get into fights. I would wake up to them screaming and eachother. my mom calling my dad a rapist. then he would hit her. she would try to stab herself or something. and then call the cops. they would come and take a report. and then just leave. just leave 3 children in that house with two obviously abusive parents. the police came to that residence over 70 times in one year. they never called CPS. they never did anything.

that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the stuff that happened to me. it gets worse. but I didn't want to chew anyone's ears off ranting.

I have been trying to move forward in my life. I've been in a loving relationship with my partner for 4 years now. the first step for me was acknowledging that I was even abused.

thank you all for reading and listening. I just need some support from people who can maybe relate. sometimes I am scared because I don't feel anyything for anyone around me. no love. no hate. just nothing. I think this is a result of having to shut my emotions off to survive as a child.

thanks.

[DianaJoy]

Welcome to the forum!

Feel free to post whatever you'd like - that's part of what the forum is for. Feel free to read and respond to the other thread here, too.

You may find some good help in the Survivor to Thriver manual: hllp*://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php You can read it online, download it, or order a paper copy. I've made very good progress myself following the steps.

What you've described certainly was abuse. It's not fair that you have to spend time and energy on recovering from your parents' mistakes, but you're clearly making progress. It takes strength to share your story, even in part. Good for you for moving that much closer to healthy!

[Hummingbird]

Hi Shorty, welcome to the forum. I'm so sad that your parents neglected you so much and that to top it off, the authorities didn't do anything. This system is broken and doesn't do a whole lot to help kids. I hope that you find some comfort here that you deserve. It sounds like you had a rough childhood with no one there to hear you and understand you.

[jktrav]

Hi Shorty,
I am not an abuse survivor but I am married to one; his story is fairly similar to what you have shared of yours and it really touched me.

I hope that you are able to keep posting and sharing more of your story because it really helps those of us who love you guys to understand some of what you've been through.

I'm glad to see that you have an S.O. and I hope that he/she is able to be patient and supportive, because I have found that is a good starting point. I wish you nothing but the best and always remember that you are worthy of being loved. Good luck to you.

[TJ]

I think we had similar mothers. The story you tell is frighteningly similar to how it was for me. I however also experienced sexual abuse from someone outside my home.

When I break a glass or drop something, I feel awful inside and I get a momentary feeling of panic even now. I am 46 and I don't thing that sort of thing will ever be totally gone.

I think we are permanently changed by our upbringing and for me it is nice to be able to relate to people who have been there.

The shame and the loneliness and despair is lifted a little when I realize that I am not the only one and reminds me that somehow I came through those years.

When I was your age I was in complete denial about it. I refused to think about it and convinced myself that it was not so bad and that I came through unaffected.

I'm glad you are getting an earlier start on figuring it all out.