Starting New Relationships

Raingirl · Joined: 24 Dec 2009 Posts: 65

Hi,

I'm looking for any posts/forums (or perhaps a new thread should be started) to do with issues when forming new relationships. I have had several wonderful partners but whether they have suffered from depression or not, they have found it increasingly hard to cope with mine, and they have all had close relationships with their parents. Yet again, I pushed my amazing boyfriend away recently and am finding it incredibly hard, being christmas and I have had to spend it with my parents (my abusers) instead of him!

Anyone have any advice on this matter?

Emms · Joined: 14 Apr 2009 Posts: 1556 Location: West Midlands UK

Sorry to hear you've had a hard time with relationships. Don't know about advice but I always think there are worse things than being alone, spending time with your abusers can be one of them, that's how I always felt anyway.

GoldenLife2010 · Joined: 23 Nov 2010 Posts: 14

I have never been a relationship. I'm a 39 year old woman never been in love. Don't have any children. I'm so afraid of trusting someone.

DianaJoy · Site Admin Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 479

Trust is so hard to learn as an adult.

It seems like us Adult Survivors are prone to either getting into relationships too easily (my particular pattern), or avoiding them entirely. GoldenLife2010, my sister is about your age, and has never been in a romantic relationship, either.

GoldenLife2010 · Joined: 23 Nov 2010 Posts: 14

It's strange DianaJoy and sure your sister can tell you being our age and not knowing how to love.

toolate · Joined: 06 Feb 2011 Posts: 6

Hi,
I feel like I have been through the steps, and with the help of a therapist, mostly figured out issues. Of course, not completely healed yet from the childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse.
I am in my late 40's and trying online dating after getting divorced a few years ago. I made the choice of not having children, which I later learned in therapy, was because I was terrified of them going through what I went through, and not being able to protect them.
My problem is that many men my age have children, and they are quick to judge me as a selfish person because I don't have kids. This upsets me quite a bit because I view my choice as a conscious and compassionate one.
How do I deal with this issue? I cannot really lay it all on the line in the first email contact I have with these guys, but they don't even bother to get to know me first before judging me as selfish based on this one fact.
I am really starting to feel depressed and lonely again, like nobody understands me or even makes an effort to understand me.

DianaJoy · Site Admin Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 479

Someone's reaction to you online is almost always more about them than about you. They can't know anything about you based on that initial contact.

I wonder if these men are nervous about meeting someone new when they have children, and that fear leads them to lash out - they're cutting you off, before you have a chance to hurt them.

Raingirl · Joined: 24 Dec 2009 Posts: 65

I know this may sound trivial, but I've just been blasted by another person for having spent the last 5 months not working, but taking time for myself and my friends.

I am now signed on, actively looking for work. Before that I had been in a very stressful situation with work with no support for my injuries which at times made it near impossible to walk. I didn't want to have another break down and was trying to decide what to do with my life. I read through hundreds of pages of diaries to consolidate my beliefs and memories, investigated and did more training in Reiki and Massage, caught up with old friends and have got involved in some unpaid projects. I have no mortgage or dependants and owe no money other than old student fees.
Oh and of course in January I finally confronted my family about their abuse. Ya know.....no biggie! :s

My question is...has anyone else ever taken any time out to deal with a lifetime of abuse, or am I being completely selfish having done this?! If there was an ASCA shelter I would be happy to live there rather than seeming to upset/hurt/anger people with no intention of ever doing this. Just seems that there's just no place in society for children stuck in adults bodies desperately trying to grow up!?! Or is there....?!

denmark · Joined: 28 Jan 2011 Posts: 50

Rain, i can relate to what you were saying about wanting to take time off for yourself.
i decided to do that several years ago. life was becoming to hard to keep up with, trying to hold a job that paid well enough to support myself while i was suffering internally. i chose to not go back to work, after leaving my job, and apply for disability. and i got it on the first try. i always said they must have been able to see how badly i'm screwed up because i got it on the first try. most people have to appeal a denial from what i've heard.
so i tried to dive into treatment for my depression and ptsd. but i couldn't seem to stabilize my living situation and my relationships, or myself i guess, so i had a very hard time making progress in therapy. my time off has taken a lot longer than i imagined.
i've had a very hard time with explaining this to anyone. people can be so judgmental. people have said "well you look fine, why can't you work?" or "gee, i wish i could just get paid for being crazy i've got problems too ya know". or any number of comments that made me feel like i had to explain myself even more. if i were missing limbs or something then i'm sure everyone would have been more understanding.
well anyway, i lost my disability and health insurance when i remarried 2 years ago.
but i'm still not working. i'm a full time mom now.

i think i got lost on those thoughts...
anyway, i don't think you are being selfish at all. i think it's a tough decision to make, to take time to take care of yourself and try to heal. you recognized you had a need and you're acting on it. thats a good thing! and a big step, in my opinion.
oh, and if one of those ASCA shelters existed, i would have definitely gone there too.
what you said about there being no place for children being stuck in adults bodies trying to grow up, that really hit me for some reason. it's like you spoke something that's been in my head for a long time but i never found the right words to let it out.

Raingirl · Joined: 24 Dec 2009 Posts: 65

God I wish people like you were at the end of the phone! Can't even get through to VictimSupport, and they haven't responded to any of my messages.

Right just booked the doctors - going to go tell them how it's been recently and suggest PTSD cos they've never seemed to know what's going on with me. I always have to research and tell them!

Maybe I should start some sort of ASCA shelter/drop in centre then. Why not? Seems we've been treated like crap our whole lives, grown up incomplete and twisted and as much as we ask for help.....who really listens? I don't want to stay jobless or alone....I just want somewhere to call my home for a little bit. Somewhere where I can be really happy and overly cheerful one moment and break down and cry the next....without people telling me I'm selfish.

I guess they used to put people like us in mental institutions...that's not what I'm talking about though!!!

kestrel · Joined: 17 Apr 2009 Posts: 124

I took time out to deal with abuse and also to decide what I wanted out of my life. It has been hard but I now feel like I am coming out of the end of a very long tunnel. I did work on my anger management, which has impressed my husband greatly and on my self confidence and self esteem. There are times when it is hard going but I have to say it is worth it. I am now looking at helping other people like us and starting up a group here where I live on the south coast of Spain. This is my 2 - 3 year plan. I have also gone back to college to re-train and so far in this year's course I doing really well. I still have anger issues. I still have self esteem issues but much better than 3 years ago when I started on this journey. It is now time to pass on what I have learnt to others - I hope.

Raingirl · Joined: 24 Dec 2009 Posts: 65

Kestrel, good for you and I hope that you are able to help lots and lots of people in your life! And you know what....I'm sure you will!
Denmark...I don't know where you are/who you are etc...but I think you're fantastic. (Maybe cos you tell me nice stuff too and appreciate my poetry! LOL!) You say you're a mom. Well...I take my hat off to you and go down on my knees. BRAVO! Nuff said! ;D

Every time I post here I come back later and it's almost like, what was I worrying about!? But it means so much being able to just write what I'm feeling in the moment without preparing myself for criticism. I LOVE THIS SITE SO MUCH!!! You're both right....I think we absolutely need space sometimes, so I am trying to take that for myself (and my now grinning inner child!!!) and I will try my best to explain it to those I love and care about....but anyone who tries to stop/judge me......well, they just can't anymore. I've realised some things about myself...I know a while ago, if I had read what I'm about to write, I probably would have written myself off as crazy, but...I am the person I am now despite AND because of of the abuse.

I can do things that 'normal' people can't!
Maybe YOU can too......?!

- I am realising how used to being on my own I am...and that me and my little inner girl are just rock solid when we hit rock bottom. She had soooo much faith that there was a better life to live...that now I know she was right. She was right over 25 years ago....so I think it's about time I trusted my instincts!

- I don't really cry when relationships break up now. I realise now, that if they are meant to be, the person will eventually understand or try their best to. I know that there's no point worrying because I always have ME. As long as I'm true to myself, the right people will stick around.

- I can deal with physical pain like no other. Years ago I used to have trouble walking at all and suffered continuous and constant back pain...which anyone who's had it will know it affects your entire body when your support is gone (ie. problems with the spine!) The hospital took a scan, so we know it's real. So why am I walking and jumping now? I guess it's a relationship we all have. We know Pain very well indeed. The pain is there to let us know when something's not quite right. It reminds me of how blessed I am to still be alive. And the more I appreciate how healthy my body IS, the more I forget to hurt!!!

- Because in essence I am still a little girl...but who was made far too 'wise' far too early (that's not quite the word I'm after, but I think you know what I mean)...I'm in a unique position! People always talk about the innocence of childhood and how they wished they were young again. Well...I am! I will look for the beautiful little things/moments and laugh out loud because I find life funny and strange. I will definitely forget at times and maybe get a bit grumpy, but ultimately, I will always go back to love and laughter. And the thing is, I CAN do that, because the wise and withered old person in me (my sage?)....knows that life is just TOO short. Sometimes my sage AND my child want to cry out to the whole world...STOP FIGHTING AND WORRYING! Be happy and make the most of what you DO have and love! Sometimes I forget this too...

- I'm good at giving advice. Like really spot on almost psychic/intuitive sometimes. Ok, so most of the time I don't quite appreciate what I'm telling someone else and follow it myself, but I make mistakes and I can't learn everything at once! I can give a child's perspective, an adult's perspective, an abuser's perspective (to an extent) and an outsider's perspective. Also, when you start to focus on what is really important...like LOVE....it's so much easier to prioritise everything!

There are so many more things to write....since I've admitted to myself that I was abused, everything is just rushing into place. I feel like I learn a lesson every 5 minutes at the moment. I'm signed on and haven't been 'working' for a very long time....but I know you'll believe me when I say I feel EXHAUSTED - I've done nothing BUT work, since I was a little girl!

I cried recently.
Not for myself, but because I realised that there are others like me, who have nothing but love in their hearts...
Yet we have been/are underestimated, under-appreciated and abused.
And I continued crying when I realised HOW AMAZING WE ALL ARE!
If you're feeling like you need a confidence boost, look at how much everyone cares on this site. Look at the words we use to try to share and help each other. It is soooooo heartwarming!
Look at how much we love and strive and try to do our best....even though NOBODY may have shown us how to do that.

I applaud and love you all!
M xo
(P.S. Yes, I talk lots. LOTS! Sorry for hogging forum space...but that's just ME!)

denmark · Joined: 28 Jan 2011 Posts: 50

welchmaria, thank you. It's been a rough day and it was nice to hear someone say something positive about me :)

Raingirl · Joined: 24 Dec 2009 Posts: 65

Any time Denmark...and that goes for anybody else here.
That's why I love this forum. We all care and just want all the crap to go away. And I think we all need more of a boost than some others. And we're not so used to recognising and reminding ourselves why we ARE so awesome really!

I'll have some days when I ask you guys for help/support...but I'm really good at seeing the beauty of others, so just for now...

Let me be your sunshine! :D

Hopefully in the future, I'll be able to do more.
Love and laughter, M xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

kestrel · Joined: 17 Apr 2009 Posts: 124

Wow, welchmaria - that was a really positive post. For me you can hog the forum space as much as you want especially as you are sounding so upbeat and happy. I reckon that everyone needs time to themselves to reflect. At the end of the day we only have one life (although that is probably a debate for another forum).