[adeline_anne]

Hello any help or insight is appreciated here.

My boyfriend was physically abused as a child. I don't know much else because in the very few times that I've approached the issue, he has shut down. On our very first date, however, when I asked about his parents (who are divorced) he mentioned that his mother had been abused. The conversation did not go any further than that, as I was shocked and somewhat embarrassed that he'd say that on the first date. Looking back... I think it was a nervous reaction to a question about his father.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. I truly am in love with him and believe that he also loves me. In the first few months of dating he mentioned negative thoughts about marriage. It began to weigh on me and brought it to his attention that I intend to be married someday. His all-around views on relationships and marriage have been negative. Only knowing the info about the abuse on this mother, I began to wonder. He never speaks about his father and over time has told me that he hasn't spoke to or seen his father since he was a child.

Each time I ask a question though about his father he avoids and changes the subject. Only recently did he breakdown a bit over the phone to me that he would like to open up to me more, but does not know how. This was after a long, drawn out emotional conversation that stemmed from my frusteration of not feeling close to him. He's gone as far as to tell me that there are parts of his life that I do not need to know about and that I just need to accept it. I've pushed him too far at times and he's become defensive, and that only results in argument.

He once admitted that he was abused but did not want to discuss it further. I'm left to try to puzzle together his life in an effort to just get to know him. I see him get physically upset and I know this is a burden on him. I see the affects that it has on our relationship. We are 28 and I am at a point in my life where I am ready to settle down. He is having a hard time committing time to our relationship and pushes back when he feels like he's being crowded. We usually only spend 2-3 days a week together because of it.

I love him, but I don't know how to get him to open up to me. I have asked him if he thought it would be a good idea to see a therapist and he said he's rather just talk to me. But we can never seem to get to that honest point in a conversation where he feels comfortable to draw upon those memories.

The longer we don't talk about it... the closer I feel like I cannot invest my energy into a relationship that may not go anywhere because of this issue. I don't want to lose him.. but I'm not sure what to do next.

[sunshinegirl]

Hello,

I was reading this bit " breakdown a bit over the phone to me that he would like to open up to me more, but does not know how" and I thought thats a job for a therapist. I mean I wouldn't go there if I were you - thats just my opinion. I mean childhood abuse trauma is a speacialised area of pratise and its hard for a survivor to have to deal with trauma.

Getting to grips with abuse for the survivor is also something that they do at their own pace and its really important that they are not pushed into something that they do not feel they are ready for. I only know this because when I knew that I was abused I really wanted to get the healing work over with so I could get on with my life. But that approach did not help me getting close to healing at all! It just frustrated and dispointed me and made me feel absolutely fking useless in myself - blah!!.

Also I want to comment on this bit " it would be a good idea to see a therapist and he said he's rather just talk to me" I also think that its a good idea for him to see a therapist and not rely on you to be his handy little psychological helper - I mean - thats a couns./therapy relationship not an intimate relationship that you desire with this man.
Sure you want to support him - but I wouldn't take on the ample responsiblity of being an abuse survivors therapist. That involves speacialist knowledge.

good luck I hope you find clarity.

[adeline_anne]

hi sunshinegirl,
Thank you for your candid response. You are right about not wanting to be his therapist. I don't want that for our relationship either. I feel very distant from him, in that he is not able to share memories or things about his past that I easily can do. That distance is not alone in the actual words/memories he shares but also his actions and his role in our relationship. I often feel him push back in the relationship. I think more or less I'm afraid he hasn't recognized the affects that his past may have on our relationship. Of course I don't know what he's thinking about.. and not telling me. Many times he tells me to just give him some more time.. when it comes to things moving forward in our relationship. I easily get frusterated because what's difficult for him to do, is easy (or natural) for me. I think I've been looking at this from the wrong perspective (maybe selfishly) because I thought if he wanted enough to be with me and have a future with me that he would recognize the stress on our relationship and find it's source and come to terms with dealing with the abuse. I think now, I may be a vehicle in his life to come closer to recognizing the affects his childhood have on his adult life, but I will not be the reason for him to address it. He's going to have to do that for himself alone.

Thanks for sharing your opinion and it's eye opening to hear from a survivor because it's hard for me to identify. These forums are a great tool for survivors to share their stories and impact others lives. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[sunshinegirl]

What happened. Have you found a way through A - Anne?

[adeline_anne]

No, I guess I haven't found a way through. We have talked about some things that have been on my mind for months. Things that I've been bottling up since I haven't felt comfortable talking to him... or hearing his response. One thing that I have not mentioned is our distinct difference in religious beliefs-- his being next to none and mine being very deeply rooted and close to my heart. Regardless of the religion, denomination, book, practise.. whatever, it doesn't really matter. I've been struggling to figure out how to move on with him without being able to share with him what is so close to my heart without feeling like he will deflate my happiness or positiveness by countering my beliefs. He's a good guy and has encouraged me to do what makes me happy and supports me, but at the same time, I have a really hard time seperating my feelings when I hear him speak negatively. It's a constant reminder that we are worlds apart-- because the basis of my faith truely s hapes many decisions and actions in my life. This passed weekend I saw why we are worlds apart though. He showed me something that he had promised he would share about 4 months ago that he said would help me understand why he "lost his faith" (his words.. not mine). It was a tally of all of the times he prayed (for help, comfort..) and never felt it was recieved. He pulled a little sheet of paper from an old "junk" drawer and said there were many of these. It broke my heart to not only see and think about this... think about him as a kid or even a teen praying prayers left unanswered and then keeping these stored away. So... I can see why he could believe what he believes. It's hard for me to deal with. We talked about just ending our relationship... and being faced with it.. talking about it mutually, without arguing, fighting about something, somehow makes it worse.
I told him again that I thought it would be worth it someday to talk to someone (counselor) about what's driving us apart (separate from the religion stuff). I also told him that he'll have to go through this again with another woman, another girlfriend, a wife, another woman who wants to be close to him. The next girlfriend is not going to settle for a man who is only semi-available to them emotionally etc. He actually asked "so you think I should just get it over with?" I wanted to scream out "YES!" But I told him that he'll need to do it when he's ready and when he's ready to revisit that time in his life, those memories. We ended the conversations there. Too emotionally exhausted.. I wasn't ready at that point to just walk away--- I'm still not sure.
AA

[sunshinegirl]

OMG. I think you are amazing. That story about the unanswered prayers on a piece of paper is such a precious story. Its like his lost hope, but also his endurance to continue in the face of loosing his faith. Its almost like a testament to his faith as well as against it. I just can imagine all the effort that he put into it in order to go on and continue to keep praying in the hope it would help. I can see all these drawers of papers. Such a beautiful visual metaphor.

I know what you mean about talking about it calmly makes it worse-I have done that with my partner too. I don't know what it is but to me it has a lost feeling to it something quiet and already gone. Its like the emotion of the loss is right there for the grabbing, and the quietness acknowledges it. Its almost reverential space. Its just over there, the grieving and loss, we should go quiet so we don't wake it up.... tip toe....thats how I feel about those moments. Its like standing on the edge of a cliff, should I jump?

[adeline_anne]

thank you..

It was so upsetting to me months ago when I had asked him why he said he didn't believe in anything-- and he told me that there was something he could show me, but just wasn't ready to show me. Naturally, my mind is jumping to conclusions.. what the heck could it be??? I thought for sure it had to be a document, a letter. I had no idea that's what he could have kept all these years.. you know? I think about... what could have been going through his mind to make a little tally mark on a piece of paper each time he said a prayer.. why was he keeping track? how long did he do it? how old was he? I asked a few follow up questions when he showed it to me, but he didn't directly answer. I did ask what he was praying for... but he gave an indirect answer "everything"... I really broke down into tears looking at this little piece of paper. I didn't see where he grabbed it from, or how many others there are but he said there were tons. It was just heart-breaking. Yes, I can imagine drawers filled too.

He keeps a lot of things... almost a pack-rat, so I wonder if he's kept these "prayers" as a reminder or whether he's kept them because he keeps everything. But if he knew where to find them and he knew even that he still had them, I'm pretty sure there's a reason for it.

It is so tough talking to eachother like you said... quietly without all that anger, confusion, and resentment, just being honest. We were adults, or the kind of adults who talk to each other with maturity. I've thought all these things in my mind.. I've even said them outloud as I'm driving to work, just to hear what it would sound like if I ever got the confidence to say them to him. I finally told him that I know what I want, which is him, but I don't know if that's what is best for me. Yes, I'm definitely feeling at the cliff (metaphorically).

[sunshinegirl]

I am here Listening.

[kestrel]

adeline_anne - Child abuse has very long lasting scars (that never completely heal - in my opinion). I really think that you boyfriend is going to need therapy if he is going to deal with his abuse. I certainly could not have done it on my own without the help of a counsellor and the people on this site. I admit that like you boyfriend I have no religious beliefs. But my husband is quite religious. I do not think that this itself is a problem but I do feel that you fiance will have to face up to what happened and talk through it at some stage. Most abused children grow with a steam of anger bubbling underneath. It varies greatly as to how this comes out - headaches, stress, bad temper etc. In my opinion thing like these issues are going to need dealing with as at some point they tend to come to a head. I agree with Sunshine girl that you should be his fiancee not his therapist but maybe he could go to a therapist or other self help group to start dealing with what happened to him.

[adeline_anne]

kestrel,
I think he needs to seek therapy as well. The hardest part right now is suggesting it to him because he's not ready to accept that it's needed-- and so I can't do it for him or get him to that point where it comes to a head. So, I'm not.

[kestrel]

This is always a problem. You are correct that until he has to make the decison to go into therapy and until he makes that decision then it is harder for you. You can support him and help him but at the end of the day it is his decision.

[adeline_anne]

So what do you do then? What do you do when he's not ready to address it? Not like I'm expecting an answer here. But I think about the many posts I read on this site alone and the people who have experienced such trauma that come to terms with it much later in life after years pass by, marriages fail, addictions, children are born, relationships are ruined, life becomes out of control and people finally hit a wall it seems. So I want to be with a man who I know will eventually hit a wall. How do I prepare myself for that? How do I walk eyes wide open into something knowing that I could very well be sabatoging my own happiness because of someone else's problems. The fact of the matter is, your partners problems become your own. When he hurts, I feel it too, in my own way. When I see his defenses go up to avoid feeling that hurt, I'm reminded each time that there's something there that he doesn't want to [i]feel[/i].
This may come off as harsh to a survivor.. but I think about how much I deserve to be my happiest-self, my best-self. I think about how I deserve a man who can give me everything that I can give in return. And I get angry thinking about how I've prepared my self, done things in the order in which I thought was the best for myself, taken steps to be independant and happy on my own, so that when the right person came along I'd be able to be an equal partner, not just financially, but mentally and emotionally. I get angry because I think.. 'i did my part', I'm ready to gueninely share my life with someone else and I want to. I think of my bf and say, he's a great person, who loves me, who wants to make me the happiest he can, and yet, it's not enough. It's hard to explain because I often feel like I only get a part of him.. if I had to put a percentage on it-- 75%. And while that seems like a pretty high percentage, I feel like I deserve the other 25%. I don't really know who I'm angry at. Sometimes I find myself getting angry at his mother because I want someone to blame. Mostly I get angry that someone let him grow up and didn't take care of him. Someone let him say 'i'm fine' and let him bury away emotions. I'm not even angry at his abuser. To be quite honest, I'm angry that his mother didn't put her own problems aside and do what was best for her child. I'm angry that she let him take care of her instead. I was reading another post -- sunshinegirl-- where you metioned something about family sort of sweeping things under the rug or not owning up or admitting to the abuse. I feel like my bfs family has done this too... maybe not in the way you had mentioned, but avoidance is definitely how they've delt with it through the years. I know I'm sounding really judgemental and harsh... but this is how I feel about it right now. I don't know all the details. I don't know what happened, but in the present, I see him parenting his mother and I think that has been going on for a long time.
Setting blame aside... and as I'm writing I start to humble myself remembering how he didn't deserve the life he had and that's not what he expected for himself either-- but he had to move forward. So while I think about myself and I am asking "why?"

I wonder if now is the time for him to receive what he deserved then, thru me and later when the time is right and when he is able to devote the other 25, I'll receive it too.

[adeline_anne]

One other thing I've been thinking about.... said bf... he always reminds me (in the midst of an argument) that he's taken a lot of courses in psychology in college and that he knows more than me. That's always his response when he feels I've tried to analyze him in some way. I'm not purposely trying to psycho-analyze or whatever, but I do point out that I didn't like his behavior, if I feel like it's inappropriate.
To put into perspective, his mother has been dating a man for 6 years now (referring to him as MB (Mother's Bf). My bf in the beginning of our relationship said that he does not like MB, but did not give reasons why. At first, I wanted to know why because I also thought that I should trust his judgements. I'd never blatently disrespect MB but I'd be careful. After a few very awkward dinners with his mom and MB, I did not come to the same conclusion as my bf. MB seemed like a guenuwine man. My bf would be so disrespectful to MB, not looking him in the eye, ignoring him, and not even shaking his hand to greet him. When MB would speak to my bf, my bf would look away or give a one word answer. I was embarrassed by his behavior. I also thought it was extremely disrespectful to his mother. This was early in our relationship and I would tell my bf how disrespectful he was to his mother and MB and that I wasn't going to go somewhere with him if he would continue to behave that way unless he explained why he disliked this man so much. My bf never gave a good reason as to why and more than anything said that it was none of my business and if he says he doesn't like someone, I shuold just accept it. I know I can't judge his perceptions of MB and can't tell him whether his reasons are good enough or not but the few reasons that he did give, in my opinion, in no way warrant disrespecting this guy in this manner. Not even close. I've also heard from my bf's sister who almost tried to convince me that her MB was a good guy and that she really likes him. I think she wanted me to pass the message to her brother. I have made my own opinion of MB and treat him with respect, have made an effort to talk to him and get to know him when I am around the family. During the times when bf would be disrespectful and I would see him anxious about being around MB, I would tell my bf that hating someone for some very juvenile type reasons wasn't enough and certainly wasn't enough to show that kind of disrespect to his mother. I'd tell him that if he has his own reasons for why he doesn't like MB, that he needs to think about those, but in the mean time, he can't be so rude acting like a 7 yr old boy who doens't want to see his mother with another man. At that point my bf would tell me not to analyze him and yada yada yada. I was initially afraid that this man was abusing bf's mom too. But my bf never said that was the reason and I truely do not believe that could be it anymore. I think this has only to do with my bf's own insecurities and fears about his mother with another man--- and a lot to do with him being very protective of her. Now a year later, as we have spent more time with MB and the family as a whole, my bf has done a 180 in comparison to the first time we all sat down together. He shakes MB's hand when he sees him, he engages in (some) conversation with MB, and what I've noticed most is that when we are on our way to see his mom and MB, my bf no longer seems to have the anxiety that he did a year ago. Upon meeting his mother,sister and MB, my bf would be visibly nervous, breathing deeply and all around anxious -- yet all the while still denying to me that anything is wrong. I'm proud of him that he's made the efforts to change his behavior towards MB. What doesn't occur to me in these moments though is that-- this behavior may be something he never learned growing up. I get angry with him because I think--- how could you act like such a child? But.. in some ways, he is still practising the same behaviors as a child would. When it bothers me most is when I see him not look my dad in the eye or show interest and have that kind of comraderie with my dad. I've been told before by my brother that he thought my bf was socially awkward. And.. I can't really argue against that. He's not awkward with me but he is not comfortable in many social situations. Lately I have been getting frusterated by this because when someone does address him and ask a question he sort of looks to me to fill the awkward pauses or to speak for him at times. I do it because I don't want anyone else to feel weird, but more and more I just want to let him answer, let him explain things and not be his security blanket. Afterall I want to be his girlfriend, I don't want to be his mother, and sometimes I want to feel taken care of too.