[Hope]

I am posting in hopes to gain some feedback/ insight from other survivors on how they told about abuse to family and friends.
My husband recently told me about abuse that happened to him over 20 years ago. He acknowledges that he wants to get treatment so that he can begin healing however we also have a very immediate problem. His abuser is a close friend of the family who is still very present in the family. We see this person frequently though the year and he is present at all major family events as well as weekends away at the summer home. We have 2 young children of our own and my husbands siblings also have young children. I am very afraid that if this is not shared with his family that our children will be at risk. I very much want to respect the time frame he needs for coping and healing and don't feel that it is right to pressure him to disclose his abuse to others but I also need to protect our own children as well as my nieces and nephews from the pain and suffering that my husband has endured.
If anyone has had a similar situation and would be willing to share how they handled it and how it played out, or any advice/ feedback, it would be greatly appreciated.

[Emms]

This is a very difficult one. There's always the chance that your husband's family won't believe him if he says anything, or if you do, that's because they won't want to believe it. I had no contact with my family for a long time and have never kept in contact with one of my abusers who was also a friend, though I believe he did stay friends with my family. It's harder if the family is close and this person attends family functions, but I think it is important that he is not left alone with your children or any others. I guess you and your husband need to talk a lot about this and he probably needs counselling. I don't know how the law stands in the US cos I live in England but here, if your hubby wanted he could still have this man charged, but that's long shot and few ppl take it up as it's so hard to prove after all this time. Sorry I can't be of more help.

[bluegreenmae]

Hope, I'm seeing your message now though it looks like it was posted a year ago, so I don't know if you'll see the reply. I hope so.

You are right that your children and other children are at risk from this perpetrator- most adult abusers abuse more than one child. Perhaps if the abuser was a fairly young child themselves when it happened, then they will not have repeated into adulthood. Otherwise, it would be a good idea to report the person to child services (I am in the UK, as I understand it there will then be an assessment of risk of some sort) and to inform your husbands siblings, perhaps even anonymously with a letter if your husband can't face having to share his own experience.

This must be very hard for him. I truly admire your concern for him and for the children that you know. It's great to see and just right.

I would also say from learning and experience, that your husband may find it extremely hard to do any healing from his abuse when the abuser remains present in his life. Suppressing the reality of what has happened is forced on us in childhood: we need to be free from those suppressing forces in adulthood. I would go as far as to say that contact with this person is not safe for your husband.
An example: If a child has been hit with a broom, and then they grow up to know that no-one can hit them with a broom any more, they might still feel afraid when they see a broom. How can they master this fear? If they want to they can pick up the broom, they can burn the broom, they can shout at the broom, they can hold the broom and sob, they can throw it.... amongst other things they can do around how a broom is not harmful in itself.
Then they encounter the person who hit them with a broom. What can they do to be okay? How can they be sure they are safe?What about the child part of them?
Just some thoughts on it anyway.

I hope you have great courage in your journey, you seem full of care.Very good luck with your future, and strength to your husband.