[sunshinegirl]

Hi I just have separated from my mother made a conscious decision a while back and have been having strong horrible memories about mymother and really need to vent about them. Can I have a thread to do that.

thank you

[sunshinegirl]

ah ha! thanks for a thread for me. It has been a while since I have been on here and I know that but I didn't realise it has been months like 4 or 5 months. Help!

I have been busy exiting an extremely unhealthy relationship. I left maybe a month ago. Strange how I keep on being drawn back in too... I have a conversation with him and I think how nice he is... its like a switch goes off that remembers all the crap stuff, how poor he treated me etc. I am realising that I have to abandon all contact. Can we stay friends? Apparently not! Its like I am being suckered back into the relationship when I talk to him. It slips under the radar when I am with him. When I am away from him I feel so stressed about him and then when I am with him it goes all away. I can't fathom the spell that I am under. But it does not seem like love or mutual acceptance to me. More like a parade of bullshit. But it does the trick I purchase it hook line and sinker. How to ignore the hook, I think to myself, How do I ignore the hook? I cant' even recognise what is happening to me. Just have to completely ignore.

I guess that fact that I am so needy for any kind of love even bad love is a big draw card, my need for acceptance is so strong it will over ride any kind of logic.

I wanted to vent about my mother, and I am sure I will in time, but for now I just to vent about the weirdness that I find myself in with this relationship.

Righto and thanks I am gonna hit the other threads and see what is happening.

[sunshinegirl]

ah ha! thanks for a thread for me. It has been a while since I have been on here and I know that but I didn't realise it has been months like 4 or 5 months. Help!

I have been busy exiting an extremely unhealthy relationship. I left maybe a month ago. Strange how I keep on being drawn back in too... I have a conversation with him and I think how nice he is... its like a switch goes off that remembers all the crap stuff, how poor he treated me etc. I am realising that I have to abandon all contact. Can we stay friends? Apparently not! Its like I am being suckered back into the relationship when I talk to him. It slips under the radar when I am with him. When I am away from him I feel so stressed about him and then when I am with him it goes all away. I can't fathom the spell that I am under. But it does not seem like love or mutual acceptance to me. More like a parade of bullshit. But it does the trick I purchase it hook line and sinker. How to ignore the hook, I think to myself, How do I ignore the hook? I cant' even recognise what is happening to me. Just have to completely ignore.

I guess that fact that I am so needy for any kind of love even bad love is a big draw card, my need for acceptance is so strong it will over ride any kind of logic.

I wanted to vent about my mother, and I am sure I will in time, but for now I just to vent about the weirdness that I find myself in with this relationship.

Righto and thanks I am gonna hit the other threads and see what is happening.

[Emms]

It's amazing how easily we can be drawn back into a relationship that isn't good for us. I think this can apply to anyone, survivor or not, but especially for survivors cos we've learned to need someone, to want to be loved and also to behave in a way that makes abusive ppl drawn to us too.

Well done for getting out of a relationship that wasn't making you happy, one that you knew wasn't healthy. But I once had a relationship with a man who wasn't good for me at all, he caused me a lot of trouble and turned out to be a right bastard, if you'll excuse the word. Yet still when we talked and tried to be 'friends', I was drawn to him, wanted to find the old happiness we once had but knew we never could have it again. In the end I had to cut him out of my life altogether too but it was easier for me at the time cos I had someone else in my life, the man I married. My ex tried to spit up my marriage, he told lies and tried to get me into terrible trouble and it took me a long time to kind of get over him and get him our of my life. I don't know why to this day why I kept being drawn back to him, possibly becasue he was such a good charmer and manipulator. But now he's long gone and I'm glad, good riddance to him.

[sunshinegirl]

Far out. I too am having the similar experience with this man. The thing is is that I think he's ok and even nice sometimes as a person. But I don't like how things are not addressed and I end up always feeling uncomfortable with how we relate to each other. I can't even explain it. I am sure he manipulates and charms but now I am not sure that even he knows that he does it. He just does it to get what he needs. I don't think I can confront him about it as he does not appear to have any choice ( that he can understand) in the way he behaves. He has no insight into how he operates. I have found it hard that I keep being drawn in, but my response is often the same after I realise what has happen... things are all peaches and roses but the rot seems to come to the surface for me and I get angry at the turn of events. I don't think talking to him will work anymore. I just have to have a clean break. Its a hard lesson for me as I get sick of it going on and on and on. I get frustrated. Its the feeling of limbo and unsettling feelings I get when hes not around... its awful. Its hard to reconcile with his sweetness and thoughtfulness. I mean when he realised our relationship was on the cards he began to apologise the first time in our relationship that he has done that !!!! and it was almost too late mate... you missed that boat.... but then he started to charm me and that combined with the doubt meaness warmed me over to him again. .... F**k its so annoying. I don't hate him for it either... Its just an awful situation for me to be in with this person who can't take NO for an answer and is always trying to get the upper hand for himself even at my expense... jesus.. I feel I like I have betrayed myself when he gets his way.. he does it so subtly too. ARGGGHHH I will soldier on.

[Emms]

I do understand your situation, sunshinegirl, really I do. I've been that way with a couple of ppl, I think it was cos I needed them though rather than actually loved them. Sounds like your ex can be nice when he wants and likes to have his own way, that's ok as long as it's not at your expense, if you're happy for him to have his way, fair enough, but if not, if having what he wants upsets you too much and he won't give in, then I think you're right, it's too late, mate. He's missed the boat!
Good luck with what ever you choose to do, and no one will ever judge you on here, no matter what you choose to do. Just make sure you take care of yourself.

[sunshinegirl]

thanks for your kind comments EMMs

i have just realised how my abusive difficult upbringing has effected my ability to choose employment that remakes the alienation, confusion, chaos and feelings of out and of control and helplessness that i used to experience as a kid.

I have realised too, that I don't want to continue in the line of work that I am in. Bit of a bummer as I am broke at the moment and need to stay in work to put bread on the table - but thats ok till I find something better. Which is the goal.

Also I have choosen to become a professional carer a nurse and I am begining the training and have had five years of work as a caregiver and am realising that nurses work too hard and get paid too little. I am not sure that its right for me now. I am thinking that walking round in circles cleaning up after peoples bodily fluids and being exposed to ill people who are seriously ill and well as a carer I seemed to see everyone at there worse....worse moods, and there is never enough time to properly listen to people spread too thin and worked too hard as a carer I can't imagine being a nurse is any easier....except more responsiblity and working like a dog is something that I don't want to do. I have been exploring being a radiographer - a person who sits at a complicated machine and takes xrays and fancy techno photos of peoples insides and I think that sounds like me. Nothing too emotionally involved, nothing too physically demanding,a bit of one on one, yep I like one on one ( i thought of a counsellor too - but its all a bit emotionally heavy going). Yep I think that may be it... a world wide shortage of radiographers and ... so I get to choose my jobs ....working on this one... one thing that makes me say NO you can't do this is: ..... I would have to move cities, Its much more expensive than nursing, the placements mean that I get moved from city to city and I would have to find my own place to stay accom, food etc....the books are really expensive , the medical tests would be pricey too,, I am gonna have to get some big revenue going....

[G-Iced]

@ sunshinegirl -

I just wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing and to let you know that I appreciate your posts.

Before I found this forum I felt SO different from everybody I know. I was feeling very alone one evening and I did a google search for survivors of child abuse and I found this forum. I think that it's amazing to see how we are all so much alike and we all have so many of the same experiences... it's sad that we all struggle because of somebody elses actions but it's so nice to know that at least we don't have to struggle in silence and alone!

My last relationship was not a healthy one... at one point I thought that I would rather have him stay and cheat rather than him leave me. He took advantage of me in every way that he could but I have since accepted my share of the responsibility because he couldn't have taken advantage if I wouldn't have offered and allowed it to continue. That being said - I don't EVER want to go thru that again! And with that being said, I have NO idea how to make sure that it never happens again. See the catch22? It's not that I want to be alone but I find it to be a lot easier.

I have made myself a promise that I will learn how to be happy by myself before I start dating again. I want to learn how to not be so needy and so sensitive. I could be a real catch because I have some great qualities but at this point I would feel sorry for any man that was interested in me b/c emotionally I am a wreck.

Anyway, Ms. Sunshinegirl, I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and that you are not alone! I'm rooting for you!

[sunshinegirl]

thanks thats nice that you took the time to write that. Thank you.

I am of the same conclusion that being alone is easier. For me its less stressful and I can put my energies elsewhere, rather than investing in poor returns - to put a economic edge to it.lol

I've been a bit inactive on this thread for a while its cos I am busy with my study and paid work and sore back. also I spend alot of down time watching movies at the moment and that takes me away from the internet. I dont' have access to the internet at home either so have to access this thread in public areas - not ideal to let it all hang out so to speak. of late I have been having a real sh*t storm concerning an psychological assessment done on me and most of the information was incorrect. I have been dealing with this and its not that pretty and exhausts me. I also have been having second thoughts about the purpose and usefulness of counselling. I am feeling that I may have done my dash with it. I just don't see what benefits I am getting out of it anymore.
So Im not on this thread much cause I am too busy with real life - not because I am wallowing in my own loathing - not that I haven't done this before.. because I have and still do sometimes... but ugh.. anyways... I forgot my train of thought.. its good to know that this thread is there for me to pour my heart out into... thanks

[sunshinegirl]

so angry today its like been building up for a while i think not being too experienced with anger knowing it but not knowing it as the case is with me..knosing of emotions but not knowing what they are actually like

angry at my mother. I am not very good at being angry at her.. I never was allowed to be angry at her like all of her actions had to be accepted thats always the worse when I have to just accept that thsi was the way it was and is going to be its like so wrong.. I hate that we have to accept what is the worse without knowing what is better. I hate that so much. I got angry and proabably got anger overflowing from long ago that gets dipped into when I get angry from current events.. I was reading something about Alan Turing - hes a famous mathematician, anyways, in the 50s UK he was jailed for practicising homosexuality - which was illegal and a prisionable offence at the time - and to avoid imprisionment he decided to take part in a treatment program to cure his homosexuality which involved taking esotrogen he committed suicide from depression a side effect of the estrogen - anyways - I read this and I thought ARGHHHHHH! that is so wrong in so many ways: but the thing that I think is most insidious is that, given all his intellect, he still wasn't able to stand against the tide of popular thought and go NO I am who I am and that is ok, so imprision me for it - fak yous! The power we give away our personal power to be ourselves is so easily taken away when we fear. I dont know but this story upsets me so much. I hate that he had to be ashamed of himself and what about all the other things he could have discovered if he had lived - he gave us the faking language to develop the computer! He was awarded with ending the WW2 with his machines that decrpyted messages from the enemies. he was only 40 or so when he died! I just feel very annoyed about this. What thanks did he get for all the things he achieved in his life - FAR FAKING OUT!

sorry bout the swearing I am trying to tone it down but I just feel the need to use it a the moment!

[Emms]

Sunshinegirl, if you want to swear then swear, you won't offend me. I get angry with my mother so often and she's dead now, how crazy is that? We all get angry and it's actually healthy sometimes cos it's a normal emotion, we just have to watch how we react to the anger, that's all. Like I said before, I let it out when I'm alone usually. Like you, I was never allowed to show it as a child at home but I went opposite when I got older, I over reacted to everything, still do inside, just got good at hiding it lol.

Whevever you want to vent, come and vent here, we might not be able to help you much but at least you know someone is reading it, feeling it and understanding it. I really can let out my anger, perhaps that's a blessing but at least you're getting able to be angry with your mother and beginnning to know what your emotions are. I think one of my biggest problems is frustration ratehr than anger, it makes you feel similar but it's actually a different emotion and quite hard todeal with. It can turn to anger easily too. Perhaps that's what you're feeling too, frustration. I know you feel let down by life and that life has given a lot of ppl nothing but crap to deal with, I feel that way often too so remember we're all here for you and we can all empathize with you in some way.

[sunshinegirl]

thanks for that emm. I was just reflecting on what happened over the weekend and think that the words were empty but the emotion was real. Its the emotion that I cant express properly thats the problem its not the people or the situation. I think that I have come to this conclusion on this forum before -somewhere...

[sunshinegirl]

when i was at my last workshop I remembered my mother leaving me alone with no food and I remember feeling distressed that she was not there AND hungry. It has lead me to all sorts of anxiety around food. I have not had much money and then I got stressed about not having enough food and it was crazy stress. When I get food and I am hungry before eating I am stressed and fearful too... anyway this memory came back to me about not having enough food and the stress of not being able to eat when I was a child and was hungry. I told teh group about my memeory but I didn't feel angry about it I just felt afraid. others in the group were opened mouthed and gasped.. the facilitator said she felt angry about what had happened to me. I realised thats why I buy so much food when I go to social gatherings.. because it is my belief that we should never be without food -its a wonderful thing... But nlow with this new knowledge i think that I will be able to survive on purchasing less food. I feel pleased about this breakthrough.

[sunshinegirl]

at the same workshop I had another memory... it was after the workshop and it happened on a bus and I had a strong memory about my mother trying to kill me... i was left with a feeling of horror and my mouth agape and tears falling down my face as I sat on the bus heading to my home. It was very odd. I was horrified at the feeling of my mother trying to kill me. I don't remember any specific event it was like a feeling I swallowed that now was coming back up to greet me. I feel priveledged in a way that my vunerable self is trusting me enough to release these memories.

[Emms]

Well done SG, you're mind must know you're ready to deal with these memories or it would dissociate from them. That's why we shut then out, they won't come back til our mind is ready, that means you're getting stronger and trusting youself. You're on the way home. You've had a terrible time by the sound of it and I understand that thing with food. I was overfed as a child, made to eat and to get fat, rewarded with food too and I also found it the only pleasure I had when I was a child so I grew up with an over eating disorder and it took me years to stop that. I became VERY obese and even now I want to eat when I'm upset, but I don't, I find other things to do if I can. I was also forced to drink salt water by 'that woman' when I was a child. She also over fed me laxatives. This was to make me vomit so she could say I was ill. She would also come to my bed when I was dropping off to sleep and slap me hard across the face. I'd scream and start to cry (I was about 5 years old when I first remember her doing it and she did it for a few years). Then she would hug me and coo over me as any loving mother would, whispering gently that I must have had a bad dream and she would make it better. She always kind of smothered my face, hid it by wrapping her arms so tightly round me and holding me toher body so when my dad came in the room, which was what she wanted, of course, he didn't see the red marks on my face. She often did this when she was using me to get her own way. Dad wanted us to go on holiday one time and leave her parents behind cos my grandma would never travel, but my mother didn't want to leave her. That night, after witnessing them talking about it, my mother did that slapping thing to me and told my dad (which was a complete lie) that I was terrified of leaving my grandparents and going on holiday and had been having a night mare about it. So we didn't have any holidays. She used that tactic quite a lot and liked to make me ill and vomit, she could play the martyr then and tell my dad how hard it was to look after her 'sick' child.

What I have learned though is that she did resent me and was jealous of me. She didn't adopt me cos she wanted a child, she abopted me for HER parents, who we lived with. I was a little toy for them, a sex toy for my granddad and a little doll for grandma to play with, curl and comb my hair, dress me up and make me perform silly games and lttle dances for her, then she wanted to put me away in a draw. I was adopted to take the place of my grandparents little doll cos my mother (their little toy) was now married even though she refused to leave thema and dad had to move in with them too. So for those reasons, I hate my mother, always will and can NEVER forgive either her or the old Welfare, now called Social Services, for allowing those crazy ppl to actually adopt a child. It wouldn't be allowed to happen now.