[sunshinegirl]

1)sure there are other things that I feel from time to time. Just at the time that I wrote the above I was feeling dead inside and lonely and despair, abandonment and hopelessness.

2) Luckily the relationship wasnt my only connection with love and caring in fact I wasn't getting what I wanted from that relationship except frustration, confusion, perpetual desperation, some hugs and companionship that i enjoyed, in fact i wasn't getting anything on my own terms from that relationship. I was shitting on myself by getting involved with him i just didn't know it at the time until about this time last year and thats when the wheel started turning.

3) i am not so sure that sharing my inside stuff here benefits me actually. i am still thinking about that... I mean I do it automatically and I do it for myself not for others. Everything I do on this site is for me not for anyone else. That is part of my healing - getting in touch with the me thats real and inside and if I feel like piece of self loathing shit and wanna kill myself I am writing that because thats what I feel like and need to see it in black and white for myself to reinforce what I am feeling. So I know its real and that I am real and that I am experiencing it. So you can feel sorry all you like but don't feel sorry for me - I am not a victim. I just feel like shit sometimes and i wanna feel that feeling even though I don't like feeling it cause it feels like shit. Accepting it helps me let it go. When i stop feeling by overeating, supressing it by whatever way i can thats when I stop going inside to the me to my pain.

.. I feel like I have lost contact with the me inside and trawling through all the surface shit is what I do here....its all about me. its all for me.

coming and putting my shit in here is part of my healing process... its complemented by other stuff... I don't come here to feed my ego and I come here to what fuck I don't know... I think I am thinking too much about it..

I am glad that you replied it gave me an opportunity to express myself and explore my ideas more.

its amazing when you say about cutting a piece of yourself off by breaking up the relationship because I feel like I have cut away a piece of shit that was blocking up my lens of me. It was like the relationship was a piece of shit cord around my neck stopping me from doing anything I wanted. Controlling me at every twist and turn. I had no ability to make my own decisions for my own self and to take my own personal power and be powerful for myself the more I stayed in that relationship. i know this is connected to my sense of abandonment that I feel from my mater. FUCKING BITCH is what I want to say to her but I am just hurt that she didn't want me when I was born and before I was born my life was threatened you know and this hurts. I can see it so clearly now. I choose a shit partner and I had a shit mother. I get hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt by my mother and feel no control over it: to get her to love me, cause I need that love real bad! thats what I try to get from this clearly (to me now) most unsuitable partner and its like I am riding the carnival ride again... try try trying to get the love no no nothing is there for me. Its like I am stuck in there trying trying trying my hardest and getting nowhere with the relationship. Fuck its heartbreaking for me cause I can't get the love I need. I cant ever get it from anyone though thats the paradox... i can only give it to myself this is key! my abuse is fucking unfair, it sucks, its pain I never would want anyone to go through but only i can give it to myself. its all about me, all about me.. its weird that the more I love myself the better I feel other shit hasn't worked for me but this does.

[sunshinegirl]

I love myself heaps. I think that I am amazing, powerful and clever, energetic and inspirational. I like that I feel so good about myself. I can be alone and entertain myself for hours with myself - I find it amazing and I find myself amazing and the world that I live in too. I also feel like a piece of sticky dirty shit that I can't wipe off my shoe sometimes too.

[sunshinegirl]

I am begining to get strong anxiety feelings. Over the past few weeks I have been getting them. I have been feeling them in my legs a kinda tingle and light leggedness then I have been getting realy light headed and feeling like I might fly away. God I wish I could fly away actually. Its like going up and down a roller coaster ride. I feel nausea every now and then. I am not liking it. I did a workshop on the weekend and I think that left me a bit raw - not being used to being nurtured I am begining to have to put it into practice because sometimes I feel terrified. I have been remembering things about what my mother did to me - things that I felt at the time. Like I was wondering and horrified at why she wanted to kill me. I keep on having feelings of someone wanting to kill me. I have never associated it with her before so this is new. Crap time to get these pseudo-flashback things a few weeks out from exams but it kinda makes sense with the added stress. But this shit has been happening for a few weeks. I just want to run for the covers and to someone who will mother me. But there is no one. I feel like a lost ghost its an awful feeling. The more I seek relief from others the less it helps. I feel really desperate. Trapped and alone. Things I am trying to do are to soothe myself with kind thoughts, but I just wanna hide in my bed which is one the few things that seems to really work. Breathing to an extent works but its very strong anxiety and breathing seems such a little comfort in the face of a big fear. Its all I seem to have but it seems very inadequate.

If I am around people talking that is good too but it just comes back when I am alone again. Its like I am getting trapped by a rising emotional cartharsis.

[sunshinegirl]

I need to work on that whole 'loving myself' thing again, not always good at it, I think abuse really damages people's self-esteem. How did you start feeling that way, or have you always loved yourself?

I didn't see your post wsb I was too busy exploring my pain.... my pain in the arse more like it!
In repsonse to your query:

I have recently seen myself in a different light and then that was when I started to see these really amazing qualities in myself and they kinda snowballed from there. I still feel shit about myself too but the more I accept the shit and hold and nurture myself when I feel like shit the more it seems to leave me and the more I seem to love myself whether I feel like shit or whether I feel great about myself. When I hurt I just curl into the foetal position and put pillows around me and warm soft things and blankets and it feels "right" and the pain comes and I comfort myself and then the pain goes. I try to use soothing talk to myself too and if I can't go to bed then I make a picture of it in my head or talk softly and kind to myself in my head.

The pain is related to the abuse mostly. The pain is the letting go of the shit and nurturing myself through the pain. We all have been wounded as children, everyone, and we all can heal ourselves too.

In the power of healing myself - I have found that I am an amazing person incomparable to anyone. I believe it too. When I find people that say that I am amazing or this or that usuallly a personal quality of mine and a personal ideal quality of mine that I like to model (and it feels real when they do - you know the truth when you hear it if you listen to your body) then I spend more time with these people because i feel comfortable and they like me for who I am. And I like me for who I am too. Because I work hard, am kind, always strive to do the right thing, like to keep people safe, like to help people, like to laugh, like to be cheeky, like to talk to people, like to comfort people, like being in nature - I like myself because I like my values and I like that I am interested in people and pretty things and art.

The things that I am striving to like about myself but find hard - is that I am emotional (my mothers shit not mine), I am weak ( my mothers shit not mine), actually I like the fact that I am emotional and I am really not weak. I am quite strong to have survived the most horrific abuse that I have survived so screw those last two. I don't like the weakness that I have been feeling lately that has made me feeling like fainting its so severe. I think its vunerability but I am still coming to terms with it...I have been feeling very very small and terrified its awful. But I get my blankets and stuff of comforts and keep comforting and comforting and comforting. Well I try the best that I can. I forget sometimes cause I am new to this comfort giving - as I reckon most abused ones are. But we abused ones are very clever, clever, clever ones. We have the skills to survive so we definitely have the skills to heal.

I go to group meetings - not asca - but womens groups and we sit around and talk, cry and laugh, and speak our truth to each other and listen and its really powerful. I think this is where I have regained a trust of others. When I trust others, I trust what they say and then I have been believing myself and trusting myself and what I see and hear when I say I like. And when I have these people that trust me say what I hear and feel its like a synchronicity of truth and I feel that it is real because it coincides with what I feel inside and what I say on the outside and what others say about me to me. Does that make sense?

Anyways... I say to my counsellor that I go to these groups and its a social healing. She said that makes sense because my abuse was a socially sanctioned act.

This weekend I went to one and now I'm all a bit raw and stressed out by small stuff - but onwards and upwards.... always lots of work to do when your been abused!

I have always loathed myself until only very recently - weeks. So this is a big turn around for sure! Something clicked inside me and I was kinder to myself and saw and heard how much pain I was in.... I realised how strong I was. I found my anger and have been directing that away from me too - thats quite important I have just recently realised. Its the pain that I feel that I would get angry at others for it too and myself - but its not them its my pain inside that I hate when I feel abandoned. Yeah thats vunerability all right that feeling of weakness and littleness thats the child for sure!! HURRAH I found her. This is a celebration absolutely! Now I can care for her like those fuckwits that raised her didn't. It can be a bit weird but early days we will get there together.
I am pleased with myself to work this stuff out - thanks for that thread wsb it was the catalyst to know I have found the child. Yay. Go me. I am cool. Hee hee hee.

[Emms]

It takes a long time to learn to love yourself when you've been through what we have. But it can be done.

I don't know if I'd say I 'love' myself, but I do respect myself at times. I know there are things I have atcheived, I lost a lot of weight a few years ago by dieting and kept it off (around 120 pounds) and also stopped smoking over 4 years ago now. I'm also the one who has to sort things out with finances and anything kind of official at home. My husband is good and a hard worker but hates filling in forms, talking to ppl at banks or talking on the phone to anyone official, so I'm the secretary. I also keep our home reasonably clean, look after our garden, walk the dog (most of the time) and do a voluntary work. I don't have a job cos of my disabilities, epilepsy, osteoarthritis, osteoperosis and a blood clotting disorder but I would work if someone would employ me and I have worked. I can make ppl laugh too, so I'm not so bad, just that due to low self esteem, I just wish others realized how hard it's been for me to atcheive just these few things. I'm always looking for approval and never can get much, but that's life I guess.

So, although I have my problems and weaknesses, we all do, I have my strengths as well. I married 37 years ago and he's still with me and although I know I wasn't a great mom cos I was going through a lot while bringing up my kids, I managed to bring up 2 reasonably 'normal' offfspring who are now reasonable adults. Although my son has his troubles and we don't see much of him, he loves us deep down and he works and looks after himself ok so we can't have been that bad as parents. My daugher is getting closer to me now though she'll never totally understand and she isn't very tolerant, she's ok and had her own house, a partner and a good job so we weren't such bad parents. There was only me and my hubby, we had no help cos my psycho family wouldn't help and his family lived too far away. So, although there are things I still don't like about myself, we all have faults. I have a temper, a low frustration threshold, I know that. Sometimes I don;t cope too well with stressful situations others find easy but I can hide that and I seem to manage ok sorting things out without losing it now. I still get angry with myself and blame myself for things sometimes, but I think most ppl do. I'm also emotional, but can hide that most of the time too. I know I have a few issues, but like you said, sunshinegirl, after what we've been through we MUST be tough and strong. We have survived so much. Same goes for you, wsb, you've got strengths and wealneses just as we all have and there will be things about you that are lovable, you must learn that. Try thinking about your atcheivements, there will be some, just getting to where you are now after all the shit you've been through is an atcheivement in it's self. I am on a local committee for survivors of sexual abuse and also help run a self help group for ppl who have or still do self harm cos I used to do that too. Sometimes we cry, sometiems we laugh and there's been a lot of laughter at these meetings as well as serious stuff cos never lose your sense of humour, that's one thing I'm proud I still have.

[sunshinegirl]

I believe that too emms that to have come through the other side of our terrifying experiences we are strong - we are incredibly powerful.

I think I am going to go to a al-anon group. I did a co-dependency group this weekend gone and it was really amazing I feel like I am getting in touch with myself more and more lately.

I have started to do exercises in this finding your inner child workbook - I think that its amazing... I find myself talking to my child inside my head when I come to something that I don't feel is right or sometimes when I feel an overarching joy I know the inner child is with me. It is and was and is healing. I am listening to her too and its helping my back pains... I went to bed this afternoon for a lie down cause she wanted to lie in bed and be still and just listen and be covered up in blankets. She loved it and it makes me feel good when I do things for her that she likes... Its really amazing work. Go me! I have plans to take her there and here ( like the beach she likes the beach, and with nice people - she likes nice people) and I have been consulting her on decisions about work. And I have been doing things that she suggests - like lying down in the afternoon, or getting up when I have been doing things too long - I never thought that I could remember to look after myself but now I have met my inner child - she is bringing out the nurturer in me BIG TIME. And it feels good the more good it feels the more I want to listen to her. She always does right by me. And the more she trusts me the more she opens up. Its amazing like watching a flower bloom.. Oh and she LOVESSSSSSS flowers. Its like I knew all this but now I really KNOW this cause shes telling me. go me! yay

[sunshinegirl]

I found the perfect quote that expresses what I have experienced:

"It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around."

mmmmMmmm yeah! This describes it pefectly what I have experienced lately and how I can love myself now as opposed to a few weeks ago when I felt loathing... This child stuff makes sense to me internally and its working too! Its really working for me more than anything else has.

[sunshinegirl]

I am relating to what you say when you say about caring for the adult I did that too... my whole focus was on what the adult was telling me to do. And when I couldn't do what they wanted me to do they would berate me. I remember being without food and feeling really scared and frightened and hungry and confused about the hungry feeling too. Like it was my fault for not being able to feed myself and work it out. I felt so terrible.
I know what you mean when you say you hear it but cannot feel it cause I have that too. I still have that - its easy for me to block the child out. They are so small so insignificant to everyone - it seems - I just blocked the child out so I am feeling kinda mean today. the child and I had a good day yesterday but I just had to do something this morning that the child didn't like much - so I blocked her out and did it. Its interesting cause I hate people blocking me out cause it hurts me so much... but here am I doing the same thing to the child! The blocking stops the emotion from being expressed and silences the child. I just hid the child again. oopps cant always get it right. I am good at hiding the child but I had to do that because of the unsafe environment I was raised in. See how clever we are to protect ourselves from danger - we hide that important part of ourselves somewhere inside and then it will come out again when it is safe and feels comfortable again.

my child thinks you are so cool. She gets that feeling from you when you say ok this sucks now!

Here comes my child shes coming out now: she just read what you had wrote and feels really fucking angry to the point that she feels nausea.

I want to give you advice on how to find your child - but I have a feeling that he will find you, when you feel your pain, shame that is him/her talking to you., when you feel your joy that is him/her talking to you. They (the child) find you in your dreams too - they'll visit you in a dreamscape and give you clues/communications to help you find them. Puzzling, it can be sometimes. I like a good puzzle personally.

Hes there for you, he always has been. I have always known this of my child. And I can see that in others I do not think you are any different. I think that they always love us no matter what. It makes sense to me too, because if you see children in real life they do love living and love without judgement and give love freely - so too does the our inner child.

[sunshinegirl]

well this week was weird, different, alarming, a downer sometimes. I went to an al-anon group but its not for me. I just don't get the reading stuff out of book? I wanted to sit around and talk about my experiences and listen to others experiences -but in the group I went to that only happens for a smidgen of the time. The rest of the time is reading from sheets of paper or a book. I met someone that I knew and she wanted to hug me and that was ok so we hugged. She was happy to see me there. I keep bumping into her in all sorts of places!

This week I had weird issues with 1) my boss 2) insights in to my job. 3) and I felt pretty empty sometimes. I also took myself out to a exhibition opening, then felt awkward as the person that had asked me had forgotten I was coming, and that they were gonna give me a lift home- I guess this is the problem with aquaintances where infrequent communication takes place. Then I took myself to a musuem late night opening and that lifted my spirits after I could have felt really rejected and gone home to brood. I also have been doing more study than usual - less procrastinating - and i did some inner child exercises - all in all a good healing week I think.

I feel like more companionship so I am going to another group on Tues next week. Its the group or a free movie... we'll see. I am feeling alot stronger in myself this week. Its like my protective layer has increased - its not so thin and veil like and easily pierced.

[sunshinegirl]

Farrr out I have caught myself sabotaging myself again!@#$! I am being drawn into another futile relationship this time with an aquaintance a woman and she is bitter and twisted and troubled with a serious illness and here I am being drawn to her like a moth to a flame.. ... god I can't leave myself alone for a minute!

I am slowly attaching myself to her and all she seems to do it complain about other people - which is something that I am not enjoying hearing from her so then I start to complain to myself at this stage about her... Argggh... its like so futile for me to even know her if I can't enjoy her company which I don't...i don't like her company because she is so bitter and twisted and so into complaining about people and being REALLY judgemental - all the things that I hate about myself and my mother...Shes really narrow minded as well... see Ive been drawn into it again I have to come here and vent about knowing her when all I have to do is give this woman a really HUGE berth!

groan... if only I could accept the fact that she is bitter and twisted and that is how she is being for now... but it bugs me so much and takes up my sweet energy that I need for making myself happy and comfortable and kind to myself... oh gee .. fell off the horse have to get back up again..

[sunshinegirl]

god I have been reading my posts and others tonight and this really is an amazing journey that we are recording here.... it really is.. it seems to be making much more sense to me at certain times and other times I just react to it emotionally...

[dancingbear]

That is how I feel about some of my councellors that I have had. It seems to be about them and not me how I feel or what is or is not their business. Some things are way off bounds. My whole family is down because of some of this stuff. They need to concern themselves with consoling someone who has been with violence not to play on it and make it worse. Some things are just off limits and I like boundaries..

[sunshinegirl]

Recently, I have had what I can only describe as the most truthful healing experience that I have had so far. I have begun to feel parts of my body and sensations in my body. This new opening of sensation has defied my overthinking brain. I thought that what I was experiencing was emotions but I was just thinking them lately I have been truly feeling my emotions in my body and its nothing like I have ever felt before.