[moriah]

Hey there SunshineGirl....may I call you gloomyGirl today? :-)

I know that listening to another's venting can suck when:
[list]someone doesn't move on after some time and intersperse the venting with problem solving.
they don't ask questions about my life and focus on anything but their vent (for a day or two that is ok but at some point I need balance)
we don't also laugh at ourselves while or shortly after the vent fest
we are not venting enough ourselves and don't having someone to mourn with.[/list]

Does anyone relate to the following when it comes to means of healing?!

it isn't just misery that loves company so does joy and most every other emotional state. In other countries I've seen groups of women wail in anguish over a death - grieve together physically, publicly, loudly not just conceptually or virtually. Without shame. I long for that.

Loneliness is anguish. Sometimes I think that due to the isolation I've already suffered and the general isolation of our American culture (read Bowling Alone) I need loving contact every day until I feel I need a break from it. Like a starving person scarfs up food until finally they do feel full and quit but to an observer the malnourished could look "too needy". Too need for what?

When I had a stable job and place to live and had left my abusive husband (at least not living in the same city) I actively socialized for the first time in my life and like any new skill it was agonizing, like physical therapy I needed breaks and more help. But unlike Congresswoman Gifford's recovery there was no one to say and hold my hand, 'its ok you did enough today' or 'keep going one more step'
I'd have healed better had there been. I know from doing so with children in foster care i worked with, it works wonders. There are not enough folks doing that with and for children so getting as an adult seems unlikely.

When I lived in the studio cottage and had work and stability I had to push myself to socialize and it was soooo hard, so many mistakes and trying to read indirect 'communication' but I started enjoying time alone too so I know I am not a bottomless pit- growing up abused and isolated and terrified I didn't develop a quiet place inside for focus and concentration and god I wish there was a place I could go now like a commune or something where we'd hug in the morning and there would be structured together time and alone time. I've seen programs for 800$ a week for that dylectic whatever therapy but I don't have anywhere near that money.

[moriah]

when i quit smoking i had to replace the need it filled with other means of filling the needs. The needs don't just go away.

Dieting is the same way. Just taking away doesn't deal with the deprivation.

Letting go of the heritage seems to me in order to really heal means holding onto something now and a future which is something I find impossible to do in isolation (easier when I was younger to fantasize my way through) and in the piecemeal inconsistent fractured connections of adult life. Was childhood the only opportunity to get the immersion of love and connection that one internalizes and carries with them so they are not so lonely when alone?

[Emms]

There always has to be something to fill that void deep within us. I quit smoking 4 years ago and of course that left a void. I also lost a lot of weight cos I used to eat as a way of filling that gap, so now I diet all the time and don't smoke (don't drink too often either so what a boring life) but I do exercise as much as I can just by walking my dog. It's been a great help to me, taking in an untrained rescue dog, fully grown and with lots of energy and bad habits learned through no fault of his own. So I trained him and walk him and love him and he gives me a lot back. Sounds stupid perhaps but my dog Buddy helps fill the void I once filled with cigs and food. I've also stated to do some voluntary work recently with ohters like myself who are survivors, but that's a different story and isn't working too well at the moment, kind of political reasons among other workers. But still it helps, we can always find something but we really do have to work at it. I still miss having a family, still get lonely and I've got a husband who is ok, but still I have issues and know I always will have. But in time, we can and do heal, if not completely, we heal enough to be at peace with ourselves and accept the things we can't change, find the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the diffference. I know that sounds a bit religious, those words were originally said by a nun I believe, well I'm not at all into religion, but those words are so true.

[sunshinegirl]

God wsb do you really think so.... I don't know about that... but I haven't looked for changes...

For me its sort of like here we go again... what the hell is happening to me here...oh well...thank you I will look at what you post in your area.. thanks for letting me know that too.


Moriah: thank you I think that I am in this stage: we are not venting enough ourselves and don't having someone to mourn with. This strikes a chord with me somewhere that maybe I am not mourning enough... with myself that is...

[sunshinegirl]

so for me yesterday was hellish and the whole week really. I have started a new job and I have trouble with jobs anyways its not the jobs its more the people and I feel like I have turned a corner with my behaviour in the workplace lately...
so I am at my new job and the dynamics of the people seem good and I am enjoying the company lots...

BUT I have a problem with people in the comand, as usual, and I have just worked through some things... 1)my immediate boss I couldn't really stand BUT I have seen a different perspective to her. At first I thought she was bossy and talking down to me but now... its evident that she is trying really hard to please and stay on the good side of her boss.
2) her boss also the boss that is overseeing a project that I am working on is not very good and making decisions and some things are not right somehow as when she does the rosters she does them and then changes them without informing people of the changes. no.1 problem. no. 2 problem I think she is full of shit and so have no respect for her.. now that I know these things I have been able to communicate with these women better.
3) i live at a hostel with another woman who befriended me and she works at this same place and we share part of the job together.. we knew each other and hung out before we worked together. now I have started this job I am seeing a new side to her . a side that I am not really warming too. She'll drop into the conversation nasty little comments about people. I find her pleasant when she wants your company but otherwise she can be indifferent and stubborn. I have more responsibility in our job share position and we have to liase to communicate stuff...and if I ask her could she do this she has this look on her face that seems to say stuff it up your arse. but then she still wants to do things with me ( things that she requires company doing)... its starting to remind me of some sort of passive aggressive bullshit like with my ex so I kinda want to keep my distance from that kinda thing.
god the last two weeks have really been busy on the outside with the new job and trying to fit in but also internally I have been dealing with alot of stuff on the inside as well. All the relationships that I am making with people has been really challenging as well.
Also the boss that I don't respect she has told people that I will be leaving in February which isn't true so now I have to go and clarify what she means by that and make sure its the same as what I had discussed with them with I started employment.

[sunshinegirl]

yeah so there is alot going on for me with my relationships with people, new ways of wanting to behave and letting go....

I feel annoyed with the big boss... I found her complaining with another co worker with how someone was doing something...and that to me is trouble... I would like to get things sorted if I were in a management position rather than fueling issues with workers..so this is a set back for me as I feel that she is not to be trusted or only trusted so far.... and the other thing is that there is a huge gap in the understanding between us i feel that she does not understand me so there are certain things that will need clarification when it comes to communicating with her esp. important issues like when I want to work and when I am available to work and etc.

I am feeling annoyed about this but also curious as well...
what I feel annoyed about:
since I have started work there for the 4 days I have been working I have sorted the paper work trail for three days of activities, I have done 9x3 assessements, I have provided 3 actual activities, I have had to do morning and afternoon teas, I have had 2 meetings, I have liased with several people, Ihave created 3 flyers, I have created the foundations of several folders of paperwork for external assessment and I have probably done alot more but when I wanted more than 15$ an hour I was told by this boss that they don't offer more but I could ask the bigger boss.... oddly I had already asked the bigger boss a week before and she said there was room for movement in that role and so now I am hating my lesser bigger boss even more now because I don't think she has a fucking CLUE about the hard work that I have done and what I have achieved in the FOUR fucking days that I have been working at the this stupid fucking place. So I don't like her because I feel undervalued by her already because she has her head up her arse or more probably is very busy with lots of other things...

and another moan she changed the fecking roster and the hours I was working without letting me know what the new times I was working would be... I mean thats just ridiculous... I am glad that she is leaving shortly

[sunshinegirl]

ok and now for some more moaning.. lol...

my new friend she'll add coments to about the staff that we work with and its idle gossip and kinda good to know but I don't like it and she seems to do it for the sake of it without resolving anything that irks her..
shes kinda defiant and resistant in a way that impedes things... its like her way of silent protest but its comes across to me as passive aggressiveness that I cannot bear to a point... she wants to do things and go out together but then shes like I am bored I am bored I am bored its like nothing seems to satisfy her and then shes oh lets do this and is all friendly but sometimes she is all resistant and its just fucking me off! I feel that shes playing me but really doesnt want to do things alone so will put up with me or will put up with herself or some shit.... Shes just surly and she can't make decisions about things and I get to make the decision but then am also held responsible for the decision if it doesn't suit her... its kinda dumb and I am aint gonna do it no more.. I mean shes going away for a few days and she said you can have a break from me and I thought shit thats you talking and your perspective not mine... I mean I don't hang out with her when I don't want to hang out with her for the sake of not being alone and having something to do when I am bored.. I hang out with her because I enjoy it... I think I need a break from her now though because I am having such a hard time of everything and just need a break from everyone.

ugh oh and she suffers from sever xenophbia with I really can't relate to and I really want to say shut up!

[sunshinegirl]

so I went to work last night and the 2nd in charge boss was there and I saw how she deals with things a little bit more last night and its quite a different technique from other management styles I have seen. she accumulates the mistakes one has done and then delivers them one after another all at the same time to the person that has done them, in front of everyone else. And tells them how to do them bettter. This is without any prior guidance or expectations on how to do the work. And last night she snatched a piece of paper that I was looking at right out of my hands and said - thats not for you to look at!
I feel quite annoyed about this. I don't like rude people at the best of times and if someone looses their cool like she did I think its an opportunity for reflective review and change but not everyone operates like me I know..... I was pretty pleased with how I saw this unfolding and was able to reel in the part of me that would fight with her to prove to her how wrong she is... well done me... I just watched and when she went through the correction process with me I nodded and said uh huh uh huh...yes... yes... ok... ok... I think I feel the confidence to speak straight forwardly to her about her approach should the opportunity arise Im not gonna make it happen too bigger hornets nest but I feel that I would be able to stand up for myself if she got a violating again. however, I would have to weigh that up with loosing the job I enjoy vs her leaving in a few short months and then I would have to weigh that up against how important it was to me to speak up and then I would have to weigh up the consequences of having a chat to her...
I feel like I have done something wrong you know to get on her bad side because her behaviour has really changed since I met her a few weeks ago.but I know thats shit and thats just her bad behaviour of which I have no control. Thats her ball field. its just so RUDE!

[sunshinegirl]

i have decided that I am not going to get all flustered and worried about anything that this horrible boss says... I just reread my post about going to sort out something that she has said to someone else that they have said to me... but I think its a trap. I don't know how this woman operates but I think that this could be a trap to get me all worked up about my employment status. If they can't give me the hours that I need then I will move on. go me! that is a good idea because I don't want to get caught up in all the drama of the place its a job not a fucking lifestyle! go me for coming to this decision. yay!

[sunshinegirl]

yeah so just reread everything and i feel that the boss role is a role that really terrifies me but I can feel that terrifying quality of that role is slowly dissapating for me.. she really tries to weld it over people though but I just think that her approach is very self important and self idolising in a way....I mean I know now that the first time that she told me something three times I was flabergasted that she was talking to me in a way that was simplistic and like I was less educated and intelligent than I am...but she does that to everyone. Its almost like she thinks that talking to people like that will help them understand something but I think its a very self serving and self elevating approach to helping people understand - but then again this could be all my junk clouding my perception of the situation.. shit of course its my junk clouding the perception of the situation its always about all my junk. lol.

[sunshinegirl]

the dynamic with this lady at the moment is one of annoyance. I just feel angry with her its the whole thing about not getting acknowledged for the amount of work that I have done in 4 days she really has her head up her arse if she can't see it but then to tell me that I don't have any experience after they give me that job and that i won't get anymore money based on this fact is a for me like waving a red flag at bull. shes just really I don';t know if rude is the word or its something like not giving people any credit for the hard work that they do - like being taken for granted... lately also my ex has been on my mind and I feel fucked off at him too because I spent all those xmas's miserable and stressed with him when I really didn't want to be because I really enjoy xmas festivities and seasons highlights and busyness and pressies and etc... and its for the same reason... I worked my arse off and don't get any recognition for it. I give too much and get fuck all in return.. I am really angry about it.... I am not doing it for this woman anymore...they can stick there job up there arsehole ..

[Emms]

SG, I really do understand what you're saying, but honestly you're one of thousands of ppl who feel that way about not being appreciated and being used by their bosses at work. It's not just us survivors, it's not just authority figures, it's a fact that there are some right bastards out there, esp some who have some kind of minor authoritive role. Think of a sargent in the army, that's a low ranking authority figure and some of them are abolutely HATED by the men working with them, others are loved cos they don't abuse their position. It's the same with ppl who often own businesses, esp small businesses. My husband works for a small courier company (he picks up parcels and takes them to a depot in a van) and the boss there is awful. He's one of the most selfish, stupid, stubborn and arrogant men I've ever met and treats his staff badly, though there are some who climb up his backside and he's always nice to those, my hubby isn't one of them. A bit of authority often makes ppl like that, not always, there are some lovely bosses, but some seem to love the feeling of power it gives them. They also don't appreciate what others do at work, I do some voluntary work and you wouldn't believe the way I've been treated, it's making me think about giving it all up. I did voluntary work before and the same happened, others took all the glory while I did the work til I'd had enough and left them to it, shortly after that the charity folded, they couldn't do it on their own. So it's not just you, it's not your problems as much as it is just ppl, the way they are. That's been my experience of work anyway, but there are a few who I have liked, a few bosses who really are good, but not many, and the lower ranking the boss seems to have, the worse they often are.

As for friends who gossip about others and cause trouble, I've known a few like that. Trouble is, if you're working with someone it's hard cos you can't really get away from them. It's so hard but sometimes we have to tolerate them and just play dumb and say 'yes' or 'no' and little else when they talk to you.

[sunshinegirl]

There are options and choices and I don't intend to sit back and do nothing about this. Thats something that i cannot do... just because everyone else experiences and accepts it doesn't mean that I have to.

also I am allowed to be upset by it and come and vent here too... I am not going to sit by and do nothing just because everyone else abuser, survivors or not accept that is the way that it is for them.

I don't need to understand that it has happened to everyone else for eons as I know that alot of people that I work with and have worked with feel like this sooner or later in there employment but its my response to it that makes a difference for me and coming venting about it here is part of my process of getting a solution to my problem rather than accepting it as normal and trying to carry on. I cannot do that. If coming here and writing it down and working it out helps me thats what I will do... I can't accept it and I don't have to...

[sunshinegirl]

god i feel like I am going through a " making crap friends" moment for the past few months after leaving my partner. I feel desolate inside and just want some companionship like I had with him - but not like I had with him.. it just felt comfortable and good and like a true companion at times.. I felt truly listened to and all the rest that I feel like I crave right now... and here I am looking for friends to have and tonight I had a crap experience where I was humiliated by a group of them... i felt really angry by it and confused and angry and don't want that to happen to me again... I felt violated in some way too like I have been lulled into a sense of relaxation and freeness where I felt like I could be myself but then NO rude wake up call and all the rest of it.... I felt very angry about a feature of mine that I cannot help its like being wrong for being tall... its not like I had anything to do with it or that I can help the way that it is, it just is like that... I was very upset that these people could be so rude about it... I am finding making friends can have set backs like this its emotionally ick for me to face this negativity full on... I just feel quite overwhelmed by peoples responses to things and negative comments about me at the time. Needless to say I thought to myself that I never want to be in that situation again... and I don't want to hang out with those people again... it really hurt me. I feel some relief knowing that I don't have to do anything with them again... I thought about ignoring them and being haughty and being rude and aggressive and all the rest of it but nah... I am going to leave them behind and find some nicer people to hang out with me... its times like these that I miss that weird feeling of comfort that I felt with my ex... but I have a feeling that that was some sort of delusion that I put myself through to ignore the rough shit that was happening around me.

[sunshinegirl]

I have to let go of that fantasy that everything is nice and there are true companions out there and true soul mates and nice friends and people that will be kind to me and reach out to me and love me.. I feel like I have to let that go that its all just an illusion and delusion...an odd fantasy that does nothing but gives me pain and hurt.