[Doreen B]

I was wanting to post something here and am wondering if this site is even up and running as I have not seen any new posts. I was sexually abused by my stepfater. Emotionally abused by my mother. I never had anyone to turn too for support and I'm always depressed. People ask what's wrong and I'm to afraid to tell what's wrong for fear that they will look at me in disgust. I do so need someplace to be able to share without being condemed for what happened to me all those years ago. I really would appreciate any kind of support. I have no friends as i don't trust anyone. I think that if there were some sort of support group that it would help me. I can't afford counciling so that is out of the question. I feel so alone. I just don't think that I can go on this way much longer.

[kacollins]

Doreen, I have not been sexually abused, but verbally abused - criticism about my developing body as a child did occur.

I do go to a Celebrate Recovery at my church and I also got an Al-anon daily book from a friend. Al-anon is for family members of alcoholics. It supports people who have had pain and suffering and grief from lost years. .. I wonder if you could get some support there. If there is a local place nearby or you could pick up a book. Mine is called Courage to Change, One Data at a Time. A freind just gave it to me and it is amazing how child abuse and alcohol abuse to family members has some of the same pain and shame issues that we struggle with almost every moment of our lives.

I hope you will not give up Doreen.

Love Kim

[Doreen B]

kacollins
Thanks, I have read some books that deal with abuse. I don't have a church affiliation, as I do not believe in the bible and feel really uncomfortable being in a church. I do appreciate you suggestions though. It seems that everytime I try to discuss my problems with people that I think would understand, they just either don't want to hear it or they say it's in the past just get over it. How do you get over something that you have carried around for 50 years. I thought that I had this under control, but I don't. I was hoping for a little support here, but don't think that there is to much here.

[Jilly B]

doreen,
i just found this site, and am also looking for support, as my life has come to a standstill.
I am with you on not being too keen on the god and church thing. doesn't make too much sense to me. I look to nature and my horses to help my soul. And music. I don't think I'd be here with either of those.
I hope you find at least a bit of the support you are looking for here. I'm here now!

[Doreen B]

Hi Jilly B, Welcome to this site. I have been reading some of the post here. There doesn't seem to be to many. I had thought that I was maybe posting here wrong, but recently started getting some replies to my posts. I'm glad that at least someone understands about the religious thing. I do tend to take solice in music. At times I think that the only things that keep me going are my grandkids. It seems that the sense when grandma has the blues and they always try to find some way of putting a smile on my face. So for now it's all I have.

[Jilly B]

Thanks for the hello...can't sleep tonight. Tried Benadryl..made me hyper and i've taken my daily alllowance of Klonopin..ugh. Dont' get me started on medication pains in the butts...lol

[Autumn_Raven]

Hi Doreen,

I just started posting here too and have thought about trying the isurvive forum since they seem a lot more active. Actually maybe too active. I can't really read everything. I know what you mean about not being able to afford counceling. I have insurance and its still to much since they want to see me weekly. Copays on mental health therapy are high if they will even consider it. I have never really talked to anyone either since I don't have any clear cut memories and the ones that are clear to me people just brush off or they might even laugh. It doesn't mean it does not hurt though and people just don't seem to understand that. And being told to 'just get over it' is like a knife in the heart. Oh well. It's wonderful to have a child sometimes. My little girl looks at me when I sort of fade away and she says, "mommy, how can I make you smile?" And that is so hard because she is only 3 and she should never have worry about me. She usually finds a way to make me smile anyway. I check this site a lot though so you know I'm here at least.

[LoriT]

Hi,

I am new... I am searching to figure out who I really am... I am not comfortable in my own skin. I always make it to step four and then shut off ... I was sexually abused by my brother, physically abused by my mother, and verbally by my father. My father walked out on my family just over a year ago and it has made me secretly outraged. I feel like I am five again and so needy, but no one is around to help.

[myusername]

Hello... I'm new here too. I'm actually looking to start a local ASCA group myself, although you guys are most likely all over the place.

Well, at least we can share on here.

[mercurymaid]

Hi Doreen B, i'm new to this site and have been looking for an online group for support for a while now. I joined this one because your story is so similar to mine. I too was abused in my childhood but this was by my blood related but mainly absent father. I only remember the one incident which has plagued me all of my adult life. I'm 40 now and have only recently discovered that the devastation that is my life is directly linked to that incident. (I live in fear of some day remembering other incidents and completely losing my sanity). In addition, my mother's neglect of me compounded my pain for many years and although she has been dead over 20 years now, through counselling I have continued to recal many situations and comments she made to me that have made me angrier and angrier the more I remember. I too seem to spend a lot of my time in a state of stress and anxiety and stress and have an eating disorder. I have always felt different, isoolated and on the brink of insanity. I can only maintain a relationship over the phone with friends who are very few in number (2) and I am estranged from all but one of my many siblings. Where I am fortunate is that I now have a counsellor who is supporting and enabling me to accept the past and map out a future for myself because my life up until this point has been A NIGHTMARE!! Work, leisure, finances, you name it. I recently went on holiday to Dubai and sat in my hotel room depressed for two weeks. (Joker eh??). I'm responding to your email because I think it's imperative that we never, ever just satisfy ourself with just remembering. The memories are haunting and shameful and you had better believe that these have impacted throughout your life. Have you ever heard of your 'Inner Child'? It's worth researching as there is a whole other side to your SELF, the real YOU that sadly many people in this world never meet because their lives have been shaped by the mask they present to the outer world in order to cope. I hope you continue to search and find the support you need in all areas of your life and that you dont find my responding to your email too imposing. Good luck with your journey.

[gloworm]

hi I'm going through the same things that you are hon . over 50 years of struggling with my past. don;t give up. we will make it yet
gloworm

[LoriT]

HI!

I just wanted to say that you older ladies are amazing for taking the time to heal from your past... so many people want to run forever... I thank you for stepping up and stepping out.

The reason I go by LoriT is because it represents two amazing people that held me up as a child when home was horrible. They still stand by my side today whenever I need them.

[LoriT]

HI!

I just wanted to say that you older ladies are amazing for taking the time to heal from your past... so many people want to run forever... I thank you for stepping up and stepping out.

The reason I go by LoriT is because it represents two amazing people that held me up as a child when home was horrible. They still stand by my side today whenever I need them.

[sammy]

Hey doreen, i too am new here and reading what you said about the whole religious thing got me thinking, I too hate going to church now, for my abuser was the minister. He took on the father role and used me for his own sexual gratifications. Being a vulunerable 14 year old i didn't know any different, considering my parents barely spoke any words to me. For some reason i was being 'shunned' for being alive. but my sister who is 3 years younger they adored go figure. In comes my savior a minister of the church and sexually abuses me for 7 years. after 10years he is still in my dreams and my thoughts, i just want to feel something, i cant relate to other people, i cant even sympathise when a friend is hurting. i am and numb and so emotionally detacted makes me wonder what life is really all about. how do people function? i just don't understand. i wonder if i wasn't abused if i would be normal? anyway i rang the minister tonight and asked him why he did what he did, he said that he hasn't done anything wrong and that he 'loves' me and i cant live without him.
I am so confused and depressed. I don't know what to do

[GildedGirl]

Sammy, please find a different minister or a non-religious person to talk to -- let the one who hurt you go for now (forever?). You can live without him. You will live better without him.
If there's aYMCA or community center in your area, even at a senior center you could ask them about where you can find someone to talk to who can help you and who is safe.