Freedom

Sheryl · Joined: 03 Feb 2012 Posts: 80 Location: PA and AL

I try to call and talk to my dad once in awhile, a lot more now that I am free, but I don't want to bother him, and i'm ever sure if he wants to talk to me or is just being nice. I miss him, and i am not sure how to get my dad back.

Sheryl · Joined: 03 Feb 2012 Posts: 80 Location: PA and AL

I am both excited and terrified to be going back to PA in the spring

Sheryl · Joined: 03 Feb 2012 Posts: 80 Location: PA and AL

Tonight was my sons 1st birthday. I can not believe what has taken place in one year and how different my life has changed for the better. I am free , no one can hurt me nor influence my life for their own benefit.

Sheryl · Joined: 03 Feb 2012 Posts: 80 Location: PA and AL

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, the father of my son. I was talking to his mother this afternoon and I realized something. The relationship that I am in now is the first one that I chose to be in. When my boyfriend and I have " a romantic night" ( not sure what would be nicer to say then that) It is because I want to, i don't know how to convey how empowering that is.

(Before if my mother was interested in a man she would use me as bait, have me sleep with them ( I was 15, these were adult men) and then she would sleep with them. that happened twice.
The man she was with for twelve years , she had me sleep with to keep around. I was so numb to physical interactions with the opposite sex.
It was never enjoyable ( I lost my virginity to her lover at the age of 14) it was a duty, something that I was taught to do to make others happy.

With ever present clarity I remember more and more about the last 12 years, many times at night I think of these things and want to puke.)

Sheryl · Joined: 03 Feb 2012 Posts: 80 Location: PA and AL

I refuse to let those evil people and the memories I have of them shadow this wonderful day.
My son's paternel grandparents drove all the way from Pa to be in alabama for his birthday! It was wonderful, I have greatly enjoyed spending the weekend with them and will miss them when they return home. many family members ( of the true family that I am building of select individuals made up of family that is supportive of me , old and new friends)sent gifts in the mail over the last week. So it was very exciting to get the mail everyday. the little man learned how to open the mailbox and get packages lol

I wish you all a goodnight and a wonderful tomorrow, please remember in your darkest hours , that you are stronger then you think you are, and that you are never alone.

toroko · Joined: 13 Feb 2012 Posts: 2 Location: United States

this is my very first time on here and I read your story first. Wow girl. I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you. NOBODY should ever have to go through even a minute of the hell you have had to go through. You will have to continue to pull all the strength you can from deep inside of you combined with all the support you can find around you. I really feel for you. My abuse was by my father. I have yet to tell the story. the tragic loss of Whitney Houston pushed me to look on line for help. It is nearly 50 years ago that my father was removed from our home. The pain never completely goes away. I have not been helped yet. I am like you a survivor and that is something to be proud of. God bless.

Sheryl · Joined: 03 Feb 2012 Posts: 80 Location: PA and AL

Thank you, and I wish you the best in your recovery. and welcome. although I am very new to this forum, I have already found that I am sleeping better and am much more relaxed. I have found that surrounding yourself with good people can make all the difference, at this point in my life I have cut off contact with anyone who does not support me and my decision to have no contact with my mother ( Its hard to believe but there are a few family member that think she is great) Thanks again for replying and again, Welcome and I hope you find inner peace

toroko · Joined: 13 Feb 2012 Posts: 2 Location: United States

Both of my parents were abusive. Now they are both in nursing homes and it is hard not to feel sorry for them.

I had to learn many years ago when I was raising my sons that just because a person is your biological Mom, doesn't automatically make her fit to be your real Mom. I had to go through what is much like a divorce from my mom. Like you, I had to write her a letter and tell her what I felt and how she had hurt me. She ignored the content and acted like she never got it. I completely disassociated my self from her for many years. I chose people in my community to be substitute moms. At least that was what I tried to do but I never got the support that I needed.

My Father refuses to acknowledge his wrong doing. He Abused 3 of us girls. The younger 3 girls were spared because my sister went for help ending up in his removal. It was all so secret that I had no idea what was going on. We were a missionary family in another country, making it even more isolating and difficult to get help.

We have all survived. that is amazing. both parents, and 10 of us abused children. all of us are damaged and struggle with low self esteem. So glad you are on the road to recovery. I am working on mine too.

thanks for posting and your reply. We will get through life. and we know what is important.

Sheryl · Joined: 03 Feb 2012 Posts: 80 Location: PA and AL

I remembered something this afternoon. I remembered being in the pool house ( 14 years old) I was lying on a raft, my back turned away from J and L, they were talking about sex , it was making me very uncomfortable (why would my mother and at the time my boyfriend be talking about sex?) I remember hearing the sound of his chair squeak and him fingering her, and her moaning, and then one of them told me to leave and go make a snack. FOR GODS SAKE I WAS 14 YEARS OLD AND IN THE SAME DAMN ROOM WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!

I want to puke and I am so angry I just shake. I hate them so much