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Archive
A collection of our past newsletters.
Note: You may be interested in our archive of past blog posts—the Wordpress ASCA blog, for years 2011–2014.
Newsletters
Our archive contains 87 past issues of our newsletter, years: 1999–2003, 2009–2010, and 2014–2021 in 556 pages. The latest issues are on top.
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| Item | Issue | Topics / Articles | Text |
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1) |
March, 2021 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Haruv USA at the University of Oklahoma Tulsa will be hosting a virtual presentation on April 8, 2021 by Dr. Gannon and Bo Smith, speaking about our ASCA program using the zoom platform. Learn more about and register for the event, by clicking here . You won't want to miss it! This newsletter is now published bi-monthly. [THE MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE] [CONTACT US] | [FIND A MEETING] | [DONATE NOW] NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE | PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 Unsubscribe {recipient's email} Update Profile | Constant Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
2) |
January, 2021 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Unable to see parts of this newsletter? Click here for a web based version INTERESTED IN FREE TRAINING TO BECOME A CO-FACILITATOR? Get the training you need to start your own ASCA Support Group! Receive future mentoring and guidance from other co-facilitators Give back to the ASCA community by learning how to hold safe meeting spaces PART I and PART II: February 6th and 13th contact us to sign up today! [THE MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE] [CONTACT US] | [FIND A MEETING] | [DONATE NOW] NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE | PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 Unsubscribe {recipient's email} Update Profile | Constant Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
3) |
Winter, 2020 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse Quarterly Newsletter - Winter 2020 We offer you warm wishes for the holidays, no matter which ones you celebrate. Gratitude: Mark's journey with ASCA Recovery through writing: By Scott ASCA Virtual Cafe Meeting Guidelines ASCA Virtual Cafe Meeting Guidelines The capacity to recover quickly from COVID-19, has led many in person ASCA Support Groups to hold their meetings in the virtual world: more specifically using free online applications such as zoom. Many ASCA Support Groups also feature a social 'meeting after the meeting' time, often called "cafes". Cafes allow Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, to socialize in a more relaxed, personal setting. While cafes are less structured, attendees are encouraged to use "I" statements, and ask each other if they wish to recieve feedback, before it is given. Staying clear from giving advice, including clinical or personal interpretations of each other's behavior or shares, helps everyone feel equal, safe, and supported. Be mindful of using gentle, non-accusatory language Stay clear from Psychoanalyzing, giving Advice, and Labeling of Others (name calling) Want to give feedback? Don't relent, without consent Gratitude: Mark's Journey with ASCA From the age of 14 years old, I discovered alcohol. I quickly learned that substances could change the way I felt, and help me forget, or minimize, the trauma that I was suffering in my life. They made my life bearable, enabling me to endure. At the age of 16 I was able to move away from my abusive situation. I felt at the time that the abuse was behind me, and that I could move on with my life. The substance abuse, however, continued to progress becoming an overwhelming influence in my life, interfering with everything I tried to accomplish: personal relationships, work, housing and embroiling me in the criminal justice system. Through my introduction to recovery support groups, I was able to practice complete abstinence from all substances. Within weeks from the time I got "clean" I began again to experience flashbacks that entailed scenes of some of the abusive incidents I had experienced as a child. These soon became terrifying to me – I felt that I might be going insane. That's when I reached out to a therapist that specialized in recovery from child abuse. It was my therapist who told me about ASCA. After several individual sessions he suggested that a safe support group, in conjunction with continuing to see him, could be helpful to me in recovery from my childhood experiences. Let me just say that at that time I was not sure that I could call my experiences "abuse". It was clear to me that a parent had been sexually inappropriate with me, but I was not sure that it was severe enough to classify as "abuse". I did have a long history of severe substance abuse, pervasive thoughts of suicide, intrusive memories of "incidents" that occurred during my childhood, and under certain circumstances felt that I was going to die. At the age of 40, I still could not establish an adult relationship with that parent. I did have a long history of severe substance abuse, had pervasive thoughts of suicide, had intrusive memories of "incidents" that had occurred during my childhood, and under certain circumstances felt that I was going to die. At the age of 40, I still could not establish an adult relationship with that parent. The first time that I went into an ASCA meeting, I was afraid. I had no idea what to expect. Observation was my primary goal: I needed to know that this group was safe. I remember when people started to share, I could not hold back the tears. People were sharing about experiences and feelings, I had kept long suppressed. I could see that people were learning to live full and productive lives, despite the harsh realities that they had experienced as children. For the next 4 years I concentrated on this part of my recovery by going to ASCA meetings, becoming a co-facilitator, getting involved in training, and by providing input into developing some ASCA material. ASCA has helped me change the way that I live in the world. I continue to be clean and sober and the trajectory of my life has changed from jails, institutions, and death, to the richness I experience most days. I am able to look at my part in situations, holding myself accountable. ASCA has enhanced my ability to look at all of my relationships holding others accountable for their actions as well. It has enabled me to free myself from the past: no more emotionally damaging flashbacks, my relationships are better, work life has progressed beyond anything I ever thought possible and I no longer have an overwhelming feeling that I am going to die. My relationships with my family have never been perfect but I have been able to become an autonomous adult because of the hard work I did with my ASCA peers. I owe a great deal to ASCA, and try to give back what was so freely given to me by being of service to the Morris Center. I could not have attained a life worth living without the ASCA program. Recovery through writing: By Scott There seems often as many roads to recovery from a painful childhood, as people who seek to recover. Makes sense. We each have our own fingerprints, and our own psyches. I know people who express themselves through painting. I know those who create music. I know some who listen to music that speaks to them. For some, therapy is the main thing. For some, support groups are the main thing. I know of a guy who built businesses. He went through self- exploration too, but he healed himself largely through work. Of course, many of us use all of that in different measures. For me, essay writing is key. As a kid, I sometimes wanted to become a journalist; although sadly I was in too much pain for most of my life to e ver pull that off professionally. However, I became an investigative journalist for my own life. I started writing essays that told my story. I’d write them and rewrite and rewrite, recovering memories, solving crimes. All the edits, scores of them, all the rereading, helped me to rewire my brain. I got to tell my story. My childhood was one, among other things, where my mind had been shut down by people around me. By writing, I recovered my own mind. It was hard work, but it was so cathartic. It's not over. I still do it all the time. I’m doing it right now. [THE MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE] [CONTACT US] | [FIND A MEETING] | [DONATE NOW] NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE | PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 Unsubscribe {recipient's email} Update Profile | Constant Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
4) |
June, 2020 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) JUNE 2020 In This Issue John Thompson The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here f or a web based version Dear Colleagues, Fellow Survivors, and Friends: We are deeply saddened to share with you that John Thompson passed away in the hospital, earlier this week, from cancer. We don't have any words to express how much we will miss John. For nearly 15 years he was The Morris Center's primary point of contact to countless survivors, therapists, and family members who reached out to us for help. John was, in so many ways, our trusted advisor when it came to ASCA training and outreach. He was a kind man - always here for survivors who just needed someone to talk to, and untiring in his service to The Morris Center. We mourn his passing and the loss of a good friend, colleague, and courageous activist for healing from child abuse in our world. We'll close with John's signature quote: "Only the dead have seen the end of war and child abuse. " Rest in peace, John. The Morris Center will host a memorial/tribute for John via Zoom on Sunday June 14th from 11am - 12:30pm PDT. Please RSVP via email to John@ASCA.Cloud If anyone wants to share something about John, or images that remind them about John, they can do so via this email. Sincerely, Jessy Keiser President, The Norma J. Morris Center Board of Directors http ://www.ascasupport.org/ The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
5) |
June, 2020 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JUNE 2020 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version UPLIFT The Morris Center wants to remind you that regardless of your relationship with your family you are awesome just the way you are you have the right to be who you want to be and you have the right to live the way you want to live Happy "YOU" day Check out helpful tips from Therapist Nedra Tawwab When Father's Day Is A Trigger @NEDRATAWWAB Reasons You don't have a healthy relationship with your father Your father is deceased Your father was never present You are grieving the loss of a father-like relationship You are away from your father You are a parent who experienced the death of your child You're a single parent (mother or father) Ways To Cope Plan to do things that make you feel happy Spend time with people who understand your feelings Be intentional about building relationships with father-like figures Allow yourself to feel the difficult feelings without rushing them away Start a new Father's Day tradition Go to therapy prior to Father's Day to explore your feelings www.nedratawwab.com Cloister Garden in Venice,Italy photo by John Thompson "Cloister Gardens always invite me to pause, sit, and enj oy the seclusion and silence" In memory of John Thompson Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
6) |
May, 2020 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. MAY 2020 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version UPLIFT The Morris Center wants to remind you that regardless of your relationship with your family you are awesome just the way you are you have the right to be who you want to be and you have the right to live the way you want to live Happy "YOU" day Check out helpful tips from Therapist Nedra Tawwab When Mother's Day is a Trigger @NEDRATAWWAB Reasons Being abandoned by your mother Pregnancy loss Difficulty conceiving Loss of a child Being a mother without support Having an unhealthy relationship with your mothcr Loss of a parent or close relative Being hurt by your mother Grieving the loss of a mother-like relationship Being away from your mother Ways To Cope Plan to do things that make you feel happy Spend time with people who understand your feelings Be intentional about building relationships with mother-like figures Allow yourself to feel the complicated feelings without rushing them away Start a new Mother's Day tradition Go to therapy before Mother's Day to explore your feelings www.nedratawwab.com Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
7) |
Spring, 2020 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Spring 2020 In This Issue -Resilience: A special article written by Patrick Gannon, PhD -Thank you for your support -Original Artwork -Original Poetry: A Haiku by Echosaisis -Get involved -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. In this Quarterly newsletter issue, we shine a light on Adult Survivors of Child Abuse through a special article written by Patrick Gannon, PhD, original artwork, and poetry. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide with over 50 support group meetings. We need your help to reach more survivors. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of you that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Unable to see p arts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version In our previous issue, we mentioned an incorrect date for Part II of our co-facilitator support group training. The correct dates both fall on Saturday: April 18th and April 25. send us an email if you are interested Building Resilience In The Face Of COVID-19 We can all agree that the corona-virus has altered our lives in many ways and probably more ways to come. This has caused significant stress that affects each of us in different ways- emotionally, financially, psychologically, family dynamics and occupational issues to name j ust a few. Resilience is a process of adaptation to stressful events. Resilience is about learning how to rebound from adversity and emerge as a stronger person. But you must implement some of the changes that research is suggesting. First, a comment about anxiety. Understand that the pandemic creates uncertainty and uncertainty causes anxiety. Many of us already have anxiety-20% of the American population have anxiety disorders. The uncertainty is likely to trigger more anxiety-unless you take active measures to push back. One of the best things you can do is adopt a daily exercise routine. Cardio exercise is the best natural treatment for anxiety. Walking, running, and biking either alone or with others at distance are all safe exercises that will not put you at risk. Below is a summary of helpful suggestions drawn from several sources including the American Psychological Association's "The Road To Resilience" (2020). Reach Out To Other People And Build Social Connections. Accepting and giving help to others builds resilience through social connection. However, "sheltering in place" makes this more challenging because face to face contact is now risky. So, we have to adapt. Fortunately, we now have video communications technologies like FaceTime, Skype and Zoom that can make reaching out and connecting with others safe. Avoid Seeing Crises as Insurmountable Problems How are your perceptions about the pandemic impacting your mood? Negative perceptions can trigger negative mood states. Perceptions can feel like obj ective truth but in reality, they are highly subj ective and vulnerable to personal biases especially when under stress. But, we can control how we interpret challenging situations. Be wary of extreme j udgments about how this will all play out. Accept That Change Is A Part Of Living Some people have a hard time dealing with change. The pandemic has caused change that is impacting us every day. Don't fight the reality of the virus and let it consume your thoughts. We must move forward and adapt to the new reality. Move Toward Your Goals The corona-virus might cause us to shift some of our immediate goals. Be realistic in adjusting your goals and tie them to specific actions you can take. Trying something new will give you a sense of control. Active engagement is a key element of resilience. Take Decisive Actions Take action on adverse situations rather than avoiding problems. Solve situational challenges that come up on a daily basis by being creative and flexible. Adopt a can-do approach to life. Look For Opportunities for Self-Discovery Many people who have experienced hardships have reported positive benefits-better relationships, greater self-worth or a heightened appreciation of life. Look for ways to take action that is new for you. Surprise yourself in a good way. Nurture A Positive View of Yourself We are all doing the best we can in these trying times. Let that feeling of self-acceptance settle in and provide a safe emotional haven. Recall your strengths based on past successes. Keep Things In Perspective Even when facing stressful times, try to consider the situation in a broader context. Hold a longer- term perspective. Times are hard right now but they will change. Don't let yourself get defined by your fears and anxieties. Maintain A Hopeful Outlook Protect your sense of hope. Maybe humanity can pull together and accept that we are all in this together. We must balance the threat of today with some hopefulness for tomorrow. Take Care Of Yourself Engage in activities that you enj oy. While the pandemic will restrict your choices, there are simple things you can do to nourish yourself- taking a warm bath, having a cup of tea, going for a walk, reading a good book, calling a friend, doing a home proj ect, meditating, and listening to music. Patrick Gannon, PhD is a clinical and performance psychologist in SF and lives in San Rafael. We want to give a big thank you to everyone who has helped support The Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse. Arabic Calligraphy: "Live lif e caref ree and vibrant. Love y ourself " Original water color and pen artwork, by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse One day, so happy Next day, hopeless and so sad A mental illness Blinding Aurora A whole, confused ocean Brings Inside the sandstorm A Haiku poem by Echosaisis Begin the conversation by helping those that need it most. 1 in 6 adults are survivors of child abuse. Get involved Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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April, 2020 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. APRIL 2020 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version APRIL IS NATIONAL CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION MONTH Did you know, the ratio of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse in the United States, is 1 in 6? Here at The Norma J. Morris Center, we are committed to serving therapists, and the community of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. That's why this month, we will be publishing more than one issue of our usual monthly e-newsletter. In addition to this issue letting you know about training to become a support group co-facilitator (which can also be taken as a refresher course for current co-facilitators), our next newsletter will feature an article about resilience, written by Patrick Gannon, Ph.D., founder of the ASCA Self Help Recovery Program through the Norma J. Morris Center. Learn more about resilience in our Quarterly Newsletter, later this month. You won't want to miss it! INTERESTED IN FREE TRAINING TO BECOME A CO-FACILITATOR? Get the training you need to start your own ASCA Support Group! Receive future mentoring and guidance from other co-facilitators Give back to the ASCA community by learning how to hold safe meeting spaces PART I and PART II: APRIL 18th and APRIL 22nd contact us to sign up today! Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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March, 2020 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. MARCH 2020 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version The art of life lies in a constant readjustment to our surroundings -Okakura Kakuzo Self esteem is a learned behavior, and can be changed by reworking and rethinking old attitudes and perceptions. Spending more time at home, could become new ways to work on our recovery process. Here are 5 benefits of rearranging your furniture for less stress Explore ideas in the self help section of Step 16 in our survivor to thriver manual Attend a virtual ASCA meeting, right from the comfort of your own home. Click here to send an email to find out more about the Saturday meetings. Virtual meetings also happen on Tuesdays and Thursdays. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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February, 2020 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. FEBRUARY 2020 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. -Amelia Earhart "When is the right time for ASCA?" is a legitimate, pertinent question. As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, the right time for me was when I had enough time to recognize some emotions that were troubling. These emotions were not of the "temporary blues, this too shall pass" variety. They fell into the "What is the purpose of my place on Earth?" variety. Although I didn't feel suicidal, I did feel despair. The emotions were certainly signs of a profound midlife identity crisis. I decided to seek out trauma counseling so that I could revisit my awareness of (and attachment to) my identity as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Although necessary, this was a frustrating decision because I had already sought counseling when I was 16, 26, and 36. That pattern would suggest that I needed help every decade or so. In fact, I was 46 when I experienced some radical life changes: My daughter moved out to start the next chapter of her life, my mother died, and I got downsized from the company I had worked at for 17 years. I felt like I needed to make a radical change! I found ASCA via a Web search, and was delighted that a meeting was held in the evenings. At first, I was put off by how structured the meeting was: so many guidelines! I realize now, 3 years later, structure ensures safety and decreases any variability/vulnerability. Some gifts that ASCA gives me each meeting, include : a safe space to be seen/heard, validation for my experience as a survivor, resources to read, a chance to do service as a co-facilitator, exposure to diversity/inclusion, healing, and stress relief. I consider ASCA meetings an integral part of my portfolio of healing practices (gym, reading, journaling, therapy, etc). Hindsight, they say is 20/20. My ASCA goals for 2020 are not looking backward, but rather, to my future. These goals include improving my listening skills, facilitating an ASCA support group at least once a month, and supporting new members who may be wondering, "Is this the right place at the right time?" I hope the answer is yes! written by: Derek ASCA, New York Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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January, 2020 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JANUARY 2020 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version We want to say a big THANK YOU to all who made donations in 2019. Your donations help ensure we are able to pay for costs maintaining our website, explore new ways to develop the ASCA program, and help set up new support group meetings around the world. We are committed to our continued service to countless survivors and therapists. We would not be here without YOU! Thank you Happ y Martin Luther King Jr. Day CONSIDER CREATING A VISION BOARD TO HELP YOU ACCOMPLISH PERSONAL GOALS IN THE YEAR 2020 Images and words that represent your personal goals, can encourage focus on being who you want to be, and living the way you want to live. Creating a visual collage of your goals can be both fun, and easy. TIPS FOR CREATING A VISION BOARD: Use only positive images and words Be clear about what you REALLY want Consider ideas and plans that EXCITE you the most Place your vision board somewhere you will see it OFTEN Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Winter, 2019 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter WINTER 2019 In This Issue -Original Poetry -ASCA Virtual BOOK CLUB -ASCA Support Group: Suggested guidelines outside of meetings -THANK YOU -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook In this Quarterly newsletter issue, we share about an ASCA Book Club, original poetry, and some suggested guidelines for interacting with other ASCA members outside of meetings. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide. We need your help to reach more adult survivors of child abuse. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of y ou that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Unable to see p arts of this newsletter ? Click here for a web based version Original Poetry: Harsh Words by Paige There's a reason I won't be Spoken to that way. See I heard too much In my younger days. Words like a knife Cut to the quick. Soon I found My identity had been stripped. I would try to be anyone And anything I would say To make them stop gnawing At my heart that way. But as I grow older More knowledge I gain. I'm learning my worth And letting go of the we pain. I now speak out When I feel I'm mistreated And stand firm for the respect That I've always needed. ASCA BOOK CLUB Did you know there 's an ASCA book club formed by members of the ASCA virtual meetings? Share and learn about books on thriving and recovery with other Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Using the zoom platform , this discussion group meets every other Monday Night. To learn more, send an email and include "book club" in the subject line ASCA Cafés (including virtual), Social Network Pages & ASCA buddies self care is important: We recommend that interactions with other ASCA members outside of meetings, use the same guidelines we follow during our ASCA meetings: Supportive Feedback and/or Information & Resources Stay away from Psychoanalyzing, giving Advice, and Labeling of Others (name calling) Be mindful of using gentle, non- accusatory language. Thanks to Amaroq for helping write this article! We want to give a big THANK YOU to all who made donations in 2018. Your donations help ensure we are able to pay for costs maintaining our website, explore new ways to develop the ASCA program, and help set up new support group meetings around the world. We are committed to our continued service to countless survivors and therapists. We would not be here without YOU! Thank y ou Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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November, 2019 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. NOVEMBER 2019 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version YOUR HEALTHIEST WINTER YET Here are some tips for a Healthy Winter Layer clothing for warmth and comfort Stay hydrated and moisturize more often Be aware of weather changes for safer travels Attend an ASCA meeting for support from fellow Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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October, 2019 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. OCTOBER 2019 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version INTERESTED IN FREE TRAINING TO BECOME A CO-FACILITATOR? Get the training you need to start your own ASCA Support Group! Receive future mentoring and guidance from other co-facilitators Give back to the ASCA community by learning how to hold safe meeting spaces PART I and PART II: October 26th & November 2nd contact us to sign up today! Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. SEPTEMBER 2019 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this Newsletter? click here for a web based version where ASCA Brazil is happening : Inside a room at the Anglican Church of São Paulo ANTONIO JOINS THE MORRIS CENTER BOARD OF DIRECTORS My name is Antonio. I am from Brazil and currently live in São Paulo with my family: my wife + two kids = my jewels! I used to live in Italy from 1996 until 1998. It was a nice European experience. I got a scholarship at that time. I did my masters in law, at Bologna University. I also used to live and work in New York from December 2016 until the end of last year (2018). Nowadays I live in São Paulo, although my "official job office" is in New York. I travel quite a lot to different countries, because of my job. With my family, there is no difference where I live. As a survivor, I was introduced to ASCA in New York in March of 2018. After more than 18 years of therapy, having the chance of knowing ASCA was eye-opening to me: lots of internal discoveries, meeting great people, and I could understand child abuse much better. I don't think I knew where were the "boundaries" of child abuse before being introduced to ASCA meetings. Honestly, I don't remember using the words "child abuse" before ASCA. Today is 100% the opposite. I started being a Co-Facilitator in ASCA meetings in New York for a few times last year. It was a great and challenging experience! Every time I have to go to New York because of my job, I try to be part of ASCA New York meetings. I schedule my trips to be in New York on Wednesday evening because of ASCA....It really represents a lot to me! When I moved back to Brazil last January, I became part of ASCA virtual meetings on Saturdays. Another rich experience! I have been Co- Facilitating these virtual meetings when I can. I am so glad & excited to have joined The Morris Center Board of Directors. What has been done with ASCA until now, is really impressive. I think the WORLD must know of ASCA, as soon as possible. Finally, I am starting an ASCA group in Brazil. The kick off took place in São Paulo on September 17th. Amazing 12 people participated. I tried not to publicize a lot. The strategy was to start it small, in order to be solid after a short period of time. It is a great pleasure to share a little bit about myself here. My email is acatn10@gmail.com . Please feel free to reach me for any reason. Know what to do during a Panic Attack Six million adults have panic disorder, but even someone without panic disorder can experience a Panic Attack. Here is an article from MentalHealthFirstAid.org , on how to help someone who is having a Panic Attack. From Healthline.com, you'll find 11 Ways To Stop A Panic Attack Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! | |
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Summer, 2019 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter SUMMER 2019 In This Issue -Survivor Experiences: Wanda's Story -Original Poetry by Echo -Excerpts From Original Poetry by Tim -ASCA Atlanta: An interview with StoryCorps -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook In this Quarterly newsletter issue, we share the story of a survivor, original poetry, and an interview two ASCA co-facilitators gave to another non profit organization. As our Quarterly newsletter will sometimes f eature survivor 's p ersonal stories and f orms of self exp ression, p lease be advised some content could be triggering f or some p eop le. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide. We need your help to reach more adult survivors of child abuse. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of y ou that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Unable to see parts of this Newsletter ? click here for a web based version Wanda's Story Monk Thich Nhat Hanh said, "Peop le have a hard time letting go of their suff ering. Out of a f ear of the unknown, they p ref er suff ering that is f amiliar." My name is Wanda. I didn't realize how much I continued to suffer due to unhealed child abuse. Well into my 40s the bottom fell out of my life so to speak, and also when I sought effective counseling. I now share my experiences in the hope it can help fellow survivors. My older siblings had both run away from home. At the age of 16, I was too emotionally weary to run away again, and I most definitely did not want to recover from another suicide attempt. I sought out my high school principal for help, and she took me to the Child Advocacy Center located at a Women's and Children's hospital. Parental rights were terminated, and I entered foster care. Logically I knew I was in a safe place, however I felt like I was the one being punished. I was in a house full of strangers, wearing someone else's clothing, eating food from a different culture, and abiding by a new set of rules. Two years and four foster homes later, I graduated from high school and aged out of the system. Long after the abuse, well into the life I created for myself as a wife, mom and business owner, I was still empty. I tried to fill it with work, exercise, a spotless house, being 1000% vested as a parent, get rich quick schemes, volunteer hours, alcohol, eating, sleep deprivation, being a know-it-all, you name it. I probably tried to stuff "that" into the void as well. The feelings of insecurity crept right back in as soon as I took a break from being busy. I was suffering, but didn't know I was suffering. I thought I was waiting for an apology, validation, an acknowledgment that what was done to me was wrong, hideous, despicable, criminal, disgusting... It was when I ran out of void stuffers and had to be alone with just me, did I come to the realization that all the things I thought I needed to move on, were: 1. Never coming, and 2. Even if I did receive "all of the above", none of it was going to fill the void. I alone had to accept the past happened and that there was not a thing I could do to change any of it. I had to acknowledge I was expecting someone to give me what they could never give me, and I had to assess where I was, where I wanted to be, and (this alone can fill an entire blog), why I thought I wanted what I wanted. Today when I feel off or irritated, when I think I am suffering in some way and think someone else is making me feel this way, I gently remind myself, this cannot be because I am the only one who can make me feel anything. I identify what I am feeling, (afraid, taken advantage of, not good enough). I then looked squarely in the eye of what it is that is bothering me, and write three things I can do immediately to begin to flip my current mindset about it. Often this writing exercise is enough to end the "suffering" because it reminds me that I am a brave survivor. I am strong and able to stand up for myself. I am worthy of every good thing that comes into my life. Therefore unlike Thich Nhat Hanh's quote, I am choosing the "new familiar", empowerment. Suff ering ? Good riddance! "Looking Back" A Haiku poem by Echo Hate to call him dad Even Thirty years later Seasons come and go Excerpts from the poem "Promises Unkept" by Timothy Conway You. You say you're having your final curtain call And you send out your clarion call to your children "I am ill. I am dying. Rally round boys, in the darkness, rally round." You want what you never gave. As you preened and postured and baked cookies for suspicious neighbors. As you waved your blood-stained Bible over your head in church. Because of you, I sleep behind locked doors, remembering the nights you beat us awake, for real and imagined wrongs. Because of you, the kitchen knives are hidden away in Tupperware, remembering the times you brandished knives at us in rages. Because of you, I have impetigo scars all over my body, because I was not worth a thirty-dollar penicillin shot. Because of you, I had a veterinarian diagnose my appendicitis. Yet nonetheless I have lived and loved and journeyed. I grew and explored and struggled to heal myself, step by unsteady step, until I found my way, and none of those steps by a mother's presence or a mother's love. You were no one's mother. You loved no one, including yourself. I am incapable of reciprocating back to you the one thing that you never gave. You. On February 9, 2019 two ASCA co-facilitators talked with StoryCorps Atlanta about the Atlanta ASCA Support Group. click here to listen to the interview Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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July, 2019 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JULY 2019 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version Can you believe we are already more than halfway through the year 2019? Many of us have experienced that changes can happen in our lives, everyday. How are you coping with those changes? Now is as good a time as any, for us to check in with our coping mechanisms. Click here to check out an article from verywellmind.com on 40 Healthy Coping Skills. The article suggests to ask ourselves "Do I need to change my situation or do I need to find a way to better cope with the situation?". Exploring the two main types of coping skills, you'll also find healthy suggestions for each type of coping skill. The article also explores unhealthy coping skills to avoid, and discusses proactive coping strategies as an effective way to manage the future obstacles we are likely to face. Have you shared your story? Our Quarterly Newsletter is around the corner, and that means we want you to submit your stories/experiences so that we can share it with our +3,500 Newsletter subscribers. Just like in an ASCA Support Group meeting, sharing with other Adult Survivors of Child Abuse can be very helpful for the person sharing, and also the person taking in the information. More than 90% of our newsletter subscribers are Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Many of us have had similar experiences, and may not have ever even met each other. Knowing that someone else had a similar experience, and is also an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse, can be very validating. Someone in Texas may for the first time, read about another survivor in Wisconsin who also was never allowed to leave their house. Someone in Norway may read about someone else in Canada who experiences difficulty taking criticism from their boss, because of the way they were minimized by one or both of their parents when they were a child. Just like in an ASCA Support Group Meeting, only first names are used in our articles. You don't even have to use your real first name! Our Newsletter editor will help you get your article ready, so go ahead and click here to email your rough draft of 650 words or less. We expect to publish by August 20th at the latest. Our Quarterly Newsletter also features the latest news of The Morris Center and our ASCA Support Groups. We will be sharing an interview from storycorps with Fire-Brown of ASCA Atlanta, you won't want to miss it! Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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June, 2019 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JUNE 2019 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue, we feature Photography, Artwork, and Inspiring Quotes. Unable to see parts of this Newsletter? click here for a web based version Today, and every day you have the right to be who you want to be to live the way you want to live and you are awesome regardless. Original Photograp hy "Just in case no one has told you this lately: The mere fact that you keep choosing to show up everyday after everything you have been through only points to your strength " -Morgan Harper Nichols Original Artwork by Amaroq Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT *Original Artwork and Photography by Amaroq and zsolt.ro Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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May, 2019 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. MAY 2019 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. unable to see parts of this newsletter? Click here for a web based version click here for our volunteer form INTERESTED IN FREE TRAINING TO BECOME A CO-FACILITATOR? Get the training you need to start your own ASCA Support Group! Receive future mentoring and guidance from other co-facilitators Give back to the ASCA community by learning how to hold safe meeting spaces PART I and PART II: June 8th & June 15th contact us to sign up today! Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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April, 2019 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. APRIL 2019 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? Click here for a web based version NEW ASCA SUPPORT GROUP! ASCA BALTIMORE VIRTUAL meets every Thursday from 7:00PM-8:30PM Eastern Time, followed by an optional Virtual Cafe. All are welcome regardless of your location. For more information, please email: ASCABaltimoreVirtual@gmail.com Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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March, 2019 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. MARCH 2019 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. unable to see parts of this newsletter? Click here for a web based version JOHN JOINS THE MORRIS CENTER BOARD OF DIRECTORS! The mission of The Morris Center Is to reach out to as many survivors as possible, around the world. We are excited to welcome our new board member who brings experience in helping us accomplish working toward this goal. If you've ever sent an email to info@ascasupport.org over the years, there is a good chance you may have corresponded with John. As Senior Outreach Coordinator, John supervises and mentors the volunteer team that responses to daily e-mail correspondence. He learned about The Morris Center by attending an ASCA meeting in his area. John recounted, "I started going in March of 2003". Just 2 or 3 years after attending his first ASCA meeting in New York City, John was considering answering queries for The Morris Center, and co-facilitating the New York City meeting. The ideas came from a fellow ASCA participant. John is a role model to volunteers for providing accurate, timely and friendly general information about the ASCA program. "He is a very humble leader. He excels at mentoring other facilitators who seek him out. I have learned so much from him" said ASCA virtual co-facilitator Amaroq. John supports all ASCA groups by assisting in updating the website with accurate meeting information. Even more, John coordinates training for co-facilitators and works directly with the Board President to deliver trainings. "John is awesome! His empathy, gentle kindness, patience and support has inspired me. I try to incorporate that into how I co- facilitate ASCA Santa Clarita." Said Karen. It was a unanimous vote of "yes" at the last board meeting, and John has officially joined The Morris Center Board of Directors PLEASE TRY AN ASCA MEETING! The survey we recently took was invaluable in assessing areas that may need improvement so thank you, again, to all who participated. One of the biggest surprises for us was that only 28% of respondents had ever attended an ASCA meeting. Since meetings are the backbone of the ASCA recovery program, this was a disappointing statistic and it made us realize that we need to do more to promote attendance. We realize that one obstacle is that not everyone lives near an ASCA meeting and, indeed, a large number of respondents said they wished there was a meeting closer to them. We also wish there were meetings within easy reach of everyone but, unfortunately, that's dependent upon someone stepping up to organize one. If you have any interest in starting a local meeting, there are numerous resources available to you and we will be happy to support you in any way we can. In the meantime, to address the concern of survivors who don't have a meeting within a reasonable distance, we created virtual meeting that anyone, anywhere can attend. These meetings are conducted using the same principles as other ASCA meetings. You can see, first hand, what meetings are like by visiting the ASCA website (www.ascasupport.org) then clicking on "Meeting Materials" then clicking on "ASCA Meeting Tour" and/or "ASCA Meeting Audio". The most important thing for newcomers to know is that meetings are all about safety. They are conducted by two trained facilitators who follow a set script and the whole meeting is very structured. Although everyone is invited to share, no one is ever pressured to say anything. Many attendees find that, even if they choose not to share, they often hear things from other survivors that they find helpful. We encourage you to give an ASCA meeting a try! If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us at info@ascasupport.org Diane Whitney Board of Directors Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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February, 2019 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. FEBRUARY 2019 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? Click here for a web based version Tarpon Springs, Florida ASCA Group "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Khalil Gibran Original artwork by Amaroq Post-Mortem original poetry from the book Heart's Eye Yesterday the day was dark and horrific. Today there are only dandelions swaying in a breeze of daylight, and I remain small and private in my grief like an acorn knocked about gently in the wind Isabel M. We have some great news to share in our upcoming March issue, which will also mark the start of Spring! What does Spring looks like for you, in your part of the world? Would you like to share some inspirational goals you are working on? Perhaps some cool looking photos, or another creative and positive form of self expression? send in your submissions and be sure to tune in for our March Issue of UPLIFT! Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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November, 2018 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. NOVEMBER 2018 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this Newsletter? Click here for a web based version Many thanks to all ASCA participants who took the survey and a special thank you to those who went the extra mile of adding illuminating comments. We recognize that, for some survivors, it was difficult to delve into these issues and we applaud your courage. The survey would not have happened without the tireless efforts of our volunteer, Karen Mills, who worked for months in drafting the questions, with a big assist from her ASCA Santa Clarita co-facilitator, Jessie. Karen is still in the process of reviewing the answers so there will be more information forthcoming. However, we wanted to give you a quick overview of the results as soon as possible. 501 survivors in the ASCA community responded to the survey. This number included readers of the ASCA newsletter and users of the website plus ASCA meet-up and co- facilitator groups. The survey was also extended to members of The National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse and The E. Diane Champe Institute. They provided us with an additional 120 completed surveys for a total of 621. Surprisingly, only 28% of all respondents had ever attended an ASCA meeting. Our primary goal was to determine whether therapy has been effective for the survivor community and whether there is anything ASCA can do to improve that experience. The results indicate that, for many, therapy was less than ideal. Indeed, a large number (29%) reported seeing 3 or 4 therapists while another 23% saw 5-7. Though the reasons for changing therapists so often varied, the main reasons cited were lack of progress and lack of connection with the therapist, as well as the therapist's lack of training in childhood trauma. Almost 60% agreed that therapy would be more helpful if the therapist was specifically trained in child abuse issues. It was also not surprising that the majority agreed that the most effective therapists were those who were good listeners, empathetic and able to teach coping skills. Simply "being believed" and "therapist is an adult survivor of child abuse" was also high on the list of what survivors wanted from therapy. The graph below indicates what issues motivated survivors to see a therapist. We were disappointed to learn that many of the therapists rated in the survey were apparently unaware of ASCA or, at least, they did not mention the ASCA program. This is significant because the majority of ASCA respondents "agreed" or "strongly agreed" that therapy was more effective when undertaken in conjunction with ASCA. Many ASCA respondents would like us to offer training and/or educational materials to therapists. Others wanted us to help ASCA participants in choosing a qualified therapist (we have written a resource guide to help). A significant number of respondents would like to see more ASCA meeting locations and times, as well as more types of support such as an online chat group and a crisis hotline. These are all great ideas and, as always, the issue is garnering the resources to provide these services since ASCA and The Morris Center are completely volunteer run. As indicated above, there will be follow up articles with more information once the review of all the data is completed. However, it is already clear that we have work to do, especially in encouraging more survivors to attend ASCA meetings and in familiarizing therapists with the ASCA program. We are committed to those goals and we welcome you to join us in that effort! The Morris Center Board Of Directors YOUR HEALTHIEST WINTER YET Here are some tips for a Healthy Winter Layer clothing for warmth and comfort Stay hydrated and moisturize more often Be aware of weather changes for safer travels Attend an ASCA meeting for support from fellow Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Fall, 2018 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter FALL 2018 In This Issue -Original Poetry -Tuesday Night Meeting in Greensboro, NC -ASCA Support Group: Cofacilitator training -Our Recent Survey -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook In this Quarterly newsletter issue, we share about upcoming training, original poetry, and a feature an ASCA Support Group in North Carolina. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide. We need your help to reach more adult survivors of child abuse. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of y ou that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Unable to see parts of this Newsletter? Click here for a web based version Original Poetry: Unleashed Rage unleashed, remains within Jef member of The Chicago ASCA Group Greensboro, North Carolina Tuesday Night ASCA Support Group Meeting Established November 2017 by co-organizers Jo and Dwight, Adult Survivors of Child Abuse in Guilford County now have a place to share and receive support from 7:00- 8:30pm among their peers. Learn more by clicking on the blue link below . A Meetup .com account and profile are required (no cost) (as of today, already 47 members of their meetup page!) Thank-you Jo and Dwight, f or all that you do! Exclusive news for future ASCA Co- facilitators INTERESTED IN FREE TRAINING TO BECOME A CO-FACILITATOR? Get the training you need to start your own ASCA Support Group ! Receive future mentoring and guidance from other co-facilitators Give back to the ASCA community by learning how to hold safe meeting spaces PART I and PART II: November 3rd & November 10th contact us to sign up today ! Greetings fellow Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, We are excited to share that we had a fantastic response to our recent survey. Thank you for making the time to participate! We look forward to telling you more, in an upcoming issue of the ASCA Newsletter. Stay tuned! Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. SEPTEMBER 2018 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? Click here for a web based version YOUR HEALTHIEST AUTUMN YET Here are some tips for a Healthy Fall Enjoy the season's most tasty produce Stay hydrated to help your immune system stay one step ahead Go outside to reduce stress and burn calories by raking leaves, planting/weeding or enjoying a walk Attend an ASCA meeting for support from fellow Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Sumi I was excited to have an opportunity to speak at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Minnetonka on July 15, 2018, about "Bias-based bullying and mental health". It was a wonderful experience. Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! | |
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August, 2018 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. AUGUST 2018 UPLIFT Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? Click here to see a web based version FIRST ASCA MEETING IN PENNSYLVANIA When : 2nd and 4th Thursdays, 7:30-9:00pm Where : Beaver Falls (Chippewa Township) PA 15010 How: Prior to attending, contact Julie telephone (724) 462-8180 or email ascabeaver@gmail.com Photo of Fred Rogers from Children's Museum of Pittsburgh "During my childhood, Mr. Rogers was the only adult who told me he liked me for who I really was, and taught me I was worthwhile j ust the way I am. I have memory of being molested by my dad since at least the age of 4. The moment I am most proud of in my lifetime, happened at 6 years old. I had told my dad that I wished Mr. Rogers was my dad instead." -ASCA Member in California Click here to read an article from Greater Good that shares 7 lessons from Mr. Fred Rogers that help us be neighbors again. Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Summer, 2018 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Summer 2018 In This Issue -Brave Survivor: Jacob's -Story and Song -ASCA Support Group: Cofacilitator training -Upcoming Survey -Make A Difference -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook In this Quarterly newsletter issue, We shine a light on Original artwork by Adult Survivors of Amaroq Child Abuse through their artwork, poetry, and personal stories. We also share about upcoming training, and a survey that we are sure you will not want to miss. As our Quarterly newsletter will sometimes f eature survivor 's p ersonal stories, p lease be advised some content could be triggering f or some p eop le. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide with over 50 support group meetings. We need your help to reach more survivors. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of you that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Māori woman playing guitar by Amaroq "I met and was able to hang out with a group of hilariously funny Māori women elders last year, after they were flown in to do a show at Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, CA. The Māori are the indigenous Polynesian people of New Zealand. They were fighting like crazy for their water rights. A tradition that goes back thousands of years, Māori women wear blue lipstick made from a natural dye. This artwork also shows how the current young indigenous generation of women still take pride in keeping up the tradition of chin tattoos." Brave Survivor: Jacob 's story and song My name is Jacob. I am 52 years old living in Australia, and I have been on a healing j ourney since I was 37. Before then, I had no compassion for abuse survivors. Then my first daughter was born, and a great crack opened up in the armor that I had used to block my feelings. This happened as I looked to this perfect vulnerable baby in the hospital. I could not deal with how much I loved this baby girl. After all, I did not yet love myself: A price I paid for denying the abuse I suffered as a child and keeping my parents in my life. As I sat in the hospital watching my beautiful baby daughter take her first breaths, kissing her cheeks for the very first time, and the sunlight coming through the window, I suddenly realized I would be so upset if anyone ever treated her the way my parents had treated me. After that, I was plunged into the most horrific PTSD. I didn't know it was PTSD. I j ust thought I was going mad. Night mares, day mares, anxiety attacks, dizzy spells. I thought about suicide: If I were gone, what would happen to my daughter? Finally I found my way to an ASCA group and very slowly I started to heal. I learn't how to draw boundaries. From now on I would have no one in my life who tried to minimize or make excuses for the things that my parents and their pedophile friend had done to me. My parents would not apologize. Instead they wanted me to take the blame, so I cut them from my life. It was a very important lesson. Abusive families do not consider the rape of innocent children as a crime. Rather they consider it a crime to talk about it, so talk about it I did, and this is why the ASCA groups are so important. I didn't stop there. I told my story on Facebook and outed my family to the world. They were so angry, but nothing was stopping me now. These days my life is so much better. I no longer let people walk all over me. What a surprise it has been for them! I think that we survivors have a very important message to deliver to the world, not only to abusive families, but to society in general where the powerful prey on the vulnerable and then try to j ustify it in terms of their authority. I have pledged my life to being a good father and spreading this message. I am an optimist. I believe we can change the world. When we remove violence from the lives of children we will raise a generation that will not predate on each other with guns and armies and governments. I believe this. I wrote a song about the court case I went to a few years back, where finally a pedophile got locked up who abused me and my siblings. I must confess: I shamelessly ripped the chords of Jet plane by John Denver. SURVIVORS SONG G C I'm here in Murray Bridge. I'm waiting for the train. G C I kiss my love good bye. She's 8 months on way G C D I hope my bubs don't come while I'm away G C gotta go back to the streets of shame, G C Melbourne town dirty and grey, G C D where I swore I'd never go back again G C Cause they said it didn't matter. We were j ust kids G C We probably deserved it. It was something that we did G C D We was probably lying anyway G C But now there is a rising tide G C Survivors come from far and wide G C D The mans gotta listen to what we have to say G C No longer do we have to hide G C We don't have to believe their lies G C D The mans gotta listen to what we've got to say G C It only took the adults 37 years G C To wash the wax out from between their ears G C D And finally hear what we'd been trying to say G C They didn't have the heart to see our tears G C They didn't have the soul to feel our fears G C D They closed their eyes and they looked the other way G C They said it didn't matter. We were ]j ust kids G C We probably deserved it. It was something we did G C D We was probably lying anyway G C But now their is a rising tide G C Survivors come from far and wide G C D The mans gotta listen to what we've got to say G C We might be old and grey G C But we come for j ustice today G C D The mans gotta listen to what we've got to say Chalk artwork by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse in California Exclusive news for future ASCA Co- facilitators INTERESTED IN FREE TRAINING TO BECOME A CO-FACILITATOR? Get the training you need to start your own ASCA Support Group ! Receive future mentoring and guidance from other co-facilitators Give back to the ASCA community by learning how to hold safe meeting spaces PART I and PART II: July 28th & August 4th contact us to sign up today ! Greetings fellow Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, We are excited to share that the co-facilitators from ASCA Santa Clarita support group, and The Morris Center Board of Directors (creators of the ASCA program) are working on a proj ect to address a need we had noticed among survivors like you and me: Finding qualified therapists. A survey will be coming out in August, empowering you to use your voice to help us gather information about survivor's experiences with therapists. The survey is anonymous and will only take between 4-9 minutes. August is right around the corner ! We look forward to your responses on our upcoming survey. With Great Thanks, Karen and Jessie, ASCA Santa Clarita The Norma J. Morris Center Board of Directors "1 in 6 adults are survivors of child abuse. I'm a survivor of child abuse. Ask me about it." Begin the conversation. Make A Difference Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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June, 2018 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JUNE 2018 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue, we feature Photography, Artwork, and Poetry by Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version *Original Artwork, June 2018 FACILITATING HEALING THROUGH COLLAGE I found a photograph of myself and enlarged it. I kept enlarging it until the child that I was could show me what was going on. I kept enlarging it until she got the attention that she needed. I surrounded her with the assurance that I knew how fragile she was. The photo is circa 1965. As she comes larger and larger into view, the spreading pixelation darkens into a black eye on her left side. A shard-like crater spreads across her forehead. She is smiling at her offender taking the photograph because that is how children cope and survive. The sun's warm rays are behind her and all around her and no matter how large the photograph spreads, the rays only get brighter and brighter. I know how fragile you were Birds and Eggs and Flower Petals and Kittens With Love, Ivy Shawl-Song *Original Photography, June 2018 Looking for some great reading material for you or an adult survivor you know? Now there is a concise way to integrate all of the ASCA program materials into the 21 step format. It's even officially sponsored by The Morris Center! GET IT: On AMAZON | On Smashwords Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT *Original Artwork and Photography by Amaroq and zsolt.ro Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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May, 2018 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. MAY 2018 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here to see a web based version The Morris Center wants to remind you that regardless of your relationship with your family you are awesome just the way you are you have the right to be who you want to be and you have the right to live the way you want to live Happy "YOU" day make sure you check out this exercise/article on writing a self compassionate letter Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Spring, 2018 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Spring 2018 In This Issue -Outreach corner: Volunteer Fair -Thank you VSP and Lorena! -Survivor of Incest: My story -Original Poetry: Words Unspoken -Sumi speaks on prevention -Get involved -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. In this Quarterly newsletter issue, we shine a light on Adult Survivors of Child Abuse through advocacy, poetry and personal stories. Original artwork by Amaroq As our Quarterly newsletter will sometimes feature survivor's personal stories, please be advised some content could be triggering for some people. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide with over 50 support group meetings. We need your help to reach more survivors. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of you that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse VOLUNTEER FAIR 2018 The Morris Center thanks VSP for their support in inviting us to participate in their 2018 employee volunteer fair at their corporate headquarters. We met up to 200 different people, providing education on the many group and individual volunteer opportunities The Morris Center now offers. Jackson volunteered for The Morris Center by helping prepare hundreds of brochures VSP employee Andy volunteered for The Morris Center by helping out with overflow at our informational table Echosaisis volunteered for The Morris Center by helping organize our participation in the volunteer fairs at VSP. We want to give a big thank you to VSP and VSP employee Lorena. At their recent volunteer fair, VSP offered their employees a drawing for a $100 donation to the charity of their choice. When Lorena won the drawing, she chose The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse! Thank you so much ! SURVIVOR OF INCEST: MY STORY by Eve This is why I began my nonprofit: I share my story, for victims and survivors to know they are not alone... #BreakTheSilence When I walked into my new place for the first time and saw the surreal view from the window, it took my breath away. I walked out to the deck and looked out towards the ocean and watched the waves flow back and forth. I was drawn to the ocean, the sound of the waves and the seagulls as they glided by. It brought me back. Back to a place I had spent years trying to forget. As a child I had always lived by the ocean; the sounds and smells of the shore always brought me back to the abuse. I knew my brother loved me, but was this love? It started off with small things like an innocent game of playing house. I was the mom and he was the dad. "This is what Mommy's and Daddy's do," he'd say, demonstrating with my Barbie's how they should kiss and touch. Eventually the toys went away and our game of house turned into him on top of me touching me in the living room, not uttering a word. The silence was deafening. I knew this was wrong, but he was loving me. This was love. Someone loved me. My brother, my babysitter, so handsome so why love me this way .The ladies loved him,but he wanted to love me. I was so confused and yet it never crossed my mind to tell. Did it? Would anyone really believe me and would I get in trouble for this? My brother never threatened me or made me do anything. He would bring me gifts and tell me how much he loved me; his baby sister. This love went on for years. From this I learned that in order to get something you wanted, you needed to have something that someone else wanted. So one day I used what he taught me on him. One morning I went downstairs and saw my brother in the living room, where that awful green velvet couch was, that couch. I told him I wanted a new teddy bear. He told me that he probably couldn't get me one on that particular day. That's when I made my threat. If he didn't get me the bear, I would reveal our secret to the world. He promised me he'd try. The next night after I had fallen asleep I woke up to screams. It was my mother crying and screaming for her son. The neighbor was over, and had seen me come down the steps. She took me to her place and sat me down to tell me that my brother had killed himself . For years I blamed myself, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that this was all out of my control. One day I was watching my daughter who at the time was four years old and it hit me. I was her age when it started and seeing how innocent and vulnerable she was, helped me realize I was not at fault. I couldn't have been, because I was once her. A million mistakes later and years of therapy have helped me heal. I still have eons of healing to do, but I am a great work in progress. I love my new apartment now. I embrace the past and have learned I cannot change it. Whenever I look out into the ocean and can see where the sky and water meet, I know there is something greater out there guiding me. What I experienced with my brother was not love, it was abuse. I know that now and the ocean no longer reminds me of the pain. It brings me hope. I have finally realized that the only way to forget was to remember. WORDS UNSPOKEN TO MY COWORKERS a p oem, written under the p en name 'Tom ' I breathe Behind the safety of my shirt sleeve Clamped teeth Horrified Now disguised As happiness For the unsolicited story you shared Of happy times with your family Of your happy times with your little so-and-so Oh, didn't I know? How cute you believe it would be To involve me An abuse survivor In your happy life Before you : not my reality For all you see Are the expected smiles, abound on my face Saving grace I 'm j ust like y ou I 'm one of y ou Don 't alienate me I want to be in on y our club, too Every time you say mom I remember bruises and blame All the same Every time you say dad.... Immediately I feel sad But never-mind me! This moment is about y ou Externally: So happy for you So glad To be coworkers Yet secretly: So glad To finally work from home soon Sumi speaks on prevention: "I was excited to have an opportunity to speak at the Montana School Counselors Conference in Helena, MT, on April 12. Topic of my presentation was "Prevention of child sexual abuse - the ethical challenges". It was a well- attended conference." Begin the conversation by helping those that need it most. 1 in 6 adults are survivors of child abuse. Get involved Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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March, 2018 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. MARCH 2018 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT Unable to see parts of this Newsletter? Click here for a web based version April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. For the month of April and throughout the year, The Morris Center encourages all individuals and organizations to play a role in making The Morris Center a better place for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. By volunteering, we can help make meaningful connections with our communities. The perfect time to volunteer for The Morris Center! Click here for a printable PDF version of our Volunteer Flyer We are excited to announce that SHARE! invited us back for their Festival of Recovery, April 28th, 2018. We are looking for co-facilitators in Southern California that would be interested in co- facilitating an ASCA meeting. Contact us for more information on co-facilitating for April 28th, 2018. In our previous issue, we mentioned Karen is a co-facilitator from Santa Monica. Karen is actually a co-facilitator from the Santa Clarita ASCA group. Our quarterly Spring Newsletter is just around the corner! Our quarterly Newsletter features shares of your personal stories, articles related to recovery, and the growth and outreach of The Morris Center. We consider all entries that relate to the ASCA program. Send in your submissions Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! Place article copy here. Be sure to make the articles short and concise as people tend not to read much more than a couple of paragraphs. Place article copy here. NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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February, 2018 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. FEBRUARY 2018 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT Unable to see parts of this newsletter? click here for a web based version We were invited by non-profit organization SHARE! to participate for our first time, in their annual recovery day. The white board that says "Welcome!!" is a schedule listing as many as 30 different support groups. The support groups were invited by SHARE! to hold meetings at SHARE!'s center for their annual recovery day. On the left is Pam, our multi talented, gracious main contact and Peer Specialist at SHARE! On the right is Echosaisis, our Director of Outreach. We created a special flyer for the event so that more people can learn about ASCA and hopefully start a new ongoing ASCA meeting. SHARE! allowed us to leave our flyers on a resource table, along with other support groups. While other support groups held and finished their meetings, we were at an informational table handing out flyers and talking with folks about our effective ASCA program . We held our ASCA meeting in one of the many meeting rooms provided by SHARE! for support groups like ours. Teamwork: The hands of Co-facilitators Karen from Santa Monica ASCA and Echosaisis from Sacramento facilitated an ASCA meeting for recovery day. At least 7 people attended that had never experienced an ASCA meeting before. The effectiveness of our co-facilitator training allowed for Karen and Echosaisis to run a safe and effective ASCA meeting together, even though this was the first time they had met in person! How cool is that? SHARE! is based in the Los Angeles area. This is a banner of their inspiring mission statement that hangs over their stairway. We are excited to announce that SHARE! invited us back for their Festival of Recovery, April 28th, 2018. We are looking for co-facilitators in Southern California that would be interested in co-facilitating an ASCA meeting. Contact us for more information on co-facilitating for April 28th, 2018. We continue to look for your personal stories, photography, artwork and positive forms of self expression. We consider all entries that relate to the ASCA program. Send in your submissions Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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January, 2018 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JANUARY 2018 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT Unable to see parts of this Newsletter? click here for a web based version Original Poetry A winter 's prayer for survivors of child abuse Deep into winter when Life feels so slow May there be warmth and somewhere to go May I be grateful, for Courage and Grace And know to let go and when to embrace And if, in those moments of grief and despair May kindness still find me no matter where May Faith in myself hold my hands going forth And assure me tonight of all that I'm worth Assure me tonight if it's I, I forsake The Light is still coming there's Hope when I wake Author: Ivy Shawl-Song [©2017, Shawl-Song] We are excited to announce that The Morris Center was invited to participate in SHARE! Recovery Day, 2018. SHARE! is a Southern California based not- for-profit organization that provides friendly, accessible and supportive meeting space to more than 140 weekly recovery meetings! We are excited to participate and facilitate a first ever ASCA meeting in Culver City, CA! The Morris Center will also be providing pamphlets, encouragement, and support for all survivors who are interested in starting their own meeting! Come down and experience the benefits of sharing in a safe and supportive meeting. Free lunch is provided by our gracious host! Our 1 hour Open Share ASCA Support Group meeting will start at 3pm in the Main Office. An inspiring speaker shares inspiring feedback I continue speaking around the country about prevention of bullying and child abuse primarily because through my association with ASCA, I have come to realize that a personal story from an adult survivor of child abuse can be very inspiring to children who are currently being abused. What also inspire me greatly are the comments I continue to receive from children around the country who attend my presentations. Here are a few examples: "I j ust wanted to say that your story was incredibly inspiring. I think a lot of kids in our school needed to hear everything you said." "I was bullied a lot when I was younger. I want to thank you for giving me inspiration, and putting something that was tragic, to good use." "I j ust wanted to say that your speech was extremely inspiring. I have had sort of a traumatizing life, so this made a HUGE impact on me." "I was the one that talked to you about the kids calling me n word and a teacher is doing nothing about it. Thank you for your advice and help." "I j ust wanted to say thank you. Also I passed what you said to me to one of my friends it helped her she quit self- harm! It made me happy and I hope I can do what you do later in my life I 'm thinking about going to school to be a therapist." Sumi Mukherjee, Author and Speaker Exclusive news for present and future ASCA Co-facilitators INTERESTED IN FREE TRAINING TO BECOME A CO- FACILITATOR? Start your own ASCA Support Group! Receive mentoring and guidance from other co- facilitators Give back to the ASCA community by learning how to hold safe meeting spaces February 10 & February 17 contact us to sign up today! ALREADY ONE OF OUR AWESOME ASCA CO- FACILITATORS? You're invited to our first ASCA Co-facilitator conference of 2018 Join the conference from anywhere in the world Chance to meet members of the board February 18 contact us to sign up today! We continue to look for your personal stories, photography, artwork and positive forms of self expression. We consider all entries that relate to the ASCA program. Send in your submissions Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Winter, 2017 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Winter 2017 In This Issue -Atlanta ASCA: Happy Anniversary! -New ASCA groups around the world -ASCA meetings: helpful and safe -Sumi: Lost years -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook In this issue, we celebrate a longtime ASCA group and exciting growth through new ASCA meetings forming around the world. We also share education on the why and how our safe support groups follow the ASCA format and meeting guidelines. Finally, we learn more about Sumi being a survivor and healing towards becoming a thriver. As our Quarterly newsletter will sometimes feature survivor's personal stories, please be advised some content could be triggering for some people. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide with over 50 support group meetings. We need your help to reach more survivors. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of you that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse unable to see p arts of the Newsletter? Click here to view a web based version Atlanta, GA Congrats to ASCA Atlanta: 6 years this February 2017 "I remember being agoraphobic, depressed and drunk 7 years ago. I found ASCA online and months later got a therapist, blogged on "iSurvive", and became a Court Appointed Special Advocate for abused & neglected children. Who would've thought I would start an ASCA support group in Georgia. Well it's 6 years later: going strong." - Fire-Brown ASCA Atlanta founder and co-facilitator ASCA-Atlanta ASCA supp ort group s grow around the world Newfoundland-St. John's, Canada In 2011 I finally found the courage to talk about my abuse. Around the same time I began looking for support groups for survivors and was disappointed to find nothing in my area or even in my province. In researching on-line I came across ASCA and The Morris Center. I was excited to learn about the program and it's support network, I was especially pleased to realize I could take the training (from my home) and start a peer support group in our area within a few short months. Only one person showed up for our first meeting. I have facilitated ASCA meetings in my city for 5 years and in that time, interest and participation has greatly increased. I have had survivors tell me that the meeting were "lifesaving" and I have seen first hand the transformation that has occurred for regularly participating survivors. I strongly believe in ASCA and greatly appreciate the level of support that it brings to participants. In fact, I believe so much in ASCA that I have been promoting the program and hoping to have at least 2 more (ASCA) support groups set up in our province this year. -Bev, co-f acilitator and f ounder St Luke's Hospital, San Francisco, California Beginning March 30, 2017, ASCA meetings will be held at St Luke on Thursdays from 7:30pm-9:00pm. This new San Francisco ASCA meeting will feature easy access from BART and MUNI transportation. Diamond Bar, California An ASCA support group recently formed with the support and assistance of the treasury from the Long Beach ASCA group. The Diamond Bar ASCA group meets on Saturday mornings, from 9:00am-10:30am. Targu Mures, Romania Support groups being practically non existent in Romania, a newly formed support group for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse is taking steps to fully incorporate the ASCA format with each new meeting. This ASCA group is working towards translating the manual into Hungarian. Zimbabwe Having recently received co-facilitator training from The Morris Center, a women's support group in Zimbabwe for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse is taking steps to fully incorporate the ASCA format with each new meeting. ASCA Morristown, NJ ASCA Support Group: purpose, format and guidelines We can sum up the 'why' of our guidelines by understanding our purpose for meeting together. We gather in a safe, caring and supportive enviroment to: Be with others who understand and share the same challenges Work towards acceptance and healing share approaches to recovery from our past and creative problem solving in our present lives Learn more about stopping the cycle of child abuse by healing ourselves and preventing continuation with our own children and children's children Promote research, treatment and advocacy Remember that laughter, taking care of ourselves and planning for the future are essential for our well-bring help others who are going where we have been. All meeting participants bear responsibility to keep ASCA meetings helpful and safe. Some ways we practice being helpful and safe are by beginning and ending on time, showing respect for each other and the group, speaking about our own feelings/experience while using "I" statements and asking for clarification from co- facilitators when in doubt. We refrain from using 'should' statements, language that is derogatory towards any minority statuses, psychoanalyzing/taking another person's inventory, criticizing/belittling/attacking/teasing anyone in the group, interrupting and cross talk. The Morris Center has established guidelines on avoiding cross talk. While a survivor may want to share about something that someone else in the group has brought up, directly addressing that person by saying something like "What you said about..." or "What Joe said" is cross-talk. While it may seem natural to refer to the other person, our guidelines are to refrain from doing so. Directly addressing another meeting member can provoke anxiety or be unwelcome. By participating in ASCA meetings, all participants agree to abide by the philosophy and spirit of ASCA , the welcome to ASCA handout (provided to new participants) and any interventions made by the co-facilitators. To help enforce safety, co-facilitators are available to discuss interventions after the meeting has concluded. Lost years by Sumi This article talks about the impact of years lost because of my mental illness, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which was triggered by childhood bullying. From kindergarten onward, I quickly became aware of the fact that I was viewed as being different from nearly all of my peers due to my race and ethnicity. As I got older, I was bullied on a regular basis for being brown skinned and for having such a markedly unusual name. Over time, many years of bullying led to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and set the stage for the development of severe OCD at the tender age of sixteen. Ages sixteen to twenty-one were by far the worst years of my life, as I struggled silently with my OCD symptoms, afraid that I was losing my mind. At twenty-one, I finally broke my long-held silence and began receiving OCD treatment, a process that would take many more years from my life. Throughout this process, I was inspired to write one of my books titled, "A Lif e Interrup ted: The Story Of My Battle With Bully ing And Obsessive- Comp ulsive Disorder. " Struggling to cope with the lost years became a maj or issue for me. The toughest part was realizing how much I still hadn't done in comparison to many other people my age. Though my life had been interrupted now for almost the past twenty years, there's a world out there full of people who have made progress in their own lives while I was struggling to deal with bullying and OCD. The educations, careers and relationships of others were never frozen in time or put on hold as they had long been for me. While I slowly began to make changes in all of these various areas, my j ourney back to the present time hasn't been quick or easy. On the contrary, the loss of teenage years and early adulthood years took quite a toll on my life. Even improvements in life also helped me to see how much time I have had to let slip away. As a result, I was left with a strong sense of urgency that accompanied all that I did. While this urgency impacted a wide range of life experiences, it had been dominantly centered on the concept of having fun. Feeling like I've missed the more enj oyable aspects of youth, I went out of my way to try to somehow re-capture my teenage years! This strange endeavor led me to a lifestyle of partying, alcohol use and excessive risk taking. Soon behaviors I once envied and despised in others became quite appealing to me. After years of being a slave to the rigid rules of a brutal disease, it felt great to be irresponsible and not have a care in the world! Although it seemed like I was having a good time on the surface, my life overall remained empty and unfulfilling. In addition to being bullied and then developing OCD, misfortunate also came in dealing with the opposite sex. Only now beginning to date, I experienced a whole lot of heartache and very bad luck with girls. These setbacks affected me deeply and left me extremely depressed over time. Setbacks created an overwhelming, long term sense of hopelessness and pessimism. With the pressure of the lost years weighing on my shoulders, I found myself growing more afraid that time was running out. I'm delighted and grateful to say that I feel worlds apart from those most awful years when my illness consumed my existence. I discovered The Morris Center offers the ASCA program: an international self-help support group program designed specifically for adult survivors of neglect, physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse. Today, I am aware that my future still offers promise and potential. Although I struggle immensely with the impact from the lost year, I am also aware that my future still offers promise and potential. The decision to let go of my past is one I am quite capable of making. I'm well enough to often catch myself whining and complaining over that which, when I stop and really think about it, is also quite trivial in retrospect ! At such moments and also on a regular basis, I feel I have forgotten what it was like to have my life controlled by my illness. This is perhaps the most accurate way for me to measure the progress that I have made. Off and on I still have strong obsessive fears. I believe my painfully developed ability to reprogram my thinking, contributed to the overall lack in severity/frequency of my symptoms. This allows me to feel in control of my life and be able to enj oy things in life to the fullest. I published my book "A life interrupted" in June of 2011, detailing all of these experiences. Yes it's true I've lost many years - but I know that there are many more good years to live. Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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November, 2017 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. NOVEMBER 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT Unable to see parts of this newsletter? Click here for a web based version Photography by ASCA member Kim Northern California, Thanksgiving Day The Morris Center would like to remind you that you deserve a safe and supportive Holiday season. 1. You HAVE THE RIGHT to be who you want to be, and live the way you want to live 2. Our ASCA Support Groups provide safe and reliable support for all recovery stages 3. Our Volunteer Program is a great way to give back to the ASCA community . "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them" -Maya Angelou visit our website to find out what ASCA can do for you, and what you can do for ASCA. We continue to look for your personal stories, photography, artwork and positive forms of self expression. We consider all entries that relate to the ASCA program. Send in your submissions Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Fall, 2017 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Fall 2017 In This Issue -UPLIFT newsletter name search -Tree Branches: Creative artwork -Scott: Volunteer Director -Facing The Storm: Creative artwork -Debbie: If Roses Were Blue -ASCA Meetings: Let's talk about cross talk -Volunteer, comment, find us on Faceboo In this issue, we share an update on our name search for the UPLIFT newsletter , and introduce you to our new Volunteer Director. We also share some creative forms of self expression from some Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Finally, we learn more about the benefits of our ASCA meeting guidelines. As our Quarterly newsletter will sometimes feature survivor's personal stories, please be advised some content could be triggering for some people. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide with over 50 support group meetings. We need your help to reach more survivors. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of you that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse Unable to see p arts of this newsletter? Click here f or a web based version We want to give a big thank you to all who submitted name suggestions for our monthly newsletter UPLIFT. The good news is that the group who owns the website "upliftconnect" has graciously agreed to allow us to continue using the name UPLIFT for our monthly newsletters. So... for now, we will stick with our original name. Again, a big thank you to those who submitted suggestions! There are many tree branches That do not become known Until you reach out for them Artwork by Amaroq Words by Echosaisis MEET SCOTT: OUR NEW VOLUNTEER DIRECTOR For a long time, years and years, my primary mechanism for recovery from childhood trauma was individual therapy. When the therapists were competent, it helped, but I always felt something was missing. I once told a therapist that I wanted to try group therapy so I could be with others like me. But he discouraged the idea. Decades passed, and then came the Internet. A web search introduced me to the ASCA program. The ASCA program looked very promising, but there were no groups in my city. I started one. The act of starting a support group was healing. Sure enough, sitting with others who have been through what I had been through, was very healing. No longer was I passive. I became the leader of my own healing. I was even helping others to heal. As much as anything, since childhood trauma can cause a feeling of helplessness and powerlessness, this community engagement was good for me. Now, I'm helping others volunteer to help childhood trauma survivors. The ASCA program at the Morris Center is looking for volunteers, for an assortment of activities including the following: Start a support group Fund-raise by hosting a bake sale, wine and cheese tasting, car wash. Grant writing Pass out flyers introducing ASCA or a local support group For therapists and organizations - start a provider led group Translate the survivor to thriver manual from English into another language Spread awareness by creating art and displaying in a library, school, or community center Help manage the ASCA discussion board Maybe you have some other ideas, ways of helping ourselves as a community of survivors. Please write to Scott at tmsascavolunteer@gmail.com Facing The Storm by I Marcheselli This drawing is part of a series of over twenty survivor sketches done in color pencil around 1997 I Marcheselli Debbie: If Roses Were Blue I found ASCA long after beginning my recovery work. What I liked about ASCA was its appeal to adult survivors of child abuse. At the time, there were many organizations helping children but few with a priority of helping adult survivors. When I found ASCA , I was thrilled to find the Survivor to Thriver Manual available for download. I was immediately impressed with ASCA's acknowledgment and explanation regarding other step programs that are not particularly suited to a survivor's healing j ourney. As a survivor, I also found this to be true. ASCA's step model and so many of its components were all helpful elements in my own healing, so I knew its value. Plus, ASCA provides links to other resources, such as articles and organizations, recognizing that there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach. Survivors need a variety of resources to help them find what's best for them and their j ourney. The same is true for including ASCA in the small resource section of If Roses Were Blue. I know that a children's book of this nature can appeal to the child within of adult survivors. I know that memories, fears, and behaviors-unresolved-can remain trapped in the body/mind at the time they were created. Adult survivors need to know not only that they are lovable and worthwhile now, but that they were also lovable and worthy then. ASCA Meetings: Let's talk about cross talk First, sharing is a two-way street. We share and disclose for the purpose of liberating ourselves from our secrets, our shame, our humiliation, our painful story of childhood abuse, the negative effects on our lives. We also share to relate our successes, our strategies, our growth and unfolding as human beings who have been impacted by childhood abuse. Yet we share in the context of a community of ASCA members, people who have been through similar experiences. Thus our shares are meant not only as a catharsis and an opportunity to gain insight and support for ourselves, but also to connect with others through our sharing. We all know how various shares impact us - how we nod in empathy, how we squirm with discomfort, how our agitation oozes out, how our sadness releases tears, as we listen to others share. The topic of cross-talk often comes up, especially for new comers to ASCA meetings. During the shares no cross-talk is permitted. According to the instructions read by the co-facilitator during every meeting prior to the tag shares, cross-talk is defined as "referring to another person in anyway or commenting on another person's share." What does this mean from a practical perspective and what is the reasoning underpinning this guideline? First, the no cross-talk guideline exists to increase the level of safety for participants. Participants need to be able to share without the concern or fear that someone will, in any way whatsoever - criticize, demean, challenge, contradict, minimize, censure, question, etc., what they are feeling, thinking and sharing. When someone is sharing, the role of others in the ASCA support group is to listen and take-in, to internally resonate and empathize. The group becomes a respectful, receptive vessel receiving whatever a member is sharing. There is no judgement, no evaluation, no opinion, no advice. Second, responding to the speaker happens only during the formal feedback period for the meeting. Participants can also "respond directly to a speaker" in a respectful manner following the closure of the meeting. Referring to the group (for example, by using the word "you all" or "you guys") or an individual in the group during our feedback and shares is also considered crosstalk. By following the guidelines on feedback and comments during the shares of the meeting, we help foster a more trusting environment. Third, the purpose of sharing is to focus on ourselves and what we are feeling and working on. When we begin a share by referring to or referencing someone else in the group, we are refocusing on that person rather than focusing on one's self. If permitted to persist, this could have a negative influence on the ASCA meeting dynamic. Fourth, perhaps the biggest slip for new comers concerning the no cross-talk guideline is the spontaneous acknowledging of a previous speaker and how the speaker has stirred them. From one perspective, this seemingly innocent gesture of acknowledgement seems harmless. What is important for ASCA meetings is consistency . The ASCA guidelines around no cross-talk are not meant to be impolite or unnatural. Rather the guidelines are for consistency and safety. Finally, these are not perfect guidelines, and people may have varying ideas about the "no cross-talk" guideline. But for consistency, continuity, safety, and the common good, by participating in an ASCA meeting we all agree to honor and abide by the stated guidelines and procedures of ASCA, and any interventions made by the co-facilitators. Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. SEPTEMBER 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT Unable to see parts of the Newsletter? Click here to view a web based version {Picture: Contest!} An exciting chance to win cool, exclusive artwork and help us find the new name for our current "UPLIFT" Newsletter! We are looking for a newsletter name as unique as our current monthly "UPLIFT" newsletter: featuring success stories and positive, uplifting information for an audience that is over 94% Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. 1. Must represent the theme description above 2. Must be no more than 2 words The winner will get exclusive artwork from San Francisco artist: Amaroq Contest begins now and goes until the end of the year What would you name our newsletter? CLICK HERE TO ENTER THE CONTEST We received lots of great feedback through our Newsletter survey. Thank you! We will continue to respond to the feedback through future newsletter issues. We learned many people subscribed to our newsletter, to connect with other Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. No matter where you are in the world, we want to make sure that you know: There is an ASCA discussion forum on the ASCA website and There is a Saturday virtual ASCA meeting you can attend from anywhere in the world (include "Saturday Virtual Meeting " in the subj ect of your email) We continue to look for your personal stories, photography, artwork and positive forms of self expression. We consider all entries and our Quarterly Newsletter is just around the corner! Send in your submissions Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! | |
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August, 2017 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. AUGUST 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT Part of the human experience is diversity of surroundings. We wanted to show you what the surroundings are like, for different Adult Survivors of Child Abuse around the world. In this issue, get in on the Zimbabwe experience, as members of a women's support group, share about their surroundings through pictures and in their own words. We hope that you'll be uplifted. Unable to view parts of this newsletter? Click here to view a web based version ZIMBABWE I love the group! I am so lucky to have found such a lovely bunch of ladies with different stories, bound together by our crazy emotions, and our need to finally be heard without judgement or pity. We are all aiming to make peace with our pasts, to stop the cycle, and to control our negative emotions. We want to be the best we can be, so that our precious partners and children do not have to suffer the way we have. What a brave bunch of ladies to face such horrors and fears, and actually do something about it! "This is a typical view from my home. I love the space and sunshine, feeling grateful to still have this little piece of paradise. In a place where there are so few people and buildings, it's very special to be able to get away. I can truly relax and evaluate life." "Matopos National Park, not far from where I grew up. I loved the escape of climbing UP!" "I love the smell and coolness of the forest. Our group often goes walking in forests like this, as well as the lovely pine forests with wonderful nature smells and quiet underfoot." "We enjoy the wildness of the flowing river, wondering where it ends up, listening to the rushing sounds. We usually have a picnic here, sometimes swimming in the extremely cold pools, and have hot tea." "Hwange National Park, near where I was born. The park is also home to Lions, Giraffe, Buffalo, loads of types of Antelopes and so much more. When I am surrounded by animals, I am always reminded of the bigger picture and to be present." Interested in featuring your photos or ASCA group? Be sure to let us know! Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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July, 2017 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JULY 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we share original poetry, artwork, and photography by Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Finally, we share information on an exhibition featuring portraits and stories of Male Survivors of Child Abuse. We hope that you'll be uplifted. Unable to view parts of this newsletter? Click here to view a web based version Original artwork by Amaroq Where nightmares no longer roam (original poetry by "E") Teach me smiles and candy-canes where nightmares no longer roam bring me hopes for longtime fears born from a place I once called home Lead me to possibilities where my fate belongs to me free from pain and self destructive thoughts where love is all I see a life that is graced with a sense of hope for what my future can be "Where nightmares no longer roam" is dedicated to All Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Screenshot from video An exhibition featuring portraits and stories about Male Adult Surivors of sexual abuse, will be on display June 13th at the Sage Inn on Commercial St, in Provincetown, MA. David Lisak, a Clinical Psychologist and survivor of abuse, started the exhibition in 2012. Learn more about the exhibition, by clicking here. Pacific Ocean, San Francisco, CA Original photography by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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June, 2017 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JUNE 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue, we feature an empowering TEDx Talks by an inspiring Adult Survivor of Child Abuse, and share an article by the Greater Good Science Center, exploring trauma in Adults. The Morris Center wants to remind you that you are awesome just the way you are. Unable to view parts of this Newsletter? Click here for a web based version Minh Dang, UC Berkeley, April 2017. Original photography by ASCA participant Emma Rae Lierley "ASCA was a key part of my journey to freedom." -Minh Dang After three years of attending ASCA support groups in Berkeley and San Francisco, CA, Minh bravely identified as a survivor of slavery and incest publicly in 2008, when MSNBC featured her story in a TV documentary. Minh is one of fifteen AAPI women named a Champion of Change by President Barack Obama. More recently in April of 2017, Minh delivered the inspiring and thought provoking presentation:"Who's shame is it anyway?" to a diverse mix of over 1500 attendees that included students, professors and thought leaders. Minh Dang currently serves on the US Advisory Council on Human Trafficking and is Co-Principal Investigator for a community based-research study funded by the National Institute of Justice. Minh has also previously served on The Morris Center Board of Directors. Minh received her M.S.W. from the University of California, Berkeley. Minh has won awards from the ACLU, the city of Berkeley, Cal Alumni Association, and more. Minh educates, advocates, is a love-warrior, artist, and writer. View Minh Dang's Who's Shame Is It Anyway?" TedxBerkeley 2017 video, here INFORMATIONAL RESOURCE Would it surprise you to know that Sixty percent of adults report difficult childhood experiences? An article published by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley explores: "Why Are So Many Adults Today Haunted by Trauma?" View the article in Greater Good Magazine here Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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May, 2017 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. MAY 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we share some original poetry and artwork by Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, along with some words of encouragement. We hope that you'll be uplifted. Unable to see parts of this Newsletter? Click here to view a web based version The Morris Center wants to remind you: You have a right to be who you want to be You are amazing You deserve self care and your own loving kindness You are worthy {Picture: Life: You got this.} ASCA participants meeting from UK, San Francisco and Sacramento. original artwork by Renu K. Aldrich The time has come for the pregnant hibernation To cease its growth in that realm And to birth into oneness Renu K. Aldrich Original Artwork by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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April, 2017 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. APRIL 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we are treated to everything from original writing/artwork, learning about a new ASCA meeting, how we raised awareness for Child Abuse Prevention Month and even Informational Resource on some upcoming ASCA related training you may be interested in. As this Newsletter issue's theme is Child Abuse A wareness Month, please be advised some content could be triggering for some people. Having trouble viewing this Newsletter? Click here to see a web based version Echosaisis, Director Of Outreach (left) and Kim, Email Correspondence Team (right) April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. The Morris Center thanks VSP for their support in inviting us to participate in their 2017 employee volunteer fair at their corporate headquarters. We met up to 200 different people, providing education on the many group and individual volunteer opportunities The Morris Center now offers. VSP asked if we would like to participate in next year's volunteer fair and the answer we gave is a definite YES! The Morris Center provided education and resources on both the volunteer and the ASCA support group program. Because of the volunteers who made this day possible, we met employees who had never heard of us before. Some of those employees disclosed they themselves are Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse. Everyone benefits from the ASCA program. We showed examples of the recovery and thriving that comes out of being a participant in the 21 step ASCA program. We featured: a unique coloring therapy book for adults, created by ASCA participant Nix, from Zimbabwe and original art pieces from ASCA participant Amaroq, from San Francisco. We learned today was also "take your child to work day". Children enjoyed stickers and candy while we talked with and handed out reading materials to the adults. The day was a win-win for everyone. We provided stickers to raise awareness for Child Abuse prevention Month. Exclusively from this volunteer fair, Congratulations to: Ronnie, Kayla, Lisa, Tito, Chris and Kelly for winning some original artwork! original photography by TheArtfulScientist Adult Survivor of Child Abuse TheArtfulScientist was featured by Sanrio for April's 2017 World Art Day. Original artwork by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse An Adult Survivor of Child Abuse shares a Mary Oliver poem that gives inspiration Mary Oliver - The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice - - - though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. 'Mend my life!' each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations - - - though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice, which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do - - - determined to save the only life you could save. NEW ASCA MEETING "The Indianapolis meeting started in the fall of 2016. It is a small group but growing. Being new to each other, we are slowly building trust through sharing - and building confidence too. Meetings encourage processing the past and discovering where you are in the j ourney." - Jillian ASCA Indianapolis, IN Original artwork by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse WE TALK OF IT creative non-fiction submission to UPLIFT in Honor of Child Abuse Awareness Dear Chris, I am hoping that this letter may help us move forward as brother and sister by breaking the silence of where we come from . Silence serves to empower the offenders and shame the victims. The more I talk, the healthier and more vibrant I feel, and the more fear and grief I leave behind. While you were never beaten, burned, shamed or sexually exploited, you did watch from the doorway when I was a little girl. You had to tolerate your little sister being abused. You learned to blame her, and stand by our abusive parents. One day, if you can talk with me of this abuse, we can move on to a hopeful future. With Love, Your Sister Chris phones early Following the mail On the ninth day of the ninth month Chris here, he says when I answer Catches his breath, What do we do now I let tiny drops of grief dissipate He waits We talk of it, I say Your letter is upsetting, He manages I catch a glimpse of the child that I was Embrace her Let courage pass between us I agree with everything in it, He breaks the silence, Don't get me wrong He wants to come for dinner Walk our dogs You are the only family I have, He says As if there is a chance that we might know what that means He looks weary when I see him Awash in grief Robbed no less of a childhood Ivy Shawl-Song ©2017 INFORMATIONAL RESOURCE Sign Up for the May 13th Co-facilitator Training As an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse, you're invited to experience our Virtual ASCA meeting and receive training to become a Virtual ASCA meeting co-facilitator. There is no obligation to become a co- facilitator and best of all, the training is free! Experience a real, ASCA Support Group meeting from the comfort of your own computer, phone or mobile device Learn about The Morris Center's relationship to the ASCA program Have your questions answered about how the meetings are run Take your first step in developing leadership skills that will help you become a co-facilitator Our virtual ASCA support group happens every Saturday, from 11:30am-1:00pm, Pacific time. On May 13th, we will take a short break after the support group before beginning the training. The training will last about an hour and a half. May 13th will be the first part in a two part series of virtual co-facilitator trainings. Those interested in the training are strongly encouraged to participate in the earlier virtual ASCA support group. Those already trained as co-facilitators are welcome to attend. To attend the Virtual ASCA support group and sign up for the training, send an email to : info@ascasupport.org Don't delay, sign up, today! UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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March, 2017 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. MARCH 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we are treated to original artwork by an adult survivor of child abuse, we'll learn more about our newest ASCA meeting and we take a moment to talk about our upcoming issue for Child Abuse Awareness Month. We hope that you'll be uplifted. Having trouble viewing parts of this Newsletter? click here to see a web based version "Plum Blossoms" Original artwork by Karen "The five petals of the plum blossom flower symbolizes 5 blessings: longevity, prosperity, health, virtue and good living" "In the midst of winter, before snow melts and the swallow returns, plum trees blossom onto the barren landscape, bracing the harshness of winter and reminding people spring will come. The fragrance of plum blossoms "comes from the bitterness and coldness". Celebrated is the vitality of life, endurance through hardship and hope that life will regenerate." "Carmel Highlands" Original artwork by Karen "Transitions" Original artwork by Karen When I first painted "Transitions", I felt I was on the rickety bridge about to fall into the rapids. I felt like I had no clue where the heck I was going. Something just kept me going forwards and upwards. Over time, especially after discovering ASCA, I find that I could relate to being on the stairs at the side of the mountain, no idea what's on top, enjoying the view and scared of the height. Now, I understand what that beautiful place feels like. Sometimes I even sit in the gazebo. original photography by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse APRIL IS CHILD ABUSE AWARENESS MONTH ! We want to feature your submissions for Child Abuse Awareness Month! Positive, uplifting poetry Original photography featuring a blue ribbon (see photo above) Your personal photos/stories of serving the community (250 words or less) ASCA SUPPORT GROUPS Our February issue mentioned 5 new ASCA groups. Our website briefly experienced some technical challenges around that time. We want you to know the information is back up and available. More information on those 5 new ASCA groups can be seen by clicking here. ASCA's newest support group: St. Luke's Hospital, San Francisco, CA 3555 Valencia St. Beginning March 30, 2017 ASCA meetings will be held at the corner of Ceasar Chavez Blvd and Valencia st, in St. Luke's Hospital, Thursdays from 7:30pm-9:00pm. This new San Francisco ASCA meeting will feature easy access from BART and MUNI transportation. Meetings are in the "ACR"-Administrative Conference Room 120 From the front entrance, pass the lobby and elevators. The room is on the right as you go up the ramp. Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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January, 2017 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JANUARY 2017 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we see an exclusive inside glimpse into an art reception that featured an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse, we'll learn more about our next issue and we take a moment to remind you that you are awesome. We hope that you'll be uplifted. unable to see parts of the Newsletter? Click here to view a web based version Empowerment and Creativity Amaroq with her artwork An art reception featured artists that included the creativity of Adult Survivor of Child Abuse and San Francisco artist, Amaroq. The place was packed and she made her first sale within the first couple of hours! Enjoy the photos and their captions. The Art Gallery featuring Amaroq's artwork, literally overflowing with people. Tons of people in the art gallery Amaroq makes her first sale at the art reception People admiring the creative skill and imagination of Amaroq "Painting, screenplays, novel and graphic novels are all in my safe place. It is another world with characters that I create." -Amaroq original artwork by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse FEBRUARY IS OUR WINTER ISSUE! We are asking you to submit your personal stories and potential articles you feel are relevant to being in the next Quarterly Newsletter. Whether you are looking for a topic to write about or have been active in the field of writing, we can help guide you but we would like your submissions ASAP! We look forward to working with you and for you. original artwork by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse YOU ARE AMAZING YOU DESERVE continued growth and a healthy well- being YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to feel a sense of accomplishment YOU ARE ENTITLED to take the initiative to share in life's riches Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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November, 2016 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. NOVEMBER 2016 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we feature original photography, uplifting words of encouragement and a glimpse into how one survivor celebrated a recent American Holiday. We hope you'll be uplifted. Thanksgiving Morning, 2016 Original photography by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse Politics, seasons and even my body weight: Everything changes When situations in life are undesirable, make a list of desirable possible situations. As an abused kid, my list said that I wanted my own phone line and place to live. As an adult, I've made various other similar lists, also keeping them somewhere visible I would see everyday. I felt inspired and empowered to see my dreams on paper. You're still alive to make a real reality out of your dreams. No one else creates your list, so make one for you. Your dreams are more likely to become reality if you are clear on them. Thanksgiving Morning, 2016 original photography by an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse CELEBRATING HOLIDAYS: How one ASCA participant gives back Evening Bicycle Ride in San Francisco, CA For the Thanksgiving holiday, I drove +160 miles to volunteer for Project Open Hand. I helped prepare and serve meals with love, to San Francisco's critically ill and elderly. I met some awesome people and made great memories that will help shape my lifetime. Please enjoy the photos from my experience. The dining hall as empty tables slowly filled up The dining hall filled with those I would meet. I helped serve Wild Rice, Turkey, Carrots, Coleslaw and even Pumpkin Pie. Nutritious and delicious. These handmade cards were created by other Volunteers and placed at the center of every table. "Like many adult survivors of child abuse, I am often alone during the Holidays. I decided I can make a difference regardless of my past. Even for one day, I brightened the hearts of others. This brightened my heart in return." DO GOOD THINGS BE GOOD TO YOURSELF and others REWARD YOURSELF for your hopes and accomplishments YOU ARE AMAZING exactly as you are, at this very moment CELEBRATE you have the right to be who you want to be Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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October, 2016 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. OCTOBER 2016 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we feature original artwork and Informational Resource on some upcoming training you may be interested in. We hope you'll be uplifted. "397 and Rising" Original Artwork Pool Mural, by Dr. Patrick Gannon Dr. Patrick Gannon with his Pool Mural, "397 and Rising". The title "397 and Rising", references the amount of carbon in our atmosphere according to parts per million. As featured in the newspaper the SF Chronicle, Psychologist Dr. Patrick Gannon helped to conserve water by painting his own swimming pool into a mural on the historic California water drought. Learn more about this amazing pool mural, in this article on SF Gate.com "Everybody can do something to help out" -Dr. Patrick Gannon on climate change Informational Resource: Sign up for the November 5th Co-facilitator Training As an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse, you're invited to experience our Virtual ASCA meeting and receive training to become a Virtual ASCA meeting co-facilitator. There is no obligation to become a co-facilitator and best of all, the training is free! Experience a real, ASCA Support Group meeting from the comfort of your own computer, phone or mobile device Learn about The Morris Center's relationship to the ASCA program Have your questions answered about how the meetings are run Take your first step in developing leadership skills that will help you become a co-facilitator Our virtual ASCA support group happens every Saturday, from 11:30am-1:00pm, Pacific time. We will take a short break after the support group before beginning the training. The training will last about an hour and a half. November 5th will be the first part in a two part series of virtual co-facilitator trainings. Those interested in the training are strongly encouraged to participate in the earlier virtual ASCA support group. Those already trained as co-facilitators are welcome to attend. To attend the Virtual ASCA support group and sign up for the training, send an email to : info@ascasupport.org Don't delay, sign up, today! "Just like hopes springing high, still I rise" -Maya Angelou Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Fall, 2016 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Fall 2016 In This Issue -Fire-Brown: Atlanta ASCA co-facilitator and Ted Talks public speaker -Kim's story: Meet ASCA's newest email correspondence volunteer -The history of ASCA: written by Diane Whitney -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook In this issue, you'll meet Fire-Brown, a TEDTalks public speaker who is also the founder of the Atlanta ASCA support group. Next, you'll be introduced to Kim, our newest volunteer who will help answer emails sent to our ASCA website. Finally, you'll learn the history of ASCA, researched and written by one of our board members. All articles, photography and artwork were created by Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide with over 50 support group meetings. We need your help to reach more survivors. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of you that you are awesome and appreciated. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse unable to see parts of the Newsletter? Click here to view a web based version Fire-Brown ASCA Atlanta founder, TEDTalks public speaker Most of my life was seemingly normal. There were some manic behavior and signs of being a borderline personality. For instance I lacked trust in people and what they said. I was suspicious and anxious. There were some relationship issues with men; I discovered being a lesbian. Despite these challenges, I attended college, became a stock broker and worked successfully in financial services. My family life was happy and close. I recognized I present well: I'm very pretty, out-going and talkative.Yet, along with these qualities, I have always thought (known) that I was "damaged". I remember being molested and repressed the actual acts. In 2006 I was triggered by an event involving a (verbal) sexual assault. It was very traumatic: a scary homeless man approached me at 11pm in a seclude area and while touching his genitals, he used crude language to tell me to give him oral sex. I got away but was terribly traumatized. I drove home crying hysterically. Within days of this, I began having nightmares, then memories and flashbacks of my sexual abuse. I became more anxious and agoraphobic. Depression and being a drunk took over. Three years later I eventual checked in to mental hospital and began therapy. I kept a j ournal through my healing process. I recommend Survivors do this. I later named my j ournal "Journal of a Suicide Failed" and am currently looking into publishing it. I blogged and I found ASCA. I kept j ournaling about the 2 1 Steps from the survivor to thriver manual. While focusing on Step 15, I decided to start an ASCA meeting in Atlanta. We have been doing the meetings for 5 ½ years now. It has been the best thing I've ever done. I accomplished so much through my healing j ourney. Recognizing I had a story to tell, I began speaking publicly. In April 2016 I did a TEDTalk: "Healing Adult Survivors of Child Abuse". It was the video produced: watch the video by clicking here I've dedicated my life to working with Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. The accomplishments are rewarding. Now, I live my life thriving. I went to school for two years to become an Ultrasound Technologist. I have traveled to speak monologues. My relationships are healthy. I'm happy and healed. Some days I have a memory or trigger because of public speaking: nothing I can't handle in a healthy way. This is possible for all Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Fire-Brown ASCA-Atlanta Kim's story Meet ASCA 's newest email corresp ondence volunteer How I became a Survivor and am now a Thriver in process. As it always is, a process. I was born in July of 1973, the baby girl of two young parents along with my two older male brothers, 5 and 7 years my senior. My mother and father were married young and definitely not equipped to be perfect parents (not than any parent is perfect since kids don't come with a how to manual). My parent's own upbringing passed on generations of dysfunctional behavior . Behavior which was passed on to myself and my brothers. I was sexually abused by my oldest brother, my father, and physically, mentally and emotionally abused by both of my parents. I lost my identity, innocence, and my soul was damaged before I even hit the age of 5. I had the delusional thoughts that all families were this way. As I grew to be an adult and have children, I realized affecting me and my life in many ways, was the a result of the abuse in my past . The pain of the abuse was so hard to bear, that I indulged in behaviors that were self-sabotaging. Instead of living, I only existed in this life. I was a drug abusing, co-dependent, self- loathing mess. Both my parents came from alcoholic and drug abusing households, with all the dysfunctional properties and roles that come with it. I was often times told that I was a mistake, not planned. I always felt as if I never had a voice, a place where I belonged, a safe environment. I was isolated on many occasions because my mother just didn't want to see me or deal with me. I often would be grounded to my room for months on end and could only come out during dinner, go to the bathroom and to school. I would bang my head against the wall, in sheer frustration and feeling alone in my own home. I did have a few constants growing up because my middle brother was complete opposite,. My middle brother treated me with unconditional love and protected me. I am ever more grateful for him now as I know that he was a blessing all throughout my life. He guided me in the right way on many occasions and has always been there for me. I also had my grandmother on my mom's side. She was a wonderful sweet loving woman and her house was my safe haven. My head in her lap as she brushed my hair was a safe place for me. She made me feel loved and cherished. My grandmother would tell me good things about me. It was hard to believe those words but even though she is not with us any longer, in my therapy she still is my safe place when I need to self soothe. I definitely put myself in her lap, hear the sound, smell her smell and feel her touch and hear her voice. It is an instant guided meditation process for me and where I go to and visualize when I am in crisis. I realize my grandmother's spirit is always with me in my healing process. In my process of healing, I always had a desire to reach out to people such as myself, and help people who are having a hard time dealing with their past. I am not a therapist, but my I am starting the first steps this year on that j ourney. This past year I had a wakeup call which made me more aware of who I can be. I came to know I am a good person. I am smart, loving, and possess the good qualities that I never thought I had or deserved. When I found ASCA, it was like a light and excitement went off in my head. Here was a way that I could give back, focus on my healing continuously, have support and not feel alone,. With ASCA, I hopefully can be able to help other people by providing them resources to start their own healing process. This has always been a passion of mine. I enj oy helping people and letting them know they are not alone in their j ourney to being a Thriver. This is hard work because it's exhausting, maddening and absolutely unbearable at times dealing with abuse in your childhood. I learned it is possible to become a survivor and move forward to being a thriver. The j ourney is long and hard, but worth every minute. That is why I wanted to volunteer for the ASCA email correspondence team: To give back the tools that were given to me. Original p hotograp hy by John M. THE HISTORY OF ASCA AND THE MORRIS CENTER by Diane Whitney With the phenomenal, international growth of the ASCA program over the past 26 years, it's easy to forget the early pioneers whose deep and abiding commitment made it all possible. In fact, some newer members of the ASCA community probably don't know what the Norma J. Morris Center is or how it is connected to the ASCA program. Hopefully, this article will answer those questions and bring everyone on board with a historical perspective. In the mid 1980s, a Jesuit priest and psychologist named George Bilotta became friends with two members of his San Diego parish, Norma and Bob Morris. Their friendship continued after George left the priesthood and relocated to San Francisco. In 1989, Norma and Bob sold their business and Norma proposed to George that they collaborate to provide therapeutic services to some under-served community. After some discussion, it was decided that their focus would be on incest survivors. At the time, the topic of sexual abuse of children had already emerged on the radar screen of the therapeutic community but it was still thought to be a relatively rare phenomena. Sexual abuse of children was also still an uncomfortable topic for the general population. Despite this, George and Norma pushed forward and in 1991, they incorporated the "Adult Survivors of Incest Foundation"(ASIF). Efforts to obtain funding were unsuccessful so Norma became the sole source of financial support for ASIF. Under its auspices, individual and group counseling services were offered to incest survivors at George's office in San Francisco. However, the reality soon set in that there were simply not enough referrals to make the provision of clinical services financially practical. In 1992, George made a crucial connection when he met Patrick Gannon. Patrick, also a psychologist, had been working with high risk families in the Tenderloin district of San Francisco for many years. In the course of that work, he dealt with many cases of child abuse and was trained to identify, assess and treat those young victims. He was surprised to discover that many of the parents of these abused children had themselves been abused as children. He concluded that his success with the children depended upon his intervention with the parents as well. Based on these experiences, he wrote the breakthrough book "Soul Survivors" in 1989, a book that would eventually become the theoretical model for the ASCA program. Impressed with Patrick and his work, George hired him as the Clinical Director of the fledgling ASIF . With Patrick on board, the mission was soon expanded to serve all survivors of child abuse, not only incest survivors. In recognition of that expansion and in honor of Norma Morris, who continued to provide funding, the name was changed to "The Norma J. Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse". (hereafter The Morris Center). In early 1993, The Morris Center placed an ad in a free newspaper called "Recovery" inviting adult child abuse survivors to come to a meeting to discuss the possibility of creating a self help program. The meeting was held in Patrick's office and about twenty people showed up, including the current president of the Morris Center Board, Jessy Keiser. Jessy recalled the experience this way : "I remember feeling excited, hopeful and also a bit vulnerable. Some who attended the meeting were therapists as well as survivors, some had been in individual therapy, some had been in 12 step programs for years and were now seeking a self help program specific to recovery from childhood abuse. All who attended were eager to establish a program that did not yet exist. None of us knew how much work lay before us. And none of us could have anticipated how our efforts would unfold over the next two decades to become what today is a worldwide recovery community ". From that initial meeting, a Leadership Council was formed. Patrick's book, "Soul Survivors " provided the excellent foundation for what was to become the ASCA program but there was still much work to be done before meetings could be launched. According to Jessy, the Leadership Council labored for the next 3 months, sometimes tediously discussing and developing guidelines, principles, meeting formats, scripts and other recovery tools. Finally, in May, 1993, the first ASCA meeting was held at the University of San Francisco. Almost 100 people showed up, which provided validation that a group such as ASCA was much needed. A few months later, the first training workshops were held for survivors who were interested in co-facilitating meetings. Before long, additional meetings were up and running in Oakland, San Mateo, Santa Rosa, San Rafael and as far away as San Diego. Over the next several years, ASCA continued to thrive and expand. Among the achievements George cited were six survivor conferences in San Francisco, San Diego and Santa Rosa, three art exhibits featuring survivor art, sponsorship of two survivor poetry contests plus numerous in-service trainings for mental health and social service workers. This was all made possible by the deep commitment of many volunteers, who poured their hearts into the ASCA program. It was also made possible by the ongoing financial support of Norma Morris, whose generosity allowed ASCA to have office space and maintain key staff, including George as Executive Director, Patrick as Clinical Director and Lisa Lindelef as legal counsel. ASCA was also the first survivor organization to have a Web page. With the growing popularity of the internet, a crucial decision eventually had to be made. Should ASCA materials be made freely available online? George described his feelings and concerns about that process as follows: "Giving away something that was so hard earned and precious was a liberating experience but also fraught with concern. How would people run the meetings without the hands-on support and guidance of the program founders? Would it work? Would it be safe? " For the most part, those concerns proved to be unfounded. While some pseudo ASCA groups did spring up, using only parts of the ASCA protocol, the materials were overwhelmingly used as intended. Numerous new meetings were born and many survivors also used the materials for their own personal recovery. Likewise, many psychotherapists started using the materials with their clients. In 2002, the Morris Center and ASCA went through another challenging transformation. After donating over a million dollars over the years, Norma Morris' changing personal circumstances made it impossible for her to continue financially supporting the Center. George had already shifted his position from Executive Director to consultant and, in an article in the June 2002 ASCA News, (which can be found in the newsletter archives) he informed the ASCA community that he would continue as a volunteer consultant from his new home in Massachusetts. He also announced that the Morris Center would henceforth be "largely in the hands of its industrious president, Jessy Keiser and its talented and competent Board of Directors." That Board, with some changes in membership over time, continues to function to this day, with Jessy still at the helm. Some of the tasks the Board continues to undertake include: Offering support and guidance to new and existing ASCA groups Answering phone, email and postal mail inquiries Maintaining the ASCA website Publishing the quarterly newsletter Publishing the monthly UPLIFT newsletter Training new and current ASCA co-facilitators to conduct safe meetings Developing alternate ways to hold meetings e.g. virtual meetings Managing the budget and seeking new funding sources Creating materials for new meeting formats Executing required government filings to keep our non profit status Brainstorming new ways to help The Morris Center continue to grow and thrive We hope that the ASCA community is aware that the Board stands ready to serve you in any way we can. We welcome your input, your questions, your volunteer energy and your contributions to the newsletter. We hope that everyone who has been associated with The Morris Center/ASCA , feels a great sense of accomplishment for all that we have achieved together over the past 26 years. Original artwork by Amaroq ASCA Chicago, IL Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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August, 2016 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. AUGUST 2016 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we feature artwork, an excerpt from the Survivor to Thriver Manual and some tips for being your best. We hope you'll be uplifted. unable to see parts of the Newsletter? Click here to view a web based version A simplified version of Vincent Van Gogh's "The Fields" Oil on canvas, painted by an adult survivor of child abuse in California. YOU have the right to be who you want to be and live the way you want to live An excerpt from Step 13 of the ASCA Survivor to Thriver Manual , including some tips for being your best. Make conscious choices about your life, free of guilt and the lack of entitlement that characterized your past. Be the person you want to be, to live the life you want to live and be treated the way you want to be treated. Your true identity as a person will continue to emerge. How amazing you are! While aggressiveness rarely gets you what you want, assertiveness is a skill and a tool that can help you in your daily life. Make time to relax Embrace a growth mindset and focus on what you want Eat healthy foods that make you happy Accept that you are truly an amazing human being Get enough sleep "It is better to play than to do nothing" -Confucius Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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July, 2016 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JULY 2016 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue we feature original photography, a longtime ASCA group open to new participants, including exciting news of a book study group for Soul Survivors: the big book to the ASCA program written by Dr. Patrick Gannon. We hope you'll be uplifted. unable to see parts of the Newsletter? Click here to view a web based version Original photography by John M., San Francisco Bay Area "One important element of recovery is being truly in the moment. Nothing brings me into the moment better than framing and taking a picture" John M. Have you heard of the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse support group at 45 Castro st in San Francisco, CA? This longtime ASCA support group, is open to new participants. Adaptable and resourceful, safe and supportive, you'll also find effective, free hands on training to learn new leadership skills for co-facilitating meetings. Our ASCA meetings are always conducted in a reliable, supportive format that is based on the 21 steps developed by Dr. Patrick Gannon, adhering to clear guidelines and ground rules. Are you a therapist or a friend of a survivor in the Bay Area, who you would like to offer more support? Tell them about this meeting. Tell them to come see how together we can help each other heal and thrive. Contact 45 Castro St. ASCA A NEW BOOK STUDY GROUP! Have you ever wanted to incorporate the book Soul Survivors into your recovery work but weren't sure how? Ever felt like you were missing the book study support of others? We are happy to announce a solution for you! The book study will meet for one hour each week, using the free web based application Zoom. We recommend that those participating have a copy of Soul Survivors. More exciting information is in the works! Interested? email Lawrence or Ozella for details. Available on smashwords | amazon.com Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line of your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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June, 2016 (pdf) |
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UPLIFT: A monthly ASCA newsletter of thriving and inspiration. Exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse. JUNE 20 Featuring positive, uplifting information exclusively from The Morris Center for Healing fro Child Abuse. UPLIFT In this issue, we feature original artwork by Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, including information on self soothing and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in honor of PTSD awareness month. Finally, we share inspiring insight of how one survivor thrives. "Winged hearts of love fly high and j oin all lost, wounded and targeted human beings in the powerful embrace of love" Amaroq Original artwork by Amaroq In loving, celebratory memory of all the Latino & Non-Latino lives recently who passed away at the gay night club in Orlando, Florida. I also dedicate this to Muslim people who are right now being unjustly targeted and harassed in neighborhoods across the United States. The Flying Hearts also symbolize this year's San Francisco Gay Pride Weekend's wonderful theme: "Racial & Economic Justice." I dedicate this to all the before mentioned and also in honor of PTSD awareness day in the United States, which coincidentally and perfectly lands on Monday, the 27th of June. Original artwork by Violet Newborn The butterfly was inspired by my awareness of realizing the strength and endurance I have now to fly. It took months while incarcerated but I filled the wings with God's fruits of the spirit, as I learned to live by them. Although there were no mirrors, I became aware of my inner beauty. I am honored to touch anyone's soul/spirit who didn't get to sleep through the night. JUNE IS PTSD AWARENESS MONTH June is PTSD awareness month, with June 27th as PTSD awareness day in the United States Let's learn more about the effects of PTSD on our body from psychcentral.com and some ways to self soothe from our very own survivor to thriver manual. During an experience that is traumatic, the part of our brain (brain stem) known as the Reptilian (responsible for autonomic body processes, instinct and survival) will shift the body into a reactive mode. Shutting down all non-essential body and mind processes, our brain stem takes full control and orchestrates survival mode. While this is happening, our sympathetic nervous system increases stress hormones to prepare us to flee, fight or freeze In many cases when immediate threat ceases, our parasympathetic nervous system now shifts into a restorative mode. This natural process allows the brain to shift back to it's usual control structure. Around 20% of trauma survivors go on to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This happens when the Reptilian part of our brain, holds trauma survivors i a constant, reactive state. Now that we've learned what happens to our bodies, lets look at some ways we can self soothe. Evaluate the ways you soothe yourself, choosing to retain the healthy practices and controlling or even letting go of the less healthy ones. Soothing can be through physical activities like reading a favorite book, taking a walk or sharing a special meal. You may enjoy soothing yourself with daily inspiring or uplifting activities like meditation. Soothing can also be through empathetic and hopeful reassuring words. Perhaps write an encouraging letter to yourself and then read it again later, after some time. You are absolutely in the right to provide yourself these words that are reassuring, empathetic and hopeful! Frankly, you absolutely deserve to know you are awesome. INTRODUCING LEAH:A LEADER OF LEADERS Finally dealing with the trauma issues at the root of my eating disorder, I am currently in therapy for the first time after being diagnosed with PTSD just this year. I know/believe that I will be successful because I have the courage to work hard on myself. I love singing and like to pretend I'm a rock star through karaoke nights with my friends and family. I live in California and am just embarking on my 40's, currently a supervisor at a major healthcare organization overseeing a leadership development program. Leah is: A role model, mother, leader Pictured is the labyrinth that a small group of employees and I built at my workplace. One of my coworkers led the entire effort, she'd recently been certified as a labyrinth facilitator and wanted to bring the benefits of walking a labyrinth to our workplace. The work to map and draw it out in the dirt stretched my physical capabilities at the time but I persevered and the end result was worth every drop of sweat. I love walking the labyrinth with my daughter and proudly telling her the story of how I helped build it. They say there is no wrong way to walk a labyrinth, well she likes to run it! I feel happy imagining her bringing her children here one day. Three stages of a labyrinth walk (as mentioned in the photo) Releasing (walking from entrance to center) The act of shedding thoughts and distractions enables you to let go of the details of your life. This is the time to open your heart and quiet your mind. Receiving (while in the center) At the center, stay there as long as long as you like, sit or stand, meditate or pray. Allow yourself to receive guidance. Returning (walking from the center back to the entrance) To leave the center, follow the same path out. There may be a sense of strengthening and clarity- becoming more empowered to find and do the work you feel your soul calling you to do. finding a labyrinth near you Amazon will donate 0.5% of the price of your eligible AmazonSmile purchases to Norma J Morris Center For Healing From Child Abuse whenever you shop on AmazonSmile. Click to start donating at no additional cost to you, instantly while shopping on Amazon. UPLIFT joins our still ongoing, quarterly newsletter. We would love to feature you. If you would like to volunteer, have comments or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com by including their name in the subject line o your email. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse | Email | Subscribe to UPLIFT Follow us on Facebook! NORMA J MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Spring, 2016 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Spring 2016 In This Issue -ASCA Scores an Oscar! -Ken's experience: Creating your own Virtual ASCA support group meeting -Sumi's survival of bullying and victory over OCD -The gifts of Fatherlessness: insightful revalations by Abigail Rose -Reconnect with Basic Goodness and Release the Past to Freedom: Liberation in a change of perspective -An interview with ASCA Cofacilitator: Randa Fox -Recognition of generous support -Volunteer, comment, find us on Facebook April is child abuse awareness month In this issue, you'll notice something you may have never seen in an ASCA newsletter: Photos of brave survivors who either gave their permission, or asked us to include their faces in this issue of the newsletter. We also feature photos of actual ASCA attendees who participated in Child Abuse awareness month, by submitting photos of their "hands in solidarity". The "hands in solidarity" photos are visual depictions of ASCA bravery and solidarity, while respecting the anonymity and privacy of individual ASCA participants. The Morris Center wants to thank all the ASCA participants who are not pictured, for considering the idea and let them know they are brave and commendable Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Our meetings are safe and supportive because of every Adult Survivor of Child Abuse who follows our meeting guidelines, pictured and not pictured. All Adult Survivors of Child Abuse matter, without exception. The Morris Center and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide with over 50 support group meetings. We need you to help us reach more survivors. Please consider volunteering, following us on Facebook, or by making a donation in any requested amount that feels right for you. The Morris Center wants to remind all of you that you are awesome and appreciated. Learn more About The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse ASCA Chicago, IL ASCA Scores an Oscar! written by Dr. Patrick Gannon Congratulations! Did you know we won an Oscar? Hooray for us! I was so excited by two events that occurred at the Oscars that I lost myself for a moment. I imagined that it was I who was walking up to the stage to receive my Oscar. I started thinking about what I would like to say if given the opportunity to stand before the world and speak. Why not? This was a big win for the survivor community. So, here goes (boy, this thing is heavy!) "Thank you to the Academy for providing two gifts to the survivor community tonight." First, Lady Gaga, you are my new hero! Years after Oprah Winfrey spoke of her sexual abuse as a child, we have needed another vibrant and powerful voice to speak out about sexual violence. I want to thank Lady Gaga for her wonderfully inspirational song "Till It Happens To You" (co-written with Diane Warren) from the documentary movie "The Hunting Ground" which depicts sexual assault on college campuses. Lady Gaga stands tall as both a survivor of sexual assault and a spokesperson for survivors everywhere who are speaking out about their own tragic experiences. As the words of the song go "Do not tell me to act strong, do not tell me it will get better, do not pacify me. Until it happens to you, do not tell me how to feel or how to cope." Most importantly, "do not try to make me feel insignificant. I am not." I would also like to honor the survivors who took the stage to surround Lady Gaga in appreciation of her message. Each survivor had phrases written on their arms such as "Not Your Fault" and "It Happened To Me" and simply, "Survivor". You--the audience--responded with tears, appreciation and solidarity with the survivors. This was a worldwide recognition for the reality of sexual abuse, sexual assault and sexual exploitation for women, men and children all over the world. Secondly, I want to thank the Academy for honoring the survivor community in their fine choice for best picture of the year: Spotlight. Giving the award to Spotlight puts the spotlight on the Catholic sexual abuse scandal and the subsequent cover up by church officials over the last several decades. This award honors a movie that showed how a team of Boston journalists had the courage to stand up to the Catholic hierarchy who first denied, then covered-up and when finally confronted by legal authorities, tried to manipulate their way out of taking responsibility for what their pedophile priests have done. And they are still at it, despite what the Church public relations machine would like you to think.The movie expertly depicts the intentional and insidious efforts to protect abusive priests, allow church leaders to hide in their denial and enable thousands of children to be exposed to abuse over many years. In the name of God, these "children of God" (to quote the Bible) were violated and then denied accountability. Tonight will change some of that. The whole world saw how the Church was publicly exposed for committing a "mortal sin" against its children. Mortal sins in Catholic doctrine are wrongful acts that condemn a person to hell after death if unforgiven. Examples include adultery, infidelity, bestiality, fornication, homosexuality and yes, incest. No mention of extra-familial sexual abuse of parish children or sexual exploitation of children by priests. Make no mistake, what these priests did certainly qualifies as a mortal sin according to Catholic doctrine. A mortal sin is not necessarily a sin that cannot be repented. There is a chance for repentance, but it must be accompanied by contrition. With contrition, there must also be a resolution to confess mortal sins as soon as possible. In the case of the church being involved in a cover-up, the confession should be public. It should include responsibility for preventing it from every happening again. And this contrition and call for responsibility should be repeated again and again over time, considering how long this scandal has occurred. The Oscars called the church out Sunday night. Now we need to see concrete steps taken by Pope Francis to show public contrition and responsibility for change. According to an SF Chronicle editorial on March 1st, "Rome has stopped short of adopting the sweeping household rules that will prevent a recurrence and put church higher-ups on notice that they are responsible". Specifically, the paper recommends he "draw strict orders on handling complaints, disciplining priests and sanctioning upper-rank church leaders who cover up scandals instead of ending them". If contrition is not complete, according to church doctrine, they shall "go to hell". Is the Catholic Church able to repent? Time is running out. Pope Francis, this is your curtain call. ASCA Morristown, NJ Create and co-facilitate your own virtual ASCA support group meeting The Morris Center now offers training and materials for survivors to create and co-facilitate their own virtual ASCA meeting. This includes the ASCA online meeting resource package, available on the ASCA website after creating a user ID, password and answering a few simple questions to gain access to the resource packages.Virtual ASCA meetings follow the same format and meeting guidelines as in-person ASCA meetings. Ken, a ASCA member who lives in Australia, shares his experience of creating a virtual ASCA support group meeting. Ken and Jonesy Having attended US time ASCA virtual meetings for about a year in most of 2015 (where there were several other Australians in attendance), we made international friends but were all quite exhausted by the 5am start of the US meeting. We three Australians got together and with the support of the awesome folk at The Morris Center, started the Australian online virtual meeting. All three of us received online co- facilitator training from The Morris Center. Armed with the training, the virtual meeting scripts and the Survivor to Thriver manual, we got started. The virtual ASCA Australia meeting, happens each fortnight on a Tuesday night. We have been around for about 6 months. The meeting has averaged 3 - 4 attendees and we have had one regular attendee from Europe. It has been a consistently very close and special healing space for us. I am always blown away by the honesty and empathy when we meet and share our struggles and victories. If ever you have insomnia or are in the Australian time zone, please consider j oining us. The meeting is listed on The Morris Center website. People may also contact me directly, by sending an email. Our meetings are based on Australian Eastern Standard Time. All the best to all those I have met online. ASCA New York City, NY Sumi is an author, speaker and survivor from long term psychological impact of bullying. Sumi currently lives in Plymouth, MN. Sumi p resenting at the National Conf erence on Bully ing and Child Victimization in Orlando, FL Survival from long term psychological impact of bullying This is a story of my battle and survival from a devastating metal illness triggered by bullying. The onset of my OCD occurred in May 1992 at the age of 16. For the first five years of my mental illness, my single greatest struggle and obstacle became simply telling someone what was going on. Instead, I lived a secret life. I was hiding in the shadows, being afraid that I was losing my mind. My frightening condition kept me isolated from others and unable to pursue the normal drives of a healthy young man. Friendships were far and few in between, while dating remained out of the question. Before long, merely managing to function through an average day became the greatest challenge of all. The first success that I can speak about, followed the loss of my job at a hotel due to my incapacitating symptoms. I was 21 years old and the year was 1997. At last, I came out to my family about what was going on, and they were able to get me the therapy and medication that I needed to defeat OCD. Unfortunately, learning about the complex nature of OCD would be a process that would take me several more years to complete. First came a phase of tremendous relief at the realization that I wasn't going crazy after all: I would not have to be institutionalized at a psychiatric hospital! Second, a major bout of depression and self pity over the fact that I had been diagnosed with this form of OCD. Eventually, I was able to change my pessimistic perspective, willingly engage in cognitive behavioral therapy and begin to make significant progress with my illness. During this time period, I was also able to look up and confront my very worst bully from childhood. This fascinating and revealing encounter, helped me to finally deal with the bullying and the PTSD from my past. I was able to derive a lasting positive impact after spending only 16 days in Rogers inpatient treatment facility. This experience left a positive impact that has lasted throughout the past several years of my life. I attribute my lasting success to a specific change in my medication regimen made at the facility along with their tough approach to ERP (Exposure Ritual Prevention), which I took to heart upon leaving that place. Though my success did not come until several months after I had left Rogers, the change in my meds and the knowledge I had gained, would slowly show their purpose over time. Today, I am thrilled to report that I have finally regained control over my once ever so incapacitating mental illness! Though my ordeal has now reached this much better point, there are millions of other people out there who continue to struggle hard with OCD, on a daily basis. I am here to tell those fellow OCD sufferers that this does not have to be their long-term fate. Just as I took back control of my life, they too are capable of freeing themselves from the powerful clutches of this hideous disease. ASCA Santa Clarita, CA The Gifts of Fatherlessness: By Abigail Rose I am 52 years old, so I've lived a good portion of life and have gained a lot of wisdom from my many experiences. I learn something new about myself continually and sometimes I actually grow and change; but it happens very slowly, in baby steps. That may not be comforting for me or for anyone for that matter, but at least I grow and mature sometimes, which means I'm not stagnant. Today's epiphany was insightful. I was jogging and pondering, some would call it obsessing. Okay, I was obsessing, as I usually do, over my difficult and sad marriage. I have been married for 20 years. I have been married to a faithful man who claims he loves me and perhaps does really love me. He does not have a drinking problem or a gambling problem or a drug problem. He doesn't smoke or cheat or look at pornography. He has a good job and provides for his family. I am a stay at home mom and I live in a nice house in a good neighborhood. As I was obsessing while jogging tonight and obsessing over my quagmire of a relationship that I have with my husband, I had my epiphany. Recently, one of my favorite pastors told me to get a divorce already and stop torturing my children with this marriage that just wasn't working - for both of us. This was a pretty profound statement coming from a Christian pastor, because Christians and especially pastors don't usually recommend divorce; especially when there is no adultery. Why can't I leave my husband? He was scolding me and I was stuck. One reason I can't leave my husband is because I'm a stay at home mom with no money. Another reason I can't leave my husband is because we have four children together and I also have two step children who do not want us to get divorced. But the deeper reason, I realized tonight, was that my husband's worth to me is like precious metals: things like gold or diamonds. My husband means more to me, almost, than my own self. This was the epiphany. My husband is the man I never had growing up. My mom had me when she was eighteen years old, a single mom. She raised me as a single mom and had more children along the way, also as a single mom. We were so poor; we lived on Welfare. I felt ashamed and rejected. I felt alone and unwanted. I saw other children with homes and their own rooms and their own fathers. I had friends with fathers who provided for them and supported them. My friends had clothes and didn't have to use food stamps to buy groceries or lunch tickets to buy lunch at school. My friends didn't have to watch their mom try to figure out how to fix their 20 year old car. My friends had a curfew and two parents who loved them. I had to buy my school clothes at the Good Will second hand store. I had to babysit at 50 cents an hour to have any money at all because we were too poor for me to have any spending money, ever. My mother was also raised without a father. Her father abandoned her mother when she was pregnant with my mother's sister in 1946. My mother's father abandoned my grandmother and my grandmother raised her children as a single mother. This was in the 1940s; not a very common occurrence for that era. I realized after spending some time with my mother over a vacation last week that we both lived a sort of life of scarcity; that we were both afraid of not having enough. I realized during my epiphany that this was one of the gifts of fatherlessness - the gift of scarcity. There just isn't enough for me. There wasn't enough man growing up (except there was too much of a bad man, which I'll talk about in a minute). There were no strong arms to hold me up or comfort me. There was no money or male presence or male strength. There was a giant void, and as a young child I knew it. As an adult I see why I am so hooked into my husband and his emotional abuse. The reason is because the little girl inside of me will sacrifice almost everything for a man, because she needs one, always has, always will. Unfortunately, my husband is emotionally abusive. His form of abuse tends to be the silent treatment and dramatic exits. He also uses foul language and insulting comments. Another common technique of his is to insinuate or imply that I am not worthy of love and that I am worthy of scorn and contempt. I have spent many holidays and birthdays being the brunt of his silent treatments. My inner child chooses to ignore these tactics of his and just wait. Sometimes my inner child begs for him to pay attention to her. My inner child has no pride or sense of self-respect. She just waits and overlooks the abuse. So, when a person tells me to just leave or questions why I stay, I usually feel weak and pathetic. Today was different. During my jog, I cried and realized why I was stuck. This is not to say that I hadn't realized this before; but today I felt it and understood it - viscerally. I knew why I was stuck, I felt why I was stuck and I still do, as I am writing this down. When I was between the ages of 8 and 12, my mother married a pedophile. I didn't know it before she got married. All I knew on my mother's wedding day was that I was about to have my own daddy. I was so excited and my heart leaped with joy over the realization that I would no longer be fatherless and that I would be just as valuable and special as other little girls with fathers. You probably can imagine how devastating that experience was for me. On the wedding night the entire family had a honeymoon. My two year old sister, my mother, myself, and my new step father all spent the night at a hotel on Catalina Island. The first clue that something was amiss was that my step father didn't wear pants or underwear. He exposed himself to us by just wearing a t-shirt in the hotel room. Since I wasn't familiar with how men behaved, while I was shocked and uncomfortable, I mainly felt confused. Then, when I went to the bathroom, my new step father told me I couldn't shut the door because we were a family now. He started taking showers with me from that point on.This all occurred under my mother's watch. He always told me to call him Daddy and always insisted that I kiss him on the lips. He began fondling me and would do sexual things involving everything but intercourse. Thank God for that. Sadly, the emotional damage was done and my little girl's hopes and dreams for a father were not only unfulfilled, her dreams were completely destroyed. She felt betrayed, devastated, ashamed, and angry. Another gift of fatherlessness was lack of protection. Now as an adult, I have a husband who is a narcissist at best and an emotional nightmare at worst. To be married to him involves me trying to navigate emotional land mines. He is nice often, which throws me off even more. He loves the kids and wants to take care of them, which doesn't help me want to leave him. Along with this experience, my inner little child begs me to just wait. Wait for him to come around. Wait for him to stop yelling. "He'll be nice again", she says. 20 years later, I'm still here; usually waiting. This is another gift of fatherless - the ability to wait for someone. She can wait for someone to come home or wait for someone to change. She always hopes and waits and tolerates. Another gift of fatherlessness is the inability to understand what a healthy male- female relationship feels like. A fatherless girl has no idea what it feels like to have a healthy relationship with a man. For one reason, she never had one, for another reason, her mother did not model one. She is left with a void and an unknowing feeling. While other females find good boyfriends and good husbands, the fatherless woman struggles just to find a man, period. She has no idea how to just be with a man; it is a foreign concept. It's like trying to describe color to a blind man. A woman with no father has no confidence in what it's like to be with a man who loves her and values her. At least, this has been true for me. I have learned by trial and error how to fail at all relationships I've ever had with a man. I am still married, but my marriage is very unhealthy and very unfulfilled. When my pastor asked me why don't I just divorce him and allow myself to find a healthy man who loves me, my inner response was: "because I don't believe I can do either of those things". I have zero confidence in my ability to do either the former or the latter. But I do know how to wait. ASCA Tampa Bay, FL Abigail is a 58 year old American survivor and transformational coach, now based in southwest France. Reconnect with Basic Goodness and Release the Past to Freedom! As I sit down to write, my sweet little puppy-- blessed gift and symbol of life's basic goodness-- paws my legs to say hello, be remembered, and loved! That's what we all want and need: to be remembered and loved. Often for adult survivors of child abuse, being remembered was synonymous with aggression, anger, blame, and behavior inconsistent with love. We grew up in fear or terror, "walking on eggshells", trying to 'get things right,' so no one would fly off the handle...helplessly trying to fix the rampant unhappiness. Due to recurring fear, abandonment, abuse, or general neglect, we learned to make ourselves small, hide, not ask for much, and believe we were unworthy. In my case that belief went as far as to believe I was unworthy to exist; how grateful I 'should' feel to parents who gave me food (whatever could be afforded) and clothes (including hand-me-downs from Goodwill). I grew up learning gratitude for crumbs, not expecting gentleness, extras, toys, or niceties in life. As an adult, I experienced years of inner exploration with yoga, mindfulness practices, conventional talk therapy, and the saving graces of psychosynthesis. This helped me understand I wasn't 'tainted', bad, or worthless, but an ingrained energy of unworthiness continued to play itself out in my life. Situations of rejection or abandonment by trusted people such as an unexpected divorce, brought on emotional collapse. Several years after my divorce, devastation hit me again with renewed abandonment by the new partner I trusted. Each abandonment/betrayal helped me see more clearly that healing from my past was limited. The ultimate icing on the cake was the recent passing in 2015 of my mother, a person the small child in me waited and hoped (for over 50 years) to be close to and matter to. Though my mother was not the violent perpetrator in my family, she played a facilitating role, that of the victim who did nothing but cry, become hysterical, and beg my father to stop hitting, shouting, or inflicting violence. The sexual abuse she never let on to knowing anything of, honoring the family code to maintain secrecy on the impenetrable, private fortress of the family pathology. Despite a book about my own healing journey published in 2010 (under a pseudo to honor the family code for privacy and protect my siblings' personal lives), I continued to comply with my father/ abuser's injunction, "never tell your mother". Family secrets and injunctions fuel pain, confusion, and shame long after we leave an abusive environment. By unconsciously following family dictates and unconscious 'vows' made as children, we accept beliefs of unworthiness and blame before developing the cognitive make-up to understand what we are doing. This unconscious belief is often linked to a 'vow' to protect the family we depend upon for survival, and reinforce a belief in our own unworthiness, like a worn-down tire tread. If we are removed from our primary caregivers (to protect us) we often experience further trauma with feelings of abandonment and again belief this abandonment is our fault. We become the problem and the cause of our own nightmare. In adult life, hopefully we encounter others that help us understand the injustices and trauma we experienced as children. I believe today both parents did the best they could, with the conditioning and consciousness/awareness they had. We do the best we can with the understandings, beliefs and emotional vocabulary at our disposal. This is a belief and it's mine. It doesn't change my past, but it sets me free from its painful hold. This perspective allows me to release the hold my story has on me, not them. It allows me to feel light and change my own energy field so I no longer need to find people who will abandon me, or live alone for fear of not being good enough to be with others. This forgiving belief moves me from victim to a resilient and powerful individual, who survived and can now thrive. I live in my own skin and can learn to choose thoughts to feel fulfilled, happy and free, regardless of past experiences. The new perspective does not come with a magic click of the fingers or wave of a wand. First I must experience and feel my grief, anger, hurt, sadness, despair, etc....The only way out, is through. The most important part of my new belief is acceptance of my own basic goodness,not just that of others. My childlike, simple desire to 'make it all better' in my family, meant the role of the villain fell on me. If I had been better/ stronger/ more worthwhile, my parents would have been happy and my family at peace. How many years did I try to go back when I was stronger to remedy or fix things ....never succeeding, never experiencing the love my little girl desperately yearned for and sought! Resentment about my past (why did this happen?) festered in my unconscious, then in my body, causing innumerable physical ailments and illnesses. I attracted people into my life who would abandon me or be unavailable. I felt anxious, worthless and fearful if anything triggered my original childhood trauma...and a lot did! It takes time to reframe one's life script; sometimes we have to suffer a long time to open our eyes to what is going on below appearances. It's a process, and each person's journey is unique. Bon voyage. Carpe Diem! Seize the day . We're all in this together. Abigail ASCA Tarpon Springs, FL an interview with the co-f acilitator who started the Texas AS CA women 's group : RANDA FOX Tell us about who you are, how you got involved with this type of work. I'm 57. I lost my husband in 2009, he died of cancer. About a year after my husband died, the 7 year old daughter of some very good friends of mine, told her mother she was being molested by her uncle. My friends did everything right: They did the forensics interview, they went to court. This was about a 2 year process. The guy was convicted of aggravated assault of a child. The judge sentenced the uncle to only 90 days in jail. I went up to see the family after that court trial ended. When I walked into the home, the atmosphere was thick with anger and helpless. That weekend was when "not on our watch" was born. I was molested by my father (my two sisters and I). I had not yet allowed myself to comprehend that it was still happening to a child. Literally, it was like being hit by a ton of bricks and a light bulb being turned on. I was so enraged by the sentence the judge had given this man and upset with myself for not allowing myself understand, what what was going on. For the first time in my life, I found my purpose. Not only to work towards prevention through education, but to give a voice to the millions of adults who are survivors. That's what I've been doing for the past 6-7 years now. All because of the bravery of a 7 year old little girl. I've never experienced such a profound change in my life when I realized this. From that day forward, I started educating myself, going to conferences, going on the internet and learning as much as I could. I am an avid reader, I love to read. I was immersed in this new world/new reality, it changed my life. On my 56th birthday, I flew to Slovenia to meet someone who was walking 10,000 miles across Europe, to every European capitol to raise awareness of child sexual abuse and the statue of limitations. We met in Ljubljana and walked for 5 days to Croatia. Not only did I make a friend a for life in Matty, it was one of the most eye opening adventures I could have ever imagined. I want to create some type of a walk across America. I want it to become a grass roots type of event. I've already got the route mapped out to go along with our winters and summers. I want to be able to contact the different organizations in the main cities we walk through so they can know about it and become a part of it. At each state capitol, we'll have some kind of local artist/musician connected so we can have some sort of celebration. I think something like this would really go a long way towards raising awareness with people in the government and medical community. I had come across the manual "Survivor to Thriver" about 2 or 3 years ago. I have books everywhere. It seems like when the time is right for me to read a certain book, it rises to the surface. I knew immediately that was what I needed to do, was to start these groups. There's not that many in person groups. I was in Huston since 1998. I wasn't until I was 21 until my oldest sister called me and asked me "did dad ever sexually molest you?" cause as a child, you don't really have the same understand about sex and body parts. I always knew there was something I had disassociated with the abuse. In my 30s my brother in law told our mom that dad molested all three of their daughters (my two sisters and I). It was a really hard time for all of us. I looked around for some support groups. I found one here in Houston, it was incest survivors anonymous. I went a few times, it was something that I did not continue to go to. Fast forward to the present, I realized wow, there's not that many in person support groups for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. The Santa Maria hostel (where the Texas ASCA women's group takes place) is one of many rehab/halfway house type of houses. I've been doing that about 2 months now. I think eventually I'll start moving to some of the other areas/organizations that have women who have gotten addicted to drugs/alcohol that find themselves in a very vulnerable place. I can't think of a better opportunity to help them. So often when you have addictions, most support groups don't get to the real core issue. What do you think are the most important attributes of someone who is a successful co-facilitator? I think ideally they would be fairly far along in their healing process. I understand it's a lifelong journey of the healing process. The pain never goes away but you visit it less often. I feel the same is true for our child abuse. The reality of the abuse never goes away but as you continue to build upon your tools for healing , you understand more and you are able to visit that pain less often. I think certainly having somebody who isn't easily triggered. Especially for the first meeting of the ASCA women's group, there were probably 40 or more women in attendance. That day, I did not have a co-facilitator because I had not found one yet. It was the most powerful, heartbreaking, beautiful and empowering time. When I consider if I was not further along in my own healing, I don't think just anybody can handle that. Co-facilitators need to understand or have an awareness of where they are in their grieving and healing process. It's very important for me after each group meeting with the women at Santa Maria hostel, when I get home, to release all of the energy from the group meeting. That allows me to not continue to absorb any energy that is not mine. What would you say to someone who may already attend ASCA meetings, considered becoming a co-facilitator but has not taken the step yet? There is such beauty and generosity of the soul to be able to hold space for others while they are on their healing journey on our different parts of our healing journey. To have this gift and desire to hold space for others so they too can reach a point in their lives where they can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever someone new comes to the support group I tell them "welcome home, welcome to the family" Is there any question I haven't asked you that I should? I know that I am so amazed and I love how life works. I came across the Survivor to Thriver manual years ago and when the time was right, I came across it again and fully comprehended what these amazing people have accomplished. This journey has allowed me to continue to give and really make a difference. So many women in the women's group, have children. I know not only am I helping adults find joy in their lives, I know they also have children and we are actually creating the break in the cycle, we aren't allowing only one generation but several generations to continue the healing. Randa Fox started the Houston, TX ASCA women's group and is director of a not for pr ofit she founded called 'Not On Our Watch'. ASCA Women's group Houston, TX In recognition of generous support in the year 2015, The Morris Center presented this plaque to VSP GLOBAL, for outstanding contribution in service to the community of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. ASCA Long Beach, CA Support The ASCA community If you would like to volunteer, have comments, or would like to provide supportive feedback for anyone featured in this newsletter, send an email to ascanewseditor@gmail.com .When providing supportive feedback, please remember to include that person's name in the subject line of your email. The Morris Center provides training, coaching and mentoring for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are interested in volunteering. New volunteers are always welcome. Be featured in the ASCA Newsletter Please submit: your own stories, photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression, book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. A special thank you, to all those who have made a donation to the Norma J Morris Center. We would not be here without you. Like us on Facebook! | SUBSCRIBE to our Newsletter! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Summer 2015 In This Issue -The Story of Chiquitta: Suffering in Silence No More -Virtual ASCA meetings -BLACKOUT: My Journey With Repressed Memory And PTSD -ASCA's volunteer Spanish translator: Carlina Shares -Soul Survivors: Calling all book reviewers! -Original Poetry: Epitaph for the journal of my life -Join the Newsletter team In this issue, we are proud to present an inspirational life journey of an adult survivor of child abuse from Canada, called "The story of Chiquitta: Suffering in silence no more". Diane Whitney details her experiences with hypnotism, and how the understanding received from ASCA members has helped with her challenges of recovering her repressed memories, through an except from "Blackout: My journey with repressed memory and PTSD". Carlina authors an article, detailing her healing journey and how she was inspired to translate the ASCA materials, for the Spanish speaking community. We are also glad to share information of a new virtual support group meeting. Through access through internet or phone, a real ASCA support group is now available to virtually anyone in the world. An appeal to help accelerate and increase the reach of the ASCA program to survivors who are suffering is written by Dr. Patrick Gannon. Original poetry, titled "Epitaph for the journal of my life" is written by TMC volunteer outreach director, Echosaisis. TMC and the ASCA Program continue to grow worldwide with over 45 meetings. We need you to help us reach more survivors. Please consider volunteering by giving back in any way that feels right for you. We also encourage everyone to contact us via: info@ascasupport.org ClicClk MORE ABOUT ASCA The Story of Chiquitta: Suffering in Silence No More This is a true and personal story of my life from victim to survivor. Not everyone knows my story, therefore, I shall be known as Chiquitta. My Childhood and the Inside Abuse I was born in Edmonton, Alberta. My parents came from Guyana, South America. They came to Canada for a better life: Acid attacks were occurring in their homeland. My mother and my father have an age difference of 13 years; with my father being a lot older. This fact gave way to extreme jealousy on my father's part. My mother was a housewife who later worked at a bank. My father was a High School teacher. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister; I am the eldest daughter. This was a curse for me: my parents were extremely strict with me and rules had to be followed. My brothers and my little sister were given the rights and freedom to do whatever they pleased. The teachers would call me "a pleasure to teach" due to the fact that I was a quiet student. In reality, I was shy and scared to speak up due to an abusive home life. My father was an alcoholic: putting liquors in his morning coffee, drinking a case of beer during the week, and a bottle of rum on the weekend. This routine binge drinking lead to my mother packing her bags on Fridays to go to my grandmother's house to seek refuge, leaving us kids behind. My mother would return to false promises made by my father once again; until the next time, which was every weekend. Seeing the police was a regular occurrence at my house, as was talk of divorce. My father would take the boys and my mother would take the girls. When my father drank alcohol, he became a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde monster. I grew up with fear and insecurity. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically abused by all family members in my household. My father would take off his leather belt to threaten to beat me, or my mother would take a wooden handled paddle in her handbag when we went out of the house just in case she needed to use it on me. Why me? Not the other siblings? Later, my mother told me she had no choice but to "put up" with my father's abuse. Where was she to go with no job, no money of her own, and 4 children to look after? In retrospect, she had my grandmother, but there was a bad stigma connected with it. People would talk. My father demanded perfection everywhere. Outside looking in, we looked like a perfect family; but little did the public world know of our living hell. School was the only stability in my life. I had no friends and was petrified to make any. I never knew what was waiting at home for me. My Childhood and the Outside Abuse Back then, I ventured outside of my house in search of a peaceful, happy, normal life. Instead, I was further abused: I was sexually molested by my family doctor, my cousin on my father's side of the family, and my cousin on my mother's side of the family. The cousin on my mothers side of the family sexually molested me when I was 11 and 12 years of age. When I was 12 years old, he vaginally penetrated and raped me. I still remember the sight of blood running down my thighs. I fought so hard, but it wasn't enough. What seemed like an innocent game of hide and seek was actually his opportunity to touch and hurt me. After he had his "turn" with me, his friends would have their "turn". I had nowhere to go for help. I wanted to call the police and put my cousin in jail, but with the abuse going on inside my own house, my father would be the one behind bars. However bad my situation was, it would have become even worse for my mother, my siblings, and I. All the abuse took place in the dark, which up until today scares me to death. My Teenage Years and Abuse Everywhere By the time I became a teenager, I developed anorexia and bulimia. First I would starve myself, and then "pig out," and then relieve myself with either extreme exercise or laxatives, never throwing up. This vicious cycle started at the same time that I was being sexually molested by my cousin on my mother's side. Later, during my senior year of high school, I was bullied and physically threatened by a girl who did not like me on sight because I was not white skinned: she was mixed race of African and English and she was being bullied herself by others. She took out her anger and hatred on me. It so happened that her mother was an associate of my uncle's in the real estate business. My uncle intervened, the girl apologized to me, and later she was transferred to another school. My Adult Years After my teenage years, I started associating with the "wrong crowds" of people. I became promiscuous, started drinking alcohol, and smoking marijuana in order to escape reality and cope with all the abuse that was going on inside my house. It was also during this time in my life that I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. The depression led to several suicide attempts. When I was in my 20s I was still dealing with the abuse at home. I got pregnant, had an abortion, and later ran away from home. I was hoping to never return. I was gone from home for about a week; when I realized that I had an orthodontic appointment. That is when I saw my parents. They started chasing after me. I went home with them only to be made false promises, just like my mom was made by my dad everytime he drank alcohol and raised hell. Too many times where "I am sorry" and "we will change" was just talk. Nothing did change. Later that week I came home from a party to find my parents waiting up for me. I was then choked and almost strangled to death by my father. If not for my brothers rescuing me like they used to rescue my mother, I would be dead. I then moved out of my house to my own apartment in Edmonton, where I felt free. I started binge drinking and I would invite men over to have sex with me and get drunk. On occasion, I would drink so much that I would black out. The next morning on one such occasion, I realized that something sexual had occurred, with used condoms around my bed, and ropes tied to the bed posts and to my wrists. I had been gang raped vaginally and anally. The condoms, excruciating pain, blood and soreness was the proof. The Big Move I moved from Edmonton to Toronto, for there was little work for me in Alberta, and jobs aplenty in Toronto for secretaries. My parents went to B.C. to be near my older brother. I had no choice but to leave Alberta and my past there. I was not going to B.C. with my parents; I had endured enough abuse as it was. My sister moved with my parents. My remaining younger brother stayed in Alberta. Not only did I find a job and a place of my own, but I found my future spouse. I got married, and a couple of years later, unfortunately I had a miscarriage. I never wanted to have children when I got married, but never knew why. Three years after the miscarriage I had a daughter, then two years later I had a son. My children are the lights of my life that give me the will to live when at times it feels like there is none. Last Chance I then cheated on my husband and had several affairs, both in person and on the internet. Enough was enough. My husband and kids were on the verge of leaving me and my abusive behaviors behind for good. Something had to change. I had to break the cycle of abusive behavior. Today Thanks to therapy, over the years, I have managed to almost completely heal from all the abuse that I had suffered. The best decision that I made was to move away from Edmonton and start life over again in Toronto. As far as my male cousin is concerned, he got married, became abusive to his family, and is currently wheelchair bound in a drug/rehab centre in Alberta. Karma says "what goes around comes around"; for all that has happened to him, he truly deserves. My father never apologized for his abusive behavior to any of us. He is an old man now. Chances are that he never sought help and he never will. I will never have the precious gift of virginity to give my spouse, for it was taken from me. Thanks to therapy and support of other incest survivors, I have hope, joy and life. The only good lessons that I have learned about my past is what not to do, to not perpetuate the wrongs done to me, and how to do right with family and friends. Yes, I have had my ups and downs, but for the most part, it is positive. I thank God for giving me such a normal life now, that I do pinch myself from time to time and wonder: "is this real?" I could go into detail with so many life events to share, but for now, this is The Story of Chiquitta. Thanks for reading my story. Just know that if I can go from being a victim to a survivor, anyone can! Virtual ASCA meeting? Smartphone? #TheresAnAppForThat Virtual ASCA meetings are connecting survivors from all over the world. A meeting place of support for any adult child abuse survivor with a phone or internet connection, The Morris Center has provided this unique and accessible program just within several recent months. I am glad to convey I have been one of the participants and co-facilitators of this powerful virtual meeting. Adult child abuse survivors from as far as Australia are able to provide and receive support with peers in the USA and even the United Kingdom. Often where no local ASCA meetings are available, Virtual ASCA meetings follow the same format and meeting guidelines as in-person ASCA meetings. The web/video conference service we currently use for our virtual meetings is called Zoom. For smart-mobile device users, Zoom even comes with a free app compatible with both iOS and Android.This means in a matter of: tap, tap, tap: You could easily experience a virtual ASCA meeting, just like that! Zoom even features built in webinar and instant messaging. The Virtual ASCA meetings are held on Saturdays (United States).Virtual ASCA meeting atendees receive prior log in information and instructions in order to participate in this support meeting. The Saturday virtual ASCA meeting is sponsored by The Morris Center. It is a closed meeting (by invitation ONLY). If you are interested in attending this meeting, or want to start your own virtual meeting in the future, please send an email to info@ascasupport.org with "VIRTUAL MEETING" in the subject line. BLACKOUT: My Journey With Repressed Memory And PTSD" an excerpt, by Diane Whitney, M.S.W., J.D. With my relationship with my partner now over, I resolved to put my energy into sorting out my childhood issues once and for all. Since drinking and smoking pot had enabled me to suppress emotions I didn't want to face, I knew I needed to start by throwing away those crutches. My therapist made two other suggestions. First, she suggested that I see a hypnotist since having no clear early memories of my early years was making progress very difficult. Second, she suggested that I look into a San Francisco-based support group called Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA). I immediately agreed to do both. My first ASCA meeting was informative before it even started, in that I found myself looking disapprovingly at the other people in the room. Before any of them even opened their mouths, I realized that I was full of judgment, seeing them as malingerers and attention seekers. Why were these women and men in their twenties, thirties and forties sitting around talking about their childhood and its effects on them? Why could they not just "get over it" and get on with their lives? Clearly I had bought into the prejudice that is commonly directed at adult abuse survivors. It made me realize that, on some level, I must be feeling that same disdain toward myself. In 1994, the concept of post traumatic stress, though not new, was not the common, even overused, diagnosis it would soon become. It was mostly applied to war veterans who had witnessed terrible events and who had lived their lives in fear, for long periods of time. It was difficult, if not impossible, for non combatants to understand what that was like. Likewise, I realized, it was impossible for anyone who was not raised in a scary household to understand what that experience was like. If grown men and women could be permanently traumatized by the terrors they experienced in war, how could young children not be scarred for life from having been terrorized? Terrorized not on a battlefield but often in their own homes and by the very people who were supposed to protect them? It soon became apparent to me that ASCA men and women were not just hanging around feeling sorry for themselves. On the contrary, most were full of courage and working hard every day to live a better and healthier life. Some were now parents themselves and urgently trying to break the cycle of abuse that is so often generational. Others, like me, were just trying to have healthy adult relationships that were free of torment and fear. For a minority of us, there was the additional challenge of having no conscious memories of exactly what had happened to us, nor any witnesses to substantiate our experience. If post traumatic stress was still a relatively new concept, repressed memory was even more misunderstood and controversial at the time. The basic principle was that people could completely block out events that were too traumatic to digest, akin to developing amnesia. If the trauma occurred at a very early age, it was thought that the brain was simply not well formed enough to even be able to process what was happening. One famous lawsuit on the subject involved the testimony of a woman against her father when she started to remember, twenty years after the fact, that she had seen him molest and murder her childhood friend. The jury in that case was convinced and convicted her father but there were many other instances when recovered memories were not believed. Although there may have been rare cases of implanted false memory, I knew from my own experience that repressed memory was a very real phenomena. The hypnotism my therapist recommended was supposed to help in that regard but I found it a slow and frustrating process. I was still pretty much stuck with vague, shadowy memories, strong impressions and intense feelings. Feelings that were growing stronger, now that I was no longer dulling them with drugs and alcohol. It certainly helped me to hear, from multiple sources, that intense emotions and behavioral reactions were, in fact, a form of memory. It also helped enormously to become a part of the ASCA community. Once I let go of my initial judgments, I felt more at home and understood in ASCA than I had ever felt anywhere before in my life. ASCA'S volunteer Spanish translator: Carlina shares When I was asked why I was taking on the responsibility of translating the ASCA material into Spanish, the first thought that came into my mind was the fact I usually take on responsibilities that I believe will create an impact on the lives of others. This, however, is more than just taking a responsibility. When I came to the US, I was in a very comfortable financial and professional position back in my country of origin. I had obtained my degree as a psychologist 15 years ago and had, for the most part, my life figured out. I already had built a career, had a great job, and had made enough money to have a stable financial freedom. However, there was a turn of events. My mother with whom I have had many conversations about the experience of being sexually abused by her boyfriend as a child until I was 13 years old, decided to go back in the relationship with him one more time. Needless to say, I was devastated. I experienced feeling I was nothing and had no place in her life. I was really confused and hurt. I didn't know what to do. That's when I decided to come to NYC to build a new life. I was certain that if I stayed in my country of origin I would more likely kill myself. The decision was not easy. In fact, since then nothing has been easy. Coming to a new country and not having the opportunity to practice without going back to school has been very difficult at every level, but especially financially. If that was not enough, I was mourning and in a lot of pain because of the losses related to my family and my life. I was really overwhelmed, ashamed, and hurt. That's when I found ASCA. I do not have words to describe the relief I felt when I found this space where I could speak my truth out loud. ASCA is where I was not pretending nothing happened and I was in the US just because it's exciting. I was able to open my soul and stand for who I am. This is the reason that moves me to do this work. There are people out there, eager as I was, to talk in a safe place about their struggle. However, sometimes they are not able to because of a language barrier. They may not even be able to find out about it. Not to mention, the emotional work is deeper because it is more real to the survivor when we speak in our mother tongue. Don't get me wrong: to have the space to do it at all is a blessing, but being able to do it in Spanish allows myself and others to reflect in a more profound level. That's why I firmly believe survivors can benefit greatly by doing this work in our mother tongue. I am just blessed I am alive and I can be of service. I have taken a stand in this cause in order to help others, the same way many others have taken a stand for me. If you would like to join me, let me know. Everyone is welcome to support this cause. In solidarity, Carlina Calling All Book Reviewers! Soul Survivors: A New Beginning for Adults Abused As Children Was republished last year as an eBook and is available through Amazon as a Kindle book and through Smashwords in all other eBook formats. As you probably know, the ASCA recovery program is based on the step program described in Soul Survivors. As such, it serves as the "big book" for the ASCA program. This is the second edition of Soul Survivors and includes the integration of the ASCA program into the three stage, 21 step model. The edition also includes updates on neuroscience research, attachment studies, new techniques (such as EMDR) that are effective tools for processing trauma and a host of other additions that builds on new thinking about trauma and recovery over the last twenty five years since the original edition was published in 1989. The revision was long overdue but we finally did it. Several ASCA members contributed to the inclusion of the ASCA program materials as well as tips for using the steps in ASCA meetings. We are currently at work on creating a "print on demand" format that will allow the book to be published as a softcover book. But here's the dilemma: we need help to promote and market the Soul Survivors eBook which also creates an opportunity for promoting the ASCA program as well. Ebooks need help to get noticed in the vast online book universe. Without it, books get lost. One way to do that is to get interested readers to write reviews of the book and bring attention to what the new edition has to offer. So, we are putting out a request for ASCA members worldwide to write reviews and post them on Amazon and Smashwords, including anywhere else in the social media universe so we generate interest in both the book and ASCA. Reviews can be as short or long as you wish. What works best is writing about what you got out of reading the book. Stories of how you use the steps to further your recovery offer helpful tips to others who are also in recovery. Be as creative as you wish and personal as you wish. Thanks so much for your help! Patrick Gannon Here are the links for both formats: AMAZON KINDLE SMASHWORDS Epitaph for the journal of my life (original p oetry by Echosaisis) May 26, 2010 - 1:17 p.m. Where is the little boy lost down the lane without anyone out to find him lost alone scared in the dark unknown before him begins the creation of the strength within him to grow into something he vowed at that moment and now the grown man looking back at the little boy wonders how he is meeting the little boy's expectations. Join the Newsletter Team Gain valuable experience in newsgathering and support a worthwhile charity! The Morris Center is looking for news editors and regular contributors for its global online newsletter in support of the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse program, http://ascasupport.wordpress.com. See http://www.ascasupport.org for more information on the program. Anyone interested please contact the editor-in-chief at ascanewseditor@gmail.com. Send in Submissions Please submit: your own stories; photography, artwork, poetry and other self-expression; book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com Like us on Facebook! The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by Try email marketing for free today! |
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Fall, 2014 (pdf) |
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Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) Global Newsletter Fall 2014 In This Issue -Special Q&A with Dr. Patrick Gannon -Meet Our New Outreach Director -TMC & ASCA Receive Accolades -Book Excerpt: Father Figure, My Mission to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse -Join the newsletter team! From the blog: -New Films Documentary about healing from abuse released by Emmy-winner Gayle Kirschenbaum -Film based on Award-Winning Novel by Donna Anastasi Needs Contributions Survivor Poetry -Kaleidoscope -I Awake -Incest News Items -Blog: Childhood Emotional Neglect: Raised By A Narcissist -Op Ed: Child abuse is everyone's business -Tx Talk: Explicit Memory Of Childhood Trauma Not Required For Development Of PTSD Editor's Note Dear fellow survivors, Autumn is beckoning with darkness arriving sooner every day accompanied by falling leaves. This time of year is my favorite because it has always represented a time to return to the job at hand after summer vacation. As a survivor, I felt more comfortable within the boundaries of a schedule rather than the ambiguous nature of extended time off. This fall heralds another return to school for me as I enter a doctoral program in the hope I may advance my training to help others on their healing journey . And there are reminders everywhere that we must continue to fight and give back to others. It was with a heavy heart that I learned about the death of Robin Williams, one of the great comic geniuses of our time. It was not only his outrageous humor, but the obviously warm spirit that came through his work that helped me through some of my darkest days in childhood and beyond. The world has lost another hero to the tragedy of depression. The debates that raged after the news broke only serve to highlight how difficult it can be for those who do not experience the darkness of the soul to understand it. In this issue, we are proud to present three original poems from survivors who explore different areas of their trauma recovery. We meet our new outreach director, Echosaisis, who tells a part of his journey to encourage others to volunteer. Also this issue, we present a special Q&A with Dr. Patrick Gannon, whose book Soul Survivors formed the basis of the ASCA Program and has just been released in a second edition in a new e-book format. He was also a guest on a radio show that focuses on survivor issues. TMC and the ASCA Program continue to grow with over 39 meetings, including a new one underway in Norway and a second one now in Michigan. But we need you to help us reach more survivors. Please consider joining the newsletter team or giving back in any way that feels right for you. We also encourage everyone to comment on any article posted on the newsletter's web site, http://ascasupport.wordpress.com. In closing, I offer a poem of inspiration from my favorite poet John O'Donohue: For Suffering. Best wishes, Renu MORE ABOUT ASCA Special Q&A with Patrick Gannon, PhD ~By Jessy Keiser, Board of Directors, The Morris Center~ Q&A with J. Patrick Gannon (PG), the clinical psychologist whose book Soul Survivors formed the basis of the ASCA Program, by the president of TMC's Board of Directors Jessy Keiser. (JK) JK: Patrick, it's been 21 years since we developed the program based on your book, Soul Survivors. Now that you've recently published the second edition, looking back, what if anything do you think we could have done differently with the steps or the program's development? For example, do you think it would have been helpful to word the steps in "we" language instead of "I" similar to the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous? AA and other 12 Step groups seem to have a strong sense of fellowship and unity. PG: Looking back, there are always things that could have been done differently especially in the organization and writing of a book. That's what makes it so hard. Even though the recovery field for adult survivors was still in its infancy back in 1988 when I was writing the book, it was still an enormous undertaking because I was trying to integrate emerging psychological treatment approaches for post- traumatic stress with popular recovery concepts espoused by self-help groups such as AA. Even back then, there were so many choices! But decisions have to be made, which means some options are not taken. All you can do is determine what you think is the BEST choice to be made AT THAT TIME. So, let me give two examples of choices that I made, one that I think was right and the other one I might have done differently. Read more *** Dr. Patrick Gannon was also the guest on an online radio show on July 25, 2014 produced by the National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Host Bill Murray, a survivor of sexual abuse and a child abuse survivor activist and advocate, talks to Patrick for about one hour. To listen to Patrick address concerns of adult survivors today, with guest appearances by members of TMC and ASCA, access the archived show by clicking here. Meet Our New Outreach Director ~By Echosaisis~ The latest model sports car. Smart phone ringing off the hook. Pressed business suit always ready go. Confidence to the nines. That person is definitely not me. Like most of us, the person I am today is much different from the person who began my healing journey years ago. This journey so far has led me to become Director of Outreach for the Norma J. Morris Center for healing from child abuse (TMC), an international not for profit organization which operates the ASCA support group program. In this article, I invite you to learn more about my childhood, how I became involved with TMC and what you can do to help us continue our work with the adult survivor community. Read more TMC and ASCA Receive Accolades ASCA Site Ranked in Top 10 The ASCA Program's web site has been ranked as one of the top 10 web sites on healing from child abuse by GoodTherapy.org, an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries worldwide. The organization based its decision on factors of usefulness, depth of content, functionality, aesthetics, alignment with its mission and values, availability of resources, and a community presence. Read more TMC Charity Recognized by Guide Star The Norma J. Morris Center for healing from child abuse (TMC), the charitable organization that offers the Adult Survivor of Child Abuse support group program, has been recognized by Guide Star, a non-profit directory of charities. Inclusion in this directory may help make TMC more attractive to donors particularly if ASCA members write personal reviews of their experiences in the program. For more on how you can contribute and share your story, click here. Book Excerpt: Father Figure, My Mission to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse ~By Sumi Mukherjee~ The following is an excerpt from the recently published book, " Father Figure: My Mission to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse " Being raised by the two best parents I could have possibly asked for, family times growing up were by far the happiest times of my life. Blessed as I was at home, this is also a sad statement, as my teen years and adulthood would soon be plagued with hardship and pain. The child of immigrant parents from India, I was raised in the Midwestern part of the United States in the 1980s and '90s. Though I was born in Canada in May of 1976, I've lived in the U.S. for my entire life, since about nine months of age. Though my home life was overall wonderful, I had an extremely difficult time throughout school. From kindergarten onwards, I quickly became aware of the fact that I was viewed as being different from nearly all of my peers due to my race and ethnicity. As I got older, I was bullied on a regular basis for being brown skinned, for being the child of Indian immigrants, and for having such a markedly unusual name. Over time, many years of bullying led to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and set the stage for the development of severe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, at the tender age of sixteen. Read more Join the Newsletter Team Gain valuable experience in newsgathering and support a worthwhile charity! The Morris Center is looking for a news editor and regular contributors for its global online newsletter in support of the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse program, http://ascasupport.wordpress.com. See http://www.ascasupport.org for more information on the program. Anyone interested please contact the editor-in-chief at ascanewseditor@gmail.com. Send in Submissions The newsletter blog site is updated regularly with news and information on healing and recovery. Please submit: your own stories; artwork, poetry and other self- expression; book reviews, and upcoming events to ascanewseditor@gmail.com. The Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 281535, San Francisco, CA 94128 SafeUnsubscribe™ {recipient's email} Forward this email | Update Profile | Customer Contact Data Notice Sent by ascanewseditor@gmail.com powered by |
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March, 2010 (pdf) |
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eMeetings Start a Group ASCAGroups Survivor toThriver Manual View This Newsletter Online If you like what you see and have benefited from this newsletter or other recovery materials provided by The Morris Center, please make a donation now. Any amount will help. In This Issue... -The Essence of Service... -Roundtable on Anger Roundtable Notes -Thoughts on Expressing Anger -The Etiology of Dis-ease -Poem: Clearview -Activism: Surveys for Science help substantiate needs of adult survivors by taking these surveys: E. Diane Champé Institute University of Amsterdam -Guidelines for Submitting an Article -More please! -Start ASCA in ! -Please Give Us Your Feedback What is the essence of authenticity? How do we process anger ? How do we deal with anger at ASCA meetings ? What is dis-ease, and how can psychotherapy help? In this issue of the ASCA newsletter you'll find some interesting insights to all of these questions. Please share this newsletter with other people who you think might benefit from this newsletter by forwarding it to them. You can use the "send this to a friend" link at the top of the page. If you need some support starting an ASCA group or if your organization would like us to host a presentation on the ASCA program at your facility, please contact us. Peace and Goodwill, ASCA Newsletter Editor ascanewseditor@gmail.com P.S. Thank you for your feedback! Please keep it coming! The Essence of Service... Love the One You're With by Rachel Grant As I think about what it means to thrive, an area that reveals itself is how we show up in the world to share our true selves with others in our daily lives. We may look to volunteering with organizations, offering our time and energy to support a particular cause, co-facilitating an ASCA self-help support group, or serving in some other way that contributes to society. This practice is of great value to both the giver and the receiver. Yet, I think we often miss the countless opportunities to serve those who are in our immediate circle, the ones we are closest to, the ones who support us during our emotional recovery, and the ones who cross our path every day. Thriving is being able to share the gift of our authentic selves. What Gets in the Way of Authenticity One of the behaviors that used to inhibit and prevent me from giving, or sharing freely with others was a kind of "stinginess". I am not talking about the kind of Ebenezer Scrooge stinginess that causes us to give a $1 tip when we really could give more. Rather, I’m referring to another manifestation of stinginess: a withholding of myself, born out of a compulsion to hide and protect myself -- to preserve a sense of control; a mask of my shame. Where does this type of stinginess come from, how does it most often show up, and how can we break free of it? Back to top Looking Good is Lonely Human beings are funny creatures. We desire interaction and relationship, yet often behave in ways that directly counter this need. I found that one of the main things, which got in the way of authentically interacting and forming relationships with others, was my desire to look good ! How many times had I been in a conversation during which the other person begins speaking on a topic, and I had no idea what they are talking about? Yet, I nodded and agreed as if I were also a scholar on Far Eastern spices. When I almost tripped and fell, my first response wasn’t, "Thank goodness I didn’t get hurt" but rather, "Did anyone see!?" Or what about when I was struggling through a difficult time in my life, but refused to tell any of my friends, because I didn’t want them to think I was a failure. Back to top Why We Hide As survivors of child abuse, we formed a belief that to hide our true selves (psychologically and emotionally) was the safest thing to do -- our abuser(s) would no longer be able to hurt us. Many of us suffered in silence and worked to keep up appearances to the outside world -- looking good was a way to keep from acknowledging the horrible truth of what was happening. As children, we often felt responsible for the abuse perpetrated on us. Our self-image was so damaged that we believed if we told someone what was going on, they would side with the abuser, and that would only affirm our feelings of shame. My beliefs were: "I am wrong. I am bad. I am the problem. I am not worthy of love". How could I have believed otherwise, when the one that was supposed to love and care for me was hurting me? Back to top Respecting our Shame It is important to remember Step Six of the ASCA program: "I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others." A healthy ego is important, and a desire to protect it is a natural and appropriate response. The first preliminary step in the ASCA recovery program is to remove ourselves from abusive relationships. We no longer put ourselves in situations where people systematically abuse us. Safety first! However, I believe that as we begin to recover and want to thrive, if we never risk our ego by giving up the compulsion to, "look good," then we miss key opportunities to share and learn from others. We can miss out on a chance for others to share genuinely with us, and, perhaps most tragically, to really be seen and known by others, which is the essence of intimacy. Ultimately, we can miss out on the experience of loving and being loved. Back to top Imposing Our Shameful Beliefs on Others Another way that shame showed up for me in the past was in my amazing ability to make choices for other people. Listen to the following invitation, "Hey, there's a party this weekend, I’m sure you’re too busy to go and wouldn’t be interested, but I think it will be a lot of fun; you can come if you have the time." What in the world was that? I mistakenly believed that this sort of non-invitation would protect my ego from the disappointment of rejection. But what it actually did was strengthen my belief that I was "not worth the time" of the other person. Otherwise, the person would attend my party. My error was in thinking that a "no" to an invitation meant the person was saying "no" to my worth as a human being. Instead, now I can make a clear request - "Would you like to help me on this project?" instead of, "I have this project that I’d like your help on, but I understand you’re probably too busy." Then, I accept the person's answer without taking it as a personal affront to my value as a human being. Often, if someone declines my invitation, he or she will offer an explanation, e.g. "Sorry, I already have too many projects." When I learned to recognize that a person may refuse an invitation for any number of reasons, I was able to give up the need to protect myself by "trying to look good". I also grew to recognize that even if going to the party wasn’t "their cup of tea", it did not mean that I was a "bad" cup of tea! Back to top Asking for What I Want By making clear requests, I don’t give a mixed message or impose a negative influence on the responder. My example of not asking others for support (e.g. keeping secret that I was struggling in life) is also a type of choosing for others. The people in our lives want to give their support. It is an act of stinginess to deny them the opportunity to love and care for us. So, how do I now counter this tendency to choose for others? It may seem simplistic, but, when I extend an invitation, I filter out anything that isn’t the clear request. When I need support – I ask! I stop choosing for others. I am simply asking for what I want. We are worth the support, others want to give us. That's a great affirmation! "I am worth the support others want to give me." Back to top The Gift of Authenticity I know now that it is a gift to those I am interacting with when I give up the need to look good. It is a gift when I make clear and direct requests. It is a gift when I am vulnerable with loved ones, holding the intention to build a more intimate and trusting relationship. I have discovered that relationships become more genuine, and the people we are with appreciate our openness… and begin to be more open with us. We begin to foster a safe and supportive environment where everyone can thrive. Rachel Grant is a Life & Trauma Recovery Coach and the founder of Beyond Surviving, a workshop for those who have been sexually abused or assaulted. If you’d like tothat learn more about the work she does, please contact her the at rachelgrantcoaching@gmail.com or beyondsurviving@gmail.com Back to top Thoughts on Expressing Anger by Bo There are volumes of papers on the definition and origins of anger. I find the why's and wherefore's of its manifestation - and how to deal with it - controversial, to say the least. Many authors believe that our anger response is a natural reaction to a perceived threat. It is a response to a perceived injustice, loss, or threat of loss. The perceived loss could be the loss of our life or the loss of something that supports our life as we want to live it. Good enough for me. For the purposes of this article, I will leave it at that. Back to top Most people believe that anger is an inevitable part of our human experience and that efforts to avoid or suppress anger will have ill effects on our mental health. That makes sense to me too. So what do we do with this inevitable aspect of suffering that we would rather not experience? Not Wanting to Feel Angry Doesn’t Help Very few of us would describe anger as a pleasurable experience. Yet, in my own path of recovery from child abuse, I’ve come to realize that experiencing my feelings of anger -- past and present -- is crucial to my healing. Not wanting feel angry doesn’t help me. My anger turns into rage and then I begin to feel hopeless. I have come to understand that as a child, my father conditioned me to suppress my feelings of anger. It was definitely not okay to express my feelings -- especially anger -- and the consequences of doing so only brought me more abuse. Accepting my anger has been and continues to be a crucial step in my own recovery process. I still don't like it and doubt I ever will. But I have softened my resistance to my reality of anger. Respecting My Anger Step 6 of the ASCA program states, "I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others." Working with this step in a safe environment, such as my therapist's office and in ASCA meetings, has been a transformative experience for me. I have come to realize that my suppression of anger often kept me from taking positive healthy action. There were times I remained paralyzed instead of advocating for myself and taking action. For instance, ending my relationship with my father was a very healthy expression of self-respect. It was a self-loving action prompted by feelings of anger. I'm so Mad I Could Scream While it's true that the violent expression of anger (yelling, screaming, hitting) is not acceptable behavior in the general public, it certainly is acceptable behavior in a safe therapeutic environment facilitated by trained professionals. Many of my most satisfying therapy sessions have focused on expressing my pent-up rage in the form of yelling, screaming, and hitting in order to get to the core feeling of my grief over the loss of a loving parent I never knew. This is helpful because I sometimes lack a vocabulary to express the rage I feel about what happened to me as a child. There are just no words to describe it, they don't exist. Being able to make guttural sounds, yelling, and screaming have been some of the most indispensable practices I have discovered to obtain a cathartic release. How to Deal with Anger in the Context of an ASCA Meeting The primary differentiator of self-help support groups, in general, is that they are led by peers who are there to support others as well as themselves, while voluntarily leading the meetings. Even when some ASCA meeting facilitators are also therapists, they are not there to provide professional advice or psychotherapy. I myself, along with the founders of the ASCA Program, believe that that the psychotherapeutic process should be left to a different forum: therapy groups led by trained professionals. ASCA Sharing Basics By prohibiting certain behaviors and encouraging others, the founders of the ASCA self-help program created a support group format that helps laypersons, with minimal training, create a safe meeting environment. One of the behaviors encouraged in ASCA meetings is to talk freely about our feelings of anger – but not to "act out" our anger. Cofacilitators-Keeping It Safe The ASCA Co-Facilitator Training Manual (free download) specifies that "acting out" our anger requires an intervention by one of the facilitators. On page 74, highlighting the third point for sharing basics, the manual states: "Third, a cofacilitator sometimes intervenes upon sharers-not so much for the content of the share, rather, for the manner and tone by which the sharer is presenting. For example, if I start shouting and screaming or standing up and moving about in an agitated way, the style of my share and its tone is no longer productive and helpful. Though it may feel cathartic for me, it has destroyed the sense of safety and soundness of others in the meeting. When a share veers off course and impinges on the integrity of the meeting's safety and predictability, then the share must come to an immediate halt. A co-facilitator accomplishes this through an intervention." Therapeutic without Therapy While ASCA is not a therapy group but a mutual self-help support group, coming to ASCA meetings can be therapeutic. I have learned to express extreme anger and frustration in ASCA support groups without yelling, screaming, or cursing. I am not saying there is not value in yelling and screaming to release anger. Clearly, I think there is. I'm simply saying that I can do that in my therapist's office or a therapy group session. In ASCA meetings I have found it useful to learn how to talk about my feelings of anger, without acting it out. I have grown to appreciate that, both as a meeting participant and as a co-facilitator. This article was inspired by my participation in the ASCA roundtable on anger and the formal notes taken by fellow participant. (click here for notes) I came out of it with a reinforced understanding and respect for the thoughtful safety built into our ASCA self-help support groups. Bo is an ASCA News Editor ascanewseditor@gmail.com Clearview in the deep within i am unblemished in the deep without my wounds are healing minds of lines of separation dissolve washed away by our tears vision, beyond division appears i feel through to my clearview i can see my soul i am not my wounds i am not my memories i am a life to be lived a mystery to love by Alexander Smith San Francisco, California Earthtoalexander@yahoo.com Back to top Roundtable on Anger by Bo On December 12, 2009 I had the opportunity to attend a two-hour ASCA Roundtable on Anger hosted by the Saturday morning ASCA meeting at UCSF in San Francisco. Nine people, including the facilitators, participated in the roundtable. The roundtable was designed as a collaborative learning experience and consisted of seven discussion questions. Participants also had the chance to witness an impromptu demonstration of a real conflict resolution between two meeting members, which was conducted after the round table. To review the notes from the roundtable discussion and the action plan developed by participants, click on this link. Please see the editorial: Thoughts on Expressing Anger Bo is an ASCA News Editor ascanewseditor@gmail.com The Etiology of Dis-ease dis-ease (literally: without ease) By Danny Buskirk The act of not being authentically seen, heard, and mirrored does a world of harm, as stated in the words of psychoanalytic theorists D.W. Winnicot and Heinz Kohut Winnicot used the powerful term annihilation to refer to the experience of not being mirrored—one is torn from being and plunged toward nonbeing. This nonmirroring is what self psychology calls empathic failure or selfobject failure—events, moments, interactions, and so on, in which we were not treated as living conscious human beings but as objects, as things. In Kohut's words, here we are faced with "the indifference of the nonhuman, the non-empathically responding world" (Kohut, 1984, p. 18 in Psychosynthesis: a psychology of the spirit, p. 122). Back to top The Unconscious It is my belief that an unconscious mind exists within the psyche. The unconscious is the unseen storehouse of the psyche that holds "memories that are painful and have been repressed" (Fadiman and Frager, p. 64). Jung believed that the unconscious "cannot be known and thus must be described in relationship to consciousness" (Fadiman and Frager, p. 64). It is through psychic symptoms that we are able to obtain glimpses of the unconscious at work. To a great degree, it is the unconscious that is in charge of the psyche. It is the unconscious that often causes us to behave in manners incongruent with what is considered healthy or appropriate by the conscious mind. For example, the act of consistently choosing partners that betray, or friends that disappoint, may be viewed as behavior from the unconscious. It is apparent that our conscious mind would never choose these painful and repetitive patterns. Yet they happen, time and time again. The responsibility for these maladaptive phenomena lies within the unconscious. What can be done about the seemingly endless patterns, often left over from childhood, is to work toward healthy integration and compassionate acceptance. It is my belief this is best done in psychotherapy. Back to top Healing with the Earth It is crucial at this point in our evolution to realize that we are not separate from nature, but are indeed an integral part of it. Humanity must shift from an anthropocentric paradigm to an eco-centric paradigm in the strongly hope that our species will continue and our planet may thrive. In Iroquois philosophy there is a law: In every deliberation we must consider the impact on the seventh generation. Since we are both connected to as well as a component of nature (and incidentally, stand to do the most harm of every species), it behooves psychology to assist us in deeply understanding this urgent message. The theory behind our acting on behalf of nature is that damaging the macrocosm of the earth ultimately harms our individual microcosms. Back to top Environmentally Caused Maladies According to a Center for Disease Control study, ten percent of American women and four percent of American men take antidepressant drugs. Concurrently, the state of the world continues down a perilous path of self-destruction. I believe there is a correlation between the way in which we treat our external environment and our depressed inner states of being. The damage we impart on other humans and the more-than-human-world (Abram, 1997) should not be overlooked as one possible cause for neurosis, addictive behavior, child abuse, depression, and other mental disorders. To work with these environmentally caused maladies, it is strongly suggested that we work together with nature to (once again) come to the ultimate realization that we are not separate from, but are indeed one with the natural world. Pathways to Integration In essence, the goal is to enter a state of wholeness or unity with the earth. Some possibilities for coexisting within this mindset include performing ritual inclusive of nature, being a good steward of the earth, vision quests, meditating in a natural setting, communing safely with plant and animal wildlife, and walking in nature as a personal (spiritual) practice. Back to top Suffering, Trauma and Psychotherapy To integrate suffering and trauma, the experience must first be told to someone. More than told, however, it needs to be deeply heard. The experience and feelings of the trauma need to be acknowledged and affirmed. A psychotherapist plays an important role in the simple act of listening. The telling of the traumatic event cannot be hurried, as trust must first be present. We will tell our story as trust develops. Our experience must be believed, validated, and feel accepted by our therapist's lack of judgment. Furthermore, we must know that our story will be held in the strictest of confidence. We must be assured of our absolute safety within the setting of our chosen therapeutic container. The text Modern Psychology and Ancient Wisdom by Sharon G. Mijares, PhD, speaks to rage, boundaries, disempowerment, and sexual abuse. It is my belief that getting in touch with feelings around sexual abuse and disempowerment allows the abuse survivor to feel the rage and broken boundaries and begin the healing process. There may always be a traumatized aspect to the abused individual, but it takes on new meaning in the light of empowerment felt through the archetype of the wounded healer. Back to top As stated by Mijares: "Rage is a natural attribute meant to protect boundaries. It is linked with instinctive power. Getting in touch with this rage at a deep archetypal level doesn’t mean that women [or men] need to act out violently. It empowers them to have a presence that dispels abuse by its very nature. This protective power is accessed from deep in the belly area of the body." (Mijares, p. 85). Deeply feeling and acknowledging the rage and suffering left over from childhood abuse is one way to become whole. It is a form of respecting the self, loving the self, and acquiring embodied knowledge that the abuse was a grave injustice. Rage therefore provides a path to walk with integrity and a more authentic existence. It may not be pleasant, but ignoring the rage is to suppress it and create a false sense of reality. Back to top Healing the BodyMind Along with storytelling, bodycentered psychotherapy is another way to access the deeper and oft-suppressed emotional content of the psyche. The body has for so long been ignored, especially within the context of the Western patriarchal worldview. I am pleased to read in Modern Psychology and Ancient Wisdom: reclamation of the body is a source of healing. Somatic psychotherapy holds that the body contains emotional intelligence, as well as trauma, and the way to healing is by accessing these repressed energies through the physical body. Traveling A Healing Path In my current work as a psychotherapy intern at Haight Ashbury Free Clinic Inc. in San Francisco, I am honored to sit with those struggling with both substance abuse issues as well as clinically diagnosed mental disorders. I co-facilitate two groups and also see people for individual therapy. My fellow travelers suffer from all forms of child and adult abuse: betrayal, shame, Winnicot's annihilation, painful memories stored in the unconscious, separation from Mother Earth, distance from their bodies, and invalidated emotions. As we travel together down the healing path, I sit in non-judgment as I deeply listen to their stories. It is intensely challenging and incredibly fulfilling to work with such courageous souls. I am hopeful as we endeavor to bring forth their inner-healer. 　 Danny Buskirk is a psychotherapy intern at the Haight Ashbury free clinic in San Francisco, California dannybuskirk@yahoo.com References Abram D. (1996). The spell of the sensuous: perception and language in a more-than-humanworld. New York: Random House. Fadiman J. and Frager R.(2005). Personality and personal growth: sixth edition. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education Inc. Firman, J. and Gila, A. (2002). Psychosynthesis: a psychology of the spirit. Albany, NY: State University of New York Press. Mijares, S. (Ed.). (2003). Modern psychology and ancient wisdom: psychological healing practices from the world's religious traditions. Birmingham, NY: The Haworth Press, Inc. Back to top Humbly starting in 1989 as the Adult Survivors of Incest Foundation, The Morris Center has grown to become an international resource for adult survivors of neglect, physical, sexual,and/or emotional abuse over the past 20 years. The Morris Center receives no government funding and is comprised entirely of volunteers. , if you like what you see and have benefited from this e-mail newsletter or other recovery materials provided by The Morris Center, please make a donation now. Any amount will help. Back to top The Morris Center | P.O. Box 14477 | San Francisco, CA 94114 ascanewseditor@gmail.com | www.ascasupport.org EmailNow powered by Emma |
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In this holiday season, we send our sincere hope that your days are filled with well-being. We invite you to come visit us through our online forums and e-meetings if you would like to receive or give some support during the holidays. Introductory Issue... -What is ASCA? -Purpose of ASCA -Who uses ASCA? -History of ASCA -How can I start an ASCA group? -Please take our survey -About this newsletter You are receiving this e-mail newsletter because at some point in the past you expressed interest in receiving more information about the ASCA self-help support group program. We intend this first newsletter to be a useful reintroduction/review of The Morris Center and the ASCA program. Included are key aspects of our program with real resources you can use now. What is ASCA? ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) is an international, psychologically based, self-help support group program, designed specifically for adult survivors of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse or neglect. ASCA is a highly effective program which consists individual and group component. We offer survivors the opportunity to participate in virtual asynchronous meetings via our website, as well as live in-person support group meetings. We support the meetings with high- quality recovery literature created especially for adult survivors of child abuse. The Survivor to Thriver manual is the workbook for the three stage recovery program of ASCA that can be downloaded for free or purchased and delivered to you. Back to top Purpose of ASCA The Morris Center created ASCA in order to guarantee access to a superior program focused on recovery from childhood abuse irrespective of any survivor's financial situation. ASCA supports and assists individuals to transform their self identities from victims, to survivors, to thrivers. Our mission is to reach out to and provide support for as many survivors of child abuse as possible and to encourage the growth of ASCA support group meetings around the world. Please join us in our mission by contributing what you can. The Morris Center needs you to survive and thrive. Who uses ASCA? ● Individuals practicing the ASCA program privately, or online through the forums ● Those practicing the ASCA program in conjunction with ASCA self-help support ● Those using parts of ASCA with their individual or group psychotherapy process. ● Mental health and social services organizations looking to initiate a support submitting your group program for adult survivors of child abuse. Back to top History of ASCA In 1993, The Morris Center began collaborating with a team of respected therapists and community volunteers to design and implement our first ASCA meetings in the San Francisco Bay Area. We have continued to update and evolve the program in conjunction with solid research, testing, and participant feedback. In 1999 the Morris center decided to host all ASCA materials online with the inauguration of our website. Individuals and groups may download and use any materials they consider helpful to their recovery efforts, free of charge. Back to top How can I start an ASCA group? We offer ASCA to all members of the survivor community, as well as to professional caregivers and care giving organizations working with survivors of child abuse. Everything you need to start your own group is right on our website. Join us in our mission so that we may continue to reach out to other survivors and extend the ASCA program to those who desperately need quality recovery resources. Any amount you are able to gift will help. Join us in our mission. Back to top If your organization would like us to host a presentation on the ASCA program at your facility, or if you need some support starting an ASCA group, please contact us. Peace and Goodwill, ASCA Newsletter Editor Back to top About this newsletter The purpose of your ASCA newsletter is to: ● cultivate our community ● share information, creative work, and resources with each other ● inspire the growth of ASCA self-help support groups ● encourage volunteerism and financial contributions It is our hope that much of our content will be user generated. We look forward to future submissions of content by survivors of child abuse, their loved ones, and professional care providers. We will have guidelines for submitting your resources, information, and creative work in the next issue. In the meantime, please take our survey and let us know what you want! We need your help! Please be sure to give us your feedback by taking our survey. P.O. Box 14477 | San Francisco, CA 94114 US |
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ASCA NEWS -- FEBRUARY 2003 * THE MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE P.O. BOX 14477 . SAN FRANCISCO . CA . 94114 E-MAIL: TMC_ASCA@DNAI.COM . WEB PAGE : WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . PHONE: 415.928.4576 * APPEARING BI-MONTHLY, THE ASCA NEWS IS EDITED BY JONO SCHNEIDER SEND SUBMISSIONS, REQUESTS, QUESTIONS TO OPENEDEND@AOL.COM. THANKS! ____________________________________________________________________________________ CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS : "THE INNER CHILD" What is this "inner child" that people speak of? And how does it apply to "me"? One of the problems of being abused as a child is that one's own emotional growth is stunted even as one moves out of childhood and into adulthood. Thus, even when we act as adults in an adult world, we may feel like we are still children – and we may actually act towards the world as if we are still children (the abused children that we were). The child we were (and still, in a sense, are) is the child within us that needs to speak, that needs to voice now what it never could say then, when we were being abused. Please send commentaries, experiences, questions, etc. on the topic of the inner child to openedend@aol.com for publication in an upcoming issue of the ASCA News! ____________________________________________________________________________________ IN THIS ISSUE… An interview with Rana, who facilitates several ASCA Meetings in South Africa; Rana also co- directs a non-profit organization, Wo+men Against Child Abuse, that takes aim at Child Abuse as a social condition. Rana talks about both the personal and the political aspects of recovery, and the personal challenges survivors face as they try to reconcile their present lives with their past causes. Poetry and an essay by Laurie Frye. Laurie shares her poems and analyses them, using the knowledge she has gained from working on her own abuse issues as a member of ASCA. A particularly insightful critique of identifying with one's abuser to protect oneself, Laurie provides us with a crucial understanding of how this phenomenon works. ____________________________________________________________________________________ THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 1 INTERVIEW WITH RANA Jono : You are one of 3 directors the Director of a non-profit organization, Wo+men Against Child Abuse. What is the mission of the organization? Can you tell me how you came to doing this kind of work, and, subsequently, how you linked up with ASCA? Rana: Our Mission Statement is to fight child abuse by striving to stop emotional, violent and sexual exploitation of children; and to advocate change in law and social policy and create public awareness. (See our website for more in-depth information on our projects and initiatives - www.wmaca.org) My co-founding Wo+men Against Child Abuse was purely "selfish" and twofold. Firstly, I wanted to make not only a career change but also a life change. Being actively involved in the Corporate Retail environment under the Senior Management umbrella, I was appalled at the lack of integrity regarding basic human dignity. As part of the senior management team, I was expected to follow the behavioral guidelines, which top management deemed appropriate and which were in total contrast to my own beliefs and attitude. So after climbing the corporate ladder and gaining unprecedented heights, I realized that my own integrity far outweighed the desire to remain within that 'abusive' environment. The second reason for my co-founding Wo+men Against Child Abuse is a personal one. As a survivor of child abuse myself, I wanted to make a difference and possibly make the 'process' easier for others. To help the healing process, I wanted to use my own understanding of the pain, shame, guilt and the hundreds of other psychological issues that adult survivors of abuse face on a daily basis. South Africa is only beginning to understand and acknowledge the carnage that child abuse leaves in its wake. It was for this reason that I had to look elsewhere for help pertaining to adult survivors. I searched the internet and found ASCA. What impressed me most about ASCA THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 2 was that the information was freely available for me to download and subsequently use immediately - I did not have to re-invent the wheel – and the information was clear and concise and made so much sense. Jono : How many ASCA meetings has your organization started? And how do you go about populating the meetings? Rana: I originally started the first-ever ASCA group in March 2000 which ran for one and a half years. My second group started in June 2002 and will continue well into 2003. I also "managed" an ASCA group in Durban - this group started in January 2001 and ended mid 2002. (I have chosen not to "re-start" this group because I simply do not have the manpower at the moment) I also ran a "closed" ASCA for medical professionals (doctors, nurses, psychologists, social workers etc.) - this group also started in January 2001 and ended mid 2002. So, all in all, I have run 4 ASCA groups. I have an extensive marketing and media background, so I use the media to "populate" the meetings. I send out press releases at the beginning of a "new" meeting and depending on the response re-send a couple of months later. (see press release attached at the end of the article.) Jono : Are the meetings a natural extension of the work you do at Wo+men Against Child Abuse? Rana: Absolutely. It would be irresponsible of us, as an organisation, not to offer help to adult survivors knowing what the adult repercussions are. A statistic that motivates us (me) to work with adults is that 89% of children who are sexually abused will abuse themselves, their partners and/or their children as adults. This holistic understanding compels us to work with adult survivors who were not fortunate enough to receive early psychological intervention. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 3 Jono: In a recent e-mail to the ASCA Board, you brought up a concern about how survivors practically take what they are learning and understanding about themselves in ASCA into the "real" world. If I understand you correctly (and maybe you could give me some context here), your concern is in the application of ASCA outside of ASCA -- how does going to the meetings and sharing these difficult experiences from childhood allow us to live better lives? Could you talk a little bit about the importance of this application, and where you see specific challenges arise in the ASCA groups that you attend and facilitate? Rana: My question to Jessy (Jessy Keiser, the President of the ASCA Board – ed.) was a little more specific. Here are some examples: · In ASCA, survivors are "taught" how to give and receive supportive feedback. Unfortunately what we receive in terms of feedback or simple communication in the outside world does not fall within a nurturing, supportive, affirming context. There seems to be a conflict between what and how they communicate within the "safe" environment of the group and how differently they communicate and are communicated to outside the group. 2) Survivors are empowering themselves and taking responsibility for their healing in a very safe, supportive and compassionate environment - they are able to share and express their feelings without judgement, they are able to share their ambitions, hopes and dreams with encouragement, they are able to drop their masks and be authentic etc. But there is a struggle, a paradox if you will, in that they are not necessarily unconditionally supported or encouraged, or understood, or unconditionally accepted in the world outside ASCA. I suppose what I am saying is that it is very difficult to have the sweet taste of unconditional acceptance, non judgement, compassion, understanding because this can easily turn bitter outside of ASCA. Jono: On the Wo+men Against Child Abuse website (www.wmaca.org), in the press releases section, there are a number of wonderful articles on the subject of child abuse and its social, psychological THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 4 and political effects on the individual (readers, take note!). One of the articles, "Adult Survivor of Child Abuse Repercussions", does a wonderful job of showing how being abused as children makes life difficult for adults later in life. Can you talk a bit about this particular phenomenon, and how, in your experience, resolving childhood issues makes adult life more livable for survivors? Rana: Wow - what a complex question!!!!! I am going to attempt to answer it from a personal perspective as opposed to a theoretical one. I carried a heavily laden red wagon of beliefs and feelings into adulthood that I needed to literally unload in order to become a functioning adult. My red wagon was piled high with inappropriate beliefs and feelings of guilt, shame, responsibility/blame, rage, pain, betrayal, aloneness, disgust, desperation, sinfulness, fear, worthlessness, and depression, etc. My red wagon was extremely heavy, but I willingly chose to have it ever present because it validated and confirmed how I felt about myself. My red wagon was overflowing with feelings and beliefs that reflected/mirrored my inappropriate sense of self. My abused sense of self. It was only when I started therapy 6 years ago, with an amazing clinical psychologist, that I gingerly began to unload my red wagon. What drove me to therapy was an innate knowing that there was something "better". My process began before I co-founded Wo+men Against Child Abuse and it was because of therapy that I was/am strong enough to do the work I do. My process began with removing one inappropriate belief, or unexpressed feeling, at a time from my red wagon – such as "I believed I was responsible for being abused". This was/is a blatantly inappropriate belief in childhood and an equally dysfunctional and debilitating belief to take into adulthood. This belief in adulthood covered me under a blanket of shame that keep me feeling worthless and undeserving. Removing this belief from my wagon lightened my load considerably and has allowed me to place blame where it appropriately belongs - with my perpetrators. So yes, I honestly believe that dealing with and resolving my childhood issues literally saved my life. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 5 Removing those false and often inappropriate beliefs from my wagon has made me a functional adult who still has a way to go - but one who has come a long way. Jono : What is it about the ASCA program itself that you believe allows people to face their abused pasts? Are there particular aspects of safety in ASCA's structure that give people the strength to disclose their hidden experiences? Rana: There are a few elements that facilitate healing in the ASCA process. For me, the 8 guidelines create an environment that, by their sheer design, allow survivors to deal with their abused past. Any consistently created environment that also instils a very real sense of safety will certainly make the healing process easier - feeling physically and emotionally safe is the first step in letting go of the past. Safety plays an enormous role in allowing survivors to disclose and liberate themselves from their past. But I think the acceptance, the non-judgement, the understanding, the nurturing, and the knowing of fellow survivors in the group is also extremely supportive of disclosure. Knowing that others have gone through what you have gone through, knowing that others understand and acknowledge where you are at without reprimand, without dismissal, is amazingly empowering and equally encouraging. Jono: As the co-secretary of the meeting, how do you see your role with respect to creating a place for survivors to share? Rana: I take creating a safe environment for survivors to share very seriously. I have, unfortunately, experienced tremendous pain in an un-safe and un-supported environment and that is probably why I take creating a safe environment so seriously. I understand the tremendous damage an un- safe environment can cause and I think that is why I was so drawn to the ASCA process - it not THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 6 only immediately establishes safety in group but also teaches and allows survivors to take responsibility for creating their own safety. Jono : And how do you carry your own recovery in relation to your role as co-secretary? Rana: This was a tough one for me in the beginning. For the first 4 or 5 months I distanced myself as a "survivor" and only saw myself as the facilitator (we use the term "facilitator" instead of "co- secretary"). I very conveniently excluded myself from the potential healing of the group - once again my "unworthy" belief reared its ugly head and I sincerely believed that the benefits of ASCA were meant for others, other survivors - not me. I was resistant to this "truth" because it took me back in subtle ways to my childhood feelings of worthlessness, but the more I processed it the more I came to acknowledge and accept that this was the case. I was compelled to share this "truth" with the group, and I must admit, I received very affirming and supportive feedback - and I have not looked back since. So now, I both share and participate as a survivor and also facilitate as a co-secretary. Jono : How many people, on average, attend the groups you run? Is the attendance consistent? If so, what do you think allows this to be so? If not, what are your theories as to why it is difficult for people to stay with the program and continue to fight their early abuse? Rana: The first group (2000 - 2001) I ran started with 35 survivors - but dwindled down and averaged out to about 12. The current group (2001 - 2002) started with 27 survivors - and has averaged out to about 22. I believe the reason that "we" lose survivors is because of the hard and often painful work that has to be done. I think the tremendous potential to heal is an equal component for the "drop- THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 7 out" rate. I believe it takes a tremendous amount of courage to join a support group - this courage is always acknowledged but not always heard. Some survivors are really committed; I have survivors from the first group in my second group. Others struggle with the perceived overwhelming pain that being in ASCA can release. It can be very scary for people to look at and acknowledge the "damage" of their childhood. It can be equally scary to acknowledge that they can now choose to move from victim to survivor to thriver. I also believe that many survivors have an expectation of a quick fix that is often unreasonable. I have found that survivors start to "drop out" from Step 4 .... I find this is where their commitment to their healing process is severely tested. Jono : Lastly, what are your future plans to continue to promote both ASCA as well as your own organization? Rana: There is an enormous need for ASCA in our rural areas, and I have 5 (five) university students currently working on researching how to get ASCA into those areas. They have until February 2003 to come up with an implementation plan for expanding ASCA into those far reaching areas. They have also been tasked with translating ASCA into our 7 African languages in order for the implementation to work in the rural areas. As far as Wo+men Against Child Abuse is concerned - we will continue to fight for the rights of children (and adult survivors) who suffer tremendous injustices at the hands of their perpetrators. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 8 BELOW IS A PRESS RELEASE FROM RANA. SHE SENDS THESE OUT WHEN STARTING UP A NEW ASCA MEETING: HELP AND HEALING @ HAND Wo+men Against Child Abuse, in association with The Morris Center in San Francisco, will be facilitating the first ever Adult Survivor Of Child Abuse (ASCA) Support Group in this country. The ASCA support group is specifically designed for survivors of emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse. The ASCA dynamic was devised by Psychologists and Care Professionals who specialize in the adult ramifications and repercussions of being abused as a child. Both an individual component and a group component comprise the support groups structure. The Wo+men Against Child Abuse ASCA Support Group's main aim is offer assistance to survivors of child abuse to move on with their lives, gently encouraging them to transform their self-identities from victims, to survivors, to thrivers. The ASCA Support Group provides survivors with: Ø A Survivor To Thriver Manual Ø A confidential forum Ø A non-judgmental environment Ø Freedom to draw on the groups strength and experiences ("been there") Ø Offers hope and encouragement Ø Respectful, nurtured and cared for atmosphere Ø Resource Library The group will convene every Wednesday evening. th Starting 19 June 2002. VENUE: Wo+men Against Child Abuse 6 June Avenue Bordeaux Randburg TIME: 19h00 to 20h30pm. First time survivors need to attend their first meeting at 6pm… Contact: Rana (011) 789-8815 or 082 826 1189 or rana@wmaca.org ____________________________________________________________________________________ THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 9 IDENTIFICATION WITH THE ABUSER AND ITS CONSEQUENCES REGARDING AUTHENTIC SEXUAL SELF EXPRESSION AS EXPLORED THROUGH COMPARING TONE, CONTENT AND THEMES OF M Y EROTIC POETRY BEFORE AND DURING CHILD ABUSE RECOVERY BY LAURIE LACY FRYE Before you read my contribution, I'd like to give you a bit of background on myself. I only came to ASCA last summer, but I had been in various other 12 step programs and support groups for most of my adult life. For the last few years my family of origin has been dying off at an astounding rate (the crushing forces of sexual and emotional abuse take their toll in one way or another). I literally stumbled into my current meeting (Thursday nights in Berkeley, California) after being triggered by seeing a movie. I was looking for any kind of meeting, but, lo and behold! I ended up exactly where I needed to be. I am working my program hard and starting to get some memories of events that have been the hardest for me to face: my father's sexual abuse of me -- which is the core theme of my poetry analysis. SANDY SHEETS Salty seas from beyond our knees exist ebbing and flowing in the early morning when you are gone. Knowing that when it is finally light I can bury my head, breathing deep and hear the Seagull's flight Wheeling and soaring as it was set free by us lovers Sweating and cumming under the covers and swimming in each other's lagoons. The power of the hours radiates and reflects in the Night's tide pools—clear little tubs where the "I love you" rests, waiting for the rise of the next blue mo on. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 10 Faintly smelling of tossed up seaweeds, The pleads and needs do not leave until you join me Back under these blankets When I plan to sweep you away gently pulling and towing, until with passion growing a wave rushes With the force of midnight Breaking upon your beach which reeks and speaks That oceans of emotions do abide in this bed Now and tomorrow, for as long as we are together and the white dawns keep rolling in. CAN I E VEN? Can I even, can I even, can I even cum? The once powerful rhythm for my orgasm Has become the antagonist in a great phantasm The confidant lover pumping out the heat under the cover Of another's pop… is gone. It turns out that I was so into his ejaculation, I quietly slid into negation of my pleasure. That is the rub of this bum, bum bummer of a summer So now what guys, gals, whomever? Who will brave the fallen one's heaven? Try the frail reality of my imperfect normality? THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 11 I am trying and crying my way through this stew Who knows, perhaps it will be you, who Can be kind and not feed my loop, shoot the rapid of my tears Calm away my fears And help the tide rise for real from this passionate soul so scared And concealed from a true way to love The first poem, Sandy Sheets, is a typical example of my 1980s work. I had been having tons of sex for about a decade in an unconscious effort to normalize my abuse and seek some good feelings. The over-all tone of the poem is one of calm, thoughtful, contemplation, and observation. Note the attention paid to alliteration, meter, etc. I want to be taken seriously; I want the reader to think, "Hey, this is a good poem"…even though the poem is totally about my obsession with sex and how it must equal love. The content of this poem is delivered as a summary of the cognitive structures that I use to create the fantasy bond to the (love) object. I manipulate smell associations with sweat, old semen, and soiled bedding into becoming sea-weed, the beach, etc; then I use selective memory to only replay positive parts of the experience as demonstrated by the lack of anything negative (when I know damn well that there was often physical discomfort involved); and finally I project into the future in order to mentally prepare myself for the continuation of the experience. In fact, I’ve brought a lot of intellectual resources to creating what is basically an affidavit of my sensuality. (Q: And why would I need to do that? A: So that I can keep holding myself culpable in an intense sexual situation: I’m just "so-o-o-o into it" that the other person is completely absolved of any role what so ever. This is deep.) Now to explore the themes. This is where the identification with the abuser and how I assume his perspective becomes more obvious. What at first glance looked like clever metaphors about the smell of sex being the refreshing ocean breeze, now reveals an abundance of domination as reflected in the words, "bury", "under the covers", "power", "needs", "force", "breaking", "now and tomorrow", etc. So, the THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 12 natural consequence of this subliminal message is that the voice of opposition must also speak. I hear my little girls voice piping in with words like "finally light", "I love you", "little tubs", "pleads", "reeks", etc. So, with two different non-contemporary (to the 80's) voices expressing themselves in these ways, I believe that as much as I wanted this poem to be hip, and "really me", I was not coming from a place of authentic sexual self -expression. Consider even the title: Sandy Sheets?! How comfortable does that sound? Why would I think that was a desirable place to spend my time? Oh , well… This next poem Can I Even? is significantly less concerned with the pretense of propriety as demonstrated by the much more risky tones of questioning, dissatisfaction (being pissed off), and ultimately, vulnerability. Even though there is still strong metering and rhythm the content reflects a current voice deconstructing the fantasy bond through the cognitive functions of analysis, integration, and finally, examination of the results. I now have control over my themes by choosing the words, "cum", "antagonist", "pumping", and "pop"…to expose the perpetrator inside me; and similarly reveal the exposed core "Me" with words like "brave", "frail", "imperfect", "trying", "crying", "scared", etc. I feel this is an authentic, if somewhat tattered, sexual self-expression. In closing, I am compelled to note that I still have the tendency to look for an outside source to come along and help with the whole loving thing, but at least I am no longer confusing that love with an internalized acceptance of abuse. ____________________________________________________________________________________ IN THE NEXT ISSUE… · Artwork and commentary by John Nolette. · Poetry by Bob Roberts. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . FEB 2003. PAGE - 13 |
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ASCA NEWS -- DECEMBER 2002 * THE MORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE P.O. BOX 14477 . SAN FRANCISCO . CA . 94114 E-MAIL: tmc_asca@dnai.com . WEB PAGE : www.ascasupport.o rg . PHONE: 415.928.4576 * APPEARING BI-MONTHLY, THE ASCA NEWS IS EDITED BY JONO SCHNEIDER SEND SUBMISSIONS, REQUESTS, Q UESTIONS TO OPENEDEND@AOL.COM. THANKS! ____________________________________________________________________________________ FROM THE ASCA BOARD … The ASCA Board of Directors is excited to announce a new e-newsgroup for all current and past co-secretaries. Stu (in Chicago) has volunteered to maintain our e-group site. Although this e-group will be primarily self-moderated, Jessy (in San Francisco) along with other ASCA veterans, will both participate in and help facilitate the discussions. This e-newsgroup will allow ASCA support group facilitators around the world to ask each other questions and discuss ideas on how to improve meetings. We will also exchange ideas on areas such as Rotation Topics, handling difficult interventions, increasing membership, and promoting community and individual growth for our members. If you are interested in being included in this ASCA Co-secretary e-group, please send your e- mail address to "asca-chicago@mindspring.com". Be sure to state which meeting you co-facilitate (or used to facilitate). ____________________________________________________________________________________ IN THIS ISSUE… Part II of the interview with Stu F., from the Chicago area, continued from the October issue. Stu and Jono discuss ASCA membership and attendance, and what Stu has found useful as co-secretary to keep the meetings both safe and fruitful for its members. Poetry by James Daniel and fiction by Thomas Taylor. Both pieces take an unflinching look at abuse from the child's point of view; both pieces use literature to great effect, speaking (to) the difficulty of a child's experience in being abused (the child being unable to cope with what that abuse means). ____________________________________________________________________________________ THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 1 INTERVIEW WITH STU, PART II Jono: ASCA is not as populated a program as, for example, 12-step meetings, for a variety of reasons, one of which, it seems to me, has to do with the difficulty of confronting originary childhood pain. That said, you are doing a remarkable job, and I know your ambition is to have a meeting going each night of the week in the Chicago area. How do you plan to do this? How have you been able to attract people to ASCA and keep them there? Stu: I have been evolving a marketing strategy for about a year now. I’ve spent my entire adult life in business (a result of the abuse I received as a child – my true passion was music), so I have a lot of experience in building and running a business. I am by no means a top-notch business person, nor do I want to be. But I did it for many years, so something rubbed off. Firstly, it seems to me there are three groups of survivors: 1) people who don’t know they were abused as children; 2) people who know they were abused, but who are not getting help; 3) and people who know they were abused and ARE getting help. I think there is a different strategy for each of these groups. So part of what I am currently doing is developing the strategy for each of them, individually. I believe the easiest group to work with, with regards to establishing an ASCA presence in the Chicago area, is to attract the last group, the people who KNOW they were abused and who are currently getting help. To reach them I speak about our meetings at every recovery environment I attend or come in contact with: from one to three 12 Step meetings a week; my New Warrior's groups and network (approx. 800 men in the Chicago area); my therapist's network of women who are doing gender-healing / transformational work (the Women Within organization, also numbering in the hundreds of members in the Chicago area); I have provided our meeting THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 2 attendees with flyers to distribute to THEIR other recovery groups; broadcast emails I send out 1-4 times per month to people in my database who I know are sensitive to this issue; I’ve telephoned some local hospitals and social service agencies; I have created a list of types of organizations which are likely to desire knowing of this resource (although have not contacted them, as of yet); I have gotten our meetings listed in "The Directory of Self-Help Organizations" published by the Illinois Department of Mental Health (a copy of which is usually purchased by most public libraries, schools, universities, and social service organizations); our meeting listings on ASCA's website; and word of mouth. My plan of how to grow the number of meetings is: to Co-Secretary the current two meetings until they have grown sufficiently such that there is a very strong tradition within them, and that they will sustain their own rate of growth as a result of being healthy meetings. At the same time, it will be necessary for additional individuals who desire to go deeper into making ASCA a strong community in Chicago, to step forward to begin to work as Co-Secretaries for the current two meetings. I will spend time mentoring them until they are running the meetings well. As this progresses, I will then choose another evening on which to create a new meeting, and begin the whole process all over again, until there are at least seven meetings in the Chicago area, one each day of the week. And then there's CAMP ASCA……………….. :-) (sound interesting?) With regards to attracting people and keeping them coming -- I have been extremely passionate about ASCA's program and when I speak with anyone about it, they just seem to get enthused themselves……… ……Listen, it's something I really believe in. And I am pursuing myself, whether they come along or not. Not that I’m being manipulative by having that attitude, but I think that that attitude of independence is powerful to someone who is seeking help but is also THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 3 skeptical of the "seller's" motives. I just tell them "listen, there's no money in this for me. I just need an environment in which to do my own recovery work. If you’d like to come, I’d love to have you……..but either way, I’m going about taking care of myself." I think people are intrigued when they find something that's working for someone else, at least enough to check into it further. As far as keeping them there, everyone has come to our meetings with such passion about how this has effected their lives, that it's pretty simple – our meetings are just SAFE and HONEST…………..and THEY CAN SPEAK ABOUT WHATEVER THEY NEED TO. There are many other recovery meetings, from other organizations, in which there are un-written rules about what can be said and what cannot be said. You can’t take people's defense mechanisms away from them – they have to be ready to surrender them, of their own volition, in their own time. Their defenses are there for good reasons – to help them take care of themselves. If you try to take people's defense mechanisms away from them, they only will feel under attack, and fight to keep them……….not a good strategy in working with survivors. So our meetings are loving, supportive, safe, and allow the individual to control their OWN pace and content of recovery. This has been a powerful experience for all of us…………….and has kept all of our friends coming back, so far. Jono: ASCA, as you know, is not group therapy, although its effects on its participants is very therapeutic , as it allows members to express long-repressed childhood feelings in a nurturing and encouraging environment. How do you relate to this idea? Do you see a therapist, and, if so, how do you integrate your therapy issues with what you speak about in ASCA? THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 4 Stu: My whole life I’ve wanted to shout, to scream about what happened to me, but nobody wanted to hear it…………they either explicitly told me that they didn’t want to hear about it "anymore", or they were bored and would leave me when I wanted to speak about it, or they would SHAME ME for not "getting past it, already………when are you going to let dead dogs die?" Even therapists I’ve had did not want to allow me to talk about my past, or didn’t place high value on it. As a result, I just felt MORE shame and frustration over the years………..and hopeless. It is ESSENTIAL to speak about what happened, for this reason: the "ways" we are today ARE DIRECTLY as a result of actions, decisions and thinking we evolved, as a result of what happened "yesterday". And yesterday's "ways of being" were the results of what happened "the day before ‘yesterday’". So the way we are today, which is making us miserable and possibly even sick, is DIRECTLY as a result of what occurred in the past, and the thinking we developed as a result of those experiences. What our families and "friends" have done by preventing us from sharing and reworking what occurred, was to prevent us from re-writing our "stinking thinking" along the way, which would have allowed us to heal and move on. They un-wittingly prevented us from growing and healing, which was what they overtly were saying they wanted for us – our growth and healing. But instead, their actions had the reverse effect – depriving us of our getting past the traumas. The truth for ME is that they (family, friends, therapists, whoever) didn’t want to hear about my sadness, because they themselves did not want to remember their own traumas.………so me trying to have them listen to mine was just too painful for them. ASCA FINALLY welcomes, gives permission and encourages this healing process…….a complete departure from what "I" THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 5 always got, anyway. ALL my feelings and memories are honored and accepted in my ASCA recovery, and it's been a blessing. I AM back in therapy. I found a new therapist in October 2001, who is very sensitive, caring, compassionate, genuine, informed, bright, well-educated………..all characteristics I needed before I would begin therapy again, if ever. I printed off a copy of "Survivor to Thriver" for her, which she promptly read. I bring my manual to my therapy sessions and discuss elements of my current work I’ve written in the manual. I am also incorporating "The Artist's Way" (a program of recovering one's creativity), into my overall program of recovery. I have done extensive work on the SAFETY FIRST! Plan in my manual and therapy, and am using it to establish a sustainable situation for myself before descending completely into all the other emotional issues I need to be working on. My life circumstances are so unstable and disruptive, that I am constantly being derailed. So I must get my "Hot List of Crisis" mostly resolved, to provide me with a safe "nest" for me to do my healing work. The manual has accurately instructed me to do this as the very first, necessary, preliminary work to be accomplished before taking on the rest of my ASCA recovery. So that's what I am currently working on: my financial crisis; housing crisis; legal crisis; and addictions. My therapist is actively helping me address these areas, to get them stabilized, so I can direct my full attention to my emotional resolution work – which I’ve NEVER been able to do because I’ve NEVER resolved these crisis in my life. Indeed, that's my family's history, that their lives have been predominated by their crisis…………..they taught me well. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 6 I have brought my manual and my current struggles with these crisis to my meetings, sharing all the details, and am getting tremendous emotional support, well-wishes, and blessings…………..yeah, now if they’d only give me money :-) I am using my manual as an orderly approach to straightening out my life and moving through my issues in some orderly way, a way that is productive and not more overwhelming than necessary. Jono : How do your groups approach topics for meetings? What discussions have you found particularly fruitful? Stu: Because our meetings are just under 4 months old, we haven’t even covered all the steps yet. But basically, we are following the suggested 3 meeting rotation of "Lead, Step, Topics". All our attendees have always found at least something of value, and usually A LOT of information of value, in whatever it is we read in that evening's meeting, be it a Step or a Topic from the Meeting Support Materials link on the webpage. Recently I’ve been bringing in some small sections from other books, such as "Healing the Child Within", and expect to also use "Soul Survivors" by J. Patrick Gannon, among other resources. The topics in the manual and on the website are a wonderful collection of information - it's my impression people are getting HUGE benefits from everything we are reading………….it's like cold water on a hot frying pan………it's soaked right up. I WILL say that numerous attendees have told me personally and during their meeting's share, that the ASCA meeting is having a profound effect on them; that many of them are starting to have nightmares; that they are having memories they haven’t had for many years; that the THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 7 meetings are going deeper for them than any of the other meetings they are attending. Numerous people feel that they can discuss things at our ASCA meeting that they can’t or won’t discuss at their other recovery meetings. That feels great to me, and I think is a tremendous accomplishment. And that they feel safe in doing so…………..it's fabulous. I couldn’t be happier with what's going on in our meetings. They’re great for me, anyway. Jono: ASCA does not require people to engage socially outside of meetings, but, like 12-step meetings, friendships that begin in ASCA can be extremely supportive and nurturing to one's individual growth. For example, many of my close friends are people with whom I go to ASCA meetings, and these friendships help me integrate my past and my present. How has this experience been for you? What would you say about the quality of these friendships? Stu: Well, because our organization is so new (just 4 months old) I am just getting to the point of beginning to have contact with people outside the meetings, mostly by phone or email. But that's ok…………it's slow and deliberate and cautious and safe. And I feel good about that. I expect that over time my ASCA acquaintances will become some of my most intimate friends. As I heal and am healthier and more available, and as they do the same, I think this period in my life, in ASCA, will end up being the most important time I’ve ever had………..the period in which I was finally able to put the pain of my childhood to rest…………………at least, that's what I’m hoping. I think the friends I’m making at ASCA are going to be some of the closest relationships I’ve ever had in my life. At least I hope so…………….(my ever-present fear – the product of my childhood)…. ____________________________________________________________________________________ THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 8 THE SCALDINGS (HIT FIRST, DON'T ASK LATER) BY JAMES DANIEL "Take a bath." No, I'm afraid to take off my clothes "Come on, come on, you're safe here Just calm down. I'll make some hot water Make some tea You'll see." The water's too hot It's happening again Just what she used to do She said I smelled bad She thought I was filthy She called me a pig She scrubbed off my maleness While she wore a wig. I see her not caring Me falling downstairs Her laughing, her coldness Tension and madness The black narcissus In evil female form Aquamarine, plastic plants Nothing lit, nothing warm. She calling my innocence Synonymous to her darkness Her heart full of hate She likens it to love, how profane! Filling my head with her poison Blinding my eyes to light Mirrors everywhere, candles in cellophane Aquamarine furniture, aquamarine walls. Ketchup falls from a tray Onto her beloved aquamarine carpet She accuses me of malicious intent She tells me to put tea in the cups I tell here I don't know how She says, "Don't be stupid!" I rip bags open and pour out leaves Her rage consumes her, then targets me. Enemas with vaginal douches THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 9 Rape, incest, seductiveness "Don't touch me, get away!" She doesn't want me, but won't let me go Reaching for my genitals Seeing hair between her breasts Running to my room, closing the door Praying to God not to see anymore. "We're doing this for your own good Some day you'll thank us We know that you should We're doing all this for you" "If you would talk to your father Then he wouldn't drink" "Slow down or I'll jump out of this car..." ...As she nears her own brink. "We like your brother better We wish you were born a girl We named you after your crazy Uncle Jimmy who died needlessly But we don't talk about him Your grandmother first gave birth at 12 Your grandpa is your grandma's uncle But we don't talk about them." It's too hot, it's too hot! "No, it's not!" As she pushes me down in the tub Constricting my diaphragm Clenching my ribs Holding my breath under hot water 'Til my feelings can run down the drain, alas, I wish I could follow them, but here I remain. Copyright 2002 James Daniel. ____________________________________________________________________________________ POSSUM BY THOMAS TAYLOR "Time for bed, Timmy." Dutifully he approached his father, giving him an obligatory peck on the cheek while feeling the stubble of his day old shave. "Good night, Timmy," as his dad snapped the paper a little straighter. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 10 "Good night," he replied timidly as he shuffled over to his mother. He felt the wattle of her skin briefly touch him, caressing him with the down of her facial hair. A shudder washed over him as the cloying scent of Chanel #5 overwhelmed him. The cloud left him reeling in a hallucinatory funk as he stumbled towards the stairs. Hesitantly he brought the ladder clattering down as the maw of the opening gaped at him. Unnerved slightly, he crept up the stairs and scurried over to the single cot as hurriedly stripped off his clothes and put on his p.j.'s. They were cold and slightly damp as he huddled under the army blanket trying to stop the shivering. The light glowed weakly against the shadows of the night and the rafters offered hidden dangers. The smell of mold and age suffused everything, alongside all the failed dreams. A thousand age old fears clamored through him as below he heard the sounds diminish one by one until the weight of the quiet pressed in on him—laughing at him and his childish fears. "Hush little baby don’t say a thing cause daddy's going to buy you a diamond ring." He turned off the light and huddled under the covers, swallowing haltingly as his heart started to race. Nervously he began squeezing his legs together as he tried to quell the increasing hysteria within him. What was that? His mouth dried out as he squeezed his legs faster. It felt kind of good as the surging blood in his head pulsed and roared against the silence. And suddenly his body wracked in a spasm as something that looked like yogurt shot out of his penis, catching in his pubic hair and sticking his pajamas to his skin. It was a vaguely familiar sensation as he recalled a girl in shiny clothes encircling him and soaring with him in the inky technicolor of his dreams. Her hair had cocooned him and floated him, but he had awaken in a panic to find her gone with only a stickiness to remind him. He reached down now to smell and taste a little of this fluid. It smelled kind of mushroomy and felt slimy, making his mouth pucker and catching in the back of his throat as he swallowed. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 11 A sudden upswelling of cicadas caused him to freeze, terrified that he might be discovered and punished for soiling his pajamas. And so he waited against the night, rigid with fear until finally, exhausted he fell into the turbulent vortex of dream. A crack of the stair electrified him out of his fitful sleep as the stair springs made a panging sound. The stickiness had now dried and trapped him like that of a spider's silk. Paralyzed he could not turn on the light to drive back the monster as it came ponderously up the stairs. He lay inert—a possum exuding death, but the scent only aroused the massive presence coming towards him. It sat down next to him as its bulk pushed into him. A hand came down on his chest caressing him, warning him. Timmy's fear caught in his throat. Who could he call? A slight trickle of urine escaped Timmy as he fought to breathe. The hand came under the blanket, probing. It was cold, as a shudder hissed from Timmy. "Shh," it said as it pulled up the pajamas, greedily kneading Timmy's stomach and causing a paroxysm of pain in his rigid abdomen. And then the spider delicately tickled its way down and under Timmy's waistband to his shriveled penis. "Noo," Timmy moaned as he sought to scrunch back away from the spider. "Be quiet," it warned as it felt the dried crustiness. "Now you know," it said in a whisper as it pulled the blanket back and took Timmy's trembling penis in its mouth. "Does that feel good?" Shame, fear and pain washed over Timmy as he lay rigid and mute. And then his body betrayed him as he felt his penis grow inside the warm wet cave of its mouth. "I knew you would like it," it said triumphantly. Timmy felt the sandpaper scrape across his chest and smelled the hair gel waft over him. It pulled the blanket back as a rustling caused a zipper to open. The dark became even more blinding as it lowered itself over his face. He felt the tip of a rigid penis brush against his lips and flinched as it insinuated itself into his mouth, the pubic hairs tickled his nose. A hand behind his head THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 12 urged him on, impaling him further and further. Timmy remembered seeing some TV show where a snake was swallowing a big rabbit as he struggled to stay conscious. Where was she? Surely she would hear the noise and take him away to a lovely place, but the silence only heightened the lonely agony of his fear. Its massiveness suffocated him as it quivered and became still. And then its penis pulsed, jerking in Timmy's mouth as wave after wave flooded him with the same thing that had come from Timmy. Timmy tried to wake up, but the dream did not stop as it wrenched from Timmy's mouth and continued to spew over his face and eyes. Tears mingled with the strands of the web that blinded and ensnared Timmy as it pushed him down. "Go to sleep," as it slipped back into the night and Timmy would struggle to breathe whenever fleeting images wound through his tortured nights. It was just a bad dream; after all, mom and dad love him. ____________________________________________________________________________________ IN THE NEXT ISSUE… · An Interview with Rana, one of three directors of the non-profit organization Wo+men Against Child Abuse (www.wmaca.org), and a facilitator/co-secretary of meetings in South Africa. Rana talksabout the mission of her organization and where she sees the role of ASCA in the greater community at large. · Laurie Frye, member of the Thursday night Berkeley group, on her own identification with the aggressive sexual feelings of her father, and the difficulty and confusion of separating out her own real feelings in relation. THE M ORRIS CENTER FOR HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE . WWW.ASCASUPPORT .ORG . ASCA NEWS . DEC 2002 . PAGE - 13 |
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ASCA NEWS -- -- O O -- OCTOBER 2002 2002 * THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse P.O. Box 14477 . San Francisco . CA . 94114 E-mail: tmc_asca@dnai.com . Web Page: www.ascasupport.org . Phone: 415.928.4576 * The ASCA News edited by Jono Schneider; send submissions, requests, questions to openedend@aol.com Poetry edited by James Daniel; send work to RibTurtle @aol.com ____________________________________________________________________________________ From the Editor… Welcome, readers! On Sunday, September 22nd, the Morris Center and the ASCA Board sponsored a Barbecue in Golden Gate Park for members of the ASCA Community. Although the weather was slightly chilly, the San Franciscan fog nibbling at the corners of the afternoon, the sun was shining and much merriment was to be had by the 20-25 attendees. There was good food, good conversation, and even a ferocious game of frisbee! ____________________________________________________________________________________ In this Issue… A short powerful article by Robert S, who attends the Thursday night Berkeley meeting, which touches on inner child issues and the effects of repression that resurface in adult life. As promised, an interview with Stu F., from the Chicago area! Finding ASCA on the web, but with no meetings in his locale, Stu took it upon himself to start two ASCA meetings. I asked Stu about his experience, what drew him to ASCA, and how he both attracts and promotes ASCA in his community. The interview proved so fruitful that it will be given in two parts, with the second part to appear in the November issue… ____________________________________________________________________________________ Little Bobby by Robert Seidler As a child, I suffered severe emotional abuse from a raging, narcissistic woman who had no consideration for my needs. To this day, my mother suffers from a severe case of Narcissistic personality disorder, which is commonly defined as some one who is unable to make an empathetic connection with another human being -- someone who sees all things from the perspective of how they affect them alone. THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 1 She formed me into a tool, through shame and humiliation, to give her the support and love she didn’t get from her birth family; she berated me constantly, making me feel like an encumbrance in her life, and used me daily as a container for her rage and unprocessed feelings. She once told me, when discussing her clinical depression with me, "Robert, we have a history of depression in our family starting with your grandfather, who would occasionally place himself in the VA hospital when he was depressed." I don’t feel that depression can be passed off as the result of an inherited chemical imbalance in the brain; although Seritonin re-uptake inhibitors like Prozac and Paxil can, in fact, quell the anxieties and feelings of helplessness that a severe depression can bring on, it's a bit like trying to rebuild a damaged engine with Engine Rebuild Pellets from the auto supply store: though these chemicals may take away the symptoms, they do nothing to address the core issues buried deep in the personality. My grandfather was raised by a neglecting, raging father who had no consideration for his interests and true feelings. He passed on his unprocessed anger at his father to the little girl that was to become my mother, and she passed it on to me. This abusive child-rearing style is a learned behavior and, without help, is passed on from generation to generation. Alice Miller says. "Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood". Later in life, my repressed feelings from childhood began to surface along with the self-loathing that came from sensing that it was my fault I was so neglected and abused. This feeling of responsibility was the result of a needed suspension of a false belief that my mother was perfect, and, therefore, incapable of treating me in a way that I did not deserve. This idealization of the parent is what Robert Firestone aptly calls "the fantasy bond". Firestone says, "The primary fantasy bond is an illusion of a connection, originally an imaginary fusion or joining with the mothers body, most particularly the breast. The child must conceptualize him or herself as bad or unlovable in order to defend against the realization that the parents are inadequate. Recognition of real faults in the parent would destroy the bond, or imagined connection, and the feeling of imagined self-sufficiency." As a child, sensing my mother's complete inability to meet any of my needs for love and nurturing, I created an idealized version of her, a version that would make me feel safe so that I could survive. Alice Miller says, and I’m paraphrasing, "it's not so much about what specifically happened to you, but more about the fact that you were never able to express the feelings surrounding the abuse". I have done a great deal of work regarding my repressed memories, sadness, and anger, by expressing these feelings in ASCA. Miller says, and I’m paraphrasing again, "in order to get beyond these directive feelings and memories one must share them in the presence of what she calls an enlightened witness"; ASCA provides that for me. Thanks for listening. Robert Seidler THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 2 ____________________________________________________________________________________ Interview with Stu F. Jono: You have started and are the secretary of two meetings in Skokie, IL, in a relatively short period of time. This is a remarkable feat of energy and shows a real commitment to ASCA. Can you explain a bit how you came to starting these meetings and what about ASCA drew you to this program of recovery? Stu: In May 2001 I terminated with the therapist I had been seeing for 4 years. I would really term it an "amputation" rather than a "termination". I was absolutely enraged with him, because after 4 ½ years of treating me, all he could say was that I must be medicated. I absolutely refused -- I just stopped going and had no further contact with him. At this point in my life, I was extremely depressed, decompensated, dysfunctional, angry and untrusting of therapy as a result. I was also extremely suicidal. I was 48 years old, at the time, and I had been in therapy with different therapists since I was 23 -- I had been treated by both MD psychiatrists & psychoanalysts, and Ph.D. psychologists, and had never been able to function without being in a therapeutic relationship. And even then, my functioning was very decompensated. My life wasn’t much fun, to say the least. I had had a psychological breakdown in 1976 and had not (and still have not) recovered functioning in many areas of life that I had before going away to college in 1971. I knew that my emotional problems were caused by the way I was treated in my life and the deep sadness and depression I felt as a result – and not from a chemical imbalance. I knew there were very wrong things done to me when I was a kid, but none of the 8 therapists I had seen in my life EVER looked into them, and as a result, they kept treating the symptoms rather than the problem. Not one suggested I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, caused by childhood abuse. THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 3 I didn’t know what I was going to do. I have struggled greatly with obsessing about suicide my whole life, and again, I found that I had done my best and worked the hardest that I could, to heal myself through therapy, and again it failed. I was at the end………I was seriously thinking of suicide, again. A few months after I amputated my therapy, I was at lunch with one of the two women who I felt safe with from my workplace. We were discussing our childhoods. She told me about some cruelty she had experienced, then I told her a few of my experiences. She said "Stuart, that sounds like severe child abuse". BELLS WENT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said "you know Linda, you’re right. This was not just lousy treatment, this was REAL child abuse". I had lived with the memories and effects for so many years, that I just pooh- pooh’d it. Her saying that to me was an objective observer giving me her real feedback……..and this time I took it seriously. That night I did a search on the web for "child abuse" and "adult survivors". One of the URL links said "Adult Survivors of Child Abuse"………….. EUREKA, I FOUND SOMETHING! There was actually such a thing………..I couldn’t believe it. I immediately went to the link and read the introductory stuff. I was transfixed. I couldn’t believe what I was reading…………I WAS READING ABOUT ME! I began crying. FINALLY, someone or thing or group actually understood what I’ve been saying my whole life, that I couldn’t get anyone to understand, and that no one would listen to. I downloaded the "Survivor to Thriver" manual, printed it out and could not put it down for the next two days. It was the information I had been looking for my whole life; I was never able to put into words what had happened and to say what I needed to say to help me. ASCA………………was ASCA going to be it? I went to the meeting link on the homepage…………..and the only meetings were in California and South Africa……..just my fucking luck. :) (being that I’m in Illinois) THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 4 So I downloaded every piece of material on the ASCA website and read them several times. Everything I read on the website was superb! It was all EXTREMELY SAFE, well thought out, thorough, extremely detailed, logical. Creating a complete program of recovery, including the materials and instructions as to how to create a local organization, was incredible. Absolutely a first rate job. I showed it to my new therapist (as of October 2001), another MS psychologist, and an MD psychiatrist, all of whom thought it was a superb program of recovery. That Friday evening (Sept. 2001), I posted a notice to a website for a community of men I belong to, to see if there were any other guys who had been the victim of child abuse (this posting was to the New Warrior website – a community of men who are dedicated to healing and transforming their lives). This was at about 9:00pm. By 10:30 pm I had received two phone calls and 6 emails. The two men who called me were crying, and the 6 who sent emails to me said they were deeply affected by hearing that I had found a program to help adult survivors. FINALLY, I WAS NOT ALONE. I had been alone with this suffering since I was a child, asking my therapists to help me connect with other people who had what I had, and they never would or could help me find others to share my suffering with (all 8 therapists either never diagnosed me or diagnosed me incorrectly). With two of the people who responded we held two meetings in Nov. 2001. Then they were both unable to continue, for reasons unrelated to the ASCA program. From Dec. 2001 until March 2002, I was left with attending 12 Step meetings and reading the ASCA manual on my own. While attending numerous 12 Step meetings (ACOA and CODA) and during my share, I would say that there was a weekly meeting forming for adults who just wish to focus on recovering from child abuse, if anyone is interested. Numerous people sought me out after the meetings. By March 2002 I had one friend and one other Warrior who were ready to commit to coming weekly. With three of us in attendance, we held the second iteration of our first permanent ASCA meeting on Friday, April 5, 2002. THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 5 Soon other 12 Step acquaintances started to attend, along with some friends of mine, who brought their friends. Other people who knew I was forming this meeting referred people to us; 2 women found our meeting on the ASCA website. We just started getting people coming from different sources. And we were off……………. Two women could not continue on Friday nights due to work conflicts, so I started a second weekly meeting on Sunday mornings. We had two meetings going within the first three months of our efforts. Since we created our standing Friday night meeting, we have had 16 people come to our meetings, 13 of which have come and never left. We average 8 -10 people on Friday evenings and 6-8 folks on Sunday mornings. Many of our attendees are coming to both the FRIDAY AND SUNDAY meetings……………..it's GREAT! These are terrific people who are deeply passionate about healing from the crippling effects of the abuse all of us received as vulnerable children. Every week, at every meeting, I experience a thrill as each one of our attendees walks through the door………..I feel blessed that I have met each of them, and that they are voting with their feet………. that the meetings are becoming an essential part of their lives. It's wonderful. The meetings are going very well. We encourage everyone to share openly and honestly what's in their hearts, and that there is nothing that they can’t speak about in their share. If we CAN’T speak about something we need to at OUR meetings, where CAN we speak about it? No - to curtail speech would be a re-enactment of the initial injuries, woundings and shamings many of us experienced in our childhoods. So we welcome everyone, exactly as they are. And we honor and support them in any way we can. It is the way I have interpreted the intention of the ASCA program, and the manner in which we have enacted ASCA's philosophy in Chicago. And it's been a blessing to all of us here. George, Jessy, Ms Morris, thank you for this wonderful program -- and for putting the entire program on the website for free downloading (truly an act of love by TMC) -- it is the cornerstone of the hopes "I" have for finally making a THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 6 life for MYSELF, after spending a lifetime of not getting what I wanted and needed to recover. I can’t thank you enough. I know the other survivors here in Chicago feel the same way. While sorting out how to proceed in my recovery last year, I called Dr. Charles Whitfield (author of "Healing the Child Within") to ask if he could suggest a therapist for me in the Chicago area. During the course of our conversation he inquired if I availed myself of ACOA. I told him not only was I attending ACOA, but I had found a fantastic, complete program of recovery explicitly for adult survivors on the web. He was very interested in it and I gave him ASCA's web address. I described a little about the program, and based on what we spoke about, he said the program sounded very interesting. I felt excited at his reaction – it felt encouraging to me that he, as an authority in the field of recovery from child abuse, had a positive reaction to what I shared with him. Jono: What particular childhood issues do you see yourself as recovering from? How does the ASCA format -- either in form or content (or both) - help you recover? Stu: My abuse was primarily severe emotional cruelty, with some physical abuse thrown in, just so I’d get the message. I was severely shamed in every way by my parents and my older brother. Then they would completely deny "anything of the sort". Basically, I was imagining it………..it was all a product of my imagination……….YEAH, RIGHT. One of the most debilitating aspects of my upbringing was the theme of my parents and brother's teaching, that being "you may have what you don’t want, and you may not have what you do want". This was constantly reinforced by them in all areas of my life. It made me literally crazy, and as a result, I have never successfully functioned occupationally or within intimate relationships, amongst other areas of life. So I have very little experience with pursuing my interests in life – I would say this is the dominant core issue I am dealing with, and the effects of having lived life in avoidance of what gives me pleasure. THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 7 But I fought to keep my inner soul alive and protect and shelter my inner child, to keep it innocent and unharmed. It was the way I survived. Now, by using the ASCA program as well as my therapy and other recovery activities I am involved in, I finally have the safest environment I’ve ever had, to turn inside, heal the damage and wounds that were inflicted, and begin to create a life for myself………….a life which has never occurred. The world was never a safe place for me. The form of ASCA's program provides me with tremendous safety. I can move through the program at whatever speed is best for me. I DO NOT have to believe in a Higher Power to work the program (a source of shame in working a 12 Step program for people who do not believe in God). The steps do not have to be worked in numeric order. The rotation of the ASCA meetings (Lead, Step, Topic), provides me with constantly varying and informative aspects of the abuse and healing process, and as a result, helps maintain a high level of interest. The Survivor-to-Thriver manual is superb. It's very well written; it puts into words what I ACTUALLY experienced, and then discusses what it's going to take for me to recover from those experiences. It provides me with some way of proceeding through this overwhelming task of building a life for myself, at the age of 49. Additionally, there is not one scintilla of shaming in any part of the program – remarkable. The content of the program completely encourages and empowers survivors to make and keep themselves safe, as the bedrock of the program. In summary, the ASCA program provides me with deep compassion and understanding for the wounds I received (and have been unable to heal from, as of yet); with patient, gentle and wholesome / realistic guidance for the process it will take to facilitate my healing; and realistic encouragement for the life I might be able to create for myself – the freedom to choose how to live my life as a human being – the freedom which was never taken away from many other people – people who have been able to take for granted freedoms, entitlements and autonomy which I never had. This is my experience, so far, and the hope I have for myself in working the ASCA program. THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 8 Jono: I noticed that you incorporate some elements from 12-step programs in your meeting format -- such as telling people they are not alone and using the serenity prayer. What about these elements attracts you, and how do you think using them enhances your program of recovery? Stu: 14 of the 16 people who have come to our meetings have been or are still active in 12 Step recovery. In the process of initiating the Chicago meetings, I just felt it would be easier to attract survivors and make the meetings less threatening, if the meetings had a few familiar elements people would be able to relate to. In describing the organization to people I would constantly be telling them that ASCA was 12 Step-like, but not exactly the same. And also that there was NO competition between the two programs, that they could easily work BOTH programs at the same time – that they complimented each other. So when they DO come, there are elements they immediately feel secure with and about. Other modifications I made to the meeting format were elements "I" found particularly helpful and comforting at meetings "I" attended. These elements speak to "a welcoming" of people to another SAFE emotional home for themselves to do their healing work. The Serenity Prayer is something almost everyone on the planet has heard, so it again fosters familiarity and comfort. Additionally, it is an easily memorizable piece that we can repeat to ourselves in times of trouble, which provides the ability to be self-reassuring, self-soothing and self-comforting – an essential element of ASCA's program. I deleted the process of offering feedback to individuals after their shares. So many of our attendees have a strong no-crosstalk 12 Step background, that commenting in any way on another person's share was pretty uncomfortable. In addition, the process really leaves open the possibility for someone in the circle to wound someone else (inadvertently) when the person sharing has laid themselves open and vulnerable. It seemed to us that the instructions of "no-crosstalk" and the opportunity to offer supportive comments after a share, were inconsistent and probably confusing to newcomers. So rather than risk a problem, we just felt that it was safer to delete the supportive comments process, as a part of the meeting format. THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Oct 2002 . page - 9 Overall, I felt these modifications added safety and reassurance to the already-safe level of the meeting format. The work is difficult enough, I just wanted to make it the most comfortable & safe home I could. (This interview to be continued in the next issue of the ASCA News…) ____________________________________________________________________________________ In the Next Issue… A short story by Tom Taylor about the terror of being abused nightly, in bed. Part Two of the Interview with Stu. THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . 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ASCA (Mini)News ASCA (Mini)News ASCA (Mini)News August / September 2002 THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse P.O. Box 14477 . San Francisco . CA . 94114 E-mail: tmc_asca@dnai.com . Web Page: www.ascasupport.org . Phone: 415.928.4576 __________________________________________________________________ By Way of a Brief Introduction Hello, all! My name is Jono Schneider, and I'm going to be editing the ASCA News! About myself – I've been involved in ASCA in Berkeley, CA, for 3 years. The forum for emotional expression and empathy that ASCA provides has made a huge difference in my life, and it permits me to continue to express feelings I had repressed as a child; ASCA allows me to continue the emotional work I do in therapy in a safe, sensitive environment. I'm also a writer and editor: my first book, "…But I Could Not Speak …", will be published this fall by Obooks, an independent literary press based in Oakland, CA, and I have just recently become an associate editor of the online poetry journal VERT (www.litvert.com). I am excited to be taking on this responsibility, and my goal is to help make this newsletter a place to hang your recovery hat. We'll post goings-on, share stories, propose meeting topics, and, hopefully, add to everyone's experience of recovery. I'll also be including interviews with ASCA Participants, co-secretaries, and board members so that we can hear what people are thinking and how they move through the recovery process. If you have something you'd like to write about, something you'd like to read about, someone you'd like to interview, or if you'd like someone to interview you, don't hesitate to e-mail me at openedend@aol.com, or use the e-mail address listed above. Also, if you want to say something but are not sure how to say it or what it is, let me know and we can work on something together. I look forward to your ideas, and I hope you will stay tuned! ____________________________________________________________________________________ Goings-On: Potluck BBQ (Flyer or pdf format) If you are a current participant in ASCA support groups, a former participant, or if you are interested in learning more about our program and community, please come to the Potluck BBQ! It will take place Sunday, September 22nd, 12:00pm – 5:00pm at Golden Gate Park, Lindley Meadow, near Fulton and 30th Avenue in San Francisco. Bring a side dish or drinks (no alcohol please!) to share. We’ll provide the meat. You can also bring a game to play. Most important, bring yourself! New Meetings If you haven't already heard, Stu F., in the Chicago area, has started not one, but two new weekly ASCA Meetings – Friday evenings (7-8:30 pm) and Sunday mornings (11am-12:30pm) at the Kenton Building, 9700 N. Kenton (Golf and Gross Point Rd), in Skokie, IL. Please contact Stu at (847) 966-6405 or asca-chicago@mindspring.com for further information. In the Next Newsletter… …keep your eyes peeled for an interview with Stu in the October issue of the ASCA News! I will be talking with him about what it takes to start an ASCA Meeting, and what we both believe to be the importance of ASCA as a recovery program. **** THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse . www.ascasupport.org . ASCA News . Aug/Sept 2002 . page - 1 |
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ASCA News • June 2002 From the Desk of George J. Bilotta, Ph.D. A Concluding Note In 1990, Norma Morris and I began dreaming and articulating the initial parameters outlining an organization dedicated to the healing process of adult survivors of childhood abuse. Through Norma's philanthropic generosity and foresight, THE MORRIS CENTER began taking shape and form. We incorporated originally under the name, Adult Survivors of Incest Foundation. The name was changed to the NORMA J. MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse in 1993 to express both our corporate expansion and to include physical and emotional abuse, along with sexual childhood abuse. In addition, the Board of Directors took that opportunity to honor Norma by deciding to name the organization after her. I assumed the helm as Executive Director until 2001. After my relocation from California to Massachusetts in 2000, I shifted my position from Executive Director to consultant. In July 2002 I will shift again from a paid consultant's position to a volunteer's position. I will assume the designation of historian as a result of my longevity and experience within THE MORRIS CENTER. My new assignment will be informal rather than formal. I will continue to be available to the Board as they assume more and more of the leadership and daily tasks that previously occupied my desk. During the past two years the Board has developed and grown in stature and competency. The Board is lead by an industrious president, Jessy Keiser. Jessy has a history almost as long as I with THE MORRIS CENTER. She is assisted by Board members Dianne Whitney, Bob Roberts, Lane Arye, David Vandevert and Vlado Bradbury. As the Board continues to refine directions for ASCA and other initiatives by THE MORRIS CENTER, they will be calling upon your assistance. Norma and I have also decided that at this juncture of the organization's evolving history it seemed an appropriate time to shift the financial responsibilities of the organization to members of the adult survivor community. Norma has been the primary financial support for THE MORRIS CENTER since its inception some 12 years ago. If the organization is to have a long history similar to AA and other self-help programs, the membership will need to come forward with financial support. The present financial system is sound. THE MORRIS CENTER has no debt. Sufficient working capital is in the bank to cover all existing commitments for the next financial year that begins July 1, 2002. Over the past decade plus, Norma has donated over a million dollars. I am aware of no other person that has been more compassionate and generous, committed and visionary to the cause of adult survivors of childhood abuse than Norma. As an organization we have truly been blessed and honored by Norma's dedication to healing within the adult survivor community. As I shift to an informal working relationship within THE MORRIS CENTER I tend to review the past 12 years with fond memory. If asked what I value most about the past 12 years it would be our ongoing focus on being innovative, holistic, and cutting edged in our offerings to the adult survivor community. In the early 90s we provided group psychotherapy when it was difficult to find a psychotherapy group for adult survivors of childhood abuse. We replaced group psychotherapy and our entire psychotherapy program with ASCA beginning in 1994. We have honed the ASCA program with a cutting edge touch to recovery from childhood abuse. ASCA has always been in a process of evolution and change. I hope that ASCA will continue to evolve as we grow in experience and awareness of the progressive ways to offer a self-help program to survivors of childhood abuse. Some of the highlights of the past 12 years include 6 survivor conferences in San Francisco, San Diego and Santa Rosa, 3 international Whispers art exhibits in San Francisco and San Diego of survivor art. Many other organizations now offer this venue for survivors. Two survivor Waves poetry contests were also sponsored. We provided numerous in-service trainings to mental health and social service agencies. We were the first survivor organization to have a web page back in 1994 in the early days of the Internet and the World Wide Web. Most of our services were offered free of charge requesting only a donation. When we requested a fee at our conferences, for example, we always had an honors policy that permitted anyone to participate no matter what their financial situation. I estimate that over 20,000 individuals have experienced some service from THE MORRIS CENTER since we began in 1990 and that over 4,000 individual ASCA meetings have transpired since ASCA's inception in 1993. I am aware that many people use our materials which we offer freely on our web page for their personal growth and recovery. I am very pleased that last year people began ASCA meetings in South Africa - and recently in Chicago - by extracting the procedures and materials from our web site. I am also aware that many pseudo-ASCA groups exist. They use part of our protocol for their meetings but not the entire process. Many psychotherapists use our materials with their individual clients and facilitate therapy groups based on our literature. I hope that everyone who has been associated with THE MORRIS CENTER over the past years, feel a sense of accomplishment and success, fulfillment and joy. We have offered and continue to provide a unique and valuable service to the adult survivor community. The forthcoming years hold much promise for THE MORRIS CENTER. The organization has strong programs and a talented Board. The Board will be calling upon past and present participants to help grow and sustain THE MORRIS CENTER as the future unfolds. The future does not reside in the hands and hearts of the few, but rather in the hands and hearts of all who have received - and who may now be ready to lend a helping hand and an open heart. I have been the recipient of the kindness and spiritedness of many volunteers over the years. I have been touched deeply by the unfolding stories of thousands of adult survivors of childhood abuse. I am particularly grateful for the help and assistance from hundreds of people who have assisted me to shape and form THE MORRIS CENTER into what it is today. Without the valued skills and energy of volunteers THE MORRIS CENTER could not have achieved one-tenth of what has been accomplished over the years. Thank you for your help and support. Personally and publicly I want to thank Norma Morris for her faith and trust in me to steward THE MORRIS CENTER over the past years. Starting, growing and sustaining THE MORRIS CENTER has been one of the highlights of my professional career and personal life. It has challenged and stretched me in many ways that will continue to influence my life for many years to come. As I See It Some Reflections and an Invitation Jessy Keiser, President I look out the window of my office and see the trees gently swaying in the wind. My heart is sad. Someone I love - who is also a survivor, but not in recovery - has relapsed again. Still, in spite of myself, my soul stirs with hope. I see two birds building a nest in one of the trees. I smile in delight. Don't they know what's going on in the world? No - they are unaware and going about fulfilling their purpose in life. For nature and life, this is important: the moment of now and of building something together. As individual survivors, working to transform our lives, we face special challenges every day. But these are especially hard times for many of us. It's scary and things are so uncertain "out there". These are challenging times for us all. As a nation, on September 11th we suffered a rude awakening - politically, economically, and socially - from our illusion of being invulnerable. Globally, we suffer slowly from the erosion of an ecosystem and social system that we, ourselves, have exploited to its current state. So, what do we do for comfort and help? Whom can we trust? Unfortunately, many people turn away from each other as a result of their fears - instead of turning to one another. Yet, this is the time we most need each other! ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER have always been here for me - as they have for many fellow survivors in times of need. Here I have met kindred spirits who have kept me strong when I have had to accept unbearable sorrows and losses. Here I have found community and hope for a new life. Here I rekindled my belief that I can create a positive impact in this world. You have probably heard that THE MORRIS CENTER will be undergoing some changes in the near future. The good news is that, as an organization, THE NORMA J. MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse has survived many changes and economic hardships. And this will be no exception - if we pull together and turn to one another instead of away from each other, as might be our old survival instinct. Our Board of Directors consists of a strong group of leaders and representatives from our community. Together, we have come up with a strategic action plan that will take us into the next two years. But to make this plan succeed, we need your help. In the next few months, we will be asking you to volunteer your time, passion, and ideas and make sure that our organization stays strong and grows. We want to host a "world café" to start a conversation on our future, which we hope will spread worldwide. Will you come? Will you be there for us and will we be there for each other? Will you come and be a part of this? We need each other now more than ever. Let's not turn away from each other but turn to each other. Outside, the two birds are still building their nest. Shall we follow their lead? Let's build our safe haven and future together… Stay tuned for more news about how you can help and participate. As always, if you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me at: jmkeiser@pacbell.net. You can also leave a message on our voice mail: 415-928-4576. A MORRIS CENTER's Board Member Publishes Unintentional Music: Releasing Your Deepest Creativity Lane Arye The last time you whistled a tune or hummed a song - why did you choose that one? You may not consider yourself a musical person, but your little act of unintended music may be the key to unlocking within you a wealth of unsuspected creativity - a kind of creativity that goes way beyond music, too. Lane Arye, a musician himself, focuses on the music that people do not intend to make. Using the highly regarded psychological model called Process Work, developed by Arnold Mindell, Ph.D., Arye has bee teaching students around the world how to awaken their creativity, using music as the starting point, but including all art forms and ways of expression. The unintentional appears at moments when some hidden part of us, something beyond our usual awareness, suddenly tries to express itself. If we start paying attention to what is trying to happen rather than to what we think should happen, we open the door to self-discovery. Sometimes what we regard as "mistakes" in self-expression are in fact treasures. (Back Cover on Unintentional Music) Though this book is not specifically and solely for adult survivors of childhood abuse, as I (George Bilotta) read and studied Lane's book, I found a wealth of helpful insight that is easily transferable and applicable to our situations of moving toward healing. I have never considered myself a musician, but I do hum and sing. I do enjoy music. I can appreciate through Lane's explanations and examples that mistakes are often doorways into the mysteries of who we are, where we have come from and where we are going. Lane writes in a clear and easy to follow style. The book is full of readily identifiable examples that add life and depth to what he is encouraging us to explore. I personally found the book helpful for my present life situation. It is an enjoyable read. Its captivation had me reading for several days over a long weekend. I highly recommend Lane's book, not only because he is on our Board, but most importantly, because there is much in his book for all of us, even if we do not consider ourselves musicians. If you are thinking of purchasing Lane's book, go through our web site at www.ascasupport.org and click the Amazon.com link. By ordering Lane's or any other book through Amazon.com by first going through our web page, we receive a small commission. A New Book by Laura Davis I Thought We'd Never Speak Again The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation Laura Davis helped millions heal with her classic books The Courage to Heal and Allies in Healing. Her supportive guide Becoming the Parent You Want to Be taught parents to create a vision for their families. Now, in I Thought We'd Never Speak Again, she tackles another critical, emerging issue: reconciling relationships hindered by betrayal, anger, and misunderstanding. In her introduction, Laura Davis tells us, "This book is about relationships that have been torn apart - and the many paths to reconciling them. Whether we are dealing with a brother we no longer speak to, and adult child we wish we knew, a parent we long to make peace with, a friendship gone sour, or an enemy we have been taught to hate and fear, there is a path that we can use to repair - or make peach with - relationships that have been painfully estranged." Laura Davis interviewed more than a hundred people about their experiences of estrangement and reconciliation and added her trademark clarity and compassion to map the reconciliation process. Her book is filled with stories of everyday estrangements and reconciliations: friends who stopped speaking over a misunderstanding at the movies, siblings who fought over a will, children who made peace with parents they hadn't spoken t in years. Mixed with these stories are more dramatic tales: victims of drunk drivers facing the people whose actions devastated their lives, children of Holocaust survivors meeting with the children of Nazis, Palestinian and Israeli teenagers learning to get along. All of these stories are deeply inspiring and demonstrate that the principles of reconciliation are consistent whether we are dealing with family members of the larger world. Making a crucial distinction between reconciliation and forgiveness, Laura Davis explains how people can make peace in relationships without necessarily forgiving past hurts or resolving all of their differences. Step by step, she clarifies the qualities needed for reconciliation - including maturity, discernment, courage, communication and compassion. On every page of this inspiring and instructive book, Laura Davis offers hope and help for reconciliation between individuals, and in the larger human family, sharing essential keys for resolving troubled relationships and finding peace. Poetry Drunken Father A boozer, a loser A man on whom I wasted my affection When I was young Waiting at night by the living room window For headlights beamed on Venetian blinds Playing barbershop without a pair of scissors While he numbed out with alcohol In front of the TV. Drowning his pain enough over the years Until the only emotion left floating On the surface was anger Anger he would inflict on me Dragging me away from work Throwing me into a boat Forcing me to drive the thing While assuring me he never wanted my love. Violent outbursts from drunken stupors Knocking me up against the wall Pushing hard against my heart Shirt buttons ripping Gripping me with hate too tightly My integrity slipping away from me I can't keep my heart open any longer I don't know how. There's an axe in my chest I'm closing it now Around this parental wound Sins of the father penetrate Perpetuate themselves in me My shell growing harder Some kind of container Against all this insensitivity. No apologies, no acts of contrition Too much stress and too much duress Shut down, closed 'til some future notice Fro the present, the bloom is off this lotus He's a bruiser He likes it really rough I'm not a bruiser And I've been hurt enough! Copyright 2001 James Daniel James has just finished his fourth volume of poetry: An Autobiographical Horror Story containing 21 poems depicting events in his life from birth to age twenty-one. Drunken Father is one of those poems. The volume can be ordered by sending $6.00 with mailing address to: James Daniel, 401 Duboce, #4, San Francisoc, CA 94117. Questions or comments may be sent o the avove address or e-mialed to: ribturtle@aol.com . The Truth by Steve My earliest emotional memory was that of being alone unconnected unwanted. I could sense down in my gut that I wasn't welcome or wanted in the world at a very tender age. I remember being slapped by my older sister and being struck in the face by my mother with her purse when I wasn't expecting it (my nose bled). I developed a fear of women I suspect before concrete memories were formed. I can only speculate what happened before those memories. But considering my fear of women and the fact that I remember being struck by my mother and my sister when I would express my feelings leads me to believe these were not isolated incidents but indicative of a behavioral pattern. I can only guess that when I cried for attention as an infant or toddler I was ignored or raged at or even physically assaulted. My mother rejected me. She despised me when I was at a very young age probably from birth on. She was angry at the men in her life. I suspect her father and my father and all the rage she felt toward them was dumped on me. I was the "container" for her rage. Of course as a boy I couldn't comprehend the idea that mommy has emotional problems. I could only conclude that mommy doesn't love me because I was bad. When I was about ten my mother decided to put me in a boarding school. When she brought me for the first time to the school she showed me the school brochure that showed a boy walking a horse out in to a pasture "see Steven there are horses here." Like this was going to be some kind of summer camp. I knew she was trying to get rid of me. It wasn't a summer camp it was a holding pen for emotionally disturbed children many of them whose parents couldn't take care of them. These kids were "wards of the court" kids whose parents could not, or would not take care of them. Some of their fathers were in prison. The first day of school I tried to relate to one of the kids in the school. I said something he didn't like and he responded with violence. He was a little older than me. He was the strongest kid among his peers. His father was in prison. That incident was only the first of several terrifying events. Just to give you an idea of the kind of place I was I had a mother cat with kittens that I brought to the school. The owners couldn't care for her and her kittens. One day I returned to the dormitory to see that one of the kittens had been thrown down the staircase; it just lay there with a broken back. I got the shit knocked out of me on more than one occasion. One day I was punched in the eyes and later that day another boy blackened the other eye one. I remember being beaten up so bad that I lay on the ground whimpering while the boy kicked me. I was afraid every day. It was like living in a cage. I remember being whipped with a hanger, having my money stolen, being spit on, having my possessions taken and destroyed. I could do nothing. The verbal abuse was the worst it was relentless and it went on for months "football head" "egg head" it seemed like an eternity. That was more painful than the physical abuses Most of the time I just had to take it. The others were stronger and more aggressive. I had no means to protect myself. Where did I learn to let others victimize me? Konrad Stettbacher a Swiss psychotherapist in his book "Making sense of suffering" said "A child who has thus been damaged in its primal integrity may will become the object of persecution and ridicule during childhood." What a nightmare. What a hellhole. All of that would have been survivable if I had sensed within myself that I was loved and wanted. The greatest pain I felt in that place was that I wasn't loved and wasn't wanted. Of course, I knew that all along but there in that place it hit the hardest. I felt completely without hope. How can a ten year old boy see that there are options? How could he see that he could tell someone he was suffering if there is no one in his life he feels cares about him, if he feels down in his soul that he is worthless and he deserves to suffer? My mother would justify her putting me in that place with "I have to work." That is true she did have to work. But most single mothers have to work and they still have time albeit limited for their children. I wasn't there because my mother "had to work." I was there because I was not valued and honored as her child and I should have been. I thought deep in my soul I was not lovable. I was a piece of shit. Somewhere around that time all the circumstances combined caused me to shut down emotionally. I became numb. I didn't relive all that pain until several years later. How have these childhood experiences affected me? They taught me that my feelings (my reality) were not valid. That really loving a woman will only result in being rejected. They lead me to believe that all women were hard to please, selfish, sharp tongued materialistic people like my mother. Other affects have been chronic depression, chronic health problems a tendency to be oversensitive a tendency to withdraw from social contact with others. Not feeling I am capable of getting the education I need, the relationship I need the job that may be concomitant with my potential. When I finally got out of that place I was fourteen. (I had spent four years there.) I began using drugs and spending time on the streets. Often times coming home at two o'clock in the morning drunk or stoned out of my mind. No one seemed to care. When I was picked up for the possession of marijuana who was it that came to the police station to pick me up? It was my Grandmother and Grandfather. In spite of those beginning I managed to quit using drugs on my own at a young age. I joined sports and later joined a religion and pursued spiritual growth. I have not become an alcoholic or a drug addict nor have I become an abuser of others. I have been able to learn the value of honesty, kindness and an appreciation for hard work and spiritual values. My Grandmother says "these things happened many years ago, forget it, forgive your mother, she had to work." How do you "forget" the circumstances that formed your personality? Can a man born with no arms forget he has no arms? In a very real sense I started life with a deficiency of essential circumstances necessary to healthy adult life - the need to be cherished by my parents, to be respected for what and who I was, to be loved, to be protected. These things were my birthright. I started life with no self confidence, no self love. Instead I started life thinking I was a worthless encumbrance, the lowest piece of shit on the earth. I was taught these things in my formative years from birth on so how can I "forget" them? The healing begins when I remember. As far as forgiveness goes there is nothing to forgive. As far as I can see she is not sorry for her inappropriate priorities. To this day this is still the truth. When I got in an accident recently she did not call and ask "are you ok?" Instead her primary and overwhelming concern was that her insurance might go up because I was driving her car at the time. When I asked her for some money to start an investment program for my future as I have little money, she flatly refused. The reason as she expressed it was "because I won't get any return on my investment." About ten days later she offered to buy a house from a man because that was a good investment. So lack of money is not the problem. Lack of love for her son is. When I stay with her at her expensive home her concern is her utility bill goes up slightly. She prefers I take showers at the gym so I won't use any hot water. Yes she had to work but she wasn't working to give her children a good life if that were the case she would have fulfilled my most essential need or would have at least made an effort. She was working because she wanted money more that she wanted to raise her children, because work and the pursuit of material "success" were her drugs of choice to escape her own stuff. When she sent me away to that place she did not investigate it to find out what kind of place she was putting her ten year old son into. While I was there she did not ask if I was happy or if I was having any trouble. She did not care to notice the sadness on my face while I was there. Yes she had to work but I wasn't in there because she had to work. I was there because money and things were more important than me. The truth is: It is not my fault I have had health problems and lack of feelings of self worth and have been depressed most of my life. The truth is she did not really love or want me. If she had I would have never been in that place. If she had loved me as a healthy parent I would have had the self-esteem to go to school and educate myself because I believed in myself. I would have chosen the right kind of a girl and pursued a relationship with her because I believed I had something to offer. If she and my absent father were responsible mature parents, I would have believed in myself and pursued the kind of career that was in harmony with my potential because I would have realized my potential. If she had loved me she would have done what ever was necessary to keep her children near her. She had a choice, I did not but I do now. Announcements! How to order the Survivor to Thriver manual? First, the manual can be downloaded from our web page for free. Second, to purchase a copy of the manual, send a check or money order payable to "The Morris Center" for $25.00 (add $5.00 for orders outside of US, i.e., $30.00). Mail to George Bilotta, Survivor to Thriver, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, U.S.A. Manuals are sent priority mail usually within a few days. If changes occur in the Co-Secretary assignments please let us know so we can forward future updated information to the correct person. Also if Co-Secretaries have a change in address, telephone number or e-mail, please send these changes to e-mail: tmc_asca@dnai.com or phone: 415.928.4576. ***** |
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ASCA News • March 2002 I Am Identical Jono Schneider It's a short essay on the psychological split - the child who splits himself to understand the impossible - that his parents don't love him. When the French symbolist poet Arthur Rimbaud wrote "I is another", he beautifully pointed out the most crucial issue of the psychological split: I do not know myself, I see myself from the outside and not from within, I am distant from myself and this distance is the terror I feel in the world. But where does this otherness, this distance, this lack of self begin? With the lacking self the child is given by its parents -- when a child is not given a self, instead being made to believe that the self that he is does not exist, then the child grows apart from himself. The adult he becomes is always distant, as he lives with a fissure in his being, perpetually longing for the self given pure acknowledgement and love from the original source -- this loved self remains repressed, for to acknowledge it is to see his parents as they really are, to feel their hatred as it really feels for him. He cannot live with this feeling and be in the world. I am born, and so I exist within myself. But I do not know myself -- the world is before me, and I cannot comprehend it -- it is too large. The world, although it is real, feels to be a dream, because I do not know that I can move things, that I can touch and move objects, that the world is apart from me. The only thing I know is that when my mother smiles at me, when she feeds me, when she holds me, I am warm, and this warmth means that I exist, that the world exists, too, and that I can continue to exist. I do not know anything about time, about how the present's reality stretches ahead into the future's possibility, but I know that when I am cold, when I am hungry, when I am frightened and alone, that the world no longer exists, that I have disappeared, and that all is lost. All I can feel is my own discomfort, because I am an infant, and all I know is how I feel, even as I do not know what I feel. I do not have words at this time, and my movements are awkward, I cannot control them just yet. So I need everything right now, until I can feel myself. I need my mother to tell me how glorious my existence is, how much I amaze and dazzle her, how committed she is to caring for me and loving me. Then I will begin to know myself. Self-consciousness, as we have come to know it as a concept, arises from the knowledge that we exist because we have been told that we exist, and we link what we are told with what we feel, and, subsequently, how we act. And as I am told this as an infant first by my mother -- how she holds me and feeds me and smiles at me and talks to me and lets me sleep -- and then by my father, I not only begin to believe that I exist, but I know that it is impossible for me to be alive and not be important in the world. My existence rests on this fact, and I am bound to this crucial sense of myself, a sense that has passed beyond belief into a pure knowledge, a knowing that I can articulate, a knowing that is also outside of words. This is the self-consciousness of experience. But Rimbaud is speaking of another child, the child whose mother does not hold him, who does not make him warm, who is too cold to love him, who is too cold to love. This child has lost consciousness of himself, he remains unconscious to who he would really be, he is buried within himself, buried underneath what remains of his parents' bodies. Rimbaud is speaking of a mother like my own, who later remarked, when I questioned her about my birth, that she "felt like a complete failure." My mother's real "failure" was what resulted from this feeling, a feeling that preceded me -- to fail the child that I was, to not hold me, feed me, keep me warm. As an infant, the world invaded my senses as my mother's lack of love kept me from it -- I did not know myself, and I remained unknown to myself; I hid myself from the too-large world, the world at large. And so I became another. This becoming another resulted in my continual desire to be someone else than I was, or to think of myself as possessing qualities that I never actually had, qualities I invented to understand my parents' distance, qualities they invented to distance themselves from the self I wanted to become. Because I was not given a sense of who I really was -- a loved, safe, cared-for child -- I did not develop an internal knowledge of myself. I grew silent about myself. But it is clear to me now that this "another" that I became was my desire to see myself as I really was without having the natural guidance of a loving, caring parent. The child's self splits because the child must survive the dark, barren world of a loveless home, the home in which the world is too large, where living is less living than dreaming of one day being able to live. There are no parents in this home, and the child must either imagine them into existence or forget that they do not exist. The child builds his parents; the world seems to make sense for a moment. But the world in whish a parent hates its child is mad. The child remains sane within this silence of the repressed self he really wants to be, the self that is always loved. I know that the love that I was not given preceded me -- this lack did not begin with me -- I know that I am identical with myself, that I am not another. My self- consciousness is what I know to be the truth of myself inside myself, and, consequently, within the world. And I am articulating this knowledge, even as I am able to know it in complete silence. Because I am never silent within myself -- I talk to myself, I am that loving mother who holds me, who feeds me, who smiles at me. "I" am the I who keeps myself warm, while the world is outside of me, the other I am coming to know. Next Issue of the ASCA News will be June 1, 2002 If you would like to be interviewed for the upcoming June 1st issue, please e-mail Dr. Bilotta at georgebilotta@charter.net or call 508.835.6054. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is April 7th for the June 1st edition. Remember that if you want to submit an article for the June issue our deadline is May 1st for written articles. The ASCA News depends upon our ASCA participants to submit articles, poetry, art, etc. Please join if you want to share with us. Children Learn What They Live By: Dorothy Law Nolte An ASCA participant sent this poem to us from Dorothy Law Nolte asking us to offer it to other ASCA participants. If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn trustfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and those around them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live. You can contribute to the Poetry section by either sending your poems directly to the Poetry Editor, James Daniel or to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com. Annoucements How to order the Survivor to Thriver manual? First, the manual can be downloaded from our web page for free. Second, to purchase a copy of the manual, send a check or money order payable to "The Morris Center" for $24.00 (add $5.00 for orders outside of US, i.e., $29.00). Mail to George Bilotta, Survivor to Thriver, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, U.S.A. Manuals are sent priority mail usually within a few days. If you have expertise and time to promote our web page within the Internet, please contact georgebilotta@cs.com for details. If there are changes in the Co-Secretary assignments please let us know so we can forward a hard copy or an e-mail with an attached file of the ASCA News to the correct person. Also if Co-Secretaries have a change in address, telephone number or email, please send these changes to: telephone: 508.835.6054, e-e-mail: georgebilotta@charter.net mailing address: 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020. If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, PhD, welcomes your inquiries. Phone Dr. Bilotta in Massachusetts at 508.835.6054 or e-mail him at georgebilotta@charter.net . Never hesitate to call or e-mail. If you would like to contribute a poem, art, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • December 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 phone: 4 15.928.4576 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta Anticipating the celebration of the end of the year holidays and the beginning of a New Year, many survivors face the holidays welling up with a wide range of feelings. During December it might be helpful to focus on the upcoming holidays by making the holidays the topic for a Rotation C Topic meeting. I have included Holiday Dynamics in the Rotation C Topic section of the newsletter. Also, a past and related topic Holidays: Lost and Found can be located on our web page in the ASCA Support Materials manual listed under the heading topics. Holidays often ring with the dualities of laughter and sadness, welcome and resentment, hope for the future tempered by the pain of the past. The end of the year holidays are truly a mixed bag for us all. Through this issue and in forthcoming issues, members of the Board of Directors for THE MORRIS CENTER will take turns offering their perspective on various aspects of recovery from childhood abuse. They will present their viewpoints in a new column, As I See It. Bob Roberts initiates this series in this current issue. In addition you will encounter several poems, by James Daniels, Kim A. Emerson- Santa and Cynthia Bryant. In the Ongoing Education Moment, I focus on the ASCA Guidebook and how to use it. Vlado Bradbury interviews Denise resulting in a wonderful interview-article focused on the "inner child". Finally, if you view our web page at www.ascasupport.org, a picture Personal Journey from one of the ASCA meetings in South Africa is included in living color. The picture is not included in the hardcopy version of the ASCA News. Holiday Shopping! THE MORRIS CENTER is part of the Amazon.com Associates Program. If you plan to purchase merchandise from Amazon.com, please go to Amazon.com through our web page www.ascasupport.org. Just click the Amzaon.com link on our home page. When you follow this procedure, we receive a small commission on your purchases at Amazon.com. We do not receive notification of names or purchases from Amazon.com. We only receive a check based on the purchases made that month by consumers going to Amazon.com through our web page. This is one way that you and your friends can continue to support our mission. Thanks for your consideration. Happy Holidays and Best Wishes for the coming New Year! As I See It Parents as Perpetrators By: Bob Roberts Adult survivors who are grappling with childhood trauma were abused and/or abandoned by their parents. Otherwise, they could have shared and resolved their trauma as children with the empathy and love of their parents. I am approaching the issue of resolving the abuse with the perpetrators from the framework of having one's parents as perpetrators. As children, we are totally dependent on our parents for survival. In many parts of the world, adults remain dependent on family (or clan) relationships-one's well-being and survival depends to a large degree on the relationship with one's birth family. Even in countries where this is no longer true, we are not far removed from the days when being exiled from the clan threatened one's survival. Even though it is now possible to survive-and even thrive-without ties to one's family of origin, our society strongly reinforces the idea that "family values" are primary. A survivor must confront the conflict between 1) the love and loyalty which each child must feel for their parents, and 2) the feelings-hopelessness, sadness, and fury- resulting from the ways they were abused. This conflict becomes more open as we bring these feelings to consciousness--in the process of remembering and mourning. However, this remains a difficult, time consuming process. We take our abusive parents within us in order to survive Our parents shape how we view ourselves. Survivors take their abusive parents within as a harsh inner critic. A survivor may feel shameful, dirty, and bad-responsible and deserving of the abuse-in response to attitude and voice of the internalized parent. In many cases, this is an explicit message, but even without the explicit criticism and shaming, the message is there. The abuse expresses the attitude of the parent. Even with many expressions of "Mommy and Daddy love you," we internalized their real attitude. Abusive parents often isolate the family to keep the abuse hidden, reinforcing their impact in shaping our inner world. Accepting this negative self-image is actually a creative way of surviving our childhood. Had we not accepted their message that we were shameful and deserving of the treatment they gave us, we would have had to see that our situation was hopeless and would not change. This hopelessness would have been far worse than the shame that we accepted. At stake in this job of confronting our inner parent(s) is our clarity in raising our own children in a loving and compassionate way. When we meet in our children the expressions of emotion-such as anger, frustration and fury-we face a choice. The embedded response is to validate our parents' emotional attitude toward us as children by responding to our children in a similar way. The alternative is to reject that response and meet our child with empathy and compassion. Stated like this, the choice seems simple, but in practice, there is pressure to validate our parents and "finally understand how difficult it was for them." What is the best we could hope from our family and the worst... The family of origin feels like a source for our need fulfillment as adults. In much of the world, this is not true, but it often feels that way. In fact, a survivor's family of origin may offer many things that seem important: 1) a circle of friends and social support 2) a source of support in case of emergency (health, financial, etc.) 3) a familiar place to spend holiday gatherings (even if actual memories of these gatherings are miserable), 4) relationships with nieces and nephews, 5) help with a down payment for a home, and, 6) an inheritance (this may seem especially important if your adaptation to the abuse was to underachieve and sabotage your own personal success). Parents confronted by their children have an opportunity. They can strive to make themselves worthy of the love that their child has always felt toward them. They can initiate their own process of self-discovery and recovery. They can spend as much time as needed listening to their child's story and finally empathizing with them. This would be a very painful process. The pain would include seeing and taking responsibility for the pain they inflicted on their children. But, I think the larger pain would be facing their own inner pain from their childhood. This is what they were trying to keep buried as they repeated and normalized the cycle with their children. They could take a loving position toward their children and help end this recurring cycle in this generation. In my experience very few will do this. While they may make shifts in their behavior, they will not want to take the work of recovery seriously-not simply your recovery, but their own. They will not want to feel the pain of their own childhood. They will remain more loyal to their own parents than to their children. The birth family will act as though the adult child in recovery is rejecting them. They will express the attitude that discussing the abuse at family gatherings is a hurtful and retaliatory act, especially when it "goes on for months and years." Most survivors feel a pressure to avoid discussing their abuse and asking for support with their recovery. The family members j ust do not want to hear it. After listening (sometimes sympathetically) to the telling of the story, they will shift toward an attitude that indicates the limits of their support and their open hostility. Statements like: "let the past be in the past" "haven't you gotten past that?" "he/she (the perpetrator) had a miserable life too" "you need to become strong enough that it doesn't bother you to be with them." In recovery, we find ourselves enriching our lives with loving friends and partners, and having our own children. We resolve the pain we faced as children, wanting the loving mother, father and family that we never had-the pain of knowing that it was hopeless, and that we can never have that family. This brings into sharp relief the joy we can have as adults building a rich life with others, learning to share love and intimacy. We find friends who want to listen to us, take us seriously, and share their own recovery. We should use these same standards when making decisions about relationships with our birth family members. Does it make sense to forgive parents? Forgiveness is a part of the process of repairing a reciprocal relationship. One person might rupture a friendship by their misdeeds. Both feel a loss with the rupture. If the guilty party were motivated to mend the rupture and reestablish the relationship, they would seek to make restitution and seek forgiveness. Forgiveness, in this case, would be the acknowledgement by the offended party that their friend, acquaintance, or business partner is sincere in valuing their relationship, has taken appropriate steps to make reparations. In forgiving, one feels confident in extending their trust and resuming their relationship and reciprocal exchange. I believe that forgiveness is a concept that makes no sense when applied to children and their parents. The relationship between parents and children is not reciprocal. The gap between what survivors received as children and what they had every right to expect is immense. Even as we spend time with children and approach parenting our own children, it seems difficult to recognize that we deserved every bit of the love and attention that we offer the children in our own lives. The sense of loss and grief for our own lost childhood and as well as the anger felt for the way we were treated surfaces as we dwell on this. Even if they sincerely desired it, parents cannot undo the emotional damage suffered by their children. The adult survivor must do the work of recovery. Parents view themselves as having made sacrifices for their children. Implicitly and or explicitly, parents (and society) expect children to bear a burden of debt to their parents. I disagree with this. To be a parent is a privilege. But, it is within the social attitude of children being indebted, that forgiveness makes sense. It would be acknowledging the feeling of gratitude for the burdens that the parents endured. In addition, in the days when the family was necessary for survival, it would make sense in order to maintain the needed family unit. The feelings of longing Will the feelings of longing for the birth family ever recede? I believe they will. The longing is not really from the present. The longing is a memory of the way we felt as children. The longing today might best be visualized as the child, which we were, crying for someone to take care of them. And today, the only person who can listen to and comfort that child is the loving adult that we have become. You can offer feedback concerning the preceding and following articles by sending an e-mail either to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com. Mailing addresses are included either in the beginning masthead or in the contact information at the conclusion of the newsletter. Your comments will be gratefully received. Poetry, Poetry and more Wonderful Poetry CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY by James Daniel, Copyright 2001 Feedback to poet: c/o ASCA From Christmas Eve to New Year's Day The old year kindly passed away. Some joy from visiting relatives Drinking, yelling, nonstop eating A kitchen full of loud Italians With starchy hair and gold medallions Spaghetti with clams dug up from the beach Cheap wine with ginger ale within my reach. Strains of albinism staining the tablecloth Card games my grandfather always would win Gaudy lights, five-and-dime decorations Cousin Dan laughing heartily pouring libations I'd imagine life with my godparents I'd imagine my parents driving over a bridge I'd imagine this laughter all year- round As I put the leftovers into the fridge. Christmas Day. Just clothes for presents Clothes I think my mother should wear For my own aesthetic taste she didn't care A green fiberglass tree, with green lights and green ornaments In a turquoise home, what a strange color scheme My mother never varied much from her theme No books, no homework, a rare reprieve for me Too bad Christmas had to come down before the next eve. New Year's Eve. Waiting for snow Waiting on my neighbor, Tony Migliaccio We'd set off firecrackers at passing cars We'd stalk the neighborhood under the stars. I'd write in my journal about the year past Wishing this last week would not go so fast For the new year ahead, a prayer for redemption From desires for Tony too scary to mention. New Year's Day. The Rose Parade Grandma baking lasagna Telling me what she considers a sin I in denial of school the next day Looking through plastic candles in windows Searching the sky for signs of snow Falling asleep with these eight days of magic And visions of Tony Migliaccio. Stolen Daughters by Kim A. Emerson-Santa, Copyright 2001 Feedback to poet: c/o ASCA Anger seethes under the thread of their existence! Youth lost in violence and hatred. Youth abandoned in helplessness. No solace for a stolen daughter. A mother lost to madness. Unable to stop the loss of her children's innocence. Unable to teach them about love and beauty in the world. Only violence, molestation, and hatred reign. From a man allowed to enter their lives. A man brought up in violence and hatred. A man brought up in ignorance and fear. Anger seethes under the thread of their existence! Time and memories, cruelty and frailty. Hearts broken, minds bended. Lives tormented. Why? Why? Why? Stolen daughters. Stolen in ignorance. Stolen in depravity. Stolen in inj ustice. Stolen in sin. Stolen daughters. Released from their internment in a living hell. Released from the beast that tried to control their souls and existence. Released to once again fly free in the world. Released to the light. Released to the beauty. Released to find their way back to their family. To love, to acceptance, to encouragement, to life. Anger seethes under the thread of their existence. For loss of dignity and self-worth in their youth. For loss of the truth. For loss of hope. For loss of their mother. For loss of their father. For loss of their family. For loss of their soul. The Perfect House by Cynthia L. Bryant, Copyright 2001 Feedback to poet: c/o ASCA As we wander that old street see row upon row of identical houses our eyes fall on a house not quite like all the others Welcome to the home of my childhood Best house on the block freshly paint pale green shutters and trim in emerald Gaily bordered by purple pansies Clean borders drawn by intricate iron fence In the front yard sways a gentle weeping willow surrounded by lush manicured grass Heavily scented yellow roses Line either side, the unfettered pathway that leads up to polished oak door Now-go around to the back open the door slowly this fine day on the sly Slink your way in don’t start to cry Crying is not allowed Watch in silence while mother's lessons are taught— S M A C K "I'll give you something to cry about!" The family slogan driven home hard "Children are to be seen, not heard" Tinker Toys, teacups, Tiny Tears alike left too long on their own snatched up, tossed out with the trash Toddlers thrown against walls with a thud for beds unmade or pajamas on the floor crimes worthy of corporal punishment Lapses of bladder control reprimand unrestrained flow stench of urine cascading payback over guilty child Bare bottoms beaten crimson with whatever is handy angry welts on the rise Rebellion washed out with soap From grimacing mouths gagging bubbles of sickening slime Tiny arms tracked by weeping blisters Small perfect circles seared into flesh for minor breaches Late at night if your already queasy stomach allows hide in some corner Watch as Daddy sneaks in taking all the innocence he can hold then tippy-toes back to his room snoring his way through untroubled dreams While his clean well-fed children beg God for Heaven's sake to keep their souls if they should die before they wake Cynthia has j ust finished self-publishing her 5th chapbook of poetry titled Dark Mother Living on the Borderline. It is a book filled with the unreality of being brought up by a borderline personality mother and incestuous father. The Perfect House is one of the poems. If you are interested in ordering this chapbook you can do so by sending $9.00 and your mailing address to: Cynthia L. Bryant, 1322 Santa Rita Road, Pleasanton, CA 94566. Please allow 3 weeks for shipment. Any questions or comments can be sent to the same address or email me at cynthiabryant@attbi.com . You can contribute to the Poetry section by either sending your poems directly to the Poetry Editor, James Daniel or to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com. Possible Rotation C Topic for December: Holiday Dynamics Even in the best of times the holiday season can be a challenge to one's emotional life and sense of balance. The holiday experience can encompass hecticness and confusion, wonder and joy, sadness and resentment, lost perspective and lost opportunities. For many survivors of childhood abuse, the holiday season registers memories of pain, betrayal, abandonment, manipulation, etc. Many people feel depressed, lonely, overwhelmed, and j ust look forward to the holidays being over. Questions: 1. What do the upcoming holidays rouse in you and mean for you? 2. What have been successful strategies in the past for you in dealing with holidays? 3. What do you need to do for yourself to manage the upcoming holidays? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: What is the ASCA Meeting Guidebook on Our Web Page? The ASCA Meeting Guidebook is located on our web page at www.ascasupport.org. It provides discussion and guidance on various components that comprise the ASCA meeting format. Presently, there are 24 topics discussed. As a resource it can be particularly helpful for co-secretaries. It can also be informative for ASCA participants especially when confusion and/or disagreement surface concerning a particular dynamic of an ASCA meeting. We update and add to the material within the Guidebook as members ask questions and request additional clarification on specific aspects of the ASCA meeting and on areas of the ASCA program in general. If you are unfamiliar with the ASCA Meeting Guidebook it might be worth your time and energy to review its contents. As you read through the material if you have a question, contact George at georgebilotta@cs.com for clarification. Your question may lead to additional material being placed within the Guidebook. If you have a question, often other ASCA participants will have the same question. Interview with Denise by Vlado Bradbury Interview, Vlado talking with Denise about the relationship with the "inner child". The "inner child" is an idea that is promoted by many therapists, particularly John Bradshaw. Our minds are filled with memories of childhood, often traumatic. These memories can be triggered at any moment by present events and flood overwhelmingly into consciousness. These memories may include intense physical or emotional pain, or whole ways of being in the world or relating to people. We might feel j ust like a powerless terrified child. If we can recognize that these intense feelings have their origins in our childhoods we have the opportunity to bring some adult wisdom, compassion and critical thinking to these unresolved memories and effect some soothing and resolution. This vast store of memories from childhood (which I suggest is the "inner child") can be a source of great joy as well as pain. Many adults get a youthful pleasure from childhood activities such as, running, swimming, biking, going to movies, ice-cream, drawing, being at the beach. Bradshaw would encourage us to cultivate a relationship with our inner child or children. To understand the fears, and desires we find there. To know and understand the inner child is to know ones history. This enables us to act in an integrated manner on our own best behalf. This frees us from repeatedly, recreating and re-experiencing the sufferings of our childhood. V. The way that you relate to your inner child has long impressed me. Red streaks in your hair, bright toenails, the youthful clothes that you wear, all these things tell me that she is present. You also hold down a serious job, isn’t she inconvenient or embarrassing at times? D. Oh yes, but at work I’m a teacher in a Montessori school, and they encourage creativity and self-expression so that works out O.K. V. What does your inner child do when you the adult is at work? D. Because I teach little children, she is often present. When I’m working with a student she may do the work too, draw or write. Also when I am relating to my students in a respectful manner she sees that and is comforted. She also gets angry if she thinks I’m treating students unfairly. Today I had to separate two friends because they were making so much noise. She said that this was very unfair and I had to explain that I know it's hard for young kids to be separated but they were being too disruptive and for a while they were going to have to sit apart from each other till they settle down. In staff meetings she gets to write in the margins of my pad, and she will tell me if anything or anyone is triggering her. I hear her and explain that as soon when the meeting is over she can tell me all about it in the car but for now I need to attend the meeting. She knows that I will do what I say, she trusts me so this is usually enough and she calms down. We talk later in the car. V. How do you soothe her? D. Talking mostly, today that happened about five times, I spoke gently to her and reassured her. Then there is writing in my journal, sometimes pages and pages of how a certain incident felt, the same words repeated again and again. At the end of the day I check in with her see how the day went for her, what was good, what was not? Last night she told me that we scheduled too many things. We didn’t have any quiet time alone. Often when we’re having a hard time a nap is all we need, then I realize " no wonder I’m having a hard time we did 12 stressful things today". I also do the things that my mother did for me, to soothe me from the consequences of the rapes. That is when I’m in crisis. I will bundle up in bed with hot tea. I do this when I know memories are surfacing. This can be painful as well as soothing. My child thinks that this means my mother was good. Then I have to break it to her that if my mother didn’t stand by while her husband was raping me I would not need to be soothed. If my mother had protected me there wouldn’t be this anxiety V. When you cry who is it that is crying? D. If there is screaming, sobbing or terror then it is the child. If it's a quiet tear that rolls down my cheek and there is mourning, grieving, amazement or gratitude then it's adult. V. Do you have a hard time believing your child? D. At times I could not believe the incredible, unspeakable things that she said happened. Then my life would be hell, I would be filled with pain, intense anxiety and confusion. I would become paranoid, believing that people around me today hated me or were out to get me. Believing her became a very practical and pragmatic thing because when I said to her "I believe you, tell me what happened" then all the pain would go away. The confusion would go away. I would be left with the memory that might leave me incredulous but the pain would be gone. That was all the proof I needed. V. What happens if you don’t parent your child? D. That can happen really easily if I’m tired. She will start to tantrum and if I don’t parent her then I will look for a parent outside of myself. I will look to my partner or friends. I will imagine they are either my awful parents and I will pull for a fight or I will imagine that they are my fantasized good parents and that they will take care of me. When they can’t or won’t look after me then I hate them. Finally I will get a handle on it and realize this is j ust too intense, this cannot be about the present and I begin to parent myself. Sometimes I check with the person, "did you shut the kitchen door because you’re trying to shut me out?" "No, I thought you might want to sleep some more," replies my partner. Sometimes I have to apologize. V. What does your child want in her life? D. She wants to be listened to and heard, and not j ust when there is a crisis but everyday, she wants me to tell her that I can’t be pushed away, that I love her. She wants me to never listen to the "mother Maureen" that is inside my head, the perfectionistic, terrifying hypochondriac. V. What do you the adult want? D. I want peace. I want to live in the present with my partner, to have a good relationship with my partner. I want to go to the movies sometimes. I want to have a family. I don’t need "excitement"; I had enough "excitement" in my childhood to last ten lifetimes. I want some peace. V. Your inner child did not ask for things, she asked that you love her. Are the things that your inner child does ask for, hairstyles, a bicycle, or certain clothes, really j ust vehicles for her to see that you love her, that you are listening to her? D. Objects and things are some of the ways that the love and respect are shown. In Montessori it is believed that the only way you can raise a child is to get down on their level. You have to go to them. Bradshaw says that if you do that, they will grow up. The good parents that I see in my work, they make time to spend with their kids, they are attentive. Often it is about making space for later. It is actually nowhere near as hard as my mother would have me believe. V. Thank you for doing this interview. D. I really enjoyed it, my inner child too, can she tell you something? She wants you to write down three books that she found the absolutely most useful, "The courage to heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis which is for everyone it's about how to be human, "the Obsidian Mirror" by Louise, M. Wisechild and "Homecoming, reclaiming your inner child" by John Bradshaw, thank you. Your feedback concerning the preceding article is encouraged and welcomed. Personal Journeys: a picture from one of the ASCA meetings in South Africa Annoucements If you have expertise and time to promote our web page within the Internet, please contact George at georgebilotta@charter.net for details. If there are changes in Co-Secretary assignments, please let George know so that he can forward a hard copy or an email with an attached file of the ASCA News to the correct person. Also if Co-Secretaries have a change in address, telephone number or email, please send these changes to: telephone: 508.835.6054, email: georgebilotta@cs.net, mailing address: 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583- 1020. If you would like to be interviewed for the upcoming February 1st issue, please email me at georgebilotta@charter.net or call me at 508.835.6054. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is December 15th for the February 1st edition. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is February 15th for the April 1st edition. Remember that if you want to submit an article for the February 1st issue of the ASCA News, our deadline is January 4th for written articles. If your meeting is not receiving the ASCA News please contact George Bilotta. How to order the Survivor to Thriver manual? First, the manual can be downloaded from our web page for free. Second, to purchase a copy of the manual, send a check or money order payable to "The Morris Center" for $24.00 (add $5.00 for orders outside of US, i.e., $29.00). Mail to George Bilotta, Survivor to Thriver, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, U.S.A. Manuals are sent priority mail usually within a few days. If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, PhD, welcomes your inquiries. Phone Dr. Bilotta in Massachusetts at 508.835.6054 or email him at georgebilotta@charter.net. Never hesitate to call or email. If you would like to contribute a poem, art or an article to our ASCA News please contact us. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, consultant, George Bilotta, PhD, welcomes your inquiries, phone: Dr. Bilotta in Massachusetts at 508.835.6054 or e-mail him at: georgebilotta@charter.net. Never hesitate to call or e-mail. If you would like to contribute a poem, picture/art, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • October 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 phone: 415.928.4576 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta Our October edition resonates with a strong voice from an ASCA meeting in South Africa. Their meeting started earlier this year and has flourished. Through anonymous letters, six ASCA participants express their appreciation for ASCA and thank some of the people associated with the program. They describe how they have been growing. In addition, Rana Eschur offers some of her thoughts on Step 7. I want to thank them for taking the time to share their heart-felt thoughts and experiences with us. You will find a wonderful poem, reflex-tions, by Ahimsa Timoteo Bodhrán in this issue. In the section, Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for October, I discuss how to find additional topics in our ASCA Format & Meeting Support Materials manual found on our web page: www.ascasupport.org. In the Ongoing Education Moment piece, I discuss the difficult topic of dis-inviting and prohibiting a member from participating in ASCA. The next time you visit our web page at www.ascasupport.org, you will notice that our home page has a link to Amazon.com. We have become part of the Amazon.com Associates Program. Through this program, we receive a referral commission on any item that a person purchases at Amazon.com when the person goes to Amazon.com through our web page. So the next time that you decide to buy a book, CD, etc from Amazon.com please remember to go to Amazon.com through our web page first, thus generating for us a small commission. You might also let your family, friends and co-workers know that one way to help financially support THE MORRIS CENTER and ASCA is by going through our web page when purchasing items at Amazon.com. We will be building a bibliography on our web page within the Amazon.com Associates section. If you have suggestions of book, tapes, video, etc. that you have found helpful for your recovery process, please forward to me the author, title, publisher and copyright date for possible inclusion. Thanks. Remember if you would like to be interviewed for the December issue of the ASCA News, you need to contact me by October 7th to initiate the process. Please refer to the September issue of the ASCA News for details concerning the new ASCA News format coming on December 1st. We will be using the month of November as a transition month. Therefore we will not publish the ASCA News in November. As a friendly reminder during the United Way's annual appeal, I am asking you to consider giving a donation to THE MORRIS CENTER and our ASCA program through the United Way. All you need to do is request on the United Way form that your United Way contribution be directed to: The Norma J. Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 14477, San Francisco, CA 94 114. If you do not contribute to the United Way, we encourage you to think about forwarding a donation directly to THE MORRIS CENTER. Please make your check payable to: THE MORRIS CENTER. Mail your contribution to: THE MORRIS CENTER, PO Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94 114. Thank you for your consideration. No donation is ever too small. David Vandevert, MFT, one of THE MORRIS CENTER's Board members, will be hosting a Co-Secretary training on Sunday, October 28th, in Berkeley. If you are interested in participating please contact David at his office phone: 510.524.5946 or his e-mail: davmft@aol.com. ASCA Members from South Africa Speak! Anonymous One It has been a year since I have started dealing with the incest which stopped when I fell pregnant with my father's child. It was at that time that I thought I was going crazy. I was desperately looking for help so I started phoning around looking for help. When I phoned WMACA and spoke to Rana, she was a great deal of support which I could not find any where else at the time. She then said WMACA would be starting a group for adult survivors of child abuse which I think happened about four month's ago. I must say if I look back, it has been one of the hardest yet most liberating experiences of my life. It has been hard in that I am forced to deal with what happened (the steps take you back to when the abuse was taking place). Memories and emotions have come back that I thought were long gone, but it has been made easier due to the fact that I am not alone. There are people who are around me who will love, understand and support me through all of this. When I talk about this being a liberating process, it has given me the opportunity to get to know the real me, not the person who was wounded by my father's disease. I have also found healthier ways to be in the world and for that I will always be eternally grateful. I hope that gives you some idea what the group has done for me. Anonymous Two Deeper awareness about the consequences and repercussions of being abused as a child - abuse in myself and other people affected has filled me with compassion for these people. Anonymous Three I am impressed with the group content. I believe this information is backed by thorough research. It is written in an easy manner and is therefore not onerous to read or study. I felt like a bit of a fake when I first joined the group and heard some of the members' stories. As the group has progressed, I've realized how well structured the course is and because of this I have been able to acknowledge that which I've avoided for many years. Yes, I was emotionally abused as a child, and my family was seriously dysfunctional. I am impressed with the level of facilitation. I have been in quite a few groups over the years. On occasion I have been in groups where I have doubted the ability of the facilitator and have, as a consequence, felt very unsafe. I have always felt supported, secure, and safe in this group. I am very impressed with Rana. She is articulate, sensitive and has obviously had a sound training in facilitation. My wish for the future of our group is that it will be a nucleus for many more such groups. Anonymous Four At the beginning of the year, I received a phone call from Rana asking me to join her on the radio to speak as an adult survivor. I heard from her about the start of the ASCA support group which I immediately joined, primarily with the idea of becoming a facilitator. Having myself been through a long, difficult and painful process of healing, my wish was to put something back in order to share the gifts that my own healing has brought and with the knowledge of j ust how difficult a process this is, that through my own healing, I could offer support and inspiration to others. Personally, I have been able to effect even more of my own healing, finding nuances and subtler aspects that still lurked as a legacy of the childhood sexual abuse I had experienced. Also, being witness in the group to others who share so many of the difficulties, reminded me of my own struggles and brought me an ever stronger affirmation of my recovery. It also enables me to truly appreciate j ust how daunting the recovery process can be and what a victory it really is to move into Thriver! I find the ASCA programme to be remarkably positive and effective. I've seen the impact being part of the group has on the members and recall how isolated and alone I felt through much of my healing. It is evident that a group such as this makes a huge difference to the healing process, and from my observation, can actually accelerate the process. It has become a safe haven, a harbour in the storm, a place where we are free to be. Something especially encouraging for me is the focus on the positive aspects of self and a moving away from 'victimhood' (or being stuck in the wound), which could result in going in endless circles for some, and never truly healing. ASCA definitely moves one through the different phases into something more liberated and whole. Being a facilitator for the group has also furthered my growth. Facilitating requires objectivity and an ability to hold those in the group in their own truth, with love and acceptance, whatever their truth may be, or however it may differ from my own. This brings an ever-widening perspective to my own views and removes more barriers and restrictions in my life. It has also taught me tolerance and patience beyond what I believed myself capable of. From the experience I have been able to become more 'detached' (i.e. not self-absorbed) and observant, able to be more aware of the state of being of those in the group and how that might affect others. Initially I found it required a large degree of concentration but as I facilitate more meetings, have been able to relax into the role, and is something which I always look forward to doing. The Facilitator role is a key component of the programme, one which ensures the safety and consistency of the group and helps create the necessary safe space for healing and for me it's an honour to be able to be doing this. Anonymous Five Dearest Rana, This is a letter to say: "Thank You". I had been EXTREMELY depressed, and the blackness surrounding my heart started surrounding my mind, and I realized that I'm dying inside. My heart and my mind finally came to a standstill. My mother and I don't have a "communicational" connection, and my husband cannot understand me, help, or support me emotionally. "Stop digging in the past, let bygones be bygones" is his favourite saying. I NEVER buy the Sarie magazine, but on Monday 7th May 2001, I bought one - at the time, I really didn't know why - NOW I KNOW! I was paging through the magazine and kept putting it down, then picking it up and turning the pages and putting it down. Eventually on the 6th attempt of emotionless paging through - I got to page 75, and gosh what a moment. There I was (me of all people) reading news bits on health (of all the things), and it honestly changed my life forever. I phoned you. Something that really touched me when I phoned was your word at the end of the conversation, (while I was still sobbing). "Are you going to be OK?" You gave me your cell phone number to call you anytime I felt that I needed you. I could feel the warmth and true concern in your voice, and it really touched me. The sincerity in your voice was something that I've never experienced. The peace and calmness that came over me was incredible. My "adoption" process began. A genuine, loving, truly understanding, and warm- hearted family of friends have adopted me. People, who can TRULY relate to who I am, REALLY understand why I am the way I am, and with TRUE FEELINGS empathize and acknowledge my pain, confusion, shame, anger, and feelings of failure, blame and worthlessness. I get my strength and willpower to face the world for the next week, in my group. I feel supported, loved, accepted and most of all WORTHY and alive. This is the most difficult road to walk, the sexual, emotional and physical abuse has been part of my life for almost 20 years, I cannot expect to wake-up one morning and be "cured" of my pain, confusion, shame, anger and feelings of failure, blame and worthlessness. My journey to become a THRIVER is a rough and bumpy road, sometimes an uphill battle, sometimes a downhill slide, but so much easier, calmer and made possible because of the love and care I feel in my group. I've been to three different psychologists over the years, but medical aid only covers a specific amount of sessions. I cannot afford to pay for a therapist myself, but the group allows me to be a member unconditionally, so in my way I contribute with small things to say "Thank You" for the availability of this group. From the bottom of my heart, "Thank You for MY opportunity to be a member of a group like ASCA". With a precious thank you from me. Anonymous Six To Everyone That Has Made ASCA Possible... A huge THANK YOU. I joined the group in April 2001 and since then I have grown so much. I now know that I am not crazy and that all my current circumstances / behaviours / feelings can be traced to the childhood abuse. I started to live a fuller life. I have more confidence & more feelings. I find that I am more present in my body & consequently in my life. Of the major gifts that I have been given through attending the ASCA group is • Complete acceptance for who & what I am. • Safety & security within the group - his aspect of my life I have managed to extend to my workplace, home, & relationships. • The power to change bad things for good. I have learned that I do not have to accept bad circumstances; I can make decisions to have the circumstances become good. • Self-love & the ability to extend love to people around me, without jeopardizing myself. • The knowledge that I do not have to self-sabotage myself, I can self-soothe rather. • AND most important of all - the knowledge that I am a survivor & will become a thriver - I AM NOT A VICTIM. About the group environment... I have found that there is a lot of love, acceptance, safety, security, encouragement, & courage shared in the group. For me, by being involved in the group, I not only learned about these things, I have also learned how to extend this firstly to myself & then to the people in my life. Thank you to the facilitators & everyone that made this program possible - thank you for giving me back to me. A grateful member of the group. Poetry reflex-tions by Ahimsa Timoteo Bodhrán, Copyright 2001 Feedback to poet: c/o ASCA daddy i know u never touched me (at least not like that) but u don't need ta touch someone in order ta make them feel uncomfortable in their own home daddy those times when we used ta lay tagether in yr bed in our underwears (like spoons one cuppin another) they still with me those nights u'd come home alcohol on yr breath how yr elastic watchband would catch the hairs on my head n pull them out one by one even as u tried ta pull away (how u'd always apologize for bein so clumsy) it's why i still flinch whenever yr hand comes near why i stopped drinkin three years ago (well that n the rape n the fact that i started sayin i "needed" a drink instead of sayin i "wanted" one) it's why i always sober now n why i want ta know exactly what's goin on at all times wherever i am whoever i'm with daddy i want ta come ta u with open arms but these fists r cramped they won't uncurl You can contribute to the Poetry section by either sending your poems directly to the Poetry Editor, James Daniel or to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com. Possible Rotation C Topic: Revisiting Topics from Our Web Page Are you aware that there are over 35 different topics listed and elaborated upon in our web page for your meeting's use in Rotation C Topic ASCA meetings? These topics and accompanying narratives can be found in the ASCA Meeting Format and Support Materials manual. To locate these suggested topics on our web page click the hyperlink ASCA Meeting Format & Support Materials from our home page or Materials on the bottom index bar of most pages. Either hyperlink will take you to the ASCA Meeting Format and Support Materials manual's Table of Contents. The last listing in the Table of Contents is Topics for Rotation C Meetings. Click this hyperlink. It will bring you directly to the Suggested Topics for Rotation C Meetings page. ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Dis-Inviting an ASCA Participant Under certain extreme conditions the co-secretaries in conj unction with the meeting membership have the option, authority and responsibility to dis-invite and prohibit a survivor from participating in ASCA meetings. This has happened only three times since 1993. It is a strong and decisive action taken by the co-secretaries and the meeting membership to guarantee the ongoing safety of the group. There are two basic conditions that trigger the process of dis-inviting someone from participating in ASCA meetings. First, the individual refuses to observe the meeting guidelines. In the past this has focused on a survivor who also happens to be a perpetrator. The person has a need to discuss issues and personal dynamics connected with perpetrating abuse on others. Usually, the person is seeking help. However, ASCA is a program for survivors of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse or neglect. ASCA is not a program to assist people with their perpetration issues and behavior. Such a person needs assistance that ASCA is not designed to offer. This person needs to be referred to another appropriate program where he/she can receive the necessary help that they seek. If a person is presently perpetrating or in the recent pass perpetrated abuse on a child or teenager, he/she is not an appropriate candidate for ASCA. The second condition that triggers the process of dis-inviting is more difficult to articulate. It pertains to an ASCA participant, who in the big picture is perpetrating some type of abuse, or taking advantage of the meeting, or taking advantage of some of its members. It might be a situation whereby the person consistently shares in a manner that is offensive and/or antagonistic to other members. Usually the share is highly sexualized in nature. To many people within the group, the shares appear more in the service of titillating and harassing rather than to deal and focus with past abuse. The confirmation of this dynamic is that many if not most people have the same negative reaction over a period of time to these repeated types of shares. Another situation involves a participant harassing a member(s) of the group, maybe for dating purposes. The person's boundaries are poor. The person may be taking advantage of the vulnerability of a group member(s). The person may try to ingratiate him/herself to a member of the group and then try to take advantage of the person. When a difficult situation like any of the above occurs in the meeting, the co- secretaries should check out and discuss the situation between themselves and with other senior members of the ASCA meeting. To help clarify, gain perspective and strategize options and possible interventions, the co-secretaries might consider contacting George Bilotta to discuss the situation. Dr. Bilotta can be a wonderful resource and helpful ally in such situations. Co-secretaries always have the authority to ask a participant to leave a meeting at any time. To enact the process of dis-inviting and prohibiting the person from future ASCA meetings, the co-secretaries should take the meeting membership into counsel through a business meeting. When a person is officially dis-invited from attending ASCA meetings he/she should be given other local resources that might be useful. The dis-invited person should also be told that if he/she should try to attend an ASCA meeting in the future, that the co-secretaries will immediately and automatically call the police to have the person removed. It is the standard procedure, no if, ands or buts. The process of dis-inviting is a rare occurrence. Since most ASCA meetings are open to the general public, at times a person who is not an appropriate candidate for ASCA may appear in a meeting. Though the process of dis-inviting may raise anxiety, fears, and other distressing feelings, it is an opportune occasion to practice assertiveness, firmness, compassion and courage. It is an opportunity to practice teamwork and collaboration. It is an invitation to stretch ourselves and grow. Step Elaboration by Rana Eschur Step Elaboration augments the material provided within our Survivor to Thriver manual Step 7: I can sense my inner child whose efforts to survive now can be appreciated. It is so inconceivable for me to acknowledge that at the very depths of my pain is a wounded child. Being a child you see was too painful, there was too much violation, too much anger, too much blame, too much shame, too much guilt, too much hate, too much conflict, too much control, too much shouting, too much emotional turmoil - there was simply too much of everything! "Grow up!!! You are not a child anymore" is branded on to my psyche - it's tattooed on my mind. So, maybe my total resistance and inability to call this part of myself, my inner child, is knowing that there is an absolute denial of me as a child!! Have I forsaken my inner child? - maybe - let's see what happens! What I do acknowledge is that there is a highly neglected, deeply hurting, murderously angry, brutally betrayed, viciously self-loathing and completely abandoned part of myself that I negate, that I continuously disregard . . . but calling this part of me, my inner child, is simply to painful - this for me is inconceivable. My inner child is dead - I aborted her a long time ago and the hysterectomy that followed has left behind in its wake only a hallowed out ugly scar! Is this denial extreme and irrevocable? - maybe - let's see what happens! I don't remember there being a specific day in which I took my inner child's life. I poisoned her mind with hate and anger. I butchered her heart when I refused to give her the love she craved and that had been denied her so long. I suffocated her when I could not cast out her demons. I murdered her innocence by denying her childhood. I destroyed her hopes and dreams by negating them. I exterminated her fairy tale world with a belief in no happy endings. I massacred her self-esteem with the scorch from my blames bonfire. I extinguished the wonder in her eyes and broke her smile. I have a sense of her salted tears that kept falling like rain while I became weary of feeling her pain. She tried desperately to make me love her until I hated her instead. I killed her . . . and now she is living her death! This forsaken part of myself hides within the dark recesses that devourer my mind and I surprisingly crave the blackness in which it lives. This "inner child" will continue to remain reviled until I can acknowledge how her pain is my own, and to do that is to risk the very ground I stand on! So who is this "child" that hides in darkness, peeking fearfully from behind the black vale of me? I hear her violently shriek with anger - "Who would I have been had you let me live"? My inability to answer her question fills me with unfathomable sadness - I have no sense of who she might have been! - I have no comprehension of who I might have been had I not killed her! How could I when I have no recollection of the girl that used to be me! So in profound pain I answer: "Do you see me retching and trembling in the shame of my all"? "I is broken?" she responds "I know . . . I am a gurgling infant . . . with big blue eyes. I am an inquisitive toddler …with questioning blue eyes. I am a sad and lonely, severed from hope, abused and abandoned young child . . . with pain filled blue eyes. I am a full of rage, despair, self-loathing, seeker of solace teenager . . . with deadening blue eyes. And now I am an adult . . . with hope filled blue eyes! Annoucements How to order the Survivor to Thriver manual? First, the manual can be downloaded from our web page for free. Second, to purchase a copy of the manual, send a check or money order payable to The Morris Center for $24.00 (add $5.00 for orders outside of US, i.e., $29.00). Mail to George Bilotta, Survivor to Thriver, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, U.S.A. Manuals are sent priority mail usually within a few days. If you have editing skills and want to volunteer to assist with preparing the ASCA News for publication, or if you enjoy writing and would like to write a story for the ASCA News, or if you have expertise and time to promote our web page within the Internet, please contact George Bilotta for details. If there are changes in Co-Secretary assignments, please let us know so we can forward a hard copy or a email with an attached file of the ASCA News to the correct person. Also if Co-Secretaries have a change in address, telephone number or email, please send these changes to: email: georgebilotta@charter.net, telephone: 508.835.6054, mailing address: 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020. If you would like to be interviewed for the upcoming December 1st issue, please email me at georgebilotta@charter.net or call me at 508.835.6054. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is October 7th for the December 1st edition. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is December 7th for the February 1st edition. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is February 7th for the April 1st edition. Remember that if you want to submit an article for the December issue of the ASCA News, our deadline is October 7th for interviews, November 1st for written articles. If your meeting is not receiving the ASCA News contact George Bilotta. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, consultant, George Bilotta, PhD, welcomes your inquiries, phone: Dr. Bilotta in Massachusetts at 508.835.6054 or e-mail him at: georgebilotta@charter.net. Never hesitate to call or e-mail. If you would like to contribute a poem, picture/art, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • September 2001 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta At the Board's meeting in late July, they came up with a wonderful idea. In an effort to increase participation in the creation of the ASCA News we are initiating a new venture. First, we are thinking of publishing the ASCA News on a bimonthly basis instead of issuing a monthly newsletter. The first bimonthly edition will be published on December 1st, followed by February 1st, April 1st, etc. We will use November as a transition month. Therefore the ASCA News will not be published in November. The creative and exciting part of our newsletter experiment is to reach out to you, the reader. We invite you to participate in creating the ASCA News by volunteering to be interviewed over the telephone or through email. In revving up for the December issue, our October issue will publish comments and observations from six different ASCA participants from South Africa. Their comments might give you a feel for what we are trying to create in the new ASCA News format. If you volunteer to be interviewed by me, I will forward to you the topic along with several questions that we would be exploring through the interview. For example, your interview might focus on your approach to recovery, how you work an individual Step, etc. By emailing you the topic and the basic questions ahead of time, you would have time to think about what you would like to say. You might even decide to jot down some notes or write-up your responses. I will probably ask additional questions based upon your responses during the interview to elicit more information. You and I would decide upon a mutual time for me to telephone you. I would tape the interview. I would then transcribe parts of the interview and write-up your part of the article in your words. At that point I would email your section back to you to see if you wanted to make any changes. You would then email the article back to me. An article might consist of pieces from the transcription of one, two or three interviewees depending upon who volunteers to be interviewed. If a telephone interview is not practical because of distance or impossible scheduling conflicts then we could explore doing an interview via email. The bottom-line, if you want to be interviewed, I will do whatever I can to make it happen. We want you expressed in the ASCA News! In addition, various Board members will take turns writing a new piece: Thought Leadership. Beginning in December one of the Board members will articulate some aspect of his or her thinking on recovery, the direction of THE MORRIS CENTER and ASCA, or any other leadership related thoughts concerning recovery and our organization. This new piece, Thought Leadership, will offer our readership some insights into the thinking of the various Board members. Another new piece for the newsletter will be Life Stories. This piece is meant to provide any of our survivor readers an opportunity to share his or her life story. If you volunteer to be interviewed, I would interview you based on what you want to share with the readership. Again, I would tape the telephone interview, write the article, and send it to you for any possible adj ustments or changes. You might also choose to write your own piece instead of being interviewed. There are many possibilities. As always you may also choose to write an article and we will publish it in the newsletter, along with poetry, survivor art descriptions and the web page. Volunteer interviewees would have the opportunity to use their real name or a pseudonym. Our guidelines for articles are our standard ASCA meeting guidelines. For additional information concerning length, deadlines, etc, please contact me. To make this promising venture a success, we need your assistance. We want our newsletter to be more about you, the reader. If you would like to be interviewed for the December 1st issue, please email me at georgebilotta@cs.com or call me at 508.835.6054. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is October 7th for the December 1st edition. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is December 7th for the February 1st edition. The deadline to initiate the process to be interviewed is February 7th for the April 1st edition. If you would like to be part of our inaugural newsletter you need to let me know of your interest to be interviewed by the 7th of October. I look forward to hearing from you and collaborating with you. A Reflective Moment for September Caring for Our Bodies by George Bilotta For this month's reflection, I thought that it might be a helpful exercise to discuss our body and how the body impacts our recovery process. Whether we were physically, sexually and/or emotionally abused, our body was impacted. We store what is commonly referred to as body memory within our body as a result of the abuse. (You might find it helpful to refer to Step 4 in our Survivor to Thriver manual, page 75, which discusses body memories.) At one time or another, we may take our body for granted. It is j ust there, more functional and mechanical rather than a creation of wonder, beauty and grace. Often we pay attention to the body only when it hurts due to sickness or an accident. Again we may pay attention when the body feels uncomfortable due to indigestion from eating fatty foods, bloating from over eating, stressed from overworking, irritable and tired from lack of sleep, etc. Body Influencing Recovery From the perspective of recovery from childhood abuse, the manner by which we go about attending to, caring for and treating our body on an ongoing daily basis will directly and often profoundly influence our recovery process. Why? The body provides fundamental energy for our recovery efforts and for daily living. For survivors who often feel depressed, tired, overwhelmed and sluggish, adding energy to the body can be practical and helpful. In addition, through the body and its senses, we experience and interact with people, events and things around us. As the primary instrument for embracing the world, without a proper functioning body everything else seems to falter. We live and experience life through our bodies. Through our bodies, we literally touch the world. Touching and being touched physically is one of the reassuring and comforting joys of life. Many survivors have been robbed of this simple pleasure. A body that has been abused physically, sexually and/or emotionally has to varying degrees been numbed, desensitized, constricted and inhibited. As adult survivors if we do not consciously and deliberately attend with thoughtfulness and care to our body, our body along with its senses of sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing will continue to be lulled to sleep, dulled and anesthetized. When our senses become emotionally unresponsive, the world often looks and is experienced as gloomy, dreary, depressing, unattractive, gray, monotonous, stale, and lifeless. In such scenarios there is little meaning and purpose to getting up in the morning. There is little motivation to work on recovery. Most people tend to take their body for granted. They usually do not pay attention to nor listen to their body. They do not acknowledge what their body is revealing to them, what it is craving and needing. How does your body fundamentally feel? In general does your body feel alive, vibrant, relaxed, free, energized, open, comfortable, at home, alert, graceful, healthy, light, grounded, calm, harmonious, soft, rested, peaceful, animated, refreshed, strong, coordinated, etc.? Does it feel dirty, corrupted, crushed, awkward, tense, wooden, mechanical, heavy, frozen, tired, uptight, stiff, strained, betrayed, alienated, self-conscious, inadequate, inferior, closed-off, agitated, anxious, restless, pushed, sore, rag-dollish, closed down, etc.? Through childhood abuse our body was usually not respected, cared for nor nurtured. For our perpetrator(s) our body was a thing, an object to be used for pleasure or as an object on which to purposefully inflict pain. Our body may have been brutalized, assaulted, punished, battered, kicked, slapped, raped, invaded, used, threatened, attacked, inj ured, sexualized, forced, violated, harmed, desecrated, pushed, ignored, etc. Why Care for the Body? Why is taking care of our body so important for recovery? As I mentioned earlier, our body generates energy for daily living. We need energy to do the things that we are called to do throughout the day. When we thoughtfully attend to our body, with nurture, we counter depression. If part of depression is the lack of energy, then energizing the body will help balance off some of our emotional depression. In addition, as we thoughtfully care for our body, we stop taking our self for granted. We add to our sense of self-worth. By purposefully and resourcefully caring for our body, we reintroduce and/or increase gentleness, soothing and sensuality into our lives. Caring for the body has a way of increasing a sense of self-appreciation, balance and perspective. When we thoughtfully care for our body, we support our ongoing recovery efforts. Some Ideas on Caring for Our Bodies Sleep & Rest The first way to care for our body is to ensure sufficient sleep. Many people are perpetually tired due to insufficient sleep. They are sleep deprived. Most people require an average of 8 hours of sleep per night. Most people experience a significant difference in energy level and thus coping capacity when they have 7 to 8 hours of sleep versus 5 to 6 hours of sleep. When we are well rested, we cope better with the daily concerns, hassles, problems, difficulties and inconveniences of life. It takes energy to cope. It takes energy to process and manage the feelings that come up for us as we tell our story of abuse over and over again, as we develop new skills and ways of being with our selves and others. Relaxation A second way of caring for our bodies is through regular relaxation. The body craves refreshment throughout the day. The body calls for re-balancing following a period of work, a period of pushing the body. For example, many people perform simple stretching exercises, yoga or use other Eastern traditions of meditation to relax and replenish their body during the day. Others have learned to relax and restore themselves through their senses. For example, through the sense of smell, people burn candles or incense. They smell flowers. We call this aromatherapy today. Through the sense of taste, we can learn to eat slowly, nibbling and concentrating on flavors and textures of foods and drink. The sense of touch offers the opportunity for self-massage or massage administered by another. Playing in clay or finger-painting can be relaxing for some people. Through our hearing, we can listen to music, listen to silence, listen to tapes with guided meditations, poetry, etc. Our sense of sight invites us to relax by pondering and gazing upon beauty, art and nature. Nutrition: Water and Food Nutritional professionals encourage us to drink 8 glasses of water a day. Through drinking water, we cleanse our bodies of various toxins and prevent dehydration. People who drink sufficient water report that they feel cleaner, have fewer digestive and intestinal problems, report less skin problems and have more energy. Eating a balanced diet provides the fuel for our body to turn into energy. Again nutritional professions encourage several smaller meals throughout the day rather than one big meal especially in the evening. In taking care of our body, in nurturing our body, we are called to develop a consciousness and a reflectivity about what we choose to eat. Sometimes we do not have a choice. For example when we are a guest, we may have limited choices. Most of the time however, we can choose when and what to eat. Some survivors have various eating and food disorders that resulted from being abused. This creates additional challenges for these survivors who struggle to take care of their bodies. Hygiene Proper and ordinary hygiene practices, not only keep our bodies clean and free of diseases, but they can also be transformed into nurturing experiences of self- soothing, self-intimacy, self-awareness. Whether we are talking about bathing the entire body, or focusing on a specific area of the body, like teeth, fingernails, toenails, hair, hands, feet, etc., brushing, scrubbing, washing, bathing, cleaning, these common everyday practices can become a conscious reconnection with the body rather than an unreflective task. They can become multiple ways of gently caressing, loving and empowering our body. Exercise Exercising the body can become a major ally in our recovery process. Exercise helps to counter depression. Exercise is an excellent way of ridding the body of stress. Exercise in general invigorates and enlivens. It does not matter whether we engage in gentle stretching, walking, running, swimming, aerobics, weight lifting, etc. From a recovery perspective exercise simply will help invigorate the body. Summary Many survivors have participated in various body therapies that they have found helpful and powerful for their recovery. There are many schools of thought proposing different approaches to nurturing, healing and restoring the body, especially the body that has been traumatized through childhood abuse. If you have the financial resources you might want to explore some of these alternative and complimentary avenues for healing. My bottom line is simple. Paying attention to our body, not taking the body for granted, approaching the care of our bodies in a thoughtful, gentle and reverential manner could be a wonderful and potent ally in our ongoing process of recovery from childhood abuse. How do you plan to attend to your body today? You can offer feedback concerning the preceding and following articles by sending an email either to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com or directly to George at georgebilotta@cs.com. Mailing addresses are included either in the beginning masthead or in the contact information at the conclusion of the newsletter. Your comments will be gratefully received. Poetry Editor: James Daniel Greetings from the new poetry editor of the ASCA News. Since the earliest I can remember, poetry has been a big part of my life. The rhythms and rhymes of nursery rhymes read to me by my grandmother were a great comfort to me growing up. Now I'm writing my own. I feel very fortunate to share them here with you. The poetic art form has allowed me to dabble in the world of archetype. Use of symbol and metaphor has helped me see things from my past with a new, wider and more compassionate perspective. A lot of healing has been bestowed upon me through the grace of poetry. I encourage all you poets and potential poets to send in your poems with themes of childhood abuse and neglect. Let me know if you'd like to be considered for publication in the ASCA News. I can't promise that every single poem sent to me will appear in the ASCA News, but I can promise you that I'll sincerely read what's sent to me. If you're a new poet, still developing your style, in want of assistance or feedback on your creative endeavors, I'll be glad to help out. I'm always good for an encouraging critique. I believe self-empowerment can be found, embodied and glorified through the written word. Happy writing! You can contribute to the Poetry section by either sending your poems directly to the Poetry Editor, James Daniel or to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com. Poetry Walking on Shells by James Daniel, Copyright 2001 Feedback to poet: ribturtle@aol.com When it was least expected Came the beatings Just when the egg shells I was walking on Stopped crunching under my feet Came the beatings Just when I thought I was in the clear When for a second I didn't feel the fear Came the beatings Arms out of nowhere flailing around Whirling like the blades of a crazy helicopter And I couldn't get out of the way. The impact on my spine The impact on my shoulder blades Hair being pulled Thrown up against walls Like a rag doll I let her have her way with me As I watched it from the ceiling Hiding behind the blades of the ceiling fan Obscuring my senses j ust enough Not to believe it was happening As it was happening. And afterward, after the sick wind retreated I'd gather myself up Collect myself as best I could Feeling defeated, feeling ashamed Why couldn't I protect myself? Why couldn't I fight back? And where was my father? Why couldn't he protect me? Wasn't that his job? And why did my mother hate me so? And why would she pretend as if nothing happened each morning after? I believed I'd be bald by the time I graduated from high school That is, if I ever made it to high school I'd run away but they'd come after me And make it twice as bad as it was before I'd love to tell someone, but who would believe me? The bruises weren't big enough At least not on the outside So I go back to walking on shells Keeping my antennae continually on the rise Picking up on subtleties, in hopes of being better prepared For the next inevitable surprise. Possible Rotation C Topic: Ongoing Commitment to Recovery n the meeting it might be helpful to use the Summary paragraph at the end of the Step Elaboration article on Step 3 as an introduction to a Rotation C Topic for September. Questions: 1. What might dilute your commitment to recovery? 2. What encourages and fosters your ongoing commitment to recovery? 3. What has been your experience of your commitment to your recovery process? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Supporting THE MORRIS CENTER & Our ASCA Program Every year around this time, and only once a year, I raise the question of monetary support for THE MORRIS CENTER and our ASCA program. I do this at this time of year to coincide with the United Way's annual fundraising campaign. We exist and have been successful financially in part because of the continued generosity of Norma Morris and other financial donors, perhaps like you. Many people throughout the year give some type of financial donation(s) to their favorite charities. We simply ask that you consider giving a donation to The Morris Center and ASCA. Raising money for adult survivors of childhood abuse continues to be extremely difficult and almost nonexistent. We often cannot even find a grant to which to apply that fits what we do through ASCA . If you give to your United Way, all you need to do is request on the form that your United Way contribution be directed to: The Norma J. Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse, PO Box 14477, San Francisco, CA 94114. If you do not contribute to the United Way, we encourage you to think about forwarding a donation directly to The Morris Center. Please make your check payable to: The Morris Center and mail to: The Morris Center, PO Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94 114. Thank you for your consideration. No donation is ever too small. Step Elaboration We continue the monthly Step series by George J. Bilotta, Ph.D. Step Elaboration augments the material provided within our Survivor to Thriver manual Step 3: I have made a commitment to recovery from my childhood abuse Commitment - Doing Something About It Step 3's commitment to recovery implies a promise to oneself. We promise to do something about it, the abuse, (Survivor to Thriver, page 74), that we suffered years ago along with the disruptive consequences that continue to follow us. Through ASCA to do something about it includes committing ourselves to Stage One Remembering no matter how difficult and painful. We tell our story about the abuse as well as its past and present consequences. We tell our story over and over and over again until the negative emotion has been significantly decreased. In addition, we tell our story continuously until we gain sufficient awareness of how the abuse in the past has influenced us and continues to influence and affect us. Based upon this awareness and knowledge gained through Stage One, in Stage Two Mourning we commit to do something about it by assessing and working on resolving the painful feelings and harmful effects of the abuse. Continuously telling our story makes us acutely aware of difficult feelings that need to be acknowledged, expressed and managed. We also uncover a discerning truth about the destructive impact of the abuse on our body, mind and soul. In Stage Three Healing, we commit to an ongoing process of growth. From an ASCA perspective, this growth process includes and concludes recovery with the formation of a new self and the reunion of one's soul (Step 21). I prefer discussing the formation of a new self as a self that lives in a healthy manner and enjoys a meaningful and fulfilling life. We also call this thriving. Commitment's Dilution and Encouragement Since Step 3 includes the ongoing commitment to one's recovery, we must also be aware of what can dilute our commitment to recovery. Also, what encourages and fosters an ongoing commitment to recovery? First, however, we must acknowledge that recovery from childhood abuse is difficult, painful, often confusing and full of unpredictable repercussions. Recovery stretches us, challenges us, and often results in feeling uncomfortable. Recovery demands time, energy, focus and planning. Survivors who approach recovery haphazardly gain limited progress. Recovery is more a deliberate and thoughtful process. What Might Dilute Our Commitment to Recovery? Many factors contribute to the dilution of our self-promise to recovery. Some of these factors include feeling overwhelmed, unbearable pain, feeling exhausted and drained, and a lack of support from family and friends. In addition, unrealistic expectations and a self-imposed recovery timetable could result in a sense of frustration and failure. Furthermore, life's distractions and realities like employment and careers both domestic and professional can dilute our available time and energy. The usual and average daily stressors associated with living, working, recreating, as well as obligations to family, friends, work, community, church, volunteer engagements, etc., all potentially contribute to the dilution of our commitment to recovery. They can also be encouraging and fostering of our recover as well. Dilution through Partial Recovery Another type of dilution to our commitment to recovery is what I refer to as partial or surface recovery. In partial recovery, a survivor works through aspects of Stage One Remembering and Stage Two Mourning. It includes telling some of one's story of the abuse and wringing out some of the emotional charge associated with the more acute aspects of the abuse. This type of dilution usually follows with feelings and intellectualizations that I have done enough. In partial recovery survivors achieve sufficient recovery to halt the more noticeable pain and discomfort. Missing from partial recovery however is the transformation of significant dysfunctional patterns learned through being abused. In addition, maladaptive behaviors derived from trying to cope with the resulting consequences of being abused may not have changed. Therefore partially recovered survivors still experience many dysfunctional and maladaptive behaviors including self- destructive and self-defeating behaviors, decreased self-esteem, poor relationship skills, insufficient coping mechanisms to digest life's daily stress, etc. They lack the formation of the reunion of their new self and eternal soul (Step 21). What they have accomplished is a noticeable decrease in pain, distress, debilitating depression, etc. In essence, they feel good enough. They have no particular reason or motivation to continue their recovery process. Dilution through Resentfulness Another kind of possible dilution to our commitment to recovery may result from a behavioral stance of resentfulness. All survivors feel resentful for being abused. It is usual and normal. We feel resentful that we were abused. We feel resentful that we find ourselves in this position of having to dedicate time, energy and resources to recover, etc. Feeling resentful is not the problem. Feeling our resentment is healthy. How we manage our feelings of resentment like any other feeling requiring management may be the point that becomes problematic and dilutive to our ongoing recover. Why? From my perspective, in a behavioral stance of resentfulness we focus our time and energy primarily on the other, the perpetrator(s) and the compliant family, rather than the focus and energy being applied to what we need in order to recover, to live a healthy, meaningful and fulfilling life. When we become stuck in resentfulness, our energy is drained. We usually feel frustrated. We do not seem to move on with our recovery process. Managing our feelings of resentment is important. We need to attend to, flush out and process our resentment. We need to manage our feelings so we are not overwhelmed, nor do we behave in a dysfunctional manner. In doing so, we free ourselves. We are in a better position to apply our time, energy and resources to telling our story, assessing and resolving the pain and effects of the abuse, and continuing our process of growth toward a new self. What encourages and fosters an ongoing commitment to recovery? There are several areas that I think encourage and foster our ongoing commitment to recovery. First, doing something about it a little every day makes the task of recovery easier to handle and digest. We are more apt and willing to take little nibbles of recovery rather than to try to take an overwhelming bite that is difficult to swallow and digest. Second, interpreting recovery, especially Stage Three Healing recovery, as the usual process of ongoing growth as a human being can normalize our recovery process. Every human being has "stuff" to work on. As a survivor we might have specialized stuff and issues but we are like every other person on our planet called to grow and reform ourselves until the day we die. Third, noticing, acknowledging and celebrating our incremental steps of growth can be motivating and encouraging to our ongoing commitment to recovery. It is the opposite of taking our recovery work and our selves for granted. The familiar saying that every journey is taken one step at a time is particularly relevant to us survivors working on recovery. Fourth, forming a vision and dream concerning how we want our lives to unfold and our personhood to grow fosters our commitment to ongoing recovery. Each of us needs meaning and fulfillment in life. As human beings we are all called to create a vision and resulting mission for our lives. Our vision and mission provides us with meaning and fulfillment, joy and satisfaction, harmony and peace. Summary In summary, Step 3 is a promise to self to do something about the abuse. We tell our story of the past abuse, assess and work on resolving the pain-filled feelings and the harmful consequences of our childhood abuse, and commit to forming a new self. But our lives are full of dilutive elements that can hinder our commitment to our recovery. On the other hand, we also have resources to foster and encourage our commitment to our ongoing recovery process. Part of the reality of recovery from childhood abuse is that recovery takes time. It is difficult and painful. Yet, the rewards coming from the formation of the reunion of our new self and eternal soul (Step 21) I think are well worth our ongoing commitment and efforts. You can offer feedback concerning the preceding and following articles by sending an email either to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com or directly to George at georgebilotta@cs.com. Mailing addresses are included either in the beginning masthead or in the contact information at the conclusion of the newsletter. Your comments will be gratefully received. Annoucements How to order the Survivor to Thriver manual? First, the manual can be downloaded from our web page for free. Second, to purchase a copy of the manual, send a check or money order payable to The Morris Center for $24.00 (add $5.00 for orders outside of US, i.e., $29.00). Mail to George Bilotta, Survivor to Thriver, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, U.S.A. Manuals are sent priority mail usually within a few days. If have expertise and time to promote our web page within the Internet, please contact George Bilotta for details. If there are changes in Co-Secretary assignments, please let us know so we can forward a hard copy or an email with an attached file of the ASCA News to the correct person. Also if Co-Secretaries have a change in address, telephone number or email, please send these changes to: email: georgebilotta@cs.com, telephone: 508.835.6054, mailing address: 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020. Remember that if you want to submit an article for the December issue of the ASCA News, our deadline is October 7th for interviews, November 1st for written articles. If your meeting is not receiving the ASCA News contact George Bilotta. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, consultant, George Bilotta, PhD, welcomes your inquiries, phone: Dr. Bilotta in Massachusetts at 508.835.6054 or e-mail him at: georgebilotta@cs.com. Never hesitate to call or e-mail. If you would like to contribute a poem, picture/art, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • August 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta I hope this August edition of our ASCA News contains some challenges and growth opportunities for each of you. My Reflective Moment article discusses some of the parameters surrounding the issue of respect. The Step Elaboration piece focuses on Step 6, particularly the notion of shame. In our Ongoing Education Moment, I review our Partial Listing of Feeling printed in our Welcome to ASCA handout. A possible Rotation C Topic for one of your August meetings might concentrate on the topic of respect. In addition, James Daniels continues to provide us with another of his poetry pieces entitled: Blocks. During the past month a couple of volunteers have stepped forward offering to assist with the production of ASCA News. Ramona Mastin who has been the primary architect of our web page will assume some editing duties. She will also format the ASCA News for web publication. Laurie Herscher will also join the ASCA News team by taking on the ongoing duties of editing the Step Elaboration article. James Daniels will become poetry editor insuring a poetry piece for our monthly editions. We would like to introduce survivor art to the ASCA News. If you have a web page with survivor art, send us your web page address. We will publish your site address. If you do not have a web address, you can forward your art piece in gif or j peg format. Please limit the size of your image to 100KB or, preferably, below. You are welcomed, as well, to include a brief description about your art and it's meaning to you as a survivor of abuse. We will try to incorporate the piece and description into one of our upcoming newsletters. We continue to look for additional editors and writers. If you would like to write an occasional piece for the ASCA News, we have many ideas for possible articles that may interest you. You may also have an idea for an article that you would like to write. Also, we are looking for a person with expertise to promote our web page within the Internet. If interested in any of the above positions, please contact me. A Reflective Moment for August Respect: To Look Again by George Bilotta Through my Reflective Moment piece for August, I want to explore with you some ideas concerning the notion of respect. What does respect mean? How can living respectfully enrich our recovery process and everyday lives? Many people would probably say something like: "Well, I know what respect is all about. I'm a respectful person." But I wonder ... When I look around, it seems to me that our world and daily lives are overshadowed by disrespect and thoughtlessness. I see people disrespecting themselves and others, as well as animals and the environment. Looking back on my day, sometimes I am embarrassed by my lack of respect. Step 6 notes that I shall respect my shame and anger. So what does it mean to respect? Respect - To Look Again The term respect derives from the Latin respicere, meaning to look again. To respect, to be respectful, to behave respectfully and to value the virtue of respect involves a particular style of living, a deliberate stance towards life. This respectful way of living reminds and encourages us to look again and again. To look again suggests the opposite of scanning, staying on the surface or taking a quick look. By looking again, we challenge the attitudes and behaviors of our perpetrators. They viewed us as throwaway things that were undeserving of respect. Respectfulness reawakens a healthy way to look again and understand self and others with new eyes and clearer vision. Respect - Looking Again for the Precious Heart Within the specific behavior of looking again, what are we looking for? I think what we are looking for is the precious heart of self and the precious heart of every person with whom we interact. The precious heart contains the core of self. The precious heart embodies our unique, wonderful and special qualities as well as our potential and value as human beings. In this way, to be respectful, to interact respectfully and to value the virtue of respect consists of looking again, and looking again and looking again some more until we uncover and disclose the precious heart of self and others. The visual for this process consists of gazing through the outer shell of the body, looking directly into a person's heart, and looking into our own heart as well. Looking again seeking the precious heart in self and others describes a unique way to live out our day. It is an intentional way of living. Upon finding and seeing the precious heart to interact respectfully continues to deepen and mature in the form of appreciative dwelling. Appreciative dwelling permits us to linger with, to soak in and to develop a fondness for the precious heart whether it be one's own heart or another's heart. Respect that includes appreciative dwelling adds dignity to life. Dwelling appreciatively with the precious heart of self or others counters the disrespect, thoughtlessness, mean-spiritedness and perversity of our abusers. It supports us in viewing self and others in a balanced, fuller and dignified light. Difference Between Respect and Politeness While looking again directly into the heart and dwelling appreciatively with the precious heart of self and others, characterizes the difference between being respectful and being polite. Being polite is a socially acceptable behavior, a tactful and often refined way to interact. Many people however mistake politeness for respect. On the other hand being respectful involves the heart. It looks again and again for the precious heart, that which is special and full of potential. Respect embraces a value system flowing from the heart that senses, draws out and acknowledges the giftedness, the specialness and the best that the self and others innately possess. Being polite is important socially. Living one's life from a respectful stance however, adds depth and dignity to our lives and the lives of others. Cultivating Respect How do we cultivate a life full of respect toward self, others and the things of the world? First, I think we begin by desiring and wanting the virtue of respect to be an essential part of our being. We understand and appreciate that living in a respectful manner will profoundly influence our recovery process and daily lives. Consequently, we end up valuing and desiring to incorporate the virtue of respect into all areas of our day. It is like valuing ongoing education. We understand and appreciate how education can influence and improve our lives, likewise with respect. Living respectfully, looking again directly into the precious heart adds quality to life. It enhances life. In this way we individually contribute to making the world a better place. Second, in some manner we need to move toward making the virtue of respect a priority. It is like waking every morning and consciously deciding to focus on cultivating the dynamics of respect throughout our day. With this type of intentional focusing and trying, we maintain a reflective mindfulness about looking again and looking again some more. Throughout our day, we deliberately seek the precious heart contained within self and others. We learn to gently hold, caress and honor the precious heart. It is like deciding to carry around a butterfly net as a reminder to always be looking for special butterflies. To nurture respect requires constant effort and concentration. It is an ongoing learning activity of looking again and looking again some more for the precious heart. The more we focus on this reflective activity of looking again, the greater our capacity grows to respectfully embrace, honor and dignify self, others and things of the world. Third, I think that trying to cultivate the virtue of respect is challenging. Many survivors were taught to disrespect themselves. They learned through their abusers to disrespect and take for granted others and the world around them. In a sense, we grew up with a steady diet of disrespect and disrespect's various cousins like rudeness, flippancy, inappropriate boundaries, disapproval, criticism, ungratefulness, disregard, insensitivity, indifference, withholding, mean- spiritedness, etc. To counter an attitude of disrespect, I think it is helpful to develop cues as constant reminders to look again, to always try to glimpse and dwell with the contents of the precious heart. Fourth, I think innately, we value and want to live in a respectful manner both toward self and other people as well as the things of the world. But we tend to forget. Our lives are busy and often rushed. We forget to constantly take a second and third look, to look again and again for the precious heart. Any kind of cue or token to gently remind ourselves to seek the precious heart by looking again and again will help foster a respectful way of being. In this way, we replace the blurry eyeglasses that our abusers placed on us which distort how we look at self and others. The Value of Respect What value does living a respectful life offer to our recovery process and daily lives? First, j ust as childhood abuse negatively affected every dimension of self, respectful living will steadily reverse much of this negativity. Second, respectful living promotes softness and gentleness. It transforms the harshness and intensity that accompany life's daily activities. It reduces hecticness and confusion replacing these with reflectivity and thoughtfulness. Third, trying constantly to live a life full of respect, looking again at the precious heart of self and others increases our capacity to appreciate, to stand still in awe at the wonderfulness of self and others. It thus increases our self-esteem and builds our sense of self-worth (Step 16). In this way, we counter our belittled self-image deformed through childhood abuse. By looking again and looking again some more, we slow down, stop, pause and wonder. In this mode, we constantly rediscover and reshape our new self (Step 21). Fourth, living respectfully adds a dimension of graciousness to our lives. When we mindfully try to interact respectfully, our bodies feel less stressed. We relax, let go and surrender to life's realities. Our minds invite alternatives. Our stance toward life and others is more welcoming and less rigid. Relationships seem less troublesome, more connected and fulfilling. Our emotions seem fuller and more accessible. The heart seems more generous and grateful. Life possesses increased meaning and fulfillment. Life feels worth living. Fifth, respectful living adds to our perspective concerning the interconnectedness of all life. In turn we seek to constantly rebalance our way of living and restore harmony to our lives, since daily living has a way of knocking us off balance. Respectful living is like an insurance policy guaranteeing rebalancing and harmony. In a sense our abuser(s) threw our entire being off kilter. Respectful living counters this lopsidedness. Finally, respectful living adds dignity to one's life. Through respectful living, little by little, we increase our sense of self-worth. We nurture our self-confidence. We contribute to our self-respect. We mature and grow in stature and value in our mind's eye. Respectful living, looking again and looking again some more, pulls back and reveals the covered over mystery and wonder concerning who we truly are, i.e., our giftedness and grandeur as well as our incompleteness and frailty. Respectful living helps us to pause and wonder at the marvelous mystery of life and our place within the interconnectedness of our world. Living respectfully will have healing incremental affects on our recovery process as well as our daily lives. Cultivating a style of respectful living requires desire, stick- to-itiveness and a daily plan. Respectful living, as a disciplined and wholesome way of living, follows the preeminence of Stage One Remembering, i.e., telling our story over and over again. From my perspective, recovery from childhood abuse continues to progress in proportion to fostering a respectful way of life by looking again and looking again some more for the precious heart within self and others. You can offer feedback concerning the preceding and following articles by sending an e-mail either to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com or directly to George at georgebilotta@cs.com. Mailing addresses are included either in the beginning masthead or in the contact information at the conclusion of the newsletter. Your comments will be gratefully received. Poetry BLOCKS by James Daniel, Copyright 2001 Feedback to poet: ribturtle@aol.com Red and white blocks On a lawn of green plastic Nothing to hurt me here This is fantastic. I build four walls With nothing inside Strong and secure A good place to hide I'll let them do What they will to my body Go ahead, hit me Go ahead, flog me. They cannot hurt That which they cannot see I'll keep myself safe The part really me. Locked up inside my head These plastic walls Don't need any roof 'Cause the walls are so tall. Blocks interlocked To block out the pain My safe box inside My skull keeping me sane. Pulling these blocks apart When there's no threat Years from now they'll get To pay off their debt. I'd rather do more But for now I'm too small For now I'll j ust make sure These walls do not fall. Rotation C Topic: Respect: How Are We Growing in Respect toward Self and Others? For this month's Rotation C Topic, your meeting might take up the topic of respect. As mentioned in the Reflection article, part of respect is to look again and look again at the precious heart of self, others and things of the world. Questions: 1. What do you think would be the repercussions within your daily life if you purposefully tried to increase your capacity to respect, to look again at your precious heart? 2. What do you think would be the obstacles that you would face in trying to increase your capacity to respect? 3. What do you think would happen to your sense of self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem by intentionally focusing on increasing your capacity for respect? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Our Partial List of Feelings The Welcome to ASCA handout contains a diverse listing of feelings. Its placement within the handout and at the end of the Survivor to Thriver manual is meant as a tool to assist us in identifying and articulating our feelings. We often have difficulty naming the various feelings, especially uncomfortable feelings that we experience during an ASCA meeting, while working the material in the Survivor to Thriver manual or j ust in general throughout our day. We can sense the stirring within us but may not be able to associate a label or a word to what may be happening emotionally. Since our feelings contribute to motivating and guiding our behaviors, increasing our capacity to locate and articulate our feelings can be most helpful. By slowly reviewing the words in our Partial List of Feelings and matching what you experience with each word you can practice identifying the various feelings that come up. Using and adding to this listing of feelings as an ongoing exercise can strengthen your feeling vocabulary, give voice to your feelings and increase your comfort level with your feelings. Our feelings represent an aspect of who we are at any given moment. The more we can identify and voice our feelings the more healthy control we have over our lives. Step Elaboration We continue the monthly Step series by George J. Bilotta, Ph.D. Step Elaboration augments the material provided within our Survivor to Thriver manual Step 6 I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others. Step 6 states that I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others. However, the section on Step 6 in our Survivor to Thriver manual does not address the topic of shame. The topic of shame is discussed later in Step 10, I am facing my shame and developing self-compassion. Yet, most of us have probably experienced the type of shame to which Step 6 alludes. Many survivors experience a profound sense of shame. Others experience varying intensities of shame that ebb and flow with life's daily variables, e.g., stress, heartache, loneliness, a fast paced work environment, an unreflective life style, the hassles of daily living, etc. Other survivors have significantly reduced their shame that originates from their childhood abuse. Through this brief article, I want to explore with you some of my perspectives on shame and some ideas concerning how to go about rebalancing the shame in our lives. Shame is a burdensome experience. It squeezes the joy out of life. From my perspective, shame derives its hideous power through misapplying guilt. Retrospectively, guilt and shame may come about when we think back on our childhood. We may envision that we had more power and control over the abuse than reality attests. Thus we may think that we could have prevented the abuse or at least reduced it. Our situation is further exacerbated since it is difficult for us to recall and experience our childhood vulnerability. We may also feel guilt and thus ashamed through association. Many of us feel full of shame because we come from abusive backgrounds and families. Alternatively, the phenomenon of shame might be more of a philosophical problem than a sinking emotional feeling. We may feel shame because we strive to be something other than who we are. In this striving, we may experience shame because we sense that our true self is not good enough. Later in this article, I will explore this philosophical approach along with some concrete suggestions on how to go about correcting and rebalancing our sense of shame. What is Shame? What Is Our Experience of Shame? Shame could be described as a painful, mortifying, deflating, and lonely kind of experience that resonates throughout one's being. The body feels stressed, tight and uncomfortable. Some people experience a kind of cringing and collapsing, as well as a desire to be invisible. There could be a closing up, a closing down of body, mind and soul. The mind might be overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings of regret and remorse. The expression, full of shame comes to mind. Shame like depression seems to zap much of our enthusiasm for living. We feel exposed, transparent and vulnerable. Shame disrupts our process of fostering a positive self-image. It interferes with our movements to foster an emerging new self (Step 21). When we proceed with our daily lives from a shame-filled stance, looking out at life through shame-filled eyes, our heart's capacity seems to diminish. We seem to look down rather than up. We seem less open to life. We tend to withdraw. We may view ourselves as inadequate, not good enough, defective, limited, lacking in substance. Misapplied shame obstructs us from asserting ourselves, honoring who we are, and feeling self-confident. Shame Activated by Guilt Shame may be activated by guilt. We misunderstand our feelings of guilt. Misinterpreting that we have done some kind of horrific wrong, we think that we participated willingly and knowingly in destructive behavior. On some level we sense that we were responsible for our abuse. When we were children and later as teenagers however, we were not responsible for our abuse. The abuse was something done to us and against us by another person(s). We were used and manipulated both physically and emotionally by power, force and authority that was greater than us. When we feel guilty for doing something wrong, a healthy person naturally feels ashamed. Concerning our childhood abuse however, we did not do anything wrong. Misapplying Shame Since we did not do anything wrong and were not responsible in anyway whatsoever for our abuse, why do we sometimes feel guilty and ashamed? There seems to be a misunderstanding, a misinterpreting, and a misapplying that comes from a sense that one has done something wrong. In our struggle to maintain order and control, many survivors retroactively associate their present adult capacity for control and power with their childhood. It is difficult to remember, to surrender to the reality that as children and even as teenagers that we had no control or power over those who abused us. We were dependent upon them. We trusted them. They were physically bigger and stronger than we were. They were opportunistic and cunning. They had more experience in the world and knew how to manipulate the situation. Why do we feel guilty and thus ashamed? It seems that in the bigger picture of our recovery story, we may not have gained sufficient perspective. That is, as adults it may be difficult for us to return and to reflect on our childhood vulnerability, i.e., not having control, not having any power over the person(s) who abused us. When we cannot re-experience our childhood vulnerability, we may misunderstand that as children we had no control and power. Any interpretation that implies that we had power and control as a child is an illusion. This may lead to misapplying the idea that we could have changed the situation. This is often referred to as magical thinking. In other ways we may believe that we were at least partially responsible, that we had at least a little input into being abused. This might be a familiar situation for survivors who recall experiencing some physical pleasure while being abused, for example being sexually aroused, being touched, treated special, etc. On some level we may feel that we caused or contributed to the abuse in some way. We did not. We had no choice. We were manipulated and forced. Guilt by Association Our shame may also become activated though a sense of guilt by association. For example, we are associated with a particular family or group. Incest was perpetrated within this family. Physical beatings were regularly administered. Emotional abuse was continuously absorbed. This may describe your family. This is a group of people to which we belong and from which we came. One, two or more people within this family or group are responsible for the abuse overtly and covertly. Being associated with and coming from such a family can raise a wide range of feelings. We might feel ashamed that we come from such an abusive family or from a father, mother, stepparent, etc., who were abusive. We might have been or continue to be fearful that others would discover that our family was so messed up, abusive, crazy, etc. We are or were ashamed of our families. We may be afraid that others will think less of us, reject us or think and feel differently about us because of the family from which we come. Alternative Perspective on Shame From a different point of view, shame could be discussed from a philosophical perspective. Philosophically, it could be proposed that the phenomenon of shame has more to do with our non-acceptance and our basic uneasiness with what it means to be a human being full of limits than from being an adult survivor of childhood abuse. Part of the human condition is to be imperfect, incomplete, fragmented, broken, flawed, etc. In general most people resist and fight this notion of having limits. They refuse to accept the fact that to be a human being is to always be imperfect and incomplete. So because they were abused and in a way broken, flawed, fragmented and think of themselves as incomplete, imperfect and limited they end up feeling ashamed. We live in a world in which most people seem to value being number one, the best, on top, winning, and achievement oriented. Being average, regular and ordinary is not good enough for many people. In such scenarios, we seem to minimize and deny who we are. In turn we try to be more and different than whom we are. This does not mean that we should not try to improve our lot in life, to grow, to develop our gifts and talents. When we forget who we really are however, and try to reach for the stars, we usually get burnt. We promote a distorted sense of who we are. Most people seem to want to be more than who they are. When we strive to be more than who we are, i.e., not accepting who we really are, being ashamed perhaps of who we are; we expend much of our time and energy trying to impress. In an effort to cover over our real self that we may be ashamed of, we try to project an impressive image. We do this through dress, expressing a certain attitude and stance toward people, the way we talk about our selves and others, the way we might put other people down, through competition, winning at all costs, etc. This trying to impress is perhaps the difference between growing, developing and enhancing our selves and skills, and the difference from not accepting self. When we are ashamed of who we really are, we will try to impress others as well as ourselves. We might impress by showing what we can really do if we try hard enough, work long enough, if we double our efforts, etc. We promote a false and artificial self instead of an authentic and congenial self. In reality we are survivors of childhood abuse. We have been abused emotionally, physically and sexually. Being a survivor of childhood abuse is part of who we are. It is not the total of which we are, but a part of who we are. It is part of our history and story of life. When we say, "well I am not proud of being a survivor or proud of coming from a family that perpetrated incest" then we set ourselves up for the fall. Because we come from these kinds of family constellations, it is a part of us. We do not like it. We may want to get away from them. But when we deny our past in anyway whatsoever, I think that we set ourselves up to experience guilt, shame and feeling ashamed. Also from this philosophical perspective of shame, the experience of embarrassment seems to raise its ugly head. Shame becomes activated perhaps when we become concerned about what other people will think or feel about us. We feel embarrassed that we come from an abusive background or family. Again this type of embarrassment seems to stem from us not perceiving ourselves as good enough, not coming from the right kind of family, or the right side of the tracks. I think that there is a natural tendency for us to want to think and feel well of our selves, our families, and from where we came. But when we start to deny from where we come, embarrassment begins to root and form our shame. Again, I raise the question - what is this concern and worry over being an adult survivor of childhood abuse? Why do we feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty that we were abused when children? I think in part it is the issue of wanting to be impressive, to impress self and others which comes out of a stance that one is not fundamentally okay with the core of who one is as a human being. Impressing is a projection of illusion. In a way we might be like birds and animals that tend to puff themselves up to look bigger than they really are, to be impressive as a defense or for mating, i.e., to be more desirable, for example like a peacock. For many people it is the looks, the trappings, the appearances, and the projections that seem to count. So many people tend to discount and minimize the internal hidden core, the heart of who they really are. So perhaps from this philosophical perspective, it might help us to come to terms in a different way with our humanness. We are who we are, no excuses. We are survivors of childhood abuse, no apologies. We are human beings with many imperfections and flaws, no denying this. I wonder if we focused more on our human frailty, our childhood vulnerability, and our heart instead of our appearance, our trying to be impressive that we would experience less guilt and shame concerning being adult survivors of childhood abuse. Besides trying to impress usually j ust adds stress and confusion to our lives. Other Correctives to Rebalancing Our Shame Part of Step 6's task of respecting our shame by not turning it against ourselves involves correcting and rebalancing ourselves. This corrective balancing could involve some or all of the following: 1. assert and confront ourselves by telling our story over and over again, i.e., always remembering, never forgetting, never denying that we are adult survivors of childhood abuse. 2. to confront our abusers and conspirators when we deem that it will be helpful to our ongoing recovery process. 3. always hold the perpetrator(s) responsible for the abuse. 4. resist the illusion that as a child or teenager that we had anything whatsoever to do with causing or encouraging the abuse. 5. embrace the core and heart of who we are as human being, i.e., a good and genuine human being with many wonderful aspects and also many flaws. 6. in turn, be reflective about expending any time or energy trying to impress either one's self or others. It is truly a waste of resources. It only adds to our pile of denial that hinders more than helps our recovery process. 7. there is a substantive difference between feeling ashamed, experiencing shame, and the reality upon which those feelings and experiences are based. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, neither morally good nor bad. However, feelings do flow out of how we perceive and interact with the people, events and things around us both yesterday and today. By rigorously challenging our assumptions we might be able to begin disassembling the perceptional base upon which our experiences of shame and feeling ashamed stand. You can offer feedback concerning the preceding and following articles by sending an e-mail either to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com or directly to George at georgebilotta@cs.com. Mailing addresses are included either in the beginning masthead or in the contact information at the conclusion of the newsletter. Your comments will be gratefully received. Annoucements How to order the Survivor to Thriver manual? First, the manual can be downloaded from our web page for free. Second, to purchase a copy of the manual, send a check or money order payable to "The Morris Center" for $24.00 (add $5.00 for orders outside of US, i.e., $29.00) and mail to George Bilotta, Survivor to Thriver, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583- 1020, U.S.A . Manuals are sent priority mail usually within a few days. If you have editing skills and want to volunteer to assist with preparing the ASCA News for publication, or if you enjoy writing and would like to write a story for the ASCA News, or if you have expertise and time to promote our web page within the Internet, please contact George Bilotta for details. If there are changes in Co-Secretary assignments, please let us know so we can forward a hard copy or e-mail a file of the ASCA News to the correct person. Also if Co-Secretaries have a change in address, telephone number or e-mail, please send these changes to: e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com, telephone: 508.835.6054, mailing address: 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020. Remember that if you want to submit an article for the August issue of the ASCA News, our deadline is August 10th. If your meeting is not receiving the ASCA News contact George Bilotta. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, consultant, George Bilotta, PhD, welcomes your inquiries, phone: Dr. Bilotta in Massachusetts at 508.835.6054 or e-mail him at: georgebilotta@cs.com. Never hesitate to call or e-mail. If you would like to contribute a poem, picture/art, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • July 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George J. Bilotta, Ph.D. With the end of our financial year that closed as of June 30th, I have been reviewing the events of the past year. I do this in part to prepare for filing our annual reports for the state and federal governments. This is a requirement to maintain our nonprofit corporation status. This past year, there have been four highlights for me concerning THE MORRIS CENTER and ASCA. First, working with our Board of Directors has been enjoyable and challenging. The Board has been reviewing and analyzing our history and strategizing how we might approach the future. Our Board is composed of dedicated people who are determined to support the ongoing success of ASCA. In the coming months the Board will be discussing guidelines to incorporate additional Board members. If you have something special to offer as a Board member, or know of someone with special skills, let us know. We might want to consider you or your referral as a potential Board member. I also want to thank Jessy Keiser, our Board President, for her many hours of work and for her leadership with the Board. Second, through the efforts of Board member, Bob Roberts, and volunteer, Ramona Mastin, we have enjoyed an extraordinary web page. Not only is it exceptional in depth and breath of content, in artistic design and user-friendliness, but unlike many web pages on the Internet, Bob keeps our web page up-to-date. In part I think our web page represents the quality THE MORRIS CENTER strives to achieve in everything we do. Third, I have relished the challenge of expanding the ASCA News. Over the past ten years, various survivor newsletters have come and gone. This past year we have witnessed the last edition of The Healing Woman newsletter, which I considered the premier survivor newsletter. I wonder if the ASCA News could evolve into the premier survivor newsletter? Fourth, it was with immense joy and satisfaction that we experienced ASCA meetings beginning in South Africa. Part of the excitement derives from the fact that a group was able to establish ASCA by downloading the material from our web page. We have tried to make ASCA user friendly and available to anyone willing to put the time and energy into developing and promoting an ASCA program. With the success of meetings in South Africa, I have a sense of accomplishment that we have designed our ASCA support program in such a manner that j ust about anyone could start ASCA anywhere. Our success this past year is a testament to the many people who strive to maintain THE MORRIS CENTEr and our primary program ASCA. THE MORRIS CENTER and ASCA continue to exist in part through the generosity and backing of Norma Morris. Norma continues to financially support our efforts. I do not think there is anyone who has been more generous and more financially dedicated to survivors of childhood abuse than Norma Morris. We thank you, Norma, for your caring, commitment and generosity. To conclude, I want to make three requests. First, we are looking for volunteers with editing skills to help prepare the ASCA News for publication. If you are interested, please contact me for details. Second, we are also looking for people who have expertise and time to promote our web page within the Internet, and/or to have our web page address inserted into any publication that will accept it for free. Finally, as we begin a new financial year, your tax-deductible donation is always appreciated. If you want to make a donation, please write your check payable to The Morris Center. Every dollar counts. No donation is too small. Thank you. Reflective Moment for July Recovery: Integrating and Thriving by George J. Bilotta, Ph.D. In the May edition I discussed the first part of the Board of Directors definition of recovery from childhood abuse. Through this issue of the ASCA News I want to follow-up with the last aspects of the definition, points 8-10. The Board's definition states: Recovery from child abuse is a process that includes point 1 the ongoing telling of one's story and experience about point 2 the abuse point 3 the effects of the abuse on one's life, point 4 the ongoing efforts at recovery, point 5 along with receiving support, acceptance and point 6 feedback from the community of survivors and others point 7 for the purpose of integrating unresolved childhood events point 8 through the process of remembering, mourning and healing point 9 to become a thriver in all aspects of life. point 10 Point 8: the purpose of integrating unresolved childhood events To integrate unresolved childhood events in part means to make whole. To integrate is to bring together into a unifying and seamless whole every aspect of self that constitutes who we are as human beings. Integration is a process of rectifying, re-balancing and unifying that, which was hurt, torn and divided. We do this with the purpose of living as a thrivers. Childhood abuse usually affects every aspect of a child's being. This specifically includes the body and physical functioning; relationships, family, social functioning; emotional, psychological functioning; intellectual, educational, life skill functioning; spiritual, heart functioning. In a sense to successfully integrate is to establish a synergistic chain reaction of well-being. There are various schools of thought concerning how to go about integrating unresolved childhood events. In ASCA we approach integration through the three stages of remembering, mourning and healing. ASCA permits much leeway as to how a survivor goes about pursuing integration within the three-stage framework. We recognize and respect the various needs and ways in which survivors pursue their recovery goals. What do we mean by unresolved? What do unresolved childhood events do to us? Unresolved means that the impact from a) the various episodes of childhood abuse, b) how the abuse was initially dealt with, and c) how the past episodes of child abuse continue to be handled, have not yet been resolved, rectified, re- balanced, corrected, etc. Usually the manifestations of unresolved childhood events continue to have a negative influence within our daily functioning. For example, survivors can experience depression, diminished self-worth, lack of trust, relationship difficulties, various disabilities, etc. These can be examples of how unresolved childhood events continue to influence survivors' lives. I think that there are two basic aspects to resolve. First, to resolve means to remove, rectify, neutralize, redress the negative impact and influence stemming from the childhood abuse events. Within the ASCA framework we accomplish this by telling our story over and over again. It also includes confronting the abusive episodes. The confrontation can take form in many different ways. Confrontation can consist of confronting the abuser(s) directly, to confronting the episodes through the retelling of the story of our abuse over and over again. We continue to confront until as in Step 18 we reach the level that I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me. Second, to resolve includes developing various capacities that were lost, wounded, hindered, delayed, set back. For example, childhood abuse tends to diminish one's capacity to trust. In this example, to resolve would be to first neutralize the events leading up to and surrounding the lack of trust. Second, resolved would be to develop, promote and work toward redeveloping and regaining the capacity to trust. We do this so that we can trust the world once again, so that we can enter into healthy relationships that build upon trust. Point 9: through the process of remembering, mourning and healing The Board's definition of recovery notes that we progress through recovery from childhood abuse through a specific framework. This framework consists of the three stages of the ASCA recovery process of remembering, mourning and healing. We understand that the basic dynamic of recovery begins with remembering. Remembering includes telling our story about the abuse and its consequences over and over again to a variety of people, in a variety of ways. It continues with mourning the loss of our childhood innocence. Mourning the loss of faithful parent(s), of loyal family. We mourn the pain of betrayal, the hurt of being used by others, the fear of abandonment, the confusion of appearing invisible, of not being seen or heard. We mourn the loss of not being genuinely cared for, loved or valued. The final stage of recovery is healing. Healing includes the constructive realignment of our body, mind and spirit. It is a process of learning how to nurture and cultivate all of self that results in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul (Step 21). Point 10: to become a thriver in all aspects of life From the perspective of THE MORRIS CENTER and through our ASCA program the fundamental goal of recovery is to become a thriver in all aspects of life. What does it mean to be a thriver? Each of us has our own unique ideas, spin and variations. Summing up what it means for me to be a thriver includes the following three areas: 1. to foster the capacity to freely pursue life 2. to live life in a harmonious manner 3. to derive meaning and fulfillment from ordinary daily life experiences. What is the capacity to freely pursue life? It is the capacity to engage in daily life freed and liberated from any residue, unresolved conflicts, negative emotional impact, etc., derived from being abused as a child or teenager. In part, it is what Step 19 refers when stating — I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past. It is the freedom that flows out of a recovery process that has successfully placed the past to rest, into a new perspective, to the extent that is acceptable to me, as mentioned in Step 18. It also includes the successful learning and integrating of life skills. Due to the abuse, we might not have gained or were prevented from learning and integrating necessary life skills. In a sense we have caught up to life. We are now prepared and able to live freely, unencumbered by the past, and having the necessary skills and resources to pursue life. What does it mean to live life in a harmonious manner? To thrive in part requires a level of harmony. We are in tune with our body, mind and spirit. We are in tune with our environments. We are in tune with the people, events and things that comprise our daily lives. This does not mean that we never have difficulties, hassles, conflicts, stresses, etc. Rather living life in a harmonious manner, points to a reflective life style that fosters harmony between and among all the various aspects of our lives. It is an approach to life, a stance towards life that is like a gyroscope. We continuously rebalance, rectify, place into perspective, correct, etc., the stuff of our daily lives. Finally, for me to thrive includes deriving meaning and fulfillment from ordinary daily life experiences. Life is lived one day at a time, one moment at a time. For me life is worth living, life is important when I experience meaning and fulfillment through the ordinary stuff of my life ¾ the people, events and things around me. For me to thrive is to constantly see, hear and feel the meaning and fulfillment in doing the stuff of my daily ordinary life. It is the opposite of taking my new self for granted. In pursuing recovery from childhood abuse it might be helpful to struggle through and articulate your particular definition of recovery. You might also want to share with us through the ASCA News what your definition of recovery looks like. You can offer feedback concerning the preceding and following articles by sending an e-mail either to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com or directly to George at georgebilotta@cs.com. Mailing addresses are included either in the beginning masthead or in the contact information at the conclusion of the newsletter. Your comments will be gratefully received. Poetry Mother I forgive you, though you never asked. You hide instead behind a mask Denying broken childhood dreams, Deaf to your daughter's echoing screams, And memories of pain. I forgive your lack of gentle touch. You never thought it mattered much. Though torn in heart and self-esteem, My shattered spirit starved unseen, And memories remain. I forgive you, though in much travail. For kindness must at last prevail. Yet distance gives protection from, The things I fear I might become. And memories will fade. Copyright 2001 Terri Dubinski Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for July Integrating Unresolved Childhood Events For this month's Rotation C Topic, your meeting might consider following-up on the Board's definition of recovery from childhood abuse. Specifically, you might consider sharing on the topic of point 8 of the Board's definition, for the purpose of integrating unresolved childhood events. How have you gone about the task of integrating unresolved childhood events? Some questions that might be helpful: 1. Describe the difficulties, challenges and obstacles for you concerning integrating unresolved childhood events? 2. In what ways have you been successful in integrating unresolved childhood events? 3. Who have been the people in your life that have been helpful/unhelpful in your pursuit to integrate unresolved childhood events? Past topics for Rotation C meetings can be located in the Meeting Format and Support Materials manual available on our web page: www.ascasupport.org Suggested Topics for Rotation C Meetings. ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Purpose of Periodic Business Meetings In the directives to Co-Secretaries found in the ASCA Meeting Format and Support Materials on page 16, it notes that ASCA meetings profit from having a monthly business meeting to discuss issues and to make local meeting based decisions. Some ASCA meetings hold business meetings regularly. Others rarely if ever have a business meeting. For community based ASCA meetings business meetings are a way for the Co-Secretaries to share the responsibilities associated with managing the ongoing success of a local ASCA meeting. It is an opportunity for the Co-Secretaries to bring to the attention of the meeting membership areas of concern or decisions that need to be made concerning undercurrents within the meeting, paying meeting bills, need for new Co-Secretaries to take a turn at running the meeting, etc. The most important function of holding ongoing business meeting is to function as a check and balance, raising concerns and needs that need to be addressed and taken care of for the continued success and healthiness of the meeting. When was the last time your meeting held a business meeting? Step Elaboration We continue the monthly Step series by George J. Bilotta, Ph.D. Step Elaboration augments the material provided within our Survivor to Thriver manual. Step 8 I have made an inventory of the problem areas in my adult life. In the introduction to Stage Two Mourning on page 89 of our Survivor to Thriver manual, it states — the cornerstone of Stage Two is taking an honest inventory of your current life problems and then dedicating yourself to changing the behaviors that are making your life unsatisfactory. The purpose of Step 8 as expressed on page 90 of our Survivor to Thriver manual states the following. Step 8 — involves taking a full and honest inventory of the problem areas in your life, because you first have to identify what you want to change before you can begin to change it. If you have worked through Chapter Two of our Survivor to Thriver manual, you have accomplished some preliminary work on Step 8. In addition, you may have already dwelt somewhat with Stage One Remembering and the various first 7 Steps of ASCA. Consequently, your present situation may be somewhat different. What was problematic 6 or 12 months ago may be less problematic today. Alternatively, other areas of concern may be surfacing as past problems, difficulties, stresses, etc., slowly become resolved. As we progress through recovery, we evolve, grow, stretch and change. Step by step, we move steadily toward Step 21 — I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul. Balancing Step 8 Step 8 evolves out of traditional self-help models and specifically the Alcoholic Anonymous approach to assessing one's life. When addressing Step 8 two basic questions seem to arise. First, what does a full and honest inventory of the problem areas involve? Though Chapter Two of our Survivor to Thriver manual may have prepared you somewhat for Step 8, I have included a variety of questions to ponder to assist in compiling an inventory. I also discuss two different approaches that may be useful to process Step 8. Second, along with an inventory of problem areas, would it also be beneficial within Step 8 to include an additional inventory? This alternative inventory, Step 8b, would acknowledge and detail successes, strengths, personal attributes and/or interactions that bring about joy, fulfillment, meaning, wholeness, well-being? From my perspective, Step 8b would function as a counterweight to the inventory of the problem areas. First, what does a full and honest inventory of the problem areas involve? Before proceeding to compile an honest inventory it might be helpful to remind ourselves that many of us tend to be hypercritical. We tend to be harsh, severe in j udgment and quick to find fault with ourselves. Many of us were raised within family and social environments that administered daily doses of negativity, putdown comments, sarcastic and biting remarks, unhelpful criticism, hurtful and wounding statements, etc. As children and teenagers we inhaled these noxious comments that often produced distortions within our sense of self, self-esteem and self-worth. Many survivors seldom received supportive remarks of affirmation, unconditional comments of love, statements of approval, helpful guidance, etc. Balance, fairness and j ustice often seemed unavailable during childhood. Step 8 is an invitation to reflect gently and record thoroughly the stuff of our current lives that remain problematic. Compiling an inventory could become an overwhelming task. If the process becomes overwhelming, it will not be helpful. If we feel overwhelmed, we might truncate, skim over or abandon this step. One possible approach to anticipate and possibly prevent becoming overwhelmed might be to note only one, two or three responses at most to each of the questions listed below. Limiting your responses within a given time period might also help. For example, you might structure Step 8 by allotting yourself 30 minutes twice a week to spontaneously list 1 - 3 responses to each of the questions. Naturally, you might want to include other questions that may reflect your specific situation. Another approach might be to ponder each question one-day at a time. By making a single question the focus of mini-reflections throughout the day, you might gain broader and deeper insights. It might take several weeks to thoroughly explore all the questions. By chewing on and digesting each question one-day at a time however, you might be able to compile your inventory in a thoughtful, gentle and leisurely manner. Questions to think about might include the following. Describe what is not working in your life. Describe what is painful. Describe where and how you are stuck. Describe your struggles. Describe your stresses. Describe the people, events and things - that hurt, - that are unsatisfactory, - that are not producing what is required to live productively and meaningfully. Describe your frustrations. Describe the obstacles you encounter. Describe your disappointments. You might ponder the preceding questions through the primary filters of: family functioning relationships, social functioning physical, bodily functioning emotional, psychological functioning intellectual, educational, life skill functioning spiritual, heart functioning. Maintaining a journal or jotting down in a notebook your responses to the various questions is a technique that many survivors find helpful. Our thoughts and feeling seem to become clearer and more concrete whenever we write them down on paper. Furthermore, they may reveal additional insights when you review your notes weeks or months later. Step 8b Inventory of Successes, Strengths Along with an inventory of problem areas, would it also be beneficial within Step 8 to include an additional inventory? This Step 8b inventory would acknowledge and detail our successes, strengths, personal attributes and/or interactions that bring about joy, fulfillment, meaning, wholeness, well-being. I wonder if there would be advantages to the recovery process by dividing Step 8 into Step 8a Inventory of Problems and Step 8b Inventory of Successes, Strengths? This question flows out of my sense and need for balance. Nowhere within the 21-Steps is there a specific directive to ponder and articulate our successes, strengths, talents, etc., to balance off our difficulties, weaknesses and stressful life experiences. Where is the balance when we are ultimately trying to form and integrate as stated in Step-21 a new self and eternal soul? We focus resources, time and energy into changing, growing, stretching and remolding parts of ourselves within the process of recovery. I think that it would be supportive, helpful and encouraging to compose a full and honest inventory that acknowledges and appreciates successes, strengths, personal attributes and/or interactions that bring about joy, fulfillment, meaning, wholeness, well-being. Similar to the inventory of problems, an inventory of successes and strengths I think would be comforting, balancing and inspiring. By placing life into a broader perspective, Step 8b inventory would emerge as a sounding board to checkout reality especially when we feel discouraged, depressed, doubtful, frustrated, etc. Step 8b inventory could remind and challenge us to see and think of ourselves in a more balanced manner. It could evolve into a personal testament that would forthrightly affirm and attest to the fact that though we have identifiable problems to rectify, we are also substantive and substantial people with numerous successes, strengths, many desirable attributes and personal resources. This type of process has the potential to increase and stir our hopes, dreams and aspirations. A balanced inventory process would be similar to acknowledging feelings of pain, betrayal, anger, frustration, disappointment, etc., as well as noting feelings of happiness, contentment, joy, satisfaction, self-approval, fulfillment, etc. Some directives follow that may be helpful in compiling an inventory of successes, strengths, personal attributes and/or interactions that bring about joy, fulfillment, meaning, wholeness, well-being. Describe some of your successes this past year. Describe areas of your life within which you have demonstrated strength this past year. Describe some of your favorite personal attributes. Describe what you delight in about yourself. Describe what pleases you about yourself. Describe the positive characteristics that others have told you that you possess. Describe what others have told you that they admire and like about you. Describe the positive feedback that have you received from friends, employers and/or volunteer situations. Describe the ways that you have experienced joy this past year. Describe what has been fulfilling for you this past year. Describe what has provided and added meaning to your life this past year. Describe under what types of situations and interactions you experience wholeness. Describe what you have done this past year to nurture a sense of well- being. Again, you might ponder the preceding statements through the primary filters of: family functioning: relationships, social functioning physical, bodily functioning emotional, psychological functioning intellectual, educational, life skill functioning spiritual, heart functioning. In the approach to the problematic areas of Step 8a, I made a comment about becoming overwhelmed. Though this could happen with the inventory of successes and strengths, the more probable obstacle to compiling a full and honest inventory dwells more with amorphous uncomfortable feelings and situations. If I am burdened with diminished self-esteem, I might tend to minimize my successes. I might not feel successful though I may be factually and objectively successful in many areas. I might shade the truth and not give myself a full and objective accounting of my strengths. At times I might feel weak or inadequate and thus j udge myself harshly or compare myself to others. I may then see and experience myself as lacking and not being good enough. If I have tunnel vision that views the world as either/or, good or bad, right or wrong, I might feel constrained, inhibited or invisible. I might not give myself honest credit for personal attributes that are still evolving, still in the process of maturing, still not quite ready to manifest themselves in my everyday life. The previous were examples of amorphous uncomfortable feelings and situations that might make it difficult to compile a full and honest inventory of successes, strengths, etc. Again similar to the approach to the problematic inventory, to prevent feeling overwhelmed in the creative exercise of exploring our successes and strengths you might try the following. Note only one, two or three at most responses to each of the preceding descriptive statements. Another approach might be to ponder each question one-day at a time. What do you think about adding Step 8b? I raise this question because I think it would be a beneficial counterbalance to the inventory of problematic areas. Childhood abuse has a way of throwing us off balance, pushing us off our center, disturbing our equilibrium. I think compiling a Step 8b inventory could become a helpful corrective and re-balancing measure. We need to identify our problem areas first before we can strategize about how to grow and change. We need as well to identify our successes and strengths, as a means to support our recovery efforts, to encourage our hopes and dreams concerning what our future can be. As the final sentence in our ASCA meeting Closing Statement states: We close our meeting now with renewed faith in our power, armed with self-knowledge, fed by our strength drawn from survival, empowered by the challenge of change, and graced with a sense of hope for what our future can be. You can offer feedback concerning the preceding and following articles by sending an e-mail either to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com or directly to George at georgebilotta@cs.com. Mailing addresses are included either in the beginning masthead or in the contact information at the conclusion of the newsletter. Your comments will be gratefully received. Announcements Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News. Currently, we forward a hardcopy or e-mail a file of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. How to order the Survivor to Thriver manual? First, the manual can be downloaded from our web site for free. Second, to purchase a copy of the manual send a check or money order payable to "The Morris Center" for $24.00 (add $5.00 for orders outside of US, i.e., $29.00) and mail to George Bilotta, Survivor to Thriver, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583- 1020, U.S.A. Manuals are sent priority mail usually within a few days. 2. If you have editing skills and want to volunteer to assist with preparing the ASCA News for publication, please contact George Bilotta for details. 3. If there are changes in Co-Secretary assignments, please let us know so we can forward a hard copy or e-mail a file of the ASCA News to the correct person. Also if Co-Secretaries have a change in address, telephone number or e-mail, please send these change to George Bilotta at: e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com, telephone: 508.835.6054, mailing address: 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020. 4. If your meeting is not receiving the ASCA News at the beginning of every month contact George Bilotta. 5. If you want to submit an article for the next month's issue of the ASCA News, our submission deadline is the 15th of every month. We Welcome Your Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • June 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George J. Bilotta, Ph.D. Addressing the somewhat controversial topic of forgiveness will be the focus in this issue's Step Elaboration article. Your feedback on May's issue of the ASCA News encouraged me to elaborate more on Step 18 instead of shifting to Step 19 as previously intended. As with all ASCA News articles, I invite you to share your unique perspective through feedback and/or through writing an article. There are many valuable perspectives from which we can learn and grow. Part of the ASCA News is like an ASCA meeting. We share our stories and personal perspectives on recovery from childhood abuse. In turn we have an opportunity to grow from reading and trying to understand alternative points of view. Our guidelines for submitting feedback or an article parallel our standard ASCA meeting guidelines. In the Ongoing Education section, I note some helpful ways to provide feedback to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board or to me. We encourage your feedback. We want your feedback. We are open to your feedback. Give us your feedback. There is no Topic article included in this issue. If your meeting requires a topic for a Rotation C meeting, one suggestion would be to use my Reflective Moment piece on Dealing with Reality. Another suggestion would be to select from a past topic. Past topics for Rotation C meetings can be located in the Meeting Format and Support Materials manual available on our web page: www.ascasupport.org (Suggested Topics for Rotation C Meetings). A meeting can also select any topic that the meeting membership might find helpful. Recall that in the May 2001 issue there is a discussion concerning selecting helpful topics for rotation C meeting. These guidelines might be helpful to review. I am seeking a couple of volunteers with editing skills to help prepare the ASCA News for publication. If you have editing talent and have some time to assist us, please contact me for details. The editor's position would involve receiving an article or two via e-mail around the middle of the month. Volunteer editors would have a week to edit and return the article(s) to me. Editors could help out every month or as often as your time permits. I hope you are starting to enjoy the lazy hazy crazy days of summer. For ASCA members in South Africa I hope that the fall season has been bountiful and that a restful period of winter awaits you. A Reflective Moment for June by George J. Bilotta, Ph.D Dealing With Reality: Fighting, Surrendering, Accepting In many of my articles I mention or allude in one way or another to the importance of dealing with reality. In this Reflective Moment article I want to share with you some of my ideas surrounding the concepts of fighting reality, surrendering to reality and accepting reality. Dealing with reality seems to be an essential underlining dynamic within the integration process of ASCA Steps 2, 5, 8, 9, 11, 17 and 18. What Is Reality? Philosophers have been discussing this issue for several millennia. I will not attempt to add to this philosophical debate. For our use, let us agree that reality simply dwells within the arenas of that which is true, factual, correct, accurate and/or authentic. To quote a contractor that inspected my house many years ago — it is what it is. It is what it is, was my contractor's definition of reality. The front stairs were sagging. It is what it is. What do you want to do about it, if anything? What Is Dealing with Reality? From my contractor's perspective dealing with reality resonated throughout his statements: It is what it is. What do you want to do about it, if anything? Dealing with reality means to respond forthrightly and firmly to that which is true, factual and correct. In a sense, dealing with reality seems to be the opposite of denying, minimizing, avoiding and procrastinating. Perhaps the bigger problem in dealing with reality resides with the eyes, ears and heart. If our eyes are covered, if our ears are blocked, if our heart is closed, then what we see, hear and feel is probably distorted, i.e., we take-in only part of our reality. Dealing with reality means first cultivating the capacity to accurately identify and understand the truth of a situation. Second, dealing with reality means to respond forthrightly and firmly to the situation. An Everyday Type Example I will use the following example to try to illustrate the concepts of fighting, surrendering to and accepting reality. The other day I was issued a parking ticket. I thought that I had parked in a legal space. I had checked for signs stating No Parking around my car. Furthermore, there were many other cars parked in back and in front of my car. I assumed that it was legal to park in that particular space. When I returned several hours later, I had a parking ticket waiting for me on my front windshield. For a moment I felt annoyed, agitated and angry. Then I felt confused and curious. I looked around. I saw a few other cars with tickets. I walked back toward the intersection. There were no signs prohibiting parking. As I drove off and as I approached the end of the block, I noticed a sign — No Parking. For reasons unbeknown to me, the No Parking sings that should have been located along the street were there. The reality was that I was issued a parking ticket. I needed to deal with this reality in some way. I had several basic options. I could fight the ticket in parking court, pay the fine or ignore the ticket. While driving home, I considered fighting the ticket in court. It appeared to me that an inj ustice, unfairness, had been done to me. It seemed to me that with only one No Parking sign located at the end of a long city block, that the city had failed to properly give warning in that particular area. I thought that I had a reasonable chance at having the ticket overturned. Then I considered the time and effort of overturning a parking ticket. I decided that it was not worth the time, energy and hassle. I chose to surrender to the reality of the situation. It is what it is. The reality is that the city's bureaucracy is bigger than I am. It would gobble up my time and energy. In the bigger picture of my life, this parking ticket was insignificant. What do you want to do about it, if anything? I decided to pay the fine, add to the city's treasury and to conclude this disagreeable situation. I accepted the fact that there was a probable inj ustice. The inj ustice however was not significant enough to me. I did not want to use my time and energy to alter that reality. Reaching the Bottom-Line of Reality You may be wondering what does a parking ticket and a saying from a contractor have to do with recovery from childhood abuse? From my way of thinking, the quicker I can arrive at the bottom-line of reality — my reality, the reality with which I must interact — the better off I am. The quantity and intensity of friction, pain, unhappiness, etc., that I experience in my life, seems to correlate directly with how quickly and firmly I respond to my realities. For example, I could have spent hours complaining about the shoddy maintenance of signs by the city. I could have written letters of protest. I could have taken pictures of the street without posted signs as evidence. I could have ventured to the courthouse to sign up for court. I could have sat in court for several hours waiting for my turn for j ustice. I also could have wished that my front steps were not sagging. The situation is what it is. If I had chosen another path to deal with the parking ticket then there would have been a considerable amount of stress, hassle, difficulty, frustration, etc. An alternative point of view might state that fighting the ticket would have eased the anger, frustration and disappointment. This may be true for some people. Expending time and energy on fighting the ticket might be very helpful for some. For me, I often find that surrendering to reality tends to ease, dissolve and place into perspective my feelings of anger, frustration and disappointment. Surrendering permits me to observe a different perspective. Surrendering places a particular situation into the fuller context of my life. Surrendering helps me to see, hear and feel more clearly, accurately and fully. Dealing with the Reality of My Father, the Perpetrator Last month I mentioned how I dealt with the reality of my father, the perpetrator in my family. The bottom-line was that my father was not going to change. I saw clearly how my father often acted in unacceptable ways, had many limitations, was narcissistic, and had an inclination to be crazy and inconsistent. I could have chosen to fight with my father until the day he died six years ago. I would have been right and j ust. He would have been wrong and guilty. The reality was that my father was not going to change in any substantive way. My father was who he was. It is what it is. He was a limited and wounded human being who did many evil things to our family. He was also my father whom I loved and cared about. In many ways he was a Jekyll and Hyde character. In my early days of recovery I spent a considerable amount of time fighting with my father. I insisted that he own up to the abuse he perpetrated. I demanded that he take responsibility for his past behavior. I confronted him when he minimized the impact of his abusive behavior within our family. Needless to say, my father never completely owned up to the abuse nor took total responsibility. He also continued to minimize the abuse in many ways. As I developed a different kind of relationship with my father however, adult to adult, my perception of my father began to change. He was no longer a powerful individual, but rather a sad, confused and tortured person. It was during that shift in my perception of my father that I stopped fighting with him. I began the process of surrendering to the reality of my father for who he was — a Jekyll and Hyde. He is what he is. What am I Fighting? Whether fighting with the reality of my father, fighting the reality of an unj ust parking ticket or fighting the reality of replacing sagging stairs, the bottom-line question for me is - what am I fighting? I think that we often fight reality out of hurt, pain, betrayal, fear, confusion, anger, disappointment, etc. We might fight reality because we feel bitter, hateful, revengeful, etc. We might fight the perpetrator or the parking ticket because we want something. We may want love, j ustice, correction, what was lost, etc. We might fight because we are stubborn, unyielding, rigid, etc. We might fight because we insist that reality be altered to fit our perception. We might fight because we do not like or do not want this particular reality. I might fight because I do not want to surrender and accept that my father, the parking ticket, the sagging front stairs is what it is. When I do decide to fight, it is important that I acknowledge what I am fighting. It is equally important to me that I live a life of reflection so that I am aware that I am fighting. If I am disconnected in anyway from my reality, then I will probably be unaware that I am in the mode or stance of fighting. When this happens I have not made a choice. I am not free. I have become a slave to blurred vision, blocked ears and a closed heart. Approaching life in a Don Quixote fashion is not helpful to me. The more I can see clearly, hear accurately and feel fully, the greater is the probability that I will perceive reality in its true and factual context. In turn, the greater is the probability that I will respond to reality in rapid, forthright and firm manner. Surrendering to reality means being aware of and then acknowledging when a situation is bigger than I am. I may not like the reality, but e.g., trying to change my father is bigger than I am. I had no power, influence or ability to change my father. Fighting Reality I probably prolonged my fight with my father because I wanted and insisted that he change. He never changed in any substantive manner. Looking back on those days, it is obvious to me that my ego, my pride, was in the way of me seeing, hearing and feeling my father for who he was. From my understanding and experience, fighting reality is an ego-oriented stance toward life, i.e., I insist that my reality conform to what I want. When I invoke ego-oriented approaches to reality and life, I can easily become stuck, tripped up, overwhelmed, rigid, etc. Instead of dealing with Jekyll and Hyde, I was dealing with someone and/or something else. I wanted my father to be something else, not who he was. My inability to see, hear and feel more comprehensively at that time, — (and there are a hundred and one reasons why), prolonged my early days of recovery. I look back on that time and do not consider it a right or wrong, good or bad. In looking back I now realize that I was not dealing with, not responding to the reality of which my father was — a Jekyll and Hyde who was stuck pathologically. I was dealing with and responding to my projected image, my desire of what I wanted my father to be for me. Over the years I have mourned the loss of the father that I wished I had. I have resolved this loss in my life to the extent that is acceptable to me. I am not saying that we should never fight reality. There are many realities that need to be fought for example, human rights, oppression, equality, etc. What I am emphasizing here is that when we do decide to fight, it is important to see clearly what we are fighting. Otherwise we end up fighting the wrong reality. We waste much time, energy and resources. Surrendering to Reality Surrendering to reality is a spirit-oriented approach to life. By surrendering I understand and acknowledge that the reality with which I am interacting is bigger than I am. I gain a perspective of the bigger picture, the wider horizon in which this reality resides. When invoking a spirit-oriented approach to reality and life, it provides me with perspective, a variety of ways at looking at my situation. A spirit-oriented approach enables me to see, hear and feel my present reality within its larger holistic context. When I began surrendering to the reality of which my father was, it was easier for me to be with him. I did not perceive him as all bad and evil. It was easier to be with him probably because I stopped trying to make him into a person that he could not possibly become. I learned how to respond to the endearing Jekyll aspects and how to deal with the hideous Hyde aspects of my father. Accepting Reality Accepting reality is more of a cognitive-oriented approach toward life. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it probably is a duck. It is what it is. When I invoke a cognitive-oriented approach to reality and life, it seems to reduce the level of emotional contamination that my feelings can too easily project onto the situation. As I surrendered increasingly to the reality of my father, I increased my acceptance of him as a person, as the Jekyll and Hyde person that he was, with all the good and evil, with all his frailties and craziness. Feelings Do Not Alter Reality It does not matter from a dealing-with-reality-perspective how I feel about the sagging stairs, about my father's craziness or about the parking ticket. My reality is never altered by how I feel. How I deal with and respond to my reality might be influenced by my feelings. However, the reality is never changed by how I feel. I think that when I do fight with reality, my projected feelings can distort my perception of reality. The key question of what am I fighting becomes a powerful and clarifying question. In my earlier days of recovery I was fighting with my father for not taking responsibility for the abuse and for not being the father that I wanted him to be. My perception of who he was, became distorted. I was so discouraged and angry with my father for not being the father that I wanted, that I could not see clearly, hear accurately, feel fully who he was. The Dilemma A dilemma arises for many of us when we interact with perpetrators who are family or with family members in denial or who minimize the impact of the abuse. The dilemma revolves around the reality that they are our family. We have feelings about and toward them being our family. We have an emotional history with them. Our feelings toward them often blur and confuse what we are fighting. If I did not want anything from my family, from the perpetrator, then I would have left them cold turkey. But we usually want something from our families. This unfulfilled want tends to cause us to fight. This neglected want can add to the distortion of our perception of reality. In turn we often try to make people into figures that they are incapable of becoming. I tried to make my father into a person that he could not possibly become. When we want something from people who have hurt us and/or continue to hurt us, it is difficult and complicated to break the ties. It confounds our grieving process. It becomes confusing to mourn the loss of a childhood of innocence, the loss of faithful parents, the loss of a steadfast family, the loss of healthy parents and a healthy family environment. The dynamics of change echoes that in part if we want to change, to grow and to move-on, then we usually have to give up something, surrender something. In my life this means usually that I need to give up fighting. Personal Summary The bottom-line is that I choose and try to live a life style that cultivates and encourages me to see, hear and feel reality fully and comprehensively. I tend to deal with and respond to my reality through surrender. In turn, I believe that I have chosen a gentle and compassionate way to walk through life, a less stressful and clearer way of being. Today, I prefer walking through my life surrendering to my realities as quickly and as much as possible. It is better for me to surrender than to fight. Besides, when I have tried in the past to fight reality, I never win. I only end up with bumps and bruises. My experience suggests that many survivors will spend much time and energy fighting the reality of their family and family perpetrator(s). This may j ust be the hard reality of Stages One and Two, of Remembering and Mourning. When we are confused, hurt and angry we tend to fight. The irony for me however, is that fighting our reality does not bring us resolution and peace. It was only toward the end of my process that I surrendered to the reality of my father. It was at that moment that resolution and peace began to unfold for me. Your feedback concerning the preceding article is encouraged and welcomed. ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: ASCA News — Offering Feedback Through the ASCA News we try to offer articles of substance. We try to provide articles that are thought provoking, that are worthy of your time and reflection. We try to delve into areas of recovery that are often uncomfortable, challenging and difficult to discuss. We attempt to offer our readers material that will be helpful in their ongoing process of recovery from childhood abuse. Offering feedback to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board and/or to George Bilotta can be helpful. Your feedback can be beneficial to making and honing the ASCA News so it can be increasingly more responsive to the needs and desires of our readership. Here are some ideas concerning how to offer helpful feedback. The more specific you can be, usually the more helpful your comments will be. 1. Did you find anything in an article that was inaccurate, wrong and/or not factual? 2. Did you experience anything that was confusing, misleading, poorly stated? 3. Did you agree/disagree with a point of view expressed in any of the articles? With what do you agree/disagree? Why? 4. Did you find any article or part of an article particularly helpful or unhelpful? What was helpful? What was unhelpful? 5. Did you experience any particular feelings and/or thoughts that you would like to share? 6. In reading any of the articles, can you think of a way to make the ideas that were presented within any of the articles more readable? What are your thoughts? You can offer feedback by sending an e-mail either to THE MORRIS CENTER's Board at tmc_asca@dnai.com or directly to George at georgebilotta@cs.com. Mailing addresses are included either in the beginning masthead or in the contact information at the conclusion of the newsletter. Your comments will be gratefully received. Poetry GRANDPA 'S BED First they take away my bottle Then they take away my blanket Telling me the milkman wanted them What does the milkman want with them? They couldn 't come up with something better than that? Okay, so now there 's nothing to hold on to Now I cross the street without security But I'd rather cross the street to my grandparents' house than sleep at my parents' I have recurring nightmares I dream of crabs with huge pinchers Dancing on the window sill until growing too large to be friendly Coming at me menacingly While my mother watches from the hallway At my grandparents' I dream of hairy scary monsters coming out of the closet at night While my grandfather watches from the hallway I wake up screaming My grandmother puts me in a flannel nightgown and tells me to switch beds with her She'll sleep alone and I'll sleep with my grandfather My grandfather's a lusty guy, hairy and scary But the bed's warm and I don 't have nightmares I have to kick away my grandfather a lot. He rubs up against me It feels very strange and I don 't understand But it's better than getting hit at my parents' And better than those nightmares So I'll put up with it My grandfather complains about the kicking in the morning I stare at the second hand on the clock Determined to watch time move on Until it's time for breakfast Grandma 's specialty is flapj acks, raw in the middle with broken egg shells But they're warm going down And my mother doesn't cook anything There's nothing warm about my mother She's got a hard shell and big pinchers I take a shower, get dressed And cross the street again without security And enter the house And hold my breath And hope for the best And fear the worst And ask when I can sleep over at my grandparents' again. Copyright 2001 James Daniel. If you would like to provide James Daniel 's with feedback about his poetry,e-mail James at: ribturtle@aol.com. Step Elaboration We continue the monthly Step series by George J. Bilotta, Ph.D. Step Elaboration augments the material provided within our Survivor to Thriver manual. Step 18 (Continued) I have resolved the abuse with my offenders In last month's issue of the ASCA News I offered some of my reflections on Step 18. Through this article I will continue elaborating on Step 18 by focusing on the topic of forgiveness. In Step 18 on page 114 in our Survivor to Thriver manual it states: This step presents the big issue of whether to forgive your parents/abusers. In a sense, resolving the abuse means coming to terms with what was done to you and accepting the feelings you have toward the people that did it. For some people this means forgiveness, but not necessarily for you… Viewing Forgiveness Forgiveness is a controversial issue within the recovery community. Our views on forgiveness are somewhat guided by where we are along the recovery continuum. Our thoughts on forgiveness are also guided by the definition we apply to forgiveness. A survivor j ust starting to feel and acknowledge the abuse is probably not in a space to consider the issue of forgiveness. In fact the survivor might even feel revolted by the thought of forgiving. Jumping into the arena of forgiveness would probably be unhelpful and a distraction from the primary work of Stage One Remembering. On the other hand, a survivor in Stage Three of Healing might perceive forgiveness rather differently. This does not mean however that j ust because one is moving toward the end of the recovery process one automatically forgives. It seems that most survivors struggle eventually with the question of whether to forgive or not to forgive. Survivors come to an understanding for themselves whether forgiving or not forgiving is helpful or unhelpful for their ongoing recovery process and for the future of their lives. There are numerous reasons why some survivors choose to forgive and why some survivors choose not to forgive. The process of forgiving also seems to gather momentum toward the end of the process of recovery. Along the ongoing journey of recovery however, one may notice some impulses concerning whether to forgive or not to forgive. The decision to forgive or not to forgive is a process in and of itself. Defining Forgiveness Every individual has a particular definition or nuance on what forgiveness involves. When considering whether to forgive or not to forgive I think that it is helpful to be clear what our definition of forgiveness includes and does not include. I think that it is also helpful to ask the following questions. 1. If I chose to forgive or not to forgive, what will this mean for my life? 2. What will this mean for my relationship with the perpetrator, if I want a relationship with the perpetrator? 3. What will this mean for my relationship with my family? 4. From where does the impulse come to forgive or not to forgive? 5. What am I forgiving? What Forgiveness Is Not Through my own struggle with forgiving and through my experience accompanying others along the journey of recovery from childhood abuse, there seems to be agreement that forgiveness never includes excusing, minimizing, discounting, denying, condoning, letting slide, letting off the hook, etc., the facts and behaviors of the abuse. Neither does forgiveness include the common adage ¾ forgive and forget. How could one forget the painful and damaging experiences of abuse? This common adage seems to have more to do with minimizing and denying than with forgiving. Personal View of Forgiveness There are many views on forgiveness. A book could fill easily the varying perspectives. Part of my perspective on forgiveness includes four aspects: 1. desiring to be in some type of relationship with the perpetrator 2. resolving hurt and anger 3. shifting power 4. clarifying what is being forgiven. Desire for Relationship First, I think part of the impulse to forgive springs from a desire on the part of the survivor to have a healthy relationship with the perpetrator. Most of the time this means a relationship with a parent, some other family member or friend of the family. My sense is that if we did not desire some enhancement of a healthy relationship with a father, mother, brother, sister, etc., who also happens to have been our perpetrator(s), that the issue of forgiveness would likely be moot. Influence of Hurt and Anger on Forgiveness Second, the capacity to forgive depends in part upon a survivor having resolved sufficiently the hurt and anger stemming from the abuse and the aftermath of the abuse. From my perspective the act of forgiving is a matter of the heart. We hold relationships within our heart. When our openness to these relationships were betrayed through the abuse, our hearts were broken. Hurt and anger tend to close-up and board-up the heart in an attempt to keep the heart protected. If one wants to move toward forgiveness, one's heart needs to reopen. If one wants to move toward a healthy relationship with family members who were perpetrators or conspirators, then one's heart needs to reopen. One's heart does not open when experiencing hurt and anger. I think trying to forgive when we are experiencing hurt and anger is impossible. Forgiveness assumes that one has resolved sufficiently the hurt from and anger toward the perpetrator(s) and/or conspirators. Shifting the Power Third, I think that the act of forgiving involves a shifting of power. The act of forgiveness is not a onetime event. It is an unfolding organic process. I think it is helpful when a perpetrator, e.g., a father seeks forgiveness from the person(s) he abused, e.g., his child(ren). Usually this seeking would involve an acknowledgement that he did abuse. It would also involve a desire to make amends. In many ways this would often translate into becoming a cooperative participant in the survivor's recovery process. Unfortunately, this is more the exception than the rule. I think that a significant shift in power occurs when a survivor feels powerful enough that h/she is able to be magnanimous. Magnanimity assumes significant power. The survivor feels that h/she has a potent power and gift to forgive or to withhold forgiveness. I think this power expressed as magnanimity wells up from a heart that has reopened, that has healed and that has surrendered to the reality of the past abuse. I think one becomes magnanimously powerful by: 1. cultivating eyes that see clearly the reality of the past and present, 2. cultivating ears that hear the story of the survivor as well as the story of the perpetrator, 3. cultivating a heart that embraces the Jekyll and Hyde personas of the perpetrator(s) and/or conspirators. I also think that when a survivor has cultivated the power to forgive that a powerful way of proceeding through life, a powerful stance toward life unfolds. I sense that survivors who have the capacity to forgive feel free. This freedom is a little of what Step 19 alludes in stating that it releases me from the legacy of the past. What to Forgive? Fourth, the capacity to forgive becomes clarified through a process of deciding what to forgive. For me I have never forgiven my father for his destructive abusive behaviors. I have forgiven my father for being a wounded, crazy, inconsistent human being. I have forgiven my father for being a Jekyll and Hyde character. I have forgiven my father for being hurtful, betraying the family, for not being strong. I have forgiven my father for causing pain, distrust, emotional instability within our family, etc. But I have never forgiven my father for his destructive abusive evil behaviors. Instead I have forgiven my father for not being the father I wanted. I have forgiven my father for being pathological and narcissistic, for being a frail, broken, sad and limited human being. I think not responding specifically to the questions of what to forgive and what not to forgive can confuse the topic of forgiveness. Survivors in various discussions focusing on the issue of forgiveness often clash without first articulating fully what they have chosen or not chosen to forgive. Clashing often occurs when discussing forgiveness when some survivors in the discussion are feeling hurt and angry. I think our hurt and anger will always override and overwhelm any consideration of forgiveness. In fact such a discussion will probably only infuriate a survivor who is in the initial stages of recovery or who experiences an ongoing hurt and anger toward the perpetrator(s), toward the conspirator(s). I think that in any discussion concerning forgiveness it is essential and helpful to be clear concerning what one is forgiving and not forgiving. I also think that in the big picture of recovery through participation in ASCA, that listening to shares, taking-in what one can take-in at that time on the topic of forgiveness is helpful in the long run. If an ASCA meeting waited until everyone in attendance was ready and comfortable to move-on to another Step or part of a Step, a meeting, a person would rarely move-on. With each approach to another Step, we become uncomfortable because we are challenging our personal status quo, our personal equilibrium. Besides I also believe that we are always in all of the Stages and Steps. We are j ust focusing on a particular Step or aspect of a Step at any given moment. Summary Step 18, I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me, may or may not include the act of forgiveness. However, from my point of view, I cannot conceive of how a survivor could move-on to Step 19, I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past, to the Step of freedom, without resolving the issue of forgiveness one way or another. A personal reflection on forgiveness cannot be sidestepped. I do not think that the question of whether to forgive or not to forgive, and what to forgive and not forgive can be ignored. Recovery from child abuse ultimately demands a response one way or another concerning the issue of forgiveness. Why? Hurt calls for resolution. The human phenomenon of forgiveness weaves intimately throughout the heart, the core and the very sinew of what it means to be a human being. Recovery from childhood abuse in part is about resolution and becoming a fuller human being. Your feedback concerning the preceding article is encouraged and welcomed. Announcements Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News. Currently, we forward a hardcopy or a file of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. How to order the Survivor to Thriver manual? First, the manual can be downloaded from our web site for free. Second, to purchase a copy of the manual send a check or money order payable to "The Morris Center" for $24.00 (add $5.00 for orders outside of US, i.e., $29.00) and mail to George Bilotta, Survivor to Thriver, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, U.S.A. Manuals are sent priority mail usually within a few days. 2. If you have editing skills and want to volunteer to assist with preparing the ASCA News for publication, please contact George Bilotta for details. 3. If there are changes in Co-Secretary assignments, please let us know so we can forward a hard copy or e-mail a file of the ASCA News to the correct person. Also if Co- Secretaries have a change in address, telephone number or e-mail, please send these change to: e-mail: GeorgeBilotta@cs.com, telephone: 508.835.6054, mailing address: 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020. 4. If your meeting is not receiving the ASCA News at the beginning of every month contact George Bilotta. 5. Remember that if you want to submit an article for the July issue of the ASCA News, our deadline is June 11th. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • May 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta In the April issue of the ASCA News, we mentioned that THE MORRIS CENTER's Board of Directors developed a working definition of recovery from childhood abuse. The purpose of the working definition is to assist the Board in their planning efforts. I thought that it might be a helpful exercise to explore in this issue various aspects inherent within the concept of recovery. Though our perception of recovery is subjective, i.e., we each read into recovery a specific set of meanings depending upon our personal situation, there are many general and inclusive ideas overlapping the concept of recovery from childhood abuse. Such an exploratory discussion might be of some service concerning how we view our recovery and what recovery from childhood abuse is all about for us. In addition such a review might add to the concrete process of our ongoing recovery, of how we enter into and continue the project of recovery. In a variety of ways this discussion dovetails easily into aspects of Steps 3, 18 and 19. Step 3 states I have made a commitment to recovery from my childhood abuse. Step 18 states I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me. Step 19 states I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past. In my Reflective Moment piece I will take-up recovery as a process. I will elaborate on the first part of the Board's working definition of recovery as it relates to some of the ASCA Steps. I will follow-up in the June issue with additional discussion on the working definition of recovery. In this way I will try to layout recovery's bigger picture. Within my standard Topic article, I will explore and raise questions to ponder concerning what have been our individual lived experiences of recovery. The usual Ongoing Education Moment will review how our web page, www.ascasupport.org, might be a useful tool in our ongoing recovery process. I have also included a brief summary from the results of the survey that was conducted last October - December through the ASCA meetings. In addition, I am inaugurating a new monthly series. The series will consist of taking each of the 21-Steps and offering adj unct material to what is already contained in our Survivor to Thriver manual. I will not be writing about each of the 21-Steps sequentially. Rather I will endeavor to discuss one of the steps that might relate more or less to the general theme(s) that may be highlighted in the ASCA News during that particular month. In this issue I will initiate the monthly series by exploring Step 18, I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me. In an effort to include other perspectives and to widen our experience of the various Steps, you are invited to submit your perspective to be included in future ASCA News editions. You may submit an article about the previous Step discussed. For example you might want to write something for the June issue about Step 18 that is being covered in this issue. Or you might want to write something for the June issue on Step 19 that will be explored in the upcoming June issue. You might focus on a Step by relating what the Step means for you and how you have been working the Step to further your recovery. In the June issue I will announce the forthcoming Steps that will be covered in the July, August and September issues. Any reflections you have to offer will be welcomed. The deadline for submissions is the 15th of every month for the upcoming issue of the ASCA News. Article length should be 1-page or less. You can forward your submission to me at my address: 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583, or you can e-mail your submission within your e-mail (not as an attachment) to georgebilotta@cs.com. The following brief article continues our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions as we slowly move into a new millennium. A Reflective Moment for May Recovery: A Process by George Bilotta What is recovery from childhood abuse all about? A wide variety of views exist concerning the concept of recovery. But recovery itself seems to contain several primary elements that can be initially extracted from Steps 3, 18 and 19. Step 3 implies that recovery involves a process. Step 18 suggests that recovery has something to do with resolving the abuse according to an individual's preferences. Step 19 infers that recovery is subjective. It also indicates that recovery's purpose has something to do with being freed from that which was handed down from the past. In addition the Board has proposed a working definition of recovery from childhood abuse stating: Recovery from child abuse is a process that includes the ongoing telling of one's story and experience about the abuse, the effects of the abuse on one's life, the ongoing efforts at recovery, along with receiving support, acceptance and feedback from the community of survivors and others for the purpose of integrating unresolved childhood events through the process of remembering, mourning and healing to become a thriver in all aspects of life. Based on the above, there seems to be agreement that recovery is a process. A process unfolds over a period of time. A process includes a series of actions and/or changes that bring about a desired result. Implied within this process is growth and change. One grows and changes usually by entering into and working through the particular aspects of a process. Often, the novice entering into the process of recovery from childhood abuse will ask something like, how long will the process of recovery take? When people ask this type of question they do not seem to be concerned so much with a specific time frame. Rather they are more interested in when they might expect to experience some substantive results. How long will it be until they sense some growth and change, until they experience a reduction in pain and anxiety? How long until they begin to feel some relief from their depression, and/or until they start to experience enough growth and change so that they can have some quality of life? The process, as a time frame, can last a brief period for some survivors, but for most survivors the process will probably last for many years. In part, it depends upon how one responds to Steps 18: I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me. And Step 19: I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past. A process can also imply a methodology. The Board describes the ASCA process methodology as an ongoing telling of one's story. Within the story telling process one relates the experiences about the abuse, the effects of the abuse, and one's ongoing efforts at recovery. We use the term story since every life unfolds a unique story. Within the story telling process, the survivor relating h/her story, remains in control of what is disclosed. ASCA's story telling process honors a person's pace, discretion and privacy. The story telling process is one way to maintain an awareness of what happened, the abuse's influences on our early, later and present lives, and what one is doing to resolve the residue from the abuse. In many ways one of ASCA's most effective elements is its structure that supports the story telling process. Through the Steps and through the ASCA meeting format people share their story of abuse, especially within stage one of Remembering. Whether within meetings, the e-meeting or with outside receptive listeners, the ASCA framework guides, supports and encourages survivors to tell, retell and tell some more, from as many different perspectives as possible, their story of abuse, the effects of the abuse on their lives and their ongoing efforts at recovery. In time the story takes twists and turns flowing out of new insights, positive changes and growth in one's life, and an emerging new sense of self (Step 20). The big sweeping brush stroke of recovery seems to be to understand recovery as a process, a process with a particular methodology, and containing many variables depending upon past events and the individuality of each survivor. In a sense, recovery could be described as exchanging or moving from painting our daily life interactions with people, events and things with a palate consisting of a few colors and switching to a palate consisting of many colors. So how long does one's recovery period last? It may all depend upon how many colors that you want on your life's palate. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for May Our Experience of Recovery The lived experience of recovery from childhood abuse seems as varied and diverse as the uniqueness of each survivor. Yet within recovery's uniqueness a commonness, usualness, sameness, a prevalence of experience seems to appear as different people describe and list their experiences of recovery from childhood abuse. Dwelling with our experiences of recovery has many advantages. On one level it is heartening to describe and to list our experiences within recovery. It is in part our story of how far along in the journey, in the process we have already come, even if a beginner. On another level, reflecting back upon our experiences of recovery thus far provides hope, encourages our steadfastness, instills energy, acknowledges our growth, and offers a glimmer of the new emerging self (Step 20). Still on another level recounting our experiences might also provide additional self- guidance concerning how one should continue to proceed, what might be our current priorities, what might be the upcoming obstacles to our recovery efforts, etc. You might find it helpful to respond to the requested descriptions and questions that follow. Describe your experiences with helpful people who have accompanied you thus far in your process of recovery from child abuse. What has this experience with these helpful people done to you and for you? Describe your experiences with unhelpful people who seem to have obstructed, complicated, burdened, confused your process of recovery thus far. What have been the outcomes from these experiences with unhelpful people for you and your recovery process? Describe your struggle, ambivalence, pain and fear surrounding your recovery process up to this point in time. What have you learned about yourself through your struggle, ambivalence, pain and fear? Describe your basic movements, any areas of growth or change, any rewards or joys that have transpired since you have been working on your recovery from childhood abuse. How have these movements, areas of growth or change, rewards or joys enhanced your life thus far? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Selecting Helpful Topics and Accompanying Handout Materials for Rotation C ASCA Meetings? User Friendly Help Is on Our Web Page www.ascasupport.org Making Life a Little Easier for Co-Secretaries and Meeting Participants? We are constantly on the outlook for resources that can add value to our recovery process. One resource that may be somewhat underused is our web page. Our web page contains a substantial amount of user friendly information and tools to assist any survivor on any level of recovery with their ongoing process of recovery from childhood abuse. Our present web page has a new look and feel. It was totally redesigned and placed into service late last fall 2000. Without a doubt it is an extraordinary web page. How can our web page assist with your ongoing recovery process? First, our Survivor to Thriver manual is available to review, to download a chapter or to download the entire manual. Second, past issues of the ASCA News are also available to read. There are many survivor topics that are addressed in the ASCA News. If you are new to ASCA or have not been reading the ASCA News on a regular basis, you might find some of the past articles beneficial. Third, we have an ASCA e-Meeting online. Some great sharing has been done through the e- Meetings. E-Meetings might be helpful if you want to lookup past shares on particular Steps or topics. E-Meetings can also be useful if you have not been able to attend your regular ASCA meeting. Particularly for Co-Secretaries, the ASCA Meeting Format & Support Materials manual is online. There is also the ASCA Meeting Guidebook for anyone to read within which various procedures and protocols concerning ASCA meetings are discussed. Finally there is our Resource section that contains a detail discussion concerning how to go about finding resources in your area that may be useful to your recovery. It also lists a few of the better web pages available for survivors. Finally, j ust becoming familiar with our web page may provide you with assistance sometime in the future when you have a question. You might remember that you found the question discussed somewhere within our web page. If you ever have a suggestion for our web page let us know your ideas. Poetry THE PAIN WITHIN Why can't they see.., the pain they cause me by being sexually abused. The anger i feel.., that comes from resentment of being an innocent child. Looking for love, only to find abuse in a hostile environment. No where to run, no where to hide the only way out, was wanting to die. Wanting to die, the only way out of the pain and confusion i feel. God help me...what will be my fate, someone please help me before its too late. God help me ...it's already too late, they have sealed my fate by being sexually abused. My Grandfather is violent, my Father is sick, and my Mother is no where around. Sorry to say ...there is no one to hear the screams, and to see the pain on my face. No one to help me in any way, j ust my abuser and me. It's that time again, time to go, time to tune things out. Gotta go, too painful now, see ya when things become normal again. See ya around sometime soon in my memories, when you begin the search to find, The Pain Within Love me. Written by Tina B. Step Elaboration Step 18 I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me. This article inaugurates a new monthly series by George Bilotta, Ph.D., that elaborates and augments the existing material describing the various ASCA Steps found in our Survivor to Thriver manual. In Step 18 a survivor is called upon to unfold the meaning of two terms: resolved and acceptable. I have resolved the abuse to the extent that is acceptable to me. How we unfold the meaning of resolved and acceptable will influence significantly our ongoing process of recovery from childhood abuse. To resolve implies that one has made a decision, reached a decision, has gone through a process of arriving at a decision or making a determination about a matter. It is a decision or determination that contains a solution, an acceptable outcome, a satisfying or even successful result. To resolve further suggests that one has moved from dissonance to consonance, from discord to harmony, from conflict to peace. In the big picture of recovery from childhood abuse, to resolve the abuse indicates that one has reached a significant fork in the road, a turning point, a transformative moment in the recovery process. From a more experiential perspective to resolve something may be experienced as relief, an easing, a quieting, a disengaging, a letting go and a release of tension. It may be experienced as restorative, healing, freeing, detaching, disconnecting, loosening, unshackling, separating and distancing. It may be experienced as a decrease in anxiety, in vigilance and in hopping through hoops. There is a perceptible decrease of focus on that which was previously unresolved. It no longer absorbs time, energy, resources, etc. Time, energy, resources, etc. are now refocused on new matters. To resolve something may be experienced as a satisfying joy, a kind of ok-ness, acceptance, peacefulness. It can be experienced as a self-statement that I have done the best that I can. I am satisfied. I accept that nothing more can be done. I acknowledge that I have done everything that is required of me. I understand and accept that some loose ends may remain untied. One's heart is full, open and unencumbered. The survivor's stance and posture toward the perpetrator(s) and people who have been in denial about the past abuse has probably changed. To be resolved may look like ¾ I am no longer trying to change them, persuade them, argue with them, plead with them, negotiate with them or bring them along. I am no longer trying to get them to acknowledge and to discuss the abuse, their denial, their overt or covert involvement with the abuse, etc. I am no longer emotionally invested or interested in what they think about the past abuse or about their present understanding concerning the abuse. Their craziness, inconsistency, unpredictability and their personal limitations have a significantly diminished effect on me. To resolve the abuse may mean that I am no longer trying, putting energy into trying to change the other, the perpetrator(s), those in denial. The focus and life energy has shifted back to me living my life the way that I want. The resolve feels substantive and firm. I acknowledge and maintain the boundaries and limits that I have established with the perpetrator(s), with those in denial. I have stopped trying to alter them, trying to get them to see the past events in a different light. I have let go, disengaged, surrendered to the reality that I have no power to change, persuade or influence them. In part I may deal with my former perpetrator(s) and those in denial by responding to their behavior. If they should do X or Y, then I do A or B. If for example, my father, the perpetrator, chooses to act crazy or act in a way that is unacceptable to me, then my firmness and my established limits for example, may have me leaving the situation. I may simply withdraw and free myself from the situation. I accept that I have no power to change him or influence him. When he chooses to do X, I simply do A. Part of being resolved may include being aware and acknowledging for example that my father for the most part has not changed, that he is still plagued with the inclination to be crazy and to behave in unacceptable ways. If I choose to engage him, I have my resolve. When he moves toward acting crazy, I simply withdraw. This is my planned response, my consistent response and my resolved response. Part of being resolved may also include maintaining separation from the abuser(s) or people in denial because they continue to harm me in some way. They may be toxic people that may require that I maintain appropriate physical and emotional distance from them. Picking up the second term, acceptable, to be unfolded in Step 18, what do we mean by … to the extent that is acceptable to me? Being resolved is subjective and therefore is defined by personal subjective criteria. What may be acceptable or unacceptable to one person may also be unacceptable or acceptable to another survivor under similar or dissimilar circumstances. Comparing perceived degrees of resolution between self and other survivors is not helpful. We do not walk in the shoes of other survivors and have limited access to the condition of their heart. We do ourselves an inj ustice when we compare our sense of resolution with the resolve of others. What is acceptable to me? Acceptable implies that something is adequate, that something satisfies the need, that something fulfills the requirement. Acceptable alludes to the fact that life is imperfect, that we often have to settle for second best, that we never receive everything that we want, need or require. Acceptable suggests that life is a constant compromise, negotiation, agreed upon settlement of disputes and misunderstandings, a give-and-take, a you scratch my back and I will scratch your back existence. Though we can have it our way at McDonald's, most of life is not so accommodating. Another aspect of acceptable is how acceptable-ness is steeped in reality. When I am unaware and do not see clearly, a high probability exists that I am distorting reality. There are varied reasons why I may be unaware and my perceptual vision is blurry. Being unaware and blinded makes what is acceptable and what is unacceptable problematic. For example, my father may be crazy, displaying inconsistent behavior, narcissistic ways, exercising poor boundaries, etc. I may want and I may insist that he change, that he be different and that he do something to deal with his pathology. This insistence, my insistence, this refusal, my refusal, to be aware, to see reality and thus to accept reality, i.e., the craziness of my father, is going to make it difficult if not impossible for me to resolve the abuse with him to the extent that is acceptable to me. If who he is, is unacceptable to me, i.e., his craziness, narcissism, emotional unhealthiness, etc, then how can I resolve? To accept is to be aware and to see clearly. This moves our discussion into the delicate matter of acceptance. When I accept the fact, when I acknowledge and accept reality, for example that my father is narcissistic, this acceptance is not the acceptance that approves of his narcissism and that applauds his narcissistic ways that resulted in the abuse. Rather acceptance of his narcissism is to be aware and to see that in all reality my father is narcissistic, that part of him is only concerned with himself, with gratifying himself, with filling himself often at the expense of others. I acknowledge and accept this reality. I do not minimize his narcissism. I do not make excuses for his past abusive behavior. When I arrange to be with him, to engage him, I am aware, I have my radar automatically scanning for his narcissism to turn its ugly face. When his narcissism appears, I withdraw, I free myself from the situation. When I accept my perpetrator(s), when I accept family members who deny the past abuse, I am accepting them for who they are. I accept the reality of who they are. I am aware of who they are. I can plainly see who they are and I understand who they are. This is dealing with the reality of my situation. This is dealing with the unpleasant stuff and painful j unk that life has dealt me. I do not swoon into wishful thinking if only he were different, if only I had another father, another family. When I accept reality and surrender to reality, when I accept my perpetrator(s) and family members in denial, I stop struggling. I stop fighting reality. I stop trying to change reality. I stop trying to fix something. I stop trying to fix people and events that I can not fix. In part, acceptance may consist of being aware and seeing the Jekyll and Hyde, the good and evil. I do not forget the abuse, do not absolve the abuse, but rather accept for example our parent(s) with their Jekyll and Hyde personalities, their pathologies, their limitations, often extreme and ugly limitations. Acceptance may also include acknowledging that they are also wounded, hurting people, even though they may not show their pain. Acceptance is seeing, hearing, feeling with a resolved set of eyes, ears and heart. For example, part of resolving the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me may include accepting my father, the perpetrator but not the abusive behaviors. With a resolved heart, with my feet planted firmly in reality, I accept him as a limited, wounded, pathological, unpredictable, narcissistic person. Ironically, in his Jekyll and Hyde characterization, this person may also have the capacity to give somewhat, to be supportive to a certain extent, to be engaging on some level. However, not all formerly abusive fathers have this capacity. He also happens to be my parent, my father, whom on some level I may still love and care about, even though he has been abusive and evil in the past, and has the potential to be abusive in the future. I accept that what he has to offer is limited. But I might still want to engage with him or others on that limited basis. Why? Because I have determined that in some way, that on some level, that it is good, positive and that it holds the potential for growth for me to engage for example, my father on a limited basis. Not all fathers however may be worthy of engaging. This is a decision that each survivor needs to make. For example, should I continue to engage a parent who was also my perpetrator? This capacity to accept reality and the people who compose my reality has more to do with me, the survivor. It has less to do with the perpetrator(s), with the people who live in denial of the abuse. It has more to do with the new eyes, ears and heart that I have cultivated during my process of recovery. What is acceptable to me may not be acceptable to another survivor. Or what is acceptable to me at my level of recovery may not be acceptable to another survivor who is at another level of recovery. Life and how we live our lives is subjective. When I stop struggling, when I surrender to reality, when I stop resisting reality and accept the reality of my situation, then options and possibilities come forth. It is within this type of reality oriented environment in which I am fully aware and see clearly that I can resolve the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News. Currently, we forward a hardcopy of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. If there are changes in co-secretary assignments, please let me know. Also if co-secretaries have a change in address or telephone number, please send me these changes. Finally, if as a co-secretary you have e-mail, would you please e-mail me at georgebilotta@cs.com so I can verify and have your e-mail. You can also contact me at 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, 508.835.6054. Survey Results During the months of October through December 2000, a survey was distributed to all the ASCA meetings and also placed on our web page. A total of 28 ASCA participants responded to the survey. Fifty-seven percent of the participants have attended ASCA for a year or more, with 68% having participated in ASCA for at least 6 months. Some of the results included the following: Eighty-six percent stated that they are either satisfied or extremely satisfied with the way most of the meetings are run. Fifty-seven percent stated that they were extremely satisfied. Twenty-five percent stated that they check our web page at least once a month. Several participants mentioned that they do not have access to the web. Thirty-nine percent use our Survivor to Thriver manual at least once a month. Whereas, 43% note that they never use or use only once a year the Survivor to Thriver manual. Thirty-nine percent reported that they read the ASCA News every month, with 29% stating that they never read the ASCA News. Several participants mentioned that they never see the ASCA News at the meetings. Participants reported a wide variety of means and techniques that they used for recovery from their childhood abuse. Sixty-one percent noted psychotherapy, 51% mentioned ASCA and other support groups, 36% stated that reading was helpful in their recovery, 21% suggested that friendships with others in recovery helped and 14% noted that writing assisted in their recovery. As to what participants most appreciated about ASCA, 21% mentioned the people in some form, 14% specifically noted safety, 14% wrote about honesty in some manner, another 14% acknowledged support, 11% recorded the community aspect and 11% was thankful that ASCA existed. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • April 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta I want to acknowledge a mistake that was recently brought to my attention. In an article for Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for November 1999, I was trying to dwell with our readers primarily around the concept of thankfulness. It was November and the Thanksgiving Day holiday was coming up. In the article however, I contrasted thankfulness with anger. The mistake that I made was that I should not have addressed two different concepts, i.e., thankfulness and anger in the same article. It led to some confusion among some ASCA participants and some participants feeling invalidated around their anger. I apologize for being the source of confusion and any double messages that the article related inadvertently. If you have been a long-term reader of the ASCA News, you are aware that many of the topics, concepts and issues that I address through the ASCA News are often complicated and occasionally controversial. One of my goals for the ASCA News is to present articles that are thought stirring and challenging. It is neither my aim nor my desire to provoke readers, but rather to invigorate thinking. I want to encourage and support people to think in-depth about important issues surrounding recovery from childhood abuse. In addition, I view the ASCA News as a venue to present themes that might not be covered in the 21-Steps or in the Survivor to Thriver, along with trying to elaborate and to add to the steps' or manual's discussion. I also try to include a practical application within most articles. How do we go about changing something in our lives, growing, moving-on, etc? Providing practical application in and of itself is a challenge. Finally, I try to add an element of balance and rebalance, perspective and viewing recovery from different angles within the ASCA News. So much of our lives have been filled with pain, violence, negativity, disregard, harshness, etc. Sometimes we lose sight of and forget that there is another part of life -- the gentler, fulfilling, meaningful, engaging, etc. part of life. I sense that many survivors as well as myself are trying to move toward having a fulfilling and meaningful life. In part, I think that this is what recovery moves toward, i.e., to resolve the past sufficiently so that we can move-on and have the life that we want. It is almost like we have forgotten or perhaps never had the experience of being fully functioning, happy, fulfilled human beings. It is helpful to have a sense of where we are going which I think is what Steps 13, 15,19, 20 all point toward. One of the realizations that I have accepted is that to more thoroughly explore various themes I need to give myself permission to use more space. I have always tried to keep the monthly ASCA News to four pages. Consequently, I often find myself condensing thoughts. I have decided that it is too difficult, too prone to misinterpretation and consequently an unhelpful way to go. So starting with this issue, (though you may have already noticed over the past few months) I am taking additional space to more thoroughly develop and propose thought-inducing themes. I hope that you will find this new arrangement helpful and more satisfying. It has been almost a year and a half since I wrote that article on thankfulness. A year and a half seems a long time to wait for some concrete feedback. Please, please, please, if something that I write displeases you, rubs you wrong, seems inconsistent, is confusing for you, whatever, please let me know. You can let me know directly via email, telephone call, handwritten letter. You can sign your name or you can forward your thoughts to me anonymously. Whatever works for you. But please let me know if something in the ASCA News disturbs you. My contact information is always on the last page of the ASCA News, i.e., my email, telephone number and mailing address. When I receive feedback I try to respond, correct and rebalance the situation. However, if I do not receive concrete feedback about something that is off putting and only receive feedback from people who enjoy and find helpful what I am writing, then it leads me to think that I am hitting the mark. I do not realize that some people may be upset or confused if they do not let me know. In addition, by providing me with some feedback if I have missed the mark, it will be a wonderful opportunity to re-explore a theme, to add to the discussion, to offer another point of view. I am also contemplating the idea of writing some of the material so that it corresponds with the three stages of remembering, mourning and healing. The one hold back with this idea is that we are in all stages and steps all the time, though we may be focusing specifically within a particular stage and/or step or are more developed or recovered in one area than another. What I might try to do in the future is note how a theme, topic, issue, etc. might relate to the various stages or where the theme might tend to show up most prominently within the scheme of the three stages of recovery. It will take awhile for me to figure this out. Occasionally, someone will forward an article, poem, etc. for the ASCA News. If you ever want to share something with the community send it to me. The same guidelines for writing something for the ASCA News are the same principles we use in ASCA meetings. I look forward to hearing from you. The following brief article continues our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions as we slowly move into a new millennium. A Reflective Moment for April Enriching the Soil that Fosters Our Emerging Self by George Bilotta Many of us are acutely aware that the abuse we suffered during childhood wounded and hindered our sense of self from fully developing and emerging. Many of us have probably questioned how our sense of self, how we perceive and feel about ourselves, how our self-esteem would have evolved if we grew up within healthy families, if we were not abused. For many survivors part of recovery is fostering a renewed sense of self or as step sixteen would state - I am strengthening the healthy parts of myself, adding to my self-esteem. In part it involves enhancing the dimensions and characteristics that we like and replacing and/or decreasing the dimensions and characteristics that were distorted through the influence of abuse and growing up within an unhealthy family environment. For me the basic stuff, the fundamental soil, the center out of which our sense of self emerges and grows is through an enriched sense of awe and wonder in our everyday lives. Cultivating awe and wonder in our everyday lives fundamentally opens me up to the realization of who I am as a person, the wonderful mystery of me. Awe and wonder open me up, permitting me to see and embrace myself with all my strengths, beauty and wonderfulness along with a gentle acceptance of my weaknesses, the parts of me that remain underdeveloped. Awe and wonder are the enriched soil out of which my true sense of self can grow, develop and emerge, and then be viewed, valued and embraced. Opening up is important because most often closing down, shutting down, closing out, blocking out were necessary survival tactics that we employed to stay alive, to survive the pain, the suffering and the bewildering mess that we found ourselves in as children. For many survivors the process of opening up is difficult, scary and full of anxiety. Yet, if somehow we do not learn and practice how to open up then much of life will be walled off, closed off, unavailable and lost. For me opening up via cultivating awe and wonder in my daily life has been a safe, private, readily available and non-risky way to foster my renewed sense of self, to enhance my self-esteem. Opening up, I believe, is part of Steps 1, 2 and 3 in Stage One of Remembering. Opening up is also part of Steps 8 and 13 in Stage Two of Mourning. Opening up is also part of Steps 15, 16 and 17 in Stage Three of Healing. From my perspective, opening up is very important within the recovery process from childhood abuse. What is awe and wonder? It is for example the experience evoked when holding an infant. There is something about holding an infant that evokes a powerful set of feelings and behaviors within the fragileness, vulnerability, sacredness and innocence of the infant. What is evoked is what we call awe and wonder. We are open when we hold the infant. Similarly when we stroll down a secluded beach mesmerized by the power, beauty and enormity of the ocean, the environmental setting seems to evoke awe and wonder. We are often stunned, humbled and overcome with the magnificence of the ocean. In that moment we are open to the mystery of Mother Nature. Listening to some ASCA shares can sometimes evoke a sense of awe and wonder. As we sit listening, (or reading shares on our web page within the ASCA e-meetings) we are astonished, taken aback, wondering how this person who as been so abused, hurt and wounded manages to carry on with his or her life so well. Listening in this manner to ASCA shares, we are sometimes awe inspired. We open ourselves up to the people who speak from their heart, the center of their being. We feel deeply touched. Opening up has everything to do with providing the conditions, the rich soil needed to be deeply in love with self and others. Loving deeply with passion whether towards oneself or toward others involves not only the previous examples of holding the infant, walking the beach, listening to that special ASCA share, but also being mystified, stunned, warmly and refreshingly overwhelmed with the beauty, power, majesty, wonderfulness, fragileness, etc., of self, the other, nature, etc. Most often this is something we did not receive or marginally received growing up within an abusive environment. Cultivating awe and wonder in our daily lives can help us I believe to maintain our openness to self, others and the things of the world. Cultivating awe and wonder is one way to keep our hearts open to the mystery of who we are, to the mystery of others, to the mystery of life. In so doing, in my experience it enhances a sense of self, self worth, self-esteem. How do we go about cultivating awe and wonder in our everyday lives? I will try to respond to this question through some examples of my own daily life. On a daily basis because I value what cultivating awe and wonder can mean for me in my life, I aim purposefully at trying to be attentive to and reflective about the people, events and things around me that might evoke awe and wonder. For example, I have two cats, Cleo and Hobbs who have been a part of our family for 13 years. Every morning it is the same basic routine. Pick me (Cleo) up and rub my belly. It is a brief moment to ponder the security she senses, the trust, the amazing sense of connection that she has with her human caretaker. For me it sets the tone of the day - try to be gentle, try to be open, try to take in the goodness that life is presently offering. Another example of cultivating awe and wonder in an ordinary everyday manner for me is making my stovetop espresso. For me making my espresso in the morning is a conscious and deliberate ritual filled with expectation and anticipation of something wonderfully delicious and satisfying about to happen. There is joy and satisfaction in tasting the initial sips of espresso. I focus on the flavors, the weight of the rich liquid on my tongue, its warmth, its depth of flavors. I ponder in amazement at how a few grounded beans can make such a refreshing liquid experience. As I read and sometimes peruse specific articles within the morning newspaper, it is often filled with little articles that spark awe and wonder. In a newspaper that is filled usually with much human misery, tragedy and hate, I am awed and filled with wonder as I ponder the many examples of human resilience, heroism and kindness. Examples of neighbor aiding neighbor, the cutting edge marvels of science and medicine, etc., fill the daily paper beckoning me to be still as I wonder in an incomprehensible way what many dedicated people have created. In some ways I do not skim or j ust read part of the newspaper but with selected articles I ponder and allow the news article to disclose its awe and fill me with wonder. It sets another tone for the day - don't take life and the environment around me for granted, try to be appreciative, try to interact with respect. No matter how often I use it, my computer is simply another fascinating means that provides awe and wonder throughout my day. Usually, when I first boost up my computer, I tend to check my email. In seconds I receive notes sometimes from around the world. It is truly amazing for someone like me to click and have almost instant response by receiving messages and information from thousands of miles away. It is simply beyond my comprehension how talented people have enhanced my life with this type of technology. Throughout the day while at my desk with my trusty computer, additional tones for the day continue to echo - reminders of others out in the world working. I wonder how our cooperative work improves our world, how each of us contributes in a unique way to the whole, how we each have a place in society, that we are all trying our best even though we often fall short. So within a couple of hours into an ordinary day and throughout the day, there have been several distinct experiences of awe and wonder that have opened me, that have set the tone for the day, that have humbled me, that have placed life into perspective. This ongoing enrichment of my being through ordinary daily experiences that evoke awe and wonder opens me up, adds substance and concrete form to my sense of self. How? What does it add? The how is that through focusing, pondering, staying momentarily with the numerous experiences of awe and wonder that come my way throughout the day, I remain open, or I am reopened, or opened up a little more. What does it add? In this openness I can see and feel who I am, my strengths, my talents, my beauty, my wonderfulness. The openness also exposes my weaknesses, my lacks, my faults, my many things that I would prefer not to notice. But the light of awe and wonder also sheds a beam of gentle acceptance, compassionate understanding, an embrace of acknowledgment that it is okay that I have these underdeveloped sides of me, that I am not a bad, ugly, incomplete person because I have underdeveloped aspects. I understand, appreciate and let sink in a little more that to be human is to be incomplete as well as wonderful. So awe and wonder help me to remain open. In this openness I see myself in my glory and in my incompleteness. In this openness I am aware, see, understand and accept a little bit more, who I am. The awe and wonder, the openness, provide some measure of balance and perspective. It counters the past negative j unk that stated that I was no good, bad, ugly, not worthwhile, would not amount to anything, etc. Enhancing our sense of self, building up our self-esteem through cultivating awe and wonder which can help us to be open to life and the world around us, is only one of the many ways to grow and to change in this particular arena of our lives. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for March Resistance: The Rusty Hinges of Recovery Resistance, both a common everyday experience and a standard psychological concept, somewhat resembles the rusting hinges on the doorway to our ongoing recovery. If we tug, pull and force the rusty hinged door to give, to release, to deny its rustiness, a high probability exists that in trying to pressure the door open that there will be a break, a fracture, an unhinging of the door. More harm and more mess seem to occur in our lives when we use force, harshness and/or impulsiveness than when we approach problems, difficulties and dilemmas in a thoughtful, gradual and light handed manner. Everyday resistance includes putting off unpleasant tasks like household chores, deferring tax preparation until April, dieting, exercising, etc. Resistance within our recovery process might look like - avoiding reading that article or book on the subject of abuse. Or forgetting to make that call to a psychotherapist, a support group, or deferring confronting our abuser or a family member. Or not acknowledging that our abuser is possibly emotionally bankrupt which may necessitate appropriate distance from him or her. When we lift the lid off of any type of emotional resistance we can look and peer down into the pain, hurt, displeasure, distress, discomfort, dislike, etc., that functions as the rusting resisting agent. For example, a wife and mother may resist seeing and then acknowledging that her husband is abusing her children. The resistance or the rusting agent is the distress, hurt and anger that would accompany such an acknowledgment. The resistance, the rusting agent, prevents her from seeing, from seeing the reality around her. Another example might include the difficulty that many survivors experience in trying to enhance their self-esteem. If they should think and feel well about themselves, then it might create confusion and conflict concerning "if I am such a worthwhile person why was I abused?" They will probably also resist seeing and acknowledging that they are wonderful, enjoyable and have many skills. They resist since the concepts do not fit their mindset, because they feel uncomfortable thinking positively about themselves. Or in thinking well about themselves, they may decide to venture off and try to have the life that they want. This might necessitate leaving all behind and it probably scares the dickens out of them. From a basic psychological perspective what causes us to be resistant is often, but not solely, the fear, hurt, pain, displeasure, anxiety, uncomfortableness, etc., which its roots tend to be more unconscious rather than conscious. Since most of us are not masochistic, we tend to avoid pain and discomfort. Look at how many people resist loosing weight that their medical doctors have advised. We resist loosing weight not because we do not have the strength, the will or the knowledge that it will be good for us, but rather perhaps because we will feel deprived, feel hungry, feel empty. We resist these feelings. Many survivors feel such a high level of deprivation that the thought of dieting, i.e., purposefully depriving themselves of food, a primary pleasure in our day, is an unpleasant and unthinkable choice. For many people eating is a way to deal with anxieties of various forms. For some survivors they need the weight as a guard against being perceived as attractive and physically inviting. For many people these types of feelings and hunger bring up a wide variety of unresolved stuff from their lives. Also, for some survivors with extra weight they have a medical condition that presents other problems and challenges for them and has nothing to do with resistance. It might also be helpful to consider the concept of resistance as an aspect of change or the inability to flow with change. Many people feel stuck, incapable, unsettled, anxious or fearful of change. We might say that we would then have a certain degree of rigidity, inflexibility, adamancy and/or intransigence concerning our unconscious or conscious refusal to try to change, to try to change our situation, to try to change by looking at self or a situation from a different perspective. So part of my resistance might also have something to do with my concerns around change. The question now arises, how do we deal with our personal resistance, with the rustiness on our door hinges to life, on our door hinges to recovery? What might be the solvents and the lubricants that dissolve and loosen the rust, the resistance? Since resistance tends to be more unconscious than conscious, dealing with resistance directly is often not possible and in the least difficult and frustrating. Forcing ourselves is usually counterproductive like tugging and pulling on a rusty door. We can force ourselves to wash the kitchen floor, but we really cannot force ourselves to stop being resistant, to resisting that which on an unconscious or conscious level is perceived as being harmful, unpleasant, overbearing, offensive, painful, depriving, etc. On the other hand, doing nothing or having no alternative to dealing with our resistance is similarly unhelpful. So maybe one possible practical approach to the various forms of our resistance would be more along the lines of fostering the opposite of resistance. Maybe the opposites of resistance would eventually be the solvents and lubricants that dissolve and loosen in part our rusty resistance. For example, the opposite of resistance could include concepts like flexibility, pliablility, responsiveness, adaptability, resiliency, letting go, surrendering to reality, detachment, acceptance, effortlessness, etc. So perhaps by focusing for example on becoming more flexible and tolerant in general, that this type of exercise of stretching ourselves, flexing and broadening, might help us to deal with our resistance in general. Naturally there are other ways people deal with resistance. If we could force ourselves, we would have already have conquered our resistances long ago. Most of us are strong people. We are survivors walking on the road of being thrivers. We have strength, stick-to-itiveness, persistence, etc. Unfortunately, strength, perseverance and force are not the issues or the answers in reference to our unconscious or conscious resistances. Ironically, dealing with resistance seems to have more to do with the attraction or complementarity of opposites rather than the head-on confrontation of the illusive resistance. We resist but can we bend? Questions: What has been your experience of emotional resistance? Can you name some of your areas of resistance? How have you tried in the past to resolve your basic resistances? What has been helpful to you in the past concerning dealing with your resistances? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Selecting Helpful Topics and Accompanying Handout Materials for Rotation C ASCA Meetings? One of the duties of the Co-Secretaries is to decide upon an appropriate topic and corresponding material for the meeting when Rotation C, a topic oriented meeting, takes its turn. To aid in this task, we present a possible topic in the ASCA News every month like this month's topic, Resistance: The Rusty Hinges of Recovery. All past topics along with their accompanying narratives can be found on our web site. The Co-Secretaries and the meeting membership can chose the suggested topic of the month, select a topic from our extended list on our web page, or opt for another topic that may be more helpful for their particular meeting group. Some meetings have taken a few paragraphs from recovery oriented books or articles. Others have written some of their own material. There is one basic guideline that may be useful in following when selecting an alternative topic. Topics need to be inclusive for the entire meeting membership. For example, to select the topic of incest might leave out some members of the group, since not all ASCA participants have experienced incest. Or to choose the topic of suicide might again leave some members wanting since not all ASCA participants experience suicidal ideations or have attempted suicide. The guideline around inclusiveness means that the topic needs to be sufficiently broad to accommodate all meeting participants. A broad and general topic like this month's topic of resistance is capable of including everyone. Yet, as you have read in the above resistance narrative, the narrative can present a particular focus or perspective. Participants may or may not identify with the general written perspective of the topic, but they can always identify with the basic topic itself. So whether a person agrees, disagrees, likes, dislikes, applauds or yawns concerning the written material focusing on the topic, everyone in the least can identify and ascent to the topic and consequently address the topic in their shares. Sometimes a focused topic can be broadened sufficiently to include everyone. For example, there is a school of survivorship that would strongly argue that to forgive the abuser is an important aspect of recovery. Yet, there is equally another school of thought among survivors that would argue j ust as strongly that to forgive a perpetrator is impossible and that forgiveness is actually a form of denial. Irrespective of where you stand on this topic, forgiveness is a human experience and therefore is an issue that every survivor needs to come to grips with one way or another. So instead of stating and presenting the topic as e.g., The Need to Forgive Our Perpetrators, or Forgiveness Is a Sign of Health, or Forgiveness: The Last Stage of Recovery, simply stating the topic as Forgiveness: What Do We Do With It? or Forgiveness: What Does It Mean? or Forgiveness: What Are the Pros and Cons? could stimulate an in-dept sharing among the members. Every ASCA member has some type of lived experience with forgiving someone and being forgiven by someone. With a little j udicial thought most focused topics can be broadened to be inclusive and helpful. Topics are not debates. The idea behind the topic rotation is to provide an opportunity to review and discuss material that is important to recovery from childhood abuse, yet may not be covered in the 21-Steps or in general through our Survivor to Thriver manual. The manner in which Co-Secretaries decide to present Rotation C topics can often make a difference for the meeting membership. Some meetings routinely spend a few moments developing a list of potential topics for future meetings. Co-Secretaries might find this procedure helpful and supportive. A final note in reference to opting for an alternative topic is to raise some general questions. At the conclusion of all the topics that I write, I suggest some questions to ponder. The questions are always very general to permit maximum projection onto the topic and questions. If you have a suggestion for a topic, let me know. My contact information of email, telephone number and address is always listed on the last page of the ASCA News. Many topics presented in the ASCA News come through suggestions or requests made by ASCA members like this months topic on resistance. Poetry INSULT TO STRUCTURE Crying and crying Where am I now? What are all these creatures around me? Strange faces of animals staring at me Through wooden bars Shelf upon shelf going up to the sky I can't reach for any They're all up too high I'm wet and I'm hungry All they can do is stare I cannot form words All I can do is cry and cry Mommy, Daddy, where are you? Don't you care? In like a hurricane Blind muddy red rage She picks me up, yells, Shakes me hard like a rattle My head wobbles loose on top of my spine I clench my muscles the best that I can Now I can touch the faces around me Now I can rise to the uppermost shelf Up here it's safe, j ust the creatures and myself Down there I've stopped crying She's left Door's open But I can't get out I'm too afraid to move. Confused, what j ust happened? I don't feel wet, I don't feel hungry I don't feel anything I'm staying up here I don't have needs up here There's no anger up here I can be quiet up here They'll not know I'm here With all the creatures With all the blank stares With them I'll stay Of all the pain down there I'll do my best To stay unaware. Copyright 2001 James Daniel. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News. Currently, we forward a hardcopy of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. If there are changes in co-secretary assignments, please let me know. Also if co-secretaries have a change in address or telephone number, please send me these changes. Finally, if as a co-secretary you have e-mail, would you please e-mail me at georgebilotta@cs.com so I can verify and have your e-mail. You can also contact me at 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, 508.835.6054. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • March 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta With winter nearing its weary end we begin to look forward to the welcoming reprieve of spring and its budding promise of renewed life and vitality. Spring, as a hope-filled time of year, reminds us that though we have suffered in the past, especially during the winter chill of our childhood, that as adults we are very much in charge of planting and pruning our personal life gardens. Recovery, like a garden, requires not only removing and pulling out by the roots the decaying j unk from the past but perhaps more importantly planting and cultivating the hopes for our future. A well-tended life garden incorporates a balance of removing and resolving as well as planting and stimulating growth. What will you try to remove and resolve this spring? What will you plant and cultivate in your life this spring? On March 11th, THE MORRIS CENTER's Board of Directors will be gathering to continue its work on planning for the future. Organizations like people and gardens need to discard what is not helpful, and plan and plant for future possibilities. We should all be proud and thankful for our volunteer Board. They expend much time and energy in tending to our organization. To be on the Board is a work of dedication and caring. Without the Board's guiding influence we would not have for example the recent co-secretary training, the revised web site, telephone calls and emails answered daily, dreams for the future, etc. I want to thank the Board for the many hours of meetings, discussions and work. We are indeed in good and capable hands. The following brief article continues our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions as we slowly move into a new millennium. A Reflective Moment for March Listening: The Answers Surround Us by George Bilotta We like to have answers. Answers provide comfort, direction and reassurance. Since our lives constantly change in a wide variety of ways, we need continuously to seek answers to old and newly emerging aspects of our lives. We look for answers within ourselves. We consult with friends and with professionals. We research and read. We review the lives of others. How did they deal with similar situations? How did they uncover answers for themselves? Perhaps the most significant tool for unfolding answers to life's many daily questions, dilemmas and difficulties, and for us as survivors of childhood abuse focusing on our ongoing recovery and moving toward a quality of life full of meaning and fulfillment, is our capacity to listen. All the answers concerning our lives surround us. These answers may be within us. They may be outside of us. They may come from others. They may come from the whisperings of nature, etc. When we purposefully increase our capacity to listen, we listen in different ways and in turn, we may gather answers to our questions. We may hear things that we never heard before or we may hear them with their subtle overtones and undertones. We have ears, but we know that we often do not listen and that at times we do not even hear. There may be background noise in our lives. We may be preoccupied. We may pretend to listen because we do not want to hear or we think that we already know the answer(s). Our pride sometimes gets in our way. At other times our arrogance hinders our ability to listen. In part, to listen involves a desire to hear, to purposefully cup one's ear to hear more clearly. To listen is to move closer to the source. In moving closer, in trying to increase our capacity to listen, there is a belief that one can learn; that there is something to gain from the source that is speaking directly or indirectly to us. We welcome, open ourselves and draw closely for maximum receptivity and listening. We quiet ourselves. We are all ears. We assume a stance of attentiveness, gentleness and humility. We have consciously decided to listen, instead of j ust pretending to hear. How do we cultivate ears to hear and to listen? What blocks us from listening? What aids us in increasing our capacity to listen? One way to cultivate ears to hear for receptive listening is first to decide that I want to increase my capacity to listen, that I want to try to make listening a priority. Within this simple framework I can ask myself and in turn remind myself several times a day, how am I trying to listen? How am I going about cultivating my skill to listen today? I might try developing simple and easy exercises like taking a moment to listen to my heart beating, to my lungs breathing. I might add trying to listen to the various parts of my body. What are they saying to me? I might try j ust sitting and listening patiently to every different sound that comes my way. I might try to differentiate the various sounds and nuances. I might select a few people everyday with the intention of trying to listen instead of j ust hearing these people. Listening to different people with their various personalities and ways of expressing themselves will increase my range of listening by raising my tolerance and appreciation for the different ways people try to express themselves. During an ASCA meeting, I might try listening to a person's share not as it effects me but rather how the share is effecting the sharer. As I try to cultivate ears to hear for listening, it might be helpful to ask myself - what blocks me from listening? Obviously each of us uses selective hearing at times. What is my leaning and predisposition toward selective listening? What seems to be the major obstacles that I face in trying to listen? When I can acknowledge my blocks and obstacles to hearing, to listening, then I can creatively try to minimize and decrease their effects. However, if I never uncover my blocks and obstacles they will continue to plague and limit my ability to increase my capacity to hear, to listen. In many ways I will become deaf to the whispers that surround my life that often provide answers, directions and comfort. Finally, it might also be helpful to understand what actually aids me in increasing my capacity to hear, to listen. What are the optimum conditions that permit me to listen? By understanding what helps me to listen, which might be somewhat different than what helps another person to listen, I can plan and practice increasing these optimum conditions for listening. For example, I might discover that I listen best when I am unhurried, when I have given myself over to the task of listening rather than trying to do something else or be someplace else. I might surprise myself with learning that I can increase my listening j ust by clarifying to myself that I am now going to listen to … This focusing is like purposefully cupping my ear to hear, to listen. Listening is an activity of intention. It is not a passive activity like hearing. If we want to uncover the answers to our lives increasing our capacity to listen will greatly aid us in opening ourselves up to the answers that surround us. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for March Trust: Only If They Cherish Life is miserable without trust, without relying upon others. Many survivors of childhood abuse often comment that they are reluctant to trust others. For many survivors who have been hurt and harmed by people in positions of trust when they were children, trusting others as adults is often difficult, scary and anxiety provoking. From one perspective, the problem is not so much that we lack the ability to trust. Rather the problem seems to be that we want to trust certain people that are unworthy of our trust, that are untrustworthy, that are incapable of cherishing our trust. Anyone who purposefully (or consistently but unintentionally) hurts, wounds, harms, abuses, wrongs, assaults, betrays, neglects, inj ures, etc., us, is unworthy of our trust. It would be a mistake to place our trust in them. They simply are incapable of handling our trust. It is a simple fact. Though we might want to trust them, though we might want to give them another chance, their behavior clearly demonstrates that they are incapable of cherishing our trust. Trust is a type of investment in others. Being wise, prudent and using some common sense is helpful. Assessing in a practical way whether a person is capable, worthy and can cherish our trust is a prudent thing to do. If they cannot honor our trust and even though we may want to trust them, we should not trust them. When a big Mack truck is barreling down the street and even though there is a red light for the truck to stop, it might be prudent to wait and see if the truck stops before walking across the street. Likewise with trust, we do not need to invest substantial trust in someone until we know and are assured that they will respect and hold dearly our trust. Trust is not an all or nothing entity. We can test the waters by giving a person a little trust. If they handle and cherish our trust then we can invest a little more trust in them. If they do not respect our little bit of trust, then we can withdraw the trust with minimal effect on us. We often come across the saying that people should earn our trust. That is we should be able to ascertain that they can handle some measure of our trust before increasing our level of trust with them. Incremental trust can be a helpful way of taking reasonable and prudent risks. Trust is important in our lives. We need not fear trust, we need j ust to be wise and prudent with whom we invest our trust. Not everyone is capable of cherishing our trust. Questions: What has your experience of trusting others been like? How do you place trust in others who are unworthy of your trust? How can you increase your wisdom and prudence about assessing the trustworthiness of others? What are some typical signs that point to the untrustworthiness of others? What are some typical signs that suggest that a person is capable of receiving more of your trust? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Relevancy of Ongoing Education During Regular ASCA Meetings Within the Co-Secretaries ASCA Meeting Format manual which contains the script, directions, suggestions and materials to operate ASCA meetings, there is the suggestion that following the announcements that the meeting spend a few moments on what we call Ongoing Education. Some meetings conduct Ongoing Education at almost every meeting. Other meetings tend not to include this aspect in their meetings. We encourage spending a few moments at every meeting on Ongoing Education for a variety of reasons. First, a well-educated ASCA meeting membership ensures healthy meetings, increases safety and adds to an atmosphere of support and respect. Second, new participants join a group periodically and they need to be educated about the various dynamics of an ASCA meeting along with the rationale behind why ASCA meetings are organized and run in specific ways. Participants tend to violate our guidelines and the spirit of the ASCA philosophy less when they have a thorough understanding of ASCA ways and procedures. Third, during Ongoing Education moments Co-Secretaries have the opportunity to clarify and to be pre-emptive about an unhealthy or troubling dynamic that they may see emerging within a meeting. For example, a newcomer may be bordering on violating the cross-talk guideline. The Co-Secretaries might use the Ongoing Education moment to discuss what cross-talk is all about. Fourth, established meetings might tend to become a little sloppy in observing certain guidelines. This may result in inviting confusion and trouble. Finally, continually reviewing various aspects of the ASCA meeting can be reassuring to the participants. When Co-Secretaries are perceived as being helpful, on top of things and thoughtful about what is going on in a meeting, members, especially the new members of a group, tend to feel reassured, secure and safe. The bottom-line is that it can be most helpful to an ASCA meeting to use a few minutes at every meeting to discuss various aspects of the ASCA meeting. Poetry BEATING MY BONES OUT IN THE OPEN When I was born, I inhaled the beat The sound of bongos on the ethers I was teething on "On The Road" I grew up with rhythm embodied in me Wanting to bust out but thwarted severely I had to hold back, pretend not to see Pretend not to be me, holding the sacred within me dearly I pretended forever, forgot who I was. Stopped listening, stopped feeling, took orders really well But the beat kept beating, building up pressure Against expectations, projections of others Until the day I couldn't hold back The rope got too taut, there was no more slack Chaos erupted and spat in my eye Rocket explosions littered the sky I lost all sense of sanity, spoke nothing but profanity. I wrote and wrote and tore up pages The beat was spurting, I was hurting Until I resolved to live the pain Beating my bones out in the open No more running for cover of shade No more honoring of outdated contracts That shouldn't ever've been made It's a bucking bronco now I'm riding. I'm out of the gate, there'll be no more hiding Past the point of diminishing returns Are tenfold gains where no pain remains Learning to love life is nothing more Then forgetting to hate life so much So lick your wounds and come out fighting Listen up, the beat's all around you Stand fast and breathe, the beat has found you. Copyright 2000, 2001 James Daniel. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News. Currently, we forward a hardcopy of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. If there are changes in co-secretary assignments, please let me know. Also if co-secretaries have a change in address or telephone number, please send me these changes. Finally, if as a co-secretary you have e-mail, would you please e-mail me at georgebilotta@cs.com so I can verify and have your e-mail. You can also contact me at 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, 508.835.6054. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • February 2001 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilott I am thrilled to announce that we have an updated and newly formatted web site at www.ascasupport.org. This exceptional web site results from the many, many hours of loving dedication and technical skills of Ramona Mastin and Bob Roberts. Bob is one of our Board of Directors. As a Board member his primary responsibility is to maintain and supervise our web site. Ramona is a volunteer with exceptional skills and artistic taste. We continue to be a successful organization and increase our ability to reach out to other survivors of childhood abuse become of volunteers like Ramona. Not only is the new web site a work of art but it is most user friendly. I encourage you to checkout the new site. We are all grateful to Ramona and Bob for their work and for bringing our web site into the twenty-first century. Thank you! A successful Co-Secretary training was conducted on Sunday, January 7, 2001, in San Francisco. Nine ASCA members participated along with 3 trainers under the direction of Board member David Vandevert, MFT. I want to thank David and his team for their time, energy and skill. I also want to thank those who participated in the training. ASCA meetings simply cannot exist without qualified and competent Co-Secretaries. Thanks for coming onboard. On a sad note, it is with regret that I have been informed by The Healing Woman Foundation that they have painfully decided to shutdown their organization. They could not raise sufficient funds and subscriptions to make their organization viable. The Healing Woman newsletter has been a powerful recovery tool for many people over the past 10 years. The organization and the newsletter will be missed. So many survivor organizations have closed over the past 5 years. It is such a quandary why this continues to happen since the need is so great. The following brief article continues our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions as we slowly move into a new millennium. A Reflective Moment for February Respect: Recovery's Soothing Salve by George Bilotta Eroding a person's sense of respect for self, others and things of the world remains one of the insidious and complicating aspects of child abuse. With every incident of abuse our concept of respect was distorted, our feeling for respect was emptied. Our abuser(s) did not respect us. We felt conflicted about respecting them, since most of the time we were familiar with our abuser(s). They were our fathers, mothers, guardians, siblings, relatives, friends, teachers, religious pastors, etc. On one hand, we were told and we felt in someway that we needed to respect these people, yet on the other hand, we did not feel respected by them. Respect is a feeling or a state of appreciation, deferential regard and esteem. In a sense respect is a fundamental way through which we look at the world - at ourselves, others, things and events of our daily lives. Do we view others and ourselves in an appreciative light, with courteous and goodwill regard, and with valued and prized esteem? When we have diminished respect it is like interacting and viewing the world through eyeglasses fitted with the wrong prescription lenses. Everything is distorted. Reality becomes blurred. Our interpretation of what is happening around us and within us lacks clarity and truth. Increasing our capacity to be respectful toward the world and ourselves is a lifelong daily process. My experiences suggests that building a respectful approach to life has more to do with cultivating a heart full of appreciation, courteous and goodwill regard and with valued and prized esteem. Respect is a representation of the way we try to live our daily lives. If we try to promote appreciation, goodwill and hold in esteem the value inherent in ourselves, others and things of the world, then our lenses through which we view the world will sharpen. We will experience true focus. This trying is what being respectful, having respect, and demonstrating respect is all about. In a lighthearted way, the comedian, Rodney Dangerfield, often states that "I get no respect." We might say that we do not give, receive, nor earn respect. Rather, respect comes about by trying to live appreciatively, trying to extend goodwill, and trying to prize the inherent value found within all of life. When we try to live our daily lives in this manner, respect is present and thrives in our lives. This respect reduces the insidious and complicating effect of our childhood abuse. Trying to live a respectful life today has little to do with our past childhood abuse. It has everything to do with the way we specifically, intentionally and purposefully try to live life today. Respect is one of the cornerstones on which a healthy, fulfilling and meaningful life is built. Trying to live respectfully is recovery's soothing salve. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for February Shame: The Clinging Residue of Abuse Shame adheres to most of us. No matter how much resolution we seem to achieve in our recovery from childhood abuse, shame seems to cling to us j ust like gluey sap from a pine tree. Pine sap like our shame sticks to our fingers, to our spirit, even after repeated washing, even after intensive recovery work. There is less sap but we can still feel its leftover stickiness on our fingertips. There is less shame but we sense that it lurks right around the corner ready to gum up and disrupt our lives. Healthy shame occurs when we do something wrong, like betraying a friend, behaving cowardly, promoting harm, etc. Remorse accompanies healthy shame. We acknowledge that we have done wrong. We feel guilty and try to make amends to rectify the wrong and to reconnect with the person(s) offended. On the other hand, unhealthy shame occurs when we have not done anything wrong, yet we blame ourselves. We are totally innocent, yet we perceive in a distorted and false manner that we are co-conspirators. We assume some of the responsibility from the person(s) who did the wrong. Unhealthy shame tampers with the truth and blurs reality. When we experience shame from our past child abuse experiences, it seems to arise in part from a sense of guilt, humiliation and/or embarrassment. First, shame, as a painful emotion, intensifies when we feel guilty, that we in some way caused the abuse to happen. When we take responsibility for the abuse, even a little bit of the responsibility, rather than holding our abuser(s) responsible, we feel guilty. The guilt intensifies our shame. Part of shame's remedy calls us to hold our abuser(s) firmly responsible for their vile behaviors. In addition, we need to renounce repeatedly that we were responsible in anyway whatsoever for the abuse. When we hold our abuser(s) totally and wholeheartedly responsible, it is like using paint thinner to cut through the sap of shame. Second, shame also infects us since the physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse we experienced as children humiliated us. Through repeated abusive behaviors we were reduced from the status of a unique human being to a common ordinary thing. This ongoing experience of humiliation oozed with shame and dripping with dishonor, disgrace and degradation. A child or teenager is not capable of coping with such humiliation and humiliation's discrediting ways. To cope, many abuse victims assumed the rank of the insignificant, unworthy, inadequate, unimportant nobody. The restorative for humiliation seems to rest in trying to live a respectful life. When we appreciate, extend goodwill and value to others and ourselves, then we reverse the downward spiral of humiliation. We restore our sense of respect, value and esteem. A third aspect of shame that can be even more difficult and insidious is the shame brought on through embarrassment. Many of us feel embarrassed that we come from dysfunctional and/or abusive families. We feel embarrassed that our fathers, mothers, siblings, relatives, close family associates used our innocence, trust and goodwill for their twisted pleasure, for the target of their displaced rage, for their emotional underdevelopment. We feel embarrassed that we have been or continue to be in some manner associated with these people. Through no fault of our own we may have ended up with abusive parent(s), hurtful siblings, evil relatives, despicable people who referred to themselves as friends of the family. We feel embarrassed by this association which increases our shame. We are probably embarrassed because we care about, we are invested in some manner, and we are concerned about how other people think about us and about the family from which we come. We want too much for people to think well of us. We are often afraid and concerned that if they knew our background that they would think ill of us, that they would not like us, nor want to socialize with us. Because I might care more about what others think rather than what I think, I unfortunately distort my pride. When we build our lives on the foundation of false pride, we will often contort our thoughts, feelings and behaviors to fit the mold that someone else designed. In many ways the relief and solution from this type of embarrassment-based-shame is detachment from our pride. (The concept of pride and detachment will be a future discussion.) Questions: 1. How would you describe your experience of shame? How do you experience unhealthy shame? 2. Do you experience unhealthy shame by taking responsibility for the abuse you experienced as a child or teen? 3. What is your experience of shame through humiliation? 4. What is your experience of shame through embarrassment? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Preparing for an ASCA Meeting There are many different thoughts concerning whether to or how to prepare to participate in an ASCA meeting. One thought goes that one should j ust be spontaneous in the meeting. Sometimes another person's share will spark something within us. Often we find it helpful for our recovery to share this spark during the meeting. Another thought notes that it can be overwhelming at times to dwell on the past, especially during the initial phase of recovery from childhood abuse. This stance points to the wisdom that a safe and supportive time and place to let memories and feelings surface would be during an ASCA meeting. Just being present and listening to other shares can be an emotionally healing massage. For participants who feel comfortable and have the time and energy, thinking about what one wants to share might assist in reaping more from the meeting. There are many benefits to reflecting on material that one might want to share in a meeting. One benefit is that it can keep us in touch with our feelings. Another benefit is that it permits us to review and recall the past in a safe and focused manner. When we dwell with what we want to talk about at the next ASCA meeting all kinds of thoughts, memories and feelings seem to connect with each other. We seem to gain some insight and a little emotional resolution by ruminating with material for a possible share. When the next ASCA meeting is Rotation B: Step, or Rotation C: Topic, the Step or Topic can assist in focusing our reflections. Some members find it helpful to read over the Step or Topic everyday or every other day j ust to keep it fresh and focused in their consciousness. This repeated refocusing often unearths a recovery treasure of thoughts and feelings adding one more piece toward resolution and healing. There might be some benefits to members exchanging different ways that they use to prepare for an ASCA meeting. The meeting might spend a little time discussing various strategies for preparing for an ASCA meeting. Often our strategies depend upon our time and energy levels. There is no single answer for preparing. Preparation in part depends upon where we are in our recovery. Poetry REMEDY FOR DEPRESSION by James Daniel, Copyright 1999 I have no childhood For which I need to sacrifice. I have no emotion left That hasn't broken through the ice No more empty screams inside No more want to run and hide Now no longer in the vice No more cutting up my heart and asking who would like a slice No more past tagging along, No more wondering where I belong. Can this be I'm finally free? Can this here be the "finally me"? Where's the anger, where's the fear? Where's the dread no longer near? All I suffered, all that pained Long lost innocence now regained? How'd this happen, how'd this change? How'd I get to rearrange? When'd the war end, battle won? When'd I start to have some fun? One roll of the dice may not suffice Pick 'em up and roll 'em twice If that won't work, then roll 'em thrice Remember all the hurt you feel May fade fast in the final reel. Don't give up, don't j ust quit Throw a tantrum, have a fit No more Miss or Mr. Nice. Ask for help to pay the price You can buy back self-esteem. Sell off all the blame and shame Persevere until the end That's the way you win the game! Love yourself, live your life And by the way will fall the strife. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News. Currently, we forward a hardcopy of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. If there are changes in co-secretary assignments, please let me know. Also if co-secretaries have a change in address or telephone number, please send me these changes. Finally, if as a co-secretary you have e-mail, would you please e-mail me at georgebilotta@cs.com so I can verify and have your e-mail. You can also contact me at 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, 508.835.6054. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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January, 2001 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • January 2001 P.O. Box 14477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta Happy New Year! For me, the Happy New Year greeting is a communal commentary and exercise to say goodbye (and maybe good riddance) to the old, along with hello and welcome to the new. It is a cheerful reminder of the inevitable and constant ebb and flow of life. Happy New Year gently tweaks us to let go and to face with courage the unknown that another year will bring. I hope the New Year will usher in peace and joy, meaning and fulfillment, resolution and growth for you. Throughout this new year, I hope that we will be able to open our hearts a little more, extend more generously good will to all, increase our patience with ourselves and others, acknowledge a bit more that we are wonderful people who try their best every day. Recently, I received an e-mail from South Africa congratulating us on our fabulous web site. Rana, one of the managers at Women Against Child Abuse in Ranburg, Gauteng, South Africa, informed me that her agency will be starting an ASCA meeting in January 2001. She was able to download all the materials from our web site to plan and invite others to join. This is a wonderful way for ASCA to begin the New Year. Welcome! The following brief article continues our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions as we slowly move into a new millennium. A Reflective Moment for January What Kind of a Person? What Kind of a Life? by George Bilotta January often invites us to examine and perhaps to reconsider some of the fundamental aspects of our lives. Who am I as a human being? In what manner do I go about living my daily life? What is important to me? What are my priorities? What are my thoughts and behaviors that enhance and/or constrict my life? Is there something specific about my life or person that I would like to begin to change? Many survivors of childhood abuse find it difficult, unusual, conflicting and/or uncomfortable to lift the lid off of these fundamental questions. I consider these questions along with many other questions as formative, i.e., inquiring into and coming up with some basic practical answers. These and similar type questions help to form who we are as human beings and influence in what manner we proceed through our lives. I also think that regularly delving into these fundamental type questions is part of recovery, i.e., rediscovering who we are, who we want to be and what we want to be all about. These kinds of questions give a present and future orientation to our lives offering hope and perspective. They balances the in- depth work that we need to do - recalling our past, the incidences of past abuse and dealing with the emotional stuff that comes up for us when we delve into the past. When asking the question - who am I as a human being, I am referring to the essential qualities that define our humanness and our experiences as a human being. For example, I define essential qualities as those characteristics, virtues or dispositions that thrive deeply within the essence, the heart of who we are. For example, I try to be a compassionate person, a kind person, a thoughtful, reflective person, a gentle and welcoming person, a wondering person, a considerate person, etc. For me, these qualities or dispositions are important to me for my daily life. They increase my ability to be a human being. Whereas their opposites, e.g., insensitivity, mean-spiritedness, harshness, aggressiveness, rigidity, etc., decrease and constrict my ability to be the kind of human being that I envision for myself. These qualities are what I strive to be, the way I try to be as a human being during the course of ordinary everyday activities. In trying to live in a specific way, e.g., compassionately, reflectively, receptively, etc., this trying forms me. It forms me as a person. It forms me in the ways that I interact with the various people, events and things that I encounter daily. While striving and trying to live life in specific ways I gather a concrete sense of who I am as a person. I am aware of who I am and who I am not. It is comforting, reassuring and grounding to have a sense of who we are. In many ways, pondering and responding to the questions of who we are and in what manner we go about living daily life forms the foundation of self-esteem. Self- esteem is not based on feelings. Rather self-esteem roots deeply within who we are and how we try to live daily life. What is important to me? What are my priorities? Again, these are basic formative questions. They are formative since their answers provide orientation and direction for life's daily journey. If I do not seriously think about what is important to me and what are my priorities then I would probably use someone else's answers. Someone else's answers however might not be congenial for me; they may even be antagonistic and unhelpful for my life, leading me astray, alienating me from my true self. I do believe that part of the foundation of our recovery from childhood abuse is asking and thinking constantly about fundamental and formative questions that influence who we are and how we live our daily lives. Imagine the depth that we could develop over the year 2001 if we dedicated time during every month dwelling on these and other important questions. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for January Maladaptive Patterns and Destructive Behaviors While working through our recovery, we often see in books, hear in ASCA shares and possibly experience in our own lives concerns around maladaptive patterns and destructive behaviors. Maladaptive patterns are embedded systematic thoughts and/or behaviors that are unhelpful and unproductive for our everyday lives. For example, thoughts involving self-criticism and putdowns are common maladaptive thought patterns. Behaviors such as confusing sex for love, drinking or using drugs to escape emotional pain, eating to soothe our emotional discomfort or emptiness, are also common examples of maladaptive behavior patterns. Destructive behaviors include cutting, hitting, addictions, behaviors that are mean, antagonistic and/or abusive toward self or others. Destructive behaviors tend to damage bridges resulting in an isolating effect. When we harm ourselves, not only do we cut ourselves off from other people, but we also disengage and separate the body, mind and spirit from its congenial integration. When we are in a destructive behavioral mode our eyes are blinded, our ears are closed and our heart hardens and turns cold. Maladaptive patterns and destructive behaviors are unsuccessful ways of coping with life. We may have learned them through negative modeling while growing up. If we come from a highly dysfunctional family and/or abusive family background, we probably never had the opportunity to learn positive and nurturing thought and behavioral patterns and behaviors. In a crude adaptive manner, we often reenact and duplicate the maladaptive patterns and destructive behaviors we learned while growing up and/or adapted to cope with a painful life. One way to go about changing a maladaptive pattern or destructive behavior is to first single out the pattern or behavior. Then figure out its opposite or antidote. Third, through thoughts and/or behaviors engage and practice the antidote. For example, if I am in the pattern of criticizing myself then I might practice acknowledging the parts of myself that I like, that are successful and that are whole or moving toward wholeness. For example, if physically abusing myself is part of my destructive behavior, then I might engage in the antidote of taking leisurely baths to soothe my body. I might apply sensual and fragrant lotions to my body to moisturize and vitalize my skin. I might treat myself to a manicure, pedicure, massage and/or hairstyling on a regular basis. We cannot do two things as once. We cannot nurture the body, mind and spirit; while at the same moment hurt and harm the body, mind and spirit. The more we try to nurture, the less opportunity there is to use maladaptive and destructive behaviors in our every day life. Sometimes, maybe even often, we do not feel like doing x. Just like sometimes we do not feel like going to work, or when we were students to study. Sometimes we j ust have to do it. Sometimes we j ust have to go through the motions of taking a relaxing bath, of applying soothing lotions to our skin. It might take 100 baths before the body begins to enjoy and soak-in the experience of nurturing baths. Part of reducing maladaptive patterns and destructive behaviors simply involves trying. Trying provides us with hope, encouragement and eventually the insightful experience that we can change. Questions: 1. What are some of your maladaptive patterns and/or destructive behaviors? 2. What do you understand to be their opposites or their antidotes? 3. What have been successful strategies to changing your patterns and behaviors? 4. What do you think might be some of the obstacles to trying? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Conflicts Within A Meeting In many ways an ASCA meeting is a microcosm of our daily lives, i.e., the manner by which we interact with people, events and things we encounter during the course of our day. Conflicts within an ASCA meeting can arise in a variety of ways. Common meeting conflicts revolve around miscommunication and personality clashes. Communication difficulties might include cross-talk, an unkind or insensitive remark before or after the meeting, an clumsy or awkward intervention by a co-secretary. We may feel misunderstood, angry, anxious, uncomfortable, etc. When such situations arise, they provide us with opportunities to practice constructive assertiveness, improved communication skills and a desire to reconnect with the other. In the past when we have felt misunderstood, angry, anxious, etc., we might have withdrawn, blamed ourselves or responded aggressively and harshly. Part of what an ASCA meeting is all about is practicing, practicing new and better ways of interacting with others. We can practice being constructive rather than destructive, tolerant rather than impatient, empathetic rather than distant. In a sense practicing is part of reconfiguring old maladaptive thoughts and behaviors in positive, constructive and connecting ways. The meeting might decide to discuss how to practice ways of dealing with conflict inside and outside of a meeting. What do we do when there is miscommunication or misunderstanding in a meeting? What do we do when we have a personality clash with another ASCA member? Discussing these matters prior to an actual conflict might provide some practice dealing with difficult situations. Practice does not make us perfect, but it sure helps smooth off the rough edges of life. Poetry THE MAN WITH THE ODD-NUMBERED CHAKRAS by James Daniel, Copyright 1999 Nate's in his forties, but's still kinda cute. He walks around tall in a blue tailored suit. Pin stripes accentuate angles and lines. All that he touches is all he designs. Passing through freely, a cloud in the air; Public life's easy, domestic's a bear. Living alone since the age of nineteen In an efficiency he can't keep clean. Glad that there's some place he needn't perform. There's no place inside of him dry, safe and warm. Seeing his life through perceptions of others, Nate's only love is for fantasy lovers. He knows how to do, but not how to be. He knows naught of even, he's all oddity. More form than function, he'd like to change roles. But he's much too polarized now to set goals. The best he can do then, is j ust play his part And fall asleep clutching his pills to his heart. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News. Currently, we forward a hardcopy of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. If there are changes in co-secretary assignments, please let me know. Also if co-secretaries have a change in address or telephone number, please send me these changes. Finally, if as a co-secretary you have e-mail, would you please e-mail me at georgebilotta@cs.com so I can verify and have your e-mail. You can also contact me at 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, 508.835.6054. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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December, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • December 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the President of the Board Jessy Keiser It's December already! There's a chill in the air and frost at night. It's hard to believe! The Thanksgiving turkey is barely carved, yet shopping messages on television and radio airwaves proclaim that Christmas is j ust around the corner. Wasn't it j ust yesterday that we were celebrating the New Year and a new millennium? This year, as 2000 draws to a close, the new Board of Directors decided it was important to take some time out and review where ASCA has been - and where we want to go in the future. On Sunday morning, November 19th, we all met at a Board member's home in Woodacre, California. We spent the day using Peter Drucker's Organization Self- Assessment Tools and reviewing the first four of his Five Questions: What is our mission? Who are our customers? What do our customers value? What are our results? In order to answer some of those questions, we listened to reports from fellow members on the Board. George Bilotta gave us a report on the grant research that he conducted this year. Amaroq de Quebrazas reported on what some providers and agencies had to say about ASCA during her community outreach. We also examined some of the data from the surveys our members submitted, along with past research collected through our Search Conference in 1995 and our Membership Maintenance committee in 1996. We started the day off by stating some desired outcomes for our Board Retreat. We wanted to have more clarity on what our mission should be, and to build greater understanding amongst ourselves. By the time 4:30 rolled around, I believe we had achieved those outcomes. We were all tired but had also learned a lot from each other! The Board's plan is to continuously scan our external environment and internal membership so that we know what our community truly needs. We realize that the only way any organization (especially a non-profit) can survive - let alone grow and thrive - is to make sure that we deliver what our members need and what our mission statement promises. We are also aware of the fact that we cannot deliver our mission without the support and volunteerism of members. Members like you and me! The Board's next meeting will be in February. At that time, we will discuss the fifth and final question in Drucker's Self-Assessment Tools: What is our plan for the next three years? I will report the results of that meeting in the March issue of the Newsletter. By the way, we are still waiting on the return of surveys from some of the provider- based meetings. A full report on the ASCA Membership Survey results will be published in the newsletter as soon as we receive them. Meanwhile, if you haven't turned in your survey yet, please do so as soon as possible. If you did not receive a survey from your meeting co-secretary, and would like to participate in this important process, you can download a copy from our website at http://www.ascasupport.org/survey2000-10-11.htm For now, I'll close this article with one of my favorite quotations. It is taken from the work of Gandhi. He said, "Be the change you want to see in the world". As a survivor and grateful ASCA thriver, those words have become the 22nd step for me. Happy Holidays! Peace in 2001.... The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment for December Patience: Acknowledging and Accepting Reality by George Bilotta Living in a fast paced society, the virtue, goodness and advantage of fostering patience in our daily lives receives little notice and discussion. Advertisements bombard us with manic type messages to move quickly, to gather as much as possible, to soak up the gratification that our contemporary culture offers on a routine basis. Consequently, we have Olympians who use steroids. Banks offer credit cards to college students who often have little or no ability to pay off their debt. Many people expect to be in solid relationships without first changing their dysfunctional ways. While extracting information from the Internet, many will become impatient with having to wait 5 or 10 seconds for information to appear on their screen. I think that it would be safe to say that our society at-large lacks the stamina of patience. We often have difficulty quietly being in the moment. While standing in a line waiting for our turn with a checkout clerk, many people grow impatient. They experience the situation as a waste of time. Because they lack the stamina of patience they do not know how to transform a few waiting moments into an exercise of personal growth, into a pause that refreshes. Often we become agitated when something does not go our way, when a person does not do something the way we want, when the world in general does not seem to flash green lights all day long for us. What is patience or what are some of patience's constituent parts? In general a dictionary would suggest that patience is the ability to endure pain, difficulty or annoyance within a manner of calmness. Many people might retort - who wants to endure pain, or undergo difficulty, or bear with annoyance? In addition, we are asked to endure with calmness? For some people it sounds almost masochistic. For others, they picture themselves as children listening to a parent who reprimands them, reminding them to be patient, to hold their horses. However, the reality of our daily lives suggests that life is constantly intersecting with difficulties, annoyances, disruptions, obstacles, complications, problems, controversies, pain, worries and troubles. It is impossible to escape from this usual stuff of life. In part, this is what life is all about. Fostering the stamina of patience offers a sense of calmness within our daily difficulties, worries, problems, etc. The alternative is to be constantly knocked off balance, off course, or to react in a manner that results in more difficulty, in worsening an already difficult or problematic situation. So in daily life we can choose to calmly accept reality, and appropriately and creatively respond to a difficult or problematic situation, or we can fight reality and constantly be knocked off balance. For me patience and fostering a calming endurance has more to do with acknowledging and accepting reality. It has to do with not fighting or resisting our present or past realities, whatever they may be. Again, while standing in line if I acknowledge and accept that this is my present reality, i.e., waiting my turn to checkout, then I can provide myself with options as to how I want to be a person who is waiting in line. If I choose to deny or resent my reality of waiting in line, then my heart becomes agitated, bored, impatient, numbed, dissociated, etc. Cultivating patience gives way to calmness. Deliberately and purposefully fostering patience unfolds a specific way of living that enables us to maneuver calmly and reflectively through life's daily storms and disturbances. If we choose not to foster the virtue of patience, then we might find that we have lost our rudder and our way. We may discover that the daily grind of life is burdensome and without joy. In a sense, the stamina of patience unfolds the serenity of hope. Without hope, we live in despair, without direction and void of meaning. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for December The Holidays: A Stress-Filled Time of the Year What do the holidays evoke for you? Some people feel weighted down with painful and disturbing memories. Other survivors feel conflicted with thoughts about good times during the holiday, but also recall some horrendous recollections of abuse, chaos, fighting, etc. Many people long for the mythical and elusive Norman Rockwell picture of playing out the holidays that the news media dangles constantly in front of us like a thousand blinking lights strung around a tree alluring and mesmerizing us. One thing that seems universal about the holiday season is the acknowledgement and growing acceptance that the holidays are full of stress. Stress derives from a wide variety of circumstances and reasons. If we travel, there is the stress of being away from the comfort and reassuring surroundings of our home. If friends or family visit, there is the stress of responsibility of providing and taking care of many details. For many there is the stress of purchasing presents, participating in parties and gatherings, being swept up in the holiday mentality. Not feeling in control is another form of stress during the holidays. Feeling resentful and conflicted that we should be up and cheery when in reality we are down and sad is another kind of stress for some. Like any other difficult situation, thinking through and developing a plan to handle the inevitable stress that comes along with the holiday season might provide us with the best possible way of dealing with the holidays. Questions: 1. What has been your experience of the holiday season? 2. What are the sources of stress for you during the coming holidays? 3. How might you proactively reduce the stress on yourself during the holiday season? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Using the Survivor to Thriver Manual The Morris Center's Survivor to Thriver manual was created as an accompaniment to the recovery process for adult survivors of physical, sexual and/or emotional child abuse or neglect. We should always remember however, that our manual and ASCA is only one of many different and powerful ways that we survivors use to heal our emotional wounds and to move-on with our lives. The Survivor to Thriver manual offers an organized way and plan to proceed. It is a discriminating aid to help us clarify our story of abuse and recovery. Providing exercises that gently challenge us to work through some of our unresolved stuff, the manual is full of practical ways of looking at our past abuse experiences and how we proceed with our recovery. Often the material will stimulate our recall and jog our memory. In working through much of the material we may notice a piggyback effect whereby one memory leads to another, to another, or to an elaboration and clarification of past situations. In many ways the Survivor to Thriver manual challenges us to rethink, clarify and acknowledge not only the past but also our present and future. Finally, many people who regularly attend ASCA meetings find that their shares become more insightful and fruitful when they work through some material in the manual during the week. The Survivor to Thriver manual is available free for your use by downloading the manual from our web site: www.ascasupport.org. It can also be purchased. If you want to order the Survivor to Thriver manual simply forward a check for $23 payable to THE MORRIS CENTER and forward to: THE MORRIS CENTER, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. From the Desk of George Bilotta With the fall season quickly giving way to winter's hibernation accompanied by the end of the year holidays, I want to use this occasion to thank everyone who has contributed in anyway whatsoever to making The Morris Center and ASCA vibrant, helpful and a healing avenue for many survivors. So many people in a wide variety of ways dedicate time, energy and a spirit of good will to making us a successful endeavor. Looking back over the past year, there is much for which to be thankful. The Board of Directors continues with diligence and skill to bring us into the 21st century. Various co-secretaries from the community based and the provider based ASCA meetings ensure that meetings are safe and consistent. Without the work and management of the co-secretaries ASCA meetings simply could not exist. There are others who do a variety of odds and ends. They are like the glue that keeps everything together whether they contribute financially, gather the mail, make telephone calls, etc. Finally, I want to express appreciation to Norma Morris. Norma continues to provide the major portion of the financial resources that permits The Morris Center and ASCA to continue its mission. There is no person in the United States who has given more generously and wholeheartedly than Norma Morris. Over the past 9 years through her backing we have been able to promote effective and cost sensitive alternatives for healing for adult survivors of childhood abuse. We thank you, Norma, for your generosity, compassion and commitment to an unpopular cause. Happy Holidays and best wishes for the coming New Year! Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News. Currently, we forward a hardcopy of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. If there are changes in co-secretary assignments, please let me know. Also if co-secretaries have a change in address or telephone number, please send me these changes. Finally, if as a co-secretary you have e-mail, would you please e-mail me at georgebilotta@cs.com so I can verify and have your e-mail. You can also contact me at 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, 508.835.6054. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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November, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • November 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 phone: 415.928.4576 e-mail: tmc_asca@dnai.com • web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta Many people have e-mailed me condolences, encouragement and stories of similar experiences concerning my accident in early September. I want to thank everyone for your kind and supportive words. I continue on the mend without any medical complications. Mother Nature takes her own time in these matters. There are limits to what one can do to heal and to mend a leg, arm and wrist. My leg brace was removed the beginning of October. I actively pursue physical therapy along with my home exercises. A couple weeks ago I transitioned from needing two crutches to using only one crutch. Just the other day I moved from using a crutch to a cane. If all continues well, by the time you read the December issue of the ASCA News I should be as good as new. If you have participated in the recent ASCA Survey I want to thank you for your thoughts and feedback. I plan to incorporate some of the results from the survey into the December ASCA News. The Board of Directors for THE MORRIS CENTER will be gathering on Sunday, November 19, 2000 for a day of reflection and assessment. We will be reviewing how we function as an organization and how we can do more with greater efficiency and outreach. The survey results will be a helpful aid in our discussions. Our Board assumed their responsibilities this past May. They bring a wide range of talent, energy and experience. As giving people who care deeply, they desire to improve all aspects of our organization. I want to take this opportunity to publicly thank the Board for their commitment, time and creative approaches to leading us into the new millenium. The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment Not Taking Daily Life for Granted by George Bilotta As I write this article, (second week of October) it has been 6-7 weeks since my accident. What has unfolded for me? What life mystery has been disclosed during the past several weeks? A deepened and enriched sense of not taking daily life for granted has evolved and filled my consciousness. A broken leg, arm and wrist, all on the left side, has limited many of my usual activities. This situation turned the simplest of activities into a creative and patience-enhancing challenge. There is simply no rushing about. Hurrying, quickness, speed and moving quickly do not exist in my present life. Simple movements like taking a plate from the kitchen counter to the table, getting myself a cup of coffee and moving to a chair, walking around the yard all remain Herculean tasks stretching the limits of mobility. Naturally, we need to take much of daily life for granted in order to function. We need to take for granted that hot and cold water will flow from the faucet, that our car will start in the morning, and that the food we buy at the grocery store remains free of contamination, etc. Unreflectively taking life for granted however, sets us up to loose perspective. We tend to mix-up and confuse the difference between what is important, from what is trivial. We become stuck and overwhelmed. We loose our way. When we unreflectively take life for granted we narrow our vision, we miss the big picture. We forget what life is ultimately all about. We move toward activities that fill temporarily and leave us hungering for substance and meaning. We tend to decrease our sensitivity and attentiveness. We loose our eyes to see, our ears to hear and our hearts to feel. Taking life for granted is eating a sandwich while watching the evening news focus on people starving due to famine, civil war, or natural disasters. We tend to turn ourselves off in such an activity. Taking life for granted is failing to appreciate the many conveniences and blessings our society enjoys. We forget that we are part of a privileged society. Taking life for granted is going about our daily life without thinking and remembering that most people in the world have very little compared to our freedoms, our possessions, our education, our medical system, etc. Taking life for granted is focusing on what we don't have, rather than rejoicing and enjoying what we do have. This may apply to material possessions, to relationships with family and friends, to the way we go about interacting with people, event and things of the world. Taking life for granted is not making voting a priority, not saying thank you many more times a day, not acknowledging that no matter what my present situation, that I still have it better than most people in the world. What does a deepening and an enriching sense of not taking daily life for granted do for us? Fundamentally, I think that when we live our days not taking daily life for granted we increase our ability to reflect. This reflection opens our eyes to see, our ears to hear and our hearts to feel. This reflection leads to openness and receptivity. In opening and being receptive to the ordinary people, events and things that compose our day, such openness and receptivity leads to appreciation. It leads to an appreciative perspective on the world and our life within the world. We see the bigger picture of life. We enhance our understanding of life's meaning. We grow in wonder, patience, endurance, compassion, and integrity. What does reflectively appreciating ordinary everyday life, not taking daily life for granted look like? For me, given my present situation, reflectively appreciating ordinary everyday life looks something like saying to myself the other day - "Wow, I'm able to wipe in between my toes" on my left foot after bathing. Not taking daily life for granted is saying to my partner everyday something to the fact of how much I appreciate his caring for me in a loving and empathic way the past 7 weeks. How he has assumed all the responsibilities of our house and home and has made my life comfortable and as mobile as possible during these challenging weeks. Appreciating ordinary everyday life is feeling how fortunate I am to have excellent medical service, and that I have a comfortable and pleasant home within which to recuperate. Not taking life for granted looks like a constant reminder to take proper physical care of myself as I age concerning diet, exercise and rest. I am having an experience of being physically limited requiring the assistance of others. I have a new perspective on the ability to physically move about freely. I have a greatly increased empathy and appreciation for what people with a handicap experience and endure every day. What would appreciating ordinary everyday life, not taking daily life for granted, look like for you? Does not taking life for granted have any influence on your recovery process? In my December article, I will continue with additional reflections on this surprisingly unexpected accident. If you have any questions or thoughts about this article please share them with me through my e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for November What Does It Mean to Have a Sense of Self? We attend a gathering with many people with which we are unfamiliar. We introduce ourselves. We ask the standard and polite icebreaking type questions. Behind the statements that my name is ___ , I work at ___ , my family consists of ___ , and my favorite hobbies are ___ , etc., who are we really? Fundamentally, who are we as human beings? At our core, in our heart of hearts, what is our sense of who we are as individual human beings? What is your sense of your self? Do we define ourselves by what we do, how we perform, what we produce, what we accomplish, what we achieve, what goals we pursue, and by the label(s) that others or we apply to ourselves (e.g., mom, dad, doctor, teacher, white-collar, blue- collar, laborer, manager, survivor, etc)? Or do we gather a sense of who we are by investigating and cultivating the matters of our heart (that we intentionally and persistently strive to be a compassionate, reflective, kind, appreciative, receptive, etc., person)? The performance definition focuses on the functional nature of life. These functional aspects of life possess rules, j udgments and yardsticks by which we measure. However, we often measure incorrectly and j udge ourselves harshly. The heart definition of self reveals a self that seeks and tries to live life through virtues like compassion, kindness, patience, etc. From one perspective having a sense of self can derive and be dependent on what we do. From another perspective having a sense of self can be based within our heart, how we try to live our lives in a virtuous manner. Is a sense of self, a psychological and/or a spiritual understanding and undertaking? We often speak of self-esteem in psychological jargon. But self- esteem seems more an aspect of the outer shell of our personal sense of self. When we speak of our self-esteem we often invoke our feelings. I feel good about myself? I feel energized and excited about life. Or we might say, I feel depressed and I feel inadequate. I feel anxious and I feel limited. For many people, self- esteem and their sense of self is often dictated and overshadowed by their feelings. Though being aware of our feelings and expressing our feelings are important, feelings can also distort and slant reality when they are not truthfully and genuinely exposed and tested against concrete reality. For example, we might say to ourselves - "I feel inadequate. I am not a successful person." But in all reality when we truthfully and genuinely examine our lives we discover that indeed we are good, caring, generous person who try their best. We are successful in living life. Having a sense of self may be more like the flavors and spices that we use in daily life. In daily life we try to add the flavors of compassion, appreciation, patience, reflection, courage, kindness, etc. So when we perform a task, we try to perform it in a respectful manner. When we move toward accomplishing a goal, we try to accomplish the goal in a reflective manner. When we pursue an activity, we try to pursue with a sense of appreciation. Having a sense of self seems to have more to do with the manner and the way by which we try to go about living our lives rather than with the concrete performance and achievements. When we focus on the way, the manner by which we live, by which we try to proceed through our daily life, we always win, we always come out ahead because we have a sense of who we are. Questions: 1. What has been your experience of your sense of self? 2. How do you differentiate between your sense of self and your self-esteem? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Sharing that Connects, Sharing that Disconnects Do you ever wonder why we sometimes connect and listen intently to one person's share and why we sometimes disconnect, withdraw or stop listening to another person's share? Why are we drawn to connect? Often we are drawn because the person speaks from the heart, relating events and experiences with a depth of feeling. Feeling language tends to open us up. We present ourselves to other ASCA participants without façade. We demonstrate vulnerability and trust. In turn, ASCA members tend to embrace and to hold these shares gently, respectfully and supportively. Why do we withdraw? Sometimes our withdrawal has nothing to do with the person sharing but rather how their issues being addressed affect our own unresolved issues. For example, if a sharer describes a painful experience that is similar to my personal situation, I might withdraw and dissociate. What is being discussed might be j ust too difficult and painful for me to hear at this time. Sometimes I might withdraw because the presenter is rambling and it takes too much energy to follow. At other times I might withdraw because the sharer is devoid of feelings and I feel like I am listening to a robot instead of a human being. Sometimes I might withdraw because the sharer is shouting or is expressing h/her anger in a way that I feel pushed away rather than drawn to empathize. Sometimes I withdraw because the person speaking continues to basically repeat the same share week after week. What manner of sharing tends to draw you in? What manner of sharing tends to push you away? What manner of sharing tends to leave you feeling connected and/or disconnected? Poetry CROOKED by James Daniel, Copyright 1999 There was a crooked man Who grew from crooked stock Who never could recover From his post-traumatic shock. When he was very young Ma beat him with her gun. Pop torn him all apart 'Til he had to close his heart. He grew up asymmetic'ly Circuits closed electric'ly Stiff with pained anxiety Betrayed by his own piety. No one wanted him With their eyes They j ust saw Damaged merchandise. And when he tried to fantasize 'Twas always j ust the same reprise Of crooked cries and crooked tears To straighten a bit The crooked years. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. 1. If there are changes in co-secretary assignments, please let me know. Also if co-secretaries have a change in address or telephone number, please send me these changes. Finally, if as a co-secretary you have e-mail, would you please e-mail me at georgebilotta@cs.com so I can verify and have your e-mail. You can also contact me at 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583-1020, 508.835.6054. 2. Just a reminder that the ASCA Survey is due. We hope to report on the survey in the December issue of the ASCA News. 3. If you want to order the Survivor to Thriver manual simply forward a check for $23 payable to THE MORRIS CENTER and forward to: THE MORRIS CENTER, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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October, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • October 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta In mid-September we added a new section to our web site: the ASCA Meeting Guidebook. This section will grow as co-secretaries and ASCA participants raise questions about ASCA meetings and its format. Check it out! You might find it helpful as a way to increase your knowledge and participation in ASCA and thus your recovery. Some of you may have already heard about my accident on Labor Day. I will be using this situation as material for my Reflective Moment articles. I am on the mend. The doctors reassure me that I will heal without any complications and without any lasting aftereffects. Hopefully, by late October I will be walking and restoring some of the muscle mass in my leg that I have lost due to its temporary immobility. It has been a unique experience with life lessons yet to unfold. Again, I want to remind you that an easy and practical way of supporting THE MORRIS CENTER and our ASCA program is by donating through the United Way. The United Way's annual appeal is presently underway. Your employer may even provide matching contributions to the pledges made by their employees. We are registered with the United Way. Simply specify that your donation should be forwarded to "The Norma J. Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse" which is our legal name. Our Federal EIN# is: 94-3138762. "THE MORRIS CENTER" is our DBA (Doing Business As) and ASCA is a program of THE MORRIS CENTER. Remember that any contribution made directly to THE MORRIS CENTER at any time of the year is always tax deductible, since we are a nonprofit organization. Simply make your check payable to "THE MORRIS CENTER" and forward to - THE MORRIS CENTER, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. Thank you in advance for thinking about supporting us through a donation either via the United Way or directly to us. The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment Reflecting on the Surprisingly Unexpected What meaning and purpose unfolds from an accident? by George Bilotta Aargh! A gut wrenching feeling, clenching teeth, streaming expletives, darting pain up and down my leg and arm. Thus begins the Bilotta clan's Labor Day family picnic. It was the bottom of the first inning of a simple softball game with my young nieces and nephews, along with a few of the adults. Having hit the ball, I was running toward first base. Suddenly, without warning, totally unexpected -- I stumble. Twistingly hitting the ground, I laid in pain, aware that my body was going into shock. Two hours later the emergency room doctor confirmed that I had a broken left leg and left arm. Over the next several months I would like to unfold and to share with you various reflections concerning this unfortunate experience. Why did this accident happen and what is its meaning? For me, there is no rhyme or reason for the occurrence of the accident. I simply stumbled with the consequence of breaking my leg and arm. It was no one's fault. It was a fluke, a freak and a random event that had a cause and effect. No one is at fault. There is no one to blame, to accuse or even to be angry with. The accident simply revealed one of the resulting possibilities when a 50-year-old man chooses to play softball, even though it was only an easy going game with children. I am not angry or disappointed in myself. Until the accident, I exercised regularly. I considered myself to be in good physical shape at 50 years old. A few people have suggested that meaning and purpose must exist for why this has happened to me. Others have stated that God or the Universe is trying to teach me something. In all honesty, such suggestions and statements amuse me. I do not believe that God or the Universe interject, meddle or manipulate life in this manner. Many occurrences in life have no meaning and no purpose. They j ust happen. What meaning does rape or child abuse reveal? What meaning and purpose do we bestow on the common situation whereby a person under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol plows into another car killing a parent and child? No meaning or purpose exists for these victims. Unpleasant, negative, evil and traumatic things happen to people every day. Trying to make sense out of something or to instill it with meaning when in reality the event does not make sense or possess any inherent meaning because of its randomness only hinders us from accepting reality. We call this experience denial. In some situations and for some people denial can last for a few moments or for others persist for a lifetime. Attributing meaning to random occurrences and to unpleasant and negative things that happen to us and to others plays into an aspect of the blaming game, i.e., someone or something must be at fault, be responsible, be at blame. This aspect of the blaming game suggests that we do not need to assume full responsibility for moving forward. "I was not a fault for what happened to me!" "I resent that I have to ..… in order to rectify the situation for myself." Consequently, in such situations we dedicate much of our energy and focus finding fault, blaming, accusing, battling other(s), event(s) and thing(s), like a Don Quixote. Perspective becomes narrow and blurred. Because we have no direction, we tend to feel confused, angry, agitated, anxious, dejected, powerless, inadequate, etc. What I believe about the unpleasant, negative, evil and traumatic events that unfold in our lives is the following. The process of my recovery from this accident, (physically, psychologically and spiritually), like the process of recovery from any unpleasant, negative, evil and/or traumatic experience possesses potent and compelling life teachings, learnings, insights and wisdom. Reflecting on and lingering with the experience rather than j ust getting through it is essential. We need to spend time with the stuff of life to let it unfold and reveal its mystery to us. It is like spending time with a compass and map to reorient and point one's self in the right direction in order to grow into a better human being. A few months from now, if the only thing I receive out of this experience is a well functioning leg and arm, then I will have lost an opportunity to grow into a better human being. How we enter into the recovery process, how our heart-spirit accepts or rejects the reality of what has transpired depends in part upon the perspective and the interpretation we give to the event(s). For example, on the way to the hospital sensing that it was more than a sprain, I assumed that substantial damage had occurred to my leg. Yet as I looked around the emergency waiting room, I began feeling appreciative. I was appreciative that it was probably only a broken leg, a dislocated knee or something. The man next to me seemed to have a mangled arm and hand. I overheard another person stating that her father had a stroke. I noticed several other people in the corner crying. For me, everything is perspective, perspective, perspective. Perspective does not diminish the pain, nor erase the unpleasant and negative that has happened. Rather perspective embraces through appreciation what one has. Appreciatively, I placed into perspective what I loss. I had a broken leg. It could have been a broken neck, a stroke or a freak stumble resulting in permanent paralysis. In addition, I was aware and appreciative that I was in a clean, efficient and modern emergency room. The hospital staff was skilled and caring. Though in physical discomfort, I felt relaxed, attended to and grateful. I believe that another helpful aspect of interpreting this unpleasant and negative situation through an appreciative perspective transformed any displaced feelings of anger, resentment or ill will. Looking at the bigger picture from an appreciative perspective cut short any of the common circular unanswerable questions: why me, why now, what did I do to deserve this? This is not fair. To summarize my initial reflections -- I am grateful and appreciative. I have said to my partner numerous times over the past few weeks, something to the effect of the following. Though I have many temporary limitations and numerous daily challenges due to both a broken leg and arm, I have everything I need to recover -- to heal physically, to grow emotionally, to mature spiritually. I am capable of enjoying my life given the recent limitations and restrictions due to the accident. I no not deny that I have moments during the average day that I feel momentarily frustrated, discouraged, uncomfortable, annoyed, agitated, impatient, etc. These feelings however, are usually fleeting. They dissolve quickly as I laugh at myself and refocus my perspective. I believe that by cultivating an appreciative perspective over the years, this appreciative perspective has specifically permitted me to cope graciously with the results of my accident. In my November article I will continue with additional reflections on this surprisingly unexpected accident. If you have any questions or thoughts about this article please share them with me through my e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for October Criticism versus Praiseworthiness Some of us tend to be quick to criticize others and even quicker to criticize ourselves. We can be harsh, severe and disapproving. Our abusers and collaborators were often heavy-handed with their criticism, their faultfinding and their unfairness. Their oppressive style kept us fearful, off balance, subservient and vigilant. Being a part of a family that overflowed with criticism, we quickly developed an inclination to find, to call attention and to exaggerate our errors and faults. We learned to humiliate ourselves, to doubt our capacities, to minimize our accomplishments. Though some of us can be critical and sharped tongued with others, this pales in comparison to our keen ability to self-impale and to stick sharp tongued daggers into our own heart. Many of us experience much distress, suffering and discouragement due to our preponderance toward our self-criticalness. As a habit, criticizing feels so usual. It j ust seems so natural to pick, pick, and pick some more at ourselves. Criticism and lack of appreciation often set us up for the one-two punch of low self-esteem. Most survivors find it difficult, nearly impossible to ease off of the self-criticism. It happens so quickly. In a sense our heart is like a pincushion. We take the prickly pins of daily life and with no alternatives available we pin them to our hearts. We criticize, j udge and find continual fault with ourselves. Criticalness is the opposite of praiseworthiness. As comfortable as we are with criticizing ourselves, many of us find it equally if not more difficult to think about ourselves in a praiseworthy manner. One possible way to experiment with rebalancing criticism with praiseworthiness might be to j ust dwell in general on the theme of praiseworthiness. As often as possible throughout the day, let us try to think about the general praiseworthiness of people, events and things that we see and encounter. This exercise might assist us in gradually becoming comfortable with the general stuff of praiseworthiness. For example, we might express approval for a garden we pass, we might express admiration for some gesture of hope and civility we read about in the newspaper or hear on the evening news. We might applaud some action or accomplishment of a friend or family member. The idea is j ust to begin thinking and dwelling with the theme of praiseworthiness. As we increase the weight of praiseworthiness in general concerning the people, events and things in our lives, we might as a consequence begin to incorporate into ourselves a bit of praiseworthiness. If we increase praiseworthiness in and around our lives, there is simply less room for criticism. Questions: 1. What has been your experience of self-criticism? 2. What has been your experience of praiseworthiness? 3. What have you tried in the past to diminish criticism and increase praiseworthiness? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: The Heart of the ASCA Meeting Guidelines Our ASCA meeting format contains eight basic meeting guidelines along with additional guidelines for sharing, feedback, closure comments, etc. Years ago we intentionally chose the word - guidelines. We accepted the inevitable reality that most of life, including ASCA meetings, are experienced in the gray area. Life and ASCA meetings rarely appear clear-cut and without some ambiguity. During an ASCA meeting situations sometimes arise that require gentle unfolding and subjective interpretation within the confines of our agreed upon and time tested guidelines. Our guidelines propose to provide guidance and safety. They are not meant to be like harsh blocks of cement to impede, to humiliate or to hurt. Some of the guidelines are concrete like # 1 arriving on time, #2 meetings are exclusively for survivors, #3 only first names are used, #4 what you hear is told in confidence, or #5 don't use alcohol or drugs before a meeting. However, guidelines #6, #7 and #8 along with the sharing and feedback guidelines reside more within the gray area. Tending to point us in a direction, rather than being concrete, these guidelines require a generous scoop of goodwill and some common sense on the part of all participants. Gentle compassion, thoughtful understanding, and an empathetic heart are usually the more important elements when interpreting a guideline. Good will is assuming, taking the position, placing our heart in a mode of receptive willingness. Often the person we perceive as breaking the guideline is doing the best s/he can. The person might be ignorant or confused about the guideline. The participant might be overwhelmed at the moment. It does not help to get all bent out of shape over a violation or a perceived violation of a guideline. Graciously accepting the co-secretary's flow with the situation or the co-secretary's decision concerning the situation tends to be more helpful and in the spirit of our ASCA guidelines than being rigid, reactive or blowing a situation out of proportion or out of perspective. Sometimes something will happen within an ASCA meeting which results in a person(s) feeling uncomfortable or anxious. When something happens during a meeting with which you disagree or with which you find unsettling, it would be helpful to you and to the meeting to discuss the situation with the Co-Secretaries following the conclusion of the meeting. Often this kind of follow-through can clarify and rectify a situation. There is a greater probability of leaving the meeting satisfied and peaceful when you discuss difficult situations with the Co-Secretaries than if you simply leave the meeting upset and in a huff. Part of recovery is learning how to gently but firmly confront situations that seem askew. To summarize, the heart of our ASCA guidelines serves to promote helpfulness and safety. We interact and optimize our guidelines when we participant with a receptive heart and a generous scoop of goodwill. Poetry ABUSE by -BoK The terrible wanton has found me, A fragile vase shattering in my chest. I sleep, I cannot sleep. I cry, I cannot cry. This slithering discomfort Travels my body head to toe When I died, my sister died with me. When my mother cried, we cried with her. There is no escape from this plague, No flight to lift our bodies from the earth, From the endless wearing of our youth. It plagues us all. It treats the heart a feast of Wilted flowers and tempting thorns, It glorifies the mind-for every Inch of fear, an inch of rope to pull Us out of this fire. It shakes the soul to find me, To find where our beauty has gone- Where is our love? There is a reminder in each image I seek of myself: In all the mirrors and reflections And values and sense, Where is our right to live without you? I place this stake in the ground As if to capture the heart of evil, To deaden the pain surfacing in our own hearts. Past this point, nothing will survive! I hope this is the last I will write to you Because each word is like the constant memory, The memory of our lives being torn. I cannot escape you. Though you are all the reason For me not to be, You are but another image of who I am. Please take my heart. Please take all that is left of me, Because I can no longer fit this life, I can no longer breathe air into these lungs. Tomorrow? Tomorrow is new Only if we let our worn selves float behind. My dear old friend has left me; A ghost back into the womb, The womb beneath the roots of a tree. I stand here frightened- Still in great love. Every way I turn, I turn completely. And like some things Keeping our attention for an extended amount of time, I make several turns after another- Turning a wind That cools the fire, That sips the haunting shadows out. I will not make a place at The table for you, Because you have sat eating For quite a while. Because you have stuffed yourself, Because you have taken a part Of what we needed to live. Because you have emptied our stomachs, Have stolen our blood, Have raped our children! Women and Men Mothers and Fathers Sons and Daughters Nephews and Nieces Aunts and Uncles Cousins and Friends You have no home with me! If you knock, I will not let you in. If you sing, I will not dance. If you cry, I will not feel remorse. Today, I am with great love, And love has closed the door on you Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. Currently, we forward a hardcopy of the ASCA News to all the meetings. A Co-Secretary or some designated person from the meeting should be duplicating and distributing the ASCA News to the meeting membership. 1. If you want to order the Survivor to Thriver manual simply forward a check for $23 payable to The Morris Center and forward to: The Morris Center, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. 2. Reminder! David Vandevert is preparing to facilitate a Co-Secretary Training. If you are interested in participating please contact David at 510.524.5946 or at his e-mail: dvandevert@aol.com. Contact David as soon as possible so arrangements can be organized based upon interest. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • September 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org Summary of June - August 2000 Editions of the ASCA News We have forwarded to all ASCA meetings a hardcopy format of the ASCA News. The September issue compiles the summer ASCA News editions of June through August. We understand that meetings are experiencing some difficulty in downloading and printing the ASCA News from our web site. Beginning with the October issue, we intend to forward a hardcopy of the monthly ASCA News to all the meetings. If you prefer however, that we e-mail you the ASCA News as a Word file so that you will have the capacity to print copies directly from your computer for your meeting, we can do this. If you decide that a Word file should be e-mailed to you in place of a hardcopy of the ASCA News j ust notify George Bilotta by e-mailing him directly at georgebilotta@cs.com. September Announcements Co-Secretary Training David Vandevert, a member of THE MORRIS CENTER'S Board of Directors, will be hosting a co-secretary training on either Sunday September 24th, or Sunday October 1st or 8th. If you are interested in the co-secretary training, contact David at 510.524.5946 or at his e-mail: dvandevert@aol.com. Contact David as soon as possible so arrangements can be solidified based upon interest. New President Margaret Jayko, our former president of THE MORRIS CENTER'S Board of Directors, needed to resign due to an overburdening employment situation. At the Board's meeting on August 27th, the Board elected Jessy Keiser as president of the Board. You can reach Jessy by e-mailing her at j mkeiser@pacbell.net. Web Site Consultant Wanted Bob Roberts, our Web Master, is looking for computer specialists with website expertise to either help with our web site or to function as a consultant to him concerning various aspects of web site design and maintenance. If you are interested, you can reach Bob through our e-mail at tmc_asca@dnai.com. United Way Appeal An easy and practical way of donating to and supporting THE MORRIS CENTER and our ASCA program is to donate through the United Way. Their annual appeal usually runs during the months of September and October. Some employers even provide matching contributions to the pledges made by their employees. We are registered with the United Way. Simply specify that your donation should be forwarded to "The Norma J. Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse" which is our legal name. "THE MORRIS CENTER" is our DBA and ASCA is a program of THE MORRIS CENTER. Remember that any contribution made directly to THE MORRIS CENTER at any time of the year is always tax deductible, since we are a non-profit organization. You can always send us a contribution any time that you feel a little philanthropic. Simply make your check payable to "THE MORRIS CENTER" and forward to - THE MORRIS CENTER, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. Thank you in advance for thinking about supporting us through a donation either via the United Way or directly to us. ASCA e-Meeting Growing A year ago we initiated our ASCA e-Meeting. This past month of August experienced the greatest number of participants. If you have not had an opportunity to try the ASCA e-Meeting look it up on our web site at www.ascasupport.org and click on ASCA e-Meeting. There are over 50 shares and some wonderful and comforting feedback comments. We will return to our usual series of articles in the ASCA News with the October issue. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA News 1. If you want to order the Survivor to Thriver manual simply forward a check for $23 payable to The Morris Center and forward to The Morris Center, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. 2. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, by e-mailing him at georgebilotta@cs.com or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. | |
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August, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • August 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of George Bilotta For many the lazy hazy crazy days of summer suggest an opportunity to sit back, relax and enjoy the warmth and bounty that Mother Nature bestows upon us during this sun drenching season of the year. But for the ASCA News we would like to use the month of August as a period of examination. We want to know what you think and feel about the ASCA News. It would be helpful if you would take a few moments and give us some feedback concerning the following questions. On a scale of 1 not helpful -- 5 very helpful how would you rate the following. 0. ____ The helpfulness of the ASCA News to your ongoing recovery efforts? a. ____ The helpfulness of this year's "Reflective Moment" series? b. ____ The helpfulness of the monthly "Rotation C ASCA Meeting Topic" write-ups? c. ____ The helpfulness of the monthly "ASCA Meeting Education Moment" series? d. What do you find most helpful and least helpful about the ASCA News? e. Do you have any suggests concerning how the monthly ASCA News could be of better service to you and/or do you have any overall comments concerning the ASCA News? You can reply to the above survey by pasting the above questionnaire into an e-mail and forwarding to: georgebilotta@cs.com mailing a reply directly to George Bilotta at -- 173 Malden St, West Boylston, MA 01583 or your ASCA meeting might provide everyone with a little time to complete the survey with the Co-Secretaries forwarding the meeting's responses on to George. We appreciate your efforts in providing us with some feedback. Any feedback will be helpful in aiding our evaluation of the ASCA News. Ultimately the ASCA News is meant to serve you. So let us know what you think. The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment Life's Integrity by George Bilotta Life's integrity resonates with a steadfast adherence to principles for life that we have thoughtfully explored and that we purposefully try to integrate into our daily lives. These principles for life are like compasses and maps that assist us as we proceed through life's daily activities and experiences. When we feel confused and lost, they help to clarify and redirect. When we feel overwhelmed and challenged, they help us to pause and regain our composure. When we feel hurt and wounded, they are like soothing salves and restoratives. With principles for life that take on qualities of soundness, wholeness and completeness we go forth down the path of integrity. Each of us assumes full responsibility for the integrity of our lives. Commissioned by life we seek to uncover and to think through sound principles for living life that will offer guidance during the usual difficulties, hassles and stresses of daily living. Irrespective of what has happened to us in our childhood past or in our recent past, life calls each of us to fully account for the integrity of who we are and for how we go about living our daily lives. A life overflowing in integrity does not mean that we always have the right answer, that we always do the correct thing, that we always feel confident that we are proceeding in the right direction. Rather a life of integrity suggests that we have consciously and thoughtfully, purposefully and wholeheartedly embraced specific life principles that function as our guides. If we have not been reflective about selecting our principles for life, then we probably have unreflectively adopted and haphazardly pickedup many principles for life that may or may not be helpful. These adopted principle for life may have belonged to our families, to society, to religions, to philosophies of the world, to educational ideas that may not reflect our uniqueness nor how we strive to be as human beings. We all possess principles for life out of which we function. Some may be born out of reflection and some pickedup because they look nice or fill a void. No one is immuned from the influences that surround us and whose air we constantly breath. If we desire to live life through integrity, it seems that we must first be reflective and thoughtful about the principles by which we want to guide our daily lives. What seems most important is that our basic principles be thoughtfully and specifically chosen by each of us. Integrity assumes that we solidly stand on our own principles. Integrity assumes that we have not taken the easy way, the unreflective way that results in standing on principles that have been assembled by others or through cultural indoctrination. When we assemble our own principles we know and we feel confident that they will not cave-in while dealing with life's usual difficulties, hassles and stresses. How do we j udge that a principle for life is helpful or unhelpful for our lives? At their core, principles for life usually result in nurturing and enhancing life, in opening the heart and lifting the spirit, in forming us into better human beings. They usually encourage flexibility, increased listening, and promote awareness and sensitivity to the people, events and things around us. Questions to ponder. What are your basic principles for life? How did you uncover and think through these principles? What are some of the principles that you have haphazardly adopted from others? How do you benefit from the core principles for your life? Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for August Maintaining a Relationship with a Past Perpetrator? One of the more heart wrenching considerations for adult survivors concerns whether to or how to maintain a relationship with a past perpetrator(s). For most people this process reveals an horrendous array of potholes. Most often our perpetrator(s) were family members, and more often than not a parent or a foster/stepparent. As an adult and irrespective of the type of relationship we may have maintained in the past, our choice to expand or limit our relationship with a past abuser remains fluid. Nothing is ever in cement. We always have a choice, though often perplexing, difficult and painful. Each of us makes a variety of ongoing decisions based on our particular circumstances and desires. It may be helpful to have a healthy degree of suspicion of people and books that focus on one size fits all answers to this complex question. An ongoing dialogue within ourselves might be helpful in exploring some of the following questions. Perhaps the first questions to struggle with examine what do we mean by a relationship? A relationship might simply mean a civil polite acknowledgment of the perpetrator, for example while attending a family gathering. On the other hand, a relationship might involve investing part of our heart. A second set of questions might explore what kind of relationship do I want? What is my realistic assessment of the perpetrator's ability to engage with me in the type of relationship that I want? What are the parameters of the relationship, i.e., what am I willing and not willing to do to foster the relationship that I want? Given my present knowledge, what seems a likely and realistic scenario of a relationship unfolding? A third set of questions might include whether I might be blind, or that I might be setting myself up for disappointment and frustration? What is the risk/reward equation to this relationship? Am I looking to regain something that I lost as a child in this relationship? If so, as an adult what are the possibilities of regaining this aspect of the relationship or has time simply erased its possibility? Thinking about maintaining a relationship with a past perpetrator raises a wide variety of questions and feelings. Perhaps the bottom-line for many of us points to the simple question - is maintaining a relationship with a past perpetrator at this time in my life a healthy or unhealthy endeavor? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Supporting Your ASCA Meeting Your ASCA meeting could use your ongoing support in several basic ways. An ASCA meeting j ust does not happen but rather relies on the good will of its participants. We support by observing the meeting guidelines and backing up the Co-Secretaries. In a community based meeting participants support their meeting through their willingness to take a turn at functioning as a Co-Secretary. Also supporting the meeting includes giving a reasonable donation to help with the ongoing expenses of a community based meeting. Provider based meetings charge a fee between ten and twenty dollars which covers meeting expenses including payment to the provider who organizes the meeting and is usually the Secretary or Co-Secretary of the meeting. Another important way of supporting your meeting includes spreading the word. You might have the best support group meeting in the world, but if others do not become aware of the meeting a productive meeting can soon die off. In addition, if you have the time and energy, you might consider helping one of the new Board members by joining a committee. The Morris Center and ASCA is primarily a volunteer oriented organization. Without interested and enthused people coming forward and donating their time, energy and talents, our organization would soon fold. The meeting might take a little time each week to discuss the various needs of the meeting and how members can creatively and concretely support the ongoing success of their meeting. Without you there is no meeting. New Board of Directors THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse Officers: President, Margaret Jayko Secretary, A Renee Koren Treasurer, Richard Scott Directors: Lane Arye, Process Facilitator R.J. Valado Bradbury, Survivor to Thriver Maintenance, Companion Manual Jessy Keiser, ASCA Program Development, Board Development Amaroq de Quebrazas, Community Outreach David Vandevert, ASCA Co-Secretary Training & Coaching Bob Roberts, Web Master Diane Whitney, ASCA News Future Board Positions To Be Filled: Workshop & Conference Coordination Public Relations Board Membership Membership Development Grant Investigation Grant Writing Donation Solicitation If you have a special skill and desire to join the Board let us know. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. 1. It would be helpful if Co-Secretaries would encourage members to forward the ASCA News survey onto to George Bilotta. You might consider having the membership complete the survey before, during or after a meeting. Be creative. What would be most helpful is to receive some feedback concerning the ASCA News from the meeting membership. Thanks. 2. If you want to make your meeting's quarterly payment for the ASCA telephone voice mail $15, and the meeting's web page listing $10, make your check payable to "The Morris Center" and mail to -- The Morris Center, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. 3. Presently, if you want to order the Survivor to Thriver manual simply forward a check for $23 payable to "The Morris Center" and forward to -- The Morris Center, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. 4. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. 5. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, by e-mailing him directly at georgebilotta@cs.com or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • July 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment Promoting Courage Within Our Lives Facing Life's Changes, Difficulties & Challenges by George Bilotta With our emerging 21st century full of speed, intertwined with jam-packed lives, with increasing demands on our time and energy - trying to live a reflective life in order to foster courage has never been more essential. We constantly face change in every aspect of our lives. Cultivating courage, as a quality of the heart, empowers us to encounter our daily difficulties and challenges with a firmness of conviction. Courage does not take away the pain, the hassles, nor the frustrations of daily living, but rather courage functions more like a restorative salve. Whether we face intransigent recovery dilemmas, or emotional disadvantages like depression, anxieties, distorted self-images, or difficult people within family, at work, on the street, etc., a focus on trying to cultivate courage enables us to face life with increased meaning, with greater endurance and energy, with an intensified sense of purpose. If part of courage comes from firmness of conviction, from where does our conviction draw its substance? Firmness of conviction draws not from feelings, nor from the opinions of others, but rather from rigorous thinking. Disciplined and thoroughness of thinking assures that one is right, without doubt. Confident that one's conviction has been intensively tested and proven true, we now possess a grounded trustworthiness that empowers us (courage) to forthrightly face the changes, difficulties and challenges that daily life inevitably showers upon us. Courage increases self-esteem, promotes healthy self-images, energizes and enables us to welcome daily life with increased vigor and passion. To generously paraphrase Socrates, rigorous thinking is constantly challenging our assumptions and beliefs - about the way that we live, who we are, whom we say and believe that we are. Rigorous thinking includes continuously questioning our society's priorities and what society states what it means to be a good human being, a good citizen. Rigorous thinking encompasses intensive examination of what others say about us, and how we permit what they say to effect us. The result of rigorous thinking unfold and disclose guided wisdom. Over a period of time the accumulation of discipline and of thorough thinking gives way to in-depth knowledge, an understanding of what is right and true concerning self and our relationship to others and to things of the world. Wisdom guides our days, our lives, j ust as a compass inevitably points to north, orienting our direction, guiding our life's journey. As a value of the heart, courage is substantive, adding stamina to life, and rippling with positive impact throughout our day and life. Courage favorably effects how we look at ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, how we present ourselves to others, and how we go about picking-up the daily tasks of life. We cannot change substantially and we cannot alter our lives significantly, without investing in cultivating courage through rigorous thinking. If we are usually distrustful of others, scared of life, perpetually indecisive and apprehensive about tomorrow, we might discover that focusing on trying to promote courage produces an increased firmness of conviction that like a compass guides and points the way. Questions to ponder: 1. How do you systematically go about challenging your/society's assumptions and beliefs? 2. How can you go about increasing rigorous thinking? 3. How do you sense that fostering courage would negatively and positively effect your life? 4. How would the cultivation of courage influence how you go about working your recovery from childhood abuse? Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for July Telling Our Story Perhaps the single most powerful aspect concerning our recovery process, especially during Stage One recovery, is the telling of our story. Our "story" usually includes 1) the circumstances surrounding our abuse, 2) the factual details of the various incidents of abuse, (physical, sexual and/or emotional), 3) the experiences of family and elders responding and/or not responding to the abuse, 4) the effects of the abuse throughout the years, and 5) our struggles and successes with recovery. The importance and the potential positive impact of telling and retelling our story in its many manifestations can never be underestimated. The story telling process improves our memory of the past and decreases its negative emotional impact on our present lives. It curtails our tendency to minimize and deny what actually happened. Clarifying the abuse's effects on our lives, it provides perspective to that which we need to focus in order to continue to move-on with our lives. It diminishes the scariness of the abuse and lessens the fear we have of the people who abused us. Telling our story to whomever has the capacity and willingness to listen, removes the burden of singularly carrying the horrendously heavy load of memories. Telling and retelling our story is a process giving way to freedom from the desolation of the past, to liberation from the chains that hold us back from being the people we desire to be. There are many ways and tools to tell, to express our story. Some include talking to and with others individually and within groups, writing the story as historical fact, composing poetry, drafting a play, choreographing a dance, painting and drawing, creating a video, dictating a series of audio tapes. Some of these avenues of relating our story of abuse include other people and some can be done successfully alone and privately. A combination of expression is probably more helpful than a single expression of telling and retelling our story of abuse and recovery. Questions: 1. What has been my experience thus far of telling my story? 2. What have been the benefits to my life and recovery process by telling and retelling my story? 3. Are there other avenues that I might pursue that I have not yet used concerning telling my story to enhance my recovery process? New Board of Directors of THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse Introducing Some of the Board Jessy Keiser Director ASCA Program Development, and Board Development "Hello! My name is Jessy Keiser. Some of you may already know me. I am one of the original ASCA Leadership Council members. This was the group of survivors and thrivers who founded the ASCA program in 1993. Over the years, I have been involved with ASCA as a support group co-secretary, facilitator trainer, member - and now, as a Board Director. For many years, ASCA has been my community - the place I can come home to and always feel welcome. ASCA has been an integral part of my healing and growth. Today I am honored to serve our ASCA community in the capacity of Director of Board Development and Director of Program Development. What qualifies me for these positions? Well, I can give you my professional credentials ( I do have a Master of Science degree in Organization Development, as well as 12 years of experience in facilitation and training). But I'd rather talk about my vision and my commitment to make our program and community one of the strongest grass-roots programs globally accessible to fellow adult survivors. How can I do that? I can't. Not without your help. In fact, I am counting on your support and activism to help us achieve this vision. Right now, we are at a great j uncture in the road. I am looking for volunteers to staff our Program Development Committee and help ASCA to evolve into the future. If you are interested in being on this committee, please contact me directly via e-mail. My e-mail address is j mkeiser@ispchannel.com. Please leave a telephone number and times/days that I can reach you. If you prefer, you can also let Margaret know about your interest. She'll pass on the information to me and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you in advance. I look forward to working with you in the coming year!" Jessy Keiser, e-mail: j mkeiser@ispchannel.com Amaroq de Quebrazas Director of Community Outreach Amaroq is a Mexican American native of San Francisco's Mission District. As a Communication Impact Consultant and Facilitator, Amaroq is known for her innovative and somewhat "unorthodox" approach of aiding groups to welcome tension and conflict as well as harmonious interaction as part of healthy team building. Her mission is to work with psychology, social activist and media arts groups targeting diversity and community building as desired outcomes. She is a professional member of Cine Accion, The Film Arts Foundation, The Institute of Noetic Sciences and The International Association of Facilitators. Amaroq states that "as the Director of Community Outreach, I monitor and respond to our voice-mail system. Second, I am involved in designing and implementing a program to promote the ASCA program within the general community. If you are interested in assisting me you can leave me a message on the voice mail 4 15.928.4576 or e-mail me at amaroq@sirius.com." Amaroq de Quebrazas, e-mail: amaroq@sirius.com Diane Whitney Director of ASCA News I attended my first ASCA meeting in early 1994. After years of various therapies, I finally found a place where I felt completely understood. Within a few months, I attended the co-secretary training and soon took on that role. Eventually, I was asked to participate in what was then called the Leadership Council, a group which consisted of Morris Center Staff and ASCA participants who helped shape the direction of ASCA. After a period of inactivity, I am delighted to become re-involved with ASCA as a member of the new Board of Directors. I will be in charge of getting the ASCA News out every month. It is my hope that our newsletter will continue to be an efficient tool of communication in the ASCA community and will effectively address issues of concern to all of us. To that end, I earnestly invite your input, both in the form of articles, poetry or book reviews for publication and in the form of suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed. Better still, if you'd like to join the ASCA News Committee and work on the newsletter on a regular basis, I would love to hear from you." Diane Whitney, e-mail: diawhitney@aol.com Richard Scott Treasurer My business background is one of business management and accounting, sales and marketing and business development. The understanding of the various facets of business have made my experience more enriching as well as valuable to the people for whom I have been employed. I am presently the manager of business development for an e-commerce B2B web site in the East bay as well as an independent contractor to a variety of small businesses assisting them in their business management and development needs. My growing up years were pretty intense. I was raised in an alcoholic/drug addictive home that eventually led to the demise of one parent by suicide. The Morris Center's ASCA program helped me to realize how much effort that I felt at the time were seeming small improvements did count for as personal accomplishments from the derailing effects the drug abuse and imposed behaviors from those learned in prior generations of my family. The first step is the individual's risk in breaking the silence that usually grips the individual as well as the family and suffocates the healing and developmental processes from these and other negative behaviors. It is my hope that more people who have commonly endured such inj urious experiences will be provided a space and access to knowledge of resources that will assist in developing and fostering their own improvement for the betterment of quality of life for themselves and those they love. The beginning for each individual is to find a place that can augment the channel of resources necessary for re- connecting with one's self and develop the means to foster supportive relationships in one's life that will facilitate with that healing process. It is my intent to assist the Morris Center to be more effective in the provision of these services as well as resources invaluably provided to date. Richard Scott, e-mail: scottrj@pacbell.net In the August issue of ASCA News, we will introduce additional Board members. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. 1. Presently, if you want to order the Survivor to Thriver manual simply forward a check for $23 payable to The Morris Center and forward to The Morris Center, c/o George Bilotta, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA 01583. 2. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, by e-mailing him at The Morris Center or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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ASCA News • June 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org Notes from the Board President Margaret Jayko Calling All Members: Join ASCA's Spring Renewal For the first time in our 10-year history, THE MORRIS CENTER now has an activist Board of Directors. At our first Board meeting, held in San Francisco on May 7, the Board voted to significantly expand the number of ASCA members involved in organizing and leading the organization. Several Board- member led committees are being set up. Every ASCA supporter is encouraged to consider becoming involved in the myriad of activities that contribute to making ASCA the cutting-edge in the recovery of adult survivors of child abuse. Work you can volunteer for right now includes: "Participating in the online ASCA meeting and helping to polish up our website. Just press the "e-mail" button on the www.ascasupport.org website: Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, ASCA, and let Webmeister Bob Roberts know you want to be involved/what you think. "Writing for, or helping to solicit articles, poems, etc., for the monthly ASCA newsletter. The deadline for getting into the July issue is June 15. Volunteer to interview people in your local chapter, send along a book review, or jot down some tips or questions from your meeting. Just e-mail your contribution and/or ideas to the new Editor-In-Chief, Diane Whitney: Diawhitney@aol.com. "Have ideas about involving more therapists, survivors, institutions in ASCA? Community Outreach Director Amaroq de Quebrazas is eager to get out there with you and start talking to people. Contact her at: amaroq@sirius.com "Are you interested in learning and/or honing the precious skills involved in being an ASCA meeting Co-Secretary? Are you a Co-Secretary who would like a bit of consultation and discussion of questions that have come up in your meeting? Are you an ASCA participant who would like to work on training and coaching others to lead ASCA meetings? Well, then David Vandevert is the person to talk to. He is now organizing Co-Secretary training and coaching, and can be reached at: dvandevert@aol.com This is j ust a taste of the plans that the Board, together with The Morris Center's Executive Director, George Bilotta, has begun working on. The whole July issue of the newsletter, in fact, will be devoted to introducing all the Board members and our goals and committees. Any questions or suggestions can also be directed to me, the newly elected Board president, at: Maymo@aol.com. Remember: everything we do to build ASCA, no matter how small it might seem, is an aid to recovery and a blow to child abuse. Margaret Jayko Maymo@aol.com The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment Approaching Life by George Bilotta Most people appropriate the time to think, to strategize and to make decisions concerning the practical and functional aspects of life - like school, profession, employment, hobbies, friends, relationships, retirement investments, vacations, interest groups, psychotherapy, support groups, etc. We imagine being a teacher, designer, attending a particular school, pursuing a particular career, being in a committed relationship, focusing on recovery, living in a particular geographic location, wearing certain cloths, eating certain foods, involving ourselves in certain kinds of entertainment, activities, etc. On the other hand however, most of us seldom allocate time to think and strategize, to make decisions concerning cultivating personal characteristics or dispositions, matters of the heart - like compassion, gentleness, appreciation, kindness, empathy, patience, receptivity, humor, joy, wonder, integrity, courage, etc. It is the difference of approching life and proceeding through life with a basic small box of crayons in which to draw and color life's possibilities, or proceeding with a huge, hundred plus box of crayons. How we approach life, how we experience life, how we interact with life I think has more to do with our personal dispositions, matters of the heart - like compassion, gentleness, appreciation, kindness, etc. than with the practical and functional decisions we make around career, relationships, cloths, etc. I would also say that cultivating matters of the heart for the average person is more powerful than focusing on psychotherapy. Why? Psychotherapy does a wonderful job assisting people in resolving psychopathological traits such as anxiety, aspects of depression, compulsions, addictions. Psychotherapy helps us to function better, feel better, etc. Psychotherapy however, does an inadequate job concerning matters of the heart. For example, gentleness is more core to being a human being than being in a healthy relationship. One cannot have a healthy relationship without cultivating a certain degree of gentleness. You can develop all of the functional and practical communications skills that the world has to offer, but if we lack gentleness the interaction will remain lacking, unsatisfying. A relational interaction that lacks a sense of gentleness comes across has hard, cool, pragmatic, functional, etc. If I cultivate a sense of gentleness, whereby I try to look upon and interact with people, events and things of the world in a tender, kindly and soft way, then the way I experience different situations in life will increase in tenderness, kindness, softness. Because I try to cultivate gentleness in my life, I consequently end up coloring interactions with life in all its complexity and diversity, in all its depth and numerous possibilities. Life becomes brighter, more interesting, fuller and more enjoyable. The relational interaction is deeper, more satisfying, more meaningful. As for how this specifically influences adult survivors of child abuse, I think childhood abuse in its many forms, with its diverse consequences, influenced our heart, shaped the core of who we are more profoundly than many people realize. Abuse not only effected us psychologically, emotionally, but it effected our heart, our core. When a father seduced us leaving us frightened, alone, confused, in pain - our heart, our core lost a degree of compassion. When a mother refused to believe or intervene with a family member who was sexually assaulting us, leaving us bewildered, in agony, in despair - we lost a degree of joy and appreciation from within our heart, our core. Childhood abuse and its lingering consequences chipped away at our heart, our core of who we are. It left us with a little, limiting box of crayons to draw and color life. If we fail to cultivate the matters of the heart, the core of who we are, we will continue to approach life in a pragmatic and functional manner. Though we may be and feel successful in career, athletics, hobbies, etc., when you really take the time to sit and ponder, can you imagine living in a world, living your life without matters of the heart, dispositions like compassion, gentleness, appreciation, kindness, empathy, patience, receptivity, humor, joy, wonder, integrity, courage, etc.? Cultivating personal characteristics or dispositions, matters of the heart, is a life long process. Dispositions of the heart can be cultivated and will have a profound effect on how we take up the daily tasks of life. Questions to Ponder 1. What do you think that you would gain by cultivating matters of the heart? 2. What would it mean for you to focus on cultivating matters of the heart? 3. Reviewing your own journey through psychotherapy, how has it helped you to function better, to feel better, and how has it helped you in matters of the heart? 4. How can you balance being practical and functional, yet still cultivate matters of the heart? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Sharing Basics Occasionally, members inquire into the parameters surrounding what can or can not be shared in an ASCA meeting. Though we have clear Meeting Guidelines especially guideline 6 which prohibits any type of discussion or disclosure of past or present perpetrator type behavior, and guideline 7 which prohibits derogatory language concerning minority groups, etc., and the Share Guidelines which encourage us to speak about our feelings and to share in a way that others can "take-in" what we are saying, additional clarification may be helpful for some participants. First, sharing is a two way street. We share and disclose for the purpose of liberating ourselves from our secrets, our shame, our humiliation, our painful story of childhood abuse, the negative effects on our lives. We also share to relate our successes, our strategies, our growth and unfolding as human beings who have been impacted by childhood abuse. Yet we share in the context of a community of ASCA members, people who have been through similar experiences. Thus our shares are meant not only as a catharsis and an opportunity to gain insight and support for ourselves, but also to connect with others through our sharing. We all know how various shares impact us - how we nod in empathy, how we squirm with discomfort, how our agitation oozes out, how our sadness releases tears as we listen to others share. Some people think that they should be permitted to share anything they want and in any manner that they want. When our ASCA guidelines and spirit of sharing are crossed and not observed, a meeting can quickly descend into chaos. Most of us have had experiences of this happening in a meeting. We feel unsafe, confused and frightened. At this point a meeting ceases to be helpful, and has turned counterproductive. Share guidelines are not meant to control. Rather share guidelines have the purpose of providing the conditions for the optimal healing experience for everyone - sharers and listeners. Second, outside of Meeting Guidelines 6 and 7 mentioned above, there is no restriction concerning the content of our shares. Some people sense that their shares may be too intense for others or that others may feel uncomfortable with what they want to say. When this thought arises, we might begin our share by stating to the Co-Secretaries that we want to share something but are concerned that it may be too intense or that it may make others feel uncomfortable, and that we may need some help to stay within the guidelines. What this introduction to a share does is frees us up. We disclose our need to share something that feels potentially overwhelming and a stretch of the guidelines. At the same time we open ourselves up for support and assistance by the Co-Secretaries to keep us on track. Everyone in the room - sharer, co-secretaries and listening members are all rooting for us, wanting us to succeed. We are all doing the best we can with difficult material. Third, sometimes sharers are intervened upon by the Co-Secretaries, not so much for the content of a share, but rather for the manner, the tone, the flavor by which the share is being presented. For example, if I start shouting and screaming, standing up and moving about in an agitated way, the manner of my share, the style of my share, its tone has turned destructive. The share is no longer productive and helpful. Though it may feel cathartic for me, it has destroyed the sense of safety and soundness of the meeting. When a share veers off course and impinges on the integrity of the meeting, its safety, its predictability, then the share must come to an immediate halt, usually by an intervention of a Co-Secretary. Another example to illustrate manner, flavor, style, nuance of a destructive share is how a sharer goes about disclosing explicit sexually abusive behavior of their perpetrator. Most survivors at some point in their recovery find it helpful to relate what concretely happened - the rape, the seduction, the assault, the badgering, the threats, etc. However, some survivors who may be unaware, lacking in insight into this particular aspect of their lives, might describe the situation in a way that comes across as sexually arousing, as sleazy and slimy, in a manner meant to provoke others within the meeting. We all can probably recall one or two past situations in a meeting when a share moved from describing and relating something from a wrenching heart, to describing and relating material that comes more from the unhealthy part, from the out-of-control part, from the pathological part of self. This type of a share usually seems okay in content, but rather the way, the manner, the flavor of presentation definitely feels and is experienced by the meeting members as inappropriate, unhelpful, not within the spirit of sharing. The reality is that some people who attend ASCA meetings hurt so much that they are often unaware of the way they come across. Though they may not consciously intend to be provocative, they inadvertently are provocative. Provocation of any kind is always inappropriate and is unhelpful in our meetings. Often the intensity of a sharer's rebuttal to a Co-Secretary's intervention is an indication of his/her inappropriateness. Fourth, in turn, not every share that a listener may experience as uncomfortable is inappropriate. There are many things that people might share that are appropriate but that some people may feel uncomfortable. Just because I may feel uncomfortable, uneasy, agitated by a share does not make the share inappropriate or unhelpful. A feeling is a feeling, is a feeling, neither right nor wrong, neither good nor bad. But to make a j udgment about the inappropriateness of a share one must move from feeling to thinking. Does the share violate any of the guidelines? Is the share being presented in a manner that is provocative? If in a concrete way we can not affirm the specifics of the violation, then the share is probably stirring up our own unresolved stuff around the material of the share, therefore we feel uncomfortable, uneasy, agitated, etc. Though uncomfortable, the share is still appropriate. Finally, as stated at the beginning of every ASCA meeting, "by participating in this meeting we all agree to honor and abide by .... any interventions made by the Co- Secretaries." Again, sharing is a two way street. To maintain the integrity of a meeting it is helpful to approach a meeting in a spirit of trusting the Co-Secretaries, of trustingly deferring to the difficult decisions that Co-Secretaries sometimes have to make during a meeting. Again, interventions are made not to control or humiliate, but rather to maintain the integrity of the meeting. Co-Secretaries do the very best that they can. One reason we have two Co-Secretaries is for a check and balance. If you think that you will feel controlled if a Co-Secretary in all honesty and sincerity thinks that he/she needs to intervene on your share, then you might not be ready to participate in ASCA meetings. A measure of good will is helpful when participating in ASCA meetings. Discussing Share Basics might take several meetings to fully explore. Hopefully genuine discussion about sharing will lead to more helpful sharing for sharers and listener, as well as less need for intervention by the Co-Secretaries. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for June: Sadness When we pause and reflect back upon our childhood abuse, sadness usually fills our heart. A heavy sense of sorrow and a kind of weighted fatigue seems to envelop us. Sadness is possibly the boiled down reduced sticky essence of the effects of childhood abuse. No matter how much work we spend on our recovery, no matter how much growth and rej uvenation we experience, when we sit and ponder what happened to us as children of abuse, we will always experience a certain sadness, heavy-heartedness, lowness of spirit. Sadness is a type of mourning that comes in waves, that diminishes with time, but never totally leaves. In a sense there is a part of our heart that will always be fractured due to the betrayal, due to the pain that we experienced in our youth. There are other life experiences that might also weigh down our heart leaving us feeling sad. The death of a loved one, the loss of a significant relationship, the destruction to our lives and bodies caused by chemical dependency, a life threatening illness or a catastrophic accident, are but a few examples of life experiences that leave us saddened, heartbroken, downcast. There are two aspects of sadness that require investigation. One thing is not to fight the sadness. Allowing the sadness to wash over us, like a wave, experiencing its heaviness, j ust allowing ourselves to feel the sadness is helpful.Why? Because what happened is sad and we probably did not have sufficient opportunity to experience the sadness when we were children or teenagers. When we try to fight the sadness, we waste considerable energy. We only deceive ourselves, trying to trick ourselves into thinking that we are not said when we are sad. It's a waste of energy. A good cry is much more rej uvenating than making believe that we are not sad. A second aspect of sadness is that the object of our sadness needs to be placed into perspective within our entire life. Sadness will always be a part of our heart's ache. Yet our heart which has infinite capacity, is also full of many happy, fulfilling, energizing experiences and memories. Balancing the sadness is in a sense to celebrate all that is going well, all that we have accomplished, all that we cherish. It is not denial to say something like, "Yes, it is sad what happened to me, I do feel sad. Yet, there are many things going well for me. I have many wonderful experiences and memories that sustain me, that encourage me, that help me through the day." This is balancing our lives, giving full measure to the sadness but also full measure to the celebration of what is going well. The antidote to sadness and other feelings that may seem negative or uncomfortable, is not to deny them, but rather to cultivate and to balance the other side of the feeling spectrum. We can sometime become lost in the forest of recovery. When our lives focus only or mostly on the past, the negative, the pain, then we lose our balance. We lose perspective. We end up denying the other valuable aspects of our lives. Questions: 1. What are your experiences of sadness as related to your childhood abuse recovery? 2. When do you see yourself denying your sadness? 3. What is a helpful way for you to allow sadness to wash over you? 4. What is your experience of trying to balance the sadness with the celebration of what is going well for you in your life? The New Board of Directors of THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse will formally be introduced through our July issue of ASCA News. We will dedicate most of the issue to introducing the new Board to you. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. 1. Our voice mail system has been significantly revised. In early May we had to move from our elaborate computer based information system to a Pacific Bell voice mail. Only 2 minutes is permissible for a greeting message. We crammed as much as possible into the 2 minute greeting message. We suggest that all Co-Secretaries listen to the voice mail greeting message 4 15.928.4576. If you have any suggestions or comments please contact George Bilotta, georgebilotta@cs.com or 508.835.6054. Next month we will submit a proposal to add individual ASCA meeting voice mail boxes. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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May, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • May 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of Executive Director George Bilotta We have had a stalled Spring this season in New England. With an unseasonably cool April, the flowers and trees seem to be delaying their unfolding. At times there seems to be a similarity with our lives and this delay to Spring. So many things can cool, delay, hamper, impede, suspend our recovery from childhood abuse and thus the unfolding of the kinds of lives that we desire to be living. Hopefully, this May's issue of the ASCA News will provide you with some inspiration, challenge and concrete direction. If you are looking for a little more support for your recovery, our ASCA e-Meeting located on our web site: www.ascasupport.org might be helpful. We started our ASCA e-Meeting in November 1999 and it seems to be evolving well. There are past meetings with shares and feedback that are available to review. Many shares like standard ASCA meetings are inspiring and tackle many of the same difficult issues that we all seem to be facing. If you have not taken the opportunity to participate in our ASCA e-Meetings you might give it a try. It just might be that little something extra for your recovery. Besides our ASCA e-Meetings, past and present, there is a wealth of information on our web site. You can access our Survivor to Thriver manual, even download part or all of the manual. You can review past issues of the ASCA News, and access the ASCA meeting Format and Support Materials. We have a great Resource section which not only connects you to other major US organizations,but contains a discussion on finding local resources for ongoing recovery. With the inauguration of our new Board of Directors, this may be the occasion to think about helping out by volunteering. Various Board members will be chairing work committees and will be looking for people to join. We will keep you up-to-date with volunteer opportunities beginning with July's issue of the ASCA News as Board members start their committees. During the past several months through the monthly articles under A Reflective Moment, I have been encouraging us to use this first year of the new millennium as a reflective period. Through this reflective process we have the potential to enhance the meaning of our daily lives, to adj ust and to nuance what we want our lives to be all about. I believe we do this first by pausing and thinking about fundamental and grounding questions concerning our lives. This month I suggest that we reflect on the values by which we live. If I can ever be of assistance to you, please e-mail me at tmc_asca@dnai.com or telephone me at 508.835.6054. The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment The Values by Which We Live by George Bilotta We often say that we value this, that we value that. A value possesses a particular importance or usefulness for our lives. For example, we may say that we value education, relationships, free time, money, cultivating a loving family environment, or that we value personal characteristics such as integrity, honesty, compassion, kindness, etc. Though as a society we may share many similar values like freedom, democracy, caring for those incapable of taking care of themselves due to sickness, old age, etc., each of us holds special particular values that are unique to our core self, that shape our everyday lives, that define who we are. What we value has a formative influence, i.e., it points us in a specific direction in our lives. Values are like a compass, they help us to find our way, especially when life becomes confusing, overwhelming, hectic, disorienting, etc. If we are unaware of our specific values, the values that form us, that direct our lives, then our values may be more like a compass that has been forgotten at home while we are on a hiking trip. In this manner, our values like a forgotten compass are not helpful when we need them, since we are unaware of what they are. We have forgotten them and how they operate in our lives. If we are unaware of our core values, then they will not provide us with direction, with comfort or encouragement during stormy and stressful periods. They will not be available to help us to rebalance our lives, to regain focus and perspective, to interpret and to give meaning to our lives. Upon reflection we might determine that we may want to cultivate additional values. Though we may have inherited a variety of values from our family, society, friends and organizations with which we were raised, we always have the choice of cultivating additional values that may be more suitable and helpful for our lives today. Questions: 1. What are your six primary or core values? 2. How did these particular values become central to your life? 3. Why do they continue to be core to who you are today? 4. Are there other values that you would like to cultivate in your life? 5. How might you go about cultivating them? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Money & Donations Many people feel awkward and uncomfortable discussing money and finances. These feelings and others can derive from various experiences with money. We may feel somewhat ignorant or inexperienced around money matters. We might have had negative experiences with money, or we do not have sufficient resources for our personal needs and wants. We may have felt used around money, etc. Some view money as power, as a way to manipulate, as a necessary evil, etc. And some people simply prefer not to think and talk about money. In reference to paying for services that assist in our recovery from childhood abuse, many of us feel resentful that we need to pay out of our own pocket for various services to recover from the abuse that was inflicted upon us, that was no fault of our own. We feel resentful that insurance does not cover much of our recovery needs and our perpetrators seldom make amends. In the community based ASCA meetings, the basket is passed around at every meeting for donations. These donations are used to pay the rent, to help pay the ASCA telephone information line, to list the meeting on the web site, and for meeting incidentals like printing, etc. In provider based meetings however, participants pay a set fee to the provider of the meeting. The fee covers the meeting expenses and pays for the provider's time in organizing and facilitating the provider based ASCA meeting. It is probably healthy and helpful for community based ASCA meetings to hold a business meeting on a quarterly basis to address meeting finances through an open discussion. Co-Secretaries do not bear the burden of meeting finances. This is the responsibility of every member. Everyone should be aware of the expenses that the meeting incurs and how much needs to be collected on a weekly basis in order to maintain a financially healthy meeting. Are there any particular money concerns that your meeting needs to address? Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for May Money & Finances Many survivors of childhood abuse as well as people in general have mixed and confusing feelings concerning the matters of money and finances. One of the projects of adulthood is to take care of ourselves financially, usually through employment or through shared family responsibilities as in the case of a parent who attends to the domestic chores though does not earn an income. Often survivors sense that they have been held back from educational opportunities, career possibilities and sometimes j ust the basic ability to maintain steady employment due to their childhood abuse. During our childhood and teen years, we may have been plagued with depression, anxiety, PTSD post traumatic stress disorder, ADD attention deficit disorder, and learning disabilities which hindered our ability to attend to school work. During teen years we may have felt inadequate, not good enough. We may have lacked self- esteem and thus the ability and confidence to experiment with the world around us. If grammar and high school did not go well, we probably did not pursue college or a trade. To mask our pain, we may have used drugs or alcohol to numb the pain and memories. We may have tended to drift, not being able to focus, to set life's priorities, to have a vision for our lives or a dream to pursue. Dealing with money and financial matters can be overwhelming and uncomfortable. In our efforts to come to grips with any unresolved concerns around money and finances the following questions might be helpful to think about. Questions: 1. What are my basic attitudes and feelings concerning money? 2. While growing up, what did I learn about money? 3. How do I use money today? 4. How does having money, or not having money influence my daily life? 5. What unhealthy and unhelpful habits do I have about money? What is their source? 6. What are two or three actions that I need to take in reference to money matters in my life? Poetry The Secret Loss by Leland Pitts, first published in Transfer 1994. I. For my family, there should've been five funerals. In separate seconds we approached ourselves: three car crashes, one near drowning. I prepare by gathering petals and cones, tiny burs, ladybugs. I approach a house in a drained field, windows opaque, wood floors taut and shrunk, haunted with brittle newspapers. I wait. Time backlogs. Cold seeps through weeds. And the counting begins: three four five Drapes begin dancing, smells harvested green and dusty, the moon purges the house with its devastating angle. I write messages on walls: Give us a sign. In the window, a world is framed. II. On Sunday my niece and I visit the ocean. This is dolphin country, she says. Fogged, bottle caps and plastic, invaded. ten eleven twelve Air tingles. My niece nearly without a father. Waves chase each other, come close to overcoming. All the beautiful almosts. twenty-one twenty-two Perhaps the spirit lives outside the body, translucent. Perhaps it swims in a dream, deep among sea ferns and anemones, skin taut and mercurial. Five dolphins emerge, seek a new place. I name each one after members of my family. They hold their breath. twenty-six twenty-seven They drown everyday. Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. 1. The Co-Secretary Training on Saturday, May 6th, has been canceled due to insufficient need and interest. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, by e-mailing him or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. Announcement! Survivorship and Bay Area Women Against Rape present: Honoring Your Story --- Easing Your Journey. A full-day conference for survivors of ritual abuse, sadistic sexual abuse, mind control and torture, pro-survivors, partners, friends and family members traveling beside them on the healing path. Saturday, May 6, 2000, Preservation Park ~ Oakland, California For detailed information and registration contact: Survivorship, PMB 139, 3181 Mission St., San Francisco, CA 94110-4515 e-mail: info@survivorship.org web site: http://www.survivorship.org Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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April, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • April 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of Executive Director George Bilotta With Spring in the air the harshness of cold winter days seems long ago. Looking out my window the number of birds migrating north have dramatically increased over the past few weeks. The Japanese maple tree is full of buds preparing itself to burst forth with leafy life. It's a quiet time with great expectation in the air. Everything is j ust waiting for the warmth of middle Spring to bring forth the full glory of renewed life. During our lives, we seem to experience numerous periods of renewed life, periods of rej uvenation, periods of Spring following a period of hibernation or hardship. The Morris Center for example is moving into another period of renewed life with a new group of dedicated people planning to assume various positions on our Board of Directors later in May. The new Board will consist of many people who have extensive histories with The Morris Center and ASCA, people who know ASCA inside and out. We plan to also bring onto the Board other members who are new to The Morris Center and ASCA who offer talents and specializations which will help to round out our Board. With new faces, new ideas, and renewed energy, we can all anticipate many wonderful things to come about during the second half of 2000, enhancing and complementing everything we are already doing. We will begin introducing new Board member through our May, June and July issues of ASCA News. I will be in San Francisco Friday, May 5th through Monday, May 8th. I will be meeting and working with prospective new Board members. In addition, I am asking the Co-Secretaries to inquire if there is need for a Co-Secretary training that we can schedule for Saturday, May 6th, probably 9:30am to 4:00pm. We would need at least 6 people to sign-up by Monday, April 24th in order for the training to go forward. Any ASCA member can participate in the training. There is a $20 registration fee which includes materials. A sliding scale is also available. If you are interested let us know by either contacting me directly by e-mailing at tmc_asca@dnai.com, or telephoning me at 508.835.6054, or letting your Co- Secretaries know that you want to participate on Saturday, May 6th. We need to know by Monday, April 24th. The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment The Values by Which We Live by George Bilotta We often say that we value this, that we value that. A value possesses a particular importance or usefulness for our lives. For example, we may say that we value education, relationships, free time, money, cultivating a loving family environment, or that we value personal characteristics such as integrity, honesty, compassion, kindness, etc. Though as a society we may share many similar values like freedom, democracy, caring for those incapable of taking care of themselves due to sickness, old age, etc., each of us holds special particular values that are unique to our core self, that shape our everyday lives, that define who we are. What we value has a formative influence, i.e., it points us in a specific direction in our lives. Values are like a compass, they help us to find our way, especially when life becomes confusing, overwhelming, hectic, disorienting, etc. If we are unaware of our specific values, the values that form us, that direct our lives, then our values may be more like a compass that has been forgotten at home while we are on a hiking trip. In this manner, our values like a forgotten compass are not helpful when we need them, since we are unaware of what they are. We have forgotten them and how they operate in our lives. If we are unaware of our core values, then they will not provide us with direction, with comfort or encouragement during stormy and stressful periods. They will not be available to help us to rebalance our lives, to regain focus and perspective, to interpret and to give meaning to our lives. Upon reflection we might determine that we may want to cultivate additional values. Though we may have inherited a variety of values from our family, society, friends and organizations with which we were raised, we always have the choice of cultivating additional values that may be more suitable and helpful for our lives today. Questions: 1. What are your six primary or core values? 2. How did these particular values become central to your life? 3. Why do they continue to be core to who you are today? 4. Are there other values that you would like to cultivate in your life? 5. How might you go about cultivating them? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Co-Secretary Interventions One of the duties of a Co-Secretary during an ASCA meeting is to intervene if any of the guidelines or the spirit of ASCA are being crossed, ignored, or disregarded. Co-secretaries report that intervening during a meeting is the most difficult, scary and most undesirable aspect of being a Co-Secretary. It would be helpful to remember that Co-Secretaries do the best they can. They deserve our support, understanding and cooperation. There are two purposes of an intervention. The first purpose is to stop a behavior that is ignoring our guidelines. The second purpose is to maintain the safety, integrity and consistency of the meeting. Co-Secretaries intervene because something seems to be askew and the Co-Secretaries make their best effort to rectify the situation. Sometimes a guideline is crossed unknowingly and other times a guideline is crossed on purpose usually to provoke. The more common intervention is with a participant who is doing something unknowingly, out of ignorance perhaps of our guidelines. Sometimes a participant may ask a question while giving a share to which the Co-Secretary responds to help clarify. In the rare situation that a participant knowingly and purposefully violates a guideline, the situation needs to be taken seriously. The person needs to reconsider what he/she is doing and if ASCA is appropriate for him/her. ASCA meetings are not group process psychotherapy sessions, but rather a communal support group whereby members agree to cooperate and adhere to the ASCA guidelines, to be respectful. An ASCA meeting is not a place to act out. It is a setting to receive and give support. A person who is not willing or is not capable of adhering to our ASCA guidelines and spirit, is not a suitable candidate for participation in ASCA. ASCA meetings have limitations as a support program. It is not designed to deal with people who do not want to join cooperatively or who are not capable of abiding by the ASCA guidelines and spirit. Co-Secretaries intervene to maintain the safety, integrity and consistency of the meetings. They do not intervene to be mean, or to humiliate, or to scold. In these difficult situations, they do the best they can for the common good. During an ASCA meeting the Co-Secretaries are the final arbiters. Co-Secretaries are not perfect. It takes time to cultivate the skills of an experienced Co-Secretary. So if a Co-Secretary makes an intervention, doing the best that he/she can, we encourage participants to refrain from j udgment, to cooperate and to discuss the situation with the Co-Secretary following the conclusion of the meeting. Your ASCA meeting may want to plan a business meeting in the near future to discuss the role of Co-Secretary and interventions. Co-Secretaries might describe what it feels like to intervene. Participants may describe what it feels like to be intervened on. The membership might discuss how to be supportive and cooperative during an intervention. What is usually helpful? What is usually unhelpful? Poetry Broken Words by James Daniel, Copyright 1999 Frozen words heavily encrusted With betrayal fall from my hands And crush my toes. Ouch! That hurt. Promises once made I could No longer bear the weight of Lie in pieces 'round my feet. Words entrusted to me by The kings and queens of Empty promises. Words I was naive enough To believe in, to find hope in, To elope with, now in pieces At my feet. Interesting. I'll move on eventually Probably when my toes Stop hurting a bit First let me dig my heels into These bits of sentences around me Separate the letters from the words Thaw out the bitterness Extract the innocence. There. That's better. Now I'll remember not to accept Others' words so readily And not to lie to myself so much And know that words are only words They're not that important, really And they don't have to rhyme (At least not this time.) There. Good. I feel better. Thanks for listening. I'm outta here. See ya later. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for April Exploring Relationships Many survivors of childhood abuse acknowledge that establishing, fostering and continuing relationships in their many and diverse forms is challenging, frustrating and scary. On the other hand most people in general, find relationships difficult and problematic as well. For us survivors, special concerns around trust, consistency, manipulation, as well as physical and emotional intimacy contribute as some of the stumbling blocks prohibiting healthy, satisfying and fulfilling relationships. In relationships, we participate in a process of connecting and joining with another person or with a group of people. To begin exploring what relationships are all about for us, it might be helpful to examine and elaborate on the following questions. Questions: 1. What are my unique gifts that I have to offer in a relationship -- as a spouse/partner, a friend, a collegial coworker, a parent, a family member, a neighbor, etc.? 2. What are the five major nonnegotiable characteristics that must exist within a relationship in order for me to connect and to join the relationship, e.g., mutual respect, etc.? 3. What are the five major behaviors that will exclude me from continuing in a relationship, e.g. physical violence, etc.? 4. What did I learn about relationships during my childhood and teenage years? 5. When I say that I want to be in a relationship, what am I looking for in that relationship? How would I articulate what I am looking for? Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. 1. Remember that the fee for the 2nd Quarter of 2000 for listing your meeting on our web site is presently due. Make your $10 check payable to The Morris Center and mail to: The Morris Center, 1537 Franklin St. #307, San Francisco, CA, 94114 -4581. 2. For the San Francisco Bay area ASCA meetings, the $15 fee for the 2nd Quarter of 2000 for the ASCA telephone voice mail listing is also presently due. Please forward your payment of $15 payable to: Dorothy Boerste. Mail to Dorothy Boerste, 1537 Franklin St. #307, San Francisco, CA, 94114 . 3. If there are members of your group who want to participate in the Co- Secretary training in San Francisco on Saturday, May 6th, please let George Bilotta know by Monday, May 24th. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, by e-mailing him or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. Announcement! Survivorship and Bay Area Women Against Rape present: Honoring Your Story --- Easing Your Journey. A full-day conference for survivors of ritual abuse, sadistic sexual abuse, mind control and torture, pro-survivors, partners, friends and family members traveling beside them on the healing path. Saturday, May 6, 2000, Preservation Park ~ Oakland, California For detailed information and registration contact: Survivorship, PMB 139, 3181 Mission St., San Francisco, CA 94110-4515 e-mail: info@survivorship.org web site: http://www.survivorship.org Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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March, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • March 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of Executive Director George Bilotta Winter's severity seems to be receding. Looking out my window, the intensity of cold and snow is steadily and reassuringly melting away revealing patches of snowless landscape. Each passing day thaws winter's dormancy and prepares the earth for the first signs of spring. Catalogues containing every conceivable plant, shrub and flower arrive in the mail as an encouraging sign that spring is close at hand. Employing the image of winter subsiding, suggests an image concerning our past abuse and movement into initial recovery. Winter, like child abuse, froze and numbed us. It constricted our growth. It paralyzed our ability to move-on with our lives as children, teenagers and adults. It stunted us from evolving and developing in the usual and normal way. Like late winter, the intensity of the big freeze dwindles, giving way to initial thawing. Trees and shrubs begin to energize themselves. The tapping of sugar maple trees announce that the sap, the life blood of the maple tree is flowing once again. Similarly, each of us in the initial stages of our recovery move from the deep freeze of abuse to the slow thawing that gives way to recognizing and moving into recovery. Literally, we begin to thaw and tentatively start feeling. Many survivors sense that they are not growing, moving, getting on with their lives, that they remain in the deep freeze of winter. Yet there are initial signs of new life, renewed energy, regenerated ways of seeing, hearing, feeling. These are small signs of hope. To some extent this is what Step Two: I have determined that I was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child is describing. For various reasons we begin to thaw, moving out of the deep freeze and into the initial stages of recovery. We acknowledge that we were abused and in Step Three announce that I have made a commitment to recovery from my childhood abuse. Looking for the signs of hope that appear in our early stages of recovery, can encourage and energize us. When we acknowledge that there is some movement, we note that we are capable of growing, of renewing our lives. It all takes time, patience and courage. We might reflect and ask ourselves: what are the encouraging signs that reveal and point to our growth in initial recovery? The following brief article is a continuation of our monthly series focused on pondering some of life's basic questions. A Reflective Moment Life is a daily struggle or part of the meaning of life is to struggle by George Bilotta As we introduced in January and again last month, I think it is worthwhile to spend some of our time reflecting on some of life's most fundamental questions and issues as we slowly move into a new millennium. Last month we discussed "What is life asking of us?" This month we raise another basic issue - life is a struggle. We often hear people mention that life is a struggle for them. They interpret and experience life as a burden, as difficult, as a grind, full of stress, full of effort and exertion. As a survivor of child abuse, we might say "what do you expect?" Many people have a perception that life should be without burden, easy, stress free, effortless. Many people think that the ideal life would be easy, full of comfort, without conflict, without labor or exertion. We hear some people say "if only I had a better job, if only I had more money, if only I had a better home, if only I had a better family, if only I had not been raped as a child, humiliated as a child, beaten as a child." Part of the meaning of life is to struggle, is to accept life as a daily ongoing struggle. Many people interpret struggle as a negative, that they should not have to struggle, or at least not have to struggle as much as they do. When we struggle with life's daily demands, we use our energy to accomplish something. In trying to accomplish we grow, mature, move toward that which we desire. To struggle is also to confront difficulties and do something to overcome them. We use our energy in a positive manner to deal with the many hassles, difficulties, conflicts, troubles and stresses of a usual day. To struggle is to experience our aliveness. If we can frame our everyday struggles in a positive rather than a negative manner, and to balance the energy we exercise in our daily struggles with self-nurturing, then to struggle with life might lead to increased engagement, excitement and commitment. Perhaps one way to wrap ourselves around the issue of life as a struggle is to ask ourselves are we struggling against or struggling toward? A frame of mind that is struggling against seems defensive, hunkered down, guarded and closed. Those with a frame that represents struggling toward seem open, receptive, creative and energized. How do you frame that life is a struggle? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Telephone Support Sign-Up Many, but not all, ASCA meetings pass around the Telephone Support Sign- Up sheet at the beginning and end of the meeting. The sign-up sheet states: Signing this list is totally voluntary. If you want to volunteer as a telephone support person during the week, please print your name and telephone number. During the last part of our meeting, the phone list will be passed around again. At that time members can copy down numbers of individuals that they want to stay in contact with for this week. At the end of the meeting, the list will be destroyed. Your name will be active only for the time between meetings. What is a support person? A support person is a member of the ASCA meeting who volunteers to be available by phone to receive calls from another member of the ASCA meeting who may need support during the week, between meetings. The volunteer generously gives of his/her time to be supportive of another ASCA member in need for that week only. However, even though a person has volunteered, if his/her circumstances change during the week, he/she has no obligation to continue to be a support person. If this should happen and someone calls, the volunteer might simply say something like, "I'm sorry but my situation has changed and I am not in a position to function as a support person this week. You might want to call The Morris Center for more immediate support." The Telephone Support Sign-Up procedure operates on the honor system. Names and telephone numbers taken from the list should only be used to request support via the telephone. They should never be used for personal gain like soliciting a date. This is not a social listing but a list for support. Trust is a basic concern for all survivors. Misuse of the list erodes trust and hinders our recovery. Poetry Crooked by James Daniel, Copyright 1999 There was a crooked man Who grew from crooked stock Who never could recover From his post-tramatic shock. When he was very young Ma beat him with her gun. Pop tore him all apart 'Til he had to close his heart. He grew up asymmetric'ly, Circuits closed electric'ly Stiff with pained anxiety Betrayed by his own piety. No one wanted him With their eyes They j ust saw Damaged merchandise. And when he tried to fantasize 'Twas always j ust the same reprise Of crooked cries and crooked tears To straighten a bit the crooked years. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for March Courage: Recovery's Adhesive Courage is usually defined as a quality of spirit or mind that permits a person to confront fear and/or danger with confidence and bravery. Many books and articles which elaborate on recovery from child abuse mention the need for courage in order to pursue recovery. Courage does not eliminate nor diminish the feelings of fear, apprehension, anxiety, uneasiness, dread, etc. Courage does not remove nor lessen the dangers that we face throughout recovery, the possibility of rejection, the denial of others, the betrayal of family, the general minimization by society, etc. Rather courage is that type of spirit-filled energy, that focused and determination of mind, that helps us to stand our ground, to speak the truth, to re- experience the world with new eyes and ears, with an open heart and an open mind. As a quality of spirit or mind, courage is something that requires cultivation. We cultivate courage by spending time during the week dwelling and reflecting on the various aspects of courage. We imagine what it feels like to be full of courage. We review past situations in which we acted courageously. We anticipate upcoming encounters that will require mustering up our courage. We practice by roll playing scenarios either in our minds or with others that involve us being courageous. Questions: 1. What is your experience of courage? 2. What do you sense is the role of courage in your recovery efforts? 3. On a practical level, what can you do to foster courage in your daily life? Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, by e-mailing him or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. Announcement! "The Third Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference" will be held on August 5 and 6, 2000 at the DoubleTree Hotel at Bradley International Airport (between Hartford, CT and Springfield, MA). The purpose of the conference will be to help survivors of ritual abuse and to help stop future occurrences of ritual abuse and mind control. The conference will be for survivors, co-survivors, helping professionals and others interested in the above topic. For more information write S.M.A.R.T., PO Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027- 1295 USA E-mail: smartnews@aol.com, Current conference information is also available at: http://members.aol.com/smartnews/smart-2000-conference.htm Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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February, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • February 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of Executive Director George Bilotta As we move deeply into the middle of winter there seems to be a chilling silence outside my window. I have noticed that the birds who usually dine at the backyard feeder stay away when the temperature dips below freezing. Recently several snow storms have blanketed the area with a deep cover of white. Even the wind sounds cold and void. Yet as I look at the leafless oriental maple tree outside my window, hundreds of dormant buds clearly grace the tree's branches. This beautiful magnificent tree though numbed into inactivity by winter's bitter chill, still retains its innate potential to eventually unfold into its splendor and glory. Analogously, it seems that our past childhood abuse was a bitter chill that numbed into inactivity part of the splendor and beauty of who we are. Though many routinely feel the chill of low-self esteem, depression, anxiety, self-doubt, confusion, etc., we still retain our innate potential to fully unfold into the wonderful, talented, energized and caring people that comprise the core of who we are. Perhaps when we experience some of the ongoing consequences in our everyday lives from the numbing chill of our past abuse, we might try to view the yet to unfold buds that adorn us interiorly and exteriorly. Pausing to see and feel the parts of us that have yet to unfold in their fulness, can often instill a sense of hope and encouragement. It can bring comfort and reassurance. As we slowly work our recovery and incrementally raise the temperature of our inner environment, a fuller unfolding of who we are continues to emerge. In this issue of the ASCA News, there are the usual month's suggestions for the rotation C ASCA meeting topic and an ongoing education moment. In addition, there is a poem submitted by James Daniel and a new column, "A Reflective Moment" which I plan to continue every month. As I mentioned in January, the turn of the millennium seems to call us to respond differently from our usual approach to dealing with life. Instead of moving immediately into action, through this new column I want to encourage all to a year of pausing and reflecting on some of the foundational issues that our lives rest upon. My long awaited trip to San Francisco has finally been arranged for early March. I plan to visit any ASCA meeting that would find it beneficial for me to attend. Perhaps at the meetings I attend we could have a business meeting so there will be time to address any issues or concerns. I will be in contact with all the oo- secretaries during the next couple weeks. A Reflective Moment The Pause that Refreshes by George Bilotta There are fundamental questions concerning life that we all respond to in one way or another. Some people by pausing and reflecting over a period of time and by repeatedly revisiting the question(s) respond directly to life's questions. Other people tend to respond indirectly, in that they rarely think about the questions. They seldom if ever pause to ponder, to speculate, to consider fundamental questions. The answers we give to such questions point us in certain directions as we pass through life. Consequently some people travel through life with a compass, with confidence, with direction. Others, who do not spend the time to pause and reflect, often seem to be lost or seem to wander without purpose, without direction. How a question is phrased, or how to ask the more precise question, is also important. Even the phrasing of a fundamental life question already points us in a certain direction. For example, we are sometimes asked, "What do you want to get out of life? Or we might ask ourselves, "what do I want out of life?" At first glance this seems to be a basic question to which we should respond. Yet the question is already slanting us in a specific direction, the direction of the "I", the "ego", the "me first". When we live our lives from an "ego" perspective, from the "I" perspective, from the "me" perspective, it tends to narrow our view of the world, it tend to reduce the possibilites. It is more like looking through a tube. We can not view the totality of what is around us when we view life through a tube. Alternatively, perhaps the primary question could be phrased, "to what does life call me, or what does life ask of me? I think this is the more foundational question. When stated in this manner, it requires that one turn 360 degrees in order to take in all the possibilities. It is truly an open question and a thorough investigation, rather than the previous question that tends to be narrowing and somewhat closed. I think that our recovery efforts are encouraged or stymied by which fundamental question concerning life we ask, and to which we respond. Life is larger than any one individual person. Life encompasses, intertwines and interacts on some level with everything that has preceded us and everything that presently lives around us. We are not isolated segments of reality, but rather part of a great dynamic force that perpetuates all life in its various wonderful forms. As I mentioned last month, I think it is worthwhile to spend some of our time reflecting on some of life's most fundamental questions as we slowly move into a new millennium. So perhaps during the month you might dwell on the question - "What is life asking of you?" ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Art of Supportive Feedback Supportive feedback, as an art form, increases our ability to be gracious people. It is a skill that we can learn and promote in our daily lives. For our ASCA meetings, supportive feedback helps to build community within the meeting, adding a sense of cohesiveness, understanding and compassion. For our daily lives, the art of supportive feedback is an essential communication skill. Increasing our ability to provide supportive feedback enhances the quality of our relationships within the family, workplace, with friends and at play. As an art-filled skill, supportive feedback, is a particular way or stance of being in the world. People who have cultivated the art of supportive feedback move through their day effortlessly and spontaneously being supportive of others and in turn themselves. Developing the art of supportive feedback is helpful for people who may be prone to egoism, narcissism, navel gazing, and/or have an imbalance between the "me" and the "we". It helps to round off those rough edges about ourselves. As stated in our ASCA Meeting Handout, supportive feedback is the only type of feedback permitted in our meetings. "Supportive comments include statements that are empathetic, nurturing, encouraging, affirming, and/or validating. Supportive feedback is not a time to give a mini-share. It is an opportunity to say something supportive directly to the presenter..." One way to promote the development of supportive feedback is to make a conscious choice every morning for a week to go out of our way to be supportive to specific people in our lives. Conscious practice helps to cultivate the art of supportive feedback in our lives. Poetry Son of Daddy Gander by James Daniel, Copyright 1999 The Son of Daddy Gander Was not his Father's son Nor was he the offspring Of his cold Medusa mum. He must have come from some place To which they's never been. He never come a-knockin' But somebody let him in. They tried to force him Into a mold They wanted to make him Just one of the fold But he was stubborn And that made them mad. Wanting to be him Got labeled him "bad". They broke his legs, Then gave him crutches Just so he'd stay In their clutches. Never to fly Too close to the sun Never to know An iota of fun. Except when he writes To escape from his plights And remembers in tidbits The places he's from And can see on the paper The real himself some. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for February Depression: The Yoke of Childhood Abuse We all know, though it differs from person to person, what depression feels like: the energylessness, the lethargy, without purpose, the dread, the disinterest in life, etc. Depression is perhaps the single most universal feeling and experience that survivors of childhood abuse tend to share with each other. Depression's insidiousness creeps into our very core, coating and cooling our being, our spirit like a winter's ice storm coating, freezing and encasing anything uncovered and unprotected. Questions: 1. What are the usual characteristics of your style of depression? 2. At this stage of recovery, how does depression creep up on you? 3. Are there situations in your life that promote and/or increase your depression? 4. When depression zaps you, how do you go about soothing yourself? 5. Looking back on past episodes and experiences of depression, was there anything that helped to lift the depression? Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. Remember that the fee for the 1st Quarter of 2000 for listing your meeting on our web site is presently due. For information concerning this refer to the last paragraph in the "ASCA Meeting List" section of our web page. For the San Francisco Bay area ASCA meetings, the $15 fee for the 1st Quarter of 2000 to support the ASCA telephone voice mail listing is also presently due. Please forward your payment of $15 payable to: Dorothy Boerste. Mail to Dorothy Boerste, 1537 Franklin St. #307, San Francisco, CA, 94109. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, by e-mailing him or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. Announcement! "The Third Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference" will be held on August 5 and 6, 2000 at the DoubleTree Hotel at Bradley International Airport (between Hartford, CT and Springfield, MA). The purpose of the conference will be to help survivors of ritual abuse and to help stop future occurrences of ritual abuse and mind control. The conference will be for survivors, co-survivors, helping professionals and others interested in the above topic. For more information write S.M.A.R.T., PO Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027- 1295 USA E-mail: smartnews@aol.com, Current conference information is also available at: http://members.aol.com/smartnews/smart-2000-conference.htm Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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January, 2000 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • January 2000 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of Executive Director George Bilotta With the holiday season now a memory, and the inaugural hoopla of ushering in the millennium completed, we settle down and look forward to the possibilities and challenges that the year 2000 will offer. The onset of a new year, of a new century and millennium marks a unique sign in our life's journey. Involuntarily, we join an historical transition. For many people it only means more of the same. For other people who will wholeheartedly embrace this period as a reflective time of renewal, it means hope, possibilities, resolution, growth and adventure. I have never been one for new year's resolutions. It does not fit my character or timing. However, I do believe that there can be something uniquely different about the first year of a new millennium. It j ust seems that it is auspiciously potent with possibilities, of thinking differently, of behaving differently, of trying different ways, of approaching life differently, of embracing our daily routines from a different perspective. Ultimately, I think this year offers opportunities to enhance the meaning of our daily lives, to adj ust and nuance what we want our lives to be all about. Instead of making this year a year of doing, maybe this year would be better used as a year of pausing and reflecting on what we really want our lives to be all about. This is a fundamental and grounding question. What do I want my life to be all about? What is life calling me to be? Maybe through the monthly ASCA News I will try to develop this theme for us to reflect upon and to share insights with one another. If you have not tried our new ASCA e-Meeting, you might give it a try. Just log onto our web site at www.ascasupport.org and click on ASCA e-Meeting. Also, I am planning to be in San Francisco in mid-February. I will try to come around to all the ASCA meetings during that time to touch base with everyone. I will be in touch with the co-secretaries. Peace and blessings for the coming year! ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Guideline #5: We ask that no one attend our meeting under the influence of alcohol or drugs, unless the medication is prescribed by a physician. We are all well aware that many survivors of childhood abuse have become chemically addicted or tend to abuse alcohol, drugs and food. Alcohol and drugs, as well as food and work, etc. are often used by survivors to lessen and numb the pain. We sometime use them to escape from the reality of the past and the discomfort of the present. Many have worked through and/or persist in working on their sobriety as they continue their journey of recovery from childhood abuse. To attend an ASCA meeting under the influence of alcohol or a drug not prescribed by a physician is not helpful nor respectful to either self nor to others attending the ASCA meeting. Even a single glass of wine or one beer can alter our mood and feelings. We should try to come to our ASCA meetings not only unaltered from chemical substances but also from anything else that would tend to alter or numb our mood or feelings. Leaping Upon the Mountains: Men Proclaiming Victory over Sexual Child Abuse A new book by Michael Lew As therapists, survivors, allies, or simply caring humans, it is essential to contradict destructive ideas; we must search for messages that reflect the reality of human strength, caring, resilience, courage, creativity and love. I'm not suggesting denial; we cannot ignore grim realities of life. But there is far more to human existence than unhappiness. The world is richly beautiful, infinitely diverse - and so are we. -- Mike Lew, from Leaping Upon the Mountains When the ground breaking Victims No Longer was released in 1988, it challenged widespread misconceptions about male victimization. This revolutionary work continues to provide hope, understanding and essential advice for healing to the millions of men who are survivors of boyhood sexual trauma and those who care about them. Leaping Upon the Mountains, Mike Lew's long awaited second book focuses on the reality of recovery. Its information comes directly from the experts - male survivors who have engaged in a visible process of change - courageously, persistently, and triumphantly. Presenting the first real investigation of what male survivors themselves identify as most important during various stages of their recovery, Leaping Upon the Mountains contains powerfully moving contributions from hundreds of men of all ages and backgrounds throughout the United States and 45 other countries. This book is about the successes. Its contributors speak eloquently and persuasively of the reality of recovery. It is not a work of fiction, but a compilation of many truths, many realities - a quilt, pieced together from men's experiences - forming an impressively triumphant pattern. Taken together, they state, lucidly and forcefully, that recovery work produces changes that are real, important, and permanent. Leaping Upon the Mountains is a celebration of successful recovery. For information about ordering Leaping Upon the Mountains and Small Wonder Books and the Next Step Counseling, visit their Web site at: http://www.abbington.com/smallwonder/index.html, or send $19.94 plus $4 postage per book for shipping to: Small Wonder Books, PO Box 1146, Jamaica Plain, MA 02130. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for January Looking Forward: Forming the Future Throughout the year, transitional dates like New Year's Day, a birthday, an anniversary; or events like a graduation, geographic relocation, a birth or death, provide us with events with which to pause and reflect, to assess and dream. These moments encourage us to look forward and to imagine what the future can hold for us. In looking forward, in imagining our future we initially lay the groundwork, the basic formation for tomorrow's future, next month's future, next year's future... Balance between looking back, especially concerning our past childhood abuse, and looking forward to the lives that we would like and deserve to have, and the kind of person we would like to be, can be challenging. It is difficult, some would say almost impossible, to look forward to our future, when we have not fully disclosed the story, the people and events of our past abuse. Usually it is the secret, the hidden, the closed, the suppressed that becomes the major obstacle to imagining and forming our future. Looking forward and forming our future does not necessitate nor require resolving, healing, fixing, reconciling or rectifying all the various elements from our past abuse. As long as we have thoroughly told our story, we no longer use our daily life energies to hide, suppress, deny. Forming our future has more to do with the practical everyday scenarios of planting seeds, of taking concrete steps, of doing. Questions: 1. What occasions or events tend to encourage you to pause, to reflect, to assess, to dream about your future? 2. How do you negotiate the balance between looking back and looking forward? 3. What are you doing to pause, to reflect, to plant seeds, to take steps to form your future? Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. Remember that the fee for the 1st Quarter of 2000 for listing your meeting on our web site is presently due. For information concerning this refer to the last paragraph in the "ASCA Meeting List" section of our web page. Make your $10 check payable to The Morris Center and mail to: The Morris Center, 173 Malden Street, West Boylston, MA, 01583. For the San Francisco Bay area ASCA meetings, the $15 fee for the 1st Quarter of 2000 for the ASCA telephone voice mail listing is also presently due. Please forward your payment of $15 payable to: Dorothy Boerste. Mail to Dorothy Boerste, 1537 Franklin St. #307, San Francisco, CA, 94109. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, Executive Director, by e-mailing him or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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December, 1999 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • December 1999 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of Executive Director George Bilotta I am pleased to announce that our new ASCA e-Meeting program is presently operational on our web site. As we acquire experience with this alternative and creative mode of ASCA, there will be adj ustments and tweaking to insure maximum gain for participants. So check it out, use it as part of your ongoing recovery plan, and give us some feedback. Our biggest single challenge, as usual, is getting the word out concerning Internet ASCA. We need to increase the number of shares and the rich variety that many shares offer to establish Internet ASCA's viability and efficacy. In this way it is similar to starting-up a standard ASCA meeting, i.e., promotion and encouraging people to try the meeting. It would be a big (like humongous) help and a leap forward if sometime during the month of December every ASCA member who has access to the world wide web would submit a brief share and/or some feedback to a share. I think Internet ASCA has exceptional potential as an adjunct to recovery. Looking out my window not a single leaf remains on the red maple tree that stands sentry like outside my study. The last days of Fall are giving way to the inevitability of the coming winter's dormancy, cold, and snow. With the onset of a few snow flurries the other day, I purchased my first set of snow tires in about 25 years. Talk about a reality check. Yet there is a quiet beauty of pre-snow days in New England. The warmth of the sun's rays on a clear day is welcomely and appreciatively soaked in. With the yard raked of its leaves, and the gardens and grass cut short for their winter's rest, there is an accepted preparedness for the anticipated freeze and sleep of winter to come. December fills its days with the anticipation of the end of the year holidays which for many survivors is a mixed bag. The joy, festivities and meaning of the holidays often gives way to sadness, resentment and depression. A rule of thumb for us during this season might be to give ourselves an extra scoop of loving everyday. Do something special for yourself everyday during the month of December. Another rule of thumb might be to only do what you want to do, and join only in that which you want to participate. Sometimes friends, family and coworkers might exert pressure to join certain activities in which we do not care to participate. Say "thank you, but no", and go off and do that special something for yourself. Remember it is your holiday season and you can do whatever you want with it. I want to take the occasion of this season of hope and anticipation to wish you peace during this annual period of good cheer and good will to all. We have had another successful year at The Morris Center and ASCA because of the many dedicated people contributing their time, energy and talent. We are primarily a volunteer organization and without the good will of so many people, ASCA and our other programs simply could not exist. Thank you for being there and Happy Holidays! ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Guideline #4: What you hear today is told in confidence and should not be repeated outside this meeting. During an ASCA meeting we take participants into our confidence. We share a mutual expectation that people in attendance will extend to each other reciprocal support and respect. Within an ASCA meeting we have faith and trust that members will do no harm to us. In fact, we anticipate that members will gently hold whatever we express, as they would caress a vulnerable infant. Repeating something from the meeting to another person outside the meeting is a breach of confidence. Repeating something that directly or indirectly violates a person's anonymity is a gross violation of that person's confidence. It is okay to discuss with others one's own share but not the shares of others. It is okay to discuss with others themes that come up in a meeting. Naturally, these themes would be discussed from one's own personal perspective and would not include confidential information from others. Book Announcement Multiple Journeys to One: Spiritual Stories of Integrating from Dissociative Identity Disorder by co-author Terry Popp Can ten, fifty, a hundred autonomous personalities live within one body? Multiple Journeys to One: Spiritual Stories of Integrating from Dissociative Identity Disorder offers eight stories that cover eight modes of dissociation, alter systems, processes of integration/fusion, forms of wholeness, and expressions of spirituality. Some of the writers' backgrounds include incest, familial torture, Satanic Ritual Abuse, and programming. All involve mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse at a young age. The book focuses on the integration/fusion process rather than on the abuse. The writers trust that within their stories will be found a connection that leads to hope, strength, insight, inspiration, and a unifying spirituality. The role of spirituality and the journey to self acceptance and love of all our aspects, mirrors the healing of our dissociated planet and a return to an integrated global consciousness. Our goal in gathering these narratives was to present a sufficient number of writers to adequately cover some of the diverse experiences of multiplicity and the integration process, and to give readers an idea of what these are like viewed from different perspectives and backgrounds. Not only will Multiple Journeys to One be of help to those who are still multiples, but it will allow those who have completed this phase of the process to acknowledge and honor their accomplishments. The book will also be a source of information for partners, therapists, and anyone interested in learning more about multiplicity and the role spirituality can play in healing. Multiple Journeys to One may be purchased directly from the publishers at danserpents@j uno.com, P.O. Box 8115 Santa Rosa, CA 95407-1115, or http://www.sonic.net/~tpath. It is also available through http://www.amazon.com, select bookstores in the San Francisco Bay Area, and Book People's Distributors, Oakland, CA. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for December Holidays: Lost & Found Holidays often evoke the full range of feelings for many survivors of childhood abuse. Usually a puzzling mixture of hurt and sad-ness, joy and warmth, shame and loneliness, acceptance and hope, anxiety and depression, pleasure and wonder, dread and tension, etc. wells up within our being. These feelings and accom- panying memories almost feel embedded in our bodies, our spirit, encased within the very fiber of who we are. For many survivors holidays bring nothing but dread, resentment, anguish and unhappiness. Yet other survivors have managed to instill the holidays with aliveness, generosity, compassion, joy and enthusiasm, a renewed spirit. Part of the holiday spirit seems to have been lost, some would say stolen. What did we lose? What was stolen from us? We lostout on part of a child's innocence, joyfulness and wonder. Many lost out on cherished, sustaining and nurturing memories. Many have lost the holiday spirit itself, with its warmth, reassurance, and sense of hope. Yet, most of us look and yearn for something more from the holidays. We want to experience some of the season's joy, hope, warmth and enthusiasm. Many of us need to reconfigure, re-manage, rewire a renewed sense of holiday spirit. Holidays seem to have something to do with spirit, that intangible flavor for life. The keys to finding and reclaiming the holidays for ourselves seems to rest on what do we want from the holidays and how do we begin to regenerate for ourselves a sense of holiday spirit. Holidays were lost. But they can be found and enjoyed again. Questions: 1. What do the holidays evoke in you? 2. What did you lose? What was stolen from you in reference to the holidays? 3. What are you looking for in reference to the holidays? 4. What might be some of the things that you need to do to renew for yourself a sense of holiday spirit? Co-Secretary Update Any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings are included in this section of the ASCA NEWS. In addition, Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting should be downloading the ASCA NEWS. It is then duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. Remember that the fee for the 1st Quarter of 2000 for listing your meeting on our web site is due the end of December. For information concerning this refer to the last paragraph in the "ASCA Meeting List" section of our web page. Make your $10 check payable to The Morris Center and mail to: The Morris Center . 173 Malden Street . West Boylston . MA . 01583. For the San Francisco Bay area ASCA meetings, the $15 fee for the 1st Quarter of 2000 for the ASCA telephone voice mail listing is also due the end of December. Please forward your payment of $15 payable to: Dorothy Boerste. Mail to Dorothy Boerste . 537 Franklin Street . #307 . San Francisco . CA . 94109. George B would like to be in telephone contact with all co-secretaries during the month of December to j ust touch base with everyone. Also I want to discuss my visit to San Francisco in late February or early March, 2000. If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, Executive Director, by e-mailing him or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. I want to thank all the ASCA participants who have taken on the duties of co- secretaries during the past year for your generosity and hard work. You are the people who have allowed ASCA to touch many people. Thank you for making your meeting possible. Thank you for giving of your time, energy and talents. Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |
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November, 1999 (pdf) |
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[The source for this issue is an archived web page, not a PDF.] ASCA NEWS November 1999 THE MORRIS CENTER for healing from child abuse phone: 415.928.4576 e-mail: tmc_asca@dnai.com web: www.ascasupport.org Notes from Executive Director, George Bilotta, PhD As I view the backyard through the window panes of my study, I regrettably concede that the brilliant colors of October are quickly fading, giving away to brownish tones and thinning branches. It has been a glorious array of festive colors and autumn smells this past month. We had our Indian summer two weeks ago. There is a definite chill that now hangs in the air. The leaves are swirling about and my lighter weight jacket has receded into the back of the closet with the wool coming forward. Recently, I loaded up on our web site a new section - Resources: Some practical everyday resources for adult survivors. Our resource listing will always be a work-in-progress with ongoing updates as new resources are discovered and older resources change. Our resource list is designed to be current, practical and user-friendly. It is fashioned for survivors who want practical everyday resources to help them with their ongoing process of recovery. Our resource page seems to offer something new and helpful, rather than just a compendium of resource sites. If you have a moment, tap into our new resource page. Let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions. My projects for November include inaugurating our Internet ASCA Meeting. I will also focus some of my time on contacting as many survivor organizations as possible to encourage them to inform their membership about our new web site and what it has to offer for their members or clientele. Additionally, I will take this opportunity to ask that they update our information on their web site or add us to their web site referral listing. If you ever come across a web site that has inaccurate or outdated information about The Morris Center and/or ASCA, e-mail me with the information. I will contact them with the updated information for their web site. Finally, I will be writing an article about The Morris Center and ASCA for the January/February edition of The Chorus, the newsletter of VOICES In Action. I did not receive much of a response to October's question concerning what does it mean to recover, heal from childhood abuse. Consequently, I have nothing to report concerning a summary of what others think. I will try something like this again at a future time. To conclude, if you are interested in helping to inaugurate our Internet ASCA Meeting by writing a short share to be posted on our web site, just go to our web site: www.ascasupport.org and click on "Internet ASCA Meeting" for guidelines to submitting a share for the Internet ASCA Meeting. Happy Thanksgiving!. The holidays will soon be upon us. 1/5 ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Guideline #3: This is an anonymous meeting. Only first names are used. ASCA meetings and the ASCA program follow standard guidelines concerning anonymity. Participants in ASCA have no obligation to reveal their name or anything specific about who they are. The only requirement for participation in ASCA is that we self-identify as survivors of childhood abuse: physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse or neglect. During the meeting only first names are used. Even a pseudonym is okay. Anonymity respects the boundaries of participants. We are all in various stages of recovery. Some stages and some people require more anonymity than others. Respectful anonymity also extends beyond ASCA meetings. Outside of official meeting business, i.e., co- secretaries conferring with each other, or with other members of the ASCA meeting group concerning ASCA meeting business, participants should not be contacting each other unless explicit permission has been specifically given by the person being contacted. Many friendships will form between long-term ASCA members which is a wonderful and natural evolution of being part of a long-term group. When friendships have developed, permission to contact each other is extended both implicitly and explicitly. Developing friendships does not violate anonymity. On the other hand, ASCA has the custom of the telephone support list whereby volunteers list their name and telephone number to be a support contact for the week. It is okay to contact a person who has volunteered as a support person, but only for that week. It is not okay and it goes against the spirit of anonymity when someone retains that telephone number and calls the person several weeks later. The telephone list is only active for a week. Many people do not place their name and number on the list every week. It is a severe breach of anonymity when a person uses a telephone support number to try to make a social engagement. Though ASCA does not have any rules or guidelines concerning socializing outside of the ASCA meeting, pursuing someone for a date is not customary and should only be done if it is perfectly clear (without ambiguity) that someone desires to be contacted for a social engagement. In the past there have been occasions when a member has tried to pursue another member for the purposes of dating. Though we meet potential partners in a wide variety of situations and this includes ASCA, pursuing an unwanted, unsolicited social engagement is contrary to the spirit of anonymity and the philosophy of ASCA. Many wonderful friendships and relationships will emerge through being a part of an ASCA meeting for an extended period of time. The guideline of anonymity implies that people should be left alone unless they specifically state that they want contact outside the meeting. 2/5 Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for November Thankfulness: Placing Daily Life Into Perspective Our thoughts often turn to the notion of thankfulness given the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday. Some people may quibble and quarrel: "What do I have to be thankful for? Look at how my child abuse has impeded my life. I'm not thankful. I'm actually quite pissed-off." Experiencing and expressing our anger is necessary and pertinent to recovery. But it is also just a small part of who we are, i.e., angry, pissed -off people. If we choose however, to live primarily from this perspective, i.e., through the angry feelings, the anger will tilt, distort and deform our daily life direction. It will disproportionately influence and ultimately be unhelpful as to how we see life and the world. How we hear ourselves and others. How we feel about everything within us, around us and in the universe. How we touch the world and allow life to touch us. How we open or close our heart. The very phenomenon of anger results in closing us up and closing us off from ourselves, people and the world. Cultivating thankfulness does not deny, negate nor erase our angry feelings. Rather cultivating thankfulness in reference to anger places our anger into perspective. It is a restorative antidote for the effects of experiencing and expressing the anger we have concerning our childhood abuse. For many people cultivating thankfulness may even focus and empower their anger into constructive action, into positive cathartic expression. Cultivating thankfulness in our everyday lives places life into perspective, places our pain into perspective, places our efforts in recovery from childhood abuse into perspective. A sense of thankfulness brings about increased harmony and balance into daily life. Living daily life from a thankful orientation helps us to appreciate more of who we are today, how far along in recovery we have traveled, how precious various people in our lives are to us. Cultivating thankfulness supports us in living life from a perspective that our cup is half full rather than drained and half empty. Not- taking-for-granted everything that is beautiful, working well, sacred and bountiful in our lives is an enduring and reinforcing effect of cultivating thankfulness. By cultivating thankfulness in our everyday lives, the colors of life seem brighter, the hassles and difficulties of daily life seem manageable and less intrusive. The way we interact with people and especially with ourselves seems increasingly gentle and inviting. Cultivating thankfulness opens our heart to the wonder and the possibilities that surround us. There are many ways to cultivate thankfulness. One practical way is simply to choose thankfulness as a meditative theme for the month of November. During spare moments, transition moments, we could dwell on the theme of thankfulness as a meditative energizing pause. We wake up in the morning and remind ourselves that today's theme is "thankfulness". By simply attending to and acknowledging what is good about our life today, what is working well, what brings pleasure, beauty and enjoyment into our life, this all cultivates thankfulness. Over a period of days and weeks our orientation of living life seems to be pointed in the primary direction of thankfulness. We move from a stance of taking 3/5 much of daily life for granted and move toward a stance of reflective thankfulness. This musing with the theme of thankfulness unfolds as a soothing salve, an energy booster, an instructive teacher. Cultivating thankfulness is the gateway to hope, the coal for stoking the furnace promoting the heat and passion for life, the restorative power that continuously renews and refreshes our daily journey. Questions: What have been the consequences in my life for not cultivating a sense of thankfulness into my daily rhythm? How will cultivating thankfulness effect the usual way that I approach my day, other people, the tasks that I undertake on a daily basis? What are some practical ways that will assist in cultivating a thankful orientation in my daily life? For a listing of additional topics for rotation C meetings refer to the last section of the ASCA Meeting Support Materials manual or click her to link you to "Suggested Topics for Rotation C Meetings." Co-Secretary Update Beginning with the November issue of the ASCA NEWS any updates for current Co-Secretaries of ASCA meetings will be included in this section of the ASCA NEWS . Co-Secretaries or some designated person from the meeting downloads the ASCA NEWS . It is duplicated and distributed to the meeting membership. If your meeting has not yet forwarded its 4th Quarter fee for its listing on our web site, please send it in promptly. For information refer to the last paragraph in the "ASCA Meeting List" section of our web page or click here to link you to "Instructions for listing..." For the San Francisco Bay area, the fee for the ASCA telephone voice mail listing is also pass due. Please forward if you have not yet accomplished this and make payable your $15 fee for the 4th Quarter to: Dorothy Boerste, 537 Franklin Street . #307 . San Francisco . CA . 94109. For smaller ASCA meetings, please remember that there is a new provision to customize an ASCA meeting when there are fewer than 7 people in attendance. You might want to review these options if this pertains to your meeting situation. These options are found in the ASCA Meeting Format & Support Materials manual under the heading "Customizing the ASCA Meeting Format" or click here to link you to "Customizing..." If you have a question or a situation that needs discussion, you can always reach George Bilotta, Executive Director, by e-mailing him or telephoning him directly in Massachusetts 508.835.6054. Never hesitate to e-mail or call. 4/5 Thank you for making your meeting possible. Without dedicated Co-Secretaries, ASCA could not exist. Observations, Questions, Comments If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, Executive Director, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: tmc_asca@dnai.com. Click here to us with your responses to some or all of the following. 5/5 |
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October, 1999 (pdf) |
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ASCA News • October 1999 P.O. Box 477 San Francisco, CA 94 114 web: http://www.ascasupport.org From the Desk of Executive Director George Bilotta In Massachusetts the leaves are turning color. The autumn breeze is increasingly brisk. The ducks and geese are flying south. In California, I understand that the San Francisco Bay Area has been enjoying their traditionally warm autumn weather. And in San Diego, it is down right hot sometimes with the Santa Ana winds this time of year. It has been a challenge the past two months to relocate from San Francisco to a small community of 6,500 in West Boylston, Massachusetts. Though everyday brings surprises, I'm finally feeling more and more settled. It has been quite the transition from California back to Massachusetts, having lived in California since 1977. You will notice that the ASCA News masthead sports an additional address and telephone number for our national headquarters here in Massachusetts. Never hesitate to contact me. As I refocus my energy on spreading ASCA nationally, a simple but essential question calls for a response: What does it mean to recover, to heal from childhood abuse? We often use and hear the terms recover and heal but what does recovery and healing look and feel like to you? What are the indications for you that you are on the path of recovery, of healing? To begin unfolding this basic question, I need your assistance. If you are presently on our web site, please take a few moments and e-mail me your thoughts concerning what it means for you to recover, to heal from childhood abuse? Does recovery differ from healing for you? If you receive the ASCA News through your meeting, please consider e-mailing me with your thoughts or sending them to me in Massachusetts through traditional mail. I'll report back to you next month concerning our collective responses. In addition, I am looking for a few people who would be interested in helping to inaugurate our online meeting by writing a short share to be posted on our web site. All shares will be anonymousse. Only the sharer and I will know the sharer's identity. If you are interested, contact me by e-mail: tmc_asca@dnai.com and I will supply you with the details. Click here to email us with your responses to some or all of the following. 1. What does it mean for you to recover, to heal from your past childhood abuse? 2. What does recovery and healing look and feel like for you? 3. What are the indications for you that you are on the path of recovery, of healing? 4. Does recovery differ from healing for you? ASCA Meeting Ongoing Education Moment: Guideline #2: ASCA meetings are exclusively for survivors of physical, sexual or emotional childhood abuse. ASCA, Adults Survivors of Child Abuse, is a support program for adult survivors of physical, sexual or emotional childhood abuse or neglect. One of our prerequisites for attendance at ASCA meetings is self-identification as a survivor of childhood abuse. Family, partners, and friends who support us are not permitted to attend ASCA meetings, unless they are also survivors of childhood abuse. Occasionally however, a local ASCA meeting might decide to hold a special informational ASCA meeting to which family, partners, friends or other interested individuals are invited. Sometimes a new ASCA attendee might question whether s/he is truly a survivor of childhood abuse. This might transpire when the person does not have clear recollections of being sexually or physically abused. Many people only refer to childhood abuse as physical or sexual abuse and forget about their emotional abuse. However, many people can readily identify patterns of childhood emotional abuse when they stop and examine their childhood history. Many people who suspect that they may have been abused sexually and/or physically begin with what they remember - a pattern of emotional abuse. Some of these individuals eventually unfold recollections of being sexually and/or physically abused. As described in our Survivor to Thriver manual on page 46, emotional abuse is defined as "a pattern of psychologically destructive interactions with a child that is characterized by five types of behaviors: rejecting, isolating, terrorizing, ignoring and corrupting. Emotional abuse involves the use of words as weapons . . ." When a present or prospective ASCA participant is questioning whether or not they are a survivor of child abuse, reviewing chapter three in our Survivor to Thriver manual would probably be a helpful tool to assist in clarifying their situation. Rotation C Topic: Possible ASCA Meeting Topic for October Control: A Paradox For many of us survivors of child abuse, control, being in control, having control over our environment and life circumstances seems important. When we were children, when we were being abused physically, sexually and/or emotionally, we were not in control of our environment and our life circumstances. Ironically, our perpetrators were not in control either. Rather, they were out-of- control. To be in control is to possess influence and authority. Control is to regulate, manage and direct. It also implies restraint and proportionality. But what does it mean to have control over our environment and life circumstances? If control is an illusion, as some would say, what then do we really crave concerning control, being in control? Two images come to mind. The first is the image of a horse, buggy and driver. To influence, manage and direct the horse, the driver loosely holds the reigns. The reigns are relaxed with sufficient play in the driver's palm. The secret to having authority over the horse and buggy is restraint and proportionality. When needing to turn the buggy, the driver gently adj usts the reigns in hand ever so slightly and lightly thus directing the horse to turn in the desired direction. The second image reveals a parent who is blue in the face from trying to control a 2-year-old child or a 16-year-old teenager. The parent is all worked-up, exasperated, body tight, straining, rigid, driven and locked in a battle of egos and wills. Influence and authority, regulating, managing and directing seem impossible. The qualities of restraint and proportionality seem missing from the equations and the interactions. Being in control, having control over our environment and life circumstances seems to require restraint and proportionality above anything else. There seems to be an equation whereby the more energy and exertion we expend in a situation the less control we actually possess. The paradox of control seems to imply that restraint and proportionality are two primary keys to healthy control in reference to our environment and life circumstances. Questions: 1. What does it mean for me to be in control of my environment and life circumstances? 2. In trying to control a situation, what do I really want? 3. How can I promote a sense of restraint and proportionality within my daily life? Observations, Questions, Comments! If you have any observations, questions and/or comments that you want to share concerning ASCA and THE MORRIS CENTER, George Bilotta, welcomes your inquiries, phone: 508.835.6054, e-mail: georgebilotta@cs.com. If you would like to contribute a poem, story, article, etc. to our ASCA News please contact us. |